When Your Spouse Hurts You: How to Forgive and Forget
Forgive and forget. It’s a well-worn cliché – one that is easier to say than to practice.
If you’re married, you’ve been there. Your spouse has said or done something that has wounded you. It may be something small, or it may be a major betrayal. Either way, your pride screams at you to take revenge. If you don’t strike back immediately, you at least want to keep this “guilt card” in your pocket, to be pulled out at a later date: “Oh yeah, well what about the time when you….”
When we’ve been offended, the last thing we want to do is to let it go. And yet, if our desire is to have a healthy, lasting marriage, that is exactly what we’ve got to do. Here are seven suggestions to keep in mind when your spouse lets you down:
- Don’t start without your spouse
If you need to talk to your spouse about something, don’t just corner them and launch in unexpectedly. That is a recipe for hostility. Instead, agree together on a time to discuss the issue. That gives each of you a chance to think about it in advance, which will result in a more productive discussion than if one partner simply lambastes the unsuspecting “offender”. - Handle negative emotions responsibly
When we react emotionally, we often say and do things that we later regret. In many cases, it is best to delay the discussion until you’ve settled down, gained a proper perspective, and prayed about your attitude. This will allow you to go into it looking for a solution, rather than just being consumed with your own hurt.As partners, you need to respect each other’s need to “take five”. If your spouse needs to wait a few minutes, or even a day or two, to cool down, don’t press the issue. This should not be used as an excuse to avoid the discussion entirely, but it is better to take some time to clear your head than to allow your emotions to take you somewhere that you don’t want to go. - Deal with one issue at a time
Remember that “guilt card” we mentioned earlier? Once you’re into the discussion, you will be tempted to pull it out. Soon, your conversation has deteriorated into a long list of offenses, as you try to outdo one another with everything that the other person has ever done wrong. This only intensifies the conflict and deepens the divide between you. It can also be overwhelming to be presented with a massive list of things that need to change. Instead of being motivating, it’s discouraging.Instead, be content to solve one problem at a time. It is much better to make serious headway in one area of your relationship than to simply rehearse everything that needs fixing. - Be clear about your perspective
Give each other some uninterrupted time to share your concerns. If you are just trading barbs back and forth, neither of you will really be hearing the other – you’ll be too busy thinking about your next comeback.When it is your time to talk, try to help your mate understand your hurt or frustration. Help them to see why their actions and words had the impact that they did. Likewise, the offending spouse should have the opportunity to explain their words or behaviour. It could be that you have misinterpreted their motives, and when this is cleared up it goes along way towards solving the problem. - Hold your relationship more dear than this issue
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our feelings or our “rights” that we lose sight of the bigger picture. People joke about marriages breaking up over toothpaste and toilet paper disputes, but it really happens! Remember that your relationship is the primary concern. You may have some issues to sort out, but you still love one another – and loving one another often means letting the other person be right. - Walk in an attitude of forgiveness
If you are going to live with this person for the next 20…30…50 years, you are going to have to forgive one another manytimes. You cannot afford to not forgive. Unforgiveness does not only hurt your spouse, it hurts you! As Corrie Ten Boom said, “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”This brings us back to the issue of forgiving and forgetting. In truth, there are some hurts that you will never be able to forget. What is more important is that we choose to let it go. Proverbs 17:9 says, “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Forgiveness entails giving up your right to punish your spouse – whether through direct retaliation or just letting bitterness fester.Over the past year, I have discovered the value of “advance forgiveness”. I make a conscious decision that, the next time my wife Donalyn offends me, I am going to forgive her. Then, when it happens, I remember that I have already decided to forgive her, so there is no point in making a big deal out of it now. This really helps to take my critical edge off. - Forgive as Christ forgave you - Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each another and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”And just how does the Lord forgive us? Fully. Unconditionally. Willingly. Time and time again.This kind of forgiveness is supernatural; it is more than we can do on our own. Particularly if your spouse has betrayed you in a major way, you may need to ask God for the ability to let go of the hurt and forgive them from your heart. But as you trust God to give you His strength and love, He will help you to forgive…even when your spouse has really let you down.
If you have never experienced God’s complete, unconditional forgiveness, know this: God loves you deeply. There is no sin that is so great that He is unwilling to forgive you, if you would just come to Him. If this is the desire of your heart, pray this prayer:
Dear God, I need You in my marriage, and in my life. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life, and that I cannot go on any further without Your help and guidance – and above all, Your forgiveness. I thank You for sending Your Son Jesus to die on the cross to pay for my sins. I now accept that sacrifice and invite Jesus to take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and empower me to live the life You have called me to. Thank You for forgiving me. Amen.
Hello,am currently engaged and am having a hard time forgiving my fiance for cheating on me whilst i was pregnant with our son and how he disrespected me and not protect me whilst i stayed strong for us.I am now losing myself,sanity and life,am so angry and bitter.Am asking myself on why did he do that to us,did we not matter much and am now tormenting him with reminding him of all the sins he has done.I have turned into a bad,evil person that is trapped in pain,hurt and past.I want to be a better woman,mother and wife and be happy about me.Sad part of all this is that he really is trying to rectify his mistakes and make me happy but i cant let go.Its falling apart!
