Reconnect. Rebuild. Repeat.
It takes time to build a new community of friends and right now, I’m tired, my heart is burdened and I’m a little sad. I don’t want to wait to meet new people. There are things I want to share right now, thoughts I’d like to bounce around. I feel like I don’t know who I can turn to just to “be” with me.
I wanted to eat lunch with a friend today but didn’t know of anyone working downtown, so I ate alone. The $7.30 bowl of pho (a south east Asian soup) I had wasn’t even that good. I’m wallowing, whining and sliding into a bit of a funk.
I miss knowing and being known. It wasn’t a single friend who was always there for me in my home town, there was a group of us. I knew it was safe for me to open my heart to them. They knew me — the cool me and the annoying me. Will there be people here in this new city who will want to know me? Will people want to be known by me?
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I believe I have some new friends here who would lend an ear or shoulder, but truth is, it’s only a guess right now because it hasn’t been tested. These are new friends, we don’t have that deep bond of trust yet. If I call them up, make that first vulnerable step, will they think I’m overwhelming or high maintenance?
I remember a friend saying to me once after another season of pruning in my life, that God was tenderizing my heart so that it would be more like His. Well, it’s more tender alright but I’m not sure it’s more like His? I suppose if my heart were to feel more of what God feels, it’d feel more pain too. Darn. Wait — that means it should also be able to feel more joy. (I’m waiting on that.)
My thoughts keep telling me, “You need to remember that you’ve only been here five weeks. Rome was not built in a day.” I know that’s true, but I want to feel like I belong here. This is my life now.
Ultimately, I recognize that God needs to be the first person I turn to anyways — no human can handle or provide for the depth of need of another individual. Even as I try to unload the above to God, I find again that words are so limited. Long winded journal entries capture only a fragment of the whirling “stuff” going on. Which is why I’m comforted in knowing the Holy Spirit interprets these wordless cries….and sends them on to Him who can and does answer. Reminds me of that hymn:
Can we find a friend so faithful
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
I’m not here alone and that knowledge makes a huge difference. God knows me better than any of the friends I’ve left back home. I know He will hear my heart and He hears my prayers for true friends here in this new city. He will walk with me as I reconnect and rebuild. And repeat.
So true Elayne, God wants first place in our life, seek first the kingdom of God and all things should be added. Glad you have made a support group after 5 and half years, that’s wonderful.
Leanne, I understand exactly where you are coming from….I am 62 years of age and the older you get it seems harder to make new friends. We sold our home of around 30 years to move to another area and I felt like I had been dropped in another world. But, now, after 5 1/2 years, I have found other friends….it didn’t happen overnight but little by little. Keep your focus on the Lord and not people, even Christian people and He will bring the friends you need into your path. He doesn’t care for us having friends he just wants to be the First Friend in our lives.
Sure is hard to replant yourself in another city, I went through that experience when I left for college at age 23, you feel alone, different culture, isolated, and yes to share these emotions is difficult for you don’t trust anyone. I think you are going through some normal emotions for what your experiencing.