When Your Spouse Hurts You: How to Forgive and Forget

Written by Dr. Dave Currie

sexlove_spouseforgiveForgive and forget. It’s a well-worn cliché – one that is easier to say than to practice.

If you’re married, you’ve been there. Your spouse has said or done something that has wounded you. It may be something small, or it may be a major betrayal. Either way, your pride screams at you to take revenge. If you don’t strike back immediately, you at least want to keep this “guilt card” in your pocket, to be pulled out at a later date: “Oh yeah, well what about the time when you….”

Is Your Husband Watching Porn? Read “Hardcore Betrayal.”

When we’ve been offended, the last thing we want to do is to let it go. And yet, if our desire is to have a healthy, lasting marriage, that is exactly what we’ve got to do. Here are seven suggestions to keep in mind when your spouse lets you down:

  1. Don’t start without your spouse
    If you need to talk to your spouse about something, don’t just corner them and launch in unexpectedly. That is a recipe for hostility. Instead, agree together on a time to discuss the issue. That gives each of you a chance to think about it in advance, which will result in a more productive discussion than if one partner simply lambastes the unsuspecting “offender”.
  2. Handle negative emotions responsibly
    When we react emotionally, we often say and do things that we later regret. In many cases, it is best to delay the discussion until you’ve settled down, gained a proper perspective, and prayed about your attitude. This will allow you to go into it looking for a solution, rather than just being consumed with your own hurt.As partners, you need to respect each other’s need to “take five”. If your spouse needs to wait a few minutes, or even a day or two, to cool down, don’t press the issue. This should not be used as an excuse to avoid the discussion entirely, but it is better to take some time to clear your head than to allow your emotions to take you somewhere that you don’t want to go.
  3. Deal with one issue at a time
    Remember that “guilt card” we mentioned earlier? Once you’re into the discussion, you will be tempted to pull it out. Soon, your conversation has deteriorated into a long list of offenses, as you try to outdo one another with everything that the other person has ever done wrong.  This only intensifies the conflict and deepens the divide between you. It can also be overwhelming to be presented with a massive list of things that need to change. Instead of being motivating, it’s discouraging.Instead, be content to solve one problem at a time. It is much better to make serious headway in one area of your relationship than to simply rehearse everything that needs fixing.
  4. Be clear about your perspective
    Give each other some uninterrupted time to share your concerns. If you are just trading barbs back and forth, neither of you will really be hearing the other – you’ll be too busy thinking about your next comeback.When it is your time to talk, try to help your mate understand your hurt or frustration. Help them to see why their actions and words had the impact that they did. Likewise, the offending spouse should have the opportunity to explain their words or behaviour. It could be that you have misinterpreted their motives, and when this is cleared up it goes along way towards solving the problem.
  5. Hold your relationship more dear than this issue
    Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our feelings or our “rights” that we lose sight of the bigger picture. People joke about marriages breaking up over toothpaste and toilet paper disputes, but it really happens! Remember that your relationship is the primary concern. You may have some issues to sort out, but you still love one another – and loving one another often means letting the other person be right.
  6. Walk in an attitude of forgiveness
    If you are going to live with this person for the next 20…30…50 years, you are going to have to forgive one another manytimes. You cannot afford to not forgive. Unforgiveness does not only hurt your spouse, it hurts you! As Corrie Ten Boom said, “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”This brings us back to the issue of forgiving and forgetting. In truth, there are some hurts that you will never be able to forget. What is more important is that we choose to let it go. Proverbs 17:9 says, “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Forgiveness entails giving up your right to punish your spouse – whether through direct retaliation or just letting bitterness fester.Over the past year, I have discovered the value of “advance forgiveness”. I make a conscious decision that, the next time my wife Donalyn offends me, I am going to forgive her. Then, when it happens, I remember that I have already decided to forgive her, so there is no point in making a big deal out of it now. This really helps to take my critical edge off.
  7. Forgive as Christ forgave you – Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each another and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”And just how does the Lord forgive us? Fully. Unconditionally. Willingly. Time and time again.This kind of forgiveness is supernatural; it is more than we can do on our own. Particularly if your spouse has betrayed you in a major way, you may need to ask God for the ability to let go of the hurt and forgive them from your heart. But as you trust God to give you His strength and love, He will help you to forgive…even when your spouse has really let you down.

If you have never experienced God’s complete, unconditional forgiveness, know this: God loves you deeply. There is no sin that is so great that He is unwilling to forgive you, if you would just come to Him. If this is the desire of your heart, pray this prayer:

Dear God, I need You in my marriage, and in my life. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life, and that I cannot go on any further without Your help and guidance – and above all, Your forgiveness. I thank You for sending Your Son Jesus to die on the cross to pay for my sins. I now accept that sacrifice and invite Jesus to take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and empower me to live the life You have called me to. Thank You for forgiving me. Amen.


378 Responses to “When Your Spouse Hurts You: How to Forgive and Forget”

  • Aldo says:

    Michelle, I am sorry to hear about your predicament. I am also sorry to say that many Christians (both men and women) find themselves in the same situation, because they did not heed the Word of God which says in 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” All to often we end up paying the consequences of our disobedience.

    But, God is a forgiving God. And if we are truly trying to walk in His precepts, and petition Him, He will hear and answer our prayer. Let’s pray:

    Father God, You know and have heard the cry of Michelle’s heart regarding her marriage. Lord we know, according to Your Word in Malachi 2:16, that You hate divorce, so we ask that You would intervene on her behalf, and draw her husband to Jesus by Your Holy Spirit so that they both can walk together in agreement. Lord, grant Michelle the realization that forgiveness is an act of the will, just as love is an act of the will, and give her the strength and fortitude to forgive her husband, in Jesus Name we pray and agree. Amen.

