The Blessings of Loneliness

Written by Sabrina Beasley

Loneliness had gripped me. In two years, five of my roommates were married, not to mention countless other friends, and I was tired of being left behind. At times I hurt so badly I would fall on my knees and beg God through tears to take my pain away. What I didn’t know then, was that God was using that pain to bring me to the sweetest love affair of my life, but it wasn’t by bringing me a man to fall in love with; it was by making me more like the Man who already loved me.

“Three times a bridesmaid, never a bride” rang in my ears. Although I was thrilled to stand beside some of the best women I have ever known, I still felt the fear of being left behind. I wondered what was wrong with me; I wondered what I could do to make myself more desirable; I wondered if I would be lonely forever.

Me, me, me…it was all I thought about. I tried to repair my inadequacies by reading Christian self-help books—how to prepare for marriage and motherhood and how to understand men. It was all really good information, but it didn’t fill my void of loneliness.

One night, I got down on my knees and cried out to God that he would take my pain away. I was so tired of being unwanted and without love. As I lay there, crumpled on the floor, He reminded me of 1 John 4:8 that says, “God is love.” I knew in my heart that if I wanted to experience true love, I needed to concentrate on my relationship with Him, not on a relationship of this world.

I turned my reading to the Scriptures, as I wanted to know the very heart of the Lord. As John 1:1 says, “…The Word was with God, and Word was God.” I started at Genesis and read my way through the entire Bible. In it, I found nothing but the love of God for His people and specifically for me. I knew I was imperfect, but I found in Psalms 139:13-16, that He created me, knew me, and loved me just as I was.

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.

It was that love that drew me closer to the heart of God. And the closer I got to Him, the more His light revealed the selfishness I was covered with. The Lord didn’t take my pain away, but He used it to refine my life, just as fire purifies gold (Malachi 3:3).

Loneliness became a reminder of the cross, the sacrifice of my own desires for those of the Lord. Jesus tells us in Matthew 16:24-25, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”

It wasn’t until I embraced the cross and the death of myself that I finally realized that life wasn’t about my desires, but it was about showing the love of Christ to others. The pain I went through allowed me to identify with others’ pain and to counsel many women through feelings of loneliness, rejection, inadequacy, and the pain of broken relationships.

Loneliness became a tool that enabled me to have the time to make lunch appointments with other women who needed counsel, start Bible studies, memorize scripture, pray for long periods of time, and read, read, read. It was a luxury, not afforded to those in serious relationships or marriages.

As Paul says, “The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:34). I had been given a great gift, and it was given to me at the lowest point in my life.

So many Christians forget that God calls us to the low places. He calls us to be lowly (Psalm 138:6), to be humble (James 4:6), to be meek (Matthew 4:5 KJV). He even calls us to die (Romans 6:3-5). None of these come easily, and they often require pain. But we’ve been promised recognition, grace, inheritance, and everlasting life in return.

The popular Christian music group Caedmon’s Call sings a song called “Valleys Fill First” that points out that when the rain falls, the water flows to the lowest places, filling the valleys first. The blood of Christ was meant to flow to those who are hurting and struggling. Jesus said, “It is not those who are well who need a physician, but those who are sick” (Luke 5:31).

I was one who felt His healing touch in my life. Even though I was lonely, in an earthly sense, the void was more than filled, even overflowing, with satisfaction and a sense of belonging.

My time of hurting lasted about two years, and then God chose to release me. About the time my pain ended, and I was satisfied with my single status, God brought me the man that I would eventually marry.

I am happy where I am, and I’m grateful for the blessing of the man that God has provided—he truly is everything I had ever longed for. But there are days when I miss the blessing of loneliness. Those were days when I was forced to seek my intimacy in the Lord, and they were indeed sweet days.

I pray now for others who are in that place that they, too, would have a life-changing experience caused by the pain of loneliness. My advice to every lonely heart, single or not, is this: love the Lord, seek His face, read His word, and share His love with others. And you will experience the blessing of loneliness.

It’s Not Too Late to Live a Life of Significance.

Taken from www.familylife.com. Copyright © 2004, used by permission.

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324 Responses to “The Blessings of Loneliness”

  • Chris Chris says:

    zoe…i stand with you for the new move of christ in your life! we can be courageous in christ cant we!! forge ahead in jesus because he truly is the captain of your salvaiton!

