When Your Spouse Hurts You: How to Forgive and Forget
Forgive and forget. It’s a well-worn cliché – one that is easier to say than to practice.
If you’re married, you’ve been there. Your spouse has said or done something that has wounded you. It may be something small, or it may be a major betrayal. Either way, your pride screams at you to take revenge. If you don’t strike back immediately, you at least want to keep this “guilt card” in your pocket, to be pulled out at a later date: “Oh yeah, well what about the time when you….”
When we’ve been offended, the last thing we want to do is to let it go. And yet, if our desire is to have a healthy, lasting marriage, that is exactly what we’ve got to do. Here are seven suggestions to keep in mind when your spouse lets you down:
- Don’t start without your spouse
If you need to talk to your spouse about something, don’t just corner them and launch in unexpectedly. That is a recipe for hostility. Instead, agree together on a time to discuss the issue. That gives each of you a chance to think about it in advance, which will result in a more productive discussion than if one partner simply lambastes the unsuspecting “offender”. - Handle negative emotions responsibly
When we react emotionally, we often say and do things that we later regret. In many cases, it is best to delay the discussion until you’ve settled down, gained a proper perspective, and prayed about your attitude. This will allow you to go into it looking for a solution, rather than just being consumed with your own hurt.As partners, you need to respect each other’s need to “take five”. If your spouse needs to wait a few minutes, or even a day or two, to cool down, don’t press the issue. This should not be used as an excuse to avoid the discussion entirely, but it is better to take some time to clear your head than to allow your emotions to take you somewhere that you don’t want to go. - Deal with one issue at a time
Remember that “guilt card” we mentioned earlier? Once you’re into the discussion, you will be tempted to pull it out. Soon, your conversation has deteriorated into a long list of offenses, as you try to outdo one another with everything that the other person has ever done wrong. This only intensifies the conflict and deepens the divide between you. It can also be overwhelming to be presented with a massive list of things that need to change. Instead of being motivating, it’s discouraging.Instead, be content to solve one problem at a time. It is much better to make serious headway in one area of your relationship than to simply rehearse everything that needs fixing. - Be clear about your perspective
Give each other some uninterrupted time to share your concerns. If you are just trading barbs back and forth, neither of you will really be hearing the other – you’ll be too busy thinking about your next comeback.When it is your time to talk, try to help your mate understand your hurt or frustration. Help them to see why their actions and words had the impact that they did. Likewise, the offending spouse should have the opportunity to explain their words or behaviour. It could be that you have misinterpreted their motives, and when this is cleared up it goes along way towards solving the problem. - Hold your relationship more dear than this issue
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our feelings or our “rights” that we lose sight of the bigger picture. People joke about marriages breaking up over toothpaste and toilet paper disputes, but it really happens! Remember that your relationship is the primary concern. You may have some issues to sort out, but you still love one another – and loving one another often means letting the other person be right. - Walk in an attitude of forgiveness
If you are going to live with this person for the next 20…30…50 years, you are going to have to forgive one another manytimes. You cannot afford to not forgive. Unforgiveness does not only hurt your spouse, it hurts you! As Corrie Ten Boom said, “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”This brings us back to the issue of forgiving and forgetting. In truth, there are some hurts that you will never be able to forget. What is more important is that we choose to let it go. Proverbs 17:9 says, “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Forgiveness entails giving up your right to punish your spouse – whether through direct retaliation or just letting bitterness fester.Over the past year, I have discovered the value of “advance forgiveness”. I make a conscious decision that, the next time my wife Donalyn offends me, I am going to forgive her. Then, when it happens, I remember that I have already decided to forgive her, so there is no point in making a big deal out of it now. This really helps to take my critical edge off. - Forgive as Christ forgave you - Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each another and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”And just how does the Lord forgive us? Fully. Unconditionally. Willingly. Time and time again.This kind of forgiveness is supernatural; it is more than we can do on our own. Particularly if your spouse has betrayed you in a major way, you may need to ask God for the ability to let go of the hurt and forgive them from your heart. But as you trust God to give you His strength and love, He will help you to forgive…even when your spouse has really let you down.
