When Your Spouse Hurts You: How to Forgive and Forget
Forgive and forget. It’s a well-worn cliché – one that is easier to say than to practice.
If you’re married, you’ve been there. Your spouse has said or done something that has wounded you. It may be something small, or it may be a major betrayal. Either way, your pride screams at you to take revenge. If you don’t strike back immediately, you at least want to keep this “guilt card” in your pocket, to be pulled out at a later date: “Oh yeah, well what about the time when you….”
When we’ve been offended, the last thing we want to do is to let it go. And yet, if our desire is to have a healthy, lasting marriage, that is exactly what we’ve got to do. Here are seven suggestions to keep in mind when your spouse lets you down:
- Don’t start without your spouse
If you need to talk to your spouse about something, don’t just corner them and launch in unexpectedly. That is a recipe for hostility. Instead, agree together on a time to discuss the issue. That gives each of you a chance to think about it in advance, which will result in a more productive discussion than if one partner simply lambastes the unsuspecting “offender”. - Handle negative emotions responsibly
When we react emotionally, we often say and do things that we later regret. In many cases, it is best to delay the discussion until you’ve settled down, gained a proper perspective, and prayed about your attitude. This will allow you to go into it looking for a solution, rather than just being consumed with your own hurt.As partners, you need to respect each other’s need to “take five”. If your spouse needs to wait a few minutes, or even a day or two, to cool down, don’t press the issue. This should not be used as an excuse to avoid the discussion entirely, but it is better to take some time to clear your head than to allow your emotions to take you somewhere that you don’t want to go. - Deal with one issue at a time
Remember that “guilt card” we mentioned earlier? Once you’re into the discussion, you will be tempted to pull it out. Soon, your conversation has deteriorated into a long list of offenses, as you try to outdo one another with everything that the other person has ever done wrong. This only intensifies the conflict and deepens the divide between you. It can also be overwhelming to be presented with a massive list of things that need to change. Instead of being motivating, it’s discouraging.Instead, be content to solve one problem at a time. It is much better to make serious headway in one area of your relationship than to simply rehearse everything that needs fixing. - Be clear about your perspective
Give each other some uninterrupted time to share your concerns. If you are just trading barbs back and forth, neither of you will really be hearing the other – you’ll be too busy thinking about your next comeback.When it is your time to talk, try to help your mate understand your hurt or frustration. Help them to see why their actions and words had the impact that they did. Likewise, the offending spouse should have the opportunity to explain their words or behaviour. It could be that you have misinterpreted their motives, and when this is cleared up it goes along way towards solving the problem. - Hold your relationship more dear than this issue
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our feelings or our “rights” that we lose sight of the bigger picture. People joke about marriages breaking up over toothpaste and toilet paper disputes, but it really happens! Remember that your relationship is the primary concern. You may have some issues to sort out, but you still love one another – and loving one another often means letting the other person be right. - Walk in an attitude of forgiveness
If you are going to live with this person for the next 20…30…50 years, you are going to have to forgive one another manytimes. You cannot afford to not forgive. Unforgiveness does not only hurt your spouse, it hurts you! As Corrie Ten Boom said, “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”This brings us back to the issue of forgiving and forgetting. In truth, there are some hurts that you will never be able to forget. What is more important is that we choose to let it go. Proverbs 17:9 says, “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Forgiveness entails giving up your right to punish your spouse – whether through direct retaliation or just letting bitterness fester.Over the past year, I have discovered the value of “advance forgiveness”. I make a conscious decision that, the next time my wife Donalyn offends me, I am going to forgive her. Then, when it happens, I remember that I have already decided to forgive her, so there is no point in making a big deal out of it now. This really helps to take my critical edge off. - Forgive as Christ forgave you - Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each another and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”And just how does the Lord forgive us? Fully. Unconditionally. Willingly. Time and time again.This kind of forgiveness is supernatural; it is more than we can do on our own. Particularly if your spouse has betrayed you in a major way, you may need to ask God for the ability to let go of the hurt and forgive them from your heart. But as you trust God to give you His strength and love, He will help you to forgive…even when your spouse has really let you down.
If you have never experienced God’s complete, unconditional forgiveness, know this: God loves you deeply. There is no sin that is so great that He is unwilling to forgive you, if you would just come to Him. If this is the desire of your heart, pray this prayer:
Dear God, I need You in my marriage, and in my life. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life, and that I cannot go on any further without Your help and guidance – and above all, Your forgiveness. I thank You for sending Your Son Jesus to die on the cross to pay for my sins. I now accept that sacrifice and invite Jesus to take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and empower me to live the life You have called me to. Thank You for forgiving me. Amen.
Vanessa,
I know it is hard to forgive betrayal but the most important thing to do right now is to clearly communicate with your husband. It isn’t a matter of just forgiving and forgetting, because it stays unresolved and will cause even greater pain later. In a spirit of mercy and compassion, talk with your husband, ask about the situation which occurred and most importantly why it happened. If you feel you need a mediator to better understand and express your feelings, suggest it to him. There are many marriages which have found restoration after betrayal. The most important aspect is to seek Godly counsel and not just give up on the marriage.
I pray for you Vanessa in Jesus name that he give you strength and grace to move through this circumstance. I pray for your husband that he find the strength to be honest with you and with himself to understand why he made the decisions to sleep with another person. Lord i ask that you give Vanessa peace and help her seek out your wisdom in regards to her marriage. in Jesus name, Amen.
Hello Ann, I am sorry for the treatment you are suffering at the hands of your husband. I pray for you and your young children in the midst of this crisis that God will lead you through this. As far as calling it quits, I think the first thing you should be concerned most about is seeking help for you and your children. You all have been subject to abuse in various forms whether emotional, mental and in your case with the cheating physical because he has put your life at risk with the exposure of STD’s. Please take a moment now to think of your safety and that of your children. Seek help through a Christian Therapist, resources such as Focus on the Family can help you find experienced counselors in your city. Ask your husband to join you as well. If he is resistant, you should still seek guidance for you and your children.
As far as forgiveness, it is clear that your husband must have suffered a certain amount of abuse himself in one form or another. Although it is through God’s grace that you will find the strength to forgive him for the choices he has made, it does not mean you should continue to be subject to the pain of abuse. You must also think of what your children are experiencing as well and what it will mean for them in the future. Do your best to work together with your husband and seek God’s guidance through knowledgeable and compassionate people.
