When Friends Fail You
A fresh wave of anguish flooded over Emily as she recalled the shocking conversation between her and Lindsay. They had been best friends, sisters of the heart for the past 15 years, and now the relationship was destroyed. Lindsay had no desire to reconcile. Emily needed to deal with the intense pain and come to terms with the broken relationship.
The loss of a dear friend is one of the most painful things a woman can encounter. Still, these broken relationships can provide a platform for growth.
Some friends grow apart because their lives become filled with other interests or move apart. The most painful broken relationship is the one that separates as a result of unresolved conflict.
Whatever the reason, friendships come and go in our lives. When the special friendships you thought would last a lifetime are broken or lost, the wounds may require loving care in order to heal.
Life Lesson: Time management
Are you still growing spiritually?: Check your compass and let God lead you
1. Grieve for the lost friendship. Grieving a lost relationship may take weeks, months or even years. A lot depends on how the friendship ends.
- Admit the relationship has ended. Acceptance is the all-important positive side to rebuilding. You do not have to take on a load of guilt in order to accept that the relationship is over. Stay out of the “if only” game. The pain is intense as you realize the relationship has ended.
- Suffer and grow. The way past the pain is to go all the way through it. The pain you are feeling is real. It hurts. Allow yourself to feel the pain. Use it as motivation to grow and make the crisis into an opportunity. The pain can be an excuse to remain bitter, angry, unhappy, or it can help you grow.
2. Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms. As you go through this painful process, check yourself so as to avoid these unhealthy coping mechanisms.
- Withdrawing – Sometimes hurting people hide so others will not suspect their fear.
- Becoming a busy-aholic – Hiding behind busyness may delay the healing process and can also be very tiring.
- Fearing aloneness – Being alone can provide time for introspection, reflection, growth and development of the inner self. Emptiness can be replaced by inner fullness and strength. There is a healthy balance in spending time with others and being alone.
3. Let go
Close friendships require an interest in other people, empathy, loyalty and commitment. They also require the letting go of idealistic expectations and unrealistic demands. In letting go, we grow. Sometimes this may even require letting go of the friendship entirely.
- Forgive. Forgiveness is an act of the will on the part of the offended person releasing the perpetrator even though you do not condone what they have done. Trust, however, needs to be earned. This is particularly important in dysfunctional relationships. If you are seeking inner freedom, forgiveness is not an option — you simply must. Forgiveness involves realizing how much the Lord has forgiven. It enables you to forgive and see others’ failures through the eyes of mercy. Good friends are good forgivers.
- Deal with your emotions. Acknowledge the feelings of love, anger, bitterness, feelings of vindictiveness and look at them realistically. Invest emotionally in your own personal growth instead of investing in the dead relationship.
4. Risk loving again. Intimacy is risky, no doubt about it. Reaching out may result in rejection. Then why do it and get hurt? Why not play it safe? The cost is too high to not ever take the risk — there are friends in your future who will be worth the risk and you may never know them if you don’t try again.
- Make yourself vulnerable. It is easy to fear rejection. If someone wants to share, but seems hesitant, lead the way by opening up first. It is a precious gift to your friends when they personally discover that you cherish confidentiality and hold their secrets close to your heart. Remember, vulnerability hastens bonding.
- Realize the risk is worthwhile. As you reflect on the friends of your life, realize some were in your life for only a season. Each of your friends has woven into your being some of the very fiber of who you have become. Realize you may never know why some relationships end: Reflect on the positive blessings and the impact a friendship made on your life during the happy times. If the friendship was filled with betrayal and pain, reflect on the growth that took place in your own life as you learned to deal with this.
Finally, realize that going through a broken relationship leaves you with a choice — to become bitter or better. Bitterness will only destroy you and never the person with whom you are angry. Which one will you choose?
My Best Friends & I
by Karen L. Schenk
Throughout the years
I have had many different girls and women as my best friends.
They have all been very different from each other.
Yet somehow they have all been similar.
They had characteristics that blended with mine.
They were kindred spirits with me –
they were truly the soulmates of my life.
Together, these best friends and I
have laughed, cared, talked, listened, and cried.
Together we played, worked, and dreamed.
Such special friends were they, that at times,
we enjoyed doing nothing together.
Years have gone by
and I sometimes wonder
where they have all gone.
Some have moved.
Some developed different interests.
These were friends whom I once thought
I could never live without.
The best friends of my life
have had an integral part
in me becoming who I am today.
They brought out the best and the worst in me.
They loved me enough to confront, to challenge and to console.
They encouraged me in my strengths and
helped me overcome my weaknesses.
Though I know not where they live,
have discovered where they all left something for me.
