How to Battle Porn
Feel like you’re losing the battle against porn? Talk to an email mentor, confidentially.
Four steps to winning the war against temptation
Pornography is progressive; what starts as a glimpse becomes a gawk. It follows the law of diminishing returns – whet the appetite and we want more.
No seven-year-old chooses an XXX-rated movie at the video store. It starts smaller, wearing down convictions a little at a time. Therefore, any form of compromises is serious.
Here are some practical tips to fight the battle against pornography:
- Build a shield
When Fred Stoeker found a Playboy magazine on top of a hotel ice machine, he considered the risks of one little compromise. He began to weigh the pros and cons in his mind – he was on a business trip; his wife would never know. Should he look at it or not? Then Fred recalled a Scripture memory verse, or as he calls it a shield verse: “Flee from sexual immorality…. You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore, honor God with your body” (1 Corinthians 6:18-20 NIV).
Fred realized, “I have no right to even consider looking at it. I haven’t the authority.” Memorizing Scripture to help combat the temptation to lust has aided him many times.
- Bounce your eyes
Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker and Mike Yorkey wrote Every Man’s Battle to help Christian men fight against lust and pornography. “If we define lusting as staring open-mouthed until drool pools at your feet, then a glance isn’t the same as lusting,” they write. “But if we define lusting as any look that creates a chemical high, that little pop, then we have something a bit more difficult to measure.”So train yourself to “bounce your eyes.” In other words, discipline your eyes to immediately look away from anything that might cause lust. The authors of Every Man’s Battle compare bouncing the eyes to yanking a hand away from a hot stove. “Not only did I train my eyes to bounce away from (sensual) ads, I also trained myself not to pick them up in the first place,” Fred explains.
That’s key. If we seriously desire to prevent or stop a pornography problem, we must not allow ourselves to even look at it. Don’t buy the romance novels. Throw away the movies with scenes that might cause your mind to go where it shouldn’t. And don’t linger on the lingerie ads. Recognize the sources of “that little pop” and avoid it whatever causes it.
- Be accountable
If you are serious enough about fighting temptation, you need to admit that you can’t trust yourself. So ask someone else to call you into account, to make sure you’re living according to God’s ways. “We must establish at least one to three supportive relationships for the purpose of accountability,” writes Russell Willingham in his book Breaking Free. “Without accountability we will be…unable to control our behavior.”The Bible puts it this way: “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy” (Proverbs 28:13, NIV).
Rob Andrescik, editor of New Man magazine, subscribes to Covenant Eyes, an Internet accountability program. The program sends Ron’s accountability partner a regular e-mailed report listing every single web site he visits. “When you know your accountability partner is going to see where you’ve been surfing,” says Rob, “it has a way of sucking the life out of temptation.”
- Be authentic
While Gene served as an associate pastor, his tinkering with pornography escalated into a full-scale sexual addiction. Eventually his secret did get out and he was appropriately fired from his church. Yet not everybody close to Gene knew. He recoiled at the thought of being completely open with his friends. “My life continued to deteriorate until the day I visited a pastor friend,” Gene says. “Without having planned it, I confessed my deepest secrets to him, pouring out my failure and guilt. I was certain that he would loathe and reject me.”The other pastor came around his desk toward Gene. “I almost expected him to strike me in outrage,” he says. Instead, he pulled Gene into his arms, hugged him and wept over him. He didn’t validate the sin that Gene was entrenched in, but he catapulted the healing process. “There in that office, for the first time in my life, I understood that God loved me, because this friend showed me.”
Being real and vulnerable with others – along with accountability, bouncing the eyes and memorizing Scripture – helps equip us in the spiritual battle. And this is a spiritual battle. “Christians who use pornography are attempting to satisfy legitimate needs for love, both human and divine – and satisfying legitimate needs for love, both human and divine – and satisfying neither kind,” writes Russell Willingham. “But the deception that perfect fulfillment is just one magazine or video away keeps us coming back,”
So as we fight the battle, we need to begin by seeking God for our satisfaction. We need to find our pleasure in Him.
