When Your Spouse Hurts You: How to Forgive and Forget

Written by Dr. Dave Currie

sexlove_spouseforgiveForgive and forget. It’s a well-worn cliché – one that is easier to say than to practice.

If you’re married, you’ve been there. Your spouse has said or done something that has wounded you. It may be something small, or it may be a major betrayal. Either way, your pride screams at you to take revenge. If you don’t strike back immediately, you at least want to keep this “guilt card” in your pocket, to be pulled out at a later date: “Oh yeah, well what about the time when you….”

When we’ve been offended, the last thing we want to do is to let it go. And yet, if our desire is to have a healthy, lasting marriage, that is exactly what we’ve got to do. Here are seven suggestions to keep in mind when your spouse lets you down:

  1. Don’t start without your spouse
    If you need to talk to your spouse about something, don’t just corner them and launch in unexpectedly. That is a recipe for hostility. Instead, agree together on a time to discuss the issue. That gives each of you a chance to think about it in advance, which will result in a more productive discussion than if one partner simply lambastes the unsuspecting “offender”.
  2. Handle negative emotions responsibly
    When we react emotionally, we often say and do things that we later regret. In many cases, it is best to delay the discussion until you’ve settled down, gained a proper perspective, and prayed about your attitude. This will allow you to go into it looking for a solution, rather than just being consumed with your own hurt.As partners, you need to respect each other’s need to “take five”. If your spouse needs to wait a few minutes, or even a day or two, to cool down, don’t press the issue. This should not be used as an excuse to avoid the discussion entirely, but it is better to take some time to clear your head than to allow your emotions to take you somewhere that you don’t want to go.
  3. Deal with one issue at a time
    Remember that “guilt card” we mentioned earlier? Once you’re into the discussion, you will be tempted to pull it out. Soon, your conversation has deteriorated into a long list of offenses, as you try to outdo one another with everything that the other person has ever done wrong.  This only intensifies the conflict and deepens the divide between you. It can also be overwhelming to be presented with a massive list of things that need to change. Instead of being motivating, it’s discouraging.Instead, be content to solve one problem at a time. It is much better to make serious headway in one area of your relationship than to simply rehearse everything that needs fixing.
  4. Be clear about your perspective
    Give each other some uninterrupted time to share your concerns. If you are just trading barbs back and forth, neither of you will really be hearing the other – you’ll be too busy thinking about your next comeback.When it is your time to talk, try to help your mate understand your hurt or frustration. Help them to see why their actions and words had the impact that they did. Likewise, the offending spouse should have the opportunity to explain their words or behaviour. It could be that you have misinterpreted their motives, and when this is cleared up it goes along way towards solving the problem.
  5. Hold your relationship more dear than this issue
    Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our feelings or our “rights” that we lose sight of the bigger picture. People joke about marriages breaking up over toothpaste and toilet paper disputes, but it really happens! Remember that your relationship is the primary concern. You may have some issues to sort out, but you still love one another – and loving one another often means letting the other person be right.
  6. Walk in an attitude of forgiveness
    If you are going to live with this person for the next 20…30…50 years, you are going to have to forgive one another manytimes. You cannot afford to not forgive. Unforgiveness does not only hurt your spouse, it hurts you! As Corrie Ten Boom said, “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”This brings us back to the issue of forgiving and forgetting. In truth, there are some hurts that you will never be able to forget. What is more important is that we choose to let it go. Proverbs 17:9 says, “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Forgiveness entails giving up your right to punish your spouse – whether through direct retaliation or just letting bitterness fester.Over the past year, I have discovered the value of “advance forgiveness”. I make a conscious decision that, the next time my wife Donalyn offends me, I am going to forgive her. Then, when it happens, I remember that I have already decided to forgive her, so there is no point in making a big deal out of it now. This really helps to take my critical edge off.
  7. Forgive as Christ forgave you - Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each another and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”And just how does the Lord forgive us? Fully. Unconditionally. Willingly. Time and time again.This kind of forgiveness is supernatural; it is more than we can do on our own. Particularly if your spouse has betrayed you in a major way, you may need to ask God for the ability to let go of the hurt and forgive them from your heart. But as you trust God to give you His strength and love, He will help you to forgive…even when your spouse has really let you down.

