Why Do Good Girls Date Bad Boys?

Written by Rob Eagar

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Ready to improve your dating game? 6 ways to date better.

Cindy was smitten with her new boyfriend, Evan. They met at church, and he possessed many of the qualities that she had dreamed of in a man—except for his reputation of being the “life of the party.” Evan liked to visit a local sports bar and relax with his old college buddies. Cindy didn’t mind him hanging out with his friends. However, Evan occasionally went overboard and wound up intoxicated.

Whenever Cindy brought up the subject of his drinking, Evan agreed with her concerns, promised to quit, and told her not to worry about it. Yet, instead of distancing herself from Evan, Cindy dove deeper into their relationship, hoping that her affection might give him the incentive to change. She envisioned that she could help Evan mature into a better man. As they dated, she prayed for his improvement, gave him motivational tapes, and urged him to think of God and their future when faced with the temptation to drink.

Evan appreciated Cindy’s support, and after ten months of dating, he asked her to marry him. He still had occasional setbacks with alcohol, but they were less frequent than before. Cindy joyfully concluded that her influence was effective and her love would change him forever.

Soon after their engagement, however, Evan’s real estate business began to falter. Under stress, he started to work longer hours, and stopped by the sports bar on his way home. He swore to Cindy that he was just talking with his friends. Until one night, she received a call from the police. Evan was arrested for drunk driving. Cindy was devastated by his relapse. She thought Evan would change for her. Instead, his unresolved habits resurfaced and shattered her heart.

Cindy’s story represents a common occurrence among Christian single women of all ages. The problem happens when sincere Christian women ignore the nice Christian guys and pursue relationships with men known as “bad boys.” Worse, some ladies find themselves unable to break free from an attraction to men of ill repute. Since this situation is more widespread than many realize, let’s examine why this phenomenon occurs. First, how do you define a “bad boy.”

A bad boy is a man who seems outwardly attractive, but is unwilling to offer sacrificial love in a relationship. He is too immature and preoccupied with himself to share genuine compassion, concern, or acceptance. A bad boy lacks character and might exhibit the following behavior: lying, aloofness, irresponsible dreaming, fear of commitment, sexual promiscuity, addiction to substances or pornography, selfishness, hunger for power, disinterest in surrendering to God, etc.

In addition, a bad boy is not interested in true love, because real love requires consistent sacrifice. A bad boy will only sacrifice for someone if it’s convenient for him or if he gets something in return. He expects the woman to do most of the giving, while he ignores her needs or takes advantage of her. Yet, why do some Christian women find themselves attracted to bad boys?

Three key beliefs can contribute to this problem:

Reason #1 – He can be fixed.

Just like Cindy believed that she could change Evan, some women allow their “nurturing instinct” to affect whom they choose to date. In other words, a nice girl may view a bad boy as a “project” or someone whom she can help “fix.” This incident occurs when a woman acknowledges that her boyfriend has character flaws, yet believes she can help him mature or overcome his problems. Helping a man to “grow up” can play into a woman’s sense of significance.

Also, if a woman was abused or ignored by her father, she may not know how to identify character or real love. Worse, she may subconsciously think that her past pain can be erased by marrying a bad boy and making everything work out right.

The fallacy of this belief is that it’s impossible to make a man improve his character. He may fake integrity over the short-term, but a man will only mature when he makes the decision himself. All too often, a woman reasons that a bad boy’s character flaws will not harm her. She believes that she is insulated from the consequences of his dishonesty, addictions, or immaturity. Sadly, the girlfriend is usually the person who winds up suffering the most hurt. She hangs onto the relationship thinking her sacrifice will encourage him to improve. Months later, his abusive behavior destroys her self-esteem and drains the life out of her.

Reason #2 – He pursued me.

Bad boys tend to be more assertive than nice guys when it comes to initiating a dating relationship. Since most women want a man to pursue them, this aggressive approach can feel appealing. In addition, a bad boy may seem driven to make something out of himself. Women usually prefer a man who seems to have purpose in life. For example, some single Christian women complain that “Christian men are too passive or non-adventurous.” In other words, “nice guys” wait too long to initiate relationships or don’t seem to be going anywhere in life.

