My Son Died of SIDS

Written by Marvin Job

sidsZac, my 1½ year old son and myself were busy getting our new home in shape for the arrival of Spenser Tyrone Job.  We had just moved into our house a couple days before.  We still needed railings on the stairs, tile in the front entrance and a lot of boxes unpacked.

Spenser Tyrone Job arrives!

Val gave birth to Spenser on March 27, 1987.  As much as your children change your lives from their birth onwards, I never expected the changes that laid ahead for Val and myself.

Spenser was one of those kids that could eat a great meal (bottle) and then throw up half of it on you when you weren’t looking.  I remember one time heading into town with Zac and Spenser (three months old)  and seeing the two boys holding hands and just talking to each other.  To me it looked like they were planning their first 2-on-2 basketball team.

Four and a half months went by very quiet.  It was now mid August. Val just left with Spenser to help cook at Camp Tulahead.  For one week Zac and I were on our own.  I didn’t realize then that in six days my life would take a change in a direction that would affect me for the rest of my life.

I remember Sunday morning looking out of our upstairs living room window seeing the neighbor kids and their parents play by the swings at the park down the street.  They were laughing and having fun.  A car drove up to the mailbox across the street, the lady picked up her mail and left, just like many others did. People were walking on the sidewalk, cars were going up and down our street.  Everyone’s life was moving at its normal pace.  No one seemed to care that my world had come to a complete stop, that even though I may have looked normal on the outside I was in so much pain on the inside that I felt as if there was a hole blasted through my chest – only it wasn’t a clean hole.  The edges of the hole felt as though they were torn all around and the entire way through.  I didn’t know that you could feel so much physical pain from an emotional loss.

Spenser Tyrone Job is now with Jesus

The day before, Saturday, August 22, 1987, Spenser died.  I was young and didn’t expect life to through me a curve like that.  We were camping at the group campsite at Allouette Provincal  Park with our young couples group from church. Val met Zac and me there on the second day of the weekend as she came straight from Camp Tulahead.  Spenser had a minor cold that week and was a bit crabby, probably from the long drive. I remember putting Spenser to bed on his stomach, in the tent, on top of one of our sleeping bags. Twenty minutes later I went back to check on him. He was in a different position, very quiet and face down into the sleeping bag.  As I rotated his head to help him breathe better while sleeping, I saw blue colouring around his month and under his nose.  As I shook him to wake him, major panic struck my body. He wasn’t waking up. The next thing I can remember was running out of the tent carrying a limp Spenser yelling, ”He is dead.”  From then on until the ambulance came is a fog to me. All I remember is that a friend of mine did CPR on Spenser until the paramedics took over.

The next few hours were very draining on Val and myself.  We spent those long hours praying, not even knowing what to pray for (to live or to die as Spenser had been without oxygen for quite some time) and we spent time crying.  As I think back, I don’t even remember where Zac was, except that he was with one of our friends.

What now, God?

Zac was two years old then.  Even though we tried to tell him his brother was now with Jesus in heaven I don’t really think it made real sense to him.  That next day I saw Zac sitting on the property peg in the back corner of our lot, so I went out to see what he was doing.  He told me that he was making a phone call to God to see how Spenser was doing.  It wasn’t till a month later that Zac would cry wondering when Spenser would come back.

That next day on Sunday, August 23, I remember a lot of people coming and going and I remember, as I said already, looking out of our living room window.  The rest of the things I remember happened on the inside.  Have you ever wondered what to think? What to feel?  What was happening?  Life did not prepare me for the death of my son.  The emotions that I had were all mixed up and included the normal emotions of loss, and heartache but with an added sense of non-reality. At times I expected Spenser to start crying for food, the next minute I was trying to make a deal with God to trade places with Spenser.

Was it my fault?

I had feelings of guilt for what had happened.  I really didn’t want to deal with Spenser on Saturday because he was grumpy and crying.  What kind of Dad would not want to spend time with his son after not seeing him for the past week?  For the longest time I felt I killed my own son – that I put him on sleeping material that was too soft that he could suffocate on. Even after the autopsy came back, death by Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, I questioned for a long time and still to this day wonder if I wasn’t so disinterested in dealing with a crying child, would I have paid attention more to how I put him to bed.  Would Spenser be alive today?  Did I kill my own son?

Isolation began to set in quickly.  None of my friends could relate to what Val and I were going through.  Our thinking changed.  Many things became trivial.  Our reason for having another child, as hard as it seemed to us at the time, was to have more than one just in case another one dies.  When I would look at someone’s baby I wouldn’t look to see it smile, I would look at the chest or back to see if he or she was breathing.  Some of my friends didn’t know what to say to me, so they didn’t say anything.  Two years later one of my friends came up to me in tears, finally able to talk to me normally as we did before.

Over the next few months and years, although less frequent with time, my emotions which I never had before, were uncontrollable at the most inconvenient of times. I was told that time heals.  Well, I discovered that in time you also forget.  It was good that in time I forgot the pain of Spenser’s death, but it was forgetting his voice, his touch and his character – I would feel guilty that I was forgetting my own son.  I felt ripped off that my friends got to have all their kids grow up with them and what memories I had were fading.  To this day I only have a few real strong memories of Spenser and find myself guarding them.