If you have never experienced God’s complete, unconditional forgiveness, know this: God loves you deeply. There is no sin that is so great that He is unwilling to forgive you, if you would just come to Him. If this is the desire of your heart, pray this prayer:
Dear God, I need You in my marriage, and in my life. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life, and that I cannot go on any further without Your help and guidance – and above all, Your forgiveness. I thank You for sending Your Son Jesus to die on the cross to pay for my sins. I now accept that sacrifice and invite Jesus to take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and empower me to live the life You have called me to. Thank You for forgiving me. Amen.
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My wife of 5 years recently told me that she had 4 abortions prior to us getting together. Also, 2 1/2 years into our marriage she told me that she had herpes. Prior to marriage STD’s were discussed and she was offended that I would ask such a thing. We both have past marriages and are now Christians. She has a cheating past and I am unsure if she has cheated on me. The herpes 2 1/2 years into the marriage makes me wonder. She always make the comment, “I can’t lie” but if something makes her look bad or she thinks it will make her look bad she lies. It seams that if you don’t lie then you don’t have to make the statement, I don’t lie”? My wife told me that the abortions were because of age the first time (18) and being selfish the other times. She had an abortion because she was pregnant with another mans child while being or becoming separated from her past husband. I love her and want to believe that she is a Christian full time and not just when others are watching. I keep praying for help in forgiving her which God is helping me with but I don’t know if I can ever trust her. Any advice or bible verse that could help me?
Dear Lauren,
Welcome to our site and thank you for sharing a little about yourself. Words hurt and I am sorry that you are suffering this way. As you said, it is so important to forgive, but often we find it difficult. I find the Bible’s teaching very, very insightful and helpful.
First, we know that forgiving does not mean excusing. It does not mean that you have to pretend that what happened wasn’t wrong or hurtful. It does, however, mean that you will not hold the other person hostage, as if they ‘owe’ you. In fact, forgiveness means the slate is swept clean. There is no debt. This is especially freeing for us because, actually, we can never be repaid since the hurtful word or action cannot be reversed. So, when we stop expecting to be repaid or compensated, we will feel a lot better. It will also free the person to do better and make wiser decisions the next time, rather than always feeling under the weight of a mistake they cannot undo!
Second, forgiveness is a choice. It is not about feelings. Even if we do not feel like we can forgive or want to forgive, we are still to do so. Doing so breaks the downward spiral into hardness. Rather than saying, for example, “I got hurt last time so I won’t take a risk this time” a person who knows and trusts God to deal with every detail of their life can say, “Lord, You know I was hurt, but I choose to forgive. I do not want my heart to become hard against this person that I love. Please guard me and show me how to be wise while I remain vulnerable. I trust You to care for me.” A prayer like this, especially if you decide to say it out loud every time those feelings of sadness, insecurity or pain creep up, will change the way you see things. That is part of making the choice to forgive, doing it again and again until the Lord really cleanses your heart of the pain. The wonderful thing is that when He does so, He will also work out miracles in your heart and life, and can use even the saddest of things to grow you into the beautiful woman He has designed you to be!
Lauren, do you know the Lord Jesus? Have you come to accept Christ into your life? You can find out more about how you can have a personal relationship with God through Christ here – http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose/
Dear Lord, please comfort Lauren when she feels sad, and please keep her close to Your heart. When she is near to You, in the warmth of Your love and trusting You, I know that You will help her set her worries aside. Lord, I also pray for her boyfriend, that You would be a great friend to both of them, that they would get to know You and see what wonderful plans You have in store for their lives. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
Write back anytime Lauren! God bless you,
Kate
I have been dating an amazing guy. We dated our freshman year of high school, but broke up after a year because we both wanted to enjoy high school focusing on our friends. We got back together junior year. We are now sophomores in college, and still madly in love. The problem is, though, we are having some trust issues. I am not a party girl whatsoever. He generally isn’t, but his twin brother and friends are. He is scared to tell me the truth if he smokes or drinks a few times because he knows I don’t approve. The most hurtful thing, though, is I found a message between him and an old friend. This ‘friend’ has always been out to spoil our relationship. My boyfriend said some foul things about me, but I truly believe this friend makes him act beyond immature. We have discussed the messages and the lying, and we are ready to move on. I can tell he cares about me. He has always been my best friend over the years, and I’m not ready to give up on our relationship. I’m looking for ways to learn to forgive him. My heart just aches if I remind myself of the foul things he has said about me or the lies he has told. I truly believe he is ready to move on and improve our relationship. I just don’t know how to leave the past, in the past. Any advice?