If you have never experienced God’s complete, unconditional forgiveness, know this: God loves you deeply. There is no sin that is so great that He is unwilling to forgive you, if you would just come to Him. If this is the desire of your heart, pray this prayer:

Dear God, I need You in my marriage, and in my life. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life, and that I cannot go on any further without Your help and guidance – and above all, Your forgiveness. I thank You for sending Your Son Jesus to die on the cross to pay for my sins. I now accept that sacrifice and invite Jesus to take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and empower me to live the life You have called me to. Thank You for forgiving me. Amen.


238 Responses to “When Your Spouse Hurts You: How to Forgive and Forget”

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Thank you E for your comment to this blog and may the lord our God bless you.

  • E says:

    Michael, thanks for the good advice. I will take it to heart because I want more than anything to forgive and keep our marriage and family. I do realize that it’s mostly my problem now because of the way I feel about it and how it affects me. I do need to fill my mind up with other thoughts so I will give your suggestions some effort on my part. Right now I don’t. feel like I have room for anything but the past ( another sin I keep committing ) so you’re suggestions give me some hope . Anyway thanks and I will pray for you all. What a blessing and sacrifice you make for others in which you have never even met.

  • Michael Jantzen Michael Jantzen says:

    Hello E. Thanks for taking our discussion to heart. This is a battle of the mind that you can win through daily dependence on the the power of God’s Spirit. If you’re not sure how to connect to God’s power, I would encourage you to watch this video: http://www.thelife.com/challenges/breathe Whenever you start dwelling on her sexual past, you can tell God about how you feel, exhaling any frustration or bitterness, and inhaling his strength and love for your wife. I would suggest that you start praising her for the wonderful things you see in her. If yo focus on her good qualities, you’r mind will have less room to focus on the past. After a while, you may start to see the blessings you do have in your sex life too. If you’ve neglected pursuing her sexually, then I would make a point to pursue her sexually, and when you do, pray in your mind before hand, asking God to protect your mind and help you cherish her. With these steps I believe you can win this battle. You “need” to for the sake of your wife’s heart and your marriage. If it helps, imagine if she kept dwelling on your ‘internet’ mistakes. How would that feel. We can keep the other imprisoned by shame through un-forgiveness. We need to continually poor out grace towards our partner. One last thing, if this trouble with her past is because of some insecurity you are having in life, perhaps your job, or questioning your self-worth, then I would encourage you to see a counselor, because there may be a deeper issue to solve. Take care, E. I’m praying for you.

  • E says:

    Michael, thanks again for the response and words for me to think on. I truly pray that she is my wife and that I am her husband in the flesh in Gods eyes. Everybody tells me what a big deal I am making over this but in reality, Im making a big deal over the pain is it causing me. I have hurt my wife by way of the Internet btw. Not proud of it but wonder how my feelings toward her in this manner and marriage would be if things were different and I thought I was that only special one to share that special something with? I know it may sound selfish, but it doesn’t seem special to me and Im looking for ways to believe it truly is, in Gods eyes and ours. Any other advice on that front? Thanks in advance.

  • Michael Jantzen Michael Jantzen says:

    Hello E. I’m glad you could relate to the stories I sent you. From what you say I take it that you wonder about how to interpret the reference in Genesis about a man and a woman becoming one flesh. While there is a spiritual and emotional component involved when two people have sex before marriage that can leave a lasting attachment and scarring, I believe you are making too much of this verse. I’m convinced that the marriage covenant you and your wife have, plus the all-powerful blood of Jesus, overrides the spiritual connection she experienced with this man. She is your wife completely. Yes, she may have memories of that past experience and still be affected by it, but that does’t make her belong to another. I wonder if you have ever experienced sexual brokeness and failure of your own (I know I have), because that should lead you to have compassion and understanding for your wife. If you’ve ever fallen into watching porn (and you’re the exception if you haven’t), then how is that not saving yourself for your wife alone? All I’m saying is that it’s good to search ones own heart because when you can point out your own shameful shortcomings, you’re able to extend Jesus’ grace and forgiveness to your wife. If you think I’m totally wrong here, please let me know. I’m just trying to help you get out of the rut so you can move on to have a more joyful marriage. Take care.