“I will never leave yWill Never Leave You”

Hebrews 4:12 tells us that God is always with us, He will not leave us.  I learned this as a young boy.  I started to grasp for something that was constant in my life, something that would not change, someone that was there yesterday and would be there tomorrow – God.  God became a stronghold in my life.  On that Sunday morning of August 23, 1987 as I looked out the window of my living room at the normality of life in the presence of my chaos, I remember feeling glad that someday I will see my son again. I also felt sad that some of the people in the park across the street playing with their kids more than likely do not have that same assurance of salvation that will make reunion in heaven possible.

During this time my relationship with Val became a more important part of my life.  We heard that child deaths cause many marriages to break up.  I could not understand how that could be, as I wanted Val close to me more than ever.  We went through our grieving together.  We needed each other.

Jesus Gave His Life for Us
One thing I have come to understand a little better through my time of grief and years of contemplating the short life and death of Spenser, is that I would not want to give one of my children’s lives up for others – to the point of death so that others could live. God did just that. In the verse John 3:16 we recognize that God the Father gave us His only son Jesus to die on the cross, but do we realize what God the Father must have gone through seeing his son hang on the cross.  If I had the power to save my son I would have.  God had the power to save his son and yet He chose not to.  God loves me so much that He chose to allow His son to die for me.

I know in my own heart that God had a purpose for Spenser’s life.  I trust that one day, when I meet Jesus face to face, I will know and understand completely God’s plan for his life.

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46 Responses to “My Son Died of SIDS”

  • Alfred says:

    God is soverign. I can feel with all these brave parents that have shared their stories and their grief. Our first child died 2 weeks before he was born, then 2 years, to the day, our daughter was born. What a way God had of covering that wound! In 2 days, that will be exactly 49 years ago.
    It’s quite something that you can say: ”My son brought me more happiness in the five months he was alive than he has sadness in the 10 years he’s been gone” yet that doesn’t stop your yearning for him. What a blessing to know that we are firstly Spiritual beings, and therefor can look forward to a meeting in eternity. I pray that we may be able to get away from “self-blame”, as it takes so much joy out of life. When God has forgiven, then He’s also forgotten! The past is to learn from and not to drag with us. I think these words say it so well:

    I AM
    As I was regretting the past
    and dreading the future,
    I heard my Master’s voice:
    He said, “my name is ‘I AM’”
    He paused; I waited.
    He continued:
    “When you live in the past, it is difficult,
    I am not there; my name is not ‘I WAS’.
    When you live in the future it is difficult,
    for I am not there; my name is not ‘I WILL BE’
    But when you live in the present it is easy,
    For I am here; My name is ‘I AM’!”

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Jason and Toni, I am so sorry to hear about your grief and I am so glad you felt comfortable sharing it with us here. I can’t imagine how hard it is to have that mysterious diagnosis hanging over you like that without any real answers as to why it happened.

    My first encounter with death as a child was with the death of a child like yours. My dad was a pastor and led a funeral service for a family whose baby had died. My folks got my sister and I to sing a song “Children of the Heavenly Father” ( and that hymn always transports me back to that day, singing “safely in His bosom gather” and seeing the great grief on the faces of the child’s parents. I doubt our song brought much comfort that day, but I do hope that it helped remind them of the truth that God is near in all circumstances and is ready to help us walk through the darkness of loss and grief.

    One line that sticks in my head is the final verse, “Though He giveth or He taketh, God is own doth ne’er forsaketh” As you have walked your dark paths and Toni as you help your daughter on her journey, have you experienced God’s presence with you?

  • Toni Nielsen says:

    I lost my first born from SIDS when I was 20, that was In 1981. Steven was 4 1/2 months old. 6 weeks ago my daughter’s baby girl passed away from SIDS. Surely it has to be hereditary, I can’t understand why it’s not being followed up. My heart is breaking for my daughter as I know exactly what she’s going through and the torture you put yourself through blaming yourself. I just can’t believe this has happened again in the one family….

  • Jason says:

    Today marks the 10 years anniversary of my son’s death. Jace Owen Thomas took his last breath during the early morning hours of May 23, 2006 and to this day, it still doesn’t make sense. I was out of town at the time and there were extenuating circumstances, but the coroner still ruled it as SIDS. I’ll never understand how a perfectly healthy child can just stop breathing without cause and after years and years of research how science has not advanced enough to stop labeling these untimely deaths as “unexplained”. My son brought me more happiness in the five months he was alive than he has sadness in the 10 years he’s been gone, but it doesn’t stop the yearning to know how life would have been, could have been for him. Self blame is constant, but I know deep in my heart that there was another reason for this. But not enough importance was put on my sons life during the investigation and he was chalked up as “just another one of those SIDS babies”.

    My heart goes out to all that have suffered through the anguish of losing a child to whatever this “SIDS” is. I can only hope that none of you ever have to struggle with believing that it was something else but no one cared enough to prove otherwise.

  • Kathryn Kathryn says:

    Dear Cathlyn, I have just read your story and note that it will be a year tomorrow since your Caleb died and went to be with Jesus. Reading the whole article and then the sad stories of so many people here on this page is hard, so hard, No matter how long it is since our child died, we never ever forget. I thank God that there were people who helped us through and because of that, we are able to be there for others in a similar position. That helps I know but the pain continues lessening a little year by year as we realise that one day, we shall see our small child again and know as we are known. I thank God for faith to believe in eternal life and accept that He is already teaching our children all they need to know in a place that far exceeds all the pleasures of this world. Bless you Cathlyn and all the other brave parents reading this.

