Emotional Abandonment: Shut out by your spouse

Written by Dr. Dave Currie and Glen Hoos

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It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:“I feel distant from my spouse.” “I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.” “My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.” “I don’t know if I love him anymore.”

What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.

How does a marriage reach this point? Sometimes it’s a slow slide into complacency, and other times it’s a little more sudden. Realize that if it’s a sudden abandonment, there likely is some precipitating event or incident between the two of you that needs to be resolved. On the other hand, if the deterioration has been more gradual, there are probably a lot of little things that have gone unresolved and are taking their toll on the relationship.

Here are some of the specific, primary causes of emotional distance between mates:

  1. Unforgiveness. Emotional abandonment is unforgiveness taken to its extreme conclusion. When we feel that our spouse has hurt us and we refuse to forgive them, we look for ways to protect ourselves from being hurt again in the future. Closing off our heart from the other person is an easy way to do this, but it has deadly consequences. Unforgiveness always leads to isolation. Overcoming unforgiveness requires a willingness to humble ourselves and seek forgiveness when we have hurt our spouse, and it also requires that we be willing to graciously extend forgiveness when our spouse has hurt us. This forgiveness step is based on a desire to re-unite.
  2. Callous treatment. When I am careless in how I treat my spouse, it gets old really quickly. Whether it’s discourteousness, unkindness, or something worse, it creates hurt that may start out small, but can grow into deep wounds as it festers over time. To avoid this, each partner needs to look at their own behaviour regularly and consider whether they are treating their spouse well. A mate, above all people, needs to be treated with gentleness and respect. Remember, your spouse is a gift to you, and they deserve to be treated as something precious.
  3. Lack of effort. Sometimes the problem is a little less obvious than unforgiveness or harsh treatment. It is easy, especially for men, to just assume that the relationship is going along just fine, and so we don’t put in as much effort as we once did. We start to take our spouse for granted, leading them to think that they are not important in our lives. When the marriage slips from being one of the top priorities in the heart of one or both spouses, the other person feels abandoned. This causes them to feel unwanted and then to withdraw into their own world.
  4. Lack of time. Many of us simply try to pack too much into a day. Ruled by the urgent, we fail to make time for the truly important: things like romancing, talking about issues and really developing a friendship with our spouse. We stay constantly busy, erasing quality “couple times” from our schedules. A marriage relationship cannot thrive if our contact with one another is limited to a quick bite of supper or a brief chat before bed. A good marriage requires weekly face-to-face time – both talk and fun.
  5. Fear of talking through issues. Emotional detachment does not just happen out of the blue; there is always something behind it. If one or both of the spouses has an inability or fear of talking through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of disconnect will be the likely result. Usually both know there is something wrong, but they are hesitant to bring it up because they fear their spouse’s reaction. Or perhaps they feel like they’ve been through this before and it hasn’t helped, so why bother? In these cases, there needs to be a clear second look at what it means to resolve conflict in a marriage – how to have a “good fight,” as it were, that really bring things to resolution. Without these skills, and a real courage to step up and deal with problems, the emotional distance will just continue to grow.
  6. Living in denial. A lot of times, when things have started to go a bit sideways in the relationship, we don’t want to admit that it’s happening. Often the person truly needing to make some significant changes is most content to deny the existence of any real issues. We kind of live in denial, as if it’s not really happening, or it’s not that bad, or things will get better in time. But living in denial doesn’t fix things; it only causes the marriage to deteriorate to the point where the couple just does not feel close anymore.

Working through emotional distance

The first step to dealing with emotional abandonment is to identify the root cause and to begin to deal with it. Don’t settle for living in isolation. Ask God for more in your marriage and then trust Him as you faithfully try to make changes. Here are some suggestions for re-establishing a loving connection with your spouse:

