Teaching Your Daughters to Value Modesty
Reality TV is all the rage these days. Survivor, Big Brother, The Amazing Race, The Apprentice – they all share the same premise: ordinary people confronted with extreme adversity.
I have an idea for a great new reality show – one in which the task is so challenging as to be nearly impossible. Take a typical mom, dad and daughter, and drop them in a shopping mall with $500 to buy the daughter a new wardrobe. The catch: everything they buy has to pass the modesty test.
Sound simple? Let me tell you, it’s not. When my daughters were small, the fashion world had little impact on their clothing choices. Dad and Mom made most of the decisions for them. For many years, in fact, I made their dresses for special occasions myself, and these were always received with great excitement. As they grew and their worlds enlarged, so did their perceptions of fashion. Our shopping expeditions became exercises in endurance, rather than enjoyable outings.
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As just one sample of what we’re up against as parents, one very popular store markets thong underwear emblazoned with sexy slogans like “eye candy” and “wink, wink” to girls aged 7-14. Asked to defend their product, the company spokesperson said, “It’s cute and sweet and fun.”
Granted, this is an extreme example. But even when shopping for basic items like jeans and t-shirts, it is becoming increasingly difficult to find attractive, fashionable clothes for young girls that don’t show off a whole lot of skin. Tube tops, crop tops, clingy fabrics, low-cut dresses and low-rise jeans are all the rage. CNN and Fox News Channel commentator Betsy Hart complained about one national retailer, where she found everything for her young daughter to be too tight, too low-cut and too short. In her words, “dressing my not-yet-six-year-old like she is Britney Spears is at best silly, and at worst unnecessarily sexualizing our littlest girls.”
In this cultural climate, what is a parent to do? Drawing from my experiences as a mother of three daughters, I’d like to share a few suggestions that might be an encouragement in this critical parenting issue.
1. Embrace modesty
Given the current state of things, does modesty even matter anymore? Our culture tells us no, and we’ve been so affected by the world around us that sometimes we don’t even stop to think about what our appearance says about us, or how it measures up to God’s standards.
God calls us to a life of purity, and modesty is a natural outworking of a pure heart. A speaker I heard recently told of young men in her church youth group who were complaining about what the girls in the group were wearing. These boys were sincerely coming to youth group to worship God, and they really felt that they were being distracted from that and even led astray by the immodest dress of the girls in the group. They didn’t know where to look, and it was very hard on them as they tried to obey God and keep from lusting.
Keep in mind that these were boys who were actively fighting against temptation. Imagine the impact of improper dress on men who have serious lust problems, or who don’t even recognize it as a problem. I think that the proliferation of pornography and blatant sexual messages in our society today is linked to widespread immodest dress. What once would have been considered unacceptable and risqué is now not just accepted, but commonplace. No wonder some men have great difficulty in this area! It is a battle for them to protect themselves from the onslaught of our sex-crazed society. Yes, the men have a responsibility to control themselves, but we women also have a responsibility not to cause them to stumble.
The way in which a girl dresses will also impact the kind of guy she attracts, which will in turn impact their behaviours and attitudes toward sex. As one young lady shared, “I know that the kind of things that I wear draw a certain kind of guy. And ultimately the guy that I want to have as a husband is a guy that’s committed to purity. He doesn’t want to lust…If I’m dressing kind of seductively in what I’m wearing, I’m going to be attracting a guy that is okay with that, and it almost says that I’m impure, but that he’s okay with that; whereas, if I’m dressing modestly, it’s going to attract a guy that respects that and appreciates that.”
Ultimately, the most important reason for embracing modesty is that God’s Word tells us to do so. If the Holy Spirit lives in us, our bodies are God’s temple, and revealing clothing is not honouring to Him. It is also not honouring to our spouse (or future spouse). Our bodies are meant for our spouse alone to enjoy, so a girl who displays her body publicly is actually defrauding her future mate.
2. Define family modesty standards
What is modesty? Modesty means different things to different people and, like other words, its meaning has undergone a metamorphosis over time. The dictionary tells us that to be modest is to avoid impropriety or indecency, to be reserved in sexual matters, and to be unpretentious in appearance. Indecency is a strong word, meaning ‘highly unsuitable,’ but unfortunately our society has redefined this word as well. What was once considered unsuitable dress in public is now commonplace. Perhaps it is better to focus on the idea of being unpretentious in appearance. A modest person does not call attention to themselves by the way they dress.
In order to teach our daughters to value modesty in a world where modesty is seen as prudish, we must make the effort to establish clearly what we consider to be modest. This is made more difficult because society’s standards of modesty have changed so much over time. When I was in high school, for example, exposing a bra strap would have been extremely embarrassing for a teen girl. Today it’s considered no big deal, and in fact many girls in elementary school purposely wear designer straps as a fashion statement.
So how do we know what constitutes modest apparel and what doesn’t? Ultimately, it is up to you as parents to set the family standard. Discuss it with your spouse and come up with some guidelines that you can pass on to your daughters. Determine what you consider to be acceptable clothing choices. Talk about a specific age when it comes to wearing make-up, heels, etc. and be prepared to explain your decision-making process. I’d encourage you to give this some serious thought and refrain from changing the standard if you have more than one daughter. With three daughters and eleven years between the eldest and youngest, this has been a test of our memories!
For our family, necklines are close to the collarbone and hem lengths are to the knee or longer. Makeup is worn to enhance, rather than to attract attention, and the first makeup to be used is a little mascara and lipgloss around age thirteen. Clothing is clean and well kept.
In developing your standards, you may also need to educate yourself on current fads and slang. Some clothing and accessories may look innocent, while actually conveying a much different message. For example, a lot of kids today are wearing t-shirts carrying slogans of a sexual nature. Because the terms are different from what we grew up with, this often flies under the radar of parents – but rest assured, the kids all know what they mean! Or consider jelly bracelets. These thin, multi-coloured rubber bracelets were innocently traded and collected by children in the 1980’s. They’re now back in vogue among teens and pre-teens, with one important difference: they are now used as sex bracelets, where giving a person a bracelet of a particular colour carries with it an implied offer to perform a corresponding sexual act. If your child wants to wear something and you suspect it may convey a hidden message, ask them about it.
Be assured, modest clothing can still be stylish and attractive. Be prepared to spend some extra time searching out suitable fashions for your daughters. They are out there, but you’ll have to be willing to cheerfully make the effort and, in some cases, spend a little extra.
3. Get the kids onside
Once you’ve set your standards, the next key is to get your kids to buy in without a full-scale revolt! It’s easy to say, “I’m the parent and you will do what I tell you,” but while that approach may bring about outward conformity to the standard, it will not help your daughters to begin to value modesty in their own hearts. Instead, you want to help them to understand why modesty is such an important character issue and teach them to make good decisions on their own.
We’ve found it very helpful to be able to give our daughters reasons as to the suitability or unsuitability of a piece of apparel. It’s good to be able to explain to them how a young man regards some of their fashion choices. This explanation, of course, must be purposeful and age appropriate. Your daughter may honestly not realize that the item she’d love to wear causes guys to look at her in a way she was not anticipating. She may respond by saying that this is the guy’s problem; that he should have more self-control. And, again, young men should demonstrate self-control, but God has designed males to be visually attracted to females. Your daughter needs to understand that this is very powerful, and she does not need to contribute to the problem.
The teaching of modesty should begin as early as possible. Model a modest form of dress. Provide bathrobes for family members and be aware of the way you dress both within and outside your home. Minimize the impact of the brand name mentality by beginning early in their lives to teach them the value of money, and that a brand name item is not necessarily a better item. Often we get our kids hooked on brand names by dressing our young children in these clothes, and it becomes hard to backtrack when the price tag inflates or the styles become racier.
Be on the lookout for good role models that are older than your own daughter and allow these friends to influence them; they can be a tremendous help to you. Also, watch for positive examples in the world of entertainment and introduce your kids to them.
4. Counter the media onslaught
Realize that fashion is big business. Kids’ and teen clothing represents a multi-billion dollar industry, and the advertisers know exactly how to entice our children. Your daughters are bombarded from an increasingly early age through the media – music, videos, TV and technology. In fact, marketing that used to be aimed at teens has now shifted to the tween group (ages 8-13).
This shift is having a noticeable impact on girls in this age category. Adult clothing styles are being mini-sized to fit young girls. As Betsy Hart pointed out, this has led to the sexualization of pre-teen girls seeking to emulate their media heroes. And it’s not just the clothes that are being adopted, but also the attitudes toward life in general and sexuality in particular. Kids are being made to grow up faster than ever before.
We can diminish the influence of media by helping our daughters make wise choices concerning TV programs, videos, movies, music and reading material. It’s important to begin at an early age to instill values and guidelines for making discerning choices. Talk about these choices in entertainment and fashion selection with your tweens and teens before they ever become issues.
5. Value character over appearance
It is important to tell your daughter how beautiful she is, so that she doesn’t have to go outside the family to hear this message. Even more vital than praising her appearance, though, is affirming her character. We need to counteract our culture’s influence by placing value on what God values – the inner heart and character of an individual. The Bible says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). Compliment your daughter on her inner character frequently. Encourage her to cultivate a vibrant walk with Jesus Christ by being a character model before her and taking a genuine interest in her spiritual life.
Most importantly, pray for your daughter daily. It’s a very different world than the one that we grew up in and the temptations are more overt and bold. Pray fervently that she will have a heart that seeks to know God.
6. Recognize dad’s critical role
Never underestimate the influence of a Dad. My husband went on many shopping trips, even though this is not his favourite activity, in order to show his interest and have some input into the selection process. Dad’s approval is extremely significant in a daughter’s life, so fathers need to be careful in how they relate to them. Both words and tone matter greatly. Even though she may act like she resents your intrusion in her life at times, your daughter really does care about what you think of her. Dads, let your daughter know that you think she is beautiful – that she is unique in your eyes and God’s. Your girls carefully watch your reaction – your opinion counts!
Preparing your daughter to follow God’s standards in this area of modesty is a gift that will last a lifetime. I like to think of modesty as a pattern that I am helping my daughters weave into their lives; a pattern that will become so much a part of their moral fibre that it will enable them to freely and fully enjoy being the women God has designed them to be.
“For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.” ~ Proverbs 2:10-11
Praise God we need more young people like you Kiki! God will reward you for the righteous and pure life you are living!
God promises to you and others who live pure, “Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God!”
Continue to offer your body as a living sacrifice holy and pleasing to God. God wants you to know how pleased he is with you. Your heavenly Father is so pleased with you for choosing to live this way, he is smiling down on you.
i love this, and totally agree with this article. I am a 14-year-old teenager myself. Being modest is very important to me. Thank you for having such high standards and vlaues and teaching your children to choose the right. We need more righteous people in the world like you to be good examples to others around them.
You are so right Joanne. As mothers and grandmothers we too need to model modesty and self respect in how we dress.
I am a grandmother agrees with the points made in this article. One thing I would like to point out, its not just the teenage girls and young women who dress with lack of concern for modesty
I see far too many mothers, both young mothers, and some not so young,who themselves set very poor examples by he way they dress.Slacks and jeans that are far too tight, extremely short shorts, and at the pool or beach, bathing suits that expose that which should not be uncovered in public. What are these women thinking? Have they no self-respect? Some not only look sluttish but downright ridiculous!
I may be oldfashioned- but I know if I had ever worn such things when I was a girl, and my mother had seen me, I would have not sat down on what I was showing off for some time! But now the mother may well be dressed as badly as her young daughters.
…Or… you could attack this from the other direction. There is a lot of good reading on the market about the harmony between Christianity and public nudity. There are a lot of “flesh friendly” countries around the world who have lower sex-crime rates than America, France and Germany to name two. It’s been a couple of decades since I’ve been to a nudist resort, but I was always impressed with the maturity of moms, dads and especially the children that I met in my unclothed travels. Nude isn’t lewd, as they say, but there are a lot of market forces that try to sell it that way. So many “godly” folks dismiss the “naturist” lifestyle out-of-hand as being evil, when in reality, it is one of the best possible antidotes to the hordes of sleaze merchants peddling their sordid wares. Everyone has a body. The person has never been born that has a “shameful” body. Clothes often have a practical value, but when temperatures are conducive to nudity, nudity should be an option. Whatever happened to the good old days where whole communities would go skinny-dippin’ on a hot Saturday afternoon? :) I suspect you’ll find the greatest number of convicted sex crime perpetrators will come from homes where nudity was shunned, not from homes where it was embraced.
Mrs. P I don’t think anyone here is trying to throw moms away. Moms and dads have important roles in raising sons and daughters. To say that one role is more important than the other does no child any favours. From my perspective, North American society has seen a diminishing of the role of fathers in the family. I think it is valuable for us to recapture the understanding of the importance of a father’s role in raising sons and daughters in partnership with mothers.
Jamie, did you not read my article? I told you all what I think about dad’s role, that it’s a shared role, that dad is never more important than mom. Please don’t throw mom away!! The girl is like gender to her mom for a reason. Respect that. I had the best, most hard-working,most supportive, most loving dad, but my mom taught my sisters and me about males and how to be around them. My mom taught me about periods and childbirth. She was the like gender parent. My dad still was supportive. All my friends and relatives and the people we associate with seem to all agree with this way. Maybe it’s a culture thing and you are from another group of people.Go back and read my article again. Now, my next questions to all the male rights men who have started this crusade against moms are: Exactly who started this myth about the dad being the major factor in a daughter’s life? Why did you men have the need to start such a woman hating- campaign? Do you not have anything else better to do, like guiding your sons to find the path to being gentlemen? We have spread this myth so vast and wide that even the strongest minded-women like myself, have to hold on to their common sense and wits in order to keep from being brainwashed with this utter foolish, misogynistic, hogwash. Stop with this evil male need for dominance. By allowing these statements to be given in the media, we are slowly destroying the love of moms. And guess what? Many girls and many women are slowly buying into this myth, because they have heard it and read it so many times. Many girls are so weak and vulnerable now, that they think dad is higher than mom and they have begun to allow dad to tread into their private spaces where he does not belong.
Stop this madness now!! Respect and honor moms!!
Jewels,
I don’t think anyone was suggesting that the reason a woman is raped it because of the type of clothes she is wearing. I am sure there are many reasons why men rape however I think ultimately rape occurs due to men allow extreme evil to take hold in his life. In WW2 both Germans & Russians raped woman in both countries even though they were dressed modesty. Yes a woman needs to be intelligent and not allow herself to get put in a situation that will put her in danger such as meeting someone who she does not know very well in private after a dinner as many woman think a man is nice until he is alone. I hear horror stories of woman dating men who they have just met and being lured into a room alone as this is more dangerous than the type of clothes she is wearing. I am in no way suggesting it is the woman’s fault for the type of clothes that she wears.
Today’s culture is such that you can be addicted to porn that turn woman become sex objects. It is more than just what clothes a woman wears but being aware of the culture of hyper sexual activity that is in today’s medium such as internet, TV, and dating sites. All parents can do is teach them Christs principals and pray that God will protect them. I abhor any type of violence such as rape or abuse against woman as it shows how low our society has gone however I believe we as Christians can take a stand against it by standing up to it with the help of Christ.
God Bless
First of all, I’d like to thank the author of this article. Very well written, with good suggestions and a focus on daughters developing inward qualities and learning to set their own outward standards with wisdom and a godly view of sexuality, not just being forced to conform to something they don’t understand. Now, I want to address those comments people have made concerning rape. The author never says it’s okay for men to molest women. Of course it’s not! This is not a question of blaming the victim. Nowhere does the article state that men can’t help themselves, or “boys will be boys.” This is a question of women taking one tool that they can use–modest clothing–to help protect themselves. If all women dressed modestly, would men stop raping women? No. Whenever a man rapes a woman, he should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. But think of this analogy. I leave my purse on the front seat of my car, with a couple of hundred dollar bills sticking out. If someone breaks into my car and steals my purse, they have just committed a crime and should be punished. However, it wasn’t a smart thing for me to do. For my own protection, I should do what my mom always told me and hide the purse when I can’t take it with me. Could someone still break in the car, find my purse, and steal it? Yes, but they are more likely to do it if they see the purse out in the open. Lock your doors at night. Don’t walk alone at night, especially in neighborhoods that have a lot of crime. Carry pepper spray. Why do we do these things? Protection. If someone attacks us or comes into our houses, it is a terrible thing and they should be punished. It’s not the victim’s fault when someone commits a crime. However, why not do what you can to keep yourself safe? Should strangers walk into your house? No; that’s terrible. But you could lock your doors and close the curtains so you don’t attract thieves. Why not cover your body so you don’t attract criminals or jerks? If you could decrease the chances of your being a victim, either or rape or of sexual harrassment, why not do it? And why not teach your daughters to respect their bodies and dress in a way that causes more people to respect them as well? Self defense. It’s wise and loving to teach it to your daughters.
Mrs P you have said a lot about what fathers are not supposed to do in raising their daughters but you have not clarified what they are responsible for. I hope you don’t mind me pressuring but I am curious to know how you see a father adding to the development of their daughters. I am not sure how a father who is interested in seeing his daughter grow into a healthy, godly woman would overstep boundaries and have inappropriate things happen. I am not saying that there are not examples of fathers doing inappropriate things to their daughters but I don’t see the connection to their role of raising their daughters. When inappropriate things happen between a father and a daughter you can be sure that the father is not acting out of loving concern for the development of his child.
I hear you pushing for a reduced input from fathers into the raising of their daughters but I don’t hear you saying what their input level should be. It is my experience that the input of a father into his daughter’s life is hugely important (as is her mother’s input of course) and the absence of that input is detrimental to the way that a young girl will develop.
I do agree that fathers have a responsibility to train their sons how to treat women with respect and honour (as does a mother). There is value that both mothers and fathers have in both sexes of children. To diminish either is to rob our children of all they need for maturing into healthy, godly adults.
That is why I would like to hear further clarification from you about the role that fathers have in raising their daughters.
The father’s role is to share in the responsibility of raising their SONS AND their daughters, with mom, not to dominate this role, not focus on the daughter alone. This is when dads start to overstep boundaries and inappropriate things can start to happen, if you know what I mean. Do you get it? If you are female, I’ll ask you to please not forget that you have a responsibility to help young females know that they are important within themselves and that they are not identified by any male, including dad. Do you have any idea how you are confusing young women? Stop it! These girls need to know their moms are their parents too, not just their dads. This is why we have so many girls who pose nude and allow dad and uncle in the delivery rooms. They think all males are supposed to have all access. Why don’t you write an article about how dads can spend time with these young sons and teach them how to respect a girl, whether she is modest or not. Tell them that immodesty does not justify rape. Tell them that if they want girls to be a ladies, that they have to be gentlemen. Tell them that a girl’s immodesty does not give them the right to blame the girls for their sins. Yet,you spend time telling women that we cause men to sin. We need to rethink how we tell people about gender roles and respect each gender and not boost up men and give them all this power over our girls. Moms are the ones who give birth to these daughters. Let her lead in talking to the daughter. Tell the man to find his son and talk to him about being a gentleman. Start with these tips and I’ll bet you will see a difference in our country. When you answer this comment, please do not use profanity or abusive language. Mrs. P
So Mrs P, what role does a father have in the raising of daughters?
I wish that I had read and posted to this blog earlier, but anyway, I so agree with Jasmine. You really said it clearly. We need to stop saying that fathers are this and fathers are that. A girl and a boy both need a mom and a dad. Stop putting fathers up so high and then forget about the moms who conceived, birthed, carried, and nurtured the baby. I love my dad but he was cool and my mom did all the guidance. My sisters and I turned out to be strong women who did not seek male attention. I did not seek my dad’s approval at all, I felt good about my own thoughts and desires. If we would boost up the father son relationship and tell dad to raise his son instead of clinging to the girl child so much, then we might not need to have all these conversations and worries about modesty and such. Think about it ! Raise the sons and stop saying girls need to be validated by dads. They need to be loved and validated by both parents. Teach these male children how to respect females, so they do not grow up to become inappropriate men who think the problem is with the way a daughter dresses.
Thanks for sharing those things Lynette! And I have to just weigh in and say that being modest isn’t the same as being victorian or prudish. There is a huge difference and we really do need to be aware of what we are portraying.
I have a Master’s degree in Museum Science and am a clothing historian with 10 years experience in a professional position. I’m probably going to shock and offend some people with what I’m about to say because it’s pretty hard to hear, but I think it’s time for Christians to really come to grips with what’s happening in teenage society. I may not agree with everything this nice lady authoress said, but I appreciate the fact that she is EVEN TRYING to protect our Christian daughters from looking, sounding and acting like prostitutes.
From my extensive study of women and families, I believe I can say that we are living at the most sexualized and vulgar period FOR THE MIDDLE CLASS that we have ever seen, and it’s affected all of us. Elements of the language, dress and culture today were, only a few decades ago, only to be found in the CRIMINAL elements of society and among the lowest and most degraded. I’m 40, and can easily remember when tattoos were only seen on prostitutes, criminals and men returning from the Navy. Piercings such as we see now were only among tribal people. The earliest example of the “f-word” that I’ve ever seen was from an interview with a prostitute from the Storeyville (red light) district of New Orleans. There were sex professions who would not perform the actions that we hear about taking place between children in elementary schools today, because these “professional” women considered these actions “degrading.” The first true street-walker I ever saw was in Dallas in the early 1980s, and what she was wearing (very short skirt, high boots, very low blouse, etc.) would not turn heads in a modern high school. In fact, I’ve seen teenage girls wearing leather skirts or even bodices to church. Just recently, we had to counsel a teenage girl working at my husband’s professional office that it was not acceptable for her underwear to show or for her to have blue hair.
Here’s another reality. The statistics on STDS among teenagers are UNBELIEVABLE. Check this out – I promise it will SCARE you, or it should. http://www.bhg.com/health-family/parenting-skills/teen-challenges/stds-teens-a-reality-check/ Then go to Yahoo Answers and look at some of the questions that the young people on there ask about sex. They’re openly talking about things that would enrage and shock people if I even MENTIONED there here. These may be the kids YOUR kids are going to school with and hanging out with. These may be your own kids. These kids with STDS are your daughter’s friends. They’re staying the night at your house. One of them may even be your future son-in-law or daughter-in-law.
