You mentioned how humiliating it is to admit that you’ve been hit. If you can, try to remember that this is not your fault. You did not DO this, it was done TO you. There is nothing you could have done to deserve this and the fact that it has been going on for years does not make it ok, nor does it mean that it was somehow “your choice”. People say “well you should leave” and while there is some truth to that, it is incredibly hard to actually do that. Which is why you need support. Call one of the numbers at the link above and let them help you. Yes, it’s hard, but it’s not impossible if you don’t have to do it alone.

The only way that this will be the last time he hits you is if you leave or call the police. I wish there was a third option, but I really don’t think that there is one. If he had only done this once it would have been one time too many. You have a lifetime of injuries, but you don’t have to have a future full of them. You’ve taken the first step – you told someone what was going on. That’s huge. Can you take one more step and make that call? Don’t think too far down the path, you’ll get overwhelmed. Just look to one more step. Pick up the phone and call. Then take one step after that. You can do this. The list of numbers is here.

This is what I prayed for you just now: Dear Father, Please be with Marian. My heart breaks to hear about what she has been through and I know that it breaks your heart too. Give her courage Father. She has fought this battle alone for so long, give her just a little more strength, enough to pick up the phone and call for help. Remind her how precious she is and how much you love her. Give her a clear mind so she can choose what she wants to do next. I know that she’s scared, I would be too. Calm her heart. Remind her that although her husband has made her feel powerless, she is not powerless. She is stronger than she realizes. Help her. Protect her. Make a way for her in this wilderness, a path where there was not a path before. Comfort her and help her to feel how much you love her. Keep her safe. Amen.

I hope you know how incredibly brave you are to get out. It is really, really hard to leave someone you love even when it is the very best thing you can do, even when you must do it. I’m sure you must feel very exposed and scared right now, but know that you have already done the hardest part. You did it. You made the choice to survive and in time, it will get easier. In the short term, do what you need to do to stay safe. Get some support.

It is going to take time for your heart to heal. Are you able to see a counsellor? When you’ve experienced abuse it can be really helpful to have a professional to talk through things with. You’re probably going to be very confused. You have loved someone who wasn’t safe for 18 years. Unfortunately, we can’t just turn off our hearts. You will probably still love him for quite some time. But as you know, loving him doesn’t mean that you can live with him. There’s a long road ahead but I know that you are strong enough to walk it because you have already done the hardest part. Take a deep breath, this isn’t going to be fast but I promise you that it will be worth it.