I ask the Lord for Ann and her children to protect her from any further abuse and to lead her in a direction to find assistance and support in this crisis. Lord, let Ann know that she is your child and that you love her, show her compassion and mercy and soften the heart of her husband so he does not persist in his current abusive path. In Christ’s name I ask for the preservation of this marriage through active conversion of this man’s heart and soul to follow Godly counsel. In Jesus name – Amen
hi me and my husband have been married for 3 month we had a relationship for 2 years .. in those 2 years we both hurt and forgave It was never nothing big it was just stupid argument. but now that we are married I found out that in you relationship as boy friend and girlfriend he slept with some one other then me. I don’t know what to do I am really hurt. I am think of getting a divorce. what should I do I need help. should I let it go or should I let him go.. please help
my husband nd i know eachother for 6 years now.we were realy good friends. w started dating like year 4 months ago. 7 months of dating we got married and i left my country and moved to live with him to another country..he was amazing with me till 3 weeks into staying together.he started to change..more angry and was not treating me well. would say harsh things nd always leave me crying.lots of fights but had good days til i found a message on his phone for his birthday. it said wish was with you babe and all for birthday. he told me it was his guy friend fooling round.i ended up snooping into his facebook mesages to find this old mesage from his x gf.well mesges were from before we started dating.i found her dads nd uncles nd moms number on his fone too.he deleted it saying its a old fone which it was..but for that text he told me it was a guy friend. i went back to my ocuntry for 3 weeks for younger sisters wedding.he was sopose to come there on my last week then back together to our home.while i was there i was trying to call him and he told me he was at work. thursday friday saturday he kept teling me he forgot his charger at his brothers place in another city when he went to drop me off tot he airport. i knew something was wrong so i checked online account since we have joint account to find out he was in another city.i thought he was cheating on me only or him to finally tell me he has a 1 year old daughter with his xgf. and he was there to celebrate her 1st birthday.i was broken but i love him and i wanted to spent my life with him. then we came back and been trying to work it out but fights was always the answer.it became physical twice but not too serious. i have insomnia too now.we both love each other but i have hard time forgiving him. just last week his xgf put up a old picture of my husband saying ‘my hubbs’. i was very upset. told my husband and we had a huge argument and i decided to leave him.because i had enough. then he started really crying and telling me he would choose me over his daughter over me any day.but he wants me in his life..that he cant live without me..but i dont trust him at all.i want to but i just cant.i told him i wanted to take a break to think and he told me he will change things so i dont have to come back to all this pain.i finding myself looking in the mirror and just crying and crying thinking what all has happend to me.i just wana stop feeling so insecure.i dont want to leave him but i know im strong enough to do so.but i love him sooo very much..wish things were different but its all wrecked.i want to change that.i wana move on and start fresh with him because thats what he wants.but we dont know how to. i dont know how not to b insecure and how to accept his daughter with another women in my life. he doesnt wana tell him family ever about her.i wana live nd breathe normal again.to get myself back up and do the right thing. please any advise! thanks
Hi, I urgently need help; my husband has been having bouts of drinking, which neggatively affects me, and our marriage. When e gets drunk, e does all sorts of wierd things like lying to me, taking our money, and many other things. In the mornings, he apologises and promises not to repeat the same, but by that time, I am so hurt and emotional. I always forgive him, but it hurts every single time it happens because I know that the events will repeat themselves in a matter of time.
We are both saved and believe we are called by God for great things in advancing His kingdom. However, he blames the situation of not being able to provide as the husband since I am the one that makes the money for both of us. I know its part of God’s plan for us for now, beacause He is still teaching us to depend on His grace entirely. However, it hurtts a lot because its like my husband is kinda losing His trust in God. Please help. Thanks…
Hello, my husband and I have been married for four years now we have two very beautiful boys… I have stayed by his side through his cheating.. Recently he has called me a “whore” it devastated me, I couldn’t believe he would stoop that low I have never cheated on him.. I have found myself pushing him away is there appoint to just to call quits.. He never wants to have sex if we do its once twice a month we are only 22 and 23.. He never spends time with our family if something goes wrong he finds a way to blame be for it, it has come to the point that I don’t say anything back I just shut down..
Anonymous, thank you for sharing your situation and your pain so honestly. According to 1 John 1:9, the Lord has forgiven you for your actions in your marriage, and He is NOT punishing you:
9 If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just (true to His own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins [dismiss our lawlessness] and [continuously] cleanse us from all unrighteousness [everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought, and action] [Amplified Bible].
Unfortunately, your husband has not yet been able to let go of the pain he has experienced as a result of your past actions, and it may be necessary for you to have the same patience with him that he has had with you by remaining with him and giving him the time he needs to heal. While you are waiting for him to get past his pain, it is so very important that you model the love of Christ for him in your marriage. In order to do so, it is essential that you surrender yourself fully to Jesus, relying on Him for all of your needs at this time of intense loneliness, and trusting in Christ as your Husband:
For your Maker is your Husband—the Lord of hosts is His name—and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth He is called [Isaiah 54:5, Amplified Bible].
Jesus has promised to meet all of your needs, and when you turn to Him, spending time daily in His Word and asking Him to be your Strength and your Sufficiency, you can be assured that He will do so:
19 And my God will liberally supply (fill to the full) your every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus [Philippians 4:19, Amplified Bible].
I pray that you and your husband are able to resolve your conflicts and return to loving unity in Christ Jesus your Lord. In Jesus’ holy and mighty Name, I pray. Amen.
Hi my husband and I have none each other since we were kids and now we have been married for 25 year. Earlier part of our marriage was great so I thought. As time went along I became very angry and jealous of my spouse because of lack of self-esteem and an identity crisis. I fell into a deep depression and into the would of, could of, should of syndrome. I began to feel that I was to young to get married and decided that I made the wrong decision to settle down because I have never dated anyone else besides my husband. I did not go to college and I did not get the joy of being young. My husband is a go getter and he has many friends and he is out going and people liked him but me on the other hand was a loner but not by choice. I envied my husband and I hated to always be seen in his shadow because people only knew me because of my husband and not because of me. I began to distance myself from my husband sexually and mentally and I wanted to go outside of my marriage and it almost happened and it was almost with the closet person to him because I wanted him to hurt as much as I did. And later down the line tried to do it again but out of fear I could not go outside of my marriage and because God would not let me. I realize after all I put my husband through I did not know I was hurting myself as well. Years went by and God delivered my and now I am a better person. I am willing to start anew with my husband and we were doing fine at least it looked that way. And now it has been at least 15 to almost 20 years later and now my husband is reacting to my unruly behavior. I know God has forgiven me and I have apologized and promised I would never hurt him that way again and God held me to that and now I want our lives to move to the next level and he is not willing to try. When I try to be romantic with him it is not returned. We are not even romantically involved with each other let alone spend time with each other and when I mentioned these things to him. He says to me ” you conditioned me this way” and now I am the man you made me you don’t like it. I just gave you what you wanted not to be bothered with. I feel like he is punishing me. I live with a man who is emotionally detached from me and now I’m feeling a sense of lonliness and unloved. My husband let bitterness settle in and I am having a hard time dealing with him. I don’t know if this is God punishing me for what I have done in the past or is my husband punishing me. I don’t know what to do.
Wow Joyce! That must have been such a shock to find out about this young lady. What was your husband afraid of you doing if you found out?
Liz. Let’s get this straight.. Your husband only stopped staring at women after fighting many times..then despite many times talking to him, he will still masturbate in front of you after sex. Have you talked to him about why he does this? Or just fight with him? You may learn that the reason has little to do with you at all. Would you rather he do this in private? Or be open with you about this behavior. I would think this is a topic of discussion not fighting. You need to respect what he says as his reasons and what he needs, which often is biological and not intending to hurt you. He in turn needs to hear you – which I assume is about being hurt, rejected, not being enough, etc. You need to work this out by talking honestly and openly. Good luck.
It’s so hard! I’ve been with my husband for over 11 years and at 10 years I found out he had a daughter 18 years of age he was afraid of telling me about. From a previous marriage of abuse and being a single mother of 13 years it was hard. I thought I finally found the man of my dreams. I love his daughter because it’s not her fault at all but have 100% “0″ respect for him. To top it off I lost my father a year ago to leukemia after caring for him 1 1/2 years (found out during this) my buddy! He makes it look like its all my fault. Just two days ago I said I love you but im not in love with you. He and even his friends says he stalked my fb page so I deleted him. He has a leash on me because he holds our 9 year old over me. HELP PLEASE!!!