Satan hates our children. He loves the fact that so many Americans are sending out teenaged daughters, half-dressed, unchaperoned, and under-educated about the REAL consequences of sex (pregnancy and childbirth AIN’T FUN), out ALONE with a boy at the peak of his hormonal surge, to watch movies filled with sex and hear music glorifying fornication. And then parents are shocked when they find out that “Lil Punkin” has an STD or that she’s “a little bit” pregnant. It’s really amazing that ANY of our children “say no.”
I’m not advocating making girls wear a burka or a nun’s habit, I don’t wear one myself, but we really need to re-evaluate how we’re raising our children and see how far we’ve fallen. Are we REALLY dressing to the glory of God, or are we just afraid of being laughed at because we’re “different?” One day we will all stand before God and give an account of our actions. Can we honestly say we’ve done everything we can to help our children learn to honor God with their bodies? Pray about this, and God bless you all.
So I understand the value of dressing modestly and not letting kids wear lewd clothing. There are some radically inappropriate clothes out there for teenagers and kids and it is terrible that some companies make clothes that are so inappropriate, but also we’re not in the Victorian age. Clothes have changed and so have people’s perceptions of propriety. Also there are plenty of clothes for kids and teens that are appropriate yet not puritanical. Sexy and classy are not mutually exclusive. My main problem I have with this article is how it tells women and their daughters to cover their bodies completely because men aren’t really expected to be held accountable for their actions.
As stated, “[Your daughter] may respond [to denial of wearing what she likes] by saying that this is the guy’s problem; that he should have more self-control. And, again, young men should demonstrate self-control, but God has designed males to be visually attracted to females. Your daughter needs to understand that this is very powerful, and she does not need to contribute to the problem.”
“[Your daughter]” has a point. So God designed men to be lecherous perverts and we need to acknowledge and put up with it? The way this excerpt was written implies that a man should in theory demonstrate self-control, but if he doesn’t, oh well. God made him that way. Can’t blame him for molesting and/or raping your daughter. It’s her fault because her clothes weren’t modest enough. Even if her parents didn’t ask her to change that morning because they weren’t offended or worried by her appearance. Isn’t it a little unsettling to blame and victimize our daughters from day one instead of the better option of insisting that men keep their hands (and other parts) to themselves?
Again, I am not against modesty in dress at all. But honestly this article tells women to be (too) modest for the wrong reasons; not to help our daughters feel good about themselves, but to keep their bodies hidden from perverts. This perpetuates rape culture, where the victim of sexual assault is blamed even though she (or in rare cases he) ultimately did nothing wrong. It’s a bit like blaming a bank for being robbed because there is money in the drawers. All the money should be in the vault where it’s locked up, right? Wrong. We should be modest to make ourselves feel comfortable, not to protect ourselves from nasty perverts and rapists who should be held accountable for their actions regardless of what a woman wears.
“Modest Christian,” I don’t see how my comment could be misconstrued as being cruel. If the truth is cruel, I still prefer it to error. I don’t mean to inappropriately hurt anyone’s feelings, but when a person attempts to misappropriate the Bible in order to mock it I believe that an appropriate response is to correct the many errors and misrepresentations present. (I hope that no one reading your comments would be naive enough to believe they are from a genuine Christian … no Christian I know calls him “Mr. Jesus” …) In any case, the Bible does not “contradict itself” as you’ve stated, if you take a look at the link I posted in my previous comment it should help to explain the difficulty. There is also an excellent video here which helpfully explains this topic. There’s no lack of resources available to help answer honest questions.
Now, I agree that if the five statements you’ve cited were the only ones we find in the New Testament instead of the nearly 8,000 verses it actually contains, when we might conclude that “most of the New Testament is all about fighting and killing and whipping and getting swords to fight more.” But given that these make up approximately 0.125% of the NT text (I doubled the amount, assuming that you probably missed a few) then your claim that it’s mostly about those topics is rather ridiculous, wouldn’t you agree? (Also, just for the record in case anyone is unaware, your citation of Luke 19 might make a person think that Jesus is the one speaking in Luke 19:27, whereas that is actually part of a parable Jesus was telling.)
Could you explain how the verses you cited show that Jesus is “all about forcing people into submission and slaying the non-believers”? The citations say nothing of the sort. In fact, when one of Jesus’ disciples attacked one of the men sent to arrest Him, Jesus rebuked that disciple, and healed the man who was hurt. (Luke 22:49-51) Notice that nowhere in the history of the early church (ex, in Acts) did any the disciples use violence. (Yes, later Christians hundreds of years later did sadly use violence, but they did so in direct opposition to what is taught and lived out in the NT. The reason, by the way, that Jesus told the disciples to carry swords was to fulfill one of the many prophecies of the Old Testament, in Isaiah 53:9.) Jesus told us (although in context remember that he was talking to the Pharisees) not to say “you fool” to people is because we he was giving further explanation of the point he was previously making, that the Pharisees’ teaching (that there was no sin committed if a person merely had angry thoughts and didn’t actually kill anyone) was misguided.
Of course, this is taking us far afield from the topic of modesty, which was the topic of the original article. But our friend here does make one good point. Although he/she does so through a false persona adopted only to attempt to mock Christians and misrepresent their beliefs (so who here is really the intolerant, cruel one?) I do say friend honestly, not sarcastically. The valid point is this: “Maybe Jesus wasn’t the benevolent savior I thought he was.” One of the problems of many churches today (and I’ll be the first to admit churches have many problems, this is just one of them!) is that they often present Jesus as being merely a nice guy, your buddy who just wants to be your pal and pat you on the head, so many people grow up with this happy-go-lucky version of Jesus and are shocked when they encounter the true person. Yes, Jesus did call his disciples friends, but if Jesus is who he claimed to be (not just a good religious teaching dude, but actually God in human form, fully man and fully God) then this “Jesus the kindly grandfather” view is deficient indeed. He is a benevolent savior, but he is not merely that; he is perfectly merciful, but also just.