  • Cathlyn says:

    My son passed away May 3, 2015. It is almost exactly a year to the day he died. The autopsy reported that he passed from Diabetic Ketoacidosis but he was never diagnosed with Diabetes. He was three years old. I still can’t believe he is dead. I want to be like the other parents that don’t have to experience this pain. I just want to go back to our life with Caleb in it. My husband and I are getting through this together. I am more sad that my daughters will not get to experience life with their big brother. I blame myself for not seeing that he was sick. I hate that I never got second opinions when the doctors would say he only had a common cold. I wish I would have been more involved in my medical care when I was pregnant and after since Diabetes runs in my family. I just feel like I am exploding on the inside and no amount of therapy or support groups can help. I miss my son.

  • Sharon says:

    to Temekia I am sorry for your loss we do serve a mighty God great comment I am glad you found comfort in the word of God and got married and had more children I am happy for you. God bless you all– sharon

  • Temekia says:

    So sorry for your loss I pray that God has provided you with peace that passes all understanding.

  • Temekia says:

    Dear Laura, I too have experienced a lose due to Sids on Aug. 6,1997. He was my first born child. I also questioned that entire day and the events that lead up to me waking up to a non breathing child. I was hurt, angry, and felt overwhelmed with grief. I questioned God repeatedly looking for answers. So I took too the bible and also found comfort in it. Especially John 3:16, but Psalms 23 carried me. I feel like I have something in common with God now. He gave up his only begotten son for us in so did I. Even tho it was against my will, he provided me with peace that passes all understanding. I have learned that he doesn’t close a door without opening a window. My fiance and I decided than and their that the day his life ended we would begin our new life together. So we got married a year later on that day Aug. 6,1978 and are now proud parents of four beautiful children. He gave us triple the boys and a bonus princess. We have now been together for 23 yrs. Married for almost 18. What a mighty God we serve. Thank u for sharing your story May God continue to bless u always. You have made me feel so not alone I had never had counseling or a support group. We chose too lean on Gods unchanging hand and for that we are grateful. Sincerely,
    Temekia H.

  • Sharon says:

    to Stacie and Megan my deepest sympathies to you all for the death of your babies I pray God comfort on you all I am sooo sorry for your loss my sister in law lost a baby to SIDS too it is such a sad thing for families for a thing like that to happen I am praying for you both— sharon

  • I just commented below I don’t know how to edit things but it put question marks and I can’t delete it it was supposed to say may all of our baby’s fly with the Angels without any question marks my apologies…but anyways just wanted to share my story as a parent that lost a 41/2 month old boy also…mama loves you Angelo De La Cruz I always will my chunky bug and if I had a flower for every time I missed you I could walk in my garden forever! July 31st-December 11th 2015 my baby love

  • I’m so sorry. This is hard to hear. I lost my son two months ago Dec 11th 2015. I took a nap with him and when we woke I woke up to make a bottle my baby’s father walked in we talked for a minute and he said you should check on him. I nudged him a little and he didn’t move. My baby’s father had just lost his 5 year old nephew so he immediately freaked out jumped up and rolled him over and screamed. I panicked when I saw him. He looked peaceful but was purple and grey everywhere. We knew he had passed already as we tried to do CPR but didn’t want to accept that. Fluids were coming out of his nose and there was a slight scent when I went to listen for breathing I frantically called 911….At the hospital they called time of death and our world crashed around us… They told us he had passed an hr or more before we discovered him not breathing. I am forever broken and I feel that hole and that guilt like I shouldn’t have laid him on his stomach. In a way I felt comfort knowing that I’m not the only one that’s felt like this. May all of our baby’s fly with the Angels

  • Stacie says:

    I am sorry for the loss of your son. My son passed away at 3 months old. I was 19 yrs old and my husband was 21. I went through everything you said you did. 15 years later I stick ask the questions but am more satisfied with knowing I was blessed to have had my son in my life for the time God allowed me. My husband and I did not make it through together. Could be our age at the time.

    We made the choice of organ donation. My sons heart, liver and kidneys were able to allow 3 other families to keep their loved ones. All 3 are still alive and well. I took solace in knowing my son lived on in spirit and in these 3 people. 1mo baby boy, toddler boy and 58 yo Man.

    My faith was rocked and I didn’t know how I could be failed like that! Over time I have learned to trust my faith again and there was a greater purpose for my son. I now have 3 more children who have yet to be told about their brother whom they never met due to their age. I do believe they have met my son without knowing it. When they were toddlers they would have an imaginary friend who they called their brother. All gave the same name which is my son’s middle name. When they sleep ever since they were babies and had a rough day would giggle in their sleep.

    They have their brother looking after them and that warms my heart.

    Life is precious no matter how long we get to be apart of it.

    It is 15yrs ago today that I came home to my ex husband performing CPR and calling 911.

    Prayers and thoughts go out to all those who have little angels in heaven and for your hearts to heal!

  • Aldo says:

    Mary Mac, thank you for your encouragement to those who are suffering the loss of their newborns, and for your prayers for the research into a solution to SIDS.

    May God continue to use you effectively in ministering to those that are hurting.

  • Mary Mac says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss. So glad you have the strength of the Lord. I am sure all these children are playing together in heaven and we will be reunited.

  • Mary Mac says:

    My sister just lost her beautiful three month old son. It is so painful. I am thankful for the comfort of Christ and pray for redemption. As far as research it is my understanding that there might be a couple links to genetics- both heart and neurological defects. A study in new York showed low serotonin. Praying the doctors can figure this out. It is too late for too many of these precious souls. I love my nephew. There will always be a place in my heart for him. I love my sister and her husband.

