When Your Spouse Hurts You: How to Forgive and Forget

Written by Dr. Dave Currie

sexlove_spouseforgiveForgive and forget. It’s a well-worn cliché – one that is easier to say than to practice.

If you’re married, you’ve been there. Your spouse has said or done something that has wounded you. It may be something small, or it may be a major betrayal. Either way, your pride screams at you to take revenge. If you don’t strike back immediately, you at least want to keep this “guilt card” in your pocket, to be pulled out at a later date: “Oh yeah, well what about the time when you….”

When we’ve been offended, the last thing we want to do is to let it go. And yet, if our desire is to have a healthy, lasting marriage, that is exactly what we’ve got to do. Here are seven suggestions to keep in mind when your spouse lets you down:

  1. Don’t start without your spouse
    If you need to talk to your spouse about something, don’t just corner them and launch in unexpectedly. That is a recipe for hostility. Instead, agree together on a time to discuss the issue. That gives each of you a chance to think about it in advance, which will result in a more productive discussion than if one partner simply lambastes the unsuspecting “offender”.
  2. Handle negative emotions responsibly
    When we react emotionally, we often say and do things that we later regret. In many cases, it is best to delay the discussion until you’ve settled down, gained a proper perspective, and prayed about your attitude. This will allow you to go into it looking for a solution, rather than just being consumed with your own hurt.As partners, you need to respect each other’s need to “take five”. If your spouse needs to wait a few minutes, or even a day or two, to cool down, don’t press the issue. This should not be used as an excuse to avoid the discussion entirely, but it is better to take some time to clear your head than to allow your emotions to take you somewhere that you don’t want to go.
  3. Deal with one issue at a time
    Remember that “guilt card” we mentioned earlier? Once you’re into the discussion, you will be tempted to pull it out. Soon, your conversation has deteriorated into a long list of offenses, as you try to outdo one another with everything that the other person has ever done wrong.  This only intensifies the conflict and deepens the divide between you. It can also be overwhelming to be presented with a massive list of things that need to change. Instead of being motivating, it’s discouraging.Instead, be content to solve one problem at a time. It is much better to make serious headway in one area of your relationship than to simply rehearse everything that needs fixing.
  4. Be clear about your perspective
    Give each other some uninterrupted time to share your concerns. If you are just trading barbs back and forth, neither of you will really be hearing the other – you’ll be too busy thinking about your next comeback.When it is your time to talk, try to help your mate understand your hurt or frustration. Help them to see why their actions and words had the impact that they did. Likewise, the offending spouse should have the opportunity to explain their words or behaviour. It could be that you have misinterpreted their motives, and when this is cleared up it goes along way towards solving the problem.
  5. Hold your relationship more dear than this issue
    Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our feelings or our “rights” that we lose sight of the bigger picture. People joke about marriages breaking up over toothpaste and toilet paper disputes, but it really happens! Remember that your relationship is the primary concern. You may have some issues to sort out, but you still love one another – and loving one another often means letting the other person be right.
  6. Walk in an attitude of forgiveness
    If you are going to live with this person for the next 20…30…50 years, you are going to have to forgive one another manytimes. You cannot afford to not forgive. Unforgiveness does not only hurt your spouse, it hurts you! As Corrie Ten Boom said, “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”This brings us back to the issue of forgiving and forgetting. In truth, there are some hurts that you will never be able to forget. What is more important is that we choose to let it go. Proverbs 17:9 says, “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Forgiveness entails giving up your right to punish your spouse – whether through direct retaliation or just letting bitterness fester.Over the past year, I have discovered the value of “advance forgiveness”. I make a conscious decision that, the next time my wife Donalyn offends me, I am going to forgive her. Then, when it happens, I remember that I have already decided to forgive her, so there is no point in making a big deal out of it now. This really helps to take my critical edge off.
  7. Forgive as Christ forgave you - Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each another and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”And just how does the Lord forgive us? Fully. Unconditionally. Willingly. Time and time again.This kind of forgiveness is supernatural; it is more than we can do on our own. Particularly if your spouse has betrayed you in a major way, you may need to ask God for the ability to let go of the hurt and forgive them from your heart. But as you trust God to give you His strength and love, He will help you to forgive…even when your spouse has really let you down.

If you have never experienced God’s complete, unconditional forgiveness, know this: God loves you deeply. There is no sin that is so great that He is unwilling to forgive you, if you would just come to Him. If this is the desire of your heart, pray this prayer:

Dear God, I need You in my marriage, and in my life. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life, and that I cannot go on any further without Your help and guidance – and above all, Your forgiveness. I thank You for sending Your Son Jesus to die on the cross to pay for my sins. I now accept that sacrifice and invite Jesus to take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and empower me to live the life You have called me to. Thank You for forgiving me. Amen.