Cherish, That sounds like a really challenging situation. Have you considered seeing a counsellor, either with your husband or alone? It sounds like you’ve tried, repeatedly, to talk to your husband about this and he is just not hearing you. A counsellor can be very helpful as a mediator to help you have this conversation. You said that it tearing your marriage apart and I can see how it would. Counselling now could be an excellent tool to repair things before they get worse.
Parenting is always a hard journey, and step-parenting is even harder. There is no shame in needing some extra resources. It might be beneficial to bring the child to the counsellor as well. Children, just like adults, acts a certain way because it gets them something. A counsellor might be able to help you identify what it is that is causing him to act out this way and give you some strategies to work through it. I think the biggest thing is to get you and your husband on the same page. Marriage is supposed to mean that you’re on the same team – we against the world. It is incredibly hard when it feels like your partner is not on your side.
I’d encourage you to take this seriously. This is not something that you “just need to get over”, it’s an issue in your family that is unlikely to resolve all on its own. It may be that your husband has not realized how much this is hurting you. Or it could be that he has a blind spot where his children are concerned. Sometimes when there has been a divorce a parent is more indulgent because they feel guilty that the child’s home life was disrupted. But if your son is allowed to get away with whatever he wants at 10, what will happen when he’s 16 and driving?
It sounds to me like you are a woman who loves her husband and loves her three kids and is willing to do the work to be a great family. You are already doing the hard work of being the parent who sticks her ground. See if you can find a counsellor, or talk to your pastor. Tell your husband that you need to do this for the health of your relationship. Remind him that this is a step toward him, something to bring you closer not something to push you apart. You are not trying to leave you are working to stay and that’s a very good thing. If we can pray for you in this, just fill out this form and we’re happy to pray for you.
My husband and I have been married for going on nine years,, and for the most part we have had an awesome marriage. We have three children, two of which are his from a previous marriage, and then our own little Claire who just turned 5. My youngest step-son has always had trouble with authority especially with me. I always thought is was just me until I spoke to his mom and discovered he is also very disrespectful with her as well. My husband doesn’t see this though. When he’s home the child is on him like glue, so I don’t have to deal with his back talk and things so I don’t talk about it a lot to my husband. However, when my husband is at work, which is a lot sometimes he’s a farmer, I’m with all three children by myself. As I said earlier, he never sees what goes on when he’s not here so I’ve tried to talk about it. Every time he has made excuses for the child and proceeds to tell me to stop being negative towards “his child” as he calls him. I’m tired of being thrown under a bus by a ten year old then being run over by the bus driver, my husband. I have gotten to the point that I told my step son I know he doesn’t like me. I know he doesn’t. I’m the only one who makes him say his sirs and ma’ams, makes him do his chores, clean his room. It’s like good cop bad cop but only one this one child. It’s tearing my marriage to my best friend part and it’s killing me to see it. I know I should let things go at times, but I can’t have the other two behaving right and doing what they’re told while the other walks all over me. I’m tired of being ignored by my husband and hearing excuses as to why I’m disrespected by the child whom I love dearly. It hurts. It hurts a lot.
