Why do people seem to lose their friends after marriage?
I want to get married, but I am afraid of losing my friends. I know of many people who have lost their friends after being married. Please explain to me why people, especially women, lose their friends after marriage?
Advice: All of us have just 24 hours a day. If we are also working, going to school, etc., we find that after spending time with our husband, cleaning, cooking etc. there just isn’t as much time to spend with our friends. Most of us just schedule a lunch per week with a best friend, one night a week to spend with an old friend or a Bible study/ prayer group and just make sure that we aren’t so overscheduled with other things that we don’t shortchange time with our spouse and a few best friends. It is a matter of prioritizing our life to the things that are really important.
Of course, to plan one thing into our life, usually means that we won’t have time for other things. Make sure that the things on your schedule are really important for your life goals.
I don’t feel the issue is that complex. I had friends who married but I never walked away from what I thought were friendships. They married and found new lives and friends but didn’t think it was important to keep the old. Unfortunately their lives didn’t include staying in touch with a single friend who supported them even as they were being courted and stood by them at their ceremonies. So it’s not always the singles abandoning married friends – it’s easily the other way around. My advice to brides-to-be: if your friendships matter put in the work to maintain them even if it means finding new ways to communicate or hang out. After all if your marriage falls apart wouldn’t you like to know that the people who stood by you in the beginning would want to be there for you in a time of need? I can’t speak for others but nothing would bother me more than to have a person I once thought was my friend who didn’t bother to stay in touch with me over the years try to find me to reconnect if she had to return to singlehood. People laugh at the women portrayed in “Sex in the City.” But I think the theme of maintaining friendships regardless of life changes is what was the best aspect of the show. And unfortunately in life so many of us allow changes to separate us from people we should keep close to us. This is a tough world – true friends are hard to come by…why be willing to let go of the ones you know you have?
good article for us we moved away then you lose contact with the friends we had while we were single. we kept some but lost others when we moved away.
What? Not everyone “desperately longs for marriage.” It’s not that your friends are jealous of your marriage, but maybe you’re not giving them a way to get involved in your life.
Married people change. Their primary focus is now on their spouse. That’s a huge challenge to friendships.
Single and married people have less in common. That’s a huge challenge to friendships.
Thank you, Matt and Angela, for your comments on this story. From my experience, when I got married, my single friends have struggled with spending time with my husband as a couple not so much because they thought marriage was uncool, but because they found it painful in their personal loneliness to see their former single friend now have something they desperately longed for and wanted. However, those who found the relationship important enough willingly continued to spend time with me, just as I willingly sacrificed to make time for them. In addition to seeing each other individually, my friends have taken the time to get to know my husband, and vice versa, and we have enjoyed our friends as a couple as well. I do believe it is vital to take into consideration their feelings as singles, both the loneliness they may feel, and the things they enjoy in their leisure time so this is not ignored. To continue relationships after marriage with our friends is, in my opinion, very important, as both husbands and wives need an outlet besides one another, people they have relationships with together and individually, to share things that they do not have in common as a couple, and also to be able to talk “guy” talk and “women” talk ~ subjects that we each enjoy but that our spouses may not be interested in discussing. These need to be healthy and godly relationships built on solid trust and that promote healthy marriages when both partners in the relationship are willing to stretch themselves to allow the other to pursue their own interests, something I see as vital in a healthy marriage.
Matt says: November 6, 2011 at 5:16 pm I dont think the problem is with married couples there is a problem with single people rejecting married people in general and not wanting to be apart of there living anymore because i have had tons of friends before me and my wife got married we both tryed to keed in contact but they wanted no part of us anymore. The world deams married as not being cool and the right thing to do.
I am not a young person and I will give you a possible explanation for your comment and I don’t agree with you saying that there is the problem with single people. If you read my earlier comment, you will see what I have experienced. The following has been my observation.
I have tried to but do not like going out with most of my married friends because I have to be the one doing whatever they want to do as a couple. In my case, it is always the wife who is usually my friend and we have to do everything to please the husband and all of a sudden instead of we three trying to compromise, I have do be pleasing him. “He does not like this or that, he does not eat this or that and it goes on and on; we can’t do this or that”. So whenever I am around them, I have to become her and have no say in anything because that is not what he wants to do, eat, like, etc. I am an independent person and I know that when you are with other people you should do some compromising but I don’t think that it is my job to all of a sudden have no say in anything and do everything to please your husband to be your friend. Also, I am no longer dealing with a girlfriend who had so much in common with me. I am now dealing with a couple who have their own agenda and lives and that bond that we had together seems to be no longer there. Why should I be around you if it is becoming an unpleasant situation? There is also the case where most men seem to dislike their wife’s girlfriends and do not hesitate to show it. It could also be the woman who does not like her husband’s friends and starts acting up. So the friendship dies.
