Why Do Good Girls Date Bad Boys?
Cindy was smitten with her new boyfriend, Evan. They met at church, and he possessed many of the qualities that she had dreamed of in a man—except for his reputation of being the “life of the party.” Evan liked to visit a local sports bar and relax with his old college buddies. Cindy didn’t mind him hanging out with his friends. However, Evan occasionally went overboard and wound up intoxicated.
Whenever Cindy brought up the subject of his drinking, Evan agreed with her concerns, promised to quit, and told her not to worry about it. Yet, instead of distancing herself from Evan, Cindy dove deeper into their relationship, hoping that her affection might give him the incentive to change. She envisioned that she could help Evan mature into a better man. As they dated, she prayed for his improvement, gave him motivational tapes, and urged him to think of God and their future when faced with the temptation to drink.
Evan appreciated Cindy’s support, and after ten months of dating, he asked her to marry him. He still had occasional setbacks with alcohol, but they were less frequent than before. Cindy joyfully concluded that her influence was effective and her love would change him forever.
Soon after their engagement, however, Evan’s real estate business began to falter. Under stress, he started to work longer hours, and stopped by the sports bar on his way home. He swore to Cindy that he was just talking with his friends. Until one night, she received a call from the police. Evan was arrested for drunk driving. Cindy was devastated by his relapse. She thought Evan would change for her. Instead, his unresolved habits resurfaced and shattered her heart.
Cindy’s story represents a common occurrence among Christian single women of all ages. The problem happens when sincere Christian women ignore the nice Christian guys and pursue relationships with men known as “bad boys.” Worse, some ladies find themselves unable to break free from an attraction to men of ill repute. Since this situation is more widespread than many realize, let’s examine why this phenomenon occurs. First, how do you define a “bad boy.”
A bad boy is a man who seems outwardly attractive, but is unwilling to offer sacrificial love in a relationship. He is too immature and preoccupied with himself to share genuine compassion, concern, or acceptance. A bad boy lacks character and might exhibit the following behavior: lying, aloofness, irresponsible dreaming, fear of commitment, sexual promiscuity, addiction to substances or pornography, selfishness, hunger for power, disinterest in surrendering to God, etc.
In addition, a bad boy is not interested in true love, because real love requires consistent sacrifice. A bad boy will only sacrifice for someone if it’s convenient for him or if he gets something in return. He expects the woman to do most of the giving, while he ignores her needs or takes advantage of her. Yet, why do some Christian women find themselves attracted to bad boys?
Three key beliefs can contribute to this problem:
Reason #1 – He can be fixed.
Just like Cindy believed that she could change Evan, some women allow their “nurturing instinct” to affect whom they choose to date. In other words, a nice girl may view a bad boy as a “project” or someone whom she can help “fix.” This incident occurs when a woman acknowledges that her boyfriend has character flaws, yet believes she can help him mature or overcome his problems. Helping a man to “grow up” can play into a woman’s sense of significance.
Also, if a woman was abused or ignored by her father, she may not know how to identify character or real love. Worse, she may subconsciously think that her past pain can be erased by marrying a bad boy and making everything work out right.
The fallacy of this belief is that it’s impossible to make a man improve his character. He may fake integrity over the short-term, but a man will only mature when he makes the decision himself. All too often, a woman reasons that a bad boy’s character flaws will not harm her. She believes that she is insulated from the consequences of his dishonesty, addictions, or immaturity. Sadly, the girlfriend is usually the person who winds up suffering the most hurt. She hangs onto the relationship thinking her sacrifice will encourage him to improve. Months later, his abusive behavior destroys her self-esteem and drains the life out of her.
Reason #2 – He pursued me.
Bad boys tend to be more assertive than nice guys when it comes to initiating a dating relationship. Since most women want a man to pursue them, this aggressive approach can feel appealing. In addition, a bad boy may seem driven to make something out of himself. Women usually prefer a man who seems to have purpose in life. For example, some single Christian women complain that “Christian men are too passive or non-adventurous.” In other words, “nice guys” wait too long to initiate relationships or don’t seem to be going anywhere in life.
