How to Battle Porn
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Four steps to winning the war against temptation
Pornography is progressive; what starts as a glimpse becomes a gawk. It follows the law of diminishing returns – whet the appetite and we want more.
No seven-year-old chooses an XXX-rated movie at the video store. It starts smaller, wearing down convictions a little at a time. Therefore, any form of compromises is serious.
Here are some practical tips to fight the battle against pornography:
- Build a shield
When Fred Stoeker found a Playboy magazine on top of a hotel ice machine, he considered the risks of one little compromise. He began to weigh the pros and cons in his mind – he was on a business trip; his wife would never know. Should he look at it or not? Then Fred recalled a Scripture memory verse, or as he calls it a shield verse: “Flee from sexual immorality…. You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore, honor God with your body” (1 Corinthians 6:18-20 NIV).
Fred realized, “I have no right to even consider looking at it. I haven’t the authority.” Memorizing Scripture to help combat the temptation to lust has aided him many times.
- Bounce your eyes
Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker and Mike Yorkey wrote Every Man’s Battle to help Christian men fight against lust and pornography. “If we define lusting as staring open-mouthed until drool pools at your feet, then a glance isn’t the same as lusting,” they write. “But if we define lusting as any look that creates a chemical high, that little pop, then we have something a bit more difficult to measure.”So train yourself to “bounce your eyes.” In other words, discipline your eyes to immediately look away from anything that might cause lust. The authors of Every Man’s Battle compare bouncing the eyes to yanking a hand away from a hot stove. “Not only did I train my eyes to bounce away from (sensual) ads, I also trained myself not to pick them up in the first place,” Fred explains.
That’s key. If we seriously desire to prevent or stop a pornography problem, we must not allow ourselves to even look at it. Don’t buy the romance novels. Throw away the movies with scenes that might cause your mind to go where it shouldn’t. And don’t linger on the lingerie ads. Recognize the sources of “that little pop” and avoid it whatever causes it.
- Be accountable
If you are serious enough about fighting temptation, you need to admit that you can’t trust yourself. So ask someone else to call you into account, to make sure you’re living according to God’s ways. “We must establish at least one to three supportive relationships for the purpose of accountability,” writes Russell Willingham in his book Breaking Free. “Without accountability we will be…unable to control our behavior.”The Bible puts it this way: “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy” (Proverbs 28:13, NIV).
Rob Andrescik, editor of New Man magazine, subscribes to Covenant Eyes, an Internet accountability program. The program sends Ron’s accountability partner a regular e-mailed report listing every single web site he visits. “When you know your accountability partner is going to see where you’ve been surfing,” says Rob, “it has a way of sucking the life out of temptation.”
- Be authentic
While Gene served as an associate pastor, his tinkering with pornography escalated into a full-scale sexual addiction. Eventually his secret did get out and he was appropriately fired from his church. Yet not everybody close to Gene knew. He recoiled at the thought of being completely open with his friends. “My life continued to deteriorate until the day I visited a pastor friend,” Gene says. “Without having planned it, I confessed my deepest secrets to him, pouring out my failure and guilt. I was certain that he would loathe and reject me.”The other pastor came around his desk toward Gene. “I almost expected him to strike me in outrage,” he says. Instead, he pulled Gene into his arms, hugged him and wept over him. He didn’t validate the sin that Gene was entrenched in, but he catapulted the healing process. “There in that office, for the first time in my life, I understood that God loved me, because this friend showed me.”
Being real and vulnerable with others – along with accountability, bouncing the eyes and memorizing Scripture – helps equip us in the spiritual battle. And this is a spiritual battle. “Christians who use pornography are attempting to satisfy legitimate needs for love, both human and divine – and satisfying legitimate needs for love, both human and divine – and satisfying neither kind,” writes Russell Willingham. “But the deception that perfect fulfillment is just one magazine or video away keeps us coming back,”
So as we fight the battle, we need to begin by seeking God for our satisfaction. We need to find our pleasure in Him.
Pornography may be a lifelong temptation. But if we’re equipped to battle it properly, we don’t have to lose the war. God will give us the strength we need to fight. And win.
Helping your husband battle pornography
Protect your kids from internet dangers
I want to pursue fight against porography and obscenity in India. Is there any like minded people there who could support me morally.
I agree with the points of the article but i’d like to balance it, these “technical” tips are goodd, but without the help of the Holy Spirit, this battle is hopeless…
and also, i doubt this war will be won on this earth, we will have to fight until our last breathe, maybe we will gain strength in this war, but until our enemy (our flesh) will be put to death we won’t have peace, and thinking we are in peace with sin is being more vulnerable
May our Lord grant you strength, perseverance and wisdom in your fight for purity !
Steven
David I think your response is not only simplistic but wrong. Pornography addictions most often start long before a man ever gets married, and regardless of what happens in the bedroom it is such a strong addiction that without getting help it cannot be broken. Only God can give us the power to stop it.
