My Son Died of SIDS

Written by Marvin Job

sidsZac, my 1½ year old son and myself were busy getting our new home in shape for the arrival of Spenser Tyrone Job.  We had just moved into our house a couple days before.  We still needed railings on the stairs, tile in the front entrance and a lot of boxes unpacked.

Spenser Tyrone Job arrives!

Val gave birth to Spenser on March 27, 1987.  As much as your children change your lives from their birth onwards, I never expected the changes that laid ahead for Val and myself.

Spenser was one of those kids that could eat a great meal (bottle) and then throw up half of it on you when you weren’t looking.  I remember one time heading into town with Zac and Spenser (three months old)  and seeing the two boys holding hands and just talking to each other.  To me it looked like they were planning their first 2-on-2 basketball team.

Four and a half months went by very quiet.  It was now mid August. Val just left with Spenser to help cook at Camp Tulahead.  For one week Zac and I were on our own.  I didn’t realize then that in six days my life would take a change in a direction that would affect me for the rest of my life.

I remember Sunday morning looking out of our upstairs living room window seeing the neighbor kids and their parents play by the swings at the park down the street.  They were laughing and having fun.  A car drove up to the mailbox across the street, the lady picked up her mail and left, just like many others did. People were walking on the sidewalk, cars were going up and down our street.  Everyone’s life was moving at its normal pace.  No one seemed to care that my world had come to a complete stop, that even though I may have looked normal on the outside I was in so much pain on the inside that I felt as if there was a hole blasted through my chest – only it wasn’t a clean hole.  The edges of the hole felt as though they were torn all around and the entire way through.  I didn’t know that you could feel so much physical pain from an emotional loss.

Spenser Tyrone Job is now with Jesus

The day before, Saturday, August 22, 1987, Spenser died.  I was young and didn’t expect life to through me a curve like that.  We were camping at the group campsite at Allouette Provincal  Park with our young couples group from church. Val met Zac and me there on the second day of the weekend as she came straight from Camp Tulahead.  Spenser had a minor cold that week and was a bit crabby, probably from the long drive. I remember putting Spenser to bed on his stomach, in the tent, on top of one of our sleeping bags. Twenty minutes later I went back to check on him. He was in a different position, very quiet and face down into the sleeping bag.  As I rotated his head to help him breathe better while sleeping, I saw blue colouring around his month and under his nose.  As I shook him to wake him, major panic struck my body. He wasn’t waking up. The next thing I can remember was running out of the tent carrying a limp Spenser yelling, ”He is dead.”  From then on until the ambulance came is a fog to me. All I remember is that a friend of mine did CPR on Spenser until the paramedics took over.

The next few hours were very draining on Val and myself.  We spent those long hours praying, not even knowing what to pray for (to live or to die as Spenser had been without oxygen for quite some time) and we spent time crying.  As I think back, I don’t even remember where Zac was, except that he was with one of our friends.

What now, God?

Zac was two years old then.  Even though we tried to tell him his brother was now with Jesus in heaven I don’t really think it made real sense to him.  That next day I saw Zac sitting on the property peg in the back corner of our lot, so I went out to see what he was doing.  He told me that he was making a phone call to God to see how Spenser was doing.  It wasn’t till a month later that Zac would cry wondering when Spenser would come back.

That next day on Sunday, August 23, I remember a lot of people coming and going and I remember, as I said already, looking out of our living room window.  The rest of the things I remember happened on the inside.  Have you ever wondered what to think? What to feel?  What was happening?  Life did not prepare me for the death of my son.  The emotions that I had were all mixed up and included the normal emotions of loss, and heartache but with an added sense of non-reality. At times I expected Spenser to start crying for food, the next minute I was trying to make a deal with God to trade places with Spenser.

Was it my fault?

I had feelings of guilt for what had happened.  I really didn’t want to deal with Spenser on Saturday because he was grumpy and crying.  What kind of Dad would not want to spend time with his son after not seeing him for the past week?  For the longest time I felt I killed my own son – that I put him on sleeping material that was too soft that he could suffocate on. Even after the autopsy came back, death by Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, I questioned for a long time and still to this day wonder if I wasn’t so disinterested in dealing with a crying child, would I have paid attention more to how I put him to bed.  Would Spenser be alive today?  Did I kill my own son?

