One evening, shortly after Richard and I married, he settled into his lounge chair to read – oblivious to my 14-year-old daughter’s piercing scowl and clenched fist as she stomped into the bedroom. But he heard her words. Melanie flung her body face down onto my bed, muttering, “It’s not fair, Mother! Richard is sitting where my dad is supposed to be. I’ll never accept him – and don’t expect me to either.”
I wondered if we were doomed from the start, while Richard wondered if his friends’ advice had been right. “I’d wait to marry after her daughter is grown,” one said.
“I wouldn’t get involved at all,” another said.
Against a backdrop of tension, nonacceptance, and few legal rights, this 42-year-old bachelor had committed to financially supporting and educating another man’s child with unresolved issues hovering in each corner of our lives.
Looking back, I believe the wisest decision we ever made was discussing our relationship with a Christian psychologist three months before our engagement. For weeks we sifted through our expectations and our fears. Individually and as a couple we discovered we needed an attitude adjustment: Richard had to be No. 1 in my life, and I had to be No. 1 in his.
I remember tears rolling down my face when I told Melanie, “Honey, Richard must come first in my life now. That doesn’t mean I love you any less. I’m not rejecting you or leaving you. You are part of our family now. Richard is not trying to replace your dad. He wants to be your friend. All I ask is that you respect him.” That commitment stabilized our relationship and supplied consistency to our co-parenting. Assured that he was No. 1 in my life, Richard knew he stood equal with me, so that together we could present a united front for the rough teen-rearing years ahead.
Here’s what he says: