When Your Spouse Hurts You: How to Forgive and Forget
Forgive and forget. It’s a well-worn cliché – one that is easier to say than to practice.
If you’re married, you’ve been there. Your spouse has said or done something that has wounded you. It may be something small, or it may be a major betrayal. Either way, your pride screams at you to take revenge. If you don’t strike back immediately, you at least want to keep this “guilt card” in your pocket, to be pulled out at a later date: “Oh yeah, well what about the time when you….”
When we’ve been offended, the last thing we want to do is to let it go. And yet, if our desire is to have a healthy, lasting marriage, that is exactly what we’ve got to do. Here are seven suggestions to keep in mind when your spouse lets you down:
Alone this Christmas?: Talk to someone online
Be Forgiven: Find the gift of forgiveness this Christmas
- Don’t start without your spouse
If you need to talk to your spouse about something, don’t just corner them and launch in unexpectedly. That is a recipe for hostility. Instead, agree together on a time to discuss the issue. That gives each of you a chance to think about it in advance, which will result in a more productive discussion than if one partner simply lambastes the unsuspecting “offender”. - Handle negative emotions responsibly
When we react emotionally, we often say and do things that we later regret. In many cases, it is best to delay the discussion until you’ve settled down, gained a proper perspective, and prayed about your attitude. This will allow you to go into it looking for a solution, rather than just being consumed with your own hurt.As partners, you need to respect each other’s need to “take five”. If your spouse needs to wait a few minutes, or even a day or two, to cool down, don’t press the issue. This should not be used as an excuse to avoid the discussion entirely, but it is better to take some time to clear your head than to allow your emotions to take you somewhere that you don’t want to go. - Deal with one issue at a time
Remember that “guilt card” we mentioned earlier? Once you’re into the discussion, you will be tempted to pull it out. Soon, your conversation has deteriorated into a long list of offenses, as you try to outdo one another with everything that the other person has ever done wrong. This only intensifies the conflict and deepens the divide between you. It can also be overwhelming to be presented with a massive list of things that need to change. Instead of being motivating, it’s discouraging.Instead, be content to solve one problem at a time. It is much better to make serious headway in one area of your relationship than to simply rehearse everything that needs fixing. - Be clear about your perspective
Give each other some uninterrupted time to share your concerns. If you are just trading barbs back and forth, neither of you will really be hearing the other – you’ll be too busy thinking about your next comeback.When it is your time to talk, try to help your mate understand your hurt or frustration. Help them to see why their actions and words had the impact that they did. Likewise, the offending spouse should have the opportunity to explain their words or behaviour. It could be that you have misinterpreted their motives, and when this is cleared up it goes along way towards solving the problem. - Hold your relationship more dear than this issue
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our feelings or our “rights” that we lose sight of the bigger picture. People joke about marriages breaking up over toothpaste and toilet paper disputes, but it really happens! Remember that your relationship is the primary concern. You may have some issues to sort out, but you still love one another – and loving one another often means letting the other person be right. - Walk in an attitude of forgiveness
If you are going to live with this person for the next 20…30…50 years, you are going to have to forgive one another manytimes. You cannot afford to not forgive. Unforgiveness does not only hurt your spouse, it hurts you! As Corrie Ten Boom said, “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”This brings us back to the issue of forgiving and forgetting. In truth, there are some hurts that you will never be able to forget. What is more important is that we choose to let it go. Proverbs 17:9 says, “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Forgiveness entails giving up your right to punish your spouse – whether through direct retaliation or just letting bitterness fester.Over the past year, I have discovered the value of “advance forgiveness”. I make a conscious decision that, the next time my wife Donalyn offends me, I am going to forgive her. Then, when it happens, I remember that I have already decided to forgive her, so there is no point in making a big deal out of it now. This really helps to take my critical edge off. - Forgive as Christ forgave you - Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each another and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”And just how does the Lord forgive us? Fully. Unconditionally. Willingly. Time and time again.This kind of forgiveness is supernatural; it is more than we can do on our own. Particularly if your spouse has betrayed you in a major way, you may need to ask God for the ability to let go of the hurt and forgive them from your heart. But as you trust God to give you His strength and love, He will help you to forgive…even when your spouse has really let you down.