300 Responses to “When Your Spouse Hurts You: How to Forgive and Forget”

  • Chris says:

    jean…i am sorry to hear about what happened however i do admire the grace of God in your life to be able to work through this situation with your spiritually needy husband. its great you have been able to see past his actions to his inner hearts need for more of christ in his life. jesus is an expert in healing both inside and out. i pray that he restore your hand to what it was before and use your spiritual hands to lead your husband to him as well. you will hear jesus say to you one day…well done my good and faithful servant!! knowingjesuspersonally.com

  • Jean says:

    My husband of 1 1/2 years has been verbally and physcially abusive. November 1st, 2014, he gave me $200 to pay on bills but got angry and wanted it back. He started cursing and yelling. I tried to leave but he barred the door and began grabbing my handbag. I had my keys in my and and didn’t realize the strap was entangled as well. He was yanking so hard that he broke my ring finger on my right hand. My entire hand was swollen and I found out later that the same finger will be deformed due to a mallet injury. The knuckle of the finger beside it is still damaged and swollen as well. The splint was just removed a couple weeks ago and my hand hurts every day. I have forgiven him but when I look at my hand I get sad. My finger droops, the nail is growing out wavy and I can’t make a complete fist. He has gotten better and I really have forgiven him. I guess my question is …if I am sad about my hand does that mean I HAVEN’T really forgiven him? I want to get over it. I know some people don’t even have hands but my hand wasn’t deformed before. I’m 58. I feel like a fool for marrying him sometimes but I can see GOD working in him. I just want my hand healed.

  • Chris says:

    don…sorry to hear of your situation…first, i would encourage you with 1 corinthians 7.14. your faith in christ sanctifies the life of your unbelieving wife until such time as she herself truly repents and trust in christ for her own salvation. God wont be needing your help but just your faith. you wont need to invite her to church. when jesus gets a hold of her she will be first in line to get in. as far as checking her text messages, pray about not doing that. what is really important here is her not committing adultery against you which would mean she would need to physically be with someone to do that. i am not approving of her communicating with other men, but what i am suggesting is that you not let her get under your skin or perhaps provoke you on purpose. dont fall for her game playing. as long as she is accountable to her whereabouts and provides for you the duties of a wife, then there is no need to be looking for trouble. you can rest in the lord because he has promised n Matthew 10 to bring to light anything that is hidden. you can trust him about that. blessings!!

  • Don says:

    I have tried and tried and ready to give up! I got her to go to church with me but it did not do any good! She is still chatting on her phone with all these guys and will not show me her phone. I have become numb and just tired of her attitude! She gets mad at me for bringing it up so I am giving up!

  • Yellow Canary says:

    Thanks eve,
    I know it’s hard for my husband to let her go being that they had been really good friends even before ministry. It’s sad but he feels like his and her relationship has been reset to that point of just friendship. It’s not that easy for me as it seems to be for him and her. Thank you all for your responses. It’s really helped me to put things in perspective.

  • Eve says:

    I allowed what I would call a street boy, someone I wouldn’t sit with for a cup of tea in the daylight, literally rape me. I sinned. I knew all along it was wrong! I went to him just for sex. I cried afterwards. I hated my husband to have neglected me for so many years! That I allowed that evil animal to use me or vice versa.

    I have cleared myself, I prayed, No matter how neglected we are in our marriage, having an affair is disgusting, and hurts ourself more.

    I have asked for forgiveness, I have renewed my wedding vows. Today I feel confident & happy.

    I just wanted to tell Canary: your husband must come to a point, to avoid if he sees her coming to her. No contact is the sign of remorse.

    My husband never confronted me, perhaps that was good. As someone who had an affair, I tell you, these home wreckers are evil, specially if they are single. Tell your husband to set a good example: stay away from temptations: have fun with your husband, but make it clear to him you are not stupid. That you are going through this storm with him. Sometimes time helps.

    I thank the group here , your prayers are powerful. Thank you.

  • Shawn says:

    Yellow Canary
    You are welcome, your situation sounds like mine, the last thing is to have that temptation removed from his and your life.( the mistress)…I told my husband a long time ago that if we have that solid foundation about us , our relationship will not have had to go thru so much turmoil but he chose to mostly pray by himself, we were not in sync. But I know that if two can touch and agree and pray together ..that powerful force will block the enemy from nagging at us both on separate accounts and slowly diminishing our prayer life especially when we all go thru trials and tribulation and need that extra encouragement or push to trust and believe that God is truly God. But he realized that a little too late. I don’t know if you realize but when one of you is feeling down or depressed the other is the opposite, this is why strength lies between 2 or more so that the other can lift up the other. So make sure you both pray together as well as when you are by yourself. Because of what you had just said regarding your husband believing all is forgiven. Go ahead and throw all that into the sea of forgetfulness. Pray that home wrecker out of your marriage and work it. Prayer without works is dead. Do what you have to do to get your household back on point…then toss in the sea and start a new book.

  • Yellow Canary says:

    :-) thank you all for your advice. He was actually the one to come to me to say he wanted to work things out. At that point he never mentioned the affair. I found that out on my own, about a month after he said he wanted be with me again. I absolutely hate confrontation, but I can clearly see that by “not putting my foot down” is actually harming and not helping us. There definitely needs to be some standards set.The Godly sorrow, I have yet to witness. Maybe that already happened between him and God.