  1. Agree to talk. At some point you have to agree to talk about the problems that exist between you. If you’re going to resolve issues, there needs to be a mutual commitment to listen to the other person’s concerns and to work towards improving the situation. Don’t corner your spouse with an unexpected lecture, but set a time and agree to start to work through your issues.
  2. Be prepared. Before you have the talk, take the time separately to think through the unresolved issues that you’ll be discussing. What are your concerns in the relationship? In what areas do you feel you need to improve? What are your expectations of your spouse? To put your thoughts down on paper may be best, but either way, be prepared to be open and honest with each other about the real issues between you. Be sure to take the time to really listen to what your spouse is saying. Give each other uninterrupted time to share your view on things.
  3. Be direct but gentle. Neither of you has anything to gain by holding back your true feelings. Remember: unresolved issues lie at the heart of emotional detachment. So lay all your cards out on the table by sharing your hurts clearly. Don’t allow things to get out of hand. Be committed to talk through things sensibly. Take breaks to cool it if necessary but agree to continue. Ask each other the tough questions, and talk through the difficult issues that have been eating away at your relationship. Regardless of which partner initiated the wrong, you both need to work at resolving the problem.
  4. Begin to meet unmet needs. Often a person pulls back from the relationship because, in their mind, their needs are not being met. A healthy marriage demands that both partners actively work to discern the needs of their spouse, and work to meet those needs. Seek to understand your spouse’s needs and ask yourself how you can start to better express love by meeting these needs. Make your spouse and sorting things out your new priority.
  5. Deal with your own stuff. If I am feeling abandoned by my spouse, I need to ask myself a tough question: What have I done to drive my spouse away? Now it may not be only your responsibility. Nevertheless, you have to find out what you are responsible for and take ownership for your actions. Really listen to your spouse. Of course, there are things that your mate needs to deal with, and they may be withdrawing from you for selfish reasons, but that can’t stop you from taking the steps that you know you need to take. Both parties must be prepared to make apologies and extend forgiveness as part of your recovery from the emotional detachment.
  6. Intentionally re-engage. If you are to re-establish your emotional connection, it won’t happen by accident and it won’t happen overnight. You need to agree to make your relationship a priority and spend some quality time together. Plan a few dates and put each other in your schedules. It’s time to re-enter one another’s lives again.
  7. Act kindly. This may not be a revolutionary new idea, but it can have that kind of an effect on your marriage. You must act kindly toward your spouse. Small gestures of warmth, acts of kindness, and efforts to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way toward renewing your bond with one another. Do this from the heart with real commitment to make the necessary changes.
  8. Love unconditionally. Somebody has to break out of the negative cycle of eye-for an eye, poor treatment for poor treatment. You need to step out of the insult-for-insult cycle and respond differently. You cannot control your spouse’s behaviour, but you can control your own. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must choose to treat them with love. This is not easy to do when your partner is not reciprocating, but it is what you vowed to do when you promised to love each other “for better or for worse.” And nothing breaks down emotional barriers like unconditional love.
  9. Allow God to work. I’m going to challenge you to ask God to change you. God wants your best and He’ll always be ready to take full responsibility for any life that is totally surrendered to Him. That also includes re-engaging with your spouse and getting attached in love again. God wants that and He will guide you in that, if you’ll allow Him to.

We’ve all got issues to work through in our relationships. Whether your problems stem from bitterness, unforgiveness, dishonesty, lack of kindness, unfaithfulness, or something else, God offers you His power to enable you to live in a way that honors Him. There’s no doubt in my mind that God wants your marriage to work and that you desire to have warmth and a close connection with your spouse. That’s His design. Let’s go after it.

Elma felt completely alone in her marriage. Read how she survived.

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249 Responses to “Emotional Abandonment: Shut out by your spouse”

  • Mary says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. We’ve known each other for a very long time. I was in a relationship for ten years before eventually it broke down. I took time out to find myself and gather strength within myself again. Jon and I started off as good friends and found ourselves having strong feelings for each other. We decided to take our friendship to the next level and starting dating. Everything was awesome, we got along well, we were close, we were best friends, most of all, we were happy. I am 30, hes 34. Lately, our relationship has been quite rocky. We’ve broken up about 5 times just this year alone. He just walks out and leaves for days, weeks up to a month. We’ve got into it over something childish two weeks ago. I am very hurt and tried to talk to him through texting, phoning. Finally I just gave up. I don’t know where to go from here. I love him so much with all of my heart. Although he is not the father of my kids, he took them as his own. He has no children of his own and I am his first serious relationship. It hurts me we are going through something like this. I wish he would just call or text or something. My heart is shattered. Please pray for us. He is not the type to open up his feelings, he tends to bottle them up a lot. I, on the other hand, am open with how I feel and what I think. He works away from home and was supposed to be home last Tuesday but decided to stay in NFLD. I was shattered. I do hope everything works out for us. I care about us and him very much.

