The sky is deep grey, and I hear the steady beat of raindrops. The weather seems appropriate since I’m thinking about the rain I’m walking through. My infertility has taught me many lessons, but most of all I’ve learned what it means to have God’s umbrella in the storms of life.
Facing infertility
My husband and I started trying to have children a few years into our marriage. We thought we would get pregnant right away. But we didn’t. At first the disappointment was like a slow drizzle. Then six months ago I had a miscarriage. The drizzle became a downpour. We started fertility treatments, but they didn’t help. The storm kept raging. For over two years, we have walked through the rain of infertility.
A friend recently said to me, I’m praying for the rain to stop. You must be soaked to your undies already! I smiled at her comment. In a way, I understand just what she means. But in another way, I still feel dry even after all the rain. And that has been the biggest surprise of all.
Discovering God’s umbrella
A few months after my miscarriage, I was reading “Captivating” by Stasi Eldredge. In one part, she challenges women to ask God how he is showing them his love. “Okay, God,” I prayed, I’ve been through a lot lately. How in the world are you showing me you love me? In an instant, the answer came. I felt God say to my heart, “I’m walking through the rain with you, and I’m giving you my umbrella.”
As soon as I heard that, my mind flashed back to when my husband and I were dating in college. One day a storm blew in while I was in class. I was dreading the walk back to my dorm in the rain. But as I exited my class, I saw my husband standing outside the door with a smile on his face and an umbrella in his hand. He had come to walk me through the rain. It was one of the most thoughtful, loving things anyone had ever done for me.
Now I felt God telling me he was doing the same thing. As I looked back at the last two years, I could see it was true. There had been many times when I’d cried. But there were also moments of joy deeper than I’d ever known. There had been many days when I felt frustrated. But there was also an inexplicable peace covering my life. There had been many moments when it seemed like my dream of having children would never come true. But somehow I also had an enduring hope that made me certain God had a good plan.
Lessons from the storm
As I thought about all these things, I understood what God meant when he said head given me his umbrella. I also realized there were a few things I’d learned during my walk through the rain.
Believing the sun will come out again
As I finish writing this, raindrops are still splashing against the window. The storm outside looks like it will never end. Sometimes the storm in my life still feels that way too. But as I sip my mocha and stare at the sky, I know I will have God’s umbrella until the sun comes out again.