    I know I can’t move him out, I don’t think he has anywhere he can go (except to her), He wouldn’t have transportation (he’d have her car, of course)and we have 4 kids together.
    Only thing I can think of to do that wouldn’t push him to find refuge with her is to also remove my wedding rings until he figures out what he wants to do. Hopefully this will speak to just how serious I am about how I see this marriage surviving such a blow.
    He feels great, feels forgiven, feels God is with him because he had decided to keep things on the straight and narrow and above ground. I feel like I would be smothering that joy of him feeling forgiven and set free from the pressures expectation his position held him in.

    Yet, I see the long term results of not addressing this issue.

  • Shawn says:

    Yellow Canary
    I’m sorry to hear about your situation. But the question is, did you or your husband decide to start anew? If it was you, please prepare yourself for disappoinent because the truth is and he has shown you that he is going to continue to do what he has been doing. You can even test this out , go with him to one of his “so called” business meetings with this lady and see what happens .. Plus if he truly is done with this chick he would have told her to stop contacting him or he would change his number. I truly believe this guy is pulling a Doosey.i went thru the same thing but not pastor. I made my husband change his number and get rid of the numbers he did have before I let him back in the house. Plus remember he is trying to make you the enemy..playing that reverse psychology. After I threw my husband out, he realized I was serious and bad thing after bad things started happening to him until he truly realized his mistakes. You may have to get outT of your comfort zone and put your foot down. Trust me, I believe in marriage 100%, but God didn’t say you should slowly kill yourself with wondering about your spouses infidelities, that is terrible stress and will make you question Gods love for you. Because you have said to yourself or God..why did you put this man in my life if you know he would treat you this way”. If that’s what he wants to do, then let him. He will then find out that green grass he thought he saw was only a dilution. I guarantee you that it won’t last. Just FYI…Your gut instinct is always right. Most of us go thru this on some form. Your husband has to be hit with his own ugly stick at that time he will realize he did you wrong. He will ask for your forgiveness and there at that point you forgive him. Listen to what you know without a shadow of doubt is true. His words mean nothing.. Only action does. Don’t get mad a God..its a possibility that you are giving more time and energy to this sinful man and not enough to God. Don’t let this man try to make you crazy..put that demon he has in its place

  • Tom Tom says:

    Yellow Canary–
    There is a world of difference between forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness is something that is given freely and unconditionally. Trust is earned by one’s actions. We are commanded by the Lord to forgive. We are never commanded to trust (except in the Lord, of course.) Therefore you have every right to expect not only sincere words from your husband but also sincere actions that are geared to rebuilding the trust he has broken. In my opinion, that would include his complete removal from the presence of this woman even if it means changing jobs. Otherwise, not only can you not trust him but he won’t be able to trust himself.

  • Chris says:

    yellow canary…from how you are describing your husbands words and reactions, i dont hear true 2 corinthians 7.10 godly, sorrowful repentance in his behavior. has he actually asked you to forgive him for having committed the grievous sin of adultery? is he able to say as David did in 2 Samuel 12…i have sinned!!?? does he have pauls teaching attitude about fornication addressed to Timothy in 2 Timothy 2 and 1 corinthians 6 to fleeeeee fornication? is he willing to submit to a godly pastor for mentorship so that this doesnt happen again? by his wording he doesnt indicate any intentions of doing the above i just mentioned which is normally a formula for falling again into the same sin. beware!!

  • Yellow Canary says:

    Thanks,i do plan on talking to him about this today. Can you explain the part about it being alarming? Should I expect the worst? Also, from my past convos with him it seems as if he feels like I bringing condemnation to him if I bring up my feelings towards him and her splitting for good. If I say I have forgiven him, he has forgiven himself and ultimately has God’s forgiveness then how can I dare ask him to prove I should trust him, by performing works? Forgiveness, trust, mercy and love he says is a choice and shouldn’t be contingent upon proving that its deserved. Can you help me solve this “riddle”?????

    I believe these are my last questions.

    Thanks again.

  • Chris says:

    yellow canary…without knowng what business connection your husband would have with this woman, you certainly have the right that all dealings be done out in the open during business hours and either in a business/office setting or in your home. there is no reason for him to be at Starbucks with this person really and certainly not during the night time hours. your husbands frivolous attitude about his adultery with this woman is really alarming in my opinión. my suggestions above should be the mínimum he is willing to make if he is truly repentant and not faking it. blessings to you!

  • Yellow Canary says:

    Thanks Chris,
    You are definitely right about bringing forth fruit so I don’t have doubts about his sincerity. There’s definitely a lot of doubt. He still doesn’t wear his ring, saying he has to grow into wearing it again….??? He still has the spare key to her home and still receives emails, texts and phone calls from her. Its all “strictly business” he says, and he is only going to be meeting with her in public places like Starbucks, etc. He says they both have come to a conclusion about the line that had been crossed and I have to trust that he’s ended the part of the friendship that was inappropriate. He says there may still be some nuances, but that will fade off as he keeps things honest and out in the open. I love him and trust God will keep us, but this seems foolish to me. I’ve expressed that I’d rather him have no dealings with her. He just says I need to choose mercy and trust. I plan on talking to him about her again, but what if he still chooses to do business with her? What are my options now??