Someone who is interested in learning who Jesus really is rather than reading willful misrepresentations is encouraged to explore the Who is Jesus area of this website.
Darren, I am hurt by your cruel harsh comment. I was just trying to help people follow God’s law. Give me a break, I didn’t know that the bible contradicts itself so much and tells you not to follow some of the laws it had clearly laid out. You are accusing me of terrible things when I was just trying to help. I thought us modest Christians were supposed to love thy neighbor.
But that was in the old testament. Now I don’t know anymore!
Let us learn then, from the more recent bible books.
“Think not that I have come to send peace: I came not to send peace but to send a sword.” (Matthew 10:34)
“He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one.” (Luke 22:36)
“But those enemies of mine who did not want me to be king over them–bring them here and kill them in front of me.” Luke 19:27
“Jesus made a whip from some ropes and chased them all out of the Temple. He drove out the sheep and cattle, scattered the money changers’ coins over the floor, and turned over their tables.” John 2:15
“If anyone does not abide in me, he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned.” John 15:6
I cannot believe this! It seems like most of the New Testament is all about fighting and killing and whipping and getting swords to fight more! Maybe Jesus wasn’t the benevolent savior I thought he was. He seems to be all about forcing people into submission and slaying the non-believers.
“Anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.” Matthew 5:22
“You fools! Which is greater: the gold, or the temple that makes the gold sacred?” Matthew 23:17 (A quote that Jesus said)
Mr. Jesus could not have been that smart if he was putting himself in danger of the fire of hell! I am losing my faith in this new bible. I like the Old Testament better. And I would appreciate it if you didn’t go harshly insulting me about my feelings because it won’t help me get my faith back if you keep putting me down.
Erin,
I don’t think that the author is shaming anyone into dressing to her standards. She is simply suggesting ways to create your own standards for your children (a parents right and responsibility.) People have a choice to take her suggestions, there is no shame or criticism in her writing nor is she demanding everyone conform to her standards.
As a mother, I am teaching my daughter that the content of her character means more than her outward appearance, like it or not people do judge outward appearances. And I am definitely telling my 3 year old what to dress and will continue to have standards for her as she becomes a teenager. In fact as a parent, I find this article incredibly helpful in creating guidelines and boundaries for my daughter. Because that all it is suggestions.
You are right, a women that wears a halter top and skinny jeans does not deserve being raped or sexually objectified. And I don’t think the author is suggesting this.
“Modest Christian,” your trolling illustrates well how having a little knowledge (emphasis on “little”) can be a dangerous thing. Obviously you are not a Christian – your lack of understanding (or, more likely, willful ignorance) and quotation of only Old Testament verses have little or no relevance to modesty, and primarily passages which have no application to a Christian today, demonstrates that you would be (if you actually believed what you posted) have opinions that are closer to a person who practices Orthodox Judaism. Perhaps you would care to enlighten us to your own source for moral standards (or lack thereof)?
Perhaps that last remark is a little harsh, but in any case, I hope that your sarcasm and skepticism will one day be replaced with knowledge and grace; that you would come to understand not only why God establishes His standards but why we need Him when we inevitably fail to live them out. (That includes me too.)
Thank you Cathy Reynolds for posting this informative article about how to be modest. I have some more of God’s commandments that can help people learn to be modest too.
“Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.” (Leviticus 19:27)
Let it be known, that shaving is prohibited by God. You must be modest, and leave your beard entirely intact.
“…and the swine, though it divides the hoof, having cloven hooves, yet does not chew the cud, is unclean to you.” (Leviticus 11:7)
Let it be known, that eating pork of any kind is also prohibited. Be modest, and only eat foods the bible says are okay.
“…do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. Do not wear material woven of two kinds of material.” (Leviticus 19:19)
Let it be known, that modern farming techniques are going against God. And that almost all modern clothing is against God’s law to wear. Be sure to check the tags of everything you buy, to ensure it doesn’t have a blend of materials, as most clothing nowadays does.
“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property.” (Leviticus 25:44-45)
Let it be known, that the holy bible of modesty commands slavery. Be modest, and have your property do your work for you.
“Build for me an altar made of earth, and offer your sacrifices to me–your burnt offerings and peace offerings, your sheep and goats, and your cattle. Build my altar wherever I cause my name to be remembered, and I will come to you and bless you” Exodus 20:24
Be modest to your God and sacrifice your animals on an altar made of the earth that God has so graciously let you live upon. Wherever God is to be praised, altars and animal sacrifices are to follow! It is what our modest God commands of us.
“If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her.”
Deuteronomy 22:28-29
Living a modest life, it can take you by surprise when your daughter gets raped, but not to worry. The rapist is required to pay you fifty pieces of silver to compensate, and also it means your daughter gets a husband! Be modest and follow God’s law and you can see how it all works out in the end.
I hope that I have helped educate you all about what it truly means to be modest. Hopefully you will respect God’s law as much as I do and live by his commandments.
Leah, I for one appreciate this post greatly…and I praise you for going against the grain and standing up for modesty. Based on the comments, you may not get the Most Popular award. That’s ok. Col. 3:23
P.S. Jasmine’s comment is right on the money. You go, girl!
Leah –
When an author is writing about her idea of modesty in a way that tries to shame women who don’t dress according to her “standards,” she is most definitely pushing those ideas onto others. That is the point of the article, is it not? “Stop letting your daughters wear revealing clothing”?
If you choose to take that line from the Bible (“a woman who fears the Lord, etc”) and interpret “fear” as “respect,” well, that’s fine and dandy. But the fact is that a huge number of people read it literally, and that is where many get the (often correct) thought that Christianity subjugates women. It’s lovely that dressing modestly makes you feel more empowered, but plenty of women feel just as confident and deserving of respect when they wear skinny jeans and halter tops as they do wearing t shirts and sweatpants. Those women don’t appreciate being talked down to and told they have no value, hence the “angry” comments.