  • E says:

    Michael, Thanks for the link. That pretty much somes it up except my wife just gave in to peer pressure basically. I forgave. her long before we married and never had trouble dealing with this until now. Maybe it just seems more real to me now but I am having trouble enjoying what God intended for us to enjoy. I sometimes wonder about the one flesh thing and if my wife is really my wife in Gods eyes. I just don’t understand it enough but pray all the time for God to give me the grace for true forgiveness. I also pray for some way of comfort to know and understand that my wife doesn’t actually belong to somebody else in Gods eyes. Thanks for your responses.

  • Michael Jantzen Michael Jantzen says:

    Hello E. We have a story written by a man who has gone through the similar disappointments about his wife’s sexual past: http://thelife.com/challenges/the-deepest-place We also tell her side of the story. http://thelife.com/challenges/still-worthy Reading/watching these may help you. Take care. Please let me know what you think.

  • vierocka says:

    E. .. You said your wife is forgiven in God’s eyes. That make me think that you are christians. God said in His word that he will not remember our sins. If God is so forgiving and forgetting why shouldn’t we? Your wife is forgiven, forgive her too from your heart and don’t go back like God is doing. He will give you strength. God joined you together let’s man not separate what God joined. Don’t destroy family and your kids lives.

  • Chris Chris says:

    E….sorry to hear of your battle….from what you say, your wife was at that time as a teenager, basically raped. the boy took advantage of her as you say and forcably used his will against hers. we also understand that the american dating system permits youngsters to be alone when they shouldnt be. lack of parental guidance is also at fault here. above all however, we all need to experience the forgiveness of christ for our own sins in order to be able to forgive others however repeating, your wife of today really wasnt guilty at 15. if you havent experienced the forgiveness of jesus for your sins he died for, you can today. simply log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above to start your own personal relationship with christ today and thereby be able to forgive and let go of your wifes past and help her to forget her past as well. in jesus name i pray amen!

  • E says:

    Hi. I have recently been struggling with my marriage to my wife of 12 years. My wife was taken advantage of by her first boyfriend when she was 15. It was not a good experience for her and although we gave into the temptation once before our marriage, it wasn’t until after that I found out she has been with somebody else. I was blown away and hurt by this but we were already in love and may have even been engaged. I saved myself for the one I loved but my wife didn’t. It didn’t bother me much until now and I am in more pain then ever. I know she is forgiven and I know she wants to be with me but I feel like she is not my wife in Gods eyes and that she belongs to someone else whether I like it or not. The one flesh thing hurts me deeply but I do not have a good understanding of all this. My wife feels like I don’t love her because she thinks that I would not be bothered this much by it. Truth is, I am and am hurt by this in many different ways. I want to forgive and forget and keep doing so but I feel like this is such an important part of marriage and we can get over this road block. It was so long ago its like it never happened to her but I made the mistake of bringing up the past and now I know too much about it. We have children together and I am fighting my emotions just to keep the family together.

  • Alfred Alfred says:

    Hi Don, It’s good you took the time to express yourself. I like the way you say that happiness needs to come from taking care of yourself and helping others, rather than expecting others to be the source of true happiness. I find that my work of comforting and encouraging others on this website is therapy for me, and sometimes it becomes a passion. Yet, I feel that it is not so much my doing as it is the Lord working through me to help others.
    Your wife seems to feel that she is meeting the needs of these other men in the chat-rooms, while not realizing that you have a need which she’s not meeting! There is a difference between her and my involvement in that hers is getting to be detrimental to your relationship. Might it be that your wife has an unmet need that you would do well to try and meet? My advice is (rather than to criticize her) that you look for things the two of you can do together. It could be anything from housework, to re-organizing the file-cabinet, to playing a game now and then…. My wife recently showed me how to cook a home-made soup! All the best, Don.
    Praying for both of you, Alfred.