    Thanks again for your advice!!!

  • Chris says:

    yellow canary…sorry to hear of your situation. as John the baptist urged the people to bring forth fruit meet for repentance in luke 3, so your husband owes it to you to do the same. his refusal to cut off completely all contact with this woman including any supposed working relationship only puts in doubt his sincerity. any true repentance by your husband would include no longer having any contact, electronic or otherwise with this person. i pray jesus give you the courage and boldness to stand up for what is your mínimum right to see from him as a token of true repentance. blessings to you!

  • Yellow Canary says:

    Hello, my husband who was a “pastor”/spiritual leader in the community cheated on me for almost a whole year after he resigned from his ministry position.The lady he decided to be intimate with was not only a congregate but staff. I became the blame for his adultery because I was told I wasn’t being a supportive enough wife during his time of ministry and destroyed his image and what he was building because of my insecurities and being non supportive.
    now the news of the infidelity is out. We are trying to start anew, only thing she is still in his life. It’s all “business” he says, but all the lies this past year is hard to put behind me. She still texts “goodmorning” even after my husband told her “I’m going to work things out with my wife”. I forgive my husband, but having her around, makes it that much harder to move on with rebuilding our love and lives. Please offer some sound advice.

  • Aldo says:

    LaRue, I sympathize with you about your situation. No one should have to go through that, and bear the pain of betrayal and rejection.

    LaRue, allow me to caution you in regards to what the other girl has told you. Quite often those things are not entirely true.

    Also, it is true that God will use situations and circumstances to help you become a stronger believer, but it’s not true that the only reason you are here is to get hurt.

    You are not what that girl called you. You are what God made you, and He doesn’t make “junk.” Yes, He will see you through, and, in fact, be with you every step of the way. Hold unto His hand and don’t let go. He will bring about a solution to the predicament that you are in. Continue to pray and trust completely in Him, for He alone can put all the pieces of your broken heart together.

    LaRue, I need to ask you if you have ever accepted Jesus Christ, by faith, as your Lord and Savior? If not, that is what you need to do to begin with. You see, Jesus Christ, God’s “only begotten son”, died for you on the cross of Calvary so that you, if you believe that, and ask forgiveness for your sins, can receive Him as your Savior and have everlasting life. He is the ‘foundation’ on which to build your life.

    Furthermore, Jesus is the answer to all your problems, whether they be big or small, financial or habitual, domestic or physical. He wants to be your redeemer, your healer, and your deliverer. Turn your life over to Him, and trust Him to bring about what He knows is best for you. Let’s pray:

    Heavenly Father, thank You for Your love for LaRue. Lord, help her to have peace in the midst of the trouble that she is going through now. Help her to get the victory by forgiving those who have hurt her, and give her the wisdom and strength she needs to see that which You will bring about, in Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

    LaRue, if you would like to confess Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord right now, here is a suggested prayer. Remember, God is not as concerned with the words you use, as He is with the attitude of your heart.

    “Dear God, I admit I am a sinner and need Your forgiveness; I believe that Jesus Christ died in my place, paying the penalty for my sins. I am willing right now to turn from my sin and accept Him as my personal Savior and Lord. I commit myself to You, and ask You to send the Holy Spirit into my life, to fill me and take control, and to help me become the kind of person You want me to be. Thank You Father for loving me, forgiving my sins, and for giving me everlasting life, in Jesus name, Amen.”

    I hope you have said that prayer. If you did, Welcome to the family of God. If you have not, you need to do it if you desire to know God as your Savior.

    I pray that you make the right decision.

  • Please pray for me and my husband he has cheated time after time and yet the girl he Cheated with text me and told me step by step what happened and what was said she told me my husband made out with her and she have him hickeys all over his neck and she also said he told her he loves her and wants to be with her he promised her he would leave me for her witch if that’s what he wants then he can have that with no problems but he better not expect me to pay for any thing cuz I won’t get ducking hurt time and time Again it seems like that’a what I am here for is to get hurt I no God will help me through this but no body can put all the broken pieces to my heart back together I am just toward of looking like a stupid ass idiot cuz the night my husband cheated they both were saying I am a whore and God nos that’s the truth but again

  • Emma says:

    Please watch fireproof the film before you all make rash decisions, forgiveness it the easy part, letting the hurt heal is the hard part, and gaining trust, yes people can grow up and change, God can change people not us, please do the love diary, its like 40 days of random act of love and kindness before giving up on somebody, usually its two parties who need to change, some of you may be in denial about your own sin and the damage you have done to your relationships, we can all change for the better.