If you have never experienced God’s complete, unconditional forgiveness, know this: God loves you deeply. There is no sin that is so great that He is unwilling to forgive you, if you would just come to Him. If this is the desire of your heart, pray this prayer:
Dear God, I need You in my marriage, and in my life. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life, and that I cannot go on any further without Your help and guidance – and above all, Your forgiveness. I thank You for sending Your Son Jesus to die on the cross to pay for my sins. I now accept that sacrifice and invite Jesus to take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and empower me to live the life You have called me to. Thank You for forgiving me. Amen.
Am failing to forgive my boyfreind after i realised that he was going out with my freind. I told him that i have forgiven him but i keep on remembering the betrayal that sometimes i just cry but he has told me several times that he is sorry & that he has changed. I trusted him with all my life, he has always been there for me & has never done such a thing but i cant get myself to belive him when he talks anymore. I love him & i know that he might have really changed but i cant get myself to trust him but most of all to forgive & forget… Dont know what to do.
Brooke,
I am sorry to hear about the confusion that you are feeling. I personally recommend asking yourself a few questions such as why you are with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable and who lies to you? Why you are with someone who you feel you need to hide? I was once with a guy who I felt I needed to hide too because of his actions and because of the way he treated me. Once I realized that I didn’t need or deserve to be treated like that, I ended the relationship. It ended up being a very freeing experience and helped me with my self-esteem and confidence. I encourage you to focus on whether or not this is a relationship that should continue on. If not, it is better to end things and work through healing than to keep it going and get more hurt. I pray that you will have wisdom and clarity as you work through this.
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost four years on and off. My family hasn’t been fond of him, and I have kept it from them multiple times. I don’t know where to begin because I feel like a lot of our relationship I have been fooled. He lied to me about smoking for almost three of those years. Throughout our entire relationship I have heard rumors about him with other girls which he completely denies. I don’t get along with a lot of the girls I’ve heard this from so I always believed or chose to believe him. More recently I four him messaging numerous girls, one girl I would have never expected in a very inappropriate way. He bought me a promise ring over a year ago and I went to college and just went out with my friends and blew him off when he wanted to be serious. I went and stayed with two guy FRIENDS and if we’re arguing about him talking to other girls or anything like that he always throws that in my face. Am I wrong to forgive him for all the past hurt he’s caused me? Have I done him wrong as much as he has done me wrong? He says I have done him so much more worse but I don’t think I have, I have never cheated on him. I’m not so sure he can say the same. I’m really just confused. I feel like he wants so much out of me and for me to keep changing yet he doesn’t seem to change unless I am acting as what he sees as perfect. I love him. But I don’t know if I should continue in this relationship. We keep ending up fighting and breaking up and then we get back together and do it all again. Help! :(
Gugu,
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation with your boyfriend. It must be so hard for you to be so scared about your pregnancy. Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about your concerns since he said he doesn’t want to forgive you? If you’re scared, I hope you have people who are available to provide support to you – friends or family. If you’d like, you can sign up for an online mentor. Our mentors are here to listen and talk through any issues you may be dealing with. If you’re looking for a friend through these challenges in your pregnancy you can sign up for mentorship here.
I would also like to pray for you.
Lord God, I pray for Gugu as she’s going through such a hard time. I pray that you would encourage her through her pregnancy. Lord, you know how she’s feeling and what her boyfriend is thinking. I pray that you would guide her as she struggles in her relationship and in her pregnancy. Lord, would you give her people who are around her to be supportive and to love her. I pray these things in Jesus’ name, Amen.
my boyfriend doesn’t wanna forgive me,after I’ve told him that I wasn’t pregnant while I am. I was scared and confused,since he told me he wanted no child.
J, You asked, “how do I really just let go?” I think that sometimes, when it’s a huge something that you’re trying to let go of it’s too much to do by yourself and you need to ask for help. I’d suggest help in two forms: first, continue to pray. Ask God to release it out of your fingers. Second, as you are praying seek out a counsellor both for you and your husband. Dealing with addiction – whether it’s your own, or someone you love’s addiction – is like trying to carry a mountain on your back. It’s too much to do alone. Help is available and there is no weakness in asking for it.