It also goes both ways, it could be the husband wanting his single male or female friends do everything to please his wife. I know that you can’t see all of your friends like you did before but if you want any of your single friends to stay around, when you choose to have them in your company, try to give them an ear and not let them feel so rejected. I think that most people would move away from this kind of situation.
I dont think the problem is with married couples there is a problem with single people rejecting married people in general and not wanting to be apart of there living anymore because i have had tons of friends before me and my wife got married we both tryed to keed in contact but they wanted no part of us anymore. The world deams married as not being cool and the right thing to do.
Marriage is about joining 2 hearts and lives. (As well, many add God in the center) My experience has been, once you get married and you go out with your individual friends, it is as if you are taking that other spouse along with you. You are a different person now than when you were single. If you are in a healthy relationship with your spouse as well as with your friends, your spouse will see that this outside relationship is positive to the marriage. However, if a wife goes out with her girlfriends and comes home negative, accusing and nagging, well that might irritate the husband and he sees that it doesn’t bring anything positive into the relationship. And likewise if the buddy he hangs out with causes him to neglect his responsibilities at home, then chances are his wife will be resentful of that relationship. If the single friend has a negative view of marriage it can cause alarm to the spouse sitting at home as to what influence that person might be having on their marriage. Do you think it matters what activity they are doing with their single friend? – Are they going to a singles bar, just playing basketball, building houses for the homeless?(however this can happen with a married friend in a bad relationship too)
I have been married 27 years and our friends have come and gone. People come and go depending on the job, having children, a special project, new extended family, etc. Our friends have moved on too and we need to give our friends permission to do that once we get married. Even our married friends have come and gone over the years. They are acquaintances from the past but that doesn’t make it bad. It’s important to ask yourself why you want to hang on to that single friend relationship in the same way after you are married. Now that you have another person to care about, it’s important to consider our spouse in all of our future relationships. If you keep it positive, chances are it will be a win/win for both of you.
Something new doesn’t have to make the old way bad, it can just be new.
I have read all the comments and there is truth in every one of them. It all depends on the individuals.
“I want to get married, but I am afraid of losing my friends. I know of many people who have lost their friends after being married. Please explain to me why people, especially women, lose their friends after marriage?”
First of all, I am single. When most of my friends got married, the friendships dwindled because they had new lives with their husbands who they had to please and eventually their children. In other words we seemed to no longer have anything in common (this seems to be the point of view from some married people). Most men do not like their wives’ girlfriends. I don’t know if it is jealousy or envy of their relationship. Also a man could like his wife because of who she really is, e.g., her personalities, submissiveness, love, etc., but don’t like the girlfriend’s. We are all different and that is why we chose different mates. Some of them hate to know that the wife is telling their girlfriend of their nasty, selfish controlling ways. So they do everything in their power to break-up the friendship. On the other hand, some women and men are just very selfish and feel that they must only live for themselves and forgot who were in their lives until this stage. You know the saying “forgetting where you came from.” This is where I disagree with Dr. G. There will be times in your life where you will need someone away from the situation to talk to. There will be different stages in your life where your current close friends will not be the ones there to understand and comfort you in your tragedies, illnesses, etc. This is when the new friends disappear, eh! Priority should include some of those old friends who really love, know and understand you. So, don’t be afraid to get married. Try to understand that if you do, you will lose some of your friends because of their mates or they themselves will withdraw because of their marriage relationship. I am single and if I see that my friend’s husband is rejecting me or being nasty to me, I would move away. Why should I stick around and accept what is going on. So these are some of the reasons why either the male or female loses their friends. Another thing, for economical reasons, and I have experienced this, when some of the married friends get the big house, etc., and move up in society and get involved with other couples, they don’t want their single friends around. It all boils down to intelligence, immatureness, people knowing who they really are, insecurity or self-confidence.
As I said before, since my girlfriends and boyfriends got married, most of them have gone their merry ways. One or two of my friends have found me since the marriages have crumbled but really I am no longer interested in them because they will do it again to me. Let them find new shoulders to cry on.
In general, there are insecurities and dislikes on both sides. The new husband doesn’t want the girlfriends around or in the case of males; the jealous, insecure controlling wife doesn’t want the husband’s old boyfriends or girlfriends around. I hope you got the message.
This doesn’t seem to be a problem for me and my husband at all. I encourage him to go out with his guy friends, and he encourages me to hang out with my girlfriends, and at times we’ll have a party with everyone or go out as a group. Yes, there’s housework, and meals to cook, and hours to work, and while we do spend a lot of time together, we both need to have some independent time too. This isn’t a lot different than when we were engaged or just having a relationship. I’m not sure why marriage should change how a relationship works – it just confirms your ongoing commitment and a partnership. I think it’s all in our heads that marriage changes everything. Now, what really will change everything, is having kids – at least I think so. It won’t be about “you” anymore – that’s why we’re waiting… we’re enjoying a party of two for right now!