  • Shawn says:

    The same way you feel is the exact way I felt before I had to let him go. But the fact of the matter is that regardless of what you do to make your marriage work, lose weight, do little things for him, decrease arguing etc, he will not change unless he truly goes to God and get change that way. Also afterI spilled my heart out up here, I realize, that God needs my attention for some reason, he wants me to seek him like I have done before I got married to this man. I’m mad at myself because I let my husbands hateful ways infect me and decrease my faith in God.Of course when we got married I thought he was God sent, from what I had prayed for. He was “God fearing”, but really he was a “bible scholar” and portrayed that he was about family, but he has been a caniving man before I met him. He never wanted to pray with me as a family should, so that we could keep the enemy from being in between our marriage. When he did pray he wanted to do alone. I also realized that I can and have done better without him. God has been preparing me for this breakup, I know because in the beginning I have had that feeling come over me but chose to ignore it. I have been in tune with my Holy Spirit for awhile and I have learned to know from it when I shouldnt do things, but sometimes I ignored it and sometimes I thought it was the enemy trying to play tricks on me. But, I know now that it wasn’t the enemy.God has been pulling at me and I’ve been ignoring him. So, I know I’m gonna cry for a few weeks but I know that God has always had his hand on me, through my entire life because I haebeen thru soo many ups and downs but he has truly seen me through and never have I been without when the circumstance looked like I should be. Truly my heart is to help others and I have been that was since I was a little girl. I fell to realize I am different than others and now on this day I am picking my face up and keeping it moving. Since my husband has been gone I had no stress. You have to vent to others to release the stress and you are STRONG. You are a woman, God has made you stronger than a man. Look at what you have dealt with. Strife, adversity, etc, but you have persevered it all and that brings good character. I dont know your faith life but I do know that you have to seek God for you and tune into your Holy Spirit. He will give you instruction. He probably already has and you are just not listening or you are ignoring it like I did. When you are in a state of confusion…STOP!!..where you are and pray for PEACE and guidance. Don’t let this man send you to an early grave. Work on you and your spiritual life with God. If this man, is made for you God will fix him and put him back in your life and if not God has something and someone better for you. I believe this for myself as well. I nor you have the power to fix these men. The only power we have is to pray for them and let God do his work. We need to stop trying to do God’s work, because we can’t. Go work on your salvation, you can do it. I am there with you. I am at peace this morning and so should you be. Pray the above prayer and let it be. It may take you to leave or him to go in order to jumpstart God’s work. I hope this was helpful. And I thank you all for listening to some of my vents. I needed to let it out to someone and so do you. Now I feel better and I am moving on. God Bless

  • Nikki says:

    It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who goes through this. Not that it should happen to anyone cause everyone deserves to be treated with respect and to be loved. I wish I was strong enough to leave him but it’s so hard to do. I want this to work. Part of me still feels like he will change. I feel so insecure that he will find someone better so I try to make myself look better for him and do the things he likes to do. I don’t know if I’m afraid of being alone or being alone without him. I just wanna be good enough and for him to see he’s all I want in life.

  • Shawn says:

    Part 2

    After reading all of these stories about how the husbands did there wives, deceitfully, I feel I cant trust another man. I am 37 and have been married 2 times, for 4 yrs or less with each marriage, because of uncandidness. Now I am at the point of revenge towards my current husband for all of his lying and deceitfulness against me. I ended up throwing all of his stuff away and leaving him with nothing but a couple pair of shoes and a few clothes. He is living with one of his friends now and I don’t want anything to do with him. I know God wants us to forgive more than we can count but this has been a deal breaker for me at this point. All I want to know is why? I had lost my strenght to go to church, to read my bible and to even pray. I don’t blame God for any of this, I just want to know what it is that I am missing? I feel like I’m missing something that I just can’t seem to grasp.

  • Shawn says:


    I have much of the same situation as alot of users up here. My thing is that me and my husband are seperated due to his mistakes, letdowns, lies and deceitful stealing. When we first married our relationship was ok, but as soon as we got married I felt within my spirit that this is not where he wanted to be and I felt he was just here because he had nowhere else to go. We argued about everyday for something that he always did and like Nikki said, he would find a way to turn things around and make me feel like I was losing my mind when I knew the truth. So for 2.5 years I have been dealing with all this stress of porn, datings site, other women numbers, lying etc. But, I’ve managed to throw all of these things into the sea of forgetfulness and moving on within our marriage to fix all of this. But now within the last month before we split, a feeling came across me once again of the same things which in turn within a weeks time I found he was up to his old tricks. This has really called much anguish, hurt and anything else that can be thrown in that pot. This is why we seperated. He could not face me for about a week, but still he felt no regrets. Never once, while we were married has he ever felt like our home was his home because in his mindset, if he wasnt the one picking the place for us to live then he didnt want it. He has been selfish and would not compromise for anyone about anything. But if it was one of his friends then he would jump hand over foot for them. I find myself crying, heartbroken because of all the love i have given to him along with helping him get on his feet and encouraging him in any way. But in return I receive nothing, yet I have never asked him for anything since we have been married. I’ve been selfless and giving like I should be in God’s sight. So, now I am feeling sooo lost and wonder why I have to go through this much pain?

  • Kate says:

    Dear Nikki, my heart goes out to you. You are right that nobody should feel alone in a relationship. The idea that you have to be ‘good enough’ for him is sad. The plain fact is that none of us are good enough. We are all imperfect, broken and hurt, and we all do wrong, break rules and expectations, and cause hurt. Nonetheless we need to be accepted and loved: “I do not love everything that you do, but I love you.”