I have been there too ladies. I got hurt multiple times. Everytime I tried to work it out. It has been an year now but i Still havent forgotten a word he said to his coworker. I am hurt, its like an open wound just cannot seem to heal. All those bad memories, thoughts attack me when I alone, i used to wske up every morning crying..it hard.. Its really hard to even believe that someone u lovee sooo much could hurt you this bad.. I could never do this to him then why would he.. Why would he just broke all those promises and act like nothing happened.. Is he the same person i fell in love with.. Thinking of all this makes me feel like I am dieing inside. I love my husband so much thats why I am still with him. But all those bad memories are always here to remind me how this person broke my trust twice. I am never going to trust him again…never. I cant let go all the anger and pain from past but I will try my best to prevent it from happening again to me .. And for that I have made some changes in my life. I have to moniter my husband just to make sure he doesnt hurt me again.. Keeping an eye on him gave me a reason to continue rest of my life with him.. There multiples ways which I use to keep check on him if any of you ladies need help please email me at [address removed] Maybe whats helpIng me secure my future might help u too.
I have been married a little over a year now. My husband was always the guy that still talked to all of his exes, which to me sounded abnormal. sure enough, I discovered his call log and the fact that he exchanged about 3 text messages per day for about 4-5 months with his last ex, a woman that did not care for him at all. he later admitted that he still had anger inside for the way he was treated because he was crazy about her.
six months into my marriage i discovered a message sent by him (at 2am, after which he came in bed next to me) to one of his co-workers saying “I still like you a lot too. make sure you delete the text messages” I was going to school and I didn’t have time to go to counseling. I threw him out of the house, but he never left. I had to eventually forgive him and i managed to forget after i spoke to a friend that went to priest-school. last week i went to a hospital where that co-worker of his was doing her rotations (nursing school) and she passed me by twice, looked at me like she owned me and also sent her little classmates to take a look at me(of course, I have to be ashamed of my husband’s mistakes, I cannot be respected because he put me in such a low position..not only emotionally cheating on me, but also telling her to be an accomplice, the lowest, poorest choices I’ve ever heard of) ever since, I’ve become a b*tch to my husband again, I tell him to start looking for girl-friends because i will never make him babies or I cried telling him he made me feel like less of a woman, because i was full of hope when we started out, I went from serving raw chicken to making my own marinades from scratch..I’ve given too much and have had my dreams crushed.
I secretly hope our marriage will fail so that I don’t have to accept half-persons in my life.
he doesn’t want to talk about it, is defensive about it and even had a few episodes that require anger management classes.
I need to forgive, forget and be able to love again. please advise, thank you so much for your time
Hope, I am so sorry to hear of the pain you are experiencing in your marriage. Have you and your husband discussed pastoral counselling or Christian marriage counselling? Often an unbiased third party can help us to see areas of our behaviour toward our spouses to which we have closed ourselves. It is so important that we do not allow family members to come between us in a marriage, even our children. The Lord directs us to leave our father and our mother and cleave to our spouse in Genesis 2:24: ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” [NKJV]
Also, may I suggest that you ask your husband to begin reading and praying together over the Scriptures? Even fifteen to 30 minutes daily in reading and praying together over the Bible and/or a marriage devotional can transform your marriage and your attitudes toward one another as the Lord works on your hearts. One marriage devotional that I would definitely suggest is “Moments With You” by Barbara and Dennis Rainey, and you can find their devotional at the following site called Family Life:
http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.3930045/k.4B3B/Moments_with_You_Daily_Devotional.htm
This devotional can be ordered in your inbox daily, and the Raineys also have edited a marriage devotional Bible in the NKJV called The Family Life Marriage Bible, which has wonderful articles and suggestions in it for both husbands and wives. I highly recommend it as a wonderful devotional reading tool for individual and couples’s reading.
Our Lord Jesus is our our wonderful Healer and He will always direct you in the Way you should go. I pray that He blesses you and your husband, and that He lays His hands on your marriage and binds the two of you together in His eternal love, Hope. I ask these things in the holy and precious name of Jesus our Lord. Amen.