This criticism is a valid issue that Christian men should consider. For instance, do you know men who are too scared of rejection to ask a woman for a date? Are they too nervous to follow their dreams or the desires that God has placed in their heart? In his book, Wild at Heart, John Eldridge says, “When all is said and done, I think most men in the church believe that God put them on earth to be a good boy…That’s what we hold up as models of Christian maturity: Really Nice Guys. The answer is simply this: We have not invited a man to live from his deep heart.” One lesson that nice guys can learn from bad boys is to follow those inner desires that make them come alive.
Good girls date bad boys, however, when they lower their standards and accept any assertive invitation that they receive. Remember, you cannot spin gold from a pile of straw. Dating a guy with poor character, even if he pursues you, will still equal a poor relationship.
Ladies, this does not mean that you should date a man who is boring. On the contrary, date a guy who captivates you. However, take the time to discern that man’s character before you give him your heart.
Reason #3 – He’s so exciting.
Our society glamorizes the bad boy attitude–just look at who we consider the most popular singers and actors (Eminem, P. Diddy, Ashton Kutcher, Jack Nicholson, etc.). Bad boys draw attention to themselves, and their popularity or playful personality can be very attractive. The notoriety of dating a bad boy can touch a woman’s need for acceptance and significance. What some women don’t realize, however, is that their personal reputation can be tarnished by associating with a notorious person. If people don’t respect your boyfriend, they will have a hard time respecting you.
Bad boys may be fun, but the party never lasts. Vain pleasure always wears off over time. Thus, good girls beware. A bad boy may shower you with compliments, attention, and excitement, but the moment you cease to keep him happy–he will lose interest in you. Soon, he’s off looking for another woman to indulge his selfish heart.
Break the bad boy cycle
How can a “good girl” avoid dating a bad boy? The key lies in understanding your identity in Jesus Christ. Don’t define yourself by whether or not you have a boyfriend, because Jesus is the only Person who offers the unconditional acceptance that your heart craves. Your true identity is a beautiful, celebrated, daughter of God (Isaiah 62:3-4).
On the other hand, the affection of a bad boy is always performance-based. Jesus, however, sacrificed His life to love you without expecting anything in return. Your desire to feel cherished and complete can only be met by Christ (Colossians 2:10). If you do not learn to get your need for love met in Him, then your heart can be vulnerable to a bad boy’s charisma.
In addition, human relationships only experience intimacy when both parties sacrifice for each other. By definition, a bad boy is unwilling to offer you sacrificial love. So don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are immune to his lack of integrity. You must be willing to walk away from a man who is unwilling to sacrifice for your needs.
Also, don’t attempt to fix a bad boy’s character flaws. Only Jesus Christ can change a man, and it generally takes years to see real improvement. Change is possible, but a man must be willing to surrender himself to God and take action. First John 4:19 says, “We love, because He first loved us.” This verse reveals that a man’s ability to love a woman is only found in the life that Jesus offers to live through him. A real man knows that he can do nothing apart from Christ (John 15:5). Therefore, ladies, reserve your heart for a guy who will rely upon Christ to love you.
Bad boys may be more common than men with character, but waiting for a man with integrity is worth it. So kiss the bad boys goodbye, and say hello to true love in Christ!
I’m wondering what the date is that this article was written. I’m refering to it in a research project. Thanks. :-)
im a guy and if i m a good guy but im considered a bad boy. i think your pretty much misinformed and dont know what your talking about. at least a bad boy is willing to serender too god in the first place and a lot of bad boys go on to pastor large churches and large organisations. girls if you wana marry a wineer dont buy this article its written by a women that has no idea off men and probably has life of secret sin herself. good luck girls
To Adam…
I suggest you do more research. Your response sounds more like you are making excuses so your girl will stay with you. I pray her family and friends help her to stand firm.
I know because both of my daughters have been there. One finally saw the truth and is now happily married once she realized how immature he was. I am also very pleased to say that the ‘bad boy’ changed his life after many years and is now doing ver well. My younger daughter is now in the same place and I will continue to be honest and truthful with her and my prayer is that she will see the truth soon.