Pornography may be a lifelong temptation. But if we’re equipped to battle it properly, we don’t have to lose the war. God will give us the strength we need to fight. And win.
Helping your husband battle pornography
Protect your kids from internet dangers
Hi Sarah,
Keep bringing it into the light. Confessing here is important, as is repenting before the Lord. It would also be recommended to connect with a trustworthy God-fearing mentor, a woman who is mature in her faith and willing to hold you accountable. Is there someone in your church family that you could confide in? I know there is a lot of shame and regret surrounding these things, but honestly confessing it and having support will take the hugest weight off your shoulders. You can also consider corresponding with one of our online mentors. Here is the link to get connected: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
As we know, to repent literally means to turn around and face God. One thing that really strikes me… next time you have the temptation to watch porn, ask yourself, “What would be the look on Jesus’ face?” I don’t know what picture comes to your mind, but I can only imagine His sorrow – not only for you, but for the whole sorry mess. Could you imagine watching porn as He stood beside you, holding your hand, caring for your heart? Because the truth is He is with you always, and knows all things. He will not hold any of the past or mistakes against you – only repent, receive forgiveness and then keep pressing on, knowing He is WITH YOU.
In our own strength we will cave to temptation. The flesh is weak and we have an enemy that wants to suck us into a deep, dark pit and keep us there. But our Lord’s strength is sufficient, and in His name we are OVERCOMERS. Also, pick out some meaningful Bible verses to keep in mind, repeating them to yourself or aloud whenever you need a quick burst of faith. And, there are some great life lessons you could do online to keep your mind occupied – http://powertochange.com/discover/ll_list/
Finally, I want to encourage you. Your heart for God is beautiful and He is faithful to help us as we desire to put Him first. He will teach you more and more what unconditional love is all about… and then, when the time is right for you to enjoy the beautiful gift of sexual intimacy that God has designed and planned for husband and wife, you will have JOY in your heart that you cannot even begin to imagine now. Do not let Satan steal that joy from you! God has good things in store and so I will continue praying for you, and thanking Him for the precious gold of your faith that will emerge refined by these trials.
Your sister in Christ,
Kate
I am only 18 and porn seems to be taking over my life at this point.. I am not addicted to it but I do end up watching it now and then. I feel terrible after a while and half the time I forget about asking God to help me overcome this temptation..
I find this disgusting but I don’t understand why I can’t stop completely.. I want only God to be my first priority in life.. Hes given me a life which I don’t deserve and an amazing family I don’t wanna hurt. The only one I want to love unconditionally is him.. Please keep me in your prayers.. I don’t want to keep hurting God this way..
Dear Lost Wife:
I am sorry to hear about the challenge you are going through right now with your husband. I can understand that you do not want to micromanage him. I don’t believe it would be healthy for you. If he is dealing with sexual addiction, you are on the right path in seeking help instead of trying to manage it yourself. On this site, there are mentors you can talk to here confidentially http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
I hope you consider talking to a mentor at this difficult time. There are also other articles and videos here about the topic, such as this one – http://powertochange.com/familylife/pornographys-effect-on-a-wife/ and this -
http://powertochange.com/itv/family/effects-porn-marriage/
Just know that you are not alone.
Lord I pray that You lift Lost Wife above the trials of what she is going through. I pray Lord that you place Your hand on her heart and the situation and let Your light shine through this darkness. Guide the situation Lord and their marriage and guide Lost Wife to the right resources and support for her to go through this difficult season in her life. Thank You Lord for being real and for Your presence.
Please visit us again, and please thoughtly consider talking to a mentor here: http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
Rasheil
Sean,
Thanks for sharing. I often wondered also whether avoiding exposure to temptation is truly buiding the strength to resist it, especially if it does not change a person’s ability to cope with that temptation at an accidental exposure to it. I believe what you shared answered that question for me. I can see now that there is a season to avoid exposure to temptation until one can become strong enough to withstand it in the face of temptation.
I agree with the little ways you brought up at the end, regarding course talk or joking. It seems harmless, but we are only human and a tiny thought can grow into an action. However, that takes a lot of humility and letting go of pride – to admit that something small can have the potential to propel us into the wrong direction. There is a type of arrogance that goes with thinking we are invinsible to little things.