  • JP says:

    i am 30 and my wife is 24 now and we have been married for 2 years and we have a 9 months old son.we live in a country where sex before marriage is totally not accepted.

    we met 4.5 years ago and started dating.like any other couples we flirted,we kissed and even some physical action.three months later while hiking in the woods we got physical and i accidentally made her lose her virginity with my finger.we never planned this to happen.i was totally scared and didn’t know what to do.she was like “its OK don’t worry don’t let this affect our relation even if things don’t work out don’t let it affect your decision if you are not happy with me” she said this every time i tried to talk to her about what happened and what she wants me to do.

    after that everything was great and we got engaged for a year before marriage.since we got married we had ups and downs like any other married couple and she always says that i don’t talk much when i come home from work and don’t take care of her so much.and yes i am not a talkative person and over simplify things and maybe take her for granted.

    two weeks ago she came to me crying and told me that she was not happy anymore because she tried to fix things so many times and every time she talks to me i get better and things get great for 2 months and then i get back to the way i was before.

    she said she pretended to be so strong all the time even when she lost her virginity and she said she only married me for that reason because she was young and afraid if her parents found out and didn’t know what else to do.and she never told me that before because she didn’t want to hurt me but she couldn’t anymore.

    since we met she always told me that she doesn’t believe in love and she believes in actions and happiness.things were great and she was so happy to be with me and i treated her right and she even said that in a certain period i made her love me because of the way i treated her and now she doesn’t want to give affection and doesn’t want affection in return anymore.she will keep taking care of the house and me and cook for me and take care of our son and everything else just like before but of course no sexual or emotional life and our son will be her only interest and she wants me not to ask for anything more than that.and she is still my wife only because it was a decision she took.

    i am so deeply in love with her and would do anything to fix our marriage but she said that i cant fix anything anymore.and she doesn’t want me to fix anything because i will get back to the same way we are now and she will get hurt again.now she stopped talking to me the way we did before unless it was something about our son and she says that she doesn’t want me to get her involved in anything concerning my own life.

    please help me with some advice what should i do?

  • Asia says:


    I feel very alone with my spouse. We have combated homelessness during my pregnancy and I stood beside him during his drug addiction. His drug addiction brought us down and we both came to the conclusion that he needed to get away from his friends and move to California. I thought in California, we would get assistance from his parents and he could stay out of trouble. He came from a very broken home, his parents were distant, father was abusive and both were addicted to drugs most of his life. He has so much resentment towards them but when we came here it got worse because he felt like he was reliving everything. Unfortunately, he started taking his anger out on me. We both felt stuck in life but he became more emotionally cold and abusive towards me. It hurt me alot, I have been going through depression bad because of all of this. I feel stuck in my life and I cannot stick by his side anymore. He changes sometimes but his anger is a big problem. Sometimes he snaps on me for little things and when I cry he belittles me for being too sensitive, walks away, tells me to shut up, tells me his ears hurt hearing me cry, how he can’t listen to me as I talk and cry. He feels bad and is a sweetheart from time to time but whenever he gets angry. I feel he doesn’t care about me. I try my best to respond with love but eventually I get angry. I don’t like to feel like someone’s punching bag (not in a literal sense but someone to take anger out on me on) He works hard from 2:30 to sometimes 3 Am and comes home to his mean-spirited parents. We hardly get to have time alone due to him working and his parents not wanting to watch the baby (the don’t like watching him AT ALL). It hurts because I love unconditionally and have been through alot with him so I don’t understand. He cries and wants to give up on life because he doesn’t know how to cope anymore. He claims it hurts him that he is pushing me away but he has been angry for a long time long before me. I just don’t know if I have the patience to keep dealing with it anymore. Is there anything I can do? Or should I go with my first mind and leave?