Realize that the ‘bad boys’ are not our enemy just souls who Satan is using. My sincere prayer is that you will totally commit to God and start the journey to changing your life forever.
Walk in God’s will not your own…it will make a vast difference in the path you are on.
So first of all i noticed my email wasnt posted on on here so here it is for anyone who would like to talk Including the publisher of this article Martinn1017@yahoo.com.
I am 18 yrs old been in and out of juvi on and off probation or parole. I finally got completly off june 11th. just a little background. I am a bad boy. My girlfirend is a good girl a lady and the tramp sort of thing we have going on. Now you say bad boy are incapable of being good lovers pretty much. This is not true by any means. It is not only Jesus Christ who can change a bad boy. Everyone I dont care who you are can change with out the help of any outside source. You have to realize alot of us “Bad Boys” as you put it. Have been through more stuff in our lives at very young ages than most of you, “good” people could deal with. If you guys ever had to deal with half of what ive been through you would go insane. Our pasts and the things that we had no control over have a strong influence over our beleifs and actions. You people choose not to look at that side though. Chritians in general are overly judgemental they see what we are on the outside and judge before they have any clue of who we are, what we have been through, or our personalities. Most of us “Bad Boys” are more intuned with our emotions and ourselves than anyone else. Some of us are the nicest people you will meet. But you dont give us the chance to show you who we are. You see how we dress, how we present or carry ourselves, the music we listen to, and judge us. And ive noticed it is chritians that do it more than anybody. None of you are open minded. You are very close minded toward what you beleive to be wrong. Now i know where you will go with this. Turn to god blah blah blah. I used to be a very devout christian. Until I started noticing how you people truly are. I am not gonna be like that. Yes I beleive in god all that fun stuff. No i do not go to church no i do not associate with people that go to church or are highly devout because that whole group of people are stuck up and dont give a shit about other people outside of their Creed or their beleif of what is right.
I had a very destructive relationship with this bad guy about five years ago . He was two years younger than me, he’s good looking, tall, and talented. He was also a student journalist like me when we met. there was no formal courtship between us and what we had was a whirlwind romance. Three months we’re okay and the relationship was blissful especially for me…well, I thought I was a wall flower and it was a boon for someone like me to get noticed by someone like him…so I thought. But the magic worn off in the preceding months. He tormented me through verbal abuse, he tried to change my outfits, my make up, my hair cut, and almost everything about me. He thought at times I was ugly because I had full lips… he was always surrounded by younger and prettier women. And to my misery these women always try to pursue him, seduce him, touch him in front of me…and one time caught him with his so-called female best friend after their movie date. While there was I, thinking he attended a rehearsal for a dance to be presented in his physical education class…I was fooled. That was truly devastating for me. my self esteem crumbled, I was so insecure…he always tell me how possessive and jealous I have become, that I am a people-pleaser.well, I became one. He literally never greeted me during my birthday and never showed up because he was mad at me. Instead he told me, we’re better off as friends and later, popped the statement he wanted out because he no longer love me. I begged off not win him back I was tired of hurting I just to know what happened, I was literally on my feet because Iwanted to know why. But just like that he dumped, just like that, that easy. My heart, my soul, and my spirit were all crushed that I wanted to die.