You are right – it takes something much bigger than us to fight the good fight. The battle is truly spiritual and it is God’s.
Rasheil
How does the wife cope? My husband has read the book and continues to view from his iphone.He has lied to me on more than one occasion and I do not trust him anymore. I do not want to micromanage him. I am tired of his lies and deception. This isn’t the first slip up and our life is spiraling down hill.He has also commited adultry through email.
Wow! That is great Sean. What I like about your process is that you are acknowledging the work of God’s Spirit in your life by fixing your mind on the Word of God and prayer. The Spirit then gives you the strength to choose Him as the highest priority.
For me, the more that my first reaction to temptation is focusing my attention on God, His character, His plan for me, His provision for me, the more my passion to follow Him becomes. So I can actually begin to be thankful for the temptation because it now becomes a trigger to worshipping and serving God. And what I have found is that Satan now doesn’t tempt me as often with those things because it is getting the exact opposite reaction that he wants.
You said this battle is ramping up again in your life. Do you think there is something that has led to the temptation having more of an allure for you right now? How are you looking for help from God to stand firm in the face of the temptation surge?
Thank you Jamie and Rasheil for reading and sharing. I can only what I have done in order to battle this. I am by no means any type of expert in “bouncing my eyes”. My personal issues are compounded with internet. Because of the type of work I do I am constantly at a computer. I have my mobile devices and my work devices and my home devices I am literally surrounded by easy access of material and worse than that I am overcome by popups and embedded ads that showcase pornographic material geared at keeping those bound and entrapping new prisoners.
Ok that being said to the question what do I do? first and foremost I think upon the word of God. I remember that we should put no evil thing before our eyes. So when there something in front of me I first quote these scriptures I have memorized. Here O Israel the Lord our God is one Lord (Deut 6:4) This is a quick reminder that the one and only God of everything is alive and aware of my immediate circumstances and I am his Son and worship him only. So this thing I battle with is no longer my battle and it was overcome by his offering. So to continue down this path of lust would be placing something higher than him and therefore falling into Idolotry, Adultry etc…
I know that is a lot but as long as I am fully aware I can now make a decision on what I am going to do. being made aware is what leads us to our free will and this is what God wants. Outside of God I have proven I will choose lust over death, after all it is easier to lust, to gain pleasure (even if just for a moment) than to be reminded how lowly we are, how far we are from God without his spirit. Now the death I mentioned is the death to self. A chance to decide no I will not keep my mind on this, I will not satisfy these chemicals kicking off in my body. Now I can call on the name of Jesus. Take the word of God that has been given by his spirit and put this int action. by doing this you have just claimed once again you freely give up your life right now and die to your will by giving this will to God. This is putting your flesh into submission by giving it to Jesus. Now you are free in your spirit to fall on the ROCK the foundations that were given to believers.
simply put I place my mind on the things of God. Sometimes this leads to prayer, sometimes this leads to quoting scriptures. sometimes it is both. The only thing I can do to fight this thing is to not fight it… that is to say replace it with something higher than my desire.
I do believe that we should strip these things from our reach as much as possible, however, I am also fully aware that only covers things that are within our control. But Pornography and being entrapped by it appears in things you would have never thought possible. How about crass comedy, gutter talk, things joked about or talked about in the workplace? These things are sparks that get things going in my head… I have to be completely be aware at all times to put an end to it before it starts. excuse myself from the discussions, walk away, disengage from the talk just by shutting my mouth and shutting my ears by thinking upon the word of God.
I hope I answered some of your questions if not I am more than happy to share other ideas of what I have been doing to turn to God instead of the false pornographic hold that was once placed on me.
Sean, thank you for your two cents. Like Jamie, I would like to hear what helps you. I have read positive feedback about Covenant Eyes and other programs out there with the same purpose of helping with self-discipline.
A male friend of mine once shared that the more he submitted to obedience, the more he found he was resourced and stronger to stay in obedience.
I hope that helps others out there. THat along with just choosing to not take the first step on a path that deep down inside you already know would involve compromise really helps.