My husband has abandoned me emotionally. He has an extremely high pressure job, as do I. We both have been preoccupied with it and are often physically tired. In the midst of all of this his mother has begun a campaign of slander against throughout the family. Her main issue is our change in denomination since marriage. In short, she believes that I have brainwashed him. He has felt trapped in the middle of this but has not defended me. It has caused deep pain. I have wrongly withheld physical intimacy from him and slowly have withheld my emotions–mainly because I don’t trust him to handle them with care. For the past few months, I have actively tried to repair our relationship with date nights and regular physical intimacy; he is happy but he still remains guarded emotionally and doesnt seem to understand the depth of pain he has caused nor our need to rebuild our relationship. I don’t know what else to do other than live in a loveless arrangement or end it.
Bonny,
I’m so sorry to hear about the troubles in your marriage. You said you were going for help with depression. Have you and your husband discussed seeing a counselor together? He’s clearly having a hard time forgiving you but it might be helpful to talk through your issues with a professional. I hope that with help, you would be able to work through your anger and outbursts. I’d like to pray for you.
Lord God, I lift up Bonny and her family to you. I pray that you would be with her as she struggles with her anger. I pray that you would help her husband to be able to forgive her. Lord, open the hearts of Bonny and her husband so they will be able to understand each other. I pray that you would be with their children. You know what the kids are going through and I pray that you would guide them. I pray that you would keep their children on your path and that they would turn to you for comfort. Guide Bonny and her husband to do your will in their marriage. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
If you’d like to talk to someone privately, I invite you to talk to a mentor. Our mentors are available to walk through anything you might be struggling with. You can sign up for a mentor here.
I hurt my husband terrible with outbursts of slander- oh I am so angry at myself-he’s doing so much for us. He’s angry at me now and threatens to seperate. He sleeps in the other room and really can’t find it in his heart to forgive me. So he’s alienating me and I do deserve this I really do. We are married for 31 years and had so many issues. Please pray for us we need help- please pray for our family- our kids are affected badly. I am going for depression and menopausal help as this is whats trggering my outbursts. please pray.
God Bless
Bonny
I am so sorry for your loss Tab. Losing a baby like that is so painful and it is so hard to know how to grieve that kind of a loss. I agree that your husband did not handle this in the best way but could I suggest that maybe he is also hurting and not sure of how to deal with this loss? Perhaps he has made some bad decisions because he has not been able to think clearly with this loss. Before you write him off you may find that sitting down and helping him to express his grief may be a way to help find his true feelings and motivations. I am not suggesting that this excuses his poor choices but you may be able to work things out if you take some time and talk through things with him without the accusations and attacks. Calmly let him know how you are feeling about the loss of your baby. Ask him about the hopes that he had for this little one and how he is resolving the loss in his heart and mind. Use this as a time to draw closer to each other rather than driving you further apart.
My husband is always lying to me, mostly about his ex-wife who he communicates with behind me back and lies about it. I was 12 weeks pregnant and we found out there was no heartbeat, so I had to have a d&c on November 28, 2011 which was a day after my 24th birthday. I tried to log into my husbands email account to get some info from a attorney, this account he never used to communicate with her. To my suprise the password had been change, I thought i had forgot it so reset it. When I logged in i found email to his ex-wife sent the day of my birthday and the day of my surgery for the d&c. He was sharing things with her that was special between us and it was our own little connection that we shared. Every since there divorce he has always keep our contact info, address, work, school etc from her. Except in these email he gave it all to her. Our address my school info, his school info our work, and his number. I feel betrayed and lied to and hurt. Specially for the fact that it was on one of the worst days of our (MY) life. We had lost our baby and he didnt even care. He was too worried about emailing her and telling her stuff she had no business knowing. Then he starts the blame game. Telling me its all my fault. This is not the first time. He has also done it with several of his other ex’s an I dont know what to do, I dont think i’ll ever be able to trust him again. Specially with the fact that he took no responsibility for his actions and words that cut deep. He just yelled at me an blamed me for everything, and the loss of the baby. I want out, but im too scared to leave. Any advice?