You mentioned things that are triggers for your husband usage and I noticed that you said, “if I chose to keep putting him down for his past mistake it will only send him back to the drugs”. Be careful with that thinking. Yes, it is important to not constantly bring up the past if you want to have a healthy relationship, HOWEVER, nothing you can do would make it your fault that he took drugs. It’s important that you hear that. Unless you hold him down and put the needle in his vein yourself you are not responsible for his addiction. You’re not. If he makes you feel like it is, if he blames you for it, then that is his addiction talking and it underscore the truth that you would both benefit from counselling support.
You cannot control his thoughts, feelings or actions and you are not responsible for them. I understand that you don’t want to make it harder for him, and that is admirable, but if he’s an addict, it’s going to be hard. Even if you are the perfect wife and have the perfect home and perfect finances at all times, it’s still going to be hard. Addiction is hard, that’s why it’s so important to get help because addiction doesn’t have to be where the story ends. If you’re going to stay together you do need to forgive him, but you also need to understand that your forgiveness is not going to cure his addiction. That’s not yours to give. There is a list of resources for family members of drug addicts here. You can do this, but please don’t force yourself to try and do it alone.
I have resently realized I haven’t truly forgiven my husband for all the hurt and pain he has caused me over that past few years. Unlike a lot of you my husband has not cheatedon me and broken that trust, we have aa far deeper problem. My husband is an addict and his drug addiction has been hard to say the least. I have been varbably abused for year being made to feel as if I am the bad guy, he isolated me, called me every name in the book, accussed of cheating more times than I care to count, (never have or even thought about it I hold marriage as a very sacrit thing and love him to much to ever hurt him like that)it got so bad for a while that i had to recall everyone I talked to everyday what it was about and why I talked to them even if it was my family i was talking to. We have finantually been rowened a few times over his addict and everytime he sobbers up and we start to get out of the mess he has put us in he goes right back to the drugs. Now I know after a while why he uses and where his pain he is trying to hide comes from. He never learned to deal with life or having a horrible abousive father and he never got past his parents divorce or his grand mothers death. Then his son’s mother cheated on him he went back to drugs. We started talking some time after they split up and as his friend then I was there and helped him over come his addiction or so I thought. I now some years later have realized it doesn’t matter if we move or where we live he will always find away to get it if he wants it bad enough. Talking about finances is a trigger having any king of arguement is a trigger. Now for the good he is a strong worker and loves with his whole heart. After coming to christ he changed for a while was a wondefful man then the relasp came. Now after it been over a year of back and forth with his recovery he has found his way back to god. Now i struggle with can I trust him? I find myself throwing up all the hurt from the past. I realized today that even though I’ve said I forgive him I never let it go and if I don’t want to be a stumbling block for him I have to let the past go. He feels a deep remorse for what he has done and if i chose to keep putting him down for his past mistake it will only send him back to the drugs. I now pray I can let go of the past and move forward not afraid and not let it nag at me what if he messes up again what if he fails like all the time before. If I keep think like that I am just setting us both up for failure. How do I lets go of so much hurt and pain so we can both grow instead of us both falling flat on our faces again? I have stayed faithful to God and he has bee my strength through all this. I think this is where my resentment has come from. The whole protical son returns and here I am being the elder brother. I don’t want to be that and after years of abuse but knoowing God wants me to let go of it how do I just really let go?
My heart goes out to you Grace. You say that he cheated on you before you were married and again after, but also that he was ‘flirting’ with someone. Are you sure that he cheated on you the second time? or were you just struggling with the first time? In any case, it sounds like there is definitely an issue of broken trust and you will need to decide if your marriage is worth saving or not. Forgiveness isn’t easy but is worth it if the two of you can work through the issues. I would strongly suggest that you go for counseling together so that you will actually talk through what the issues are. We also have free online mentors who will walk alongside of you as you walk on this journey. Just fill out the form on this page and a mentor will email you. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
My husband cheated me twice. He first cheated on me with a whore when we were not yet married, I was busy at work then so I really can’t go out with him. He’s a soldier and somebody gave him a woman when he got drunk, and “something” happened to them.. I was really hurt knowing that I was busy working while he was busy having a bed on someone. And when I found out, I forgive him because I was thinking that he wouldn’t be able to do that if I have enough time for him. I gave him another chance to fix things. Now, we’re married for 8 months.. He used to come home every 4 months because he was destined very far from me.. For the first 4 months when he came home, everything works out fine..we were happy. But when he came home for another 4 months, I found out that he was flirting with someone. I was really hurt, to think that we’re not yet achieving a one year marriage and now, he cheated me already! What a bad start! I always blame him for what he did. I always start a fight telling how much he hurt me. I can’t forgive him for the second time. I was thinking of him everyday but he was just flirting with someone else and that hurts me really bad. He’s so unfair! I really can’t believe it! He was a disappointment to me and to my family. I’m always true to him but he betrayed my trust. What should I do? What he did keeps on taunting me. I always quarell him. I’m tired enough of this fight but I still can’t get a peace of mind.. :’(
Dear Quicky,
I hear how you are in some much pain, my heart goes out to you. I am sorry you are in such pain. You want help to forgive and forget, my suggestion is that you seek counselling, for yourself and with your wife. In the meantime, we offer free and confidential mentoring, you will be matched with a mentor that will help you with what you are going through http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/.