Joyce
dear beth– tough prayer–father God i pray for beth’s husband open his eyes to seeon what he is doing to his wife and give beth guidance on what to do bring other christians along her path to encourage her, i know in the bible when peter asked JESUS on how many times must he forgive his brother you replied seveny times seven God what do people do when they get hurt all the time God be with beth at this time, she wants to grow old woth this guy show this husband on how he is hurting his wife and be forgieness and reconcillation i pray all of this in JESUS name amen i am praying for you beth
hi, my husband and i have been married over 10 years now. We have been together for nearly 13. I am 31 and he is 35. WE married young. i was naive and believed in the hope of a long and lasting marriage. just 3 months before my husband and I married I found out he cheated on me for a period of over 6 months…up until I found out. I forgave him, whole heartedly…and we married. He is in the military and we have gone through multiple deployments. 12, 13, 15 and now a 7 month deployemnt. this has been rough as we have gone through so much together. We have two children, 5 and 6 years old. Our daughter had brain surgery at age 4 while he was deployed no less….our house flooded just one month after her surgery…we have had a catastrophic move with 98% of our belongings either stolen, delivered to the wrong house, or broken…When I say we have gone through the ringer together…we have been through it…Without tearing eachother apart…the one thing that we seem to be stuck on is my weight gain after children and going on a medication. He spent the last 5 years distancing himself, rejecting me, pushing me away, calling me lazy, telling me I didnt care about his happiness or I would lose the weight…I finally did…i have lost 64 lbs in almost 2 years. Most of it came off in only over a 4 month period….I started wearing attractive clothing and he started looking at me again. He shows me attention and expects me to recipricate it. I have a hard time with this becuase of how badly he had hurt me. He let me down when I needed him most. The thing is this….if he asked me to forgive him and told me he would never treat me that way again….and was sincere, I would do it and never look back, much like that day I forgave him for cheating on me. But he makes no secret in telling me that no matter what if I gain the weight again, he will provide for me and put a roof over my head but would most likely treat me the same way he did when he hurt me in the past. How do I forgive my husband and move forward with him and grow old with him when i know his treatment of me may waiver if his conditions are met. How do I get him to realize unconditional love…I want to forgive him…What do I do?
I think the “guilt card” is one of the worst things a couple can use in an argument. It only further fuels resentment and continues to come up again and again during arguments. I like what you said about “walking in an attitude of forgiveness”. This truly is the only way to find peace in a relationship.
Hello Jane, I am sorry to hear that things are so hard for you at home. It sounds like you are in a very unhealthy situation. You said that your husband has been physically abusive, are you currently in a safe place? If you need help finding a safe place you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline or 1 800 799 SAFE. Finding a safe place is the first priority. Once you are physically safe I would strongly encourage you to seek out a marriage counsellor. From what you’ve described here it sounds like your husband is extremely controlling. He is also isolating you which is classic abusive behaviour. A professional counsellor should be able to support you as you work through what you want to do.
There’s one other thing that I hate to bring up but it’s a safety issue. Have you been to your doctor and been tested for sexually transmitted diseases? I do not know what your husband has or has not done, but from what you’ve written hear it sounds like he may be having affairs with other people. If that’s true then he has put your health at risk. If you’ve had sexual contact with your husband then you need to get tested to see if you’ve caught anything.
I can only imagine how scary it must be to even consider a different future, but you’ve already made the first move – you came here and told someone about it. I wish I could tell you that this was all just going to go away, but it sounds like this pattern of behaviour has been happening throughout your marriage. You do NOT deserve to be treated this way. You do not deserve to be yelled at, to be called names, to be locked away or forced to check in every 15 minutes. This is not what marriage is supposed to look like. Find a safe place and contact a marriage counsellor. I think you have some big decisions to make and you’re going to need support while you make them.
Hi,
My husband and i got married in 08 when i was 19. We are both strong believers and he is an active leader in the high school ministry. I thought things would be great. We did pre-marital counseling with our church and everything went great. We did everything we were supposed to do.
So we got married and on the fourth day of the honeymoon…he started getting physically aggressive. He didn’t hit me but he grabbed me and pushed me into a wall holding me there while yelling at me.
That’s when our relationship really started to change. he would apologize each time he “lost his temper” but it would keep happening. Two weeks after we got back he had one of his friends move in with us….
This young man is a homosexual. He was a friend of ours and i welcomed into our home…however….my husband started spending a great deal of time with this young man. They would be very flirtatious with each other and when i would mention it they would brush it off like it was just joking.
Soon after this, my husband just stopped wanting to be physical with me. His anger kept growing and things got worse.
I was no longer allowed to see my friends or family. I was not allowed to leave the house with out him accompanying me. He picked all of my clothes out, told me when and what i could eat, who i could and couldnt talk to. He even made us leave our church. We joined a new one…and about 3 months later he made us stop going to because he didnt like that he felt people enjoyed talking to me more than him. I didnt understand what he meant since we both were friends with the same couples.
After that he told me that we just werent going to go to church any more. The abuse got worse. the yelling, the name calling, the controlling behavior, the isolation just kept getting worse. Even his affections with his homosexual friends got more blantant. He would lock me in the bedroom while he and his “friend” would be in the living room until 1 or 2 in the morning.
He doesnt allow me to go 15 minutes with out contacting him, who i’m with, where i am, what am i doing. We work together and he is always sending me emails and making me late for work. when we are talking, in the middle of my sentences he will just cut me off and tell me he doesn’t care what i have to say and then just change the topic.
I dont knwo what to do. He refuses to go to counseling because he doesnt see anythign wrong. I do all the cleaning, the house work, cooking, shopping, managing the bills…just everything and i still try to be a good wife..i just dont know what to do.
When we are around people he acts like he is so in love with me and i start to believe it…but then when we get home, its completely different.
what do i do???
Between the abuse(physical, emotional, and verbal) the inappropriate relationships with men, the isolation…i just dont know what to do.
Hi! I have been Married to my husband for a year now but have been with him for 6 years. We have two little boys together. We have been fighting a lot over him texting other women on his cellphone but he just tells me that they are just friends of his. I have seen some of the messages that have been send to him & some of them say (What are you doing baby, miss you & cuddle with me) If this is just a friend then why is she calling him Baby. He joined the military 3 years ago & I feel as if this is when all the problems started. He made new friends with females/males. About two nights ago we got into a big fight to were I punched him in his face. I chipped one of his teeth & made a big mark down his face. I’m just wondering is there any way that God will forgive me for what I have done to my husband? How to I get my husband to forgive me? I love him so much but I let the situation of the argument get to me & all my anger came out.
Anonymous, I am very glad to hear that he agreed to go to counselling with you. Definitely go to counselling and pray and ask God to work in his life. As you’re in counselling, listen. Listen to what the counsellor says, listen to what God is telling you. You can’t marry potential or who a person might become in the future. You have to marry them for who they are right now. Go to counselling with your eyes wide open. I pray that God will go with you and that much good will come of it.
@ claire thanx for all ur honesty, like u said im in a difficult state.. im not prepared to live a hell of a life im too young but im not prepared to lose him either… i love himm so much and iv invested a lot in our relationship.. he’s shown a potential to change… just last nyt i told him all that i told u and that i wasnt going on with the wedding unless he agreed on counselling… he then said we will go… we will attend those sessions and trust God for a positive change.
