Comments on: When Your Spouse Hurts You: How to Forgive and Forget

By: andera nelson

andera nelson — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 05:52:44 +0000

Me and my wife to be have dated for now 4 years and I was to marry her this year but what she did last december really killed me that I had to go to hospital, I travelled to Qatar in december to try and get enough money for our marriage and up keep I talked about it with my love and she agreed and told me she’ll be okay with the distance the problem I did the time I was going she had an important exam and I went without telling since I wanted her to focus. Ahe was mad and I tried compforting her but I geuss she never took it. The first day in december she went to look for another man she never knew ill know about it but I think the protection God has on me really guides me they flirted and actually got into a relationship I called her she deniad and even got angry with me but no secret can be forever she knew I had known about it and she accepted that she cheated and said to me she was lonely and thought I had abandoned her so she was looking for me in him I forgave her and he made that man apologise too which made me trully happy, but again 5 days after she called me and told me she needed to go to a party I told her not too since my instincts were not right but she went on that night she played truth or dare and kissed another man who later found another better gal and dumped her in the strrets at night she called another man since she had no place to go. On going to that mans place she had to sleep with him since that’s the only place she had for that night she was used and they even jocked with her (they were brothers saying they could share her) she felt cheap and told me about it. In my whole life I gave her everything sacrificed my education for her went to another country for her I have had enough chances to be promiscous but I didn’t even with her friends. Am writting this whike tears are coming down my cheek, we talked about it she tries to show me she has changed I believe her but I can’t trust her not hurting me again this is the 5th time am tired but I love her please if you wount advice on this then pray for me since its been a month and it kills me daily to know I loved someone who really really betrayed me many times how will I acknowledge that this time she has changed am hurt am weak and inlove I need help

By: Jamie

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 23:20:44 +0000

Hi Okie, I appreciate the trust you have in this site to share your questions about your marriage. Can you help me get a little more perspective on your relationship? Were you Christians when you married or did that come after? How did the issue of abortions come up? What about the other revelations she has shared with you? How do you guys grow in your relationship with God together (i.e. do you pray together, read the Bible together, talk about how God is revealing Himself to you, attend church together, etc.)?

In the meantime, let me pray for you? Lord God I pray for Okie and his wife. They have been going through some rough patches since their wedding and they need Your help in growing together as a couple and in their life as a follower of Jesus. I pray that You would speak clearly to them both and help refine them to better reflect the character of Your Son Jesus Christ. Give Okie the comfort of knowing that You are in control and that You are at work even in these difficult questions. Amen.

By: okie

okie — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 16:02:49 +0000

My wife of 5 years recently told me that she had 4 abortions prior to us getting together. Also, 2 1/2 years into our marriage she told me that she had herpes. Prior to marriage STD’s were discussed and she was offended that I would ask such a thing. We both have past marriages and are now Christians. She has a cheating past and I am unsure if she has cheated on me. The herpes 2 1/2 years into the marriage makes me wonder. She always make the comment, “I can’t lie” but if something makes her look bad or she thinks it will make her look bad she lies. It seams that if you don’t lie then you don’t have to make the statement, I don’t lie”? My wife told me that the abortions were because of age the first time (18) and being selfish the other times. She had an abortion because she was pregnant with another mans child while being or becoming separated from her past husband. I love her and want to believe that she is a Christian full time and not just when others are watching. I keep praying for help in forgiving her which God is helping me with but I don’t know if I can ever trust her. Any advice or bible verse that could help me?

By: Kate

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 23:33:44 +0000

Dear Lauren,

Welcome to our site and thank you for sharing a little about yourself. Words hurt and I am sorry that you are suffering this way. As you said, it is so important to forgive, but often we find it difficult. I find the Bible’s teaching very, very insightful and helpful.

First, we know that forgiving does not mean excusing. It does not mean that you have to pretend that what happened wasn’t wrong or hurtful. It does, however, mean that you will not hold the other person hostage, as if they ‘owe’ you. In fact, forgiveness means the slate is swept clean. There is no debt. This is especially freeing for us because, actually, we can never be repaid since the hurtful word or action cannot be reversed. So, when we stop expecting to be repaid or compensated, we will feel a lot better. It will also free the person to do better and make wiser decisions the next time, rather than always feeling under the weight of a mistake they cannot undo!

