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I am a mother, but I don’t have a child to hug. I can’t brag about my baby’s first steps, the first day of school or graduation. I have no photographs. But I am a mother. My children are in heaven.
After only two months of “trying” my husband and I were thrilled when our first pregnancy test came up positive. We couldn’t believe our good fortune. Although I was terribly sick throughout the first trimester, our enthusiasm for this new journey never wavered.
Life and death
After experiencing extreme stomach growth in my second trimester, we were relieved – although slightly overwhelmed – to discover at 18 weeks that we had not one, but two little ones growing in my womb. We embraced the news with enthusiasm, albeit slightly tempered by the knowledge of the road ahead. Things were definitely about to change. Fortunately, we didn’t really know what the road ahead held.
Just prior to 20 weeks – after only 2 weeks of getting to know our twins — our world was shattered when my water broke, and I went into pre-term labour. To this day the words I heard that night echo in my head.“I’m sorry, there’s nothing we can do.”
That night I held my sweet baby girls for the first and last time.
Everything stripped away
After losing our girls – Avery and Sophie – my life consisted of doing what I needed to in order to survive. I wandered around with empty arms and an empty heart. My saggy stomach and full, aching breasts were just some of the reminders of the dreams that had been lost so quickly.
Although I was functioning in the most basic sense of the word, in the months that followed I felt like I was drowning. Nothing could pull me out. I was angry, confused and struggling to deal with my grief. I felt very alone.
Everything I used to identify myself my was stripped away. My job, which I had found so fulfilling only days before, felt empty. Instead of being something I eagerly talked about and engaged in, it was a chore. I had to go, but found no joy in it.
I was still a wife, but even that couldn’t take the smallest edge off the pain. My husband had an unbreakable commitment that sent him across the country for six months. Although still part of a couple, I was completely on my own. And he was alone too, working through his grief in hectic and unfamiliar surroundings.
What I knew about God
In this very dark place I found myself questioning God for the first time in my life. I am a logical person, and have lived my life that way. To me, if God says it, it is true. Therefore, there is no room to question. But in the months following the loss of our daughters, I fought to reconcile what I knew about God with what I felt about Him.
I knew that He loved me and had a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11). I knew that He had promised to never leave me or forsake me (Joshua 1:5). But I no longer felt either to be true. I felt that by questioning Him, He would certainly walk away from me – if He had not already done so.
I realized that some of these promises I knew about God had a big “if” attached to them in my mind. In my thinking, however unintentionally, the promises were conditional. God would never leave me or forsake me if I never got angry with Him. He would never turn his back on me as long as I never shouted questions at Him.
In a time where all I could find was anger and questions when I spoke to God, I was sure that He had turned his back on me. In my mind He had every right to do so. My journal was filled with anguish, raw emotions, and fury.
God’s promises do not change
As time went on, God clearly showed me that He had never left. Instead, He waited until I was ready for Him. He showed me how He had walked the journey with me. Only then did I realize the full extent of what He meant with His promises.
Not only did He refuse to leave – He was an active participant in my life. He cried as I shouted in pain, He sheltered me when I could take no more. He whispered encouragement when I lay alone in the dark at night. It was only as I stepped away that I felt the separation. I created the distance between us, He never did.
God’s promises are not conditional. The strength of His promise lies in what He can do, not what I do. I can choose to distance myself from God. I can have unconfessed sin in my life that takes away the closeness of our relationship, but I cannot alter the truth of His promises. My questions cannot lessen who He is. My times of doubt do not diminish His strength.
I know now that when my heart cries out in unendurable pain, the sound of it does not drive Him away. He pulls in close and whispers the promises I have read so many times but am only beginning to truly understand. He loves me in ways I haven’t even dream of yet and He will never leave me.
As my husband an I walk our journey of grief a year and a half after the loss of our girls, I continue to see that God is walking every step along with us. He walked through the shock and raw pain of our initial loss. He was there as the ache of another pregnancy loss shook us to the core. He is still journeying with us as we deal with all the emotions that a third pregnancy has brought along. And I know, regardless of the outcome, that he will continue to walk this journey with us. God is bigger than my questions. His promises do not change. As I place my life in His hands, I will not be disappointed.
More Personal Stories
Unreasonable joy: Heather’s mom walked her own journey
Unthinkable loss: Miscarriage and stillbirth
Tags: God's promises, loss, pregnancy, promise, questions, spiritual growth
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I really so blessed reading your article entittled Re-Learning the Promises of God. I relate this story to my life now because I am now facing an illness that difficult to know and to accept in my life due to my children. I was diagnose a breast cancer last February,2009. When I heard this news from my Doctor, I felt so depressed and I asked question also to God, Why He let me to have this kind of illness and out of a million people of this earth Why Me? But God has every purpose in our life and He only want us to learn how to trust Him, seek on Him, ask and find Him. And it is true that God never leave nor forsake us. He just want to warn us that we are His Children and He chooses us. Praise God that now I am healed by His stripes. All we can do is to accept the situation and continue to serve Him no matter what kind of illness that we will have. Just focus to serve the Lord and follow His will for us. God bless you and more power!!!