This criticism is a valid issue that Christian men should consider. For instance, do you know men who are too scared of rejection to ask a woman for a date? Are they too nervous to follow their dreams or the desires that God has placed in their heart? In his book, Wild at Heart, John Eldridge says, “When all is said and done, I think most men in the church believe that God put them on earth to be a good boy…That’s what we hold up as models of Christian maturity: Really Nice Guys. The answer is simply this: We have not invited a man to live from his deep heart.” One lesson that nice guys can learn from bad boys is to follow those inner desires that make them come alive.

Good girls date bad boys, however, when they lower their standards and accept any assertive invitation that they receive. Remember, you cannot spin gold from a pile of straw. Dating a guy with poor character, even if he pursues you, will still equal a poor relationship.

Ladies, this does not mean that you should date a man who is boring. On the contrary, date a guy who captivates you. However, take the time to discern that man’s character before you give him your heart.

Reason #3 – He’s so exciting.

Our society glamorizes the bad boy attitude–just look at who we consider the most popular singers and actors (Eminem, P. Diddy, Ashton Kutcher, Jack Nicholson, etc.). Bad boys draw attention to themselves, and their popularity or playful personality can be very attractive. The notoriety of dating a bad boy can touch a woman’s need for acceptance and significance. What some women don’t realize, however, is that their personal reputation can be tarnished by associating with a notorious person. If people don’t respect your boyfriend, they will have a hard time respecting you.

Bad boys may be fun, but the party never lasts. Vain pleasure always wears off over time. Thus, good girls beware. A bad boy may shower you with compliments, attention, and excitement, but the moment you cease to keep him happy–he will lose interest in you. Soon, he’s off looking for another woman to indulge his selfish heart.

Break the bad boy cycle

How can a “good girl” avoid dating a bad boy? The key lies in understanding your identity in Jesus Christ. Don’t define yourself by whether or not you have a boyfriend, because Jesus is the only Person who offers the unconditional acceptance that your heart craves. Your true identity is a beautiful, celebrated, daughter of God (Isaiah 62:3-4).

On the other hand, the affection of a bad boy is always performance-based. Jesus, however, sacrificed His life to love you without expecting anything in return. Your desire to feel cherished and complete can only be met by Christ (Colossians 2:10). If you do not learn to get your need for love met in Him, then your heart can be vulnerable to a bad boy’s charisma.

In addition, human relationships only experience intimacy when both parties sacrifice for each other. By definition, a bad boy is unwilling to offer you sacrificial love. So don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are immune to his lack of integrity. You must be willing to walk away from a man who is unwilling to sacrifice for your needs.

Also, don’t attempt to fix a bad boy’s character flaws. Only Jesus Christ can change a man, and it generally takes years to see real improvement. Change is possible, but a man must be willing to surrender himself to God and take action. First John 4:19 says, “We love, because He first loved us.” This verse reveals that a man’s ability to love a woman is only found in the life that Jesus offers to live through him. A real man knows that he can do nothing apart from Christ (John 15:5). Therefore, ladies, reserve your heart for a guy who will rely upon Christ to love you.

Bad boys may be more common than men with character, but waiting for a man with integrity is worth it. So kiss the bad boys goodbye, and say hello to true love in Christ!

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98 Responses to “Why Do Good Girls Date Bad Boys?”

  • Very Serious says:

    [Hi Very Serious, your comments have been removed. If you would like to participate in this conversation please refrain from making derogatory comments about individuals or groups of people. You don’t have to agree with anyone and are welcomed to challenge ideas but please do it in a respectful tone.]

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Ria, I can understand where you’re coming from, but you can’t change another person. You can’t change this character, you can’t make him want to be different. With God’s help he can change himself, but you can’t do that work for him. I know it’s not easy to hear, but it’s an important lesson to learn. If you don’t like his character, that might be a really good indicator that he is not the kind of person you want to spend your time with. Do you pray for him? What do you think God it telling you?

  • ria says:

    touched my heart too….. thnx for sharing all these my bf does not rply me so frquntly he does bt aftr so many hrs…. i wnna change him dunno hw can i change his bad chrctr.

