I am scared to leave my homosexual lifestyle
I’m quite fearful, honestly, to leave my homosexual lifestyle behind because it’s the only lifestyle I’ve lived that is comfortable and makes me feel good about myself and loved.
Advice: First of all, I understand that thinking about leaving the homosexual lifestyle is pretty scary for you right now since you feel comfortable and don’t know how to change or what life will be like if you do change.
An analogy
Let me make an analogy of your situation to the person who has an alcohol or drug addiction or any addiction for that matter. Stopping a behavior, ending the relationships and social connections and lifestyle that go along with the addiction, is going to mean a lot of change … and take a lot of courage.
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Let me ask you if you have ever really looked at what you are doing? Have you asked yourself questions like: how is this lifestyle going to affect me five or ten years from now? What do I want in life? What is my identity, and what am I missing out on by not behaving like a heterosexual person?
My guess is that you really are not comfortable being in the gay lifestyle, or you wouldn’t be contemplating leaving. Maybe things are not too bad for you now, but…
What will be the consequences down the road if you stay in this lifestyle?
You are making choices which will affect you forever. The possibility of having a husband and family will become more and more remote. You are making choices about sexual preference which run against the grain of societal norms, and might I say, the very nature of how God made you. Your lifestyle will also keep you from experiencing a close relationship with God – the God of the Bible.
In your heart of hearts, you may be defending your choice to remain in this lifestyle even as you read this message. My question is: what makes you feel defensive? Usually, people feel defensive when they are not confident about what they are doing, about the choices they are making.
Let me say upfront that I do not condemn or judge you. You are accountable to God … not me. How do you feel about your relationship with God? Would you like to learn more about Him and experience a personal relationship with Him? If so, read this article: How to Know God Personally.
Secondly, I’d like to say that it is your conscience that is speaking to you about leaving this lifestyle. A still, small voice inside is telling you that it is not right.
I want to urge you to follow that voice. Take a risk. It will take courage, but it is not an accident that you feel the way you do. I believe it is God who is also telling you to leave and will give you the supernatural power to leave.
What can you do?
You are really afraid to stay any longer – to keep living this way because ultimately it is not fulfilling.
So, if God is telling you leave, then He will go with you into new territory. Just like an alcoholic who makes the “break” leaves the bar and starts going to AA meetings … you can leave and start going to meetings sponsored by Homosexuals Anonymous or Exodus International.
You can also start going to a church where you will get encouragement and spiritual strength to live differently….. according to the way God made you to live.
Obviously, there are no easy answers for any addiction or unhealthy behavior and lifestyle. But underneath your addiction and lust is a deep thirst. A seemingly unquenchable thirst for something to satisfy, something to take away pain, something to bring excitement. In any addiction there is emotional pain that needs numbing, a psychological and physiological need for a high, and a deep spiritual thirst for answers to life and relationship with God. You are looking for answers to your deepest needs in all the wrong places.
In the Bible, Jeremiah 2:13 God says, “My people have committed two sins: they have turned from Me the living water and dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that can hold no water” (NIV). Who quenches the deep thirst for something satisfying in life? Only God. People try to fill that thirst with everything but God and they dig trenches, bigger, longer and wider, trying the same things that don’t work, don’t quench their thirst. Jesus said in John 6:35, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty”(NIV), and in John 6:51, He said, “I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world” (NIV).
You have fallen into a trap and now you need supernatural help to escape. You need to begin with God, counseling and support.
Here are some steps to help set you free from this lifestyle:
1. Finding freedom in Christ
Start by learning who Jesus is and what He can do to set you free from this behavior by reading the Gospel of John in the New Testament. Freedom from any bad habit or addiction comes when you begin a
relationship with Christ.
Jesus said, “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor” (Luke 4:18-19, NIV).
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free,” we read in Galatians 5:1 (NIV).
And in John 8:34-37, we see, “Jesus replied, I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed’ (NIV).
When a person trusts Christ as Lord and Savior, he or she can be set free because Jesus is God and said in John 10:10, “I have come to give you life and give it more abundantly” (NIV).