  • Zoe says:

    Hello, I would like prayer for loneliness and long suffering. You see I have been married 4 years Sept 17 this year. My husband and I have been having marital problems for the past 2 years. He is an alcoholic and a heavy cigarette smoker. I have endured the pain of our marriage for so long; he never slept with me in the same bed the 4 years we were together; we didn’t do anything together NOTHING. I have been a loyal, loving, respectful, faithful wife. He doesn’t hold a drivers license so I would have to drive him to work at night; no matter how tired I was I still would have to drive him. Oct 26th was the straw that broke the camels back. He was drunk had been drinking all day. He had been going back and forth in and out of the door over to the neighbors it was quite late in the evening. He had fallen asleep on the couch. I was in the laundry room, he didn’t know I was there when he come into the kitchen to spit into the kitchen sink. I said, you better not spit in that sink, go to the bathroom. He turned to go back to the living room where he always sleep. I turned out the dining room light and kitchen light. He looked at me as if he wanted to hit me and said you don’t pay no lights in here and turned them back on. I said you didn’t need them on if you were going to go back to sleep I turned them out. He walked back and turned them on; I turned them off and turned back to walk towards the laundry room; he turned them on and immediately hit me in the back of the head three times with his fist and on my shoulder on the right side and pushed so hard that I desecrated my pajama bottoms. I prayed everyday for my husband and my marriage. I pray for my husband’s health and for him to love and respect as his wife. He flirted with women on his job, at the party’s he would attend and he would talk and send text messages on his cell phone to them. I was literally burned out. I left Sunday Oct 27th the day after he got arrested for domestic violence and simple battery family towards me. He is in the world that he is to blind to see how he has destroyed our home and marriage. However, I am finding peace with myself and with God. I am more focus and not backed into a corner or in the dark. My days of pain and hurt are not over; however, I am able to forgive my husband so I can move forward with my life; finding a full-time job, completing my CDA training and my college degree in Early Child Care Education. I thank God for my good friend and her children for opening their hearts and home to me. I love God for being with me and my trial with my husband it is a Spiritual battle that is being fought and it is not over yet. Please continue to pray for strength and guidance for me.

  • Sharon Sharon says:

    to mike I can try can I???? maybe a person who is a stranger can pray for you or at least try. from Sharon

  • Mike says:

    To Sharon…Don’t bother..if my very own personal prayers are never answered- What makes you think, some complete stranger on an internet forum can accomplish it?

  • Sharon Sharon says:

    to mike I am sorry you don’t think God does no exist and doesn’t listen HE does exist and HE does listen prayer–father God I pray that you will show yourself real to mike and that you do listen to his cries and do hear him I pray for a miracle for him this Christmas season and I pray for his hearts desire for whatever he is desiring God I pray all of this in JESUS name amen. I am praying for you mike from Sharon

  • luisa Carmela says:

    Thanks again Chris for the reading you sent me.
    Very appropriate

    Could I please wish Baby Jesus’s richest blessings on all on this
    Site for Christmas and the New Year
    Luisa

  • Mike says:

    God doesn’t exist…he’s just another man made story, to get you to think there’s hope.
    Nature is real….Stop praying to a supposed god that doesn’t listen..

  • Chris Chris says:

    luisa…ps 147.3 is for thee!!

  • luisa Carmela says:

    Thank you Chris for everything. Mau the Holy Spirit guide you in your wonderful work for the brokenheartedluisa

  • Chris Chris says:

    luisa…from what you are saying, you were seeking some changes in your marriage. without knowing the details, i assume your husband wasnt committing adultery but just being hard to live with. you seperated hoping to see some changes which apparently didnt happen. he then abandoned you, divorced you and married someone else which both Matthew 19 and 1 cor 7 say are valid reasons to remarry. you dont have to feel you are disobeying God. what he says in his Word is the principle we can live by. blessings!!

  • luisa says:

    Thank you for your quick response. It is the first letter I have had for 15 yrs since my separation and then subsequent divorce initiated by my husband that has made me feel ok.
    However if I could please ask some more questions. Re abandonment I left the house hoping that as he had promised in earlier times he would come and find me and we could work it out. The reason being after many tries at counselling, I was told ‘There is nothing wrong with me (him) it is you and the kids so no more counselling and you get out if you want cause I am not going anywhere’.
    Divorce never entered my mind. Then I was served by divorce papers by a mutual friend. He has since married and moved on.
    The other query I have is…. is it not being presumptuous to just go and do what I want knowing that my God will forgive me anyway.
    I really appreciate your input as I have been suffering loneliness etc for 15 yrs.
    Luisa