Isolation began to set in quickly.  None of my friends could relate to what Val and I were going through.  Our thinking changed.  Many things became trivial.  Our reason for having another child, as hard as it seemed to us at the time, was to have more than one just in case another one dies.  When I would look at someone’s baby I wouldn’t look to see it smile, I would look at the chest or back to see if he or she was breathing.  Some of my friends didn’t know what to say to me, so they didn’t say anything.  Two years later one of my friends came up to me in tears, finally able to talk to me normally as we did before.

Over the next few months and years, although less frequent with time, my emotions which I never had before, were uncontrollable at the most inconvenient of times. I was told that time heals.  Well, I discovered that in time you also forget.  It was good that in time I forgot the pain of Spenser’s death, but it was forgetting his voice, his touch and his character – I would feel guilty that I was forgetting my own son.  I felt ripped off that my friends got to have all their kids grow up with them and what memories I had were fading.  To this day I only have a few real strong memories of Spenser and find myself guarding them.

“I will never leave yWill Never Leave You”

Hebrews 4:12 tells us that God is always with us, He will not leave us.  I learned this as a young boy.  I started to grasp for something that was constant in my life, something that would not change, someone that was there yesterday and would be there tomorrow – God.  God became a stronghold in my life.  On that Sunday morning of August 23, 1987 as I looked out the window of my living room at the normality of life in the presence of my chaos, I remember feeling glad that someday I will see my son again. I also felt sad that some of the people in the park across the street playing with their kids more than likely do not have that same assurance of salvation that will make reunion in heaven possible.

During this time my relationship with Val became a more important part of my life.  We heard that child deaths cause many marriages to break up.  I could not understand how that could be, as I wanted Val close to me more than ever.  We went through our grieving together.  We needed each other.

Jesus Gave His Life for Us
One thing I have come to understand a little better through my time of grief and years of contemplating the short life and death of Spenser, is that I would not want to give one of my children’s lives up for others – to the point of death so that others could live. God did just that. In the verse John 3:16 we recognize that God the Father gave us His only son Jesus to die on the cross, but do we realize what God the Father must have gone through seeing his son hang on the cross.  If I had the power to save my son I would have.  God had the power to save his son and yet He chose not to.  God loves me so much that He chose to allow His son to die for me.

I know in my own heart that God had a purpose for Spenser’s life.  I trust that one day, when I meet Jesus face to face, I will know and understand completely God’s plan for his life.

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58 Responses to “My Son Died of SIDS”

  • Sebastian's mam says:

    I deeply appreciate the kindness of each one of you who took the time to write to me –thank indeed Cristina, Kate and North’s mommy. There is nothing more comforting for me now than human warmth and benevolence!

    I would like very much indeed to exchange feelings dear North’s mommy but your e-mail address is blocked. What could be the way to get in touch then? I am not very familiar with this kind of websites.

    I am working hard on my grieve but the tinny butterfly that manages to get out of a black cocoon in my heart in a second of hope, is lying dead next morning or even only a couple of hours later… These past few days had been particularly hard –close to the 4th I guess. I seek refuge most of the time in my husband as well but, although we love each other very much, it may be somehow overwhelming for him to have to deal with his own pain and on top receive my profound depression continuously –sometimes I sort of worry thinking if whatever me comes out of this trauma would be lovable, if I will manage to become a better human because of this terrible pain and not the contrary… Some others I think that the immense love I feel towards my baby makes me automatically more and better human… but what if it does not get to be transforming energy?
    I guess although I cannot give much at the moment, my soul needs to feel very much loved now to try to heal. It is precisely the love of my husband, whom I love even more seeing him almost exactly duplicated in our son, one of my solid anchors to life. When I feel myself incapable of ever coming out, it comes his “we will get through this together”…

    Dear Kristal/Renee, my heart still in pain as if I had lost my son a few days ago, embraces yours! There are no words to pacify a mother’s heart in such a pain –we know it now! But feel the quietness of my sincere company even in the distance and, if somehow is for you of some relieve, you can count on my ears!
    I honestly, being naturally strong, have not being able to process it all on my own, I am still in therapy and I do not see myself even half way there. Could it be maybe an idea to get some support for yourself?

