31 Flavors of Character
As reality TV shows cram the airwaves, one can’t help but notice the superficiality of our American dating process. For example, Evan, the fake millionaire, must choose a mate from a lineup of 25 beautiful women. Or, Trista, the gorgeous blonde, tries to find a husband by sharing a hottub with a string of cute hunks. Notice how your average guy or plain girl never appears on these programs. Not surprisingly, most of these TV relationships experience the painful “reality” of a breakup.
In addition, the boom of online dating services hasn’t improved the decision-making process for singles. Go online, and you can find someone with brunette hair who likes sushi and long walks in the rain. However, notice that these companies cannot guarantee that you will find a person with character. No matter what a dating service claims, they can’t verify the integrity of anyone in their database. Yet, without this key ingredient, couples cannot build lasting intimacy.
A person has character when he or she chooses to love you – even if there is no immediate benefit. Unfortunately, people do not wear signs around their necks informing you that they possess honesty, loyalty, or compassion. Therefore, it is your job to determine the virtue of the person whom you date. You cannot assume or take someone else’s word on the matter. You must draw your own conclusions. But, how do you discern character in a person whom you’re just getting to know? The answer lies in observing whether someone looks out for the needs of others, rather than concentrating on himself or herself. In other words, is he or she willing to love sacrificially?
For instance, review the list of 31 Character Questions at the end of this article. If you are seriously dating someone, these are the types of issues you must consider. Take the time to ask your date each one of these questions, because character can have many flavors, but it always stems from the sweet desire to love sacrificially.
The willingness of a person to sacrifice sheds light on their level of character. And, as you examine someone, don’t forget to ask yourself, “Do I consider the needs of others, or do I usually look out for #1?” Sometimes, integrity may even include telling someone “no,” such as when you are tempted to go too far sexually, waste money, or spend too much time together.
However, if we are honest with ourselves, we must confess that a problem exists when we try to love sacrificially—we cannot consistently do it. All of us possess some measure of loyalty, mercy, and self-control. Yet, as conflict, disappointment, or the routine of daily life affect our relationships, the desire to care for another person tends to disappear. If we are called on to sacrifice, we usually expect something in return or wait until the sacrifice feels convenient.
Sacrificial love, however, is not about convenience or getting something in return. A romantic relationship is supposed to represent the way Christ gave Himself up for us (Ephesians 5:22–33). Yet, if you and I cannot consistently love in this manner, what hope do our relationships have of experiencing lasting intimacy?
Jesus Christ presents hope by offering to live His sacrificial love through you (Galatians 2:20). He displayed the ultimate act of character by dying innocently upon a cross. Through His resurrection, Jesus can now live His integrity through your life. By His power, you can extend sacrificial love to another person—even when you do not feel like it. No fancy prayers are necessary; you simply invite Him by faith to live through you. By His grace, He will take over and impart His character through your circumstances (Titus 2:11-12).
Too often, though, our human pride attempts to water down the definition of sacrifice to make it easier for us to attain. For instance, we might define sacrificial love as a man paying big money to take his girlfriend to a sold-out concert. That’s a nice gesture, but Christ might define sacrifice as that man paying big money for concert tickets, only to skip the show upon discovering his girlfriend is drained from a terrible day at work. His focus is to support and encourage her, which might also mean not turning on the TV while she is talking. To a human, those actions may sound unreasonable. When you yield to Christ, however, He can give you the desire to change your plans, sit patiently with someone, and listen to their problems.
True love means laying down your wishes to profit another person. Your spiritual union with Christ makes this kind of behavior possible. You can try to love in your own strength, but you will eventually burn out. Until you ask Jesus to live His sacrificial love through you, loving another person will always be a struggle. That’s why it’s important to learn to rely upon Christ as your source of character. Likewise, it’s imperative to discover if the person whom you date has learned to depend upon Christ as his or her source of integrity.
As you discern someone’s character, take your time, and do not expect perfection. Everyone makes mistakes, slacks off, and acts selfishly on occasion. Be very careful, however, if a person’s integrity appears erratic. Honesty, humility, and forgiveness should be normal traits, rather than rare. You want to date someone whose virtue is consistent. This does not mean that integrity should be boring or predictable. On the contrary, dating someone with good character should free you to have a blast together. So, sweeten your romantic relationship by making sure it is flavored with sacrificial love!