  • Lora says:

    Thanx fo the message coz this is what most girls go through,be blessed fo the wonderful work

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.
    Lord I lift all who are going through this situation in there lives and that you will guide them in this area. In Jesus Mighty name amen

  • […] think that he can be fixed, or that he has a sense of mystery and […]

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God
    Lord I lift up my friend Kat to you and to all who read this rsponse that the Lord our God is with you in all areas of your life. I pray that You will let God choose your man to be in life and that you will let Jesus be both friends to you. In Jesus Mightyname amen

  • Kat says:

    Hello there!

    Thank you for the article it was very helpful. Were can I start. I have not been the best partner in relationships. I did not have my parents around. I was raised by different family members and I always felt like I had to fight for love. I have survived 2 very unhealthy relationships. The first on led me to Christ. I felt so broken I thought that was my last hope. When things become good again, I met my second partner and I drifted away from Christ. Through sin, jealously and hate. I’m 2 years removed from that relationship and more involved in my church and faith than I have ever been. I’m happy and loving the direction that God is leading me. Then, I meet this man at school. He’s smart, funny, charming, and protective. He said he’s a Christian and I thought I hit the jackpot. But he’s also tempermental, provacative, and money hungry which shares a very thin line with what society calls ambitions. My point is, do you see the pattern? I’m falling unlicensed with a man that my spirit is telling me that he is no good for me. I think about him constantly and i.s always in consistent conflict when it comes to my feelings for him. The realitUy is, I have never been or witness a healthy relationship. I have no clue if I’m over analyzing or not. I do not fall for men easily at all. This is why I am taken back by these feelings. But I do not want to make the same mistakes. Please pray for clearity & strength for me. And give me advice. Thank you.

  • Andrew Andrew says:

    @Gail I understand firsthand the deep desire to help someone who lacks self confidence and that believing with our love that person will change. I was involved in an extremely abusive relationship where I thought with love the person would change it caused severe heart ache for me. The end result was I lost my home, vehicle, security, and destroyed my credit for 7 years. It was a very very very difficult heart breaking lesson to learn.

    Mark my words if you decide to proceed with this relationship in a few years time you will look back and recall this article and the response I have written. We are not the Holy Spirit where we can change people and trying to lead someone to Christ through kindness will only get burned in the process. Men and woman who tell their lovers that I will kill myself if you leave are extremely selfish and often only are using the other to satisfy there emotional, physical, and spiritual needs.

    Take a step back and remove yourself from the situation and seek Christ’s wisdom through reading his word and you will discover what you should do. Your boyfriend does not need you to be lead to Jesus he is a grown insecure man who only his surrender to Christ will give him the self confidence. In the last relationship which ended a number of years ago it was the same situation until I realized that I was preventing my g/f from drawing closer to Christ because as long as provided for her needs she did not need Christ I was in the way and to a large extent so are you. Your choice is to to draw closer to Christ and he is drawing you the other way. You choose Christ or him?

  • gail says:

    How do you know if you’re dating a loser or a bad boy? Maybe he just doesn’t have enough faith in himself because no one in his life ever fie, nor ever supported him? If you are a real Christian, how can you walk away from someone who us miserable, depressed, thinks he is a mistake, and would be close to suicide? Isn’t it our jobs to counsel and help them? Give them confidence or try to, so they can help themselves change? How can you walk away from someone who has nothing? Couldn’t you help change them and lead them to God and Jesus? I realize we can only do so much…biting believe Jesus helped people, and loved people unconditionally.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Sam, I agree that calling this ‘funny’ is a callous comment. It sounds like this issue has really touched a nerve for you. Why are you so passionate about it?

  • Sam says:

    Why do men date crazy women?

    News flash, everyone’s a jerk. The guy saying “Often times it is very funny to watch that but wish God could help them in such matters” is a nice comment? No, it’s not. [expletive removed]

    If you think you’re nice, you’re a naive [expletive removed].

  • Hanu says:

    I had observed otherwise very good girls being end up with bad guys. It used to bother me a lot. Any person who uses common sense will never fall for such things, yet these girls do. And then I realized girls never really use their commonsense when necessary. Good looking girls reject good guys and end up with abusive guys. Often times it is very funny to watch that but wish God could help them in such matters.

