A Wonderful Work
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All my life, I’ve been told that I was beautiful – by my parents, my family, and my extended church family. Never once in my life had anyone that I loved and respected planted a seed of doubt about my beauty, my smarts, or my humor. Having the benefit of validation carried me through bullying and teasing in elementary school, and gave me unbelievable confidence in both my faith in God and in myself. I was confident in my plans to become a nurse, so sure about my future. Then everything spiraled out of my control.
I noticed that my moods and emotions were getting out of control, hard for me to handle. They became so intense that I couldn’t even concentrate on anything. I would get depressed for a few weeks, then wake up feeling like I drank ten cups of coffee and ready to face the world, non-stop. This would last for weeks before I became depressed again, even suicidal.
In October of 2007, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I haven’t looked at myself the same way since then.
In the wake of my diagnosis, I began to struggle with things that I thought I’d never have to struggle with. I was so hurt, afraid, and intensely sad. Suddenly, that beautiful, smart, funny, confident girl was gone. Even though my illness was unseen, it felt as though everyone could see it and that caused the greatest sense of shame and failure I had ever felt in my life. I could have done something to prevent it, I thought. I should’ve known.
I shrank away from church, I began to self-loathe, self-pity, criticize, and distort all that I’d known to be true about myself. When I looked into the mirror every morning, I cried because I wasn’t good enough. I was flawed, I was abnormal, I was crazy … sick.
Not Good Enough for God
Well, if I’m not good enough for myself, then I couldn’t possibly be good enough for God, I thought. Every time I thought about reading the Scriptures, praying, or going to church, I would always feel discouraged, ashamed, empty; I felt like I had nothing to offer God but anger, whys, resentments, and sorrows. A regular Cain, I was. Certainly, God wouldn’t want to hear that. I know I wouldn’t.
But a near-death situation forced me to reevaluate my life. I’d been handling my diagnosis and my relationship with God on my own terms, and I thought rather bitterly, “Pfft … how’s that workin’ for ya?”
I picked up my Bible and began to read, and that was when I allowed God to restore me.
The Lord showed me the most incredible love and mercy through that hard time.
I got on my knees and prayed Psalm 17: 6: “I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer.” In that moment I released those fears, insecurities, doubts, and guilt that I had about myself and about my life with BPD. It took much consistency in prayer, reading the Word, and attending church to get me to where I am now. To get here, I had to be real, up front with God, really seeking his face to turn the view I had of myself around. He put this scripture on my heart:
Psalm 139: 14: “I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
It honestly made me smile, and filled me with peace. God did love me, he spent time making me, shaping me, and in His eyes, I would always be exactly who He made me to be: His daughter, His beloved child.
His infinite, transcendent love makes me more than a diagnosis, more than a disorder.
I could barely grasp the eternal weight of that knowledge. I am a wonderful work!
You Are a Wonderful Work!
God spent time on us. He oversaw every detail so that He could breathe life into the people we are today. Genesis 1:31: “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.” God delights in his creation; God delights in us because we were made in his image. In Him, there is no shame, no guilt, no ugliness, no lack, or doubt. God loves us, His creations, His sons and daughters.
Has a diagnosis or a tough situation affected your self-esteem? Has your perception of yourself affected your perception of God? Has your relationship with God suffered because of that?
Have you been diagnosed with something and you are asking God “Why?” Are you not handling it well? Do you need to talk to someone? Talk to one of our mentors, it’s free and confidential!
I was looking for a special article on prayer for my Sunday School Class. My title is “Is that your final answer?” Thanks for sharing I think this article will be great in encouraging the ladies of my class. Thanks you.
I must agree in turning over our problems to God. However, God does give us the power to seek treatment for these maladies. God and the treatment will bring us who suffer from and diagnoised mental illness. Depending upon the treatment only is not healing and I am convinced that we must give our prayers to Him and to the doctors who treat us.
ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE IN GODS NAME.JUST BELIEVE IN HIM HE IS ABLE AND JUST
Hellow Beautiful ladies out there,
Am trully blessed with your messages of encouragement.I was in bad situation at the office just two weeks ago,and I wanted to solt everything out by myself but trust me I’ve failled and I’ve realised that its only God in his son Jesus that everything is possible,and guess what,I believe his going to work it out.
You know what GOD has power on anything on this world and heaven,Remember through his son Jesus he healed many people why not you?!!, he is the same yesterday,today and Tommorrow and forevermore he will be.If you can only bealive in him,he is abble to heal even at the same time you pray it takes only faith in him.He has never failled.I remember I was dignosed with ashma in 2004 but the time I was prayed and believed in my heart I’ve never suffered from ashma.Just believe guys GOD never faills.