However, studies and career wise, the break up proved beneficial on my part . Everything went by smoothly in these two aspects.But when night time comes and I’m left with myself struggling and dying inside. I started to rebel to be bitter,I became a player myself and worse had two sexual relations with two guys…that was five years of confusion, grief,and hopelessness. Until another inopportune event came, the death of f my best friend. It had been God’s wake up call to me because my best friend committed suicide because of her “bad boy” ex boyfriend. That guy pushed her to kill herself, asked her to literally hang herself to prove how much she loves him (she was then on the verge of an emotional and mental breakdown and did it). I was grief stricken, what happened lead me to see through my self destruction and what I have done these past few years. I realized I don’t have to reach that point no matter how distressed and depressed I was. It was in a way an eye opener too that I still have the chance to get my self together. I left who I was playing fire with at that time and tried to see thing through, salvage whatever hope I had at my disposal to make up for what I did to myself…gradually I started to pray again and attend church as often as I can.I sought professional help to therapist friends too.I took my job seriously and learned to love it. I enrolled at my Alma mater and pursued a graduate school course. and now,in a year, am about to embark on my thesis and finish soon.I wrote articles, poetry,sketched pictures again. I contacted my old friends whom I forgot throughout my ordeal and my depression.I apologized to people I hurt, reconnect with my family especially my mom and made peace with myself. I know that I can’t reverse what I did to my life, and there are times I slip…there are also setbacks towards my desire for change but I continue to fight to achieve it. life must go on, all I can do is to treat my self better, the ones I love, and other people.I try to live the life and the things that which my friend missed and won’t be able to do anymore. Icondition my mind and my heart that there is always something to look forward to everyday, something that would make life worthwhile and happy. I’m still single as of now, I met him (the bad guy) recently, and he said sorry. it’s okay though, but I won’t run after him anymore because I am now aware that Iam not anybody’s doormat, not his rag. Love might just be there waiting in the wings and I believe I am fated by God to be with man who would love me for me. He just haven’t come yet but I’m willing to wait.
I had a very destructive relationship with this bad guy about five years ago . He was two years younger than me, he’s good looking, tall, and talented. He was also a student journalist like me when we met. There was no formal courtship between us and what we had was a whirlwind romance. Three months we’re okay and the relationship was blissful especially for me…well, I thought I was a wall flower and it was a boon for someone like me to get noticed by someone like him…so I thought. But the magic worn off in the preceding months. He tormented me through verbal abuse, he tried to change my outfits, my make up, my hair cut, and almost everything about me. He thought at times I was ugly because I had full lips… he was always surrounded by younger and prettier women. And to my misery these women always try to pursue him, seduce him, touch him in front of me…and one time caught him with his so-called female best friend after their movie date. While there was I, thinking he attended a rehearsal for a dance to be presented in his physical education class…I was fooled. That was truly devastating for me. My self esteem crumbled, I was so insecure…he always tell me how possessive and jealous I have become, that I am a people-pleaser.well, I became one. He literally never greeted me during my birthday and never showed up because he was mad at me. Instead he told me, we’re better off as friends and later, popped the statement he wanted out because he no longer love me. I begged off not win him back I was tired of hurting I just want to know what happened, I was literally on my feet because I wanted to know why. But just like that he dumped, just like that, that easy. My heart, my soul, and my spirit were all crushed that I wanted to die.
However, studies and career wise, the break up proved beneficial on my part . Everything went by smoothly in these two aspects.But when night time comes and I’m left with myself struggling and dying inside. I started to rebel to be bitter,I became a player myself and worse had two sexual relations with two guys…that was five years of confusion, grief,and hopelessness. Until another inopportune event came, the death of my best friend. It had been God’s wake up call to me because my best friend committed suicide because of her “bad boy” ex boyfriend. That guy pushed her to kill herself, asked her to literally hang herself to prove how much she loves him (she was then on the verge of an emotional and mental breakdown and did it). I was grief stricken, what happened lead me to learn about my self destruction and what I have done these past few years. I realized I don’t have to reach that point no matter how distressed and depressed I was. It was in a way an eye opener too that I still have the chance to get my self together. I left who I was “playing fire” with at that time and tried to see thing through, salvage whatever hope I had at my disposal to make up for what I did to myself…gradually I started to pray again and attend church as often as I can.I sought professional help to therapist friends too.I took my job seriously and learned to love it. I enrolled at my Alma mater and pursued a graduate school course. and now,in a year, am about to embark on my thesis and finish soon.I wrote articles, poetry,sketched pictures again. I contacted my old friends whom I forgot throughout my ordeal and my depression.I apologized to people I hurt, reconnect with my family especially my mom and made peace with myself. I know that I can’t reverse what I did to my life, and there are times I slip…there are also setbacks towards my desire for change but I continue to fight to achieve it. life must go on, all I can do is to treat my self better, the ones I love, and other people.I try to live the life and the things that which my friend missed and won’t be able to do anymore. I condition my mind and my heart that there is always something to look forward to everyday, something that would make life worthwhile and happy. I’m still single as of now, I met him (the bad guy) recently, and he said sorry and he still has feelings for me. It’s okay though, but I won’t run after him anymore because I am now aware that I am not anybody’s doormat, not his rag. Love might just be there waiting in the wings and I believe I am fated by God to be with a man who would love me for me. He just haven’t come yet but I’m willing to wait.