    Sounds like maybe you are in something that Dr. Emerson Eggerichs calls the Crazy Cycle in his book Love and Respect. Maybe you could read the book, borrow it from a library or a church, and it might give you some new perspectives. Another resource might be connecting with a marriage support group or an older woman who you trust and could mentor you. You might need to escape from your own head, to put your thoughts into words with someone other than your husband, which could validate some of your feelings and also help you realize where you need to change or do things differently.

    You can connect with a mentor through this site by using the Talk to a mentor link at the top of this page.

    Nikki I want to close in prayer:

    Heavenly Father, protect and guide Nikki as she takes steps toward changing her situation. Thank You for Your willingness to make a way forward even when there seems to be no way. In Jesus’ name, amen.

  • Nikki says:

    I know he hides something I just can’t seem to catch him like I use to. I’ve taken him back every time and I just wish I knew what to do to be good enough for him. No one should ever feel alone in a relationship but I do. When I ask him about something he flips out on me and tries to make me feel stupid. Then tries to make me feel guilty cause I’m concerned about our relationship. Either I really don’t know whats going on or I really am stupid and it’s right in front of my face.

  • Chris says:

    nikki…sorry to hear of your struggle. one thing we learn in marriage, is that our mates, like we are, are always changing either for the better or for the worse. sadly, we cant live other peoples lives or make them to be responsable to their marriage commitment. that is why we need a relationship much stronger and more lasting than any human relationship and that is our relationship with God through his son jesus christ. i encourage you today to log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above for more pesonalized attention so that you can discover the greatest relationship available to us here on earth, knowing God in a personal way. if you already know jesus savingly, being in a true Christian church is essential in order to be with our Christian family and learn how to live successfully, with, without or despite other people. if you need help finding a church, just let me know. i pray jesus would comfort you today knowing he wants to help you. he wants to help you in your marriage, as a mother, a wife and we pray the same for your husband, that he too will come to christ today amen!

  • Rin T. Saotome says:


    Ill tell you this……….he hesitates because he hides something…….he comes back because he has no where else to go…………….give him one chance……….unless you really love him……..

  • Nikki says:

    How can you forgive someone who doesn’t want to listen to anything you say. We have only been together for three years and we have a daughter together and we have been through a lot together. He has left me more than I can count and I always take him back and he says he going to change which last for not even two weeks and he’s back to being so rude and hateful. He has made me promises about how he will change and can’t rememeber what he says. I need some serious advice because my heart is so full of hurt. I’m out of options on what to do.

  • Chris says:

    justme…so sorry to hear of your struggles….sadly, death has passed to all men because all have sinned but jesus has provided us the solution through his death and resurrection. i encourage you today to log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above so that you can find out how to live a glorious and wonderful life despite any human loss or failure from others. man, being made out of the dust, will return to it but through faith in christ we can live in victory 365 days a year. blessings to you!!

  • Sharon says:

    to Justme– I am sorry that your husband wasn’t there for you emotionally I had a dad who wasn’t there for me emotionally either growing up h is gone now too from Alzheimer but I don’t hate him he grew up with parents not emotionally either that was just the era I don’t know on where you are in your faith or if you believe I pray that you can forgive your husband and I pray for God to help you heal from that hurt I can’t imagine on what you went through not having a husband there for you emotionally and then dying with ALS and cancer I am praying for you God knows your hurts and for Christians come along your path to be your friend and be there for you emotionally I am praying for you. from Sharon

  • justme says:

    I hate my DEAD husband! He was not there for ME in MY hour of need. What the f**k about ME!!!!!!!!!

  • justme says:

    What if you hate your DEAD husband. He was not there for me in MY hour of need. I took care of him through Cancer and ALS. He was never there for me emotionally. I hate him, and I am glad he is gone…………..

  • Chris says:

    bill…i regret to hear of your struggles but at the same time i think you are doing well in getting counseling and you have no way of controlling other peoples actions and comments. your past is behind you but others may not let you forget although jesus has as long as you have received him as your lord and savior, your sins are forgiven you. if you would like more informaiton on knowing jesus forgiveness and personal victory in your life, log onto…knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above for more personalized attention. i pray jesus free you completely from any addictions, condemnation of guilt and fear so that you can live happily in his presence with your family amen!

  • E says:

    For you my friend. I started here with my troubles and God pointed me to the below. I am learning that everybody needs God and this will help you find him, reach out to him and be guided in ways you can never Imagine. How do I know ? My wife and I are reading this program. I encourage you and your wife visit this site and receive the help you need for your relationship with God allowing your life and marriage to blossom. Please do this program, start tonight. 20 minutes of reading and then read day stepping stone 2 tomorrow, etc. I can’t imagine where we would be without it!! I will pray for you as I am sure the mentors will as well.