Anonymous,
When I read your comment it broke my heart. It must have hurt so deeply to find your husband had betrayed your trust. Your husband sounds very resistant to talking about any issue he might have with pornography. An article that might help you is about how you can help your husband in his battle with porn. You mentioned he has been very careful since you found him that night but it might still be a good article to read. Porn is an issue that can easily rip apart a marriage so it is very good that you are going to counseling. However, you said you’re having a lot of trouble bringing up his porn use. Could it be because you don’t feel comfortable bringing it up with him let alone with someone else in the room? Do you feel you’d like to talk about his porn use with him before you talk to the counselor?
You mentioned you didn’t know about your husband’s sexual partners before you were married. That is another betrayal of your trust and it must make it even more difficult to get past the porn issue. Another article that might be helpful to you is one on how you can rebuild the trust in your marriage. Do you feel like he’s truly making an effort to rebuild your trust? Your anxiety sounds like it stems from his past lies and betrayal. That doesn’t mean that you have to be depressed for your whole life because of this terrible time. Depression is a serious medical condition but do you feel like you could work through these things and be happy again? Is that something you want? Wherever you’re at in your marriage at this point, my prayer for you is that you would find a trusted friend to walk you through whatever comes in your marriage.
You said you need prayer desperately. Please know that God hears your prayers. God sees all of your tears and knows what’s going on in your marriage. Here is my prayer: Lord, I pray that you would grant this woman whom you love the courage to walk through this time in her marriage. I pray that as she and her husband struggle that you would give them wisdom as they raise their baby. I pray that you would give her husband the courage to talk about what he struggles with. May you give peace to this household and work through the sadness there. I pray that you would provide support for the next steps that need to be taken in their marriage and I pray that you would heal the hurt there. I thank you for the gift of a child that you’ve given them and I pray that this couple would be honest with each other and open about their feelings. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
If you’d like to continue this conversation privately, you can talk to a mentor. Our online mentors will listen and talk with you through anything you’re struggling with. You can sign up for a mentor here. I pray that God would comfort you today.
Arlene,
I’m so sorry to hear about what’s going on in your marriage. From what you’ve described of your situation, that’s not what love looks like. You said you feel guilty for not liking your husband but know that if he is abusive it’s not your fault. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. Abuse is never okay. You mention that your husband is physically abusive and at times you fear for your life. If you are afraid for your safety, please tell someone. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a very good resource for domestic violence. Depending on where you live, most cities have their own domestic violence hotlines too and I would encourage you to seek out the one closest to you. It must hurt so deeply that your husband treats you this way.
In making decisions about your marriage, think about your own well-being. If you’re afraid you don’t have to live like this. My prayer for you is that you would find a trusted friend to walk through this with you. Don’t be silent about what’s going on in your life. I would encourage you to see a counselor. If you’re intent on staying in your marriage, ask your husband to go to counseling with you. Even if he won’t go, you have been through a great deal of trauma in your marriage and a professional counselor could be very helpful to you. A good start may be talking to an online mentor. Our mentors will walk you through whatever is going on in your marriage and support you. You can sign up for a mentor here. I would also like to pray for you.