  • Heather Stewart says:

    Thank you Elkay for your response. Many many years ago that “Why” question was there but in time I learned that God had special plans for my son, and that is why he is my guardian angel. He has looked over his younger siblings all of their lives and has guided them to be whom they are today. They know they have a special angel looking out for them!

  • Elkay says:

    Heather, I can feel your love for your 6 week old coming through your story so very strongly. Thank you for that rather than asking the “why” question that plaques so many. My brother died from at 22 years and I share your thoughts about what would he be doing now, married to whom, children of his own and the like. I am not sure of the theology behind this, but in “Heaven Is For Real”, Colton Burpo described how everyone was about the same age, in the prime of life so we can at least hope to have answers to our questions one day. When King David lost his son, he said, “I shall go to him.” (2 Sam 12:23) so at least we have the assurance that innocent children who die early are in God’s presence and just maybe they are in fact our guardian angels. God really does know what He is about even when we are saddened and perplexed. And with Paul, we can say, ” Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” Amen.

  • Heather Stewart says:

    I just read your story…amazing! I myself lost my son at the age of 6 weeks old to SIDS. Today would have been his 25th birthday. We had a busy day that day, went to a carnival and I should my handsome little fellow off to all my friends. We went home exhausted. I remember putting him down to bed around 11 pm. In his bassinet I put a softer pillow in it for him to lay on because I thought he woulD be more comfortable, not realizing (I was only 19) that it was way to soft for a baby and he wouldn’t be able to move his head around As well. After sterilizing bottles and making formula for the next day, I went to bed around 2 am. I checked on him and he was fine. The next day, I didn’t wake up until almost noon, when the phone rang, I answered it and I looked at the clock to see what time it was and realized my baby hadn’t gotten up at all for a bottle, so I rushed into my room, only to find him deceased. I screamed so loud, and hung up the phone and called 911, there was no saving my little boy, he was Gone. The autopsy said SIDS and time of death was around 230 am. I still think back to that night/day and wonder why did I do that? Why did I put him on his stomach, but back in 1990 they always told you to lay your baby on their stomach. He has been my guardian angel for almost 25 yearS now. Not a day goes by that I don’t have some thought of him, what he would be doing now? Especially since my other children are at the ages of graduating high school, getting married and starting their own lives. I just want to know what he would look like. Thank you for sharing your story, just remember you will always have a guardian angel watching over you!

  • Laura says:

    Dear Mrs Corona,
    I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter and the loss of her little baby boy, Lorenzo.
    I went through the same as your daughter, the only difference being that my baby boy, Lee, who passed away on the 2nd of December 2012, was in his own bed when it happened. Please tell your daughter this: it happened to us even though Lee was in his own bed! My husband and I actually feel that we should have had him with us in the bed and then maybe it would not have happened… And yet, both your daughter & I ended up with the same result. There are no proven causes to SIDS, but that doesn’t help with the guilt that any parent feels when his/her child dies suddenly in their own care – I feel the exact same. If you scroll down through the stories you will find our story (Laura). Myself & my husband were lucky to be supported by very considerate & knowledgeable doctors & services. But even despite this we don’t have any answers (the post mortem did not shown anything wrong with Lee, he was described as a healthy, well looked after baby boy. And I’m very sorry to hear that your daughter has been let down so desperately by everyone but you and your Mam.

    There are two books that I’m almost sure will help your daughter, they are:
    – ‘Holding on to Hope’ written by Nancy Guthrie, (ISBN 978-1-4143-1296-5)
    – ‘Safe in the arms of God’ written by John MacArthur (ISBN 978-0-7852-6343-2)
    If you type them into you should be able to get a copy of each. But if you have trouble getting them, please let me know and I’ll send you mine (live in Ireland).

    I was especially saddened to read about your daughter losing custody of her other child as well and wonder if there is any way that you could challenge the custody decision, if you could provide the proof (from doctors) that your daughter was not able to attend the court case?! Unfortunately, I cannot give you any advice on that, as I am not a professional, but it doesn’t seem right to me that the judge would not be informed of this.

    Finally, I wish you and your family all the best and will pray for you both,
    Regards, Laura

  • Kisty Corona says:

    Mr. & Mrs. Job, My deepest condolences. I am the grandmother of Lorenzo Jasiah Lamas, he became a angel on Jan. 11,2014. He passed away of SIDS. Unfortunately , my daughter has not recovered since. She was told by CPS that it was because she was co=sleeping with her son. When in fact the medical association have 50% agree that babies are more comfortable with parents. Any way, from the beginning of thinking she did something wrong my daqughter, 26, was told she did by her husband who is divorcing her. His family was horrid to her qat the funeral. The whole thing just gets worse my daughter also has a year old that since she was in an mental institution during court the first hearing and he did not tell the judge she thins my daughter just did not show up, they gave him custody denied her a lawyer and we don’t have the resources as he does so my daughter is inflicted pain constantly. I cant imagine what it is to be her so alone. Me and mom are all she has, everyone is telling you need to do this you need to do that and my daughter is so off balance she has been to several mental wards. I just got home from the er and they admitted her agaqin, she weighs 82pds. I am scared I am scared she will die and I don’t know how to help her…..please any one….advice.,..,suggestions?? [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information]