Jesus sets people free and answers the pain in their lives: where am I going when I die and what am I living for on this earth? He also gives power to overcome the temptations and the addiction when a person surrenders his or her life to Him. People need spiritual change from the inside out.
Jesus wants a personal relationship with you. It is through Him and His power that you will ultimately find true freedom from and victory over this lifestyle and addiction.
2. Finding freedom through prayer and fellowship
Prayer is the key. Praying to Christ for the power to change and power to resist the temptation. Jesus said in Matthew 6:9-13, “This, then, is how you should pray: “‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one” (NIV).
Real freedom comes when we surrender our lives and hearts to God and admit that we cannot overcome this sin in our lives without His help and intervention.
Jesus said in Mark 14:38, “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak” (NIV). Paul writes in Philippians 4:13, “I do all things through Christ Who strengthens me”( NIV).
Find a solid, Christian church to get encouragement and fellowship because Scriptures command us to fellowship with other believers and to pray for one another.
3. Finding freedom through counseling
Since homosexuality is such a deep issue, counseling is usually recommended.
Online counseling is available through CounselCare Connection or Overcomers Outreach, Inc.
I wouldn’t suggest secular counseling because they are usually supportive of the gay lifestyle.
Begin to find freedom for yourself before it’s too late! Get into a support group, get counseling and start over with God – who can give you supernatural help to escape these self-destructive habits! God will help you and bless you as you take a step to follow Him and find real freedom and real life.
For further help
- Christian Ministries for people wanting help to leave homosexuality.
- Find a Homosexuals Anonymous or Exodus International support group near you.
- Read testimonies written by people who have left the lifestyle
- Read inspirational articles on Hoyweb: Ask the Counselor.
- Also on Hoyweb, check out some of these recommended books:
- An Anchor for the Soul: Help for the Present, Hope for the Future, by Ray Pritchard
- NIV Thin Line Bible/Indexed Bonded Leather/Burgundy
- The Search for Significance (workbook included), by Robert McGee
- The Freedom from Depression Workbook, by Les Carter, Frank Minirth
I come to this page with a huge heart, but an aching sense of my inability to adequately address the needs we all – here on this blog, and humans individually – have for love and relationship. I pray that the Lord Jesus’ effectual presence and power, His grace, would bind each of us tighter into loving communities.
One thing I find helpful is to start with the biblical testimony about what it means to be human, rather than start with our myriad ideas and try to work out what it means to be human. That is, theology matters, so on that side note…
Theologically, all of the differences between us that can and should be overcome – unequal distribution of or access to wealth, education, health and so on – are differences that result from the fall and are going to be finally and utterly overcome in the eschaton. Male and female complementarity however, is an intentional part of God’s good creation. The distinction is essential to our humanity; we are more than our gender, but never less. Add to this the fact that theologically, freedom is not the capacity to choose among alternatives. Instead, biblical freedom is the absence of any and all impediments to acting in accordance with our true nature.
Dear Lord Jesus, none of us know who we are apart from Your revelation. We need Your holiness to cover our unrighteousness and we need Your wholeness to heal our wounds. We need You to mediate us to God, and God to us, and us to each other. It is written that “perfect love casts out fear”, but so often we see that fear casts out love. Give us grace to love the other, no matter how different, to love radically. Amen!
Derek, the reason why so many homosexual people push away Christianity is because it is hard to reconcile both. At least it was for me. I came to the proverbial fork in the road. It felt liked to me that I had to make a decision. I could either follow Him, or I could live a lifestyle that I truly did not believe was worthy of His grace.
Hello Help, so what is it about your lifestyle that is wicked and destructive? On what basis do you make that assessment?
Just like this young lady, I’m too trapped in a lifestyle that I need to escape from. I’ve been trying for years—years!—to leave the African-American life. I’ve tried seemingly everything: bleach, hydrogen peroxide, conversion therapy, prayer. Nothing seems to be working. Like is said in this article, I can feel that tinge of despair every time I look in the mirror, and I can hear that little voice telling me that this isn’t right every time I listen to Motown. What am I not doing right? What more can I give to move away from this wicked, self-destructive lifestyle? Is it my willpower? My devotion to our Lord? Please help me; I’m desolate. Thank you and God bless!