Lord, I pray that you would guide Arlene in her marriage. I pray that you would protect her physically and emotionally. I pray that you would help her through decisions she needs to make. May she find a friend who she can trust to walk with her through whatever comes next. Give her wisdom to know the next steps she needs to take with her husband. May you touch Arlene’s husband’s heart and change the way he sees her. I pray that you would keep Arlene safe and that she wouldn’t feel guilty about what’s going on in her marriage. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
A little after a week of being married I caught my husband looking at porn. I was 9 months pregnant with our child and had been trying to get him to be intimate with me earlier that night but he refused because of how far along I was. I know God sent me to see him that night because I had waken up out of a deep sleep and had an urge to go to the living room. Our floor normally creaked heavily especially under the weight of a nine month pregnant women. That night it didn’t. When I walked in the living room I saw him and stood in horror that he would do that after promising me that he wouldn’t. We had been together a year by then and a condition of us getting together was him getting rid of all the playboy magazines he had. I felt so heartbroken the only words I could utter was “What are you doing?!” He turned and saw me and quickly got off the website. I ran back to our room and cried. He came in after me apologizing over and over but the damage was done. I had been through a lot for this man (more than I can believe even now) and he betrayed me. My conditions to our marriage was for him to never lie to me or cheat on me and that night be broke both. He swore he would make it up to me and for 6 months after he never got near a computer unless someone was near him watching. I have had a very hard time trusting anyone since I was little but I thought I could trust him of all people. That night took place over a year ago and now we have two kids together. I still have trouble getting over that night. My husband keeps telling me I need to get over it but I just can’t. He doesn’t want to talk about it and every time I try to bring it up to tell him why it still bothers me he says, “Not now.” and leaves the room. I have learned since being married that my husband has been sexual with 20 women in his life. I am the last. Before we got married I only knew of one. These things have developed into a depression which I am being told I will most likely have to take anti-depressants the rest of my life. I am now constantly scared that my husband will cheat on me. I don’t know what to do. I have told him about how scared I am and he swears he will never cheat on me because he loves me too much. We have begun marriage counseling but I am too scared to bring up these things. I don’t know why. I need prayer desperately in this matter.
My husband had a mental breakdown.
He hurt me so bad during this time.
He slandered and lied on me like I have never heard before.
Friends and so called loved ones rejected me.
During the whole ordeal, I just wanted him well again.
He seems to be doing better.
However, I don’t like him.
I feel guilty.
I would never think of divorcing him.
I just do not like him. (My close family seem relieved)
It seems he goes in and out.
Prior to his nervous breakdown, he was so hateful to me. Almost if not everyday cursing me out, mentally and physically abusive.
During his nervous breakdown, he was mostly nice.
However, he seems like his old self now, angry, hateful and neglectful.
I feel afraid. (Sometimes afraid for my life)
I want to do the God thing and not continue to live separated..but just want him to treat me better.
Please help me do the God think
Anonymous and Jen, I am so sorry that both of you have gone through so much hurt in your marriage. Before I can make any suggestions about how to forgive and forget, I have to ask you, what do you think your husband’s attitude is to your marriage? Do you think he wants to have a healthy, vibrant, loving relationship with you? Your steps forward to forgiveness are going to be different depending on what your husband is looking for.
I do know that Jesus knows your husband’s heart better than anyone and He is able to create a transformation in his heart as well as one in yours. Let me pray for that, “Lord God I ask on behalf of these two ladies that You would work a miracle in their marriages. There has been so much hurt that it is hard to see how things could ever get better. Their husbands need new hearts and these ladies also need their walls broken down between their husbands. Only You can do that God and so we look to You. Help both ladies to have a clear understanding of what next steps You want them to take. Help them to discover how You can put forgiveness in their hearts. In Jesus’ name, amen.