  • Chris Chris says:

    luisa…sorry to hear of your struggles. the bible is clear in Matthew 19 and 1 cor 7 that either adultery or abandonment are clear reasons for being able to remarry. God would never punish an innocent person the rest of their lives for something someone else did nor would he punish someone the rest of their lives even if they did make a mistake. see John 8. i pray that you would take your liberty in the holy spirit according to 2 cor 3.17 and dont let wrong religious teaching put you into a spiritual corner you cant get out of. be sure too that jesus is your personal lord and savior by faith and through his grace alone, not by Works. ephes 2.8 to 9. for more information on having a powerful and living relationship with christ and to be able to live by what he says and not by what others say, go to knowingjesuspersonally.com. i pray jesus bring you the mate you need and that you would be blessed in his happiness. ps 35.27 amen

  • Luisa says:

    Have been battling loneliness for a while now. I have been unlucky in love. I know God loves me and I feel His presence every day but I wonder if this is my cross to bear in life.
    I have loved and cared for many people and now feel I need to be looked after.
    I am a practicing Catholic and have tried the annulment way with no success. So what do I do now. I cant love or be loved by the opposite sex because that would be adultery. So whats the alternative…..

  • angel says:

    JIM E, I AGREE IT IS HORRIBLE FOR CHRISTIANS TO SAY YOU LACK FAITH. CHRISTIANS ARE NOT PERFECT PEOPLE SAD TO SAY. THEY CAN BE JUST AS INSENSITIVE AS THE WORLD. CONCENTRATE ON PHILLIPIANS CHAPTER 4. GOD BLESS YOU

  • Barbara Alpert Barbara Alpert says:

    Looks like there is a great deal of interaction going on regarding loneliness, being married, and wanting meaningful relationships. One thing I have learned in meeting married people is that many are dissatisfied and feel lonely in their marriages. Only the Lord can truly fill and satisfy the human heart. For those that are single and are searching for relationships, have you give any thought to perhaps starting a singles small group at your local church? I attend a very large church and we function well through small group fellowship. Many lasting, healthy, friendships form from them.

  • Chris says:

    Hello Kathryn-it isn’t that I expect life to be all joy and peace, but that it would be nice to have at least some joy and peace instead of this endless struggle with being autistic and with the aftermath of serious physical illnesses, with having no family at all, with this loneliness.

  • Kathryn Kathryn says:

    It is indeed sad to be lonely and feel that God will not show you some one with whom you can share the wonders of Christian marriage. I am probably older than most of you who have taken the time to write in and share but I do not believe that God actually promises that life will be all joy and peace. There is so much suffering and unhappiness in the world that we are just one of many experiencing the command to take up the cross to follow Christ. To me, the only certain way to be at peace is to truly be His disciples so that this fills our lives with a peace that passes all understanding. Then truly we will joyfully look forward to the promises which we know await us when we are with Him in glory.

  • Chris says:

    Hello Jim-I feel pretty much the same way as you do when I read in the Bible that God says ‘It is not good for man to be alone’ because like you I am completely alone. When people say that God wants the best for us, how is living in such emptiness and loneliness the ‘best?’ And, yes, some Christians can be arrogant and patronising towards single people, assuming that we have a defect in our faith or our character which is why we are alone, while they of course are perfect because they were lucky enough to meet someone. I am close to giving up on finding any real fulfilement or joy in this life and am thinking it will only come in the next life.

  • samson says:

    i cry reading your struggles and the loneliness you have spent …to be honest such is life..i my self face alot ..we are poor but we still help, but when they get on their feet they dont remember us ….God bless you

  • Chris Chris says:

    jim e….i regret to hear of your struggles. i understand what you are saying, if God says one thing, it would be preposterous to think he would do something else. after walking with christ 40 years and having married myself and received other promises, i have found one thing to be very important, and that is active, determined, dog-with-a-bone type faith that wont let go of God and his promise until he brings its manifestation. we see this in gen 32, Matthew 15, heb 11, mathtew 8, among many other verses. what do i do when my prayer doesnt seem to be being answered? i press in even stronger through fasting and acting my faith to see the answer come forth. forcing Gods hand? no. its the difference james 2 makes about faith with Works vs. faith without Works. as you examine your faith and conscience now, let the holy spirit show you how to enter into a true realm of believing, active and living faith. you will find i believe that jesus will come through for you as you do. blessings!