    A big hug to you all and I hope, a peaceful weekend!
    LoVe
    Marina

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Oh KristalRenee, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Let me pray for you: Dear Jesus, I pray for KristalRenee as she and her family mourns the loss of their precious daughter. I ask that You would bring people around them who can comfort them in this loss and help carry the load in this difficult time. Bring strength to KristalRenee as she faces the crushing sadness. Speak Your comfort to her as she struggles to know why this has happened. Amen.

    KristalRenee, do you have family and friends with you who are able help you and support you through your grief?

  • KristalRenee says:

    My only daughter just died 3 weeks ago .I’m so depressed. Why me? I want my baby soooooo bad.

  • KristalRenee says:

    omg i feel like you my baby just died 3 weeks ago im so depressed i want my baby sooooo much

  • North's mommy says:

    Sebastian’s mum.. My daughter passed away January 12th 2015 after only ten days of life. I know your pain and have also felt that and have asked why he would take my baby and why I only got ten days with her. All I ever wanted was a baby girl and I was so happy when she was born. She was perfectly healthy and I just didn’t and still don’t understand. Plus I have read over and over that SIDS doesn’t happen til 28 days of life.. You are the first mum like me that has lost our healthy babies to SIDS before 28 days. I have started praying and thanking God for the ten days I had with her instead of asking and being angry with only having ten days. Even though I still wonder why and I am still angry I only had my beautiful girl for ten days. But we have to think of it like some people don’t even get one second with their sweet babies. I share a special bond with you that I wish neither one of us had to bond over. If you want email me and we can talk more I would love talking to someone other than my husband that can understand my feelings. My email is [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information] I am sending so much love to you and I know we will both find some sort of peace and our babies are always visiting us. Lots of love xoxo

  • Kate says:

    Dear mum of Sebastian, my heart breaks for you too. I am grateful you found our site and had the courage to write your “wild catharsis” because we are here to be there for you. We are here to support and pray for you. Let me pray now:

    Father God, we mourn, we wail, we scream, we sob, we cry, we ache, we feel sadness, sorrow and shame, and we need You to be our shelter in the midst of this awful storm. Father, I am lifting up Sebastian’s mam to You because You care for her and my faith is in You to enable her to crawl, weak-kneed, heartbroken, whatever it may be, but always toward You, toward Your embrace and comfort that cannot be gotten anyplace else. I don’t have the words, just the heart You gave me that longs for her to know Your goodness out of all this tragedy and pain. Bless her Father, Spirit minister to her, in Jesus’ name I ask.

    The thing I remind myself when I am faced by troubles and sorrow is that what God accomplished by the cross is known to us now by FAITH, not by sight. We are still living in the broken world, marred by sin, suffering, sadness, sorrow, disease, destruction, ignorance, abuse, greed, ingratitude, evil and darkness of many sorts. God’s salvation from sin and all its corollaries is only known and grasped by faith in Jesus, because by sight the world is in a condition, and even your individual life is in circumstances, that seem to testify that God is uncaring, unresponsive, unwilling or unable to fix. The whole point, of the Christian life is to live lives that testify to the goodness of God and the salvation accomplished by the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, IN SPITE of the situations we endure. We are the salt and the light afterall because the world is in need of them. Everything is NOT as it is should be, including God’s will for Sebastian and your mother to live full, happy, healthy lives.

    God is who He says He is and He will do what He says He will do, which we must cling to by FAITH because what we see in the natural will not testify to God’s goodness. That is our calling and blessed privilege, to testify to the goodness of God in spite of circumstance, even when it goes against everything we feel and everything that has happened. Our faith in the dark, in the desert, in the wildnerness, in the lion’s den, in the dry season, our faith as we take heart despite all odds, that faith is pleasing God. When we waiver, we will grow to appreciate all the more His unwaivering faithfulness.