As the author puts it so well, Being real and vulnerable with others – along with accountability, bouncing the eyes and memorizing Scripture – helps equip us in the spiritual battle. And this is a spiritual battle. “Christians who use pornography are attempting to satisfy legitimate needs for love, both human and divine – and satisfying legitimate needs for love, both human and divine – and satisfying neither kind,” writes Russell Willingham. “But the deception that perfect fulfillment is just one magazine or video away keeps us coming back,”
If Christian wives would satisfy their husbands needs on a regular basis, the amount of porn would drop dramatically.
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Thanks Jennifer for writing this article!
I think lust has become a common enemy with the kind of materialism and pornography that young people are left to encounter. Moreover, even the older generations in many countries have become victims.
I feel the real challenge lies with the young people of today to fight this evil force that is destroying the families all over the world.
I pray to god for all humanity including myself to give us the strength.
Peace
Basu
Doug, I agree that it would be silly for the boy in your example to be concerned about his father abandoning him and adopting one of the other high school football players. His lack of concern would be justified, because as far as I know such a thing has never happened. (Although I’m sure there is an exception to be found somewhere.) On the other hand, there are many, many examples of husbands leaving their wives (or wives leaving their husbands) to run off with other people. (There are example stories on our own website about this.) So I don’t think your analogy is apt; it is not the same in a crucial respect to the thing it is trying to describe. Applying this analogy to a husband watching pornography is actually what is silly.
Further, I seems to me that admiration is the same kind of thing as lust. Admiring someone else for their athletic ability or intellectual cleverness seems to be emotionally distinct from lusting after someone else. A person who is married or in a committed relationship can freely engage in sports activities or intellectual discussions with others, but not sex. So watching pornography would be considered in a different category from other more benign activities; in involves feelings that are supposed to be reserved for their significant other.
Leaving aside the problems of porn addiction (which is prevalent in both men and also women as reported recently in the New York Times) there is also the issue of loving your spouse. If a husband is doing something that upsets his wife, shouldn’t he, out of love and respect for her, want to stop doing it, whatever it may be?
In the same way, if a wife is causing her husband distress by what she does, shouldn’t she want to avoid doing such things in the future, out of love for him and desire to see their relationship remain strong? This is a matter of respect for the other relationship partner. You suggest the problem is the wife’s low self-esteem, but what if the wife objects because she has HIGH self-esteem and demands to be given the respect they rightly deserve from their partner?
I don’t think blaming the wife in this situation is helpful. A husband telling her to “get over it” so to speak and to fix her own problems is not the action of a caring husband and will not be helpful to their relationship.
A father attends his son’s high school football game and notices that his son isn’t the best player on the team. In fact, many of the players on the team are better at football than his son is.
Should the son be concerned that his father might disown him and/or start acting fatherly towards one of the more-skilled football team members?
That would be silly of the boy to think that, wouldn’t it? If the father loves his son, and for that matter if he is a reasonable and sensible adult, the thought wouldn’t even enter his mind. A father is easily able to love his son and remain committed to him despite realizing that his family member isn’t as good as other people in the world.
Now take the above scenario and replace “father” with “husband”, “son” with “wife”, and “football” with “attractiveness”. Most husbands are easily able to love and remain committed to their wives even though they notice that other women are sexier than their wives. In short, looking does not equal cheating. As they say, it doesn’t matter where you get your appetite as long as you make sure to eat at home!
Since, indeed, looking does not equal cheating, then what is the source of a wife’s concern in this matter? Why is a wife distressed by the fact that her husband is looking? Occasional exceptions to the rule aside, the typical husband won’t cheat on his wife, so what is the real reason for this fear?
The real basis for this is in the wife’s self-esteem. Wives who have a strong ego, who don’t have weak self-images, aren’t scared that their husbands will cheat if they notice other women who are more attractive. So, generally, if you’re concerned about your husband’s interest in sexy women, it probably means you yourself don’t think you are sexy enough to keep him from straying.
And that’s YOUR problem, not HIS. Oh sure, it’s his problem because it’s your problem, but he can’t fix it. Only you can. Only the individual with the low self-esteem can fix the low self-esteem.
Blaming husbands for our own problems isn’t a productive way to fix the problems. If you want it fixed, fix it yourself.
These secrets ruin lives, tear families to pieces!!! I live it, it was gradual, from online dating sites to LOCAL on line dating (looking for REAL women he could meet) to porn, to webcams to escorts!!! Idont even know who he is anymore!!! This is an educated 45 year old “family man” with friends and family who would NEVER expect such filth and betrayl from him but secrerts and lies are WHO he is and its soooooo sad for everyone involved and it does NOT STOP just because we LOVE the man/women who are addicted to this web of lies and lust!!!
The tips listed above are really good but it does not mention anything about women who struggle with this issue. Can you give more advice to women who made have this same addiction?