  • Michelle says:

    A few days ago I found out that my husband cheated on me with a prostitute. I went silent and prayed unto God to take over as it was too much to bear. God has guided my thoughts, words and deeds. My husband initially denied his actions and with God on my side, he confessed. I forgave him but the hurt is still there and the trust I felt secure in is gone. How do I forgive fully and build on my marriage? My husband is not a praying man and I always felt that my faith and belief is for both of us until he seeks Jesus on his own. I ask that you please pray with me to restore my marriage and to bring my husband to the Lord.

  • Tom Tom says:

    Sara D—
    Isn’t it interesting that relationships have so much power to bring joy into our lives, but at the same time have such power to bring severe hurts as well. God made us as relational creatures, both for relationships with others and also with him. But isn’t it typical that we usually spend more time trying to cultivate relationships with others first, while leaving our relationship with God to take second or third place. We all too often ask him to help us out of the messes we make instead of allowing him to keep us from falling into the messes in the first place! I know I often do.

    You used the word “spouse” in your second post. Are you meaning that your current relationship is actually a current marriage? I’m not clear on that. Maybe you could clarify.

    Let me ask you again what you think might be the reason you seem to have relationships where you are the giver and the other person just seems to take?

  • Sara D says:

    Thank you for responding .. yes I seek the Lord and often ask for his hand in helping me through things as well as thanking him for the blessings I do have in my life . I however do not know why every relationship I e ever had turns out the way that it does . I go into a relationship ship with the self assurance and give myself completely to the relationship.Only to be hurt,lied to,over and over again..I do realise that people make mistakes and that relationships aren’t ever perfect . But if your spouse is constintly not accountable for their actions and leave you to deal with the consiquences of his actions. How is that fair to me to carry around this hurt ? I want to forgive so I can move on ,for me not for him.

  • Tom Tom says:

    Sara D–

    Be assured that in God’s eyes, you are certainly not worthless. He made you for a purpose and has a plan for your life. May I ask if you have ever sought God in any way?

    You say that you’ve had a succession of bad relationships with guys repeatedly hurting you. Why do you think that’s the case? Do you have any ideas why this pattern keeps repeating itself?

  • Sara D says:

    I want to forgive my bf of him being unfaithful to me .. I just don’t know how . I’ve been hurt time and time again.Not just by him but previous ex’s..I for some reason just keep carrying around this hurt ..and ways about my current situation. After months of thinking this guy was perfect things started to seem different he was being sneaky and lieing to me . One day I looked in his phone ,there were text messages back and fourth to this person about them having sex again and my bf stating that he has a gf but that they would have sex again , promising !.. sitting there mad and so full of hurt tears running down my face because he did the one thing he told me he’d never do.I did the only thing I could think of at the time which was to text that person and and without being rude I simply asked that she not contact him again . That’s when I got smacked with even more pain..She responded only it wasn’t a female at all . It was another man.I did talk to my bf about the texting and he said he was sorry and that it would never happen again. He deleted the messages and deleted the number supposibly. But here’s the thing that gets me also he wants me to pretend like it never happened . 3 days after the incident he said he doesn’t want to hear it anymore , he has enough stress in his life and doesn’t need the stress of this as well. He doesn’t understand why I can’t just get over it .,I have insecurities because of this and ask him often who he’s talking to .Last night he yelled at me for being insecure and doesn’t understand why I don’t trust him .keeps telling me to let it go or leave because he isn’t going to keep hearing about this or anything I have to say…. I am so afraid at this point to say anything at all ,because he makes me feel like I’m worthless

  • Lilly says:

    My boyfriend and I got into a huge argument this past labor day weekend. After a night of drinks we came home and he started to argue about a comment my best friend made about my ex-husband. He was very upset I had never mentioned this to him and I assured him I did and asked what was the big deal. I was married. So I ignored his frustration and anger until he started to bring the subject. I left the house because I wanted to avoid an argument. So when I finally decided to come back 20 later, he got all in my face and pushed me and shoved telling me ugly things. I don’t know what came over me and I got so full of rage I taunted him to continue to go crazy since I knew my oldest daughter was watching from the window. I felt I was a bomb that exploded from so much anger I had inside me from a month ago when he slapped me for no reason. He was drunk and slapped me for no reason. I immediately forgave after that. So when this happened I still wasn’t over the fact that he had hit me. So in the middle of this argument we walk inside my house and I insulted him in front of my kids and his child which I tremendously regret. Now he’s asking for some space which could be anything. I don’t believe anyone in a committed, serious relationship should take a break/space. Granted I think one should be able to cool off but space to me seems as if our relationship will no longer be. I’ve agreed to this space. I’ve asked God and my boyfriend for forgiveness but I’m truly saddened that he will probably not want to have anything to do with me. I Believe everyone deserves a second chance. Everyone is capable of making a mistake. I’m far from perfect and would like to have the relationship I’ve once had. We hardly ever argue, we get along great. But I’m afraid I might hace lost him for good. Please share your advice.

  • Eny says:

    I have made my marriage stumble. I have lost the sight of what’s right, and I have sin. I cheated on my husband after 9years of marriage, just out of spite, because he wanted to enter a life of swinger and I just couldn’t be apart of that and I got tired of hearing it. But a lot of times I would bring up the conversation to see if he still thought about it. Many times I told him that’s not mine kind of life style I still believed in God and I wouldn’t see my self ever doing that. But I whent and did something even worse. I love my husband he is good to me and our children’s. I want to work things out but his not ready to come home and work on our relationship. He said he will go to counseling but his not ready to come home he still have that hurt on him. I lost sight of who I really am I always crucified a cheater and today I’m that person. I have tried to take my life for that and many other reasons. I’m still recovering from my actions, embarrassment, and remorse. I just can’t let things go and Everything I do it’s just making things worst. I’m lost I have ask the lord to take control of my life because I’m not strong enough without him.