  • Don says:

    After reading all these comments on here including mine I came to realize that why do we all rely on other people to make us happy? I have changed my ways! I work on myself both physically and spiritually to become a better person! I work out everyday and go to church! I love my wife but realize things have changed between us! I am no longer in to her as I was and am doing more for me instead of her. I can see a future without her and there will be unless she gets off the chat rooms because there is nothing there for her only deceitful men with problems! I have 2 good pensions and I am in good shape own a nice home and have a beautiful muscle car and am a God fearing man if she wants to trade that in for a bunch of guys that do drugs and bitch about their wives then so be it! People wake up get rid of these parasites in your lives and move on to something better!

  • LJ says:

    I am very sorry to hear all of these sad stories. I wish all of you the best in your relationships.
    I am newly wed with a new baby as well. I have been finding lots of problems in getting along with my husband and things from the past. In any case I have been told to read some books which I have found absolutely helpful.
    Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin
    Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle
    Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray
    I believe these books might give clarity on why some of these things happen in relationships. I have gotten lots of answers and advice on how to have a better marriage.
    Please take the time to check them out.

  • Chris Chris says:

    feeling unloved…sorry to hear of your situation. my suggestion would be to give your marriage a chance. if your husband is truly wanting to continue the marriage, then he will be sure and not be in communication with other women once he is freed from jail. let him show you his sincerity with a life backs up his words. time is the great revealer. give him the time test and let him prove his love to you as your husband. the bible doesnt say we marry perfect husbands who know how to love unconditionally. that is something you can only be sure to receive from christ jesus. for more information on knowing jesus unconditional love log onto…knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above. i pray that jesus would be your one true source in life and in him you will have the peace and love you will always need amen

  • Feeingunloved says:

    My husband is incarcerated and will be out soon.During the time he has been away, he has been very verbally abusive and I began to see other men.I felt really guilty about and went to God and repented for my sins. I then found out that my husband had girlfriends…there were so many of them. He denied it and soon after we forgave each other. He continued to talk to me abusively and would always end up with someone else. We have been talking lately and he seems sincere…he . says he loves me and wants our family but I am having a real l y hard time trusting him. He blames everything on me and I am not able to handle this marriage anymore.I need a husband that loves me unconditionally.

  • life says:

    My husband and I got married in 2011. Seven months into our marriage he choked me . We are both supposed to be Christians. We seperated for four months after that. I got pregnant and left him again because he was verbally and mentally abusive . I was so stressed from the verbal abuse I was afraid I would lose the baby. We have been separated living in two different states. He does not take of his child as he should. Every time I forgive him he hurts me again. I was supposed to be. Home a month ago but when I went to visit him he got physical again. He wants to move forward and im trying but I can’t.

  • Chris Chris says:

    titi…sorry to hear of your situation. personally i dont see in the bible where a man is to be working away from his family. it only leads to temptation which we see in this case. if your husband is sincere about being restored to you and his children, he needs to be looking for local work and renounce all contact with this other woman. i pray jesus would help you during this time and that true repentance would come to your husbands heasrt as well amen. knowingjesuspersonally.com

  • Titi says:

    husband break the news to me that he is seeing someone for almost 1 year and he didnt want to keep as secret and told me. We are in different country because of work , he visits us once a month., I have 2 kids 9 yrs & 4 yrs old, we have been married for 11 years. He was very good father & husband to the family. Now he cannt tell me what is the reason he feels like marrying her. He said family is very important and he doesn’t want to divorce. When he sees me miserable and he promised me he will stop. What shall I do? Will he keep his words and we will be ok?

  • Kathryn Kathryn says:

    Dear Donna, Thanks for sharing. It must be very painful for you trying to get it all down on paper so to speak, The thing is that you have both cheated and sinned grievously against each other and admitted it, He seems to be more anxious to get things right again in your marriage than you do. The only way I can personally see is to spend some time in prayer and repentance. God does forgive all our sins when we truly confess and want to change. A very important thing to remember is that He says quite clearly that if we do not forgive one another then He will not forgive us and that means that we cannot have eternal life unless we do forgive each other and confess. I am sure this is not new to you because most people know the words of the Lord’s prayer and maybe even the story of King David, a great king who loved God but he too fell into the sin of adultery. It may be a good idea if you look at the top of the page Donna where it suggests you can sign up for a mentor. That will be another woman experienced and caring who will stick with you through this difficult time in your life so that you can get your marriage together again. What do you think about that? Is it worth it to save your marriage and so business with God? I pray that it may be so. Blessings.