  • Chris says:

    flora…i regret terribly your loss….we know medical science has achieved much but has much to improve on even still. during these times is when we really do need the comfort and strength that can only come from God himself. jesus, who knows what it is to suffer, can come to the aid of those who draw closer to him. for more information on knowing the comfort of christ in your heart and life log onto… or click talk to a mentor above for more personalized attention. i pray jesus would be at your side today and every day so that no matter what problems you may face, you know his greatness in leading you in, through and out of them for his glory amen

  • Flora says:

    I lost my cute, happy baby girl while she was 6 months old, because of Presbyterian weil cornel hospital in New York mistakes. At firstthey did me delivery on wrong date that was the main problem but we couldn’t do anything it’s long story that why we couldn’t do anything… and after baby was born, while she was 6 months old we took her for vaccination, and 3 days after vaccinations she felt bad and in ER they killed her, that much simple. Even the Pediatric was from same Hospital. the nurse who did the vaccination in doctor’s office was an Evil.
    I wish all of them will feel the same pain on their skin from their doctors. you even can’t imagine how this much simple they could kill an innocent baby.
    Here is Anger, off course I am when there is no medical justice.

  • Sharon says:

    to Tracey— my deepest sympathies on the death of your son Karter may God comfort you at this time. my sister in law lost her child to SIDS it is such a sad if I can call it a disease. poor families who lose children to this I pray God can comfort them at the time of their\ sorrow I am praying for you.

  • Chris says:

    zena…i am so sorry to hear of this poor litle girls death. without having all of the investigative facts, its really hard to make a judgment and that is why God does put civil authorities in place, to make a proper and thorough investigation. jesus said that there was nothing hidden that would not be brought to light so whether in this world or the next, justice will be served. may jesus confort all those needing confort and convict all those needing conviction i pray in his name amen!

  • Zena Berkeley says:

    My best friends 14 month old daughter (Alexcia) died Sept.20,2012, and we still havent got any answers. Alexcia’s dad had taken her for a visit, and when they were in the car driving he had noticed what looked like to him she was falling asleep with her head back, he thought nothing of it. so when he got to where he was going he took out of the car seat put her on the couch. he went to use the bathroom, and chatted with his friend. (is where they drove to.) he went to look back and she hadnt moved , he thought that was odd, and wennt to look and her mouth was blue, immediately he did CPR on her and still nothing, the paramedics tried to revive her, but she was gone. ,so after the ambulance came and cops they arrested the father of Alexcia. He was devastated. Everyone thought he killed his own daughter, the next day he got released from the holding sells. her mother was devastated. she didnt get to see her child until 4days after she died, and without her brain and spinal cord . Now the mother had everyone believing it was the father who killed his own daughter, I personally heard both sides of the story, the father is harmless, and is grieving in pain everyday. We still havent had any answer to why she died. Anybody have and thoughts on this?? ?she was a healthy, precious little girl, only 14 moths old.

  • Zena Berkeley says:

    My best friends 14 month old daughter (Alexcia) died Sept.20,2012, and we still havent got any answers. Alexcia’s dad had taken her, and when they were in the car driving he had noticed what looked like to him she was falling asleep with her head back, he thought nothing of it. so when he got to where he was going he took out of the car seat put her on the couch. he went to use the bathroom, and chatted with his friend. (is where they drove to.) he went to look back and she hadnt moved , he thought that was odd, and wennt to look and her mouth was blue, immediately he did CPR on her and still nothing, the paramedics tried to revive her, but she was gone. ,so after the ambulance came and cops they arrested the father of Alexcia. He was devastated. Everyone thought he killed his own daughter, the next day he got released from the holding sells. her mother was devastated. she didnt get to see her child until 4days after she died, and without her brain and spinal cord . Now the mother had everyone believing it was the father who killed his own daughter, I personally heard both sides of the story, the father is harmless, and is grieving in pain everyday. We still havent had any answer to why she died. Anybody have and thoughts on this?? ?she was a healthy, precious little girl, only 14 moths old.

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    How I wish that I could just give you a big hug right now because words really are inadequate. But the fact that you are mourning Jeremy even more right now isn’t that unusual…..having a newborn again reminds you of all that you went through with him. Do you have your newborn on a breathing monitor? That would be helpful for you I think and give you some peace of mind. What you are going through isn’t unusual at all.

    Let me pray for you right now:

    Dear Heavenly Father,
    I lift Nancy up to you right now. She is grieving the loss of Jeremy again in a fresh way with the birth of her newborn. Thank you that You are the God of all comfort and You will continue to comfort her the way only you can. Help her in the days ahead to trust this new life with You Lord. Calm her spirit and give her peace. Amen.

  • Nancy says:

    On Friday Sept 13, 2013, I lost my son Jeremy to SIDS. He was a healthy 6 month old boy. It has been nearly 11 months ago that he had passed. I also have a 3 weeks old newborn and you would expect having another child would help the Mourning part but it seems that I start to miss Jeremy even more. I’m terrified, when my newborn sleeps for too long I feel the need to check and wake him up. I can’t stand going to shower and leaving him alone for quick second.

  • Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.

    Lord I lift up any parent who have lost a child in death, that I know that all children are protected by our Lord and that Your children are in the arms of Jesus. I have never had children, so I can only comfort you with his love to you all who have had a loss. lean on His grace and He will sustain you with all of the love he can give to You all. In Jesus Mighty name Amen

  • mama t says:

    I lost my son Benjamin. on October the 7th 2013. what I don’t get is that my mother’s second born child died from SIDS. and now my second born son has died from Sids.