  • Doris Beck Doris says:

    Rachel as the mother of daughters my heart goes out to you. It’s so hard when your daughter is going against everything you believe in and hold dear. For now, the most important thing to remember is that in the end, the young man will probably be gone, but she will still be your daughter. Focus on your relationship with her, and pray like crazy. Along the way, we do have online mentors that will pray for you and walk alongside of you on this difficult journey. Just fill in the form on this page and someone will email you and walk with you. http://powertochange.com/discover/need-prayer/

    Let me pray for you before I close:

    Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for Rachel and her heart for you. Right now that heart is so heavy for her daughter. Help her to cast her cares on You dear Lord because she cannot carry it on her own. Redeem this situation Lord. And in the meantime, I pray for Rachel that You would give her grace to know how to nurture her relationship with her daughter so that in the end they will have a good one. Give her grace for each day Lord as You have promised. Amen

  • Rachel says:

    My daughter has been seeing a young man who don’t believe in God
    Parties, and is disrespectful. My daughter tells me I don’t know the
    True person he is, and I need to just get to know him. Now my 16 year old
    Daughter is pregnant and he says he is going to be there, but this
    Kid has dropped out of school, can’t keep a job and parties every chance
    He gets. I’m so worried about my daughter, I don’t know what to do
    I’m afraid of losing her completely. She thinks this kid hung the moon
    Prayers and advice appreciated.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    am glad to hear that you have come to the decision that this is not the man for you. There is no reason for you to be subject to that kind of treatment. If you have reason to be concerned about his daughters’ safety than you have a legal responsibility to inform the authorities. You will need to have some specific allegations though and not just guesses.

    As far as telling his ex-wife, I would only if you have a good relationship with her. Likely there is nothing that you reveal that she is not already aware of unless, as I said before, you have some specific allegations of the girls’ safety and well-being compromised.

    Lord God, I pray for Patty as she tries to discern what course of action to take. I pray that You would help her to act wisely and in the best interest of the girls. I ask that you would protect her from this man and keep her from falling victim to his anger. And I pray for these two girls that You would guard them from being harmed by their father. Help him to be transformed so that he provides them with a godly influence. Amen.

  • Mika says:

    Patty,

    Im sorry for your discovery. If what your saying is correct then what you recieved was red flags. He does not appear to want you. Deal with the rejection and do not be spiteful about it. It hurts but.it takes your focus off of other possibilities.

  • Patty says:

    I had a relationship with a man on and off for a year, who is a father of 2 young girls 10,13. He was very protective of his daughters so much that he never even let me meet them, saying he never let any woman he dated meet them. He is 5 years younger than me, Im 55. He always was very private with his life and we just never developed a close enough relationship, thanks to him, to allow it to progress. I admit all my life I have been attracted to the “bad boy” however when my husband from my marriage over 20 years ago, put a loaded gun to my head when I asked for a divorce I thought I was pretty much done with that kind of man. I must admit I do get bored with “average men” and need that excitment the bad boy brings and I doubt it will change now. However after 6 months of not having this man with the young daughters in my life physically, I still miss him even after trying to move on with other relationships. I text him often, he usually replies with hateful comments agreeing to see me once only to change his mind. He really had the ability to be kind and gentle often, never physically mean with me over that year and I kept thinking he’ll change. But now he is apparently heavily involved with porn, porn sites and multiple women. He was raised Catholic, daughters go to Catholic school and he states he has belonged, though doesn’t attend regularly to a Nondenomintional church. I would never be with him at this point, but I’m concerned about his daughters. Should I get the information I have to his ex-wife as he has his daughters with him almost daily?

  • Andrew Andrew says:

    The article that was written was intended for woman who are being pursued by immature boys who hide their insecurities being so called bad boys. In my life it was reversed I pursued the bad girls who appeared to be sweet only they turned out to be mean, abusive, and destructive towards me. I did marry one of this nature who would have destroyed me if I allowed her too as I mistakenly believed that I would have the ability with my insights to change her. It was me who ended up making a choice either leave Christ and keep on the path I was going or choose to stay married. I decided to become free which was difficult but a blessing as well as I had biblical grounds for divorce.

    For the woman who are contemplating getting married to a boy who does not demonstrate the true character of Christ’s love then one day you will wake up and discover what it really means to be alone. He will stray and find other woman who will most likely become pregnant by him as he will get tired of you and your feeble attempts to change him. The issue is often we don’t look to Christ to guide us as are thinking is polluted and warped due to what the world teaches us. How do we change the behavior? The answer is found in Romans 12: 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

    Getting involved with a bad boy/girl is like inserting your hand in a waterfall and thinking you have the strength to not go over the water falls due to your strong character. BAD boys/girls are this way because they are broken inside and they only know how to feel whole by destroying another via sexual abuse,physical abuse, mental abuse and working to destroy your spiritual life as they can never understand the love of Christ!