Angela, I think that there are several factors at play in your situation. If you find that you cannot resolve things between yourself and your husband I highly recommend seeing a counsellor. Counsellors are very good at conflict resolution. But before we get there let’s take a look at your situation as you’ve described it here. In reading your comment I see a couple of areas where you are concerned:
1. You want to forgive your husband but have difficulty doing so.
2. You feel devalued or cheapened by the idea that he would be ok with you going topless in the hot tub.
3. You worry that his behaviour on the weekend is indicative of a deeper issue.
I’m guessing you probably also feel sexually distant from your husband – which would make sense. If he has crossed a boundary (he’d be okay with you revealing yourself to these friends of yours and you are not okay with that) then it makes sense that you wouldn’t feel as safe with him as you did before.
I think you guys need to have a good long talk. He may have no idea how uncomfortable he made you. Or may know exactly how you felt and feel awful about it and has been wondering how to bring it up. Perhaps he was kidding? Perhaps he thought you might go for it? Whatever he was hoping for or expecting, you guys need to talk about it. You need to reestablish the sexual boundaries so that you can both feel safe and secure together. The two of you need to talk about what is and is not okay in your physical relationship. It’s not an easy talk, but it’s necessary. Make sure that you don’t try to have this conversation when you’re tired, or angry. It may help to set up a time to talk about it, so that your husband has some warning and doesn’t feel blindsided by it. If in the process of your discussion you discover that your husband has some desires that you weren’t aware of or are not comfortable with, you may find that it helps to bring a counsellor in to help you sort it all out.
Second, either this is a deal-breaker or you have to find a way to forgive him. If you can’t forgive him it will do incredible damage to your marriage. You said in your comment, “I really think he is sorry.” If that’s the case, you’re in a good place. If he is sorry and he is willing to adjust his behaviour then it’s going to be easier for you to forgive him. If you feel like you can’t trust him or you fear that this might happen again then it is going to be harder to forgive him. In both of those circumstances, again, the counsellor can help.
Often when we struggle to forgive someone it’s because we feel vulnerable and we withhold forgiveness as a defensive gesture, an attempt to protect ourselves. We think that if the other person knows we’re still upset with them then they won’t expect us to want to touch them, they won’t expect sex. If you’re having trouble restoring the relationship, ask yourself if there is something that you’re afraid of. Do you feel like you need to protect yourself from your husband? If so, then that’s another conversation you need to have. Trust has been broken. It CAN be repaired, but it takes careful and deliberate effort on both your parts.
Third, I think you need to take a look at why, as a couple, you chose to put yourselves in a vulnerable position by spending the weekend with friends who do things that you do not like to do. You knew what they were into before you went. It’s a bit like a teenager going to a party where there’s going to be cocaine. Going to the party does not automatically mean that you are going to do the drug. But there’s far less risk of that happening if you avoid that party in the first place. If this was a decision that the two of you made together, what was the pressure that made you go? Were you a little curious but found you did not like the reality? Was the idea of it a little exciting? Were you afraid of being considered “boring”? Are these friends of yours that you just really missed? Did you really need to get away and this was a chance to split the cost of a cabin rental? Take a look at what it was that informed your decision.
A great way to keep your marriage strong is to hang out with people who’s marriages you admire. That’s not to say that you never spend any time with friends who don’t agree with you on everything, but perhaps when the friends have very different views on sex, you don’t spend the night with them. Years ago I had a group of friends who were very into renaissance re-enactment. I really liked hanging out with them. During the day they were friendly and informative and it was wonderful to watch the dancing and sword play. At night they got very drunk, and very, let’s say “friendly”. So we made a rule in our house that any time we went to hang out with them we came home before the sun went down. We still got to enjoy their company, but we had a boundary in place to protect ourselves. You may want to consider a boundary like that with these friends of yours.
Let me end by praying for you:
Father, I thank you for Angela and her husband. Thank you for bringing them together, for uniting them under your covenant and making them a family. Thank you that in this time of stress Angela is seeking to make things right in her marriage. She is for her marriage, not looking for a way to run away from it. Thank you that You are ALWAYS for marriage as well. I pray that you would help Angela and her husband to have a loving, honest conversation about what happened. Where apologies are needed, may they be quick to speak the words. Where forgiveness is needed, may they gently extend both grace and mercy. Where changes are needed, may they be willing to bend and stand strong for their marriage. Thank you for being there with them, every step of the way. May this turn out to be a bump and not a mountain, a signpost that leads them to stronger union and a closer walk with You. Watch over them and give them grace, in your name I pray, Amen.
