How to overcome sexual abuse
I have suffered deeply since I was born. I was sexually abused and neglected by my mum and dad. Later I got married and was raped by my husband and his friends, which resulted in me having a termination. I am 21 years of age and now left with anger in all aspects of my life. I can no longer cope with life. I have been suffering from depression for three years. My life seems to have nothing good about it. Please help me.
Advice: Certainly, you are living with great emotional trauma after being raped and having an abortion. I am very saddened to read about your circumstances and the great injustice and violation you have endured.
First you need to protect yourself from further harm and bring charges against the perpetrators. I encourage you to report the rapes to the police even if some time has passed since the incident. I also implore you to go to a domestic violence agency
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You need to find support and counseling to work through the grief and loss you have suffered from the sexual abuse and abortion.
What happens when someone is raped? The person reacts with a grief and trauma response which can include post-traumatic stress symptoms (nightmares, anxiety, sleeplessness, etc). With this reaction comes fear, flashbacks, nightmares, emotional numbing, avoidance of any reminders of the traumatic event, depression, withdrawal and isolation, sadness and anger.
You need to express and explore these emotions and reaction you are experiencing. Counseling and support groups can help you work through this. Call a pregnancy center to find a support group they may have for working through the abortion. They may also provide counseling for rape situations. You need to contact an agency (domestic violence) so they can be an advocate for you in this situation.
How can you process the anger which has consumed your life? You need to realize that anger is normal in this situation and that anger needs to be expressed in a healthy way. This is a terribly unjust crime you have suffered and you have a right to be angry.
You can’t walk away from something like this and not take action to protect yourself and others from further harm. Thus, the perpetrators must be held accountable to the law for their actions.
This will take assertiveness. You need support and encouragement to become assertiveness, to bring your case to justice, to protect yourself in the future.
Once you begin to process what has happened, to explore the damage, get affirmation, validation and support, you will realize that you are not alone. You will realize that you can go on with your life. You are not “damaged goods.”
What has happened to you does not change who you are. You are loved by God and He wants a relationship with you. Consider how He can help you discover supernatural strength, courage and wisdom to proceed through life.
You may also need to talk with your physician about getting an antidepressant to alleviate the hopelessness you are feeling now.
Reading, getting counseling, support and protection will help you move forward towards healing and recovery. I pray that you will become stronger in spite of the brokenness you have suffered. God bless you!
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Dea,
I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. I cannot imagine what you have been through. It’s very brave to ask for help and to acknowledge both what happened to you and the fact that what happened in your past is affecting your future. That’s incredibly healthy. Have you been able to talk to your husband about this at all? It will help if he knows that you are aware that your past experiences are affecting things between you and that you are willing to seek help. The first thing I would suggest would be to find a counsellor. In the same way that we don’t try to do our own dental work, when it comes to recovering from a serious trauma you really need to see a professional. You’ve been through a lot and I believe that it is possible to work through it and to grow to a place where you have the relationship that you want to have with your husband, but don’t try to carry this alone.
Do you go to church? If so they might be able to recommend a counsellor to you. If not, do you have a friend who has been to a counsellor who could refer you? We have lists of recommended counsellors in the US, by state and recommended counsellors in Canada, by province. Choosing a counsellor is a very personal decision. You need to find someone that you are comfortable working with. There’s a guide to choosing a counsellor here.
In addition, there’s an excellent book called Wounded Heart: Hope for Adults Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Dr. Dan B Allender . The book is a bit intense, so you need to make sure you’re for the task before starting this one. Maybe wait until you’ve started seeing your counsellor? There are also several articles that might help: Healing from Your Sexual Past and Healing From Your Sexual Past, part 2 both have exercises to walk through. Barbara Wilson has a whole site about healing from your sexual past whether it was your own choices, or for someone in your position, someone else’s choices were forced on to you. If you’d like to talk about this privately, we have email mentors available. If you are a person who believes in the power of prayer, we’d love to pray for you.
I know that this is not an easy thing that you are dealing with, but you need to know how brave you are. You have done the first really hard thing – you said it out loud and you asked for help. Be courageous again and find a counsellor who has the skills and training to walk this road with you. Of course you have issues with trust, how could you not? But your current experience doesn’t have to be the way it is forever. You can do this, with some good solid help, this can get better and you are so completely worth the effort.
I was molested from 7 to 13 and raped repeatedly from13 to 20 .i find myself at times going back to the incident and crying the trauma I experienced is effecting my marriage I at times find myself withdrawn from my husband n not trusting him or being able to communicate with him. I want all this guilt and shame and low self esteem and wogrthlessness o go away before I loode my husbsnd.
A message to Shekenya Harris, who says she’s been abused and says “I share my story and past struggles through my books. My first book helps parents discuss sexual abuse, it’s affects, and how to report it with their children. It also talks about putting God first in your life. I hope that it can save someone’s child from experiencing such a thing or help them to overcome it.
I would say it will be very helpful to many who have been abused (in both sexes) as well as to those involved in helping them. By all means, share as you feel led, Shekenya.