Finding the Real Me: Embracing My Sexual Identity
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From a young age I struggled with a lack of sexual identity.
I was born on a tropical island to deliriously happy parents. My father was all man – robust, authoritative and protective, and my mother was all woman – delicate, fragile and supportive. I grew up with two older brothers who were academic wizards, while I colored cows a healthy shade of blue. Despite that, I had an insatiable curiosity, effortless creativity and a highly competitive spirit.
I fought my way out of pinafores into shorts, climbing trees and playing soccer. I learned everything I could, believing I could be as good as my brothers. Raised in a religious home, I was fearful of doing anything wrong. Although I couldn’t fully understand it, I knew deep down inside that there was something terribly wrong with me. I felt as if I was in the wrong body.
I lived the first 25 years of my life believing I should have been born male.
Whether this was a freak of nature or the result of nurture was really not my question. My question was, “What do I do with it? How do I live with it?” As you can imagine, I grew bitter and angry because I always desired something I couldn’t have. I kept asking, “How do I change a part of myself that was not born of my own choosing?”
I felt that God owed me answers and that life was unfair. I feared being found out. I feared not being found out. I wanted approval and knew I would only find rejection. I felt like I could never change and believed I would go to the grave with my secret. However, I prayed that if there was a God, He must be the one to change me.
The thunderstorms in my life were just beginning. My elder brother Sam died in a helicopter crash when he was serving in the army at age 20. It rocked my boat. That incident taught me that death was real and could happen to anyone at any time. It challenged my faith that a good God would allow that to happen. My own handicap deflected any idea of a loving God, much less one who would save me!
Three years later I left for college. Of all places in the world, I ended up in San Francisco.
My life and my questions about my identity went into overdrive. I remember one night there was a makeover session organized by the RA (resident assistant) of my housing block. I was introduced to makeup, wigs, nail polish and other false attachments, and by the end of the night my tomboyishness gave way to a much more feminine look.
But the makeover only dealt with my external features. There still remained the problem of what was wrong on the inside – wrongful desires. When I look back now, I believe that God could have changed me but He waited for me to want to be changed. He wanted me to want what He wants.
Self-righteousness and denial
After graduation I returned to Singapore, and worked as a sought-after art director earning the respect of peers as well as a good salary in an advertising agency. At the peak of my career I was successful, popular, well liked and utterly confused. You see, I had two friends who influenced me a great deal: Self-righteousness and Denial. Self-righteousness psyched me up. She taught me that I was my own boss and that I was independent. She convinced me I was not evil. In fact I was a pretty good Christian, someone with morals and principles.
Denial taught me to play the dating game, saying it was okay and that I could even get married. I mean I was in the creative field, I had artistic license. In fact, I should be a little weird! Very subtly they worked against me. Self-righteousness said it was okay to be queer while Denial told me the world didn’t need to know that. It was in this frame of mind that I dated and eventually married a soft-spoken Christian man.
My mother died the day after I got married, before the wedding banquet was even digested. Cancer spread from her large intestines to her liver. She died peacefully at the age of 54, in the home where I grew up. It was at her funeral that I realized that although I didn’t fully trust God, I trusted myself even less. My mother’s death urged me to make peace with God.
Love is blind, marriage is an eye-opener
You know what they say about love being blind and marriage being an eye-opener? We moved to Switzerland where my husband pursued a course in product design while I took the time to write a book. In the spring of 1994, the problems between us escalated into a possible dissolution of the marriage. The duplicity was too much to bear, and I hit rock bottom.
I remember walking along the lake for two hours, crying out to a distant and silent God. When I returned to the apartment, I was shocked to find my husband who never drinks, drunk in the bathtub, fully clothed with an empty gin bottle in his hand. Little did I know that God was neither far nor silent.
You see, in God’s wisdom, He purposed to put two struggling Christians together who both struggled with the exact same thing. It was absurd. How could this happen? The fact is it did – we both struggled with our sexual identity. Gin was the only thing strong enough to give my husband courage to take off his mask, and it was his confession that gave me courage to take off mine.
Taking off the masks
God showed us both that night that not only did He come to forgive us, He came to tell us that it was possible for anyone who was broken to be whole again. Remember my earlier prayer that if there is a God, He must be the one to change me? For the first time in both our lives, we were honest enough to trust God as sinners, desperate enough to desire change and hopeful enough to exchange storms for still waters.
Barely two years later, my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer. He faced his grim six-month deadline with incredible hope and peace. One of the last things he shared with me is the fact that change is reserved only for the living – when you’re dead you can’t change anything.
I began to understand God’s unconditional love for me, which changed my outlook entirely. I now knew that I didn’t need to try and prove myself in any way, but was given the chance to start all over. There is absolutely no confusion about my sexual identity anymore. I am not proud of my past, but I am grateful I have a future. The love and fellowship of other Christians, God’s work in me and my acknowledgment of no longer being able to do it without Christ have been key factors in helping to get me through the whole process.
Have I stopped struggling? No. But I can tell you that I struggle differently. The greatest difference is struggling knowing that it can be overcome rather than struggling believing it’s futile. The temptation to live a homosexual lifestyle can be overcome when you surrender your life to Jesus because only He can enable you to overcome your struggles. My faith ensures me that I am totally transformed into something altogether new. I am a woman who follows Jesus.
Are you going through more than you feel you can handle?
Are you being crushed under the weight of your problems? It doesn’t have to be that way. No matter what the circumstance, you can have an abundant life – peace, joy and contentment as God brings about His own character within you. The first step is making sure that Christ is really on the driver’s seat of your life and that you are allowing His Spirit to fill you and empower you.
Pray this simple prayer and by faith invite Him to fill you with His Spirit.
Dear Father, I need You. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life. I thank You that You have forgiven my sins through Christ’s death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as You commanded me to be filled, and as You promised in Your Word that You would do if I asked in faith. I pray this in the name of Jesus. As an expression of my faith, I thank You for directing my life and for filling me with the Holy Spirit. Amen.
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Wonderful testimony! A tribute to His Almighty transforming power! May you always enjoy being a woman and may the Holy Spirit transform you from inside out! May Eph 4: 22-24 come true in your life. The key thing to note from these verses — as you yourself have learnt — is that righteousness and holiness are Godly characteristics which transform the inner person. They are not rules of behaviour. In the power of the Holy Spirit, we are changed inside to be holy and righteousness like Him. When the inside is ok, the outside has a way of conforming to it! god bless you and may you be a great blessing to others!
Thank you for sharing yourself. As I strive to serve others in their struggles, you have given me insight and wisdom. Thank you for being vulnerable in your openness -