I will be praying for you.
Leah
Hello Quicky,
For this very personal situation it would be best if you dealt directly with one of the mentors one on one. Just leave a comment in the box and someone will be with you. Forgiveness is a lot easier when you see it from the other person point of view and when you understand why they did what they did by asking questions to them and be calm. You can also seek professional help if you want but it costs in the USA if that is where you are from
My story is similar like Neb but more drastic. I am happily married for 8 years. Three months before my wife confessed me her series of affairs from last eight years. She has long affairs with three guys. At that time I don’t know how to react, my world shattered. I am completely collapse. I loved her so much and what she did with me. We have a beautiful daughter and she is pregnant with second child at this time. I don’t know how to deal with this situation. She begged my apology so many time but I don’t know how to forgive her and how to forget what she did to me. Same like Neb all haunting images comes all the time. I couldn’t sleep from last three months. I lost 10kg of weight. She is now seventh month running and we are fighting almost every day. We can’t separate as she is pregnant and nobody here to help her and I can’t live with her. I don’t know how come out with this situation.
Please if anybody can help me how to forgive and how to forget her for shake of children. Please I am in big pain from last three months and many times things about give up the life but cant do it. I know the only forgivness can save me and I am trying from last three months but I couldn’t forgive and forget. Please help me.
Yes, point 5 is important to me. We have been married 23 years and so many times after an issue upset me a thought came to mind about my relationship matters more than that issue. When you think of it that should be framed in every home and all the needless fights and divorces would end. It has helped me in not becoming bitter. That is a very important point!
i never thought I would forgive someone but I did, It took a lot out of me but after a year of fighting it inside, i won….
And i feel relieved….
My heart goes out to you Susan. May I suggest that you take advantage of the online mentoring that we provide? Just fill out the form on this page http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and one of our mentors will email you and walk alongside of you on your journey.
My partner &l joined together with my 3 sons & his daughter. Two years later we had our first son together things got bad a lot of yelling at the kids and we he lest me because l
Became pregnant and against his wishes
Kept out baby. He slept with other women and after
L begged him to come home l found out her had a relationshsip with a relaly ugly girl inside and out it’s been Ten months l can’t get over it what do l do god help me
CORRECTION: “…that I needed her forgiveness as much or more than she needed mine.” Sorry about that folks.
I am a person that does not naturally forgive but like to hold a grudge and my wife and I have been married 23 years (July 2,1988). Over the years I have had to do a lot of “letting go” but I also realize that my wife has had to do a lot more than me and that I needed her forgiveness as much or more than I needed hers. If a person can’t forgive that only means that they must see themselves as close to perfection rather than just plain sinners. Forgiveness and faith are closely related and so is unforgiveness and unbelief.
good article, but it is hard sometimes to forgive and forget with a spoue but you try and pray that you can let it go too
You’re welcome Doris.
It’s nice to share and let out what we are going through when no one seems to listen. This blog is one of the tools where we can get advice, encouragement, inspiration and strength. Help others as well rise from their fall. So i’ll just be here to share life.
So glad to hear that you are working at your relationship neb. That’s the first step for sure and professional counseling can really help.
Kyle, glad you were encouraged! Thanks for being part of this blog community. Blessings to you today!
Thank you all for the encouraging words. We are currently trying to patch things up and find a way to get through this. It will not be easy especially for me, but we got to give it a try. As things progress or go the other way we will decide if we will be needing some counseling. Thank you all. God bless.