It is not a woman’s job to prevent a man from lusting after her (nor do I think that lust is something to be ashamed of, but that’s a rant for another comment.) You’re implying that women are responsible for the actions of men, and that’s a dangerous thing to be teaching young girls. If a woman reveals some cleavage and a man rapes her, that does *not* make it her fault. This is why we have rape victims who wander around feeling guilty, as if they brought the attack onto themselves. Let’s pin the blame where it belongs – on the attackers, and on them alone.
Dear Jasmine and Shang,
I hear a lot of anger in your comments and you feel like the author is trying to push her idea of modesty on you guys. With that I say, what you trying to do? Everyone is allowed to their own opinion and for the author this is her experience, it is not wrong its just different than yours. There is no need to attack.
As, a woman, I grew up in a Christian home and modesty meant respecting myself. One thing that my husband was attracted to me was that I wasn’t like all the other girls who dressed provocatively but he saw me set apart from the others . And I dressed with the times but I choose to leave things to the imagination.
For Shange, in Proverbs 31:30 when it talks about fearing the Lord, it doesn’t mean to be afraid of him, but it means to praise him, to be in awe of him. Many times in the bible it talks about fearing the Lord but it really means to have respect for him. So the quote that you are referring to doesn’t mean that women should be submissive but to praise and find their worth in the Lord (by learning God’s character), the exact opposite of what you think it means. It says in Galatians 4:7 “So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.” We are as precious to him as a daughter is to a King.
You both talk about Christian women being oppressed by the lessons and guidelines taught in the bible but in fact they are the opposite, they are very empowering. I respect myself by dressing modestly, I don’t feel objectified by men who want only one thing from me, in fact I am more respected. I know that I was fearfully and wonderfully made because God sees me as a “Daughter of Royalty” Therefore, I deserve the best.
And trust me, I live in the REAL world and not in a bubble.
I find this absolutely absurd. To imply that it is the girl’s responsibility to dress appropriately so that the boy’s aren’t tempted to have lustful thoughts? LOL.
“..but God has designed males to be visually attracted to females. Your daughter needs to understand that this is very powerful, and she does not need to contribute to the problem”.
Seriously? It sounds as though you are using religion to excuse the behavior of the possible recourse to a male’s urges.
I agree with Aly, though, that not “all” men are drooling barbarians, however, the majority do seem to have tunnel vision, which clearly sees right through any wardrobe IF the desire is strong enough.
“The Bible says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30)”
Earning praise through fear? Nothing like teaching our daughters to be submissive fragile creatures. NO thank you.
I have a teen-aged daughter who dresses in todays fashion and I have absolutely no problem with it. She was taught to respect herself first and foremost, which dictates her behavior towards others and is what attracts the same in return.
It isn’t what’s worn on the outside, but what behavior comes from inside that attracts her companions.
Character begins at home. Children’s behavior are a mirror to their home environment. It all starts with open communication of what the REAL world is all about. Teach our children (both girls and boys), appropriate behavior of self-respect through our actions. Provide them the respect they deserve as the people they are. Allow them to make the required mistakes necessary to sustain them as adults by guiding them to choosing the proper lesson learned by their mistakes.
Offer them the freedom to grow through their own choices early, so that by the time they are teens facing these “temptations” they will already be prepared to make the right choices for themselves.
Too many adults underestimate the intelligence of our youth today. Perhaps many of us adults need to also learn to change with the times so that we can accommodate our changing youth.
Ehh…nuff said.
“Dad’s approval is extremely significant in a daughter’s life”
Funny, you say that, because as a teenager myself, I don’t know a girl who greatly values their father’s opinion on clothing. Maybe this is a Christian thing, to be overly controlling in your daughter’s life. Most teenagers are independent, and do not rely on their parents to decide what clothing is right to wear.
“Value character over appearance”
Well I value character over appearance, but it sure doesn’t sound like you do! Sounds like you think all girls who wear slightly revealing clothing were raised wrong! It also sounds like God values appearance over character a whole lot too. God’s holy word apparently tells us how long our skirts have to be. Stupid. Dishonoring God if we wear the wrong clothing? This is ridiculous. Why don’t you listen to your own advice, and value character instead of clothing?
“God has designed males to be visually attracted to females.”
And our goal is to overcome God’s design? What kind of conclusion is that? If God designed males to be attracted to females, then why not let God’s creations be as they were made to be? It is horribly unnatural to be covering up all a women’s beauty just to prevent guys from being attracted to them. It is fighting against God’s design.
“it is becoming increasingly difficult to find attractive, fashionable clothes for young girls that don’t show off a whole lot of skin.”
Let me tell you why you are a hypocrite.
You explained that women need to be ‘modest’ to PREVENT guys from being attracted to them. And now you are saying it is difficult to find ATTRACTIVE, MODEST clothes? You have clearly defined modest to mean ‘not attractive’. If you wanted her to be attractive, you would let her reveal a little skin.
If you really want no guy to ever lust for your daughter, you might as well dress her in a vomit green fat-suit every day. This would definitely honor the Hoaxly spirit.
You are an overprotective Christian nut case.
So, where’s the article telling parents to teach their boys to respect women, and view them as people instead of possessions?
“a girl who displays her body publicly is actually defrauding her future mate.”
…Oh. Nevermind. Should have realized that a person who views women as things whose property value goes down with every ogle isn’t going to be one who believes in the equality of sons and daughters. I forgot that gender equality isn’t the Bible’s forte. Disgusting.
I meant to add: it has nothing to do with clothing.