RoX,
I’m glad that this article opened your eyes and heart. There is always a huge struggle where sin is concerned, and walking away from it is never easy. However God helps us to do exactly that.
Derek,
Although you find it hard to believe that someone who is gay would actually leave the homosexual lifestyle, it is not only possible but happens on a regular basis. Whether or not you believe that it is a possibility doesn’t negate the validity of it.
Came to this site in looking for some words to comfort a dying friend and read this blog and comments of struggling.
It has opened my eyes and heart. I truly did not understand that there can be such a struggle ‘in God’. May you find peace knowledge and wisdom in His plan.
I was giving this website consideration until this article. This is disgusting and the very reason so many homosexuals push away from Christianity. Nothing about this article is Christ-like. If someone is leaving a homosexual “lifestyle,” then they were never gay to begin with. I know from personal experience, it’s not some light switch that can be turned off and on.
In many instances, God wants us to deal with that tap root first, to ask the Master Husbandman to help us pull out that tap root, and then the healing can come, the deliverance can be achieved and new ways of living can take root and thrive in us. We can now plant a rose bush in its place…..what a wise statement and so very true. Thanks so much for taking the time to post Cheryl. Do come again!
Hi. I am just passing through but your article and these responses really touched my heart.
I work in the medical field where drugs and surgery do a fine job of relieving the symptoms of physical illnesses, but really do nothing to “heal” them. This is because the underlying cause of the illnesses in the first place have not been healed. So, the illnesses persist, return or even get worse. Heal the underlying causes, and there is no longer a need for drugs or surgery.
In gardening, one can cut a weed to the ground or even manage to pull some of it up. However, as long as that deep root, tap root, remains, the weed will just grow back–as the same weed and not as an exquisite rose bush.
I have searched out why God heals some people instantly and not others. What has come to me is that God indeed could heal everyone the same, instantaneously, no effort on our parts. However, as long as that tap root remains of what caused or feeds our spiritual ills, the same problem remains, returns if it ever left for a time, and sometimes worse. Then, some of us feel that it was God who failed us–or even that we are hopeless in being free (and that’s not true.) In many instances, God wants us to deal with that tap root first, to ask the Master Husbandman to help us pull out that tap root, and then the healing can come, the deliverence can be achieved and new ways of living can take root and thrive in us. We can now plant a rose bush in its place.
It’s not enough to just resist or turn away from a thing, one also has to embrace and replace it with something healthier for us–and that always means change.
We can ask and ask God all we want to take a desire or thing away from us and change us instantly–perhaps because we have seen or heard of instant change and miracles in the lives of others and we want it to be that easy for us, too.
My recommendation would be for those of you who are struggling with an undesired aspect of yourselves to first ask God to reveal to you the nature of your specific root that is feeding that unhealthy desire. In homosexuality your spiritual advisors and counselers will instruct you that there are one or more combinations of many factors. Are you fortunate enough to know of loved ones who are already actively praying for you–enlist their help to interede with you before God to reveal that root and destroy it, and to replace it with new and spiritually healthy desires. Your first goal is spiritual health and wholeness–not necessarily heterosexuality–though that can come in time as well. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and all other will be added to you. God will answer those prayers and you just need to be open to the many ways those answer can come to you. A specific person may be led to you, you may find a magazine article sitting on a bus that speaks a truth about your problem to you and offers direction, and many will be led to this place for help. You are not here by coincidence.
I am someone praying for a beautiful friend I love who is homosexual–and you have inspired me. Thank you and God Bless.
Ripley, thank you for your honesty. Are you interested in having a personal mentor? Here at Power to Change we offer a mentor program that allows you to have a private and real conversation with a trained mentor. This may be a tool you would be interested in using for accountability and talking through your journey. If you are interested, you can sign up for a mentor today.
I am struggling with my homosexuality. 11 years ago when I left my marriage and came out to family & friends, I thought..Ok, now life will be ok. I was accepted by my family, and friends, I’ve never been embarrassed or humiliated at work. No horror stories. I’ve had two long standing homosexual relationships. BUT…I find myself this past year struggling with it.