    I talked to the Research Foundation for SIDS.
    I was shocked to find out that they’re not doing research
    I have bruised my brain with all the things I’ve read about SIDS
    trying to figure out if there was some kind of thing I could have changed.
    what to find out that my case it was hereditary. not from a doctors appointment few but from my point of view
    but two cases of SIDS in two generations back to back second born son
    you think somebody would care enough to look into it
    I saw the signs. there are signs. I miss my baby ben.
    but we’ve been donating for 29 years. they don’t want to find out what happens with our babies
    I’m not trying to be mean I’m just saying……
    why has nobody asked me was there a sign. because there is clear signs.
    we may not be able to prevent it but at least we can prepare for it.
    I’m just glad I got to spend as much time as I could with him.

    I love you Benjamin. and I will not stop until somebody questions me about the signs of two babies dying in two generations

  • Laura says:

    Sorry, the part where I mention the things that I found in the Bible are no. 2, just realised that I only mentioned no. 1 :-)

  • Laura says:

    Rhoads, I’m so sorry for your loss. I get notifications of followup comments left by email ever since I posted my own distraught message nearly one year ago. I want to be notified, yet I get a shock and have to brace myself before opening yet another story of parents going through this horrific ordeal. That’s how I opened yours. I know that the messages I have left don’t sound like that, but I feel the very same confusion in relation to God (essentially), it’s the same one I struggle with every day: why does God allow children/innocent people to die/suffer. They didn’t deserve this, they did nothing wrong. I don’t know about you, but to me it feels like it is absolutely everywhere. My eyes are opened to all the suffering & pain in the world now and I get very down days, missing our boy. Everybody is obviously different in the way they deal with things, my way has been reading: I was trying to grab onto anything and everything that I possibly could, grasping for straws really.. I read books on dealing with the loss of someone, grieving, coping after the death of a child, research pages on the internet on SIDS (it’s how I found Marvin Job’s story on this page), pages on God/faith, the meaning of life, the bible etc etc. And the strangest thing about it was: I couldn’t just read a book from start to finish, I kept just flicking, finding bits here there and everywhere! But you know what: I learned a lot! Mostly I learned that there are no answers and I am starting to believe that we’re not supposed to know everything. Death is so definite, when you lose your child, what do you have left? For me there are two things: 1. I cannot believe that my son is just gone. And the interesting things is that of the parents, that I have spoken to, who have lost a child as well, all believe that they are still somewhere. And for me that makes sense: what is the point to anything otherwise? Why do we love our children? If there’s nothing after this life isn’t it all so very pointless? Why make a beautiful world like this, let people have feelings and then, when they die, just say: tough luck, this was all there was to it! That doesn’t make sense. If that is God, I don’t want to know him. I got a lot out of my random searches in the Bible. The book shop I bought it in (didn’t have one) only had the Good News Bible, so I got that, which suits me because it is normal English. I found loads of things, the best one (that helps me to focus on when the days are really hard) is: Isaiah 65, verse 17 to 25. Here God says that he is making a new earth and new heavens!! Now that’s more like the God that I believe in, that -to me- makes sense! He says: the events of the past will be completely forgotten. He even goes on to say in that part somewhere that babies will no longer die in infancy and all people will live out their life span. Those who live to be a hundred will be considered young. This will be a good world, that’s what it says if you read it. And the New Testament is full of the fact that Jesus is going to return one day and he’s going to save us. And you know what: that’s all you and I, and everybody in the world, have got really, if you think about it! Disasters and suffering hits so many, nobody really escapes. I don’t know, but I feel that maybe we’re here to learn to live life in a good way, so that we’ll know in the next one and it can’t go wrong again! I have to believe that all is not lost, that I will see my son again and I’m sure that’s the same for you. It says somewhere in the bible that ‘To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see.’ Just looked it up: it’s Hebrews 11, verse 1. And then: Romans 8, verse 24 ‘For it was by hope that we were saved; but if we see what we hope for, then it is not really hope.’ And in a book called Holding on to Hope the author, Nancy Guthrie (after losing two children), describes that what she believes, is not necessarily how she feels. But that her belief does make a difference in how she feels. That is the same for me. And I think that’s as far as the answers go in this life, that’s what I’ve found so far anyway! I wish there was more I could do to help you and your wife as well. I’m holding on to life with everything I’ve got, for my husband and my two boys, that’s all I can do: stubbornly believing in the hope of seeing my third (baby) boy again! Mind yourselves, Laura

  • Rhoads says:

    I too have lost a child. On Nov. 5, 2013 my beautiful daughter, Rachel Anna Lee, passed away of a brain hemmorage. My wife and I are having such a hard time dealing with this and I am not sure where my faith lies. I pray that she is with God and is happy.