Dear Annoymous,
I do not say this lightly, but from what you’ve written here I think your gut might be giving you really good information. Calling off the wedding might be the right thing to do. I don’t know you, but if I can be really honest, I read your comment and I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of you starting out a marriage like this. Listen to your own words:
- he refuses to be friends with me
- he is verbally and physically violent
- he makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong by communicating my feelings
- he gives me the silent treatment
- I do a lot of crying more than being excited for my wedding day
- he didn’t consider any of my ideas
In addition to that list, he criticizes your appearance, he doesn’t listen, he won’t pray or fast with you, he makes you feel stupid, he refuses to communicate, he feels that women are stupid, he hits people (it’s not okay that he hits people just because he has not hit you yet). You are engaged which is supposed to be a wonderful, happy time. It’s also the time when both members in a couple are on their very best behaviour. This is likely the best he will ever treat you. Are you ready for a lifetime of this? You mentioned that you are long distance at the moment, I can only imagine that this will be worse when you are living it up close and in person.
I almost never suggest that a person should consider calling off a wedding. It a huge emotional and financial decision to make, but I read your comment and I am afraid for you. Statistically speaking, men who hit other people end up hitting their spouse, it’s just a matter of time. It is possible to change if the person wants to change, but from what you’ve written here he is not interested in that. I hear you making excuses for him saying that he is “still caught up in bitterness torwards women due to exposure to emotionally abusive women in the family”. He is a grown man, and grown ups learn how to use their words and not their fists.
I know that you love him and I know how powerful the feeling of saving someone can be, but this does not sound like a healthy relationship. You wisely asked to go to premarital counselling and he refused. It sounds like he does not include you in his decision making process at all, even for things that affect you both. Are you ready to have no say in your own life? That’s not what marriage is supposed to look like. Marriage is a partnership, it’s supposed to be “you and me against the world”. But already, even before your wedding, you are being dismissed. You’re being told that your thoughts and feelings don’t matter. That’s not what love looks like. Love is not supposed to make you feel stupid.
I don’t know if the word of a stranger on the internet is worth much, but if you were my sister we would be having a really, really serious conversation about this. This is a recipe for disaster. You do not come up with stupid ideas, you’re just in love with someone who doesn’t value your opinion. That’s a really hard way to live. It’s not too late. I know that it would be really hard to call this off, but as a professor once told me in college, the pain of breaking off an engagement is nothing compared to the agony of divorce or the torture of a truly unhappy marriage.
I wish that I could tell you that you have nothing to worry about, but I can’t do that. I think that you already know that this is not a good relationship. Getting engaged is incredibly exciting and sometimes people get caught up in it, swept away before they realize what they are doing. I think that you do know. Maybe you’ve always known. If you’re not sure, consider going to pre-martial counselling alone and see what your pastor has to say. Can I pray for you?
God in Heaven,
I know that you know Anonymous deeply and personally and you love her more than she could ever understand. You know the ins and outs of this relationship that she is in. I pray that you would give her clarity. If it’s the right marriage for her, give her peace to walk into it confident that this is your very best for her. If this is not the right relationship, then I pray you would give her the strength to walk away. I pray that you would put wise people in her life, people who know her, people that she trusts, who can talk through this with her and help her to decide. I pray that you would honour her desire to pray and fast even though her fiancee would not pray and fast with her. She must be so confused and hurt right now Father, I pray that you would make a way forward for her, even when it seems like there is nowhere to go. You promised to give her hope and a future. I claim that promise for her right now. Be close to her, guide her thoughts and her steps. In your name I pray, Amen
hi im 20 n getn married with a 30 yr old wonderful man in dec… n we’ve been together for almost 2 years now. believe me he is a very good hearted man but still caught up in bitterness torwards women due to exposure to emotionally abusive women in the family which has made him verbally and physically violent (he hasnt hit me though but he hits people). that has drained me a lot emotionally coz he would take all that on me, i remember him asking photos of me i MMsd them all i could get were critics of how the hair do ddnt it me, how women were stupid to a point where i even lost my self esteem and started being inferior, i even changed my looks just to fit in.. he was also insecured i ddnt have a life at all… all these happened early last year.. i tryd dumping him but he begged for forgiveness and believe me HE CHANGED.. loves me for who i am and even asked to marry me… now my problem is i dont seem to have forgiven him for all the hurtful things he said to me last year. my other problem is that he refuses to communicate with me, when i come up with ideas in the relationship he just keeps quiet nd says “i have nothing to say” for instance we are in a long distance relationship and i have been proposing that we go for pre-marital counselling, he duznt show interest he duznt even comment and i dont know whether i come up with stupid ideas and sometimes i tend to think that the age difference is playing a big role in all this maybe he sees child that he cant discuss things with than a wife to be. this hurts me a lot i love him so much but this is so discouraging. if i tell him that i dont like this he keeps quiet or becomes defensive by giving me a silent treatment and making me feel like iv done something wrong by communicationg my feelings. i do a lot of crying than being excited for my wedding day. he refuses to be friends with me. we are both believers and ive tryd everything i could try, ive proposed us fasting, reading the word, praying together. he didnt concider any of these he just KEEPS QUIET and it makes me feel like a fool is so discouraging!!! i dont like this and i sometimes think of calling off the wedding coz i cant live like this.
Hi, i’m married to a wonderful man but one problem is he flirts with any lady who comes his way. i always catch him eventually and he asks for my forgiveness. He told me that, he knows it is a problem and we should come up with a way to solve it. Please help me here since i don’t know how to help stop it. this is because i can’t tell him not to make friends with other ladies.
Dahlia, I know that this is a lot to deal with but you need to find a counsellor. If you were bleeding you’d head to the hospital without delay. Your marriage just took a pretty serious hit. The sooner you can get a professional supporting you both, the better.
I can totally understand how it would be hard to believe him when he says that he hasn’t done anything. He just broke your trust, so when you try to trust him you can’t. Broken trust CAN be restored. It takes time, and work, but it is fixable. In the meantime, try to let go of the feelings of failure. It is not a failure that you can’t trust him right now. You have not failed in your marriage vows. This is hard, it’s really, really hard. Adding guilt and blame on top of the hurt only makes it worse. I would imagine that your thoughts are in turmoil right now, you are probably asking yourself a thousand questions. A counsellor can help you sort out what you are feeling and figure out what you need to do to feel safe and to feel like you have a little bit of control back in your own life. I would guess that things feel pretty out of control right now.
I know that your husband wants to keep this just between the two of you but burying it, ignoring it, or trying to just deal with it yourselves – those are all recipes for disaster. He has already brought another person into this by sending those photos of himself to someone who isn’t you. It’s too late for it to be just between you two, you’re going to need some help. A professional is bound by laws of privacy, what you say there, stays there and that may help both of you feel safer.
It is very tempting to think that this is something you can deal with alone, but it’s not. Whenever we have people on the site who are dealing with depression and don’t want to see a counsellor I always remind them that “You’d never try to do your own dentistry.” When it comes to our teeth, as uncomfortable as some of those visits can be we know that we need a professional. It’s the same with a situation like this. The best husband and wife on the planet would need help with this. If you had been married 50 years, you’d still need help with it. And needing help is OK. Asking for help is incredibly brave. It’s how you take care of each other.
I hope you do contact a mentor as well. I let our mentoring co-ordinator know that she might hear from you and that if she did you’d need a very experienced mentor. She said she’d keep a look out for you. I know that your world was shaken badly today, but you are not in this alone and your husband is not in this alone. This is not where the story ends.
Thank you for your quick response Claire.
As of right now we are not seeing a counselor or talking to anyone else about this. My husband really does not want what has happened to go further than me knowing. I wish we would be able to talk with someone—a pastor or something. It just so happens though, that our church is going through the transition of getting a new pastor and we do not have anyone that we would both feel comfortable talking to about such a sensitive topic.