  • Donna says:

    My husband cheated on me with a prostitute…she and he both admited that she inianted it..but after a little coaxing on her part he fell into this hurtful act. She was desparate for money and promised him it was no strings attached, no emotional involvement, strictly business. This all occured during a very stressfull time in our marriage and life. We had illness and deaths on both side of the family. I was emotionally and sexually half available for my husband. I in fact was faithful during this time but that was about all I was doing right. Anyway my husband had sex with this prostitute two times, then he told her he felt qulity, she threaten to tell on him if he wouldnt keep helping her out with money. So he continued to give her small amt of money for four months after HE ended the sex affair. Well I found the text her asking for money…in May. He had ended the sex with her in Jan. but did keep giving her small amt of hush money untill I found out. I left him and we acted crazy for the first three months after I found out. I have spoken with the girl and her story matches his. SHe has apologized and said she was qulity of continually asking for money even after she knew he wanted nothing more to do with her she also admitted to the threats. I need to also admit that I had cheated on him in the first year of our marriage..he knew the truth although I never admited it completely he ask me not to. He forgave me after several months and our lives went on fairly smooth. Untill about three years ago when we let life drift us apart. Anyway..after I found out about the sex affair..I went crazy..I had sexualy fling wiht a old friend from high school just to get even…revenge. My husband has begged me for forgiveness..he said he is glad it came out becasue he had been a nervous wreck..he had felt tremondous qulit and had been walking in fear of her telling this on him. I must also mention this prostitute says she hadnt done this thing for long but had gotten messed up on drugs. and she is only 24 years old..he is 44 years old. He said the age was not a part of the reason but more just the fact that she offered the sex as a business deal,,no emotions involved..no strings attached..nobody gonna know..nobody gonna get hurt..He said he had never been tempted with anything like that before and he just let temptation pull him into it. Im not inocent I know but this hurt hit so hard..so deep…that Im having a hard time forgiving him..I love him but I feel I cant forgive him and stay with him. He has offered to do anything and everything to make our marriage work. But I just dont know how to let go of the hurt…betrayal…lies…all of it. Please help me with some tough love please or at the least some good advice..Im begging for help.

  • Chris Chris says:

    fi…i regret to hear of your marriage situation. thinking in terms of divorce is never pleasant but neither is adultery acceptable conduct in Gods eyes. the issue of being unfaithful to ones spouse puts the innocent party in a predicamente of not having a marriage if the unfaithful person doesnt repent. even if he does, jesus himself said that divorce was permissable under such conditions. its not really a question of forgiveness at that point, but understanding that there can be no marriage where adultery continues. of course, forgiveness is needed but that doesnt need that the debacle need to continue with a husband and father is being neither the one nor the other. yes, its good to wait upon the lord for clear instructions but his Word already validates divorce under conditions of sexual uncleanness or adultery. you have that right. check with walkingthechristianlife.com or divorcecare.org for some support you might need in your situation. i pray jesus would guide you in this, in agreement with his words and in agreement with what the holy spirit is indicating you to do based on 2 cor 3.17 where it says…where the spirit of the lord is, there is liberty! jesus doesnt want you to be enslaved to a man who continues to violate the marriage agreement. God takes his covenants very seriously and he expects others to do so as well. to break them does have serious consequences. blessings!

  • Fi says:

    I have been married for 4 years, and I dare say we are the ‘perfect’ couple in the eyes of our family and friends. Everyone thinks I am the luckiest girl to be married to have my husband. My husband has cheated on me four times. The first three times forgave and moved on because I do know that unforgiveness is a sin in it self. This fourth time I just can’t, I have become almost depressed, I want my husband to suffer and pay for what he has done. I am making plans to see how I can get a divorce and leave with my daughter, but the still voice tells me NO! I need help!