I pray for a renewed strength to cover all who are struggling with this, pray for all to be able to take the first step each time in the path of obedience rather than compromise.
Raheil
That was worth way more than two cents Sean! Can I ask how you are trying to gain mastery over your addiction to pornography?
I see this string of posts and am thankful there are men and women out the that are willing to share and help others battling with this severe issue. I stubled on this site as I find myself in a battle once again with the addiction to pornography. For those that have the same types of temptations understand this is unwanted yet hard to battle very strong urges that seem to be overwhelming.
I read the post and analogy from Doug, “it doesn’t matter where you get your appetite as long as you make sure to eat at home! ” I can only assume you mean If I am not going any further that a feeting thought or arousal by seeing a beautiful female and after all these are natural things man has or in fact this is how men are made (with the urge of physical attraction).
A simple scripture to remind you: Mat 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
I believe this would go completely against the mindset that its ok to look. We already know it is not ok to look. Infact looking is the issue. It is not the fact that this beauty walked across your path, it is “how” you looked did you simply see this person and find beauty of did you notice the beauty and then desired to interact. This interaction or what I say is entertaining the thoughts of her beauty. do I think upon her beauty and then desire in my mind in my heart to posess her physical beauty. This is the build up of lust.
My two cents
That sounds like a wonderfully ambitious task Prof. I applaud your desire to make a difference in India through that kind of political interaction. I would recommend that you get in touch with Focus on the Family and access their expertise in that kind of political action. I don’t know if they have any presence in India currently but you will be able to find out more about them and how to connect with them if you go to thier website http://www.focusonthefamily.com.
Hi Jamie, Thanks for reply. I am a college professor now. I propose to invoking relevant constitutional provisions to save our indian culture, family system, and moral values which are instrumental in protecting and ensuring peace, non-violance, humanity and love & affection.
The violance, excessive adult content and soft porn in Indian movies, TVs and News reporting all slowing poisining our mind. I will go further to say that adulty, sexuality, multi partner sex, group sex etc., have been being made / projected as normal. Hence, the young minds have been corruted.
The press and mainstream cinemas dont follow any self regulating norms. They are mostly business minded and publish articles without being sensitive to the cultural orientation of the land and people.
Hence, I prepare my case as a former attorney to file a writ petition as Public interst litication in Supreme court.
At the same time I would like to launch a youth movement (as well as online) to identify and collaborate with like minded people who could help to save our Indian Social Values.
Thanking you once again for your reply.
Kindly share your ideas / knowledge in shaping my movement.
Hi Prof. Thirumoorthi, what kind of moral support were you looking for? What kinds of things are you doing to fight pornography and obscenity in India?
I want to pursue fight against porography and obscenity in India. Is there any like minded people there who could support me morally.
I agree with the points of the article but i’d like to balance it, these “technical” tips are goodd, but without the help of the Holy Spirit, this battle is hopeless…
and also, i doubt this war will be won on this earth, we will have to fight until our last breathe, maybe we will gain strength in this war, but until our enemy (our flesh) will be put to death we won’t have peace, and thinking we are in peace with sin is being more vulnerable
May our Lord grant you strength, perseverance and wisdom in your fight for purity !
Steven
David I think your response is not only simplistic but wrong. Pornography addictions most often start long before a man ever gets married, and regardless of what happens in the bedroom it is such a strong addiction that without getting help it cannot be broken. Only God can give us the power to stop it.
As the author puts it so well, Being real and vulnerable with others – along with accountability, bouncing the eyes and memorizing Scripture – helps equip us in the spiritual battle. And this is a spiritual battle. “Christians who use pornography are attempting to satisfy legitimate needs for love, both human and divine – and satisfying legitimate needs for love, both human and divine – and satisfying neither kind,” writes Russell Willingham. “But the deception that perfect fulfillment is just one magazine or video away keeps us coming back,”
If Christian wives would satisfy their husbands needs on a regular basis, the amount of porn would drop dramatically.
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Thanks Jennifer for writing this article!
I think lust has become a common enemy with the kind of materialism and pornography that young people are left to encounter. Moreover, even the older generations in many countries have become victims.