37 yo guy here- I’ve lived all over the US- from LA to po-dunk Columbia, SC.
The less a woman has had to work for her lifestyle, the more she is likely to fall for a ‘bad boy’ Parents wanting the best for their little princess spoil the crap out of her and buy her all these fancy toys.
When it comes to dating, having this artificial view of what it takes to sustain her lifestyle, she chooses the bad boy for the reasons the author states. Different/ exciting/ etc etc.
On the other hand, take a woman- don’t spoil her, make her work for what she has, be a good parent and instill family values and the rest will fall into place.
She will see right through the bad boy mystique…
This is why intellectual us born non-bad boy types often have foreign wives. Less attitude and better looking.
Sorry, argue as you may but latin america takes the ms universe title just about every time I’ve ever bothered to look…
girls is mad and boys is good because iam boy and i trust on boys not on girls.i know boys is bad but i trust on boys
One of my mates openly told me that he’s the kind of guy that girls sneak out of their homes to see and Im the kind of guy that girls can carry home to their parents…Fine..Im what you might term as a nice guy…Im always a gentleman, very well spoken etc…When it comes to the ladies however…I have no luck.I try and it just doesn’t work..I think my problem is that of confidence and my general approaching of women is shocking…I usually choke when I want to express my feelings..soo much so that girls faster become my friends and if I do find the courage to express myself…they tell me that they don’t see me that way..or they dont want to affect our friendship etc…My mate on the other hand gets girls very easily..it like he knows exactly what to tell them…There was this one girl I really liked..she had a boyfriend that literally treated her horribly…he’d cheat on her in broad daylight( a lot of girls were always all over him)..he’d hit her a lot leaving scars all over her and on top of all that..she’d always say that she loves him and all that…I don’t kno why or how…all I kno is that she now has a child for him and he is nowhere to be found!!!As for my mate..he changes women like underwear…..Im utterly despise the way good girls fall for these type of guys….I can’t find it in myself to treat women badly..or use them..however as much as I despise the way these ‘bad guys’ treat good girls I do sometimes wish I had as much luck with women as they do…there is an absolutey beautiful Irish woman I know..She told me that when she was younger she had no taste in good guys..she’d always chase them away..Now she has like 4 kids for different men and told me that she wishes she got with a good guy to begin with….
Thx for everyones advice, i am currently trying to end one of these bad boy good girl relationships which has been terribly difficult for me. I love the guy and feel more like a mom to him than a girlfriend. He has told me all his problems and confided in me many times. I feel like by breaking up i am going against Gds will and wont be helping my boy. Ive been told not to bring myself down by helping others. But like mosr things its easier said then done. I appriciate this article.. If anyone has more advice for me that wld be great…9
Sarah:
Get out. Get out. Get out. Rely on your friends, family, therapist, self-help books, whatever it takes. End the relationship. Don’t worry, it won’t be long before the man-boy finds someone else to mother him. Find your own strength, establish yourself as an independent woman who appreciates but does not NEED a relationship to feel like a whole person. Hold out for a relationship with a man who lives and behaves as a grown adult man should, and then, as a mature adult couple, you can have children who actually need you as a mother. THAT is God’s will. Just imagine yourself having babies with the man-boy – you would have to continue to be a mother to him along with your babies, and everyone would suffer for it, especially you. Let him go. For your sake, and the sake of your future children.