He told me that he has not done anything as far as actually meeting with someone, but I am finding that hard to believe. I told him that we needed to delete those “certain” accounts that he used. He really does seem like he wants to let that go. As you said, he told me that he believed these temptations and feelings would go away once we were married. They have not. He seemed very apologetic and ready to end it. I feel bad though now, because I am not sure that I believe he has not done anything. I am finding it hard to long after him anymore. I just feel so hurt and betrayed. I have been feeling like such a failure in this that I just don’t know how to TRULY be in love with him and even feel comfortable with myself.
As soon as I can get free time, I will definitely try and get an online mentor.
Thank you so much
Dahlia, I am so sorry to hear that you’re facing such a huge issue so early in your marriage. That is a lot to handle. Are you seeing a counsellor or talking to a pastor? You and your husband are both going to need some support as you figure out what you’re going to do. The two of you are going to have to have some very serious conversations. Is he willing to stop pursuing relationships with anyone who isn’t you? Does he understand that he cannot be married to you and dating other people at the same time? (Sometimes we convince ourselves that we can have both, but a healthy marriage cannot live like that.) As much as you can, try to stay calm. It could be that your husband thought that when he married you these other feelings would go away. He may have entered this marriage with the very best intentions. But you have been hurt in the process. It’s going to be very tempting to pretend that you don’t know or to try and wish it all away. But it only gets better if you deal with it.
You’re going to need to see a marriage counsellor. Together with the counsellor you can figure out what you can do going forward. We will definitely pray for you both. If you would like to talk to someone privately, we have online mentors available.
I am going through this right now myself. I have no answer on how to do this and scared of how my marriage will end up. I need help! I recently got married (August 18, 2012) to a great man. We are both in the church and have dedicated our lives to God. Just yesterday I have discovered that my husband is interested in men and has been contacting them on various websites exchanging nude pictures and planning dates to meet them. I confronted him about it in the best way I knew how and he talked to me. He told me he never has done anything sexual with a man, but he just wanted to know how it goes and that hes been struggling with these feelings for a long time. I had determined in my heart to leave and never come back. Yet here I am because God told me that I have to help him. I still love him so much. But I am having such a hard time talking to him and even thinking about him without thinking about what he did. I am hurt and betrayed, and I so desperately want to forgive. But how?! I feel like it is so much to handle for me at 21 years old.
Advice and prayers would be greatly appreciated
Hi Kriz, it could be that stress at work is impacting his feelings about your marriage. What kind of work does he do?
Is there no opportunity to talk with someone where you live now?
hello jamie,
would it be possible that because of stress in his work thats why he cannot focus on our relationship?he told me that he is not happy to his work and i told him that he might need a break.i told him that we will go home and fix something but he refuses he wants to work for our future.how could that be,i want to give up but my heart and mind told me that everything will be alright.but when i said no i dont want separation he didn’t insist.we haven’t talk to any marriage councellor yet or even to a pastor but as soon as we go home in our country we will try to talk it over if he wants too.
Hi Kriz, there are all kinds of reasons that people lose the emotional connection of love. Being a part from one another for long stretches can impact that feeling of love but it is usually not the only contributing factor.
I am not sure why your husband holds it against you for kissing a previous boyfriend unless he felt that you had somehow already made a commitment to love him and the affection for your other boyfriend was breaking that commitment. It seems to me that there is some other issue that is impacting your husband’s choice to separate.
Have the two of you considered going to talk with a marriage counselor or a pastor to get an objective point of view on the strengths and challenges of your relationship? Often that can help bring some clarity to issues and be helpful in identifying ways of resolving those issues.
Is that something you and your husband would be open to?
hello,i’ve been married for 11 years now i’m 33 with one child.I have a problem with my marriage because my husband wants a separation.there is no third party involve but he told me that because of my past that he cannot forget thats why he cannot love me fully and now he told me that he does’nt love me anymore.bUT I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH AND I WONT IMAGINE living without him.he does’nt want to have physical contact with him,but were staying at the same house and sleeping at the same room but i cannot hug him and kiss him.when were in college i have a boyfriend not him and he saw us kissing but that time he told me that he loves me already,then we broke up with my boyfriend then my husband married me,but now why is it that he is telling me that he wants separation because of that.?i dont understand.what will i do?but since because we’ve been away for four years not straight because he is an ocw,is that the possible reason why he fall out of love…please help me..thank you!
Hi Yvette, What you say is a difficult one to answer. Yet, my wife & I were able to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary last week, not because we were so good to each other, but because God helped us through many difficulties. Taking time daily for Bible reading and prayer together is very important (that is, in addition to a private devotional). What I’ve learned is that we are different in very many ways, yet we can fill in for one-another, or complement each other. When the 2 of us stand together, we act as a team.
I’d say to him: “If you are really sorry for what you said, then do not ever say that again! I need more than a blanket to cover that wrong, for you need to stop the wrong in the first place. I mean, your feelings of regret need to go deeper, so deep in fact that they make a change on the inside of you!”
A married couple needs to take the time to tune into each others feelings. Only when your husband does that, will he realize what he’s actually done to you. I would suggest that you sit him down, let him read this, and then ask him to time to think about it and pray about it. You may want pray together about it, trusting that God will heal your relationship. I like point #4 in this article “Hold your relationship more dear than this issue”. If he truly loves you than he will quite hurting you. It may take time, during which I suggest you do not criticize, but encourage him in the good. There is a lot of “good” in each of us, some of which will not come out unless God helps us to express it!
Blessings to both of you, Alfred.
Yvette, It sounds like the two of you could really benefit from some marital counselling. Have you been able to talk to him about how his words affect you? If you have and he just isn’t hearing it from you, a counsellor can really help. He may have been spoken to that was as a child and assumes that it is a normal and correct way to communicate. That does not exude him, but it might be a reason. A good counsellor can help you communicate to him that unless you can resolve this issue the marriage is in real trouble. Change is hard and it takes time, but professional help can make it go much smoother. In addition, if you’d like to talk to someone privately about this, we have mentors available. Simply use this form to request a mentor and you’ll hear back, usually within a couple of days.
How do you deal with a spouse who continually verbally says mean things, yet keeps apologizing? Iam ready to just end the marriage because I have grown so weary of the madness. He expects to say whatever, apologize, do it again, and again, than wants me to be loving and forgiving. I feel like it is making me sick. I need prayer and guidance. He seems sincere, but keeps doing it.
@Iena, I understand it must be very difficult to live with someone like your husband. Often we forget that the reason a person is the way he is because they are trying to forget there past demons and are very insecure people who have not allowed to allow Christ to forgive them of their past sins. He may be singing from the same hymn book but not serving Christ as carnal Christians normally believe in the act of instead of worship.
In my life I can only control what I do or what I allow Christ to do within me as often when we try to obtain others love they will never give it to us for the simple reason they loose power over someone when they do. I don’t have the answer to your problem however I find that when I ask Christ to give me wisdom as to what I should do he will provide the wisdom. Often God allows a trial of someone in a life to help us grow as a Christian. Focus solely on what Christ wants you to do and follow him and you will gain the strength to deal with the issue. One day God may very well decide to take away the issues in a manner you would have never expected.
In my life with my work I worked with a very difficult man who I knew was sitting me up for failure so he could fire me and throw me out of the business. I seen this happening and I was powerless to stop and I asked Christ to give me wisdom as to how to deal with the problem I was having as he was impossible to work with and extreme controlling. My only goal was to follow Christ as it says in Matthew 5:11 God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you, and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers. God chose to remove the man from the situation as he was healthy and worked out and was very fit and he dropped dead of a heart attack at the age of 62 and should have lived another 20 years as he did everything as the world says to stay healthy. God will give you the wisdom, insight, and strength to deal with the situation. One day when his strength is gone he will realize he has to be dependent on someone else as the only thing you are able to do is live a Christ centered life and pray for your husband and God will show you a way through the Holy Spirit.