Thanks Doris.
So Neb, just hold on to God, he will be there to give you strength. Have faith on him and he will always lead you to to the right path. Healing may take some time, but as those wounds heal, you become a stronger and a better person. A person who can face on what is in store for tomorrow no matter how happy or sad it may be with arms wide open.
Kyle, you are so right when you said that sometimes in life we are blind to reality because we love the person so much. Know that God is faithful even as you continue to heal on your journey.
I agree with Andrew…she cant be doing this for no reason, there must be something to it which you can find out with the help of a counselor. Much better if you can also talk to her…ask her what are the things that were missing between you and her.
I salute Neb though, you are a strong and forgiving person. I can see how much love you have for this woman. Sometimes in life, we are blind to see reality when we love a person so much, so much that we almost gave up everything for them. Which I did for my husband, giving up everything for my love for him. Continue with that, the only thing to focus now is how you can get over and forgetting those memories, starting fresh and be happy forever. Goodlcuk and God Bless you on this journey! Keep your strength alive.
Neb their is no verse that will help a person forget when someone betrays you. People forgive which is what Christ asked us to do however to forget is much more difficult. The reason it is difficult to forget is because we doubt the spouse because what occurred is something that is sacred was broken and the only way to break this bond through Christ and asking that the bond to the other person be broken. I have found that when a spouse cheats it is as a result of a deeper issue and unless counseling occurs the real issue as to why the betrayal occurred will repeat itself and the trust will never come back and your relationship will end. In my life I have been able to forgive betrayal only as a result of meeting with a counselor to discover what it is that I needed to change. It is easy to blame the person who betrayed but there is a reason this occurred and until the reason is discovered and professionally dealt with the relationship will end because the root cause has not been dealt with.
I have been happily married to my lovely wife for over 10 years. I suspected there was something different with my wife but I did not say anything because I trusted her. Not until last week when she left her chat account as if God wanted me to see it and found something. I got the initial denial and she finally confessed on just flirting with a guy from work. I forgave her, but when I tried to put those pieces together she admitted to just kissing and fondling once, then the next day it became more than once. It seems like whenever I wanted to try to have a fresh start something new comes up, she tells me she didn’t want to lose me, because I have told her before that I wouldn’t take her back if she cheats on me. I ate my words and trying to find the way to forget but the doubts/thoughts that the cheating went further than kissing and fondling always hunts me not to mention the images of her kissing another man keep coming back to me. I obviously love her so much because I am still here trying to figure out a way to make this work. My concern is that I may not forget the images and keeps asking myself if the cheating was more than she could tell me, and she may not be able to handle my roller coaster emotions. I have forgiven her but how could I forget (is there a verse on the Bible I could read everytime I have my doubts?). Please advise.
I agree Doris…at the end of the day when everybody in the world is against you…this person, your partner should be your confidant no matter who you are, what you are and what you will be since you have promised to be together till death do you part. Relationship, love is really nice to be at, to feel but it wont be a relationship without the downfalls…where it makes the relationship stronger, challenges you to face another day on how you will be able to carry on all the things that you need to work on. All i can advise is be strong, hold on because one day there will be a time that you will be thanked for everything. Enjoy life and savor every moment you spend with your partners in life or husbands. Life is short, time ticks so fast. God bless all the women out there who struggles for love, fights for love and is having a great time with what they feel now. I salute you!
ME, that’s an excellent question that you suggest people ask before they do anything to break the trust of their spouse….what will be the outcome and is it worth it? If we actually stopped to ask that first we wouldn’t find ourselves caught in such webs of deceit and lies.
Trina, I am glad that this article and posts have helped and that you are able to work through the current challenges in your marriage. God always redeems the years that the locusts have eaten if only we are willing to allow Him to room to work. And you are so right…your marriage is worth your full attention, forgiveness, ability to let go and let God and the time to save it!