And while I personally prefer more ‘modest’ dress I suppose, (see the posts by Mz Former ‘Mo, she says it well) it’s part of the times, and as much as we want to protect our children, they’re exposed to it. I’d rather send them off knowing what they’re wearing then having them change in the bathrooms at school, which is a common place reality. As for men, giving girls the idea that somehow their appearance if responsible for mens behavior or actions is sick and wrong and scary. I also find it horribly unfair to men, who are not all sex crazed drooling barbarians, who can think and rationalize and control themselves. Just as women can. Because we want sex as much as they do. And to pretend otherwise is silly. P.S. no one buy me owns my body, certainly not any man, married to me or not.
Teen pregnancy is a direct result of an uninformed generation. Societies that teach teenagers about contraception and options *as well as* encouraging them to wait, etc. have far lower rates of teen preg. and disease.
As important as it is to teach your daughter how to dress appropriatly it is MORE important to communicate to your daughters about sex in a frank matter. Recognize that your daughters WILL have sex someday no matter what clothes you dress them in. Girls get pregnant when they are not properly educated on birth control, not from buying a T-shirt.
And your comments about how men are easily tempted by the manner in which a women dresses is not only moronic, but offensive. If a woman is attractive a man will notice no matter what she wears. If a man behaves like a pig he will behave like a pig no matter what. If someone rapes a woman and later claims its because of how she was dressed that doesn’t make it OK. What if that was a member of your family.
Dressing modest is a good idea,especially for young girls. However blaming a mans weakness on women and claiming boys will be boys is ignorant. Oh and the next time you want to judge a person by their clothes or sex life, think of Mary Magdalene.
This is some [comment redacted by editor, please refrain from swearing, it goes against our terms of use] right here.
I study fashion at university in Utah, and you can be “modest” in a sense. I don’t think showing too much skin is flattering either. Example: a halter top, booty shorts and heels probably isn’t going to get you positive attention, but perhaps a halter top and capris, some stylish sandals would be a better choice. There’s a bit of a rule in fashion (it CAN be broken, as all rules are sometimes meant to be): If you’re showing a lot of skin on top, cover up on the bottom, etc. Mormons are a bit extreme, especially in my state. Somehow it is sinful to have your shoulders showing. I don’t know a single man who lusts after shoulders…try finding more of a balance. You don’t have to cover up completely, but don’t look like, yes, Britany Spears. And yes, freemindmother, women are taught to be submissive in Mormon culture and teachings. Its sad. However, I’m not saying that if a woman, on her own, wants to be a nuturing mother, that is wrong or should be looked down upon. But if a female wants to be a career woman, that’s just as good. Feminism is about choice, whether you wear lipstick or sneakers.
I think you are confusing purity with modesty here. God made his creatures beautiful, and to not celebrate that beauty is an insult against God.
While “Take Me” T-shirts probably aren’t a great choice, worrying over how much skin is covered (or not covered) is an unhealthy obsession! Teach your children Christian values and their actions will speak louder than words. God is not concerned over neckline of your shirt or the cut of your skirt.
As a fellow Christian, I’m afraid your “teaching of modesty” rather disturbs me. It sounds more like training our daughters to be submissive, which could not be further from Christian. We are all created equal in God’s eyes.
You did get it right when you said “value character over appearance” though. THIS is the true lesson here. Celebrate your children for who they are, and allow them to do the same with themselves and others. Trying to conceal beautiful human features smacks of shame and oppression, not Christian values.
I live in Salt Lake Utah, received this link on facebook and laughed. Mormons (or LDS) “founded” Utah (not like there were any PEOPLE here before that…) and, back in the day, women were dressing a bit too fashion forward and sexy for the gents to control their lust (lust is something to be ashamed it seems, and teenage boys and girls certainly don’t have hormones, right?) so “God” decided on modesty. Don’t believe me? Watched the video myself in seminary and we have it at my parents’ house. BUT: Are we still wearing those neck-to-wrist-to-ankle dresses? Hemlines have risen with societies acceptance. So does God follow fashion trends? In the 1950′s, it was considered a “bad girl” trend to wear jeans. Girls are free to wear jeans and dresses now. All this is just a way to stand out, to look on the conservative end of the stylish pool. Why aren’t you all still wearing pioneer dresses? People who dye their hair pink and wear short skirts, you’re the same, just on opposite ends of the spectrum. This isn’t God’s will, this is just so you’ll stand out as a part of something. Simple.
When our daughter (who is now 12 yo) was a pre-schooler, she was VERY TALL for her age (and still is at 5’10″) so we had to shop in the Girls dept (sizes 7 – 14) rather than the pre-school sized area (4 – 6X). One day I saw a shirt with the saying “Take ME I’m YOURS” emblazoned across the chest area. I WAS SHOCKED! And we wonder why so many girls end up pregnant as teenagers! We have a VERY difficult time finding AGE-APPROPRIATE MODEST Clothes for her! Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Love your post. If it is ok I would like to post it to our facebook page “modesty issues by Modest Apparel USA” http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=245172612195&ref=ts
Thanks,
Laurie
thank you so much for this information.it will help me get through the tough times that lay ahead of me.i am a teenage girl who has trouble trying to find modest clothing,and i never quite understood why some clothings were not approiate for a young women.but from this it helps me understand more. yes you are correct kids are growing up faster.when i see little girls dressed up like britney spears per say its descuiss me.they are little kids not women,they should not be wearing such sexual clothing.its terrible.i do thank you for helping me with this subject it means alot..God bless you.
Thank you so much for your wisdom and insight on this subject. I have a fourteen year old daughter and am currently trying to teach her the value of modesty which is so hard at a time when everything around her speaks so loudly against it. I really can use this information to speak to her more effectively and I am very grateful to have guidance from someone who has already “been there”. Thank you again and God Bless You.