I am 26, Male. My happiness all ends just a month back. Yes, one of my Best friend got engaged. he is goin to marry in just 3 months. Though, i m the first person to hear the news from my friend, i can’t be happy in my days. I am crying after a long time. Since, he was lovely person i ever met. he made me happy, nade me to smile, made me to love people & relations, made me to forgive people, learnt so many good qualities from him. Even, we had sex… I felt he is my soul, he is my breathe. I felt he is my world. I dont know why, i cant be happy with him now a days. I dont want to lose him in my life. i want to stay with him till my end. Please Help Me..
I just got married, and i believe that marriage is a two way thing as both wife and husband will have to compromise to make it work.
I think sometime that my theory about marriage is wrong, but than i say no it seems reasonable.
After marriage some friends should be dropped however it`s not related if they are married or single but its more related to the type of people they are and the way they are living there own life as it may affect the married couples even without intending too if they stay a part of it.
Now the question is; what would be acceptable in term of social outings? I`m not giving a sure answer, but I’m stating what I think off knowing that it may be theoretical or not even right.
Both wife and husband should start having limits in term of:
- How much time do they spend out with friends?
- Coming back home at a certain time and not staying out late if you are alone without the partner.
- Making sure you go together with you partner if it’s a night out for drink and don’t just go each with his/her friends.
- Choosing right places to go to with friends and right timing for such outings (coffee in early evening – lunch – breakfast mid day coffee).
- Don’t over do the outings.
Always be sure that the most important person is your partner and you life together and nothing else is worth it, and that is why its both of you either making it work or not.
My comment is on the following snippet from Dr. Gabriel:
“we find that after spending time with our husband, cleaning, cooking etc. there just isn’t as much time to spend with our friends”
I think problems are most likely to arise when a spouse wants to spend time with friends BEFORE all the home stuff gets done. In other words, the problem isn’t whether a guy trusts his wife to hang out with her girlfriends. The problem is when it takes priority over marriage itself.
On a much broader topic, I think marriage should be avoided if possible.
That’s why there are so many divorces in this country. Married people can’t seem to keep their friendships because they don’t make time for them, which is ridiculous because if you try you can always make time… certainly at least once a week. A lot of it of course has to do with their spouses insecurity. The result is that you and your spouse end up becoming your only friend which makes it very hard to make new friends because you don’t have the confidence/”time”/desire to make new friends (who are married of course). Married people don’t seem to understand that it’s very important to keep old friends because of the many memories and experiences that you can relate through. All I can say is that when my frindless married “friends” who ignore me finally get divorced and come crawling back to me I will be nowhere to be found because honestly I do not consider them my friends anymore.
It took me about 6 months to lose all of my friends after I’d got married. My wife developed a social anxiety disorder, and as such for us to go anywhere is a problem, and for me to have my own friends is impossible.
My favourite times of the whole day are when I fall asleep on the train going to and from work.
You’re just looking at things through your own tunnel vision, of it being “especially women”.
What a load of crap…it isn’t “especially women” who lose their friends after marriage. I’m a male, and every single one of my [redacted] friends decided I wasn’t worth the effort to stay in contact with, once their [redacted] controlling, manipulative wives brainwashed them.
Sometimes in an attempt to stay loyal, friends remain in close contact with the spouse they know. The friends you know will usually stick by you.
When all of the couples go out, it’s uncomfortable for the now divorced friend to join them as a single person. And you may find yourself separating from them. You may often decline their invitations to outings you and your spouse once enjoyed with them.
After a divorce, your life, even your desires change. You may find that life as a single person puts you in a different place with different priorities. You have the opportunity to meet people who you are more in common with.
So yes you may lose some friends but you may definitely get some new ones!
Most women lose there friends for two reasons , friends are single or are other men , women who are married there HUSBANDS DON’T TRUST THEIR NEW WIFE TO JUST GO HANG OUT WITH THERE GIRLFRIENDS ,and that’s what really is the greatest cause of deforce . Mem see no harm for them to hang with the boys at night clubs , but it’s a double standard . 98% of all marrages the mem feel there wife are owned to them and they will do what they say or a fight breaks out, and it’s all over trust with their wifes . 82% of mem cheat on there wifes when they go out with the boys and 1% of married women cheat when allowed to go out with the girls . So before you do get married set down and you both write down why you love each other and answer the question over being able to see and go out with there friends to have a coffee or out for a dinner , because I do not beleave in drinking , and if you do want to go out dancing , then ask if it would be alright to bring your husband . Talking with your friends and your new husband are the down fall of losing your friends , I lost my only friend because I talked about me and not her happiness , it cost me my one and only friend I had in this world. I talked to my wife and she knows that she was my only true friend , and she is letting me try to find her so she could also have two friends we could go out for coffee, dinner, we can have friends older than our childrens or our own family. So what I say is talk to both sides friends and future husband.
Don’t get married – just…don’t!