  • Bill says:

    I have hurt my wife deeply. We have been married 20 yrs this year and I have hurt her terribly especially in the beginning.I am not sure if she wants a divorce , but I think she is heading that way. I have done drugs most of my life (cocaine) and in the earlier days when I hurt her terribly i smoked crack. I would stay out sometimes all nite into the next day surrounded by people I should not have been around . This has lead my wife to believe I was unfaithful. In all sense of the word I was , with a certain person, but never became physical and she said no. In my clouded drugged up state I did not care about what was dear to me . You would think after that I would learn my lesson . I did stop smoking that terrible drug after that but continued to use cocaine in the “regular way”.I would go on trips with the guys a lot and was always seemingly looking for the good time instead of knowing my good time was at home with my wife and kids. I should have taken a nite or a weekend with my family instead of partying with friends. I would be great for a while , then not again . I would lose my temper over dumb things hurting her even more. As years have gone by It seemed I have put that all behind me, Although I still would use very occasionally , but would not lose control. I have been not using since september and have started seeing a councelor about why I am the way I am . I dont want to hurt her any more ever!!! 3-4 years ago Im guessing a woman approched me while I was Playing in my band . She hit on me and new I was Married and said she didnt care . It happened a couple times and I told her I was married and said no thanks. I thought that was the end of it. Come recently back in september , another woman told my wife to “watch out” for the woman because she was trouble. The woman told my wife that I said I was married , but to watch out anyways. It brought back a lot of pain for my wife , and I dont blame her for not trusting me . I think she believes me , but I handled it in a non chalant way . It has brought back the old and I cannot forgive myself for all the pain Ive caused her. I think I have realized my issues to late , but want her to feel better. She really has become my Best friend and I cant help my Friend because I am the problem she has

  • Barbara Alpert Barbara Alpert says:

    Hi Viera, thanks for reaching out to Jen with your encouraging words.

    Jen, sorry to hear about the difficulties you dealing with. We are called to forgive those that have wronged us, but it takes time to rebuild trust in that person back. Perhaps you and your husband can talk with a pastor at church or seek marriage counseling so the two of you can have a much better chance of working through all this.

  • Ollie Asbury says:

    I am so hurt and the fights is worse. What do I do when m husband admits to my face like this? About his sexual affair with a
    Girl 52 yrs ago 1961 and 1962 when I was carrying our daughter and she worked at a beer joint and restaurant combined
    when he drove a
    A taxi and he was sneaking taking her going to her home after work. These words blew me and cut me like a knife. Here are
    The words. “”I had sex with one girl and after I did it, I felt so guilty I got up and left”” And then the next morning we sat at the
    Kitchen table as I was going to tell him I was going out with our daughters. He never let me speak till he said all at once hurting
    Me again blurting out to me. “”I had it in’er how else was I suppose to come?”” Then in 1964 he did it again when I was
    Carrying our last son and had sex with another girl in our car. Lied about it after I found her shoes in the back of our car
    And his cousin and uncle told me they belonged to a another girl he was running around and riding in his car. He had done
    sold everything in our home and my 7 kids and me had no home to go back to. I never was so hurt in all my life to find these
    Things out. Now he’s 85 still active although he’s impotent he can still come without an erection just by kissing. I am 79 still have desires of my own. So what do I do with all this hurt bottled up inside me? I will never forget it as long as I live.

  • Viera says:

    Jen..May God give you strength and love and hope through Jesus. With Jesus you can truly forgive and love again, I know I had to forgave, and learn to love my husband again after cheating too. God bless you.

  • jen says:

    Viera, thank you so much for getting back to me. I know that i need to let go of this and continiue our lives together. I know i am not the easiest person to live with becouse i am so fiesty and speak my words even if i dont mean them… I am praying to our Lord that he gives me streinght and hope and that everything will be ok. My husband is a very good man, but he hurt me and i know i have to truly forgive him! I need him to stop drinking bc he drinks every night ever since i found out of his mistake. when i married i wanted to be forever and wanted to have kids but we dont have kids… all i know is that he is a good man, and i am a good woman, and we do have to fix this. My Lord Jesus will help him and I, in that name I pray AMEN!

  • Viera says:

    Jen..I know cheating is hard. If I can say something I would suggest to forgive your husband and leave it all behind, if your husband is truly sorry. Forgiveness also means that you will not remind him his mistake and talking about that girl. If bad thoughts will come reject them and trust and pray to Jesus over your marriage. Live in peace. All hidden things will be revealed one day. You gave him second change so don’t turn back, look forward that this his mistake can make your marriage stronger. God forgive us many times and he trust us too so with his help you can trust your husband again.

  • Chris says:

    jen…so sorry to hear of your situation. as humans, both husbands and wives, we know that there are temptations we will face during the length of our married lives. we must recognize those and ask God for help in avoiding and overcoming them. sometimes a spouse may not have a relationship with God and therefore succumbs to temptation easier than a husband should. in all cases however, the marriage vows need to be sustained at whatever the cost and this i believe needs the help of christ to fulfill. you can lead in this by permitting jesus to be the lord of your life, so your husband can see the changes in you and want them for himself. why not log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above to find out more on how to enjoy your married and earthly lives together once more. i pray you would set your sights on christ today and realice that he alone can make the changes we need to have made. amen

  • Jen says:

    I have been married with my husband for 6 years, we unfortunally don’t have any kids but I had 3 miscarriages. Back in 2011 my husband was away with work in Mexico and when he got back from his long trip I felt that something was wrong and every time i asked him what is going on he would always deny. But i felt there was something going on and i decided to let it go and continiue our lives together. So last october of 2014 he said that he have a trip coming for 3 weeks and i believed him since his job requeres lots of traveling. When he got back he was all over me and i felt loved and wanted, but then one morning i decided to go through his stuff and to find out that he lied to me..he was visiting some girl that he met back in 2011 and he spend those 3 weeks exploring her country and coulture. I was in such shock that i just wanted to leave. But we talked and talked, and somehow i stayed, i only stayed bc i knew that he loves me and that he knows that he made terribele mistake. So as the days, months goes by I cant believe that i forgive him, bc i am still so hurt. We both started to drink more then we ever did and we fight so much about that girl. he keeps saying that he never had slept with her, but i dont trust him and i dont know if i will ever trust him again. I am asking for help and praying to God that i let this mistake that he made go away, i love him and i know he loves me too.. I just dont know what to do.. please help me?

  • Chris says:

    april…sorry to hear of your struggle…its true that we have all made quick decisions at times without realizing that their appearance isnt the best but nothing wrong really takes place. that seems what has happened with your husband. life is a learning process and many times we learn the hard way, by making a mistake. if we married perfection we wouldnt be married because noone is perfect. when we remember our mistakes and how God has had mercy upon us, shouldnt we show mercy upon others too? for more information on showing your husband and others the mercy of God, log onto…knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above for more personal help. i pray jesus mercy be yours today as you become and instrument for sharing it as well!

  • Chris says:

    don dressel…i pray for you don to know that you are not alone in your fight. 1 pet 5.8 to 10 tells us that the same afflictions are being faced by our brethren in the world. jesus is with you a mighty warrior and he will teach your hands to fight spiritually with all the armour of God upon you. ephes 4, ps 144. as the angel told Daniel in Daniel 9 to 10, be strong Daniel! so we speak to you in jesus name, Donald be strong in the lord and in the power of his might! ephes 6.10 amen

  • Don Dressel says:

    Thank you so much for your replies! It means so much to me to hear from the both of you! I pray to God that things will change between us but she is so tired of me and for reasons I DO NOT KNOW?! I have been a faithful and loving man and have always been there for her. I grow weary and tired of her but pray to God she will open up her eyes! I go to church but she will not go with me. I am also helping my mom and sister with taking care of my dad as he is slowly dying of heart disease. I have got so much on my plate I feel like I am going to lose it! Please pray for me as I need it so bad! My wife is not even like the woman I have been with for the last 24 years! She is cold and hard towards me! I do have my little jack russell Winston who is my buddy that is like me a very loving and sweet little guy!

  • April says:

    My husband rode to the store with a female neither one of us know. He told me about it apologized and claim that it was an innocent ride because he was blocked in. If that would have been me he would understand how i feel. I don’t want to move forward and I don’t know how to it hurts because I do feel portrayed.

  • Viera says:

    Don Dressel..If I can encourage you don’t give up hope. Firstly put your trust and heart to Jesus and he will help you. You know, in marriage there are two people and both of them are responsible for their relationship. If some of the partner is not giving other what he needs and what is marriage for, then temptation is very strong and evil will find the way to fulfill those needs outside of marriage in a sinful way. Be sure to talk to your wife, show interest for her for her struggles, pain, worries, joys, dreams and so on. Just listen don’t give her advices. Show her love practical way and pray that Jesus will show you what is missing in her life that she is looking for it in talking with other men. God help you in your marriage.

  • Chris says:

    don dressel…sorry to hear of your situation. we see even from the beginning that unfaithfulness in marriage has been a problem with both men and women. remember how David and bathseeba in the bible both committed consentual adultery. if there is any consolation in your case, it appears your wifes illicit activities are limited to the internet and not physical it seems. its important in these situations to recognize firstly that your wifes unfaithfulness is to christ above all. sin is a breakdown in our relationship to God and shows up in human relationships as well, in your case, your marriage relationship. my advise would be first, be sure your relationship to christ is a solid and healthy one, that way you will be able to walk through any dark time in life by having the light of life, christ at your side. for more information on having christ as your companion in life if you dont already, log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above for personal help. then, once you are strong in the lord, you can help your wife to be strong in the lord too….my prayer for you both in jesus name amen

  • Don Dressel says:

    My wife broke my heart when she got caught up in a romance scam! Now she is in chat rooms with strange men.she does not care what I think and could care less much about me after 24 years together. I am heartbroken and sad that she would be this way towards me. I have done everything for her and maybe that is the problem. The last thing is she is telling these guys she is 42 when in truth she is turning 59. I keep asking God why?

  • Chris says:

    maria r….sorry to hear of your situation. its true that people really cant be trusted. our faith and our lives must depend upon God for his guidance and direction in order to know whom especially we are to marry. only God knows the heart of each person and only he can show us who is best for us. to do that, we need to have a personal relationship with his son jesus. to do that please log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above so that you can begin to live confidently, not in people, but in jesus who will lead you to the right ones. i pray you would receive christ today and begin living life the way God has always intended it should be lived, with him at the helm amen!

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