Second, forgiveness is a choice. It is not about feelings. Even if we do not feel like we can forgive or want to forgive, we are still to do so. Doing so breaks the downward spiral into hardness. Rather than saying, for example, “I got hurt last time so I won’t take a risk this time” a person who knows and trusts God to deal with every detail of their life can say, “Lord, You know I was hurt, but I choose to forgive. I do not want my heart to become hard against this person that I love. Please guard me and show me how to be wise while I remain vulnerable. I trust You to care for me.” A prayer like this, especially if you decide to say it out loud every time those feelings of sadness, insecurity or pain creep up, will change the way you see things. That is part of making the choice to forgive, doing it again and again until the Lord really cleanses your heart of the pain. The wonderful thing is that when He does so, He will also work out miracles in your heart and life, and can use even the saddest of things to grow you into the beautiful woman He has designed you to be!

Lauren, do you know the Lord Jesus? Have you come to accept Christ into your life? You can find out more about how you can have a personal relationship with God through Christ here – http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose/

Dear Lord, please comfort Lauren when she feels sad, and please keep her close to Your heart. When she is near to You, in the warmth of Your love and trusting You, I know that You will help her set her worries aside. Lord, I also pray for her boyfriend, that You would be a great friend to both of them, that they would get to know You and see what wonderful plans You have in store for their lives. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

Write back anytime Lauren! God bless you,

Kate

By: Lauren

Lauren — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 08:37:58 +0000

I have been dating an amazing guy. We dated our freshman year of high school, but broke up after a year because we both wanted to enjoy high school focusing on our friends. We got back together junior year. We are now sophomores in college, and still madly in love. The problem is, though, we are having some trust issues. I am not a party girl whatsoever. He generally isn’t, but his twin brother and friends are. He is scared to tell me the truth if he smokes or drinks a few times because he knows I don’t approve. The most hurtful thing, though, is I found a message between him and an old friend. This ‘friend’ has always been out to spoil our relationship. My boyfriend said some foul things about me, but I truly believe this friend makes him act beyond immature. We have discussed the messages and the lying, and we are ready to move on. I can tell he cares about me. He has always been my best friend over the years, and I’m not ready to give up on our relationship. I’m looking for ways to learn to forgive him. My heart just aches if I remind myself of the foul things he has said about me or the lies he has told. I truly believe he is ready to move on and improve our relationship. I just don’t know how to leave the past, in the past. Any advice?

By: Claire Colvin

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 22:04:57 +0000

Cherish, That sounds like a really challenging situation. Have you considered seeing a counsellor, either with your husband or alone? It sounds like you’ve tried, repeatedly, to talk to your husband about this and he is just not hearing you. A counsellor can be very helpful as a mediator to help you have this conversation. You said that it tearing your marriage apart and I can see how it would. Counselling now could be an excellent tool to repair things before they get worse.

Parenting is always a hard journey, and step-parenting is even harder. There is no shame in needing some extra resources. It might be beneficial to bring the child to the counsellor as well. Children, just like adults, acts a certain way because it gets them something. A counsellor might be able to help you identify what it is that is causing him to act out this way and give you some strategies to work through it. I think the biggest thing is to get you and your husband on the same page. Marriage is supposed to mean that you’re on the same team – we against the world. It is incredibly hard when it feels like your partner is not on your side.

I’d encourage you to take this seriously. This is not something that you “just need to get over”, it’s an issue in your family that is unlikely to resolve all on its own. It may be that your husband has not realized how much this is hurting you. Or it could be that he has a blind spot where his children are concerned. Sometimes when there has been a divorce a parent is more indulgent because they feel guilty that the child’s home life was disrupted. But if your son is allowed to get away with whatever he wants at 10, what will happen when he’s 16 and driving?

It sounds to me like you are a woman who loves her husband and loves her three kids and is willing to do the work to be a great family. You are already doing the hard work of being the parent who sticks her ground. See if you can find a counsellor, or talk to your pastor. Tell your husband that you need to do this for the health of your relationship. Remind him that this is a step toward him, something to bring you closer not something to push you apart. You are not trying to leave you are working to stay and that’s a very good thing. If we can pray for you in this, just fill out this form and we’re happy to pray for you.

By: Cherish

Cherish — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 16:57:52 +0000

My husband and I have been married for going on nine years,, and for the most part we have had an awesome marriage. We have three children, two of which are his from a previous marriage, and then our own little Claire who just turned 5. My youngest step-son has always had trouble with authority especially with me. I always thought is was just me until I spoke to his mom and discovered he is also very disrespectful with her as well. My husband doesn’t see this though. When he’s home the child is on him like glue, so I don’t have to deal with his back talk and things so I don’t talk about it a lot to my husband. However, when my husband is at work, which is a lot sometimes he’s a farmer, I’m with all three children by myself. As I said earlier, he never sees what goes on when he’s not here so I’ve tried to talk about it. Every time he has made excuses for the child and proceeds to tell me to stop being negative towards “his child” as he calls him. I’m tired of being thrown under a bus by a ten year old then being run over by the bus driver, my husband. I have gotten to the point that I told my step son I know he doesn’t like me. I know he doesn’t. I’m the only one who makes him say his sirs and ma’ams, makes him do his chores, clean his room. It’s like good cop bad cop but only one this one child. It’s tearing my marriage to my best friend part and it’s killing me to see it. I know I should let things go at times, but I can’t have the other two behaving right and doing what they’re told while the other walks all over me. I’m tired of being ignored by my husband and hearing excuses as to why I’m disrespected by the child whom I love dearly. It hurts. It hurts a lot.