  • Shella says:

    Good day! My husband is a very frank person. Often tells whatever in his heart. That even if it will hurt you he would still say it in front of you. He works abroad and go home after 9 months. The most hurting words that he said was just few days ago when i shouted to him over the phone about something that for me is should not be done as his decision. We did not ended good because he was in a middle of his party with friends. Until i read his message to me that i dont have the right to shout because at first i am not a virgin when we were married. I was just so hurt. That i did not let him know because it would only add problem to un resolve issue about something. So, in short after 18 years of marriage that issue is not yet resolve. That actually he is the first man i had sex with in my entire life. But he wont believe me because i did not bleed during our first night. So he just concluded i am not a virgin. When he would ask at first i immediately explain to him that it was my first but would not believe because i did not bleed. So the 2nd and 3rd time he ask i did not answer him because i know still he wont believe me. Now, after the 18 yeats of marriage it was open again in that manner. But we did not talk about it now after the call. But still i am hurt. Thank you for listening! God bless you

  • Sharon says:

    to Sylvia prayer-father God I do pray right now for Sylvia. I pray comfort for her. that is tough I feel for you I have a sister in law who tells people not the truth. I thought I had forgiven her but I still carried the hurt from her then recently God help me to let it go. maybe ask God if you have truly forgiven them and then maybe if you can let them go in your heart and mind. I am not sure I will get an apology from my sister in law but its me that has to forgive and let go I know this is not the same. if your niece and husband think no big deal ask God for strength to forgive them truly that is a hurt hard to let go I am sure I am praying that you can truly forgive them and maybe let it go. God eb with you– sharon

  • Sylvia says:

    My husband had an affair for well over 2yrs with my niece. They both act as if it was nothing,as a matter of fact they seemed to be not the least bit remorseful,all awhile I was crushed.It have been 3 yrs and I still carry the pain in my heart. I’ve prayed and I have forgave them. But why do my heart feel the same, partially because I never even got a heartfelt apology. Or is that I have not truthfully forgiven them.

  • Sharon says:

    to Lola my heart hurts for you I can’t imagine having a spouse cheat on me then want forgiveness and prayer. may God give you wisdom and guidance on this. have you considered marriage counseling if you have I was just asking. I am praying for you sharon

  • Lola says:

    It came as a rude shock, when my husband confessed that he has been unfaithful….though he’s been working in another state since our marriage of about seven years.Now he wants my forgiveness and prayer…this has been very difficult because I feel so hurt, betrayed and disrespected. I still find myself thinking seriously about it…I’m not sure he would not go back so such act since we still don’t live together

  • Chris says:

    orbille….your wife will need to repent of this of course and come clean from it. that would be the first step in your marriage being restored. praying that your wife will leave off the unfaithfulness to you and to jesus!

  • Chris says:

    Gina…praying for you and your husband that he would have a repentant heart about this
    and come to jesus for his own good and jesus glory!

  • Gina says:

    My husband abandoned me and his marriage.He and the other woman live together. I’m so very hurt, the pain is unbearable! My husband betrayed me in the worse way. He acts as though I caused everything, he is totally disrespecting me. I need prayers for marriage. Help Father bring healing into my marriage. Restore our us, restore in us a clean heart. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

  • Orbille says:

    Hi, all I’m just surfing the internet just to find answers and correct decision to make. I and my wife got married 3 years ago and everything works will, meanwhile, I caught my wife cheating on me and it brokes everything, I’m a Christian and I want to forgive my wife. I need some help and advice to make things on a right way. Thank you

  • David says:


    Based on your statements it definitely appears like your husband is struggling with an alcohol addiction of the alcohol abuser type (type that may not drink for weeks or months, but loses all control once they start to drink).

    I am no doctor or counsellor but my suggestion is that if your husband can address his alcoholism there is hope.

    So much of his other behaviors are revolving around his relationship to alcohol at this point. The sad thing is for most alcoholics, there is an unwillingness to face it. This is based primarily on fear and guilt. And often, something terrible or humiliating has to happen in order to help the individual.

    I also suggest alanon for you.

    May you be blessed and I hope you are able to find a solution.

  • khanyie says:

    Thanks David ,yes he is such kind of a person who can spend weeks without drinking ,or even a month. But if and when he do drink, he can drink the whole day or weekend so maybe thats how his loosing control or whatever the reason is as your indicating.He keeps sending emails ,calls and messages insisting that his not in a relationship with the women ,he is ashamed and not proud of what happened, though he still cannot explain how she happened to be in his car .The women that night also mentioned that its not how it seems ,but i was too angry to talk or listen to her .ijust told her to get out of the car and leave .Though is difficult Ill try to have a discussion with him with regards to his drinking maybe there is something behind it .Thanks once again

  • David says:

    Khanyie –

    As a recovered alcoholic, I would be curious to know about your husband’s drinking habits generally.

    You stated that your husband “could still not explain how he happened to be with that women…” Now, he could be lying and/or avoiding telling you the truth.

    Another possibility is that your husband may be struggling with alcoholism and if this is so, I suggest that there may be some truth to what you husband is saying. Specifically, that he may not know how he ended up the way he did that night.

    Is it possible that your husband that your husband struggles with alcohol abuse? These individuals may not drink every day or even every week. But if and when they do drink, they frequently lose all control of there drinking once they have started. And after a certain amount of alcohol has been consumed, they often experience (and I am sure you have heard of these) “black outs”.