It is a room — a delightful room which lies within my heart.
It is one of my most favorite places.
I go there when I am lonely, sad
or when I want to remember… and be with
the treasured golden memories
the best friends of my life left for me.
Forever — my friends will be a part of me
as I hold onto and cherish them
in that special room in my heart.
If you’re going through trouble with a friend, and need someone to talk with, we’re always here to listen. Contact us anytime.
Hi Robin, what has happened between you that created such tension between you? Yours is a unique situation in that it will be hard to avoid one another. Your conflict will be a destructive aspect of the family relationships. It seems to me that reconciliation would be a path worth pursuing. You may not get back to being best friends but perhaps you can become friendly toward each other. Let me invite you to talk with one of our online mentors. They can help you look at options of how to make peace with your sister-in-law. You will find a mentor request form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor.
But I’m at a loss what you do when someone who was once your best friend for 10+ years and who is now also your sister-in-law (I married her husband’s brother) but you can’t stand each other anymore but have to pretend to get along. It’s so awful.
good article– we do have to be careful on what or who we share things with friends of course they will fail us they are human like us, i don’t have many good friends but i am careful on what i share with people God has made us to be friends with people and for people to be friends with us, God made us for relationships with people.
I’ve been dealing with a friendship that has been very difficult for months now. However, the culprit seems to be her controlling boyfriend who has made sure that she feels guilty for spending time with her friends or even her kids. She & I used to do some things together socially (outside of work). Now, I don’t even want to see her at work because I never know what kind of mood she’ll be in. Her moods depend totally & completely upon how he’s treating her. Their relationship is dysfunctional at best and abusive at worse. When she first started acting hot/cold with me back in the summer, I made a sincere effort to talk to her about her behavior and about even talking to a counselor if she could not talk to me. It did no good because she was not ready to listen. In the months since then, she has been rude to other co-workers & I know people outside of work (or even other friendships) have gotten her venom. She’s not an emotionally healthy person to be around. My resolution for 2012 was to not put up with her hot or cold moods anymore. I’m not her problem; her boyfriend is the problem. I no longer call her. She has called me a time or two & the conversation was fine but I know that the good mood isn’t going to last. So, I’m not setting myself up for a fall again. She will have to figure out why her friends aren’t around anymore. However, I’m still grieving about this as I cared a lot for her & we have been close friends for a number of years now. Sad but at least I’m not the only one to deal with such a situation.
Kristine it is sad when there is a loss of friendship. As always, it is good to talk through the issues. Go to your friend and find out if there is something that you have done to hurt him in some way. Let him know that you miss the kind of friendship that you once had. Ask him if there is some way to regain that. If he is unwilling then you need to give him the freedom to make that choice and you can then look for other friends that you can build that kind of relationship with. The world is full of wonderful people and you will find someone with whom you can develop a close connection.
hello
i feel so sad when i knew that the one i used to be with for along time i not their anymore. he use to be my best friend. his always their when ever i had problems his the one i use to talk with..but now it seems that he doesn’t want me anymore his enjoying in the company of others
Someguy, you are so right in saying that friendship goes both ways and both people need to work at building the relationship. We should always look for ways that we can encourage others but there are times that it is in everyone’s best interests that the friendship doesn’t continue. It’s hard to accept that but we see a great example of that in the Bible when Paul and Barnabas parted ways, or even when Paul was upset with John Mark. Later in his life Paul actually asked for John Mark to come to him, so God can redeem even the broken pieces of friendships.
Susie – this one is for you, because I have been both in your position and that of your friend.
When you say ” I just wish that some people could realize the pain that they cause others.” did you ever ask that of yourself? probably not, that may be the very reason friendship has ended.
A friendship is a place to give, if you get nothing in return, you at least were a good friend. Don’t punish others for what they can’t give in return, this only pushes them farther away.
Better for both parties to find what they need somewhere where it exists, rather than force it where it doesn’t.
To my former friend Candice… I hope one day you can understand this. Thank you for the time we shared. Best wishes for your future. Sometimes we can be better friends by remaining apart.
The situation I had with a friend was heartbreaking and this was also someone I worked for. I gave a lot- and they treated me very badly and when I stood up for myself was banished from their life. I tried to reach out to them recently- by dropping off a note and Christmas ornament on their doorstep and I got no response whatsoever. I know that they do have issues but it still really hurts to think they can go on about their life as if I don’t exist to them. This person was like family to me and we did have some good times but they are really volatile. I got my heart broken. I have been turning to God and that has helped. I just wish that some people could realize the pain that they cause others.
LMS, we have edited your name to LMS. Please note for the future that you need to input the name that you wish to use before you write your comments.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE take my name off this- I really did not think my name would show up!