  • Laura says:

    Hi Miranda,

    I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful baby girl. Losing your child is one of the worst things that could happen in anyone’s life and I’m sorry it happened to your family too. The blame and guilt haven’t left me, a year this week since my son’s death, and I doubt very much if they ever will. Instead I am trying to live with it, asking Lee (my son) and God for forgiveness and the strength for me & the remainder of my family (my husband and two older children) to carry this in our lives. There is one thing that helps me through in my deepest moments: to think that all is not lost, even though it sure feels like that! But no matter what happens in this world, in this life, it is not the end of the story: we will one day see our loved ones again in Heaven. The way I see it is that if we are truly sorry and try to learn from mistakes in the past, God has provided a way to put things right in the end – for eternity! That is something I never really thought about before this happened to us and I now can’t wait to go there one day. My life on this earth is not finished yet, because I have a duty to love and care for my husband and two other children, but my reward will hopefully be waiting for me after that! I read a really good book that helped me to see it from that perspective, it is called ‘Safe in the arms of God’ by John MacArthur, I hope it will help you and your husband too. It actually addresses parents’ feelings of guilt. Nancy Guthrie also wrote some very good books, one of them is called ‘Holding on to HOPE’. And also: difficulties in your relationship with your partner are very ‘normal’ (for lack of a better word, afterall: what’s ‘normal’ in an extreme tragedy like this). What we have learned is that, both parents have to deal with their own loss, that is not something you can do for each other unfortunately. It’s been described to us as two people carrying an extremely heavy load: neither can let go, because the other can’t carry the load on his/her own… The good news is, however, that this doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship, whether or not he is ready for another child/children. Don’t believe all of these statistics that practically tell you that your relationship is doomed to fail now. They are not true, who’s to say that people that break up after losing a child, wouldn’t have broken up anyway – ie. without being in a situation like this?! There is a lot you can do: talking is one of the main things, listening to each others feelings, going to a counsellor together if talking is difficult, giving each other a hug, generally just being good to each other. You will find that you and your partner can actually grow closer together if the will is there on both sides. There is a lot to fight for, your little girl, who would hate to see the two people she loves most separating for one! You and your husband will be in my prayers. Take care, Laura

  • Miranda says:

    On Jan 9, 2013 I lost my baby, Catherine Elizabeth Lafferty to what the coroner listed as Sudden Unexplanable Death of Infant. I guess that is the technical term for SIDS. It has been over a year, and some days I feel like I am fine, and then sometimes, it hits me so hard. She was the most beautiful human being… She smiled ALL the time, and even when she cried, it was almost polite sound. I coslept with her, b/c I just couldn’t stand to be apart from her long enough to sleep a whole night. I feel like my selfishness led to her death.

    This is the first time I’ve really talked about her death in more than just passing and now that I have this all written, I realize that no one has posted a comment on here since Jan 31. She would have been six months old on Jan 31… It’s like my heart breaks a little more every day.

    On top of my old grief, I must help to shoulder her father’s. He blames himself, more than anything. He was such a wonderful father, but he can’t see that beyond her death. Even though it was labeled as a SEDI, he still doesn’t believe that it was beyond our control.

    I am now to the point where I want to think about having another child, and I want desperately for it to be with him, but I don’t know that his heart will ever open to the idea of having another baby. It breaks my heart that after everything we have been through, this will be the end of us.

    It is comforting to know that I am not alone, but I hate that this has happened to anyone, and, selfishly enough, especially myself. I would give my own life for Catherine, if it meant she could live. The only thing that kept me going so far was the idea that we will see each other again someday…. And now the idea that I may be able to give her a little brother or sister to watch over.

  • Barbara Alpert Barbara Alpert says:

    Dear Alfred, This article, Laura’s comment, etc. touched your heart in a deep way for a reason! God does not want you to carry around that guilt anymore. He wants you to mourn over the loss of your stillborn child (even though it was many years ago) and release that pent up guilt to Him. It is so good to hear how your wife pulled through the ordeal and perhaps now is the time for God to pull you through the remaining remnants of that season of loss. God is so great in knowing when we, His Children, are ready to deal with a certain issue of concern that He wants us to surrender. Alfred my prayer for you today is that you surrender that ‘guilt’ to God and allow the Lord to fill you with His peace in that area.

  • Alfred says:

    Dear Barbara, Laura has done a great job at speaking to your hurt. What more can I say than relate our story: Charlotte & I had been married for 4½ years and were expecting our first child. I was starting a new job, looked after our vehicle, had my hobby in electronics, and was hardly aware of Charlotte’s needs and feelings. She said we should get a bed, as it was difficult for her to get up from our mattress on the floor. I was there, but not really with it. Within a month of the due-date our baby died! Our baby, David Arthur, was still-born! I was shocked!!! My lack of support was certainly felt by my wife, and maybe even more so by him. He’d apparently tangled himself up in the umbilical cord. If David would not have a dad that cared, then what would be the point of living??? That was in May 1967. I have for years not been moved to tears about this, but just now I am. There are still feelings of guilt (46 years later) that I cannot shake! My wife was very brave, and God did a great thing for us in that a daughter was born to us, 2 years to the day, after David’s birth. The wound was at least partially covered. As Marvin so clearly put it, events like this lead us to seek the Giver of Life, and help us to see the bigger picture. We visualize ourselves on a journey in a perspective of eternity.

  • Barbara Alpert Barbara Alpert says:

    Dear Laura, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious little boy, Lee. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are feeling or going through at this time of grieving. It is very important for you to open up and reach out to others as you go through the various stages of grief. Are you and your family seeking any pastoral or counseling help in dealing with this sudden loss?

    Never feel as though this tragedy was your fault. The doctors confirmed that your child was a healthy, vibrant, and well taken care of child. The thoughts that you feel…as though you are not a good mom…are lies and you need to tell yourself that you are a good mother and what has taken place is not your fault. Know that the Lord is with you and He seeks to strengthen you so you can continue to be a wonderful mom to your other children that need you.