  • lou says:

    I have been married to my husband for 4years and we have 3beautiful children, Junior 4, Harvey 3 and lil girl Noah is 20
    months old and i am expecting another baby girl to come on the 10th of January. Before i discover that i’m pragnant i got my husband slept with his co-worker. I was so sock because i can’t believe this is happening to our marriage. I had never expect anything like that would had ever happen to us. He always told me that he loves me more than i love him and everything told him to do he always do no matter what. We used to go out drinking and party together and i had never see him of any sign of
    a betrayal attitude. I had no idear after i got him with my own eyes he confessed everything that he s been doing this slut
    behaviour since we got married and i dont understand why i asked him and told me he was just doing it for his need but out of love and he kept saying that he love me so much. He told me everthing that irs not just only one girl but everytime he went drinkinf with frens he met someone there he slept with them even if she is a slut or whatever but as long as he satisfied. Anyway he asked forgiveness and he promise he will quit drinking immitiately becoz he is only doing this when he got drunk. I
    wanted to forgive him becoz i love him so much and we both dont want our marrage to be over. We both agree to save our marriage by looking for help.we went to see counselling and church postor and had a very best advised that help me to forgive him and for him to regret his mistake. I tried my best to do for him to keep our new committment. Now its been 3months frofrom our new beginning with a second time he sneak out drinking and come back asled fogiveness but now. I am thinking of giving up of him. I am now thinking of moving with my kids back to my parent and leave him for good i dont want my kids to our arguing and fighting over and over with the same matter. Please advised me becoz i believe he that this is the only way
    but I know my heart still love him but im not sure if he love me or not anymore. I really need your help for the sake of my children.

  • Chris Chris says:

    R….i regret to hear of your struggles. being seperated like this with your husband in one country and you in another now for 2 years is surely not what God had in mind when he said the two would become one! plus the fact your marriage had been arranged as is the custom in india, really doesnt lend itself to the new testament idea of God doing the joining as he says he does in Matthew 19. these cases are so personal between God, the husband and wife, that its not my place to tell you what to do but knowing that God is s just God and that abandonment as described in 1 corinthians 7 does give way to a new opportunity in marriage, i think you have the right to be praying and talking with your husband about those truths so that you are not in a way, held hostage by him so to speak indefinitely and not able to fulfill your own purpose in christ and your right to have a true family, not a long distance one. why not seek the lord as we pray for his wisdom in this matter? james 1 promises us wisdom as we ask for it. divorcecare.org and walkingthechristianlife.com could be some Christian sites that might help you in your journey at this point. i pray that jesus guides you as the good shepherd he is in your life and marriage so that justice can be yours. i pray that the holy spirit would show you if you are really married to this man or not since only he can join two people according to his will and we know his will is unión, spiritual and physical, unión. lord jesus, bring your revelation and understanding to our sisters life and bring the marriage you have for her, nothing false, nothing imitation, just the real and true one that you have planned for her before she had even be born amen!

  • R says:

    this is the first time im askin advice on a site online..i feel comfortable writing n not talkin..i hav always dreamt of having a loving husband who cares n loves me..iv been married two years now n he is in states while im in india becaus of my visa delay..i cnt remember a tim when we hav had a proper conversation..ours was an arranged marriage n im tryin my best to b a gud wife..all i expect from him is some attention n care..he never talks lovingly, always belittles me, keeps avoiding talkin to me..with tym i hav started loving him as my husband n i terribly want to b happy with him..but he keeps implying he is not happy with me..the only affair i ever had was 6yrs long n it left me wounded n depressed..i cant tak it again..how do i mak things better? iv tried talkin to him n asking him d reason he is displeased with me..but he jus avoids it..i end up crying evry tym he doesnt call n whenever he does then also i cry becaus of his harsh tone n rude talks..i am blamed by my family for being a failure in family life..the only place i feel comfort is at church..i almost feel lik ending my miserable life somtyms..i dont knw what can be done..i feel a little relief when i pour my heart out in writing..i guess thats why im writing here right now..could you tell me some prayer that i can pray when i feel too depressed to think straight? thank you for taking time to read this.

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    Don,you are definitely in a very difficult place, especially since obviously your wife is dealing with a lot of fear, anger at being ‘taken in’, and I’m sure guilt and remorse over her actions. There are just so many emotions at work in her life right now. Being willing to talk to her every night is a great first step on your part!

    Being sad right now is a very natural response. Your trust has been broken and that trust will need to be rebuilt. Someone once described it as a trust bank and when a large withdrawal has occurred it’s been emptied. She will have to put some deposits in again so that you can see that you can trust her again.