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Jules, those walls are so difficult to break down, once they are in place. That is what makes many couples throw up their hands and decide that divorce is the only way. But with Jesus, nothing is impossible. Whenever I come up against an insurmountable problem in my life I get such confidence from Jesus words “With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26) and Paul’s encouragement “I can do all things through Him [Jesus] who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13) That doesn’t mean it is easy, but it does help me refocus on what is important: I need to keep my focus on following Jesus and He will lead me into the thoughts, attitudes, words and actions that are best. When both of you have that focus, good things are going to happen.

    Let me pray for you: Jesus, thanks for the promise that You gave that all things are possible through You. Relationships are so hard to mend, and patterns of hurt are so hard to break out of. I pray that You would help Jules and her husband to look to You for help. Strengthen them to love each other with a sacrificial love. Draw them closer to You, reflecting Your character in their lives; a from that, let them find a deeper more intimate love for one another. Amen.

    I look forward to hearing back from you Jules. I will be praying for you and your husband. If you would prefer to have a more private conversation let me invite you to connect with one of our mentors. They are just everyday people who love Jesus and want to come alongside you as you seek to follow Him in the struggles and issues of life. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/ and one of our mentors will be in touch with you soon by email.

  • Jules says:

    I’ve had depression for about 20 plus years now. I have been on steady treatment for about 11. I know it has affected my husband, and he has stood by me through it, but it hasn’t been easy. He thinks he understands my depression, but he really doesn’t. In fact, most times, he says things or reacts in ways that completely make it worse (like starts yelling and telling me I’m lazy and that I have to ‘snap out of it’) I’ve tried to explain the aspects to him, given him articles to read on how spouses can cope, etc., but he does not take this information in. He is content and satisfied he knows all he needs to. This is the fundamental difference between us – I am always curious, inquisitive, unassuming and want to know more (I am a scientist); he is somewhat closed to that way of thinking and in his view I am “book smart” or “complicating things”. I know he deep down has insecurities but he has never let me in (part of his denial I guess). At any rate, I realize what he has gone through with me, and do appreciate the effort he has made. However, by now, I know that have cumulated resentment and am very stubborn about this. I loved your quote from Jesus. I have tried long and hard to figure out what makes my husband act like this. I have read endlessly and attended therapy. However, as the quote suggests, perhaps I have not tried hard enough yet to make a breakthrough. Certainly now I have built a pretty concrete wall that is not giving in to anything positive. So maybe it is time to completely open up again. Every time I have done so in the past I have been repeatedly hurt – and it hurts worse every time, so it will be difficult but it’s definitely worth trying – better than the status quo for sure! We are both Christian, Catholic in fact, but he does not practice anymore. I attend myself or with the kids when I can, but even that feels detached because he is not with us. I know I tend to look at the negative often and then get myself whirling down into that black hole. So I am going to try to keep that it mind, and completely walk in his shoes. I will let you know how it turns out…probably will have more questions shortly….Thank you for the support and inspiration.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Jules, I am so sorry to hear that you feel alone in your marriage. That is not the way it is supposed to be, but unfortunately, is a reality for so many people. There can be many different reasons why a marriage will spiral into this kind of loveless existence, but you know that neither partner actually wants it that way. I am sure your husband never thought that he would have this kind of marriage, and dreamed of a much different reality then what you guys are experiencing now. And yet, something has got the two of you trapped in this pattern of relating to each other, and it is going to take some significant transformation to break out into a love that is healthy and nurturing. One of the things that will help you is to try and understand what are some of the experiences that have made your husband prone to that kind of detachment in your marriage. Putting yourself in his shoes to better understand why he does what he does is an important part of love. Jesus said, “There is no greater love than laying your life down for a friend” and when you care enough to put aside your way of thinking and feeling in order to understand how someone you love thinks and feels, it is part of that ‘laying your life down for a friend.’

    How long have you been seeing the symptoms of clinical depression in your life? How long ago was that diagnosed and treatment prescribed? How do you think that has impacted your husband?