    During this state, these individuals are functioning and can say and do things but with no memory of it whatsoever. They may make dangerous and antisocial choices, but these choices are impaired choices.

    Obviously I don’t know what the situation with the women in the car is and I am certainly not excusing your husband’s behavior. But I humbly suggest that discussion about his drinking may be helpful in finding a solution or at least an answer.

    And, Lord willing, this may pave the way for recovery and forgiveness.

  • khanyie says:

    Am glad i happen to read adn notes similar situations inthis page .Am still hurt ,my husband of 4years is actually not honest and his cheating .The way i found out was like he left the house eraly morning to work and i went to work and i went to work as well.I waited for him to come home ,until it was 2:am mid morning .I woke up and looked through the window ,i was suprised to see his car outside the gate,I panicked and with love i went out to check on him ,and i was shocked to find that was drunk ,sleeping and there was another women inside the car ,I almost broke that car ,and he wewnt out of the car saying ,its not what it looks ,the women is not his girlfriend and all those thngs.But he still canno explain how he happened to be with that women inside that car and at that time fo the day .it is a terrible thing ever happened in my life ,am hurting inside and he is now asking for forginess.How do i forgive him..Please help me

  • Tom Tom says:

    Sorry to hear about your situation, but it’s a blessing you found out now rather than after marriage.

    A few things:
    Are you a born again Christian?
    Does your boyfriend profess to be a Christian?
    If one of you isn’t a Christian, then dating and marriage should not take place regardless.

    In any event, it’s time to step back completely from marriage to this man because it’s obvious he is not ready to make a life-long covenant with you. If you are both Christians, then you still need to put marriage out of the picture until he has shown completely that he can be trusted.

  • milimo says:

    Am engaged to the man of my dreams.we plan on getting married next year. Visited him two weeks ago only to discover that he has been cheating on me.I asked him at first he refused and said they were just friends. But I couldn’t take it anymore and told him we would have to part ways. He then accepted saying they only had a fling which was there for only a month. And he has been asking for forgiveness. How do I forgive him?I trusted him so much.and how do I deal with this situation for me to be convinced that what his telling me of them not being together anymore is true?

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Tommy, Thanks for your willingness to share your pain with us here. I can understand your hurt and the difficulty you are having at forgiving.

    I can see that you have done a lot to express your love for her in the time that you have been together, and I commend you for your willingness to sacrifice in order to serve her. But if you are expecting something in return, is it really a sacrifice? When you write, “I can’t believe she did what she did after all the sacrifices from me for her” your words suggest that you expect certain things from her because of the way you sacrificed. I know that kind of thinking is easy to slip into, but I would suggest that it is going to make a bad situation worse, and make reconciliation more difficult.

    I agree that having a man in the house when you were not home could potentially be harmful, and when you communicated that to her, she should have realized your concern and been willing to discuss the issue. It sounds to me like you guys have not been able to develop a healthy pattern of conflict resolution that focusses on understanding one another. Otherwise, she would have heard the concern in your response to her decision and would have been willing to talk about where that comes from and why she sees things differently.

    Let me encourage you to find a marriage counselor who can help the two of you find ways of communicating that builds strength in your marriage. You mentioned that you have been praying about the hurt you feel; are you involved in a church where you could talk to your pastor about the struggles you are having? That can be a great way to get some help on an emotional and spiritual level.

    Let me pray for you: Dear Jesus, I pray for Tommy, his wife and their family. They have been going through some really challenging times right now and have come to the end of their own ability to find a solution. But I know that You are the master at taking the messes we make of our lives and turning them into a miracle. I pray that You would do a miracle in Tommy’s marriage and help the two of them to find ways of understanding and caring for one another again. Soften Tommy’s heart so that he is able to forgive his wife even though she has hurt him so deeply. I pray that You would guide Tommy to a person who can help guide their healing process, and that You would supernaturally draw both of them into a closer bond of love and care for one another. Amen.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Mario, It is very common for couples to have different expectations of what affection is needed within a marriage, and can create a lot of conflict. The key to dealing with different expectations is to talk through in an open way, focusing on understanding the other’s perspective. The better you can understand your wife’s affection needs the better able you will be to invest yourself in serving her needs. The earlier in your marriage you can develop healthy communication patterns about misaligned expectations the better equipped you will be to build love and respect for one another rather than laying a foundation of bitterness, and frustration. That’s why a marriage counselor can be so helpful because they are trained to equip you with communication tools and can help deal with unhealthy pattern before they become firmly entrenched in your relationship.

    Did you guys go through premarital counselling? Do you have someone in your life that you could meet with who could help with that?

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Sandy, I am sorry to hear about the breakdown of your marriage. I am sure there is much greater detail to the way that you have come to the decision to say, “Enough”. Have you and your husband considered meeting with a marriage counselor? It can be very helpful to have someone’s objective perspective help guide the two of you to a better understanding of one another and development of healthy communications patterns.

    I know marriage is difficult and often one of the most hurtful relationships in our life, because it is the relationship that we invest the most of ourselves into. In my marriage there have been times when I have felt utterly hopeless, but I have found that my relationship with Jesus has helped bring hope and healing to our love. He helps me to find a strength to continue on far beyond my own willingness to sacrifice. He also works on me to show what things I need to change in order to better love my spouse. Have you ever experienced Jesus’ help in your life?