I searched for a way to forgive and came across this website. As I read the article and some of the posts it hit me. I caught my husband in his indiscretion and confronted him this morning. I wasn’t angry — I was hurt and I was bewildered as to how his affection could have been turned to another woman. When I approached him before leaving for work I told him I wasn’t angry, but I needed to know something. Then I asked him who she was to him. He told me everything I wanted to know — which means he still left out the parts he thought would really tear me apart. I made it up in my mind that I was going to move forward and work through this. Now back to what hit me about this site — I have cheated on him. How did I forget THAT?? Being self absorbed with help you justify anything. To my knowledge he doesn’t know that I have have betrayed his trust. My indiscretion had nothing to do with how much I love him and want to be in this marriage with him. It was low self worth and poor judgement on my part. To forgive him is an opportunity for me to let go of my selfishness and work on this union. The relationship is worth my full attention, my forgiveness, and my ability to let go and let God.
What I was trying to say was I know I was wrong by hurting my first husband and I pray that God has for gave me, but I know as people we can forgive but we can’t forget and that was the problem we had NO TRUST, you can’t have a marriage without that…And with that said , I pray that everyone will stop before they do anything and say If I do this than what will be the out come? Is it worth it?????
I have been married twice in my life, and we are approaching our first year ann.I realize that the man I WAS married to was my SOUL mate, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him , we were together for 20 plus years and I was the reason that we didn’t work , I know God don’t punish people but I do believe that everything we do comes back to us. Like I said now me and my new husband have been married for 1 year, and I have been though a lot of stuff with him, he was married twice before me and well I should have took note to that , but no I wanted to be married , I realize that there is only one TRUE LOVE and I let him go a long time ago…
Kyle, it sounds like you are a very wise woman and have learned how to deal with those tough issues in your marriage. You are so right in saying that you can choose what you focus on and that forgiveness is a choice. It is a choice, not a feeling which is something that is easy to forget.
Lynn, I did felt the same way too. Where I asked my self how much forgiveness am I suppose to give or should be the one to forgive all the time??? the same questions which you are asking now popped into my mind when I felt so lonely, sad, devastated and angry. But recently, i tried my very best to remove all pains and things which made my angry everytime I think with my husband. Before I stopped cooking for him, caring for him and those practices came back, I really felt that he appreciated the things I am doing. Until now, i just feel that we were like lovers – even like before we got married. It’s so hard to forgive but once you have done it, all the pain in your chest, in your heart disappears. Think of the happy times you were together, do not think that you do not have something that is why he tries to look for someone else. Surprise him, plan on something special for him. Go on a trip, just the two of you so you can talk, I mean talk about your plans for family and for you both (of corrs without the nagging and angry attitude). We women should make our husbands feel that we are distinct from any other women they get to meet, date, spend time with. We should not only pray for all the hurts we feel but we should act on it and God will help us make happen what we want. I wish you well in this journey Lynn. Please share to us if there are any developments. God Bless!
Lynn, I have to agree with Shelley that forgiveness isn’t easy in this life. But we must forgive if only for our own emotional and spiritual health. Not forgiving is like eating rat poison and waiting for the rat to die……it doesn’t hurt the person we aren’t forgiving as much as it hurts us and eats us up from the inside out.
Forgiveness is not easy in this life. We must do it because our Father has forgiven us in what we do in our lives with Him. He is the master on forgiving. We need to forgive one another with love and devotion even when it dose not seem possbile to do so. We get hurt all the time from people, but in order to get the heaviness off our backs we need to forgive.