Hi my husband and I went away for the weekend with some friends. We were concerned because they do go to swinger clubs and do stuff that we do not do. We talked about all of this before we went and decided that we would go because we have known them for ever and we were strong enough and agreed we wanted nothing to happen. However, when we got there he agreed with them that if I wanted to I could go topless in the hot tub! Now the woman had already wore a WHITE tank top to the hot tub. He knew how I felt and I thought I knew where he stood. It is very hard to for give him. I feel like I cant go talk to anyone to save his face, but I feel like he treated me like someone he didn’t care about.I really think he is sorry and just didn’t think. I know that I do what I do in our marriage to be right with God no matter how he acts. I just don’t know how to forgive and forget this one with out time and am concerned that it will do to much damage to our marriage. I need all prayers and advice I can get…may God be with us all.
Dearest Liz,
My heart breaks as I read your message. I am so thankful that you decided to reach out for support and prayer. There are mentors available that you can correspond with regularly, and any one of us would be glad to walk with you and pray for you daily during this very difficult time. You can request a mentor through this link: http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
First, I praise the Lord that your faith is in the right place. He alone can grant you wisdom sufficient to navigate this very serious problem. Have you considered seeing a Christian counselor? Do you and your husband attend church and do you have a good relationship with your pastor? I pray that the Lord will open the right doors and very soon guide you to the right people and resources to cope with this. It will not just go away I’m afraid. Sex addicts really are slaves to the temptation, so I pray that your husband will have the courage to seek help. Pray for him earnestly, pray for yourself, ask for the wisdom of Solomon, ask for the right timing, and the right words, then let the Holy Spirit guide you what to say as you speak to him. You have a right to lovingly and gently, but firmly, tell him what you see and let him know that you want to stand by him and support him as he confronts this. I want to pray for you now:
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for Liz. Thank You that You have equipped her with all that she needs to walk through this deep, dark valley and emerge triumphant on the other side. Thank You that You are constantly with her, and You will never leave her or forsake her. Thank You that she is never facing these difficulties alone, and that You are always going ahead of her to make a way, even when there seems to be no way. I pray that the Your will will be done in Liz’s husband’s life, as in hers and in her marriage. I also pray that you would guard their hearts and their family. Satan is so eager to steal our blessings, to destroy our relationships and kill our hope, teach Liz to trample him under her feet and to boldly hold up her SHIELD OF FAITH every time an attack comes. Teach her to use her armor and her shield of faith to DEFEAT every fiery arrow the enemy shoots. Teach her to take up the sword of Your Spirit, which is Your word, and to stand in defence of her family, all for Your glory (Ephesians 6:10-20). Lord I trust and firmly declare by FAITH that it is not too late for things to be made right, for there is always hope in Jesus’ name. Thank You Father for hearing and answering these prayers in Jesus’ name. Amen.
God bless you Liz, you are dearly loved, a precious jewel in the hand of our God (see Isaiah 62). I will keep holding you and your family up in prayer.
Your sister in Christ,
Kate
I just read your comment and my heart goes out to you and your husband. I used to be a sex-addict to pornography and I can assure you that it is very oppressive and hard to fight off. Of course, I understand how disgusted you are about the whole thing but you have to understand that your husband is slave to it. If you could pray for him I would encourage you to pray to God for him with all your heart because prayer changes things because God is great. But I cannot tell if you are a praying person or not. All I can say then is keep hoping that he will change by going to a counselor or a psychiatrist. He just need help. I pray that God will listen to your prayers and to the cry of his heart. Amen! God bless you!
Hi my husband and I have been married for 5 years now and when we were earlier in our marriage he would be so rude to me and stare at other women badly he didn’t care that I was right next to him pregnant wit our first baby. We fought a lot about that, but he stopped doing that. But one thing he can’t seem to stop is his masturbating to women on TV. We can just finish having sex, I’ll jump in the shower and for whatever reason (I say it was our Lord wanting me to walk in and catch him either to help him understand that he has a sex addiction or to let me know we are not meant to be I haven’t figured which one it is yet) but I either forgot a towel or just need to tell him something and there he is masturbating to TV. He does it everywhere the bedroom, the shower, the living room its really disgusting and hurtful. One incident recently like 2 months ago our baby wanted to go to the park he told me that he wanted to stay home, and once again our Lord made it so that I walked in and saw him. His mom called me looking for him so I had to go back home to tell him and there he was acting a offensive like he always does and he did admit that he was just about to start masturbating to some hot latina with big breast. And that hurts lot cause the,women he would look at stores almost 90% of the time had big breast and I’m don’t look like that and he knows how insecure he makes me feel when he does that. I can’t even let him on the computer or my phone cause right away he looks up women. I’m really confused why all this is happening and I don’t know what to do. I’m going to be going back to college in September but how can I go to school with focus on school and not on thinking if he’s doing that or who is he doing it to today the TV girls, internet girls??? I need your help and prayers please… Its got so bad on my behalf I sometimes feel like maybe the best thing for me is to leave him, but I don’t want to…