By: A-girl

A-girl — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 11:13:57 +0000

I have been there too ladies. I got hurt multiple times. Everytime I tried to work it out. It has been an year now but i Still havent forgotten a word he said to his coworker. I am hurt, its like an open wound just cannot seem to heal. All those bad memories, thoughts attack me when I alone, i used to wske up every morning crying..it hard.. Its really hard to even believe that someone u lovee sooo much could hurt you this bad.. I could never do this to him then why would he.. Why would he just broke all those promises and act like nothing happened.. Is he the same person i fell in love with.. Thinking of all this makes me feel like I am dieing inside. I love my husband so much thats why I am still with him. But all those bad memories are always here to remind me how this person broke my trust twice. I am never going to trust him again…never. I cant let go all the anger and pain from past but I will try my best to prevent it from happening again to me .. And for that I have made some changes in my life. I have to moniter my husband just to make sure he doesnt hurt me again.. Keeping an eye on him gave me a reason to continue rest of my life with him.. There multiples ways which I use to keep check on him if any of you ladies need help please email me at [address removed] Maybe whats helpIng me secure my future might help u too.

By: Elena

Elena — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 21:11:22 +0000

I have been married a little over a year now. My husband was always the guy that still talked to all of his exes, which to me sounded abnormal. sure enough, I discovered his call log and the fact that he exchanged about 3 text messages per day for about 4-5 months with his last ex, a woman that did not care for him at all. he later admitted that he still had anger inside for the way he was treated because he was crazy about her.
six months into my marriage i discovered a message sent by him (at 2am, after which he came in bed next to me) to one of his co-workers saying “I still like you a lot too. make sure you delete the text messages” I was going to school and I didn’t have time to go to counseling. I threw him out of the house, but he never left. I had to eventually forgive him and i managed to forget after i spoke to a friend that went to priest-school. last week i went to a hospital where that co-worker of his was doing her rotations (nursing school) and she passed me by twice, looked at me like she owned me and also sent her little classmates to take a look at me(of course, I have to be ashamed of my husband’s mistakes, I cannot be respected because he put me in such a low position..not only emotionally cheating on me, but also telling her to be an accomplice, the lowest, poorest choices I’ve ever heard of) ever since, I’ve become a b*tch to my husband again, I tell him to start looking for girl-friends because i will never make him babies or I cried telling him he made me feel like less of a woman, because i was full of hope when we started out, I went from serving raw chicken to making my own marinades from scratch..I’ve given too much and have had my dreams crushed.
I secretly hope our marriage will fail so that I don’t have to accept half-persons in my life.
he doesn’t want to talk about it, is defensive about it and even had a few episodes that require anger management classes.
I need to forgive, forget and be able to love again. please advise, thank you so much for your time

By: Brenda

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 12:05:09 +0000

Hope, I am so sorry to hear of the pain you are experiencing in your marriage. Have you and your husband discussed pastoral counselling or Christian marriage counselling? Often an unbiased third party can help us to see areas of our behaviour toward our spouses to which we have closed ourselves. It is so important that we do not allow family members to come between us in a marriage, even our children. The Lord directs us to leave our father and our mother and cleave to our spouse in Genesis 2:24: ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” [NKJV]

Also, may I suggest that you ask your husband to begin reading and praying together over the Scriptures? Even fifteen to 30 minutes daily in reading and praying together over the Bible and/or a marriage devotional can transform your marriage and your attitudes toward one another as the Lord works on your hearts. One marriage devotional that I would definitely suggest is “Moments With You” by Barbara and Dennis Rainey, and you can find their devotional at the following site called Family Life:

http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.3930045/k.4B3B/Moments_with_You_Daily_Devotional.htm

This devotional can be ordered in your inbox daily, and the Raineys also have edited a marriage devotional Bible in the NKJV called The Family Life Marriage Bible, which has wonderful articles and suggestions in it for both husbands and wives. I highly recommend it as a wonderful devotional reading tool for individual and couples’s reading.

Our Lord Jesus is our our wonderful Healer and He will always direct you in the Way you should go. I pray that He blesses you and your husband, and that He lays His hands on your marriage and binds the two of you together in His eternal love, Hope. I ask these things in the holy and precious name of Jesus our Lord. Amen.