    God Bless

  • Mark says:

    It can be difficult being a young Christian boy or young man, being the “nice guy” when trying to compete for the attention of Christian girls. When I was a Christian teen, I knew Christian girls in my Sunday school class that preferred non-Christian boys. Their reason was that they complained that Christian boys/young men were too naïve, immature and insipid. These young women learned too late that the excitement ends sooner or later and that their worldly suitor is insensitive, irresponsible and egocentric.
    Another reason why good girls and even bad girls are attracted to bad boys is for a feeling of security. A young girl may have many suitors at her beck and call but a tough “bad boy” will protect her from the bores and the nerds. As the couple gets older, when they are no longer in school or college, the need for protection somewhat wanes and the bad boy has outlived his usefulness. As a police officer, I have been to family disturbances where the man will tell officers that his wife is not the same woman from their younger days. “She used to like it when we would hot rod around in my pick-up, drink beer and she laughed at my Chewbacca imitation”. When the woman would speak to officers, she would say, “I’ve grown up, he hasn’t”.
    My only advice for Christian girls/young women is to think ahead. Ask yourself “what would this man be as when we are thirty? Will he be a good provider? Will he be loyal? Does he have a relationship with Christ our Lord? Also, Christian girls/young women need to seek council from older Christian women who have been married and know what it is to have a good Christian husband and father to your children.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    I am happy for you Johanna that you have found a man who loves you for who you are. It is an important part of relationships to find happiness in each other. But let me caution you that a person who spends a lot of time under the influence of alcohol is soon controlled by it and led down a path to destruction. Just because he is happy today does not mean he will stay that way. There are many wives and many children who will agree that a drunk man is a danger to all who love him.

  • johanna says:

    well i kmow that bad boys is something you like my boyfriend is a bad boy he does not know how to get out of truoble he likes to party to drink and goes to raves but he had never ever lay a hand on me but i like it because he makes me happy he knows when to be sweet and does not care about my looks either but is beacuse a boy looks for a good girl also.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Can I elaborate on your “take-away” Michael? Yes indeed, the world we live in is fallen and in need of redemption. The inner voice we need to listen to is the Holy Spirit who is directing us so that we can avoid the temptations that this fallen world throw at us. He will help us to know how best to get along with culture we live in without selling out. One of my favorite promises from the Bible is Galatians 5:16 “If we walk by the Spirit we will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.” Walking by the Spirit is a moment by moment attention directed towards the Spirit looking for how He leads us and teaches us. So in the context of this discussion of ‘good girls dating bad boys’ good girls can depend on the Holy Spirit to lead them of who they are to fall in love with and how to love that boy.

  • Michael says:

    Interesting site — and thread!
    I found myself reading everything (including comments) word-for-word. I happened across this page looking for honest “testimony” from people in the midst of real experiences. I find myself both heartened — and horrified at the same time! I say that in response to both those commenting and the moderators. While I don’t have all day to elaborate, my overwhelming “take-away” from this site is that we live in a fallen world — and people need to trust their inner voices more. However, the strong secular societies of the modern era have — and continue to be a force to be reckoned with! As one person posted: “If you live in North American culture, you need to live by its rules or you never get around.” So true! The trick is to get along — without selling yourself out. It’s a hard thing to do and takes a strong sense of self.

    In closing, there is no such thing as a truly “committed” relationship until a ring is involved (at least an engagement ring). This harkens back to our Grandmothers’ era! So. . .to the guy who realized he still has strong feelings for a prior girlfriend who is back in his life: who gives you the MOST peace and contentment?? Which one embodies the goals and aspirations set forth in your heart?? If you lost everything but the shirt on your back, which one would still stand by you and be an equal partner moving forward?? Just a few things to consider! Sail on. . .and take inventory of the blessings around you.