    The Lord is the lifter of your head. Let your feelings flow as you speak to Him. He understands. May you let go of the guilt and receive peace, may you feel your disappointment and unworthiness transformed by the glory of God in the due course of time, however long it may take for you, the Lord is patient and faithful. Also, be patient with yourself. Do you have a counselor you are speaking with? A support group at your church or in the community perhaps? Reach out to one of our mentors if you’d like to correspond with someone by email for prayer and support, http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

    Hang on, don’t quit, don’t be dismayed, but continue being real with yourself and with God. You are going through something incredibly difficult.

    With a hug,
    Kate

  • Christina says:

    To Sebastian’s mam

    First, let me say, what a beautiful name you have given your son. My heart aches hearing your story. I know that most people, myself included, cannot comprehend the pain you are feeling.

    I think it is natural to question God in the midst of such pain. These tragedies are not some kind of “test” where God is checking to see if you pass or fail. The Bible doesn’t ever give us that kind of picture of God. Rather, the heartbreaking times bring all of us to the end of ourselves, where we know we have nothing left. What God promises is that he can be found there, with us, in the heartbreak. You are right, whereas Jesus died with a purpose and rose again, Sebastain’s death wasn’t allowed by God in order to benefit anybody. People who say things like, “God just needed another angel” are trying to be helpful, but they are wrong. God didn’t need to take your son from you for his benefit. I do believe that God is the Lord of life and death. I can’t give you a reason for the pain you have experienced. But I know that God the Father knows your pain. He experienced the death of a Son. He knows how bad you are hurting. I believe he is also crying over the lost life of Sebastain and your mother. As he sees all the pain and suffering in the world, he is heartbroken. He doesn’t want you to suffer.

    You are right. Actions speak louder than words. That’s why the Bible tells us the things God has done in history, not just words telling us what he is like. His actions have shown that he willingly gave his son so that all people can choose whether or not they want to be reunited in a loving relationship with God.

    He promises that one day he will put an end to all this brokenness (sickness, death, natural disasters, evil). Jesus loves Sebastain. He loves you. As the author of the article said hope can be found in Jesus. Why? Because if Jesus did rise from the dead, then death is not the final goodbye. Hope is found in knowing that a relationship with Jesus that starts now will last forever, and you can see your son again.

    I pray that you will be given the strength to hang on through the rough days ahead.

  • Sebastian's mam says:

    My first son, Sebastian, died of SIDS on the 04.03.2016 being born strong and healthy only 14 days before. Less than a year before, on the 15.03.2015 my mother, who was perfectly healthy and full of energy, was known down on the walking path by a car and left with severe brain injuries. The accident happened a couple of months prior to a reunion that I was expecting anxiously since I left my country 10 years ago -she was supposed to spend the whole summer with us in Europe and my heart was exploding of illusion. Finally, after indescribable suffering and physical pain she died as well exactly 3 months after my Sebastian, this June past.
    Here I am now week and incapable of remembering why was I happy to be alive… The guilt of having somehow enabled the death of my beloved son (because he was in my arms and I felt sleep) does not let me move forward.
    The promised love of God makes no sense whatsoever to me… Parents never want to be their children suffering! I grew with the love of my mother all around providing comfort and fulfilling our needs even before we had spoken them. How much is to expect from an almighty father, Is he not the lord of life and death? Then, it is not so and nature just follows a mysterious curse?
    It is said that he does not put us into tests greater than our faith but it was so for me, I do not have any faith left; it is only a deep disappointment and the sense of being unworthy for the whole universe instead…
    There is a say in Spanish that describes well what I feel towards the concept of a loving God who cares about each human now: “obras son amores y no buenas razones” (actions speak louder than words) no sign of a super natural loving force is around me
    There is no purpose and certainly no benefit for anyone with the death of a healthy and beautiful baby, Jesus died for a purpose and arose 3 days later.
    Sorry for the wild catharsis and thanks you for reading!

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