  • Tommy,C says:

    Hi,I met a wonderful woman in 2014.After being a single dad for the last 5 years before that,I felt I was ready to date,so I did.
    I was a single father,of 8yr old son.She was a widow for the last 8yrs,with 3 grown kids.20/18/17.all young men.
    During the first year alot had taken place,she had an epileptic attack,and suffered loss of use of whole left sid.this happend win the first month of the relationship.
    Working full time,and ND taking care of my son,I decided to help her,any way I could…..around the 5/6 month mark,I noticed she was not getting to much help from her kids,none at all to be honest.I learned this from visiting her at home during the week,and,weekends.
    She couldn’t walk,or use her left arm or hand.
    After all the appointments, testing,therapy. ..she made some progress.
    With all that said ….she was about to loose her shoes term disability insurance….around the one year mark.
    I did love her,and she said she loved me too…..
    After dishing out cash for her meds ,a few months …alot of money……..
    I did ask her to be my wife…..but ,things happend that we did not see coming. …so we married one year earlier than planned…
    One year relationship. …into a marriage…I did move in about 7 months before getting married…..I did felt she needed me at home with her ,due to the lack of help she had been getting from her 3 kids……NO help at all.
    So now,my wife who was disabled,her 3 kids..myself with my son 8…..
    We had issues….we had arguments..about many diffrent things….mainly was me omplaining about the lack of help the her kids contributed, 2/ working full time with good careers. ..one full time studant….
    They are now all on my health insurance Witch was not part of our plan that had been discussed prior.
    She had done things that I feel any married woman wouldn’t do.I was at work one day….she was the only one home,and invited a man friend over the house.I did not know this man.and we were newly married….
    I felt totally disrespected,my wife did not even inform me ,she was meeting with him…I was very hurt,disappointed, disrespected,and dishonord….ands her husband.
    I explained that I was not because he came over,but ,because you didn’t consider how it wold effect me…
    She still didn’t think I had a write to be upset……
    How can I forgive my wife…who feels she has done nothing wrong.
    I loved this woman with all my heart.and,I don’t drink,do anything at all to create doubt,I work hard at work ,and at her home cooking,cleaning,maintance,inside.out.laundry..food shop everything…since her accident. …help from nobody….
    She did other things….lied …took money from me for bills and paid a bankruptcy lawyer without talking to me about it…..her bankruptcy. …
    WE had an argument.on 6/17/16….she told me.to pack up my sh… and get the f… out. With my 10 yr old son.nowing very well all my finances have gone too providing for all 6 of us in the home…..inside have nothing……..
    I brought my son to family. ….during summer months.him and I have never been apart….I am his only living parent…..How can a widow woman of 3/ boys do what she did nowing my story..??.
    I feel she has totally deceived me,and has only used me.We are seperated..andt the time..she says she does not want a divorce…IT’S BEEN A MONTH
    I want to,but…I cant..? Because I just can’t beleive she did what she did.after all the sacrifices from me for her.
    I even at times put her before my son
    I JUST CAN’T FORGIVE HER……AND SHE IS ASKING ME TOO,.how can I trust her….m her decision was a blink of an eye…never talked about.mnever mentioned at all.she never ever told me she wS unhappy…all rights ever her was how lu KY she is ,all ND how God had put us together.
    I still don’t get it. …..
    All know is….I have never been so hurt in my life…
    I prey…prey..all did prey more.for God to help ease my pain and allow me to be forgiving…..
    I am.truly the prisoner of my own unforgiving heart…

  • Mario Orellana says:

    Hi my name is Mario and I have been married to my wife Sandra for a year I love her so deeply she is my everything we get along blissfully we do for each other in everyway hour problem is she is not very affectionate toward me and it hurt me she tells me she not use to a man who is so loving towards her I talk to her but it not working please call you help me

  • Sandy says:

    I appreciate your advise. But isn’t there always a point where you are going to say “Wait” I am putting my own feelings aside…over and over until you cant any longer? What if in a long line of dealing with a difficult spouse your love for yourself supersedes the forgiveness.?

    My husbands father died unexpectedly and when he died I had just had surgery 2 days before, a month later when the husband was taking care of funeral prep he basically said “I don’t care about you”… but then followed with you “need to help me”… For two years now I have basically been my own best friend, not his, and just waiting for the day to say I have had enough. Today is the day. Today though he said I have been holding that grudge unhealthily and there for holding it over his head. I have however been civil.
    I told him we have to talk about divorce now. Things are getting bad now.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Tony, I can imagine how you feel like things have just gone from bad to worse so quickly and that your whole life is slipping away from your control. Did you find anything in Dr Currie’s article that you thought would be something that you could change about the way you and your wife respond to each other? I have found that I can get caught up in all the ways that my wife hurts me, and be blinded to the ways that I have hurt her. That is a recipe for great conflict because we both feel justified in our anger and neither of us budges.

    I have also found that Jesus helps my wife and I respond to each other better. He is a master at loving other people even when they have been hurtful, and when I listen to His leading in my life, and follow His example I have found that He changes my heart to become more like His. I don’t know what your experience with Jesus has been, but it is amazing the way that He helps. Here is a video of a couple who went through the challenge of an affair and divorce, but how Jesus helped to heal their marriage and their love for one another http://powertochange.com/iamsecond/the-scruggs/ Let me know what you think.