MAY GODS LOVE AND GRACE BE WITH YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!
that’s a nice article. thanks for sharing… we do go through that but we have to remember to stick to the vine.. ^_^
I thank the God in you for divinely inspiring you to share your experience with us. My prayer for you is that God richly bless you with all the fruits of Christ’s Spirit. I was diagnosed with BDP about 5 years ago. The disorder began rearing it’s ugly head at puberty, but 25 years ago(and being a child)I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. I allowed men to use me, abuse me, my self-esteem was on the ground, the guilt, hurt, shame, defeat & loneliness was so deep-rooted, it felt normal(because I was sick & not getting help)I know first hand about being humiliated & degraded, I thought that was all I was worth. I grew accustomed to my life being this way. I had no appetite, I didn’t want to get out of bed, the depression was a deep, dark abyss with no light at the end of the tunnel. Crying everyday, Don’t know what to do or say. In a rage(why can’t I have a loving husband, car, nice home) I’m not a bad person. I would tell God, I don’t want to die, but I want to stop feeling like this. Being sick without a diagnosis, medication, talk therapy, Jesus Christ, a support system & stability(emotionally, financially, etc) is immensely painful, that’s why so many of us self-medicate(drinking & drugging)to feel better, to numb the pain. I am taking my medications, the same time, every day. I utilize HALT: don’t get too hungry, too angry, too lonely, too tired. halt,get it? I refuse to have toxic relationships(that includes relatives)I am stable(not constantly moving because of evictions,the evictions because I’m not financially stable, because I was too sick to keep a job)I pray(I pray over my medicine)I get enough sleep, I read the Bible, listen to gospel music, I eat(not always the right foods)I know I should exercise but for some reason I haven’t gotten around to doing that. I believe we can not only survive BPD, but thrive. I don’t care about the “stigma” I tell people about my illness so that more people are educated. God bless & heal each & every one of you. Amen(and so it is)
WOW. I am emailing a copy of this article to my daughter, who also suffers from bipolar and has many of the same self concepts that you shared. I pray it will help her come to realize that she, too, is wonderfully, beautifully made in Christ. (Something I’ve been trying to get her to see, but bc I am ‘the mom’ she tends to brush me off) Thank you for sharing such an intimate and personal part of yourself, as it gives others the hope of healing and restoration. May God bless you and bring you favor.
God bless you dear one for sharing your testimony. My first three children were diagnosed as having SS genotype.I cannot confess enough of God’s faithfulness through the years in sustaining them. The oldest is now 16 and God has performed His counsel upon their lifes that their health hardly fails except for the few times minor ailments. we also do not frequent hospitals as a result of crisis which are so far and apart. Greatest of all, I have God’s promise of perfect healing and it shall come to pass in Jesus name. Amen!
Thanks for the inspiring article. God bless you with the peace you long for.
AMEN! So true Tenisha. Words of Wisdom I must say. God Bless “YOU”! Hugsss!
This is an amazing story. From reading the first two paragraphs I had a good idea what the symptoms described. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in Oct. 2003. Just 3 months after I gave my life to Christ. At that time I experienced some of the same emotions and behaviors. But I also found myself worrying and I had racing thoughts (too many uncontrolled ideas in my mind).
For me today it takes daily self-control. Including prayer, reading the Word, proper nutrition and sleep, weekly fellowship with other believers, and controlling what I listen to among many other things. I’ve had great success despite the disorder.
2 Timothy 1:7 says “For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and of a Sound-Mind”. God Bless All.
Hi Domonique, An inspiring article. May God bless you abundantly for sharing this.
My sister was diagnosed with Bipolar a few years ago and I understand her experiences better, once I read your story.
I will continue to pray with you and for many others who now live through similar episodes, as a result of this disorder and environmental factors.
Thanks and blessings, Makenna.
I am struggling with anxiety attacks that I have had since I was a child. They come and go. As a child, and young adult, I didn’t know what they were and didn’t seek help I just tried to deal with it. Right now, when I feel an attack coming on, I pray and ask God for help. It’s an awful feeling. You feel like a walking time bomb waiting to blow up. I have thoughts of doom; unhappiness; I think of my relationship failing and it has not but I feel it will. Then other times, everything is fine. But I know pray works and I thank God for that.
Thank You very much. I believe this will help me when I have flash backs, but I believe the verses you have given and the way you have used them will be very effective for a great many people. Thank You May God Bless you richly.
Very good article. Lord may this help many and bring them to the understanding that “YOU” do know where they are at and that “YOU” will take them out of it as well. God Bless all who are reading this!
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