Sincerely,
LS
Date of post was July 23, 2010 I have asked before to have my name deleted. Just if you must change to LMS Thank you in advance.
I’m sorry for the pain this relationship has caused you. You are definitely hurting a lot. You are definitely correct that if you keep go thinking about things and don’t let go, that you keep remembering things. One of the things I have found actually helps is to think through people in your life who may be in need of a friend and to show care to them. This site also has a mentoring program where people will talk with you and encourage you. You can talk to one of the mentors by filling out this form at http://icravechange.com/talk. They care a lot.
I so wish that I would get over this whole thing, but I am having lots of trouble.
Seven years ago I hired a girl to work for me. We became close friends. She had many morals that were different then mine, but she worked for me. Long story short I wrote her a very long letter spelling out things that had to change in order for me to continue hiring her to work for me. I introduced her to my friends and now they are all friends. I know that I did the right thing by being honest with her about my feelings. Side note: She falls in love with men who are drug addicts and she is an alcoholic. Why I feel that I need to be her friend still is beyond anything that I can imagine. I for one of the first times in my life was honest with my feelings. I know that she is not good for me, but still think of her everyday. I wish so much that I could let it go. I do feel kind of guilty that I did not try and talk to her about how I was feeling, but there was never a good time.. She always has lots of drama in her life.
Any advice would be so welcome. I have read books, done hypnosis tapes, affiramtions and have talked to so many people about this. I know that if you keep thinking about things that it creates your mind to keep remembering things (I don’t think that made sense)
Any way, I am so done spending this time thinking about someone who will not even give me a second chance.
Broken friendships can be incredibly painful. Every relationship encounters unmet expectations, hurts and opportunities for us to show grace to one another. There are also times in relationships where people have expectations of each other that have not been communicated. Probably one of the least helpful things we can do is to continue to apologize. Once we have apologized, the ball is in the other person’s court. Continuing to do so can become quite unhealthy. There may be issues at play that you are unaware of which may have nothing to do with you. Friendships do come and go, however, each person makes an investment into who you are as a person. Forgiveness is so key to help you move on. Something I found very helpful was to realize that “sometimes the way I perceive the words and actions of another may eclipse the motive of their heart”. I’ve had people hurt me even when their motive was to be helpful. If I begin to try to look at the situation through their eyes, it can really change my perspective and help me to forgive them.
This was very encouraging to me tonight. A long term friendship of mine seems to have ended, or at the very least, been put to a halt indefinitely. In the midst of it, God has given me such a peace that this was what needed to happen. I don’t understand the reasons, but He does. My conscience is clear, in that I feel like I have tried to apologize many times for the ways in which I failed my friend. I keep having to repeat Romans 8:1 to myself. I am praying to grow through this and become more of the person I was created to be in Christ. I hope the same for my friend. Thanks for writing this article and acknowledging that friendships do come and go in this life, and that God is sovereign over that!
Yes, there are times when friends have good intentions, have shown loyalty, integrity and honesty, however, at some point, those friendships tend to grow apart/drift apart. However, when you have friends that fail you b/c of selfishness, envy, jealousy, deceit, etc., then we should question those friendships.
I believe we are living in times where ppl are either spiritually conscious or their conduct is pursuaded by some other negative influence. We have to accept the difference. When a friend isn’t meant to spend their lifetime being a friend, then we are to accept the purpose of that relationship. Not dwell on the negative aspects of it, but savior and embrace the good aspects of the relationship and pray for the person to recognize the benefits of being a genuine friend.
In the past, I spent too much time wondering what went wrong when I was hurt by many friends. I wrote several books and in the process, all my friends drifted in silence, then separation. This was the reaction of ALL my friends. No, I didn’t smudge in their face that I was becoming an entreprenuer, yeah look at me! I would consult w/my friends, share my ideas, offer their suggestions, and the result of my reaching out was dead silence. So I believe as we grow in our journey, some friends may walk along side you and some will walk away. The demise of these friendships has taught me the joy of peace, time to reflect on my purpose, and to build a closer relationship with God.
I’m sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Loss of a friendship is very difficult. Something I have found helpful is to understand that “my perspective of the words and actions of another may eclipse the motive of their hearts”. Usually there are things going on that we don’t know about.
Hello,
I am having a break up of my friendship with people who I am in ministry with. God has directed me to stay and we are all cordial and respectful but the pain is so hard to deal with. I was close to these ppl for several years and I want the friendship to work but I believe it will not. My dearest fried has been reduced to a hello and goodbye acquaintance and we speak surrounding ministry issues. It is very uncomfortable. Sometimes we have conflicts and uneasy brew in the midst of the church. Help!!!