  • Tony says:

    I’m desperate to talk to someone. I met my now wife back in 2001 but at the time I was dating someone else, I fell I love with her at first sight but after 6 months I have to end it because I new it wasn’t right. In 2003 I married the girl I was with but I knew I had made the wrong choice. In 2007 I got divorced which wasn’t very pleasant luckily no children but by then lots of debts. In 2008 I met my now wife again and the love was still there with both of us and after 3 months I moved in with her, by this time she had purchase 2 flats one in 2003 and one in 2007 and we lived in one. I did sign a prenup do to the fact we were new in the relationship and I agreed that she needed to protect what she had. I paid half of all the bills, food etc and at the time rent. I 2010 we got married and started making plans for a family, our first child was born February 14 the following year and it was the happiest time of my life seeing him for the first time. She paid for the first 6 months half of the bill etc but then I took it all over and she stayed home for two reasons one the be with baby and two her dad has prostate cancer and I though she should spent as much time with his she can. 2014 our second gem had arrived and we quickly realised the a two bedroom flat was to small. Somehow it was decided by someone that I needed to safe 50k for a deposit on top of paying everything. This never stopped her going out or treating her mum to trips to Rome on her birth day and concerts for dad on birthdays 75 each for the boys on every occasion. I ended up begging work for more overtime forcing them to change the policy for me to use the company van for personal use because I could not have my own car. The wife went out and spent 10k on a car which for the first 3 year I was not allowed to drive. I was completely exhausted at work to the point the health and safety stopped me doing to much hours for my on sake. In 12 months I manage to save 12 k but I knew the I could not continue at this rate to reach 50 k meanwhile house prices are going up and my dream getting further away. By now my wife barely touches me because I’m clearly not a good husband and this causes untold arguments. So I decided to try and boost my 12 k by buying cars to sell and I loose almost half of it. She take my card away alone with my bank statement payslips and pride meanwhile I do not know anything about her financially nothing at all. I was give 20 each week to spend and if I spent more I was made to feel like scum. I dealt with it but we argued she would still go out weekend and brag about it on Facebook. Last year she changed her pin on her mobile and was very protective of it. Two weeks ago she left her phone behind unlocked and when I looked at it found she had been swapping romantic messages with one of her ex boyfriends. I left for two days but I went back and I said I would forgive her but I could not be treated like a financial slave anymore we needed to sell the flats which probably now have approx 150k equity and use that for the deposit only to be told that both flats are hers not mine. Friday the 13 last month was the day we had a big argument about it and was told she would pay me to leave to protect her equity I pushed her away from me because she was so close to my face cursing but she fell over and bruised her arm she called the police and now I’m due in court for domestic violence with bail unable to contact her and only see my children once a week. Iv heard she want to try and work it out after the court case but I need to face the fact the I hurt her infringement of the children even thought it was self defence and the injury unintentional. How do I forgive her for treating me like this for all these years. I love her but I’m I’m hurting so bad.

  • Elkay says:

    Mimi, I am so sorry this happened to you and to your sister! Obviously your husband’s behavior is totally unacceptable and has to be addressed. Marriage is a sacred institution created by God to honor Himself and God-honoring sexual relations of any type are only between a married man and woman. Your husband is sinning against you and in the eyes of God in attempting to have sex outside of marriage.

    You must confront your husband with what you know and insist that he stop all attempts at sexual relations with other women. He is playing with fire and must stop before several people, including himself, get badly burned.

    This is not going to be a “walk down easy street”. So because this will be difficult, start by trying to understand where he’s coming from on this. Reassure him of your love and commitment to him, and then have the courage to ask clarifying questions. Ask him why he is attracted to other women. What does he enjoy about this? Does he do this with other women? Ask your husband what needs he has that your marriage does nor meet. The truth is, this behavior could be a sign of other issues: his dissatisfaction with you and the marriage, a problem with pornography, or fantasies about being with other women. Hopefully this is not the case with your husband, but it is better to address it now than to wish you had later.

    On a positive note, there are also some steps you can take individually or as a couple to reduce the temptations for your husband going forward. Work together to ensure that you have a regular and mutually-fulfilling sex life. Meet one another’s needs so that neither one of you is tempted to have them met elsewhere. You probably need some help going through this and we have trusted mentors who are freely available to come alongside you and support and pray with you. So please consider hitting the “Talk to a Mentor” button on this page, briefly describe what you are going through and someone will reply in confidence by email.

    May I pray? , “Abba Father, You created marriage as a sacred institution so that man and woman could bind together, become one in Your eyes, reflect Your image and worship You. Please make Mimi’s husband know that marriage is a decision to be committed to one another no matter what, and from that commitment, may unselfish love again flow between them. May they minimize each other’s weaknesses, praise and magnify each other’s points of beauty and strength, and again see each other through a lover’s kind and patient eyes. We ask for this in the powerful name of Jesus. Amen.”

  • MIMI says:

    My husband attempted to sleep with my younger sister and i feeling that he does not worth to be with. please advise

  • Theresa says:

    Unforgiveness is a weapon that hurts the person who carries it. It seeps deep into their soul infesting their words, actions, and body language. The more quickly we can forgive the faster we will get to healing. The hurt may not go away right away, but it will get better. If you want to learn about my journey to forgiveness, you can read is here: http://wp.me/p4Xa3y-6l

  • James37 says:

    As a man who has been hurt in this kind of situation I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt how to get through this. first you have to own what happened with no excuses and no blaming. the next step is that you have to be willing to endure and fight for him. 2Chronicles 34 speaks on Josiah was king who purged his land got rid of everything that was against God. purge your lands and remove all that could be a stumbling block. Lastly fight for his heart and love him with no expectations. stay humble and hungry for God word and healing but no matter what he does fight for him. He is hurt and needs to heal.

  • Chris says:

    melody cullivan….so sorry to hear you are struggling…Jesus told us in Luke 7 that when people love and forgive little its because they dont realize how much God has forgiven them as well. when a hard heart manifests towards someone else, that person needs a revelation of just how much Gods mercy has been on display in their lives without them apparently knowing it. we cannot produce gratitude in a persons heart from Jesus death for them but we can on our own be the grateful and thankful person jesus wants us to be. to start your own personal and wonderful relationship with jesus, log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above. that way your husband will be able to see your new life in christ and hopefully want one as well. you can also show him how serious you are about change by eliminating your social network accounts and handing him over your electronic devices if need be. once you begin walking with jesus, you will want to share him with all you can and be able to use your time wisely to win others to jesus also. praying you will today!