  • James says:

    you got all wrong; if the “good” girls like the bad one, you surely got it all wrong. the one who thinks like that is horribly mistaken. Let’s put it bluntly, I rather date a non-christian girl than even talk to a christian girl for anything. At least, the non-Christians have their problems right in front of them not hidden behind their faith. If you live in North American culture, you need to live by its rules or you never get around. God said this and that, so what; wait forever and you will be alone. If God really freed me then I will fear no one and nothing. I will live every moment for every moment’s sake not for some dream, because I gave them all up when I met Jesus, so I won’t worry about them. By the way you guys really love to judge everyone…”good” girls, “nice” guys, “bad” guys. If you are a nice guy, and you want a christian girl but you don’t want to give up all to Jesus then do the following: Get a job that pays, own your own house and your own car and get involved in your church; the girls will be all over you!

  • Omar says:

    Another reason that most Christian men do not pursue the women and act on their desires is because when they seek help with attraction they are told to WAIT for the right person to come along.

    This is good advice, yet grossly incomplete. The reason they are asking is because they recognize that they could use some growth.

    When we tell them to “wait”, they are being told to NOT pursue women.

    It is true that we need to trust and wait on God, yet as a man, he must pursue the women he desires trusting and waiting on God WHILE he pursues them.

  • Ella says:

    Hi Jamie, thanks so much for the beautiful PRAYER, I appreciate it a lot!
    Honestly, I’m having a tough time these days…but I choose not to get sad, aside from my “love life”, I’m also having difficulties with my father…
    God bless us all! and I just wanna thank our Father God for all His mercy and grace.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Thabang, I am sorry that we can’t post your email address here. You have a couple of options: 1) you can share some of your issues here and perhaps someone my have some ideas for you; 2) you can connect with one of our online mentors who you can talk with to find some possible options. You can find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor.

  • thabang motloung says:

    im having trouble with ladies if anyone can help plz contact me if u have the biggest advice [it is the policy of this site not to publish personal contact information]

  • love jesus says:

    Beautifully written. I love the part that says to start practicing having Jesus feel the void that so many women have in their hearts. There are more screwed up childhoods than good ones, so its really no surprise that there are so many bad boys who have a whole lot of broken women wanting love from them. The good thing about life, and the world, is that for every problem, there is a solution. The solution for every problem is God…I myself as a widowed christian, has clung to a bad boy on and off for a year now. We have amaising passion but I feel so guilty sleeping with him without a commitment. Sex is such a beautiful sacred thing that should be enjoyed by two people who are married..I don’t know why I’am so weak in this area, but I do know that their has to be a solution, and the solution that always seems to give me power when I get weak is Jesus Christ.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Heavenly Father, I thank You for helping Ella to be free from the destructiveness of this relationship. I pray Lord that You would heal her heart from the wounds that she has received from him and help her to develop a deeper love and dependence on You first and foremost. Lord we also pray for the man that You have planned for her. I pray that You would protect him from the things that would distract his heart from knowing You. Draw these two together in Your perfect timing and in Your perfect way. Amen.

    Thanks for sharing your story Ella!

  • Hugh says:

    The glamour and thrill of teh bad boy is like candy to kids. Its a rush that doesn’t last and most women do not realise that what they actually are is simply the next victim. The bad boy is a “User” and thinks only of himself. His low self esteem has resulted in a vaneer of anger and exhibitionism that tries to pass itself off as confidence. In short, teh bad boy is a weak man who charms, manipulates and eventually intimidates his partners. By the time most women wake up, these guys are already onto their next victim.

    You have been warned – Drama is not love.

  • Ella says:

    Well, I finally ended my two year relationship with a man that I could say has a poor character and attitude. I can relate to every word this blog says, it was like it’s talking about me. It takes courage and honesty to do it and you only need Jesus for you to be able to decide and trust Him completely with our love life. God knows best! God bless all!

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Suzana, I totally get your struggle. When you give yourself to someone in love it is very painful when they let you down and hurt you like that. When you are at a place like this it can be helpful to do some deep soul searching to figure out where you are at. Tell me, what is it that you love about him? What is it about him that makes you want to spend your life in relationship with him? Knowing what you do about him, how do you think he contributes to helping you become more than what you could by yourself (intellectually, emotionally, physically, relationally, spiritually)? What does he have to offer as a father to your future children?