Hi Heather!
It is so good to read stories like yours to help us realise that God is always there with us, throughout our joys and sorrows. It also helps us to know what is God’s will for us and encourages us to keep our relationship with Him, despite what challenges we face.
May God continue to be with you and your husband as you work in his vineyard.
As i read this story this morning, i couldn’t do anything but weep… i have walked the road too, of losing twins and four other pregnancies too… we have now come to a bridge of both sided fertility problems, and although its the most challenging road my husband and i have ever had to walk, i will continue to trust in my Fathers promises and love, for i know He has plans for us too… i also know that Infertility is not from God, and as scripture says in 1 John 4: 17, as He is so am i in this world…
Heather, may Gods richest blessings be upon you and Your husband, and may your arms be filled… but more so may God always fill your heart with His unfailing love.
God Bless.
After reading your experience, I just felt prompted to pray for you. God’s promises are true, I’ve experienced them and May God continue to fulfill them in your lives. His Word says ” What shall separate us from the love of God………..Nothing”. God loves you so much and he is happy that you’re sharing this testimony. Personally I’ve been moved and strengthened by your experience. May God richly bless you two and may he bless you with the desires of your hearts as you continue walking this journey of life.
Dear Heather,
thank you so much for your story. I myself have a similar story. In part I thought well, the Lord gave the Lord take it away who am I to question Him? But I come to realize God must of the time does not always answer us the way we desire Him to do. Many times we forget who’s in command we need to follow. Well, Heather reading your story led me to know and realized that I have never truly allowed myself to grief for my child, and I believe now it’s time that I do. And know that God our Father is able to more concerning you and me about us being a mother than we realize.
In the 25 years we have been married, I have lost six precious babies with miscarriages. I’ve watched and listened to my sisters have their babies and all the phone calls with conversations about their kids soccer, school, birthday parties, recitals, etc. I love my neices and nephews and at the same time I am more lonely and mad about not having my own family. God made the world because He wanted a family of His own, I understand that. I’m going through lots of anger and don’t know which way to direct it – I need an outlet – maybe to write this helps. I keep very quiet and don’t complain even to my husband about the daily pain I still feel from the quiet home that we share. I listen to the neighbors laughter with their children and grandchildren. I see a family in the grocery store and the mother fixes her little girls hair and strokes her back and I am filled with envy and pain for the littlest things – intimate closeness – that only a family can bring. My husband is a work-a-holic and I don’t know where my place is – other than by his side. So, I just give it to God, lay it at His feet, but I am dispairing in my heart, for no-one else to see… and I will NOT be comforted… on this earth. I’m 45 and there is only a slim chance that I will have another baby, but I’m still praying for the Lord to give me a son or daughter – in His mercy. I’m just asking for prayer, for the bitterness to leave me and for me to forgive myself for failing to bring my babies into the world (for what-ever reason). Thank you for letting me vent and please pray. God bless your ministry.
Dear Heather and all who commented,
I clicked through on this title because I too needed to be refreshed in the promises God; I am an angry, heart broken woman these days, tired of the crushing pain life can throw at us. My circumstances are different, but I related to your entire story. As I read, I needed to stop several times and cry with you. I hurt with every detail and my heart shattered at your words.
The intensity of the grief made me shift my focus from me, to each of you. I pray my thoughts inspire you to not let go of hope. Your hope is safe in the hands of the Almighty and here’s why….Romans 5,
“…and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
Hold on to the fact that God does not disappoint. He is our hope and He is faithful!
And still another, this is from
James 5:10-11
Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.
The Lord promises to reward our faith and to trust Him to come through for us. When Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John10:10, he meant that not only for the life to come, but in this life as well. Your words have forever changed me, Heather, and I will pray for every desire in your heart to be fulfilled, because “Oh, what a testimony you will have!” You will bring us all to our knees in tears, then to our feet in cheers, all to His glory!
I really hope I’m not too wordy but, lastly, this is to Marianne,
Hold on to hope, sweet woman, it never disappoints. Pray away bitterness by practicing the presence of God…He is right beside you. Look for Him in everything because He’ll show up. Your age is not an obstacle for God, not even a blip and you did not fail to bring your children into this world. That is a blatant attack from Satan. Reject those thoughts immediately.
The Isrealites have a name for the Lord who protected and fought the physical and spiritual battles(like hopelessness, guilt and bitterness)they faced so often. Moses made a banner and held it up over their camps during fierce wars. I will pray that the Lord’s banner is held over you. The name of the Lord who fights for us is “Yahweh Nissi”, “The Lord our Banner”. This banner, or the Lord Himself, is your identity as it was theirs, your protection as it was theirs, and your certainty of victory over every enemy or circumstance. You too will have a testimony for the ages and it will turn so many to God! He will not let you down. Marianne, even if by your fingertips, hang on to hope. I will be praying for you the whole time, I won’t forget, I promise.