  • Jules says:

    I just found this site, and am very glad I did. I don’t know where to turn and trust very few, so I hope to find some solace here. My husband and I have been married almost 21 years and have been on/off through the entire time, but we have never officially separated. We have 2 children (16 and 13)and both have good jobs. Our relationship has never really felt very strong, and for much of it I have felt emotionally abandoned. He has always been very “busy” but I have begun to resent him for specifically choosing to be busy with other things instead of noticing or wanting to spend time with me. We have discussed this many, many times and I have made it completely clear how alone I feel. He rarely touches me and we hardly ever make love (he has issues in that department too and I have tried to be very understanding, but I don’t think its normal to go through all of life with one person and no sex). There are other ways to show love, but he is not willing to even explore anything else. He just does not seem interested in that. I have told him repeatedly how I want to spend more alone time together, grow close as friends and then as lovers again. I have begged. I need to feel loved and wanted. This has been going on for a very long time, but I feel there is no way out – his family is very strong and I KNOW that if I were to try to leave they would put me through absolute hell. We have even talked about it, and he has stated that I do not deserve half. At this point, I am not strong enough to try and fight through all of that. It would destroy me completely. Yet I feel so, so alone and so down that I worry if I can even be a good parent to my children in this situation. it is very complicated. I am clinically depressed, but it has been controlled through medication. I still have the odd terrible day or two, but usually can recover. To complicate things even more, I have shut down from him (involuntarily, as a coping mechanism to avoid more hurt)and also turned to alcohol to try to cope with the hurt, and of course it does for a while, but is never a solution and only contributing to more problems. He just goes through his day as if nothing is wrong, despite if I am so sad I am bawling in the bedroom most of the day. Sometimes he notices and just yells at me to stop crying and how sick he is of hearing it. When we do discuss it, he makes it all sound like it is my problem, which just brings me further down. So much so, that I begin to wonder if I am crazy, asking for too much, expecting too much, not a good enough person/wife/mother. Then my brain kicks in or someone compliments me and I realize I am a very intelligent, attractive and fun-loving person. Just never with him. It is just this bad pattern that circles round and round and is not getting better. Meanwhile, life is passing by……I am at a loss.

  • dream says:

    Ruth… I have the same situation. I can understand how you feel. I am married 9 years now and both we are christians. I am trying forgive my husband, do something, pray, but I guess only God can change our husbands and until then I guess we just have to suffer. Its writen in Genesis that its our curse of sin that we women we will long for our husband. Even when we are close to Jesus and our husband too, I think we will suffer of consequences of sin of Adam and Eve. God bless you.

  • Ruth says:

    I have only been married 5 months and im really struggling. I came to faith 2 years ago and was really on fire for God – I felt God really brought me and my husband together and He gave me supernatural powers of understanding, strength and forgiveness in order to be a wife to my husband who has rather complicated struggles.

    I knew due to the nature of his struggles that marriage wouldn’t be easy but I never expected it to feel like this.

    I feel totally emotional abandoned. He just cannot communicate with me. Quite often he will get back from work and only grunt one or two words at me for the whole evening, saying hes just tired when I ask what I have done wrong now. I used to try really hard – make special dinners, get him special gifts (gifts and actions seem to be his love language) But i just feel totally worthless. He doesn’t make any effort to reach me in the way I need. We used to try to have date night at least once a week, but even these times would sometimes leave us sitting in a restaurant in silence.

    The sexual relationship is non-existent, when I ask him to try and come to bed at the same time as me he is always busy doing something – I dont understand why he cant see the importance of doing these little bits some other time and not 12pm at night.

    I feel betrayed because of what I have put up with and accepted in the past to be a partner to him. I don’t feel we are married, I feel like we just share a house and are living separate lives along side each other. Surely the first few months of marriage shouldn’t be like this.