Fully discuss each of these 31 questions before you consider engagement to someone. (Remember to develop rapport first before talking about these intimate issues.)
Spiritual character
1. Who is Jesus Christ to you?
2. When and how did you become a Christian?
3. What is your spiritual gift?
4. Are you involved in a local church or Bible study?
Financial character
5. Do you have any debt? If so, how much?
6. If you have debt, how long will it take you to get rid of it?
7. Do you have a stable employment history?
8. How much do you have in a savings account? Retirement account?
9. Do you consistently give money to the church or to the less fortunate?
Dating character
10. Tell me about your past dating relationships.
11. Are you still involved in any other relationships?
12. Have you ever been engaged? If yes, why was it called off?
13. Have you been divorced? If yes, why did your marriage fail? Are children involved?
Sexual character
14. Are you comfortable waiting for sex until marriage?
15. Have you ever had sex? If yes, how recently?
16. Are you carrying any sexually transmitted diseases?
17. Have you ever struggled with homosexuality?
18. Have you ever had an abortion?
General character
19. What difficult circumstances have you endured?
20. What makes you passionate in life?
21. Have you ever broken the law?
22. In what ways are you involved in helping others?
Friends & family
23. Who are your friends?
24. Do you get along well with your family? Why or why not?
25. Is your family excited about our relationship?
26. What are your views about the roles of a husband and wife?
27. Do you want to have children if you get married? How many? How soon?
Addictions
28. Are you addicted to alcohol, substances, pornography, or anything else?
29. Have you ever smoked, used drugs, or struggled with an eating disorder?
30. Do you have family members who wrestle with addictions?
31. Do you gamble or play the lottery?
Hi to all 3 of you,
In am Alfred, a mentor for this site. To Patricia I would say: “Our daughter came home very early from the first high-school party, saying that it was not a good thing for Christians to be involved in.” She found better friends to be with on party nights! Now she is married to a great young man whom we appreciate.
Arlene, there is a great variety of characters even in churches, and some are not Christians. Some lights shine brighter than others, and those that are almost out may need a great deal of prayer and encouragement to brighten up. We need to choose close friends carefully!
Kim, it is never too late to make some Spirit-led changes. I like your closing statement “Living in a way that does not Honor God is really NOT living.”
I find that my thought-life is ever so important, for a great motivator has said “As a man thinketh, so is he.” and another said “ What you think about, you will become.” Let’s feed our minds on what is wholesome, honest, and of good report.
I read a small book called “God’s Loving Faithfulness”, by Eric & Lesslie Ludy.
I call it Courtship by Christ’s leading:
It is about 2 people who are active in the church’s Young People’s Group. They get to know each other Spiritually, socially and intellectually. They even go on an inner-city crusade together. He says to her, “You should be spending this much time with the person you will someday marry, not with me.” To both their surprise, she answers, “Yes, I think you should talk to my dad about that.” He mentioned it to her dad, the Pastor, who said, “If your relationship were not pure, the Lord would have told me.” Soon after that they got to know each other emotionally, that is, they fell in love! After the wedding they got to know each other physically! What a beautiful sequence of events, as the Lord prepared them for each other!
Now I add: How sad that in today’s world most young people have that sequence backwards!
What else shall I say? Those 31 questions are a great guide! Blessings.
This is a good article and good advice. It is true it is very difficult to find men or women in the church who truly follow the Biblical way in relationships. It is so easy for us to fall into the trap of “Well, there really is no one like that out there.” Or, we ourselves do not feel worthy of someone who meets a lot of the criteria. Does that mean we give up, limit God and settle for second best. Settle for a man or woman who does not have Godly Character. Or, because we really like someone but they really don’t have much character but “they are so cute and so nice, and so, so, so…. It is okay to go ahead and marry them because they will change when they see how important it is to me.” Oh, not so! I have been married for 19 years and divorced now for 15. Since divorce, settled for less than God’s best for me. Living in a way that does not Honor God is really NOT living.
Good article, but unfortunately I find that even in the church some of these things are difficult to find.
This article offers really good advice! I really wish instead of learning sex-ed at my high school girls were introduced to this. We have a right to be with decent guys.!!
God Bless