  • Jon Koegle says:

    Melody… The beauty of showing hospitality and being transparent. Having a heart that cares for others before doing things… all in all, if you truly asked for forgiveness in regards to the husband situation, then it’s something inside him. The best way to show Him that your real and that you have changed is by in and through action… Pure Love is giving and expecting nothing in return. I encourage you to pray for Him, I will to and allow God to be in the midst of this situation. I have experienced breakthroughs in my own life when I allow God to be in the midst of situations, I just don’t understand – yet there must be a peace about it. If we ourselves are not at peace, then only God’s truth can replace the lies we believe.

  • Melody Cullivan says:

    How do I get my husband to forgive me for things that I’ve done in the past that he just can’t let go I did something real stupid by posting things on Facebook that should have been on Facebook and I hurted him very bad now he wants to walk out of this marriage of 18 years I told him I’m sorry and I asked him for forgiveness but I don’t know if He has forgiven me he said that its nothing he’s not trying to fight but our marriage because I’m a go back to the same way but how do I show him that I’ve changed I’m not the same person that I used to be I feel bad for him and the kids over the past couple of years I’m doing everything for everybody and not doing what I’m supposed to do as a wife can someone please help me

  • Elkay says:

    Cristina, you did not describe your relationship with Jesus so it is hard to give the “right advice”. You say this man in your past has gone back to Church to find God and that is also your best path forward. Before you can truly forgive yourself (and him), you need to know that you too are forgiven and it is only by knowing and trusting Jesus’ sacrifice for your sins that this can happen.

    Acts 2:38 tells us to repent (change our lifestyle and beliefs to be in accord with Scripture) and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ (your public confession and sign that He is Lord) and you will receive the Holy Spirit (be spiritually re-birthed). At that point, you are forgiven your sins and are adopted into the family of God and can be freed from mental self-abuse knowing that you are one of God’s special people destined to proclaim His praises (1 Peter 2:9). With the strength of God at your hand, you may forgive your daughter’s father and yourself and get on with a life of love towards God and service towards mankind.

    Christianity may be new to you so please consider hitting the “Talk To A Mentor” button at the top of this article and get into a private (and free) email conversation with a trained and trusted mentor who can help you along this journey.

    I pray, “Abba Father, Cristina may well be at a crossroads in her life and is unsure how to go forward. Please encourage her to get into a conversation with a mentor who can help her get into a Christ-following relationship with You. She also needs guidance in her ongoing life and we ask that Your Spirit strongly lead her as an adopted daughter along a path that pleases You. This is our prayer in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

  • Cristina says:

    Hello. I have been with my daughter father for on and off for about 8 years. We have a beautiful daughter whome is 7 . I been lied to . cheated on. Disrespected ..cursed at etc etc. We meet when I was 17 . now I am 26 . even when we were not together we always were kinda talking. I found out he’s slept with multiple of women since we haven’t been together . ( haven’t been together for prib one year . again on and off ) so I feel in some way he has cheated on me. When I confront him he always Denys it . lately he’s been going back to church to search for God again. I been so hurt torn into peices .. I always bring up the past .. I am so so hurt and for some reason I still stick around . I want to just let go of the past . I want to forgive him . and I don’t just want to fogve him for him I want to do it alone so I can move on with my self if its with him or anyone else. I can not be happy if I still beat my self up mentally. Any word of advice ? Please.

  • Sharon says:

    to Tanya– prayer–father God I pray for Tanya right now for comfort of her hurt she got from her husband dancing with another lady I pray for healing from this God wrap your arms around her at this time I pray for forgiveness and reconciliation from this and help her forgive him and forget this I pray all of this in JESUS name amen. I am praying for you both and for a miracle for your marriage that you can get past this and not fight anymore– sharon

  • Tanya says:

    My Husband was a best man, at a wedding on saturday, they made a game, and he won with a friend where they had to dance to for another lady. I was a little uncomfortable and hurt about it! my husband being shy, went up and danced, and thought nothing wrong with the whole situation. because he did not touch her or anything! but for me it was disrespectful and made me feel like he did not consider my feelings when doing that! I do not know how to let this go! as it has hurt me, and also made us fight about it! where he then he told me , he does not want another child with me! and regrets saying that! what’s done is done! but I am still feeling extremely hurt and emotional about the whole thing.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Callie, you do not have to endure your husband’s violence. He needs to get help to overcome that cruel nature. Have you ever reported his actions to law enforcement? Is that something you have talked over with the rest of the family?

  • Callie says:

    My husband did not try choking me. He came home from rehab after relearning how to walk when MRSA caused his spinal cord to be crushed. He decided he had enough of my refusing sex for decades before, for breaking a number of promises about being the wife he expected. He picked a evening he knew was going to cause the maximum problem for his father, and mother and their friends, and he raped me when I was supposed to go with them to an event that evening. It was invitation only and my husband made sure he was not happy about me going on the arm of his fathers best friend. He’s been angry because of not letting him have vacations that others needed more than he needed them. He refused to accept any one had any say in deciding any thing he was to do In 2009 he was standing over me in the airport so angry because I let his father have his boarding pass to g to Europe and it was turned over to a young couple as a wedding gift. and my husband had to go to work again.
    That time he was going to not let me go. He said He had not had a vacation at that time since 1978. I thought he was going to kick all of us in the teeth. When I came home two weeks later he refused to pick us up at the airport. I came home to the accounts cleaned out and the locks changed. We had to have an APB issued to get him to come home. He actually was trying to get a disciplinary leave because it had been three decades since he was on vacation. Everyone felt his reaction was childish and really unneeded. Then the day he decided that he wanted me to call the police and have them place him under arrest for forcing his marital rights, he threatened to put my journals of 33 years and his logs for the same period, He wanted to get everything in them bought public to cause me and his family the Maximum embarrassment possible. All because we tried making him look like the better person for giving up his time for others needs. He uses his fists for any body laying there hands on him not being friendly and his combat training makes him to dangerous to allow him to punish us this way.
    I don’t think there’s been a day in three years now I have not wanted to just cry my eyes out trying to beg for foregiveness and try and negotiate some way to make up the last 33 years without getting someone broken up, the last was his father, just trying to stop his defiance.