    Its effecting my relationship with God – if marriage is meant to be a symbol of Gods unity with us then it just reflects that Gods not interested in me at the moment. I don’t understand why I had such clear signs that I should be in this marriage if it just full of rejection and hurt. Divorce is not an option for me – but the prospect of a life of loneliness stretching out – with no emotional or physical company is terrifying me currently. I know the answer is to reach out to Jesus – but I just cant do it – I feel so flat, betrayed and rejected.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Marah, I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing a wall build up between you and your husband. When you are not working together as a team to deal with issues but instead feel like you are on opposite sides trying to fight one another it breaks down the trust and connection within a marriage. When you and your husband do not agree on an issue it is important not to fall into the trap of getting into a war of wills; instead it is a sign that the two of you need to stop, reaffirm your commitment to working together and then honestly work through the issue together.

    How has your husband responded to your description of how you feel abandoned? Have you been able to communicate that to him in a way that doesn’t assume that he is trying to be cruel? I am sure you marriage counselor and coach explained that how you say something is often more important that what you say. Did they help adjust the patterns and habit of your communication?

    I know how easy it is to let things put my spouse and I into a position of fighting against each other rather than working together on a problem. In our marriage our relationship with Jesus has made a big difference; because we are both looking for Jesus to guide the way we react to one another He will lead us into patterns of communication that are much healthier. Do you and your husband have a relationship with Jesus? One of His promises is that the more we allow Him to control our lives the more we reflect His character of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Don’t you think those characteristics would make a healthy marriage? Jesus can make that kind of change in you and your husband.

  • MARAH WALTA says:

    What to do if my inlaws are trying to break up our marriage and my husband has continued to ignore my feelings when I have communicated to him. It’s been is mother, half sister and Auntie. There has been subtle criticism about me with these three females about me.My husband has taken there side over his wife. What they say, he believes. This has been going on a over four years. My husband and I had to step away from because where our marriage was heading. We have been through marriage counseling and coaching. Recently the half sister posted something on Facebook about taking care of your parents, mother now on Facebook with a picture of her and my husband (but not with her other kids) with the help of his half sister. The mother puts his dad last name now that she is now been married to another man. These females are in there fifties and sixties, we are in our late thirties, interracial relationship. They are still emotional connected to my husband. My husband will not stand up to them. Now we are on our first vacation. His excuse to save money drive back non-stop, so we get home early, so he show his mother and Auntie the rental car before turning it in. This caused us to be divided, this vacation was suppose to bring us closer. I feel emotional abandoned from my husband for this reason. To know I am in competition with three females married but not happy. Currently on our vacation, he walked away, so we are both here, but truly emotional he wants to be back with his family. Emotional he loves his family over his wife. I built this man up, he is stable for the first time in his life, now the things he use to engage with is no more, I have ask for sex or remind him of quality time together. My intention is telling me, now that his life is where he want it to be, he doesn’t need his wife anymore. Well, my thoughts, my husband will win, I saved him, got what he wanted and get to be back with his family. Tell me what you think

  • Chris says:

    sasha…sorry to hear that you are struggling…its true men and women are quite different and at times this shows up in any marriage. we can be glad for his sobriety. i would suggest that you see his life as as a work in process as all of our lives are. as you know we are all growing in jesus a step at a time. we can praise the lord for where jesus has brought him to and where he is taking him to also just as he is working in your life as well. sometimes we have a model marriage in our minds that we think would be the perfect marriage for us when jesus could have other ideas in mind so that we learn to keep him as our best friend and confident and our faith can grow in him alone. ephesians 4.13 to 16. praying jesus bring you his peace and precious balance in life today!

  • Sasha says:

    My husband of 13 years has time and again shut me out emotionally. We believe in God, attend Christian marriage counseling on and off yet I am still left with feeling like I’m going at life all alone.

    He is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for months now (praise the Lord!) but he had done a lot of damage emotionally to us. Now that he’s sober, the space and disconnect between us feels even larger. Every time I try to share my feelings, he negates them, and that cavern gets wider. He says he doesn’t like seeing me upset, so that’s why he “flees” when I do get upset. A perfect sample of this is when I misscarrid with our first child, he literally went to bed and slept while I stayed up all through the night by myself while my body naturally went through the horrible process.

    He tells me he loves me and I am his everything, but when I see him turn to his friends from rehab to chat but never shares these things with me, it hurts me and makes me resentful. I feel that I deserve a spouse and companion in life who wants to communicate things with me. Am I asking for too much? I don’t need to know every thought or event. I just want a simple connection.
    Thank you for listening.