    Some of these questions can be tough to answer. You need to be brutally honest with yourself and not be swayed by emotions alone. You are a smart girl and for your health, and the health of your future family you should make sure that this is the man you want to hitch your wagon to. It may be helpful to go through these questions with someone. You may have a trusted friend or a pastor or a counselor. You may even want to talk with one of our online mentors who can help be a sounding board for you. You can find our Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor. And as you answer these questions ask God to help you. He will help you answer these questions honestly and He will direct your decisions as you come up with the answers.

    Lord God, I pray for Suzana. She is hurting right now and confused about this relationship. I pray that You would help her to get some clarity and know what Your best is for her. Give her the courage to walk in Your path and trust in You for the strength to do so. Give her peace and comfort so that she is able to think clearly. In Jesus’ name, amen.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Suzana, I am so sorry to hear that your heart is breaking. I have no idea why he would wait 19 months to tell you that he doesn’t actually want to get married. If you want to marry and he doesn’t there isn’t a compromise on that. It’s kinda like having a baby – there’s no middle ground or halfway. Although I am sad to hear it, I am not surprised to hear that you’re having trouble eating, sleeping or working. You are in mourning. You are greiving for the life you thought you were going to have. The bad news is that it’s going to take time, the good news is that grief does change over time. It’s not always going to feel as awful as it does right now but this is going to hurt.

    There is a shred of kindness in what he has done although I’m sure it doesn’t feel that way right now. He has been honest with you, even though he knew that it would hurt you. He has given up the thing that he wanted most (living with you) in order to be honest with you. I think that means that he really does care about you, he just can’t marry you. Do not doubt that the love you have is real. The reality that you don’t have a future together doesn’t change that. You were not stupid, you did not create a fantasy in your head. You were (are) in love. The question is, what happens now?

    First things first: get some support. Do you have close friends you can talk to you? Family that can help you? You’re going to need some support. Second, you need to figure out where you’re going to live. If he’s already moved out are you able to keep the apartment on your own? Is the paperwork in your name? Is it in the budget? Having a place to stay will make everything easier. I know that moving is probably the last thing you want to do right now but you might find that staying there in the place with all your memories is very painful. A fresh start can be very healing. Third, are you able to take a few days off of work to give yourself some time to grieve? If so, do so. If you can’t, go to your manager and at least let them know that you are dealing with a family crisis. Let them know that you will do your very best to be professional and productive at work, but that things are messy for you right now.

    I wish I could tell you that he is coming back, but it sounds like he feels pretty sure of his decision. I’m not saying it’s impossible, I have not met him, I don’t know him or what he is thinking, but it sounds like he has been thinking about this for a long time and he’s pretty sure of what he wants. You also know what you want and you are at an impasse. I don’t know why he would propose to you if he doesn’t want to get married, but that’s a question for another day.

    When the heat of this has passed a little I would also encourage you to take a very good look at the kind of man he is. Ask you friends and family what they thought of him. From what you’ve said he sounds very controlling which, to be perfectly honest, scares me. You are not a little child who needs to be told what to do. You are a strong and accomplished woman. You’re a doctor for goodness sake! That takes brains and strength and perseverance and endurance. Those degrees don’t grown on trees. You worked for that, you worked HARD for that. You did it, and that’s an accomplishment that will always be yours. You’re a grown-up, you should be able to go out of state or out of the country when you want to. In a healthy relationship both partners work to help the other be the best possible version of themselves. They are are there to support you in your weaknesses and celebrate your strengths. A good partner expands your horizons, they make your world bigger not smaller.

    I wish that I could make this all go away, but I can’t. If you’d like to talk to someone about it privately we do offer email mentoring that can be very helpful. Just fill out the form here to request a mentor. Do you have a faith perspective at all? I don’t know if you believe in prayer, but I do so I will pray for you today that God would comfort you and bring you peace in the midst of chaos. I’ll ask him to help you grieve and that in time you will see a new dream for your future. There’s a verse in the Bible that says that God is so aware of our pain he gathers our tears in a vial. I’ve always loved the picture of that, of God so close he counts our tears. I pray that you will feel that closeness today and in the days ahead. I promise you it does get better.