    Don we have an awesome team of online mentors that would love to walk alongside of you as you go through this journey…if you would like to have someone to email with, just fill in the form on this page, http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and someone will email you back.

  • Don says:

    Doris thank you for your reply. I am having a hard time right now because I have not faced my wife yet when all of this came in to light. She went with my friends wife to stay in another state after she found out that what she was involved in was a scam and she had lost so much money. I talk to her on the phone every night sometimes she is willing and other times she is not in the mood. She is scared to come home because she is embarrassed and in going back the police did not get involved until after she had left because I found all the paperwork. I also found out that she thought there was a younger man she was having an emotional affair with and I also found out there was a lot of sexual texting going on. She thought he had a lot of money and they were going to run off to Costa Rica together. I asked her so a 40 year old man is going to run off with you a 58 year old woman? You were going to leave me and the 4 dogs? She is scared that I am very angry with her! I told her my anger has subsided but my sadness is very real. I am really hurt after 23 years that she would do this to me! She seems to be more upset that the guy was a scammer and angry at him for lying to her! I guess I do not count for much?! THANKYOU AGAIN DORIS!

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    It is so sad that your wife was taken in by this scam artist because of her need for emotional support. I’m glad however that you have forgiven her for as you said, so has God. Continue to work through things together and learn more about how to communicate and be an emotional support for one another.

    Dear Heavenly Father,
    Thank you for the incredible power of forgiveness. Help Don and his wife to continue to work on their marriage so that it can be all that you meant it to be. Amen

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    I just wanted to check back and make sure that you were able to connect with one of our mentors? Are you corresponding with someone? Prayerfully she will be able to continue to walk your journey with you.

  • Don says:

    My wife had an emotional affair but it turned out to be a scam and she lost over 60 thousand dollars but also played on her emotions! I will forgive her because I love her! God has forgiven me so I will forgive her! I am hurt and she has told me she is very sorry. I want my marriage to work and I had not been there for her. But if I ever catch the scammer he will need God as I will break every bone in his body!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Chris Chris says:

    Andrea…my prayer is that jesus peace will reign in your home, in the fathers heart and everyone who steps into into your home according to Matthew 10.13. blessings to you!

  • Andrea says:

    Thank you Doris for writing me back. I have tears in my eyes feeling your support. Yes, indeed the trainer situation will not be repeated and I will not replace it with someone else. I took a month off visiting my old father with my daughter. And meanwhile I have expressed my hurts to my husband. I did not tell him about the trashy affair. But I told him that his ignorance & meanness towards me after all these yrs is putting my strength to test. That I am scarred to fail this time., that I need his help. We did counseling for 2 yrs following my daughter birth. That helped to stop his drinking & control the domestic abuse. It was very private by doctor MD. He is retired now & moved. Today he is more healthy & easier to talk too. I am not scared of him anymore.

    I believe in forgiveness and that a child should be raised by a mom & dad. I want my home to be loving nurturing environment for every body. I am bit scared of going to counseling because as soon you speak abuse even though the hitting stopped many many yrs ago, there is always a risk they report it. And than you create new problems within a broken system. I down to our last issues, verbal abuse. If that stops than voala, I have accomplished fixing a good father for my girl.

    I will look into your mentor ship suggestion. Thank you :)

  • Chris Chris says:

    pretty….one thing to remember, jesus fogave those who crucified him on the cross although they showed no remorse. we will experience those times as well. of course, we are shocked when its our own mate but remember too we are in a spiritual marriage covenent with christ. how many times do we sin against him without truly confessing our heart-felt remorse and guilt before him. yes you do have a right to a divorce but you seem to not consider that because you want to show your husband mercy as you yourself have been shown. blessed are the merciful, they shall receive mercy. jesus bless you!

  • Pretty says:

    My husband cheated on me four years ago with one of his student. After I found out I confronted him and he denied it making up some stories. Only when I threatened (packed my bags and told him I was leaving) to leave him that he confessed that indeed he cheated but refused to talk about it. I struggle to forgive him because whenever I asked him about this affair hoping to find closure he doesn’t want to talk about it, I guess he is afraid that he might actually say something that might contradict the lies he had told me. Some times the hurt fades and everything goes back to normal and I think I have forgiven him, but when it does come back it hurt so much, I feel betrayed. What hurt me most is that I trusted him so much and the fact that he rather have me suffer than confess the whole truth and help me get over this hurt. I love him so much and I have prayed to God to help me forgive him but the hurt just goes away for a while and return. I just wish he could help me get over this. I have talked to him over and over without success.