My husband claims he has never been unfaithful and since i am hia first real relationship to forgive him for not knowing how to be a husband and a father. I am seven years older and life comea with an instruction manual and its called the BIBLE. The people he hangs out with are drunka and junkies who have no respect for anyone i am suppose to bite my tongue and know my place my family ismy place he has lies straight face before how do i believe him now i dont want to take the kids from him but he has major anger issues but deniea it amd its always my fault he tells me im crazy and just making up excuses to fight he says i nees to let go of yesterday and get over it how do u do that
My husband and i will be married 3 years this december and its all i can do to be civil anymore. He doesnt understand exactly how bad he has hurt me. From the very night he preposed he has nights unaccounted for. I have found girls numbers in his closet he claims were before me numbers in his truck he claims were a friends i have been called by another name (his sisters) in the heat of passion i have had a female call and claim not only was she with him but pregnant he says it was just a joke a friend was playing on him i have gone thru phones changed our numbers yet still it gets no where i love him but i dont trust him he actually improved for a while until his mom died in march to weeks prior to her death i gave birth by c section to our third child and grace was smaller than expected and sick my blood pressure was thru the roof and i needed help. He forgot me i was used to watch my three and his sisters five while he got drunk and spoke to everyone else about his pain. He checked out on me. Two months later we went out and had some drinks and some girl started dancing for me why dont know and my husband offered to pay this stranger to come home with us. He went on amd on about her and her tight lil stuff even though he never even got close to her things got ugly and i wore bruises over her i snuck out after he passed out and went to get our kids i eventually came back to him amd really.want to believe in him again i habe prayed we sat with a minister but my heart is still troubled its like a poison taking over my body and i need advice on how to stop it before it destroys me
My husband has lied about viewing porn so many times I can hardly type this. I don’t trust him at all now! We has some issues prior to this but the porn is taking over each and every issue. The lies are just too much. :((
Lori my heart goes out to you.You are not alone in all of what you are feeling when realizing that your husband has been involved in looking at porn, something which probably isn’t new since you got married but rather something that goes way back in his life. It is a difficult thing to push past that hurt and start building trust again. May I suggest that the two of you go to see a counsellor? There are many different issues involved here, probably more than will just go away after having confronted him. He will need to seriously want to get rid of the triggers and deal with it from his end as well. Check out this resource for more information http://www.pureintimacy.org/
I have been married a little over a year and my husband just confessed that he has been looking at porn. As a result, I have experienced a variety of emotions: anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal, and rejection. I believe that my husband would rather be with the women in pornography rather than with me. I feel like the use of pornography is a violation of marital trust as well. When a man and woman marry, they vow to love, honor and cherish each other for the rest of their lives. Viewing pornography is similar to breaking these vows because he is in no way showing signs of love, honor and respect for me as his wife. His use of porn has hurt my self-esteem and my trust in him. I have talked to him about it and he said he knew it was wrong and he has said he is sorry. I have told him that I have forgiven him and we have come up with a few goals for him to accomplish to try and not fall into pornography again. But, I am still hurting and I feel betrayed and worthless. He does not seem too affected by how much he has hurt me; he has been more distant and quiet, almost numb. How can I push past the hurt and start building trust in him again?
Ariana,
I’m so sorry to hear your husband has hurt you in this way. Seeing his attraction to the other woman must have been very difficult for you. Have you talked to him about how this has really affected you? Are there any steps you would like for him to take in order to regain your trust? I’m not sure if you’re at the stage where you feel comfortable talking about it so you could also try writing down your feelings and telling him that way. When you found those photos it must have been very hard on your self-esteem. I can understand your hurt and I hope that you have others who support and encourage you for the person that you are. Thank you for your comment and if you would like to continue this conversation privately you can sign up for an email mentor. Our mentors are available to talk with you in a non-judgemental way and will be able to come alongside you during whatever you are going through in your marriage.
Hi my name is ariana,
I have been married for five years. Last week my husband and I attended a small get together and we had several drinks. I was catching up with the women, while he was with the guys. We were all in the same room and so he began taking pictures of everyone or that’s what he made me think. The next day i was going through his phone trying to see the pictures and to my surprise there were around 10 or so pictures of one girl in particular. When i confronted him about it he said he had no idea she was in the pictures, sure enough he admits he was purposely taking the pictures of her. I was hurt, i felt betrayed and mostly diasspointed. The pictures were shots of the girl’s buttocks, she was wearing a white short mini skirt. He also admitted to looking down her skirt while she was sitting down. I’m very hurt because he had no care in the world that i was in the same room. I need advice as soon as possible please.
Yes, I know how hard it must be for you and it is hard to trust someone like that who constantly says he is sorry and hurts you over and over again. I am sure you love him but your heart can only take so much of it. If I was in your position, I would take a stand for what is right and follow it with all my heart. How long can you stay in a relationship where your goodness seems to be taken advantage of and trust is gone? There are more questions you could ask yourself in regard to this relationship and find out the answers. Why don’t you do that and see what you can come up with? Draw your own conclusion… If you need more help make sure to request for a mentor by following this link. Thank you Babes
http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/