  • chris says:

    Suzana i notice that you are having a problem with your finance i think the one you found was an idiot with no education and sounds like he destroyed your self esteem try and find an counsler or one of your friends to protect you from him and also call the police about this just in case for even more protection i would not recommend talking to him or seeing him anymore and also since you guys are doctors talk to the manager about this as well but try and find help the ones who will understand you and help you you with your situation

  • Suzana says:

    Hi. I have a problem my fiancé and I been engaged for 19 months we are both Doctors and we live together I found out few days ago does not believe in god and don’t want to get married he asked me if we can live together and be engaged for ever I got really mad start to cry I’ve been very good to him in every way u can think of I put his needs first before mine and he Is very controlling man I can never go see my friends or go anywhere not even Travle out of state or out of country for any seminars or any class that really made me sad but I love him very much I don’t know what to do he left the house yesterday said he’s going to live a lone and he said I never want to marry anyone at all. It’s tearing me apart I can’t sleep I can’t go to work I can’t eat .

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  • Bernard Bernard says:

    I was going to ask what do you mean by “weeding” and “immature shallow chicks”? I think I will refrain from that

  • Star Rebel says:

    Bad Boys are great for weeding out all the immature shallow chicks. Thanks!

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    I don’t know j, why do you think good guys date bad girls?

  • eshwar says:

    wow… dis is gooodddddddddddd…

  • j says:

    Why do good guys date bad girls ?

  • Bernard Bernard says:

    Hey John that is very good. That’s what I would do…it’s safer for now and Jesus is your best Friend believe me. With Him you will never be disappointed. There are some nice and I would say a lot of nice Christian girls out there but it is the right one for you that has to come along and that only God can do. Just trust Him and relax in Him and things will happen in His time and it will be just right. It happened to me and 23 years ago I got married and I am happy. God is good and He knows what is good for us. It is just amazing how He does it. Follow Jesus and be excited about Him. Do everything you think He might want you to do and you will see. Pray and trust! Have you heard that song: “Trust and obey for there is no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey…”True song, you can sing it if you want and know it. God bless you John

  • John says:

    I thought I was a nice guy, but I was just insecure, lonely & an underachiever. It’s amazing that any smart, Christian, successful women went out with me. Some actually pursued me, because I didn’t have the confidence or hunting skills. The truth is most young Christian men & women are either dating & having sex or they are wishing they weren’t so shy. If they do date they also have sex or wish they could. That’s a very weak & carnal Christianity to have. The “character” they seek is money, power & sex appeal in the man. For the man it’s the body, intelligence & enough Christian belief so she doesn’t cheat on him. Woman chased me, because they were a little over weight, plain in the face or were trying to punish an ex-boyfriend. I was available, I was always available, so they could use me & dump me easily, without getting too attached. I was too serious, too religious, I was too self sacrificing & too needy.One day I woke up. Jesus won’t use me, reject me or leave me. I’m sticking with him. I’m not ready or maybe not capable to have a relationship & that’s okay.
    Jesus & me will carry the cross together.

  • Bernard Bernard says:

    Well Peter,
    First thing comes to my mind is that your commitment is with your present girlfriend and she is a Christian. As you are Christian you might have feelings for other women but they must be kept under control. You have to stay committed to one relationship and remain faithful to her. I see dating as a test before marriage. If you can remain faithful in dating you might have better chances to stay faithful in marriage as well. But that is my view on this now you have to decide what is right but not what FEELS good. Jesus loves you too brother. Have a good day. If you would like you can always contact a mentor privately

  • Peter says:

    What a touch heart when reading this message! Having Christ in us are very very great life! I also love the people who are my brothers and sisters in Christ. But I have a problem..I have a girlfriend who believes in Jesus.We had been dating for 3 years.But suddenly my ex 1st girlfriend came before me..I don’t know what to do..I have a feeling for her.I think I should tell her about Jesus but when we meeting,we feel like want to get back each other although I have a girlfriend and she hasn’t a boyfriend or hubsand..My friend told me that she is still waiting for me..I really so confused! Any advice for me? Thanks and Jesus always love you,my loving brother and sister!

  • I
    t is important to note that they first got to know each other Spiritually, then intellectually & socially, and then emotionally, and after the wedding, physically. How sad, that in today’s world that sequence of often reversed!
    I want to conclude by saying that God has a plan for each life, and we do well to thank Him in advance for leading us to find the partner that is in His plan for us!

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