I feel the real challenge lies with the young people of today to fight this evil force that is destroying the families all over the world.
I pray to god for all humanity including myself to give us the strength.
Peace
Basu
Doug, I agree that it would be silly for the boy in your example to be concerned about his father abandoning him and adopting one of the other high school football players. His lack of concern would be justified, because as far as I know such a thing has never happened. (Although I’m sure there is an exception to be found somewhere.) On the other hand, there are many, many examples of husbands leaving their wives (or wives leaving their husbands) to run off with other people. (There are example stories on our own website about this.) So I don’t think your analogy is apt; it is not the same in a crucial respect to the thing it is trying to describe. Applying this analogy to a husband watching pornography is actually what is silly.
Further, I seems to me that admiration is the same kind of thing as lust. Admiring someone else for their athletic ability or intellectual cleverness seems to be emotionally distinct from lusting after someone else. A person who is married or in a committed relationship can freely engage in sports activities or intellectual discussions with others, but not sex. So watching pornography would be considered in a different category from other more benign activities; in involves feelings that are supposed to be reserved for their significant other.
Leaving aside the problems of porn addiction (which is prevalent in both men and also women as reported recently in the New York Times) there is also the issue of loving your spouse. If a husband is doing something that upsets his wife, shouldn’t he, out of love and respect for her, want to stop doing it, whatever it may be?
In the same way, if a wife is causing her husband distress by what she does, shouldn’t she want to avoid doing such things in the future, out of love for him and desire to see their relationship remain strong? This is a matter of respect for the other relationship partner. You suggest the problem is the wife’s low self-esteem, but what if the wife objects because she has HIGH self-esteem and demands to be given the respect they rightly deserve from their partner?
I don’t think blaming the wife in this situation is helpful. A husband telling her to “get over it” so to speak and to fix her own problems is not the action of a caring husband and will not be helpful to their relationship.
A father attends his son’s high school football game and notices that his son isn’t the best player on the team. In fact, many of the players on the team are better at football than his son is.
Should the son be concerned that his father might disown him and/or start acting fatherly towards one of the more-skilled football team members?
That would be silly of the boy to think that, wouldn’t it? If the father loves his son, and for that matter if he is a reasonable and sensible adult, the thought wouldn’t even enter his mind. A father is easily able to love his son and remain committed to him despite realizing that his family member isn’t as good as other people in the world.
Now take the above scenario and replace “father” with “husband”, “son” with “wife”, and “football” with “attractiveness”. Most husbands are easily able to love and remain committed to their wives even though they notice that other women are sexier than their wives. In short, looking does not equal cheating. As they say, it doesn’t matter where you get your appetite as long as you make sure to eat at home!
Since, indeed, looking does not equal cheating, then what is the source of a wife’s concern in this matter? Why is a wife distressed by the fact that her husband is looking? Occasional exceptions to the rule aside, the typical husband won’t cheat on his wife, so what is the real reason for this fear?
The real basis for this is in the wife’s self-esteem. Wives who have a strong ego, who don’t have weak self-images, aren’t scared that their husbands will cheat if they notice other women who are more attractive. So, generally, if you’re concerned about your husband’s interest in sexy women, it probably means you yourself don’t think you are sexy enough to keep him from straying.
And that’s YOUR problem, not HIS. Oh sure, it’s his problem because it’s your problem, but he can’t fix it. Only you can. Only the individual with the low self-esteem can fix the low self-esteem.
Blaming husbands for our own problems isn’t a productive way to fix the problems. If you want it fixed, fix it yourself.
These secrets ruin lives, tear families to pieces!!! I live it, it was gradual, from online dating sites to LOCAL on line dating (looking for REAL women he could meet) to porn, to webcams to escorts!!! Idont even know who he is anymore!!! This is an educated 45 year old “family man” with friends and family who would NEVER expect such filth and betrayl from him but secrerts and lies are WHO he is and its soooooo sad for everyone involved and it does NOT STOP just because we LOVE the man/women who are addicted to this web of lies and lust!!!
The tips listed above are really good but it does not mention anything about women who struggle with this issue. Can you give more advice to women who made have this same addiction?