I am going through a VERY long and hard stretch of forgiveness. I can admit that I’ve contributed to the reason why he stepped out in the beginning. I lost my mother and became very depressed for a few months. He said he felt neglected. What I have a problem with is, no one knows what their grievance will be like. And one would hope to be able to have the love and support through it. Not be blamed for the others actions. Also, this whole relationship started with lies. I found out 4 years into it that he was married and had 2 additional children that I was not told about. I have one child and wanted to have maybe 1 more. But I felt because of this, that opportunity was taken from me. As I tried to work through the forgiveness of this, both children came to live with us within 6 months of finding out about them, it was not a decision he made and did without talking to me until after they were there. Yes I was bitter but I still tried to forgive and move on. But I felt as though I was bombarded and taken advantage of. Mind you, I was still working on the forgiveness of the infidelity, which was hard because he still secretly spoke to and had dealings with that person. I tried to explain the fact that it is hard for a wound to heal if you keep picking at the scab. And yes when I got mad, I would throw that at him, which usually made me even more upset because the hurt that it caused came rushing back all over again. With the children now in the home, and a position I was forced into, which I felt as though I did out of love & support, I tried to make the best out of a bad situation. Until I realized that one of the children was very manipulative, and caused us to argue constantly. At one point I felt as though I can watch them while he is working, but I better not say anything to them because he and I will have a fight that on occasion has gotten physical. What parent or adult can live like this? I’ve prayed and continued to work on more forgiveness. I even decided I would take the kids on a mini vacation with me. We had a very good time. But upon arriving back home he was missing in action for 3 days. Only to find out that he was out of state with another woman. Of course I was the reason for this once again. So I turn back to prayer and work even harder at forgiveness. I was even left to manage all of the household finances, because he wanted someone to take care of him for a change. Not understanding my anger that not only was I taking care of you, but your children too. And that was so very unfair to me. I sought the advice of, what I thought was, a friend. And I vented a little in the process. This so called friend ended up spreading the word around. Needless to say he was and still is mad because he feels I humiliated him. Not comparing situations but I understood his feelings and often wondered, where was the understanding of my humiliation through all that I’ve been through? We celebrated our 9th anniversary, I found out that during the course of the night he had taken pictures of himself and sent them to the person he was Mia with along with the message that I miss you. I was of course told it wasn’t what I thought it was, I was making something out of nothing, ect. A few months later I find an email from her to him first noticing that she was using his last name, and the email started off Hey hubby. It was address for houses that were for sale in the same area we currently live in and a request for him to see what would be the best choice for ‘us’. On top of that, yet another kid is now living here. Yet another decision that was made without me.
Now here is where I REALLY need help, I have prayed and tried my hardest to forgive but I am so angry and bitter I constantly walk around hurting and pissed off, not only at him but myself as well. I know the bible states to have unconditional forgiveness, but come on how much of this mess am I really suppose to forgive?????? I still have love for this man, but hate him at the same time. I have been praying for strength, guidance and peace. But should I really seek forgiveness??
Someone please help me!
This is where I really need help, how much forgiving am I suppose to do in this situation? I have moments where I want to w
I was looking for a prayer in the internet to become a forgiving wife and I came across this web page. I liked the way the messages were conveyed which made me realize something. Though its so painful to accept reality forgiveness is really a hard thing to do. I have been married for 4 years and it seems i have tried all the things to make my husband happy but he does not appreciate all the things I am doing. He hates to talk about us which sometimes leads to a fight. I was hoping him to be my confidant since he is the only person I can share my problems with but it seems i was wrong. I am just praying to be a strong and patient wife to have more strength to carry on all these…to be happy. But as what the article says you have to forgive for you to move on. If you think, its so unfair but that how life should be. Lord, bless me with your strength that I may be a better person and wife to my husband no matter the circumstances.
It’s so hard to move on when you’ve given your heart and thought that he has given his heart as well. When the relationship gets “too close” and he backs away, then wants to continue to talk everyday as friends. I became possessive and had a hard time trusting that he was committed to our relationship. Now, he’s moved on to a relationship where his girlfriend is coming out of a 21 year marriage with a history of husband’s infidelities. He is supporting her and doesn’t want her to feel insecure. He has discarded the fact that I am hurting from what I went through with him, so now I’m going through the hurt by myself, when his girlfriend is getting his attention and support. She told me they are making plans for their future. She’s concerned he’s been a bachelor all of his life and will be going into an instant family. I can’t imagine this happening when the both of us have not been married 56 and 54 years old, we both don’t have any children, and had a very simple life. Why does he accept a relationship like he is in now as opposed to the relationship we had ? Now, he doesn’t email me at all and said they have an “honesty policy” where she was told everytime I contact him. Needless to say, I don’t anymore and want completely out of the triangle. I would never want to be blamed for any of their problems. They were in a relationship 20+ years ago and came in touch with each other again in the late summer. She said she started thinking of him as more than a friend in the early fall, and they are making plans for the future. It can’t get any worse than this expecially when I had finally been able to trust to love again and felt very connected with him. I had hoped we could have found a common ground so badly because I know it wasn’t anything that I did, it was the fact he became unacceptable of our relationship. It was at the end so he said. To me it was time to learn how to compromise with each other after the honeymoon was over. He must have cared for me to have wanted to be close for 4 years. Of course I’m going to be hurt if their relationship lasts. I have no one and he has it all.