  • Neal Neal says:

    Hi Sara,

    Let me start off by saying that you are showing that you are a strong woman by not seeking to avenge his behavior by acting in kind and that it’s okay to feel hurt.

    The fact that you have some past trauma exacerbates the feelings you have now. You don’t say whether you have sought professional counseling for your past experiences but this may be a good idea and bringing your husband to the sessions is also a good idea.

    If he doesn’t feel that he wants to accompany you perhaps you can start on your own and bring him in at a later date. The key is to help you to deal with your past and with your present.

    And don’t worry about making this trek alone, we have an excellent team of volunteer mentors who would love to be by your side to offer you support, encouragement and spiritual guidance at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/.

    Sara, I would like to pray for you at this time: Heavenly Father, I come to you on behalf of my friend Sara who has endured a lot of trauma in her life and is reaching out for guidance. Father, lift her up, bring her peace in her marriage, and end Sara’s pain..in Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

  • Sara says:

    I am so hurt because my husband blows up over little things and when we argue about them he just stops talking to me. He frequently just leaves the house and doesn’t come back for days at a time. He doesn’t reply to e-mails and texts and doesn’t pick up calls. He comes back and acts like nothing happened.

    I have abandonment issues due to a childhood trauma and I have been trying to work through them for years but his actions terrify me and just keep bringing me down. I have explained this to him many times and he even promised to not do it anymore… I’m writing this because he has left yet again.

    I have so much angry and hatred at him for treating me like this. I feel like I need to give him the cold shoulder but I’m not that kind of person because I never want to make someone feel how he makes me feel. I don’t want to stoop to his level. I don’t know what to do. I have this horrible hatred of him but at the same time I feel so attached to him, I feel so hurt when he leaves. What do I do?

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    My heart goes out to you today and to be honest, I hardly know how to respond. You have experienced so much hurt and you know that your behavior with the trainer wasn’t the right way to deal with it. There are some deep issues that you and your husband need to deal with. Do you have a pastor that you can talk to? Or is he willing to go to a professional counselor together? If he isn’t willing to go with you, perhaps you could start by yourself and see if you can deal with the root of your anger and hurt.

    We have a team of online mentors that are volunteers that would love to walk alongside of you on your journey. Just fill in the form on this page, http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/ and someone will email you back.

    In the meantime, let me pray for you.
    Dear Heavenly Father,
    I lift Andrea up to you right now. She has experienced a lot of hurt in her marriage Lord, and now is reaching out. Lord, help her to take her hurts to You and to allow You to show her how to forgive her husband. Only You can change hearts Lord….Amen.

  • Andrea says:

    I am married of ten years with an 8yr old daughter. My husband is not romantic, I fell in love bz I believed he will not betray me with other women, as for sex I am always intimating (but it’s not good) even in the start of our relationship it took months before anything happened. So now what once felt safe is a major problem. It makes me angry. Beside I have difficulties forgiving. He used to drink for yrs in the evenings, any demands from me, would get us fighting, me answering back, would get him to even slap. Now it sounds awful, I know I couldn’t leave bz I believed it could get better so few dramas family court counseling moving … He stopped being violent 5 yrs ago. I should be over it right ?? But no, I want more things to be fixed. Now we are down to put downs, shouting. Everytime he belittles me I explode. Last year I hold so much hate & frustration that I simply for few months daily slept with a trainer. I stopped seeing him as I know I only used him to sooth my wounds. I would not brake this family, I have a child. Help me to deal w issues in a more mature way ? Leaving is not a solution bz when I was pregnant, I had tasted his harsh side, but I was tired to start over & wanted to have a child so badly that I stayed. Now I will tell my self the worst is over, how can I erase bad memories Everytime I get disappointed or when weeks go by without any type of touching or simply bring acknowledged ?

Leave a Reply