From Tears to Triumph
I couldn’t pull myself away. The inscription, engraved on a gold plate, just below the image of two infants sleeping peacefully in an old-fashioned cradle, confirmed what I already knew — this was the memorial to honor my unborn children — the ones not with me because of abortion.
The divinely-inspired dedication, written by Helen Keller, brought me to tears. Her words, “The best and most wonderful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, but must be felt with the heart,” seemed to be written just for me. Thank goodness, my dear mentor and prayer partner was there to comfort and encourage me as I purchased the lovely painting. She understood my lingering grief and the new found freedom I’d recently found in an abortion recovery program. She, too, had chosen abortion in her past, and had supported me during the twelve-week healing group.
Although, unexpected, this was the moment I’d been waiting for since my completion of G.R.A.C.E. — a program at my church, appropriately titled God Redeems Abortion with a Compassionate Embrace. God used this incredible ministry to bring freedom, forgiveness, and wholeness to my broken life.
I remember, months prior, sitting in church and watching the big screen where classes, Bible studies, and other ministry advertisements were featured in full-color before the services. Every time I saw the notice for the G.R.A.C.E. Group, I would cringe then quickly tell myself that I was over “all that.” After all, God had forgiven me, hadn’t He? Why look back at the past?
Indeed, God had forgiven me for my decisions to abort, however, I had not accepted His mercy, nor had I forgiven myself. Like so many other wounded women, I, too, was under the misguided belief that abortion was somehow the unforgivable sin. I couldn’t seem to accept that God’s grace covered everything. Finally, I surrendered and decided that this group couldn’t hurt; maybe it would help heal the ache in my heart, and I was tired of aching.
For years, I’d tried to cover that ever-present heartache with drugs, smoking, promiscuity, shopping, and compulsive eating. I’d act as if I believed abortion was acceptable and that I had made the right choice, yet my addictive behaviors and intense emotions proved otherwise. I was hoping to fill my hungry and hurting heart with something, with anything.
When I accepted Christ and allowed Him to peel away the sins of my past, I could no longer hide the anguish abortion had caused. After all, God has a way of bringing up those areas we need to work on … over and over again until we pay attention. I could no longer ignore this broken part of myself. In order to grow deeper in Christ, I had to dig out all the weeds still stunting the growth in my personal garden.
While participating in the abortion recovery group, I experienced a surprising surge of love from God and the other women. I realized for the first time I wasn’t alone. Others had experienced the same shame, remorse, and anger in relation to their past abortions. This understanding gave me new hope. By realizing I wasn’t alone, I opened the door to additional healing steps.
- The right to grieve. We have a right to grieve the loss of a child or children. For years, I’d denied myself that natural right. I assumed because I had chosen to end a life that I had no right to my grief. I finally mourned my losses. Over time, the pain lessened.
- Admit responsibility. In spite of the grief and pain, for many post-abortive women, denial is strong. It is easy to blame others for our decisions. Granted we were all influenced by others and possibly even pressured to end a pregnancy. Ultimately, though, we are still responsible.
- Understand the responsibility of others. In some situations, women believe they alone are completely liable. However, there are always two people involved in a pregnancy. Add the influence of parents, family, friends, boyfriends, husbands, and the abortion providers themselves, and we have a ton of outside voices prodding us to make a decision. Understanding that others are also part of the process is very helpful. Forgiving them is critical.
- Forgive self and others. God tells us that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from ALL unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9. We are also reminded that ALL have sinned and have fallen short of God’s glory. Everyone makes mistakes. Every person on this planet sins. Embracing God’s love and forgiveness, allows us to find healing and wholeness. Learning to forgive others releases the grip resentment and bitterness has on our lives.
- Give your babies to God. Accepting that my children now reside in the presence of the best Father ever, has allowed me to experience peace. Recognizing that there are no tears, no pain, no suffering for these little ones can be liberating. The words of King David, whose sin led to the death of his beloved son, provide great insight and comfort. In 2 Samuel 12:23 David explains why he no longer grieves. He says, “But now that he is gone, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” We will be reunited with our children in Heaven. They are loved and cherished by God, just as we are.
Lastly, group members were challenged to create a memorial to honor and remember their child or children. Some women purchased remembrance plaques for the National Memorial for the Unborn, and others made special gifts. In my case, God led me to the amazing painting that I can see as I type these words. It reminds me that God holds my babies with all His children, close to His heart in Heaven.
Yes, the healing process has been challenging. Yet I can’t begin to imagine my life without God’s grace and the love from other supportive women. Never in my wildest dreams could I have predicted that I’d be openly writing and speaking publicly about abortion, but God has a funny way of taking those heartbreaking situations in our life and turning them around for His glory. He will do the same for you.
Won’t you allow Him to heal you?
If you’ve had an abortion please pray the following prayer and join an abortion recovery group in your area.
Dear Lord,
Your Word tells me that you love me with an everlasting and unfaltering love. It says that if I confess my sins to You that You are faithful and just and will forgive me. I confess that I made a very poor decision. I chose to end the life of my precious baby. My heart breaks over my sin. I have been burdened by guilt, shame, remorse, and anger. I have refused to accept that Your death was enough to cover this particular sin. That is a lie from the devil. You have mercy on us and forgive our sins, no matter what they might be. Right now, I release all my pain and heartache into Your capable hands. I trust You to care for my little one/s until I come home to Heaven someday. I know they are safe with You. Please lead me to a loving group of women who can help me fully experience Your love and forgiveness. In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.
Did you pray this prayer? Do you want to talk to someone who can come alongside you as you walk through the healing process? Talk to an email mentor who will listen, pray and support you.
I had an abortion at the age of 20! I was in college and had experienced alcohol and partying! I thought that was what college was all about! With that came unprotected sex! He was a mutual companion that I had dated in past years. I found that I was pregnant and could not possibly tell my parents so I tried to committ suicide! I thought life would be better if I nor my unborn child would live! Today; I am free from that burden. I carried it around with me for many years. My ex-husband threw it up in my face all the time and that resorted to me being abused by him…Today, I am free from that as well! God has given me another life! Although I thought at one time ,that God had given me a challenge with my son because he was born with Cerebral Palsy but I think that was God’s way of saying you have another chance to make the best with this precious gift and this is your test to see if you can handled that challenge or give in like you did before! I love my son and would do anything for him! I have gone through many trials and tribulations but I know that God is with me! He leads me now than before! What I value most is that he is forgiving and he does heal…It took quite some time to accept that responsibility but I understand it more than before! That’s why I cherish my children and bless him for each day that he gives them to me! Praise the Lord for that cross at Calvary!