  • anuli says:

    May I also suggest Jim that you ask St Jude to intercede for your intention. He was one of Jesus’s disciples, and so he witnessed Jesus and his teachings first hand. He spread the Gospel message wide and far. Very little idms known about him hence he is known as the saint of last resort/desperate & hopeless ccauses! I recently visited his shrine for the first time during a 9 day novena I was saying and 2 out of 4 of the intentions i asked him to pray for havecome to pass. Yes pray to God directly and ask everyone, friends, family and the saints in heaven, to pray for your needs too. God hears our prayers, but you need to trust He has a plan for our salvation and that takes precedence over evetything! Be persistent in prayer though, remember Matthew 7:7-11, Matthew 6:7-13… But most of all keep your eyes focused on how can I,in my current life situation, serve God through loving Him and my neighbour… then also look out fkr the opportunities He lays out for you each day to take up. Ask yourself at the start of each day – who has asked me for my help that i havnt yet responded to? Who do i need to take steps to reconcile with, to forgive? What outstanding work have i been neglecting that i now need to complete? What decisions have i been putting off that i now need to confront?

    Start ordering your life through prayer AND actions towards the establishment of the kingdom of God on earth (where love has primacy) and the rest of your life will fall into place :)

    God bless

  • anuli says:

    Did my mesage get posted?

  • anuli says:

    Hi Jim, im sorry you are feeling so discouraged. It sounds like you are in a place I have been in several times snd its not nice. In fact when I read your comment it reminded me of what I had spoken to God this morning, I had questioned God about that same passage of scripture this morning (no joke)! I was drawn to turning to the catechism of the catholic church (if you are not familiar with it, its basically a book that cotains all the octrine of the Catholic faith and this includes explanations of scripture passages). I read about the meaning of Divine Providence and my since then my sou

    l has been relieved of the despair and discouragement i have been experiencing for some time related to having a lack of career direction in life and uncertainty about vocation to marriage or consecrated life. God’s providence is ordered towards fulfilling His plan for salvation of the world and He invites us to participate in His plan.

    CCC 302: Creation. has its own goodness & proper perfection, but it did not spring forth complete from the hands of the Creator. The universe was created “in a state of journeying” toward an ultimate perfectionn yet to be attained, tk which God has destined it. We call “divine providence” the dispositions by which God guides his creation toward this perfection:

    By his providence God protects and governs all things which he has made, “reaching mightily from one end of the earth to the other, and ordering all things well.” For “all are open and laidbare to his eyes,” even those things which are yet to comme into existence through the free action of creatures.
    God has absolute sovereignty over the course of events: “Our God is in the heabens; je does whgatever he pleases,” (ps 115:3) And so it is with Christ, “who opens & no one shall shut, who shuts and no one opens.” (Rev 3:7) As the book of Proverns states: “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will be established.”.

    And so we see the Holy Spirit, the principle author of Sacred Scriptire, often attributing actions to God without mentioning anysecondary causes.This is not a “primitive mode of speech”, but a profound way of recalling God’s primacy and absolute Lordship over history & the world, and so of educating his people to trust in him. The prayer of the Psalms is the great school of trust (cf. Psalms 22; 32; 103; 138; et al). Jesus asks for childlike abandonment to the providencce of our heavenly Fathet who takes care of his children’s smallest needs: Mt 6:31-33.

    God is sovereign master of his plan. But to carry it out he also makes use of his creatures’ cooperation. This use isnot asign of weakness, but rather s token of almighty God’s greatness and goodness. For God grants his creatures not only their existence, but also the dignity of acting on their oen, of being causes and principles for each other, & thus of cooperating ooin the accomplishment of his plan. (CCC 306)

    How awesome is that! God wants you and me to be part of His ultimate an and each of us has a role to play in building His kingdom of love, peace, justice and mercy! Each moment of our day is to contribute to building a culture of love. Seek His kingdom first actively, work for His kingdom and see the rewards. There is a lot for you to contribute to in this world – in giving love you will experience joy. Reflect on what God has given you and done fkr you,& ask Him what He wants you to do with all He has given you and start doing it! Make the most of what you have and you will start experiencing true joy :)

  • jim e says:

    I want to say that when is god going to answer prayers like answer to loneliness. what I hate about christianity is it substitute reality with ‘word’ of god. what will you do if you are hungry; you eat. likewise if you are hurting from loneliness what do you do. many times all i experience from christianity is this endless HOPE that something will happen. while other people are moving on, you are stuck trying to figure out a verse. anyway, i wonder what happened to ‘unconditional’ love & god says ‘it is NOT good for man (or woman) to be alone. you do all those ‘christian’ things at church like ‘seek ye first the kingdom of god & all these things will be added unto to. well, what a waste of time. and adding insult to injury, you will hear other arrogant christians accuse you of lack of faith. what is the purpose of christianity?most of the time it is just a waste of time.

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