Forgiveness is a choice and not a feeling. Something I learned firsthand is that you do not “forget” the betrayal, but you can “choose not to remember”. Each time a hurtful memory “swept over me” like a tidal wave, I reminded myself that I CHOSE to forgive and it was covered by the redeeming blood of Jesus. As time went on, the tormenting reminders became less and less frequent and trust was able to rebuild. And I can say 10 years after a betrayal that I am more in love with my spouse than ever before. God has been faithful!
Hi This unforgiveness is destroying my marriage, thanks that i stumbled on your site, Both of us needs deliverance. There is a child involve which makes it worse. I felt like wanting out of the marriage as a result of this unforgiveness. Please pray for me.
Hi,
I stumbled upon this site and this particular thread as if by chance.I am in a situation in which I would not like anyone to land into.Having been cheated, emotionally hurt and financially ruined by my wife of 26 years,now in another country not wanting to return and not ready to support me if I go there despite having helped her settle exhausting all means at my disposal, I very well understand the pain of many of the people who wrote their stories here.By forgiving my spouse, I am much at peace and am setting up my life anew as if it were a new birth.Since I never stop learning lessons from the book of life, so forgetting the trauma and the perpetrator of the same is not a question but how to focus on myself and move on is my first priority.I wish that no one suffers from such relationships that bulldoze all the dreams of career and having exemplary quality of life but if it ever happens, then that is because He wants to teach you something and you should better try understand His psychology and align yours in the service of His creations.When you serve, you become a master.I believe that no problems are mightier than your capacity.
With best wishes for all times to come to whosoever reads this.
This is advise that works. I have tried all that you said and it is more confirmation that Gods word is true. My marriageis an example if that. Also I commend the writer for their obedience
I enjoy your website and consider it very helpful, especially for the younger families.
Dorothy and I have been married for 49 years, have 3 good kids that are raising Godly grandkids.
Suggestion: In your Yes, I prayed section, part of understanding Salvation is to see the resurrection as God’s approval for the sacrifice. Romans 10 includes believing that God raised him from the dead.
hi Fiona, initailly i also had the same problem, seems like the thoughts keep replaying in my head, but I realized that I can only truly forgive if we have Christ in our heart. We have to know that we have sinned and fallen short but Christ forgave us similarly He wants us to forgive those who have hurt us. We have to constantly fill our hearts and minds with God’s word only He can help us truly forgive. Ask for the guidance of the Holy Spirit to help you, it will not be easy but it can be done. And realize that the longer we dwell in the past, we will not be able to enjoy the future.
ive really tried to forgive but i still cant forget how he betrayed me,i just cant get over this feeling, it keeps oncoming to me, i really dont know how to erase this thought of being cheated and betrayed in my head,ive tried praying about it but mostof the times,i just give and question God why me??please help me get over this situation..
Thinking about you Ellen and praying for you right now. I know how much it can hurt. It seems no one can hurt us as much as our spouses. I’m trying to heal my own marriage as well, and praying for the ability to see my own flaws and not just concentrate on his. :/ It’s hard when they hurt us, I know. But God is in control and He will always be there to hold us.
I’m really still in PAIN now. I can’t FORGIVE my husband for what he has done to me. For 21yrs in marriage, i’m feeling being fooled long time ago even if what he said is just recently. EVERYTHING turns into a disaster and END OF MY WORLD. I’ve never been HURT like this before. I still believe in God. Sometimes i force to believe that HE was mistaken on giving me this kind of problem. So EASY to think about doing that FORGIVENESS but I really find it very hard to do that because of the PAIN i’m feeling now. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!
Hi Clarence,
Glad you’ve found our site. Here are some articles that deal with forgiveness and hardship … if you’d like to talk to someone privately about the particular challenges you face, please feel free to contact an online mentor. You will be matched with a mentor who is familiar with the type of struggles you’re having and whole will talk with you confidentially via email.
Overcoming hardship:
Optimisim takes a beating in Tough Times
Forgiveness:
Why is it so hard to forgive?
Hope these links help. Please do consider talking to a mentor, it can really help too!
Thank you,
I have been looking for resourses that will help me forgive and cope with hardship. Yours is the most helpful site thus far. If you can suggest any other resourses pleas let me know. I am struggling.
Thank you in advance!