God Bless.
My husband goes to church but he is not able to see my point of view although when we went to family therapy they said we were singing from the same hymn sheet but disagree with how.
Well all he thinks about is if the house is tidy and I am not caring about that as I like craft and doing things. He never forgives. Just keeps bringing everything up forever. If I explain why things happen he just does not hear.
It is all I am a bad person. Never him or he will never admit he is wrong.
Hi Kimmarie, you were right to talk things through in order to work together to find a solution. Unfortunately most people don’t or can’t change overnight. It takes many conversations to find a place where the two of you can agree. It doesn’t sound like he is making good choices and is abandoning his relationship with you because it is hard work. That is too bad that he has such a poor outlook on your relationship. It will be hard for you to have your relationship healed if he is not willing to put in the work.
The place where I would encourage you to look for help is in Jesus Christ. I have seen many times where He is able to take a broken love and make it new again. You can hear one couples story if you go to http://powertochange.com/iamsecond/the-scruggs. If you would like to talk with someone about how Jesus can make a difference in your life connect with one of our online mentors by filling in the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor
I was wondering if anyone could give me some much needed advice for my marriage that is crumbling. There are so many things that have been done that I could write a book explaining things but I will try to do my best to keep it short. First of all I love my husband and I am trying hard to make this work but it is work and it’s getting to be more work than what I would like it to be. He has always been a free spirit. I will start with recent events first and then later. 2 weeks ago he just leaves the house and I had no clue where he went and he wouldn’t answer his cell so I knew this would end up bad. He went to the strippers and got drunk and drove home and went in the ditch(thank god nothing happened to him or someone else), I know is password to his email so I was looking through it because I don’t trust him and he signed up for a porn dating site and had a nasty bio about him and that he was single and more. The dating sites have been an on and off thing for the past 11 years. In 06 he cheated on me while I was 9 months pregnant with his Uncles new wifes daughter. I was and still am so hurt over this. How could he cheat on me while I was about to give birth to his daughter?? The girl he cheated on me was 19, I was sickened by this and she is in our family. That is a whole other issue that I need guidance from because I tried doing the whole family thing with her but everytime I see her and my husband in the same room I get so upset so my husband and I have come to a conclusion that we won’t go to his family things if she is going to be there and that has caused drama between us and his family because they don’t understand why we shouldn’t come around and they want me to sweep it under the rug but I don’t know how to get over this. In my heart I feel like it’s just best to leave but we have 2 children together and I feel like we are damaging them more if we stay together. I am tired of this feeling of him having no respect for me and going on dating sites. When I confront him about the dating sites he says he can’t remember when he did it and that he just wants to see naked pictures. That is another thing is that he is clearly addicted to porn and he is a drunk. We recently moved away from his family about an hour and a half away and I was hoping that this would help because his family hasn’t been the best influence as I had mentioned before about him cheating on me with his uncles new wifes daughter. I think the part that bothers me so much is that I was due to have a c-section 2 weeks before this and that he met her at a hotel, had sex, he started crying to her that it was all a mistake and came home to me that same morning and was still crying. He left the house for awhile and then we decided to try to work it out. The bottom line all comes down to trust and I don’t trust him at all. Everytime I think I am starting to trust him, something happens. We have yet to have a solid 6 months of him not doing something to make me be able to allow trust in. He also likes to call the nasty 800 numbers that lead you to call 900 numbers. I find these on his cell phone but honestly I haven’t seen them in a few months now. I need some very good advice here about my relationship and about if we should continue to stay away from his family events if she is going to be there. Thank you for taking the time to read this, any comments would be appreciated. Thanks for prayer too. God Bless.
I was with this african man for three years w were really close we had a lot in Common. I am a fee years yoinger than him but I love him. I do admit I have put him through some things, byt I hace undergone changes as well, Im not trying to be the victim here, but about a week ago we taled about some changes thst eere to be made in tge relationship if we were.going to continue. We both understood and agreed to our Disscussions a few days go by and i notice he isnt keeping his commitments to me. I call him he has an attitude, he never calls but said he.wants us to eorj out but he pyts in no effort, I am always blamed.for.hollering and fussing at.him for the way he.goes about handling things oi finalky. Git tired of the.feeling so I cursed him completely out!!! He blocked my number since then I was angry and disteaufhy I couldnt believe he played.with my mind and heart. U left a few mesages letting him know.he was wrong and.to find whatever makes.him hsppy becau see im tired.of bring blamed or belittled. He compared me to other woman andns other lives.that I hobestlt felt my love wasbt eniuvh
Hi Catherine, I would agree that your husband’s reactions are symptoms of something deeper that needs healing. Something that I often use for myself as an assessment tool of where I am at with God is the two lists Paul gives us in Galatians 5. The first one, Galatians 5:19-21, describes what our life looks like when we are trying to live life in our own strength, which Paul calls our sinful nature. The second list, Galatians 5:22-23, describes our life when we are living according to the leading and empowering of the Holy Spirit. When I look at my life through those grids I get a pretty clear picture of where the issue is and what needs to change in order for me to more and more reflect the character of Jesus Christ.
I think Paul’s letter to the Galatians would also disagree with your husband’s insistence on not looking to anyone else for help. Paul writes, “Share each other’s troubles and problems, and in this way obey the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2) The ‘law of Christ’ to which Paul refers is of course His command to “love one another in the same way that I have loved you.” (John 13:34) So out of our love for one another we all have both the responsibility to help each other in our weaknesses and also to allow others to help us in our weaknesses. James writes, “My dear brothers and sisters, if anyone among you wanders away from the truth and is brought back again, you can be sure that the one who brings that person back will save that sinner from death and bring about the forgiveness of many sins.” (James 5:19-20) Paul told Timothy to, “Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people” (2Timothy 4:2) God has always used His people to instruct, correct and encourage one another.
Let me also say, Catherine, that the more you focus on your husband’s anger the more exhausted and hurt you will be. Remember that we have been promised, “we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28) Notice that Paul says , “ALL THINGS”. That includes the struggles that your husband is going through right now. God has a plan of how He is going to use this for your good so what you need to do is look to God for His leading on what He wants you to say and do. If you are following his purposes you can be sure that He will provide all that you need to follow in obedience. In every interaction with your husband stop and ask for God’s direction for what He wants you to do. Ask for the Spirit to strengthen you in obedience. Sometimes there will be words that you are to speak. Other times you will be silent. Sometimes there will be acts of love and service that you will be directed to perform and at other times you will be told to do nothing. But when it is God who is leading you, no matter what the results, you can be confident that you have done/said the perfect thing. That takes away the stress and the anxiety and allows you to be thankful and praise God.
Heavenly Father I pray for Catherine and her husband as they go through this difficult time right now. They need Your help because it is clear that their efforts have made a mess of things. I thank You for the way that You have been leading Catherine to pray for her husband. I thank You for the conviction in her husband’s heart that he has an anger problem. I pray Lord that through these dark times, they would both discover in new ways how to depend on you for leading, wisdom and strength. I pray that You would unite their hearts in love for one another that reflects the self-sacrificing love of Jesus. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Catherine, you may find it helpful to talk with one of our online mentors about how to follow the leading of the Spirit in your life. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor and one of our mentors will contact you by email.