  • Kitty says:

    My dearest Sisters Amy & Devon,

    I have walked in your shoes 10 fold, I can say Chris only comes from love. I like you had a great deal of anger regarding the abuser/violators. And God/bible etc…but God does take care of them in his own way, we have to clean our side and keep it clean and walk justly as if we were as white as snow, because GOD loves us and washes us clean of all that ugliness. …that we have to not hold onto the anger because it causes us pain, sickness within, not them…!!! God has our back, I learned there are two WILL’S in the world GODS WILL & MANS WILL, what happen to us is MAN’S WILL, what will happen to them is GOD’S WILL! Trust and Believe they will be dealt with in his time, i have witnessed his wrath upon my oppressors/violators, one by one God has been blessing to allow me witness his wrath on each of them but the GRACE for me to forgive each and everyone of them! Chris only shares from love truly I promise you, the REVENGE/WRATH IS GOD’S not ours, he is the only one who can endure such anger our bodies cannot handle the stress of that emotion truly unhealthy for us, it causes me stress, migraines, at times anorexia before bulimia which turned to where I just overeat now was 200 lbs hated myself, lost the weight. ..and have come to know the LORD and his love for me!

    You see, I was molested at the age of 2, 3, 4, 5, 9 brutally, at 14-18 my Father raped me everymorning of my high school life, I left home as soon as I could, at 16 I told a teacher who used the information to hold it against me and have his way with me and pimp me out to other teachers, raped just out of high school, my first husband was emotionally abusive, eventually the bar was raised to financially,physically…to other men doing the same, I found GOD, I sought him to be my husband started to heal, not quite healed and ran into a childhood classmate we became friends….thought I was ready should have waited on GOD, praise GOD HE told me he was to be my husband. ..I am blessed today

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Amy, I think perhaps there is a different understanding of the word ‘hurt’; I would suggest that Dr Currie is addressing the hurts that we all inflict on our spouse through our selfishness, and not the hurt of a spouse who is physically violent or emotionally abusive. If you want to see his view points on dealing with that level of ‘hurt’ in a relationship have a look at his article “When All Hell Is Breaking Loose” But the necessary pattern for most marriages to forgive and forget is of crucial importance. Wouldn’t you agree that in those cases the suggestions he makes here are very helpful?

    So Amy, are you in an abusive relationship? Do you need someone to talk to about that? One of our mentors is ready to come alongside and walk through that with you. We are not professional counselors but just volunteers who want to listen, to pray with you and help explore options of where you can get professional help. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and one of our mentors will be in touch with you soon by email.

  • amy says:

    This article is so irresponsible. Christ also forgave, but said “go and sin no more.” What about a plan for the abuser to do that – to stop abusing and change – or try? Your advice is dangerous. Please get some professional education.

  • Alfred says:

    Maricris, it is great that you could relate your experience to Anthony. You are indeed blessed in that you were able to place your personal loss & sorrow into God’s hands. HE will find you a great husband in His perfect timing.
    Hi Devon, I pray for your husband, hoping that he will see what hurt his father has caused, and change for the better in his own life! Firstly, he must want to change! Secondly, it is God who will do it for him and within him, for this is a thing that no one can do by self-effort alone! May your home be (or become) one where the Bible is read daily and all participate in prayer. As Chrissays says, God has a winning combination for you and for your home. May He soon be able to put a smile on your face.

  • Chris says:

    devon…i am so sorry to hear of this situation. men and marriage do not seem to always be a winning combination especially when they are far from God but you dont have to be. God has a winning combination for you through jesus christ and his great love for you. you see even in a supposed happy marriage, without christ we are really nothing anyway but by having a relationship with ouir heavenly father, we can be rejoicing even when people who should be there for us, arent. if you would like more information on knowing jesus as your true spiritual husband log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above. praying for you that you see jesus as the answer to all your needs and your husbands too. bye for now!

  • Trish Hicks says:

    Heavenly Father,
    Father I pray for all marriages that are stumbling through with this problem of unforgiveness.I pray you continue to show them all your faithfulness in bestowing grace to fulfill each and will and plan you have for their lives.So that they do make it to the other side, the other side where your plan for their marriage is made well again.And so Father I ask that you help them lay hold on your word, the “No weapon formed against them may prosper”even the weapon of unforgiveness which is straight from the pits of hell.Father I bind these couples marriages to your Holy Spirit , and may they lay hold of your word and walk in it.It’s in the mighty name of Jesus Christ I pray.Amen

  • Devon says:

    I hate my husband to the core. Whenever we get in an argument/fight its when he has drunk a pint of alcohol. We had split up for 1 month and I believe the only reason he is back is because he has nothing and he had got a dui.in the time while he was gone he “claims” he has done no wrong but I know better. He still finds a way to try and put me down by making weight comments and such and states no one would want me blah blah. So much to tell . The sad thing is that he thinks I am hurt because of my first marriage , in which I know I’m not. I think I have ran my course with all of this mess. I need some kind of mental support, my love for him has come to an end months ago. And I am so indecisive right now. Every time I see his drunken father and know what he had put my mother in law through sickens me and I see him making my life just as miserable in the future if I stay with him.

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