I don’t believe God makes mistakes, but I am starting to realize that the devil will do everything in his power to tempt me, and has tempted me for a very long time down a path, that I now wonder if I can walk away from. God didn’t make me gay…But he definitely did tell me in the bible that homosexuality is a sin. I want to walk away from it, and as I type this, I know in my heart, that God has already made walking away from it possible, I only need trust and have faith in him to do it. I will fix what I can fix…the practical: walking away from the lifestyle, the flirting, discarding the gay materials in my home. I will let God fix the rest, by working a miracle in my heart.
As a Christian I believe God to be all powerful. So he does have the ability to work this miracle, all I need do is ask.
God makes no mistakes and that includes the act of creating a life. Your “passing reference” to being non-judgemental is meaningless when you use terms like “self-destructive” to describe being a homosexual. You then call it a “sin” after saying it is not your place to judge – yet you do just that. You have also used a comparison to addiction, which is non-sensical since most sexual addicts are hetero-sexual in orientation. How truly small your spirit is, that you would exclude anything that God has created from your environment.
I am a mother and grandmother. My son is homosexual and I have seen his struggles. As his Mom, it hurt me to see him struggle within himself. For whatever it is worth here is my opinion:
First, you must remeber you are a child of GOD, nothing less then that. And He loves you and accepts you right now just as you are! There is so much more to you than your sexuality, you were given gifts, talents and abilities to use to enrich your own life but moreover to bless the lives of his other children. Only you know what those gifts are, and the Lord will guide you into how you may use them. My son is a very compassionate person and has demonstrated that on many occasions. I believe God looks at our hearts to find the real person. Will He judge us, of course He will but his judgement is always measured and tempered with mercy. That was and is the gift of the atonement. Let me repeat God loves YOU!!! right now just as you are.
Second: I don’t know how your family deals with homosexuality, but here is what I told my son. Above all else I want him to live a happy, productive and fulfilling life. To be true to himself.
I believe every person must walk their own path of spirituality, note I did not say religion. Because it is in that walk that you will find the true God and develop your own personal relationship. Your own relationship with Jesus Christ will be what your own heart desires and the effort you put into it.
I don’t know if these words helped or not I do not usually write on blogs but this is one that is close to my heart. So to “Struggling with homosexuality” Be happy, be fulfilled and walk you path toward God. May He bless your efforts and your life.
I can obviously tell you are not qualified to shed light on this issue. You say you don’t judge, yet you offer simplistic narrow minded solutions. It sucks to see people treat this issue like and alcohol intervention. Struggling with homosexuality is not some lustful act gone wrong, I did not choose to lust about other men. I don’t see 5th graders feeling trapped and alone because they need a drink. Alcoholism is an addiction many times stemming from self control issues. God made sexuality a valid and important part of our human experience. If it could be controlled do you think we would be having this conversation. I would love more than anything for God to ”cure” me. I want to desire a women so badly, but it’s not something I can just make happen.
I’m not sure what God’s plan is for me yet, but I can’t live my entire life in denial. If God wants me to sacrifice a part of myself to somehow help others I will. I just need some guidance from him. People like you should not be on here giving your cookie cutter solution to people like me that struggle everyday. Not to say that everyone else doesn’t struggle. The point I’m trying to get at is that you do not understand what it is to be gay and you are not qualified to lay out judgement. There’s only one place to find answers and that’s in God. I will no longer ask God to fix me because if he was than he would have. HE made me this way for a reason, he did not intend for me to be shameful and waste my entire life trying to fit back into the ”norm”.
I did not reply to this to attack you as a person or woman of God. I wrote to express my first hand experience with this situation. Boy let me tell you I’m right in the middle of it and I have such a long and confusing path ahead of me. I’m trying to just be still and let God lead me because I have always gone in with my own agenda in the past. It doesn’t work out. If all I focus on is becoming heterosexual I miss the important part, and that’s God. You can’t go and use God to cure your struggles. You go to God with an open and eager heart and he will do the rest. No ones going to be able to predict what will come of it, but it will look different for every single one of God’s creations. I’m gonna try and live like Jesus, like God’s child. It’s not about all these rules, religions, and agendas! Jesus broke all of those down. Every christian talks about living like Jesus but hardly any are bold enough to love their creator and others. That’s what it’s all about folks, love.