Bernard,
Thank you for your reply. It has given me hope and comfort. It has been difficult and painful. I try so hard to be patient and forgive but it keeps happening. Now whenever he starts to get angry I can sense it and it gives me anxiety. Some times, I can even anticipate him getting irrational that I have to tell him before I begin speaking ‘Please, I don’t want to end up in an argument again, so whatever I say, let’s try to be peaceful and not blaming (using the ‘You always’, You never’ statements)’. Too often, the conversation ends up in him being frustrated and blaming again. It leaves me tired and so wounded. And I have tried to be gentle with what I say. I have asked him gently ‘how is work going? are you under stress or pressure? ‘what are you thinking, it seems like you have a lot on your mind’. He doesn’t react like you do. My statement doesn’t ‘melt’ his heart. Instead he would lash out at me like ‘What do you think!?!….” Being kind just seems to backfire leaving me hurt again.
Some days I am in so much pain that I just feel like running away. I had this moment after he exploded after I asked him ‘who called’, then he replied, ‘why do you have to know?!?!!!!!!’, ‘it’s none of your business!!!’ Then he went on and on and got so angry, he threw his phone onto the floor. I was afraid he was going to come at me.
Since that incident, he realized that he has an anger issue. But it is not just anger. A typical conversation may end up in a loooong and draining argument where I seem to be going around and around in circles trying to explain myself. It is making me crazy. I would say something, then he would accuse me or blame me for it, and then I would need to explain, and he would accuse…on and on. I am just tired.
I have been praying for many months for my husband. I believe he needs inner healing. He believes only God can heal him and no one else. He has issues with me talking to others, but I am now at a point where I don’t know what to do. I trust God and I know He has bigger plans for my husband and I. At the moment, I am just so tired. And I am trying to heal myself but the wound keeps opening. Is it possible to keep forgiving and not hurt anymore when there is ongoing moments of being hurt? Of course I want him to get better, but how do I do this while keeping myself from getting exhausted and hurt?
Catherine
Hello Catherine,
You must be going through a very hard time and it must be very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but believe me there is still hope. I am a Christian but even then I would become angry at my wife and the kids quite frequently. She would stand up to me and be strong in my face but not aggressive or angry. Sometimes she would gently ask me if I was worried about something or why was I so angry. It would melt me. The problem may not be you but his job like it is with most men. I since have been diagnosed with depression and I am taking medications for it. I am doing a lot better and took up a sport, running which is really good for me. But the change came from the inside because my wife prayed to God for me and I went to seek professional help. I currently see a psychiatrist every so often and I am happier with all this. So I hope my personal story has helped you. Don’t act like a victim but a victor. Be strong God is with you when you put your trust in Him. God bless you.
I have been struggling with forgiveness for the wrongs my husband has done to me. He would often get angry and explosive and start yelling at me. I have told him that this behavior is hurting me and is unacceptable. For a long time he told me that ‘it is just the way I am’ and that there was nothing he could do. It was not until recently that the last explosive episode left me sooo hurt and leaving the house, that he finally agreed to talking to someone at Church. My question: how can I forgive him fully when he has continually hurt me. I forgive, then he hurts me again. A week later, another explosion and I forgive…and then another hurt..I have gotten to a point where I am sooo tired and drained. And, I know that I am probably not forgiving fully as I seem to have feelings of resentment and bitterness. If he asks me why I cannot trust him, I would bring up the past again. He says that when I do that, it is not right and that I have not actually forgiven him. Is that true?
I am at a point where I think I finally realize what it means to be long suffering.
Hello Lead,
This is a difficult situation. How badly do you want to spend the rest of your life with this girl? If you want a future with her you have to forgive her. If you won’t, or if you can’t, the you have to let her go. There is no future together with hurt and anger lying between you like a river. It sounds like you are very angry – you slept with four girls and yelled and threatened her. You cannot threaten the person you love, you’ll only teach her to be afraid of you. How can she love you if she is afraid?
I wonder if you are a man who knows God? I am a Christian and for me it is easier to forgive because I know how much God has forgiven me. Have you been forgiven by God? His love and His forgiveness can give yo the strength to forgive your girlfriend and then do the work to make your relationship a good one, one without threats. You can learn more about Jesus and what it means to be a Christian here. Read through the article and see if this is the kind of life you’re looking for. If you really want to forgive, being forgiven yourself is the first step.
Hi my name is momed ohidah from Nigeria,I am in a long distant relationship and I find it hard to forgive my girl friend.she slept with a guy that was her friend.she said she felt pity on him because he was an orphan and needed a friend.I guess they were too close and it lead to that.she told me and I really felt bad.I hurt her several times with my words.I call her names and threaten her.I really want to spend the rest of my life with her but I find myself causing and threatning her wen ever I think of how much she has betrayed me.at a time I got frustrated and slept with 4 different girls to pay back she noticed and questioned me and I opened up but she forgave me and never spoke about it but I find it hard to do the same.pls someone help me…..I really wanna let go but it looks so difficult.pls someone write me….plsssss……I don’t wanna make a fool of myself.
Hello,am currently engaged and am having a hard time forgiving my fiance for cheating on me whilst i was pregnant with our son and how he disrespected me and not protect me whilst i stayed strong for us.I am now losing myself,sanity and life,am so angry and bitter.Am asking myself on why did he do that to us,did we not matter much and am now tormenting him with reminding him of all the sins he has done.I have turned into a bad,evil person that is trapped in pain,hurt and past.I want to be a better woman,mother and wife and be happy about me.Sad part of all this is that he really is trying to rectify his mistakes and make me happy but i cant let go.Its falling apart!
Angela, I think that there are several factors at play in your situation. If you find that you cannot resolve things between yourself and your husband I highly recommend seeing a counsellor. Counsellors are very good at conflict resolution. But before we get there let’s take a look at your situation as you’ve described it here. In reading your comment I see a couple of areas where you are concerned:
1. You want to forgive your husband but have difficulty doing so.
2. You feel devalued or cheapened by the idea that he would be ok with you going topless in the hot tub.
3. You worry that his behaviour on the weekend is indicative of a deeper issue.
I’m guessing you probably also feel sexually distant from your husband – which would make sense. If he has crossed a boundary (he’d be okay with you revealing yourself to these friends of yours and you are not okay with that) then it makes sense that you wouldn’t feel as safe with him as you did before.
I think you guys need to have a good long talk. He may have no idea how uncomfortable he made you. Or may know exactly how you felt and feel awful about it and has been wondering how to bring it up. Perhaps he was kidding? Perhaps he thought you might go for it? Whatever he was hoping for or expecting, you guys need to talk about it. You need to reestablish the sexual boundaries so that you can both feel safe and secure together. The two of you need to talk about what is and is not okay in your physical relationship. It’s not an easy talk, but it’s necessary. Make sure that you don’t try to have this conversation when you’re tired, or angry. It may help to set up a time to talk about it, so that your husband has some warning and doesn’t feel blindsided by it. If in the process of your discussion you discover that your husband has some desires that you weren’t aware of or are not comfortable with, you may find that it helps to bring a counsellor in to help you sort it all out.
Second, either this is a deal-breaker or you have to find a way to forgive him. If you can’t forgive him it will do incredible damage to your marriage. You said in your comment, “I really think he is sorry.” If that’s the case, you’re in a good place. If he is sorry and he is willing to adjust his behaviour then it’s going to be easier for you to forgive him. If you feel like you can’t trust him or you fear that this might happen again then it is going to be harder to forgive him. In both of those circumstances, again, the counsellor can help.