    God’s word says in Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Laura, The Lord wants to heal your broken heart and set you free from all that false guilt and shame you are carrying inside of you.

    It may be very beneficial for you to read a few books on loss and grief. The more you know about the cycles of grief the better you and your entire family will be equipped in handling this precious loss.

    Here are a few books that may be of help:

    Changing Course, Healing from Loss by: Claudia Black
    How to Recover from Grief by: Richard Detrich
    How to Go on Living When someone You Love Dies by: Theresa Rando

    Also, have you considered to join a grief recovery support group? If not, you may want to find a local one that you can attend. Here is a link that will help you to find one in your local area:

    At this time, I would like to pray for you:

    Father God, I lift Laura up to you this day. I ask that Your Holy Spirit comfort her during this time of sadness, loss, and grief. I pray that You would protect her mind and heart from the lies of the enemy that make her ‘think’ it was her fault. I pray that You would place the right people into Laura’s life that will be able to support and encourage her through this season of loss, sorrow and grief. Lord, Your word says that You are close to the brokenhearted and that You save those crushed in Spirit. I ask that Laura may feel Your presence this day as You lift her spirit up. May you blanket this entire family at this time with Your peace. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen

  • Laura says:

    Your stories are very close to the night that keeps playing over and over again in my head: the night of the 1st/2nd of December 2012, in which we lost our beautiful baby boy, Lee. He was 4 days away from his 1st birthday and we found him in the same way as Jennifer describes: under the blanket, but very peaceful, as if he was asleep – his handies were up either side of his head, as he used to have every other night, in a sound sleep. It is so difficult at the moment. The guilt is eating me alive, because -unlike Jennifer-, I am convinced that at some stage during the night I heard a shout. I don’t know when and with the shock of finding him, initially I didn’t even remember. Later I thought: Oh God, I think that was last night!!! He shouted sometimes, had only done it two days before, during his midday nap: I got a fright, looked, but he was fine. I softly said: it’s ok, is ok and he was back asleep. I had said to my husband that evening that I was convinced that he was dreaming. That night, the night of Saturday the 1st/2nd of December, unlike any other night, I didn’t check (I’m always ‘doing the rounds’ at night to check on all 3 of my boys). WHY DID I NOT CHECK!!!!! I want to shout it out to the world. The doctors tell me that the shout was more than likely not related. They point to SIDS and say that a lot of babies are found in unusual positions in the cot. I keep thinking that he might have been under the blanket and somehow couldn’t get himself from underneath?! Anyone I have talked to now: the doctors, the specialist who did the post mortem etc. all tell me that -because he was pretty much a year old- he would have been able to kick/pull the blanket off and that he would have done more than just one shout. He was such a sturdy, healthy boy, able to roll & move about no problem. But why didn’t he?! The night before, Friday night (30th of November), he had woken up, I had given him a bottle and he had gone back asleep, perfectly happy as normal. The preliminary post mortem results show that he did not suffocate and the doctor told me: he was a 100% healthy, well looked after baby – how did this happen! In my head the fact remains: had I checked I may have been able to save him! Oh God, I was his mammy, he needed me!!! We had a wonderful year and I used to be sure that I was a good mammy to my 3 boys, but maybe he lost his life because of me… I am so ridden with grief and guilt.

  • shelley anderson says:

    Dear Father God
    Lord i want to lift my my brother to You at this time in his life. I pray that you will help them in this situation in there lives. Jesus love you and wants to be a friend in time of need and He never leaves or forsakes you. In Jesus Mighty Name Amen

  • Brian Markin says:

    My son also died unexpectedly from SIDS except that he was in his crib face up. He was 4 1/2 months old. His name is Joshua. According to the doctors, there is nothing that we could have done. I still feel guilty regardless. Your story helped me. Thank you.

  • Lisa Green says:

    I am so, so very sorry to hear about the loss of your precious son. I lost my first on Wednesday, August 23, 1989. I was just 14 years old @ the time. It was very traumatizing. As I’m sure your loss is as well. Its just not supposed to happen! Our loses are two years apart, almost to the day, wow. I bet our babies are busy playing together in heaven. God bless you. God bless your family, including your wonderful son. One day we will be reunited with our angels. <3

  • Leah says:

    Dear Jennifer,

    My heart goes out to you, I could not imagine the pain that you are going through. We offer free and confidential mentoring, the mentor that you will be matched with will walk with you through this time in your life. If you would like a mentor please fill out this form

  • Jennifer Arroyo says:

    It is so painful, and I constantly ask WHY!?!? My son, he is gone now, and I am so mad, so sad, i feel empty, and at times i feel numb. i hate this, i hate it so much! i just want him back, i just want to hold him and tell him everything will be ok, but i can’t. he didn’t even cry, if he had we would have been able to save him. how does this happen? wouldn’t he have tried to survive. my son was asleep on his back, and i found him with his blanket over his face- but couldn’t he have pulled it away or moved his head to the side, i don’t understand…

  • Roxsann Barros says:

    I found great comfort in reading your story…I have recently lost my son Micah in the same manner that you lost your son Spenser. He was only 2 1/2 months old. Every feeling that you described I am feeling right now. Im glad to know that this pain will subside somewhat.It helps to know that these feelings,emotions and most of all guilt that my boyfriend and I share about what happened to our son are exactly what you felt. Your story has given me hope. You and your family will be in my prayers. God Bless our Children.


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