Often when we struggle to forgive someone it’s because we feel vulnerable and we withhold forgiveness as a defensive gesture, an attempt to protect ourselves. We think that if the other person knows we’re still upset with them then they won’t expect us to want to touch them, they won’t expect sex. If you’re having trouble restoring the relationship, ask yourself if there is something that you’re afraid of. Do you feel like you need to protect yourself from your husband? If so, then that’s another conversation you need to have. Trust has been broken. It CAN be repaired, but it takes careful and deliberate effort on both your parts.
Third, I think you need to take a look at why, as a couple, you chose to put yourselves in a vulnerable position by spending the weekend with friends who do things that you do not like to do. You knew what they were into before you went. It’s a bit like a teenager going to a party where there’s going to be cocaine. Going to the party does not automatically mean that you are going to do the drug. But there’s far less risk of that happening if you avoid that party in the first place. If this was a decision that the two of you made together, what was the pressure that made you go? Were you a little curious but found you did not like the reality? Was the idea of it a little exciting? Were you afraid of being considered “boring”? Are these friends of yours that you just really missed? Did you really need to get away and this was a chance to split the cost of a cabin rental? Take a look at what it was that informed your decision.
A great way to keep your marriage strong is to hang out with people who’s marriages you admire. That’s not to say that you never spend any time with friends who don’t agree with you on everything, but perhaps when the friends have very different views on sex, you don’t spend the night with them. Years ago I had a group of friends who were very into renaissance re-enactment. I really liked hanging out with them. During the day they were friendly and informative and it was wonderful to watch the dancing and sword play. At night they got very drunk, and very, let’s say “friendly”. So we made a rule in our house that any time we went to hang out with them we came home before the sun went down. We still got to enjoy their company, but we had a boundary in place to protect ourselves. You may want to consider a boundary like that with these friends of yours.
Let me end by praying for you:
Father, I thank you for Angela and her husband. Thank you for bringing them together, for uniting them under your covenant and making them a family. Thank you that in this time of stress Angela is seeking to make things right in her marriage. She is for her marriage, not looking for a way to run away from it. Thank you that You are ALWAYS for marriage as well. I pray that you would help Angela and her husband to have a loving, honest conversation about what happened. Where apologies are needed, may they be quick to speak the words. Where forgiveness is needed, may they gently extend both grace and mercy. Where changes are needed, may they be willing to bend and stand strong for their marriage. Thank you for being there with them, every step of the way. May this turn out to be a bump and not a mountain, a signpost that leads them to stronger union and a closer walk with You. Watch over them and give them grace, in your name I pray, Amen.
Hi my husband and I went away for the weekend with some friends. We were concerned because they do go to swinger clubs and do stuff that we do not do. We talked about all of this before we went and decided that we would go because we have known them for ever and we were strong enough and agreed we wanted nothing to happen. However, when we got there he agreed with them that if I wanted to I could go topless in the hot tub! Now the woman had already wore a WHITE tank top to the hot tub. He knew how I felt and I thought I knew where he stood. It is very hard to for give him. I feel like I cant go talk to anyone to save his face, but I feel like he treated me like someone he didn’t care about.I really think he is sorry and just didn’t think. I know that I do what I do in our marriage to be right with God no matter how he acts. I just don’t know how to forgive and forget this one with out time and am concerned that it will do to much damage to our marriage. I need all prayers and advice I can get…may God be with us all.
Dearest Liz,
My heart breaks as I read your message. I am so thankful that you decided to reach out for support and prayer. There are mentors available that you can correspond with regularly, and any one of us would be glad to walk with you and pray for you daily during this very difficult time. You can request a mentor through this link: http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
First, I praise the Lord that your faith is in the right place. He alone can grant you wisdom sufficient to navigate this very serious problem. Have you considered seeing a Christian counselor? Do you and your husband attend church and do you have a good relationship with your pastor? I pray that the Lord will open the right doors and very soon guide you to the right people and resources to cope with this. It will not just go away I’m afraid. Sex addicts really are slaves to the temptation, so I pray that your husband will have the courage to seek help. Pray for him earnestly, pray for yourself, ask for the wisdom of Solomon, ask for the right timing, and the right words, then let the Holy Spirit guide you what to say as you speak to him. You have a right to lovingly and gently, but firmly, tell him what you see and let him know that you want to stand by him and support him as he confronts this. I want to pray for you now:
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for Liz. Thank You that You have equipped her with all that she needs to walk through this deep, dark valley and emerge triumphant on the other side. Thank You that You are constantly with her, and You will never leave her or forsake her. Thank You that she is never facing these difficulties alone, and that You are always going ahead of her to make a way, even when there seems to be no way. I pray that the Your will will be done in Liz’s husband’s life, as in hers and in her marriage. I also pray that you would guard their hearts and their family. Satan is so eager to steal our blessings, to destroy our relationships and kill our hope, teach Liz to trample him under her feet and to boldly hold up her SHIELD OF FAITH every time an attack comes. Teach her to use her armor and her shield of faith to DEFEAT every fiery arrow the enemy shoots. Teach her to take up the sword of Your Spirit, which is Your word, and to stand in defence of her family, all for Your glory (Ephesians 6:10-20). Lord I trust and firmly declare by FAITH that it is not too late for things to be made right, for there is always hope in Jesus’ name. Thank You Father for hearing and answering these prayers in Jesus’ name. Amen.
God bless you Liz, you are dearly loved, a precious jewel in the hand of our God (see Isaiah 62). I will keep holding you and your family up in prayer.
Your sister in Christ,
Kate
I just read your comment and my heart goes out to you and your husband. I used to be a sex-addict to pornography and I can assure you that it is very oppressive and hard to fight off. Of course, I understand how disgusted you are about the whole thing but you have to understand that your husband is slave to it. If you could pray for him I would encourage you to pray to God for him with all your heart because prayer changes things because God is great. But I cannot tell if you are a praying person or not. All I can say then is keep hoping that he will change by going to a counselor or a psychiatrist. He just need help. I pray that God will listen to your prayers and to the cry of his heart. Amen! God bless you!
Hi my husband and I have been married for 5 years now and when we were earlier in our marriage he would be so rude to me and stare at other women badly he didn’t care that I was right next to him pregnant wit our first baby. We fought a lot about that, but he stopped doing that. But one thing he can’t seem to stop is his masturbating to women on TV. We can just finish having sex, I’ll jump in the shower and for whatever reason (I say it was our Lord wanting me to walk in and catch him either to help him understand that he has a sex addiction or to let me know we are not meant to be I haven’t figured which one it is yet) but I either forgot a towel or just need to tell him something and there he is masturbating to TV. He does it everywhere the bedroom, the shower, the living room its really disgusting and hurtful. One incident recently like 2 months ago our baby wanted to go to the park he told me that he wanted to stay home, and once again our Lord made it so that I walked in and saw him. His mom called me looking for him so I had to go back home to tell him and there he was acting a offensive like he always does and he did admit that he was just about to start masturbating to some hot latina with big breast. And that hurts lot cause the,women he would look at stores almost 90% of the time had big breast and I’m don’t look like that and he knows how insecure he makes me feel when he does that. I can’t even let him on the computer or my phone cause right away he looks up women. I’m really confused why all this is happening and I don’t know what to do. I’m going to be going back to college in September but how can I go to school with focus on school and not on thinking if he’s doing that or who is he doing it to today the TV girls, internet girls??? I need your help and prayers please… Its got so bad on my behalf I sometimes feel like maybe the best thing for me is to leave him, but I don’t want to…