  • Nicki says:

    :) no. Nicole is very common. I have never posted here before.

    I have prayed. I have gone to 100% kindness and love regardless of how he was behaving. I have given all that I can give. I’ve already moved beyond anger. I feel like I just want my life back.

    I’ve never been so miserable.

  • Adam says:

    NICKI, I’m not sure, but I think that you are the same person that posted earlier this month, under the name, NICOLE, right? Well, regardless, I am NOT a mentor, here on powertochange.com, but a few years ago, their comforting words and advice, helped me through a very difficult time in my marriage. I am so sorry to hear about your marital situation. Your husband has absolutely violated his vow to love and to cherish you. I have no idea if you are a Christian or not, but it sounds like your husband probably isn’t. It’s times just like these that our Lord, Yeshua (Jesus), wants for us to rely on Him. If you are not a Christian, than I know how these words might sound to you. However, when I was at my bottom, I put my situation in His hands and my situation turned around in ways that I could have NEVER IMAGINED. You can read my story further down below, but suffice to say, I thought my marriage was over. I had to contemplate only seeing my three babies two weekends a month and lose my wife of twenty years. However, I prayed and placed my situation in God’s hands and thankfully, my marriage was salvageable. My wife, as it turned out, did not want to lose me. Now, our marriage is stronger than ever. She is my best friend, lover and life-long companion. You stated that you want to pray for the ability to feel “nothing” towards your husband. I assume that you are still in love with him and are in extreme pain from being emotionally abandoned. I know exactly how this feels. Earlier, Chris responded to NICOLE (you?) and recommended prayer and said that God “brings to light the things that are hidden in darkness that no one wants to reveal”. Understand the underlying message here. Something else is going on that you are unaware of. Please pray and ask for WISDOM: James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him”. What do you have to lose at this point? Get on your knees and pray to God for wisdom, and I promise with every fiber of my being, He will respond one way or another. God is not a liar. The pain that you are feeling really sucks. Soon, it will turn to anger, followed by resolve. This was not the man that you that was meant for you. Marriage may not be “flowers and rainbows” as you had previously described, but it can be an amazing, and life fulfilling bond that can last for eternity. I’m not saying that this will be your outcome, but I can assure that God will put you where He wants you, who he wants you with and it will be a thousand times better than where you are now. You will look back on this debacle and thank God for intervening.

  • Nicki says:

    And it should be made clear that he does NOT support us. I earn 80% of our household income. But he has ruined us financially until I stopped combining my funds with his. But all of those past due and unpaid bills are preventing me from finding an apartment.

    THAT I am angry about.

  • Nicki says:

    Today marks 6 weeks and 1 day that my husband has gone silent. 10 days since he has slept in our bedroom.

    He’s given me the silent treatment before for stretches but never this long. I told him last time (which was 1.5 years ago), that if he ever did it again I am gone. I quit. I give up

    If you know about the silent treatment you know that the “offender” isn’t privy to learning what they’ve done “wrong”. I’m not asking and I do not care anymore. I just want to find a new place to live so that I can GO.

    We have 5 children combined (his live in another state). When he’s silent towards me he is silent to my children as well.

    It’s probably been 4 weeks towards my kids.

    He will send me text messages and I will respond. But if I ask him a question via text he will never reply. He avoids being in the same room with any of us.

    I just wish I could pack all of my things and leave tomorrow. I just give up on this entire sham. I don’t even want to have a single conversation with him again. Ever.

    I’m not angry (anymore) but I am hurt. I have bent over backwards trying to fix things the past 3.5 years.

    I just want to pray for the ability to feel NOTHING towards him.

  • Chris says:

    Eric….this is a sad situation indeed. it appears obvious that true love is not present on the part of your wife at this time for this to be a true marriage. who knows if over time, she will change but from what you have said, the right conditions for a proper marriage dont seem to be there. plus the fact that it appears that your wife doesnt seem to be respecting Gods principles on marriage that it be a solemn and life-time commitment. you are hurting through this and i believe you need Gods help. why not log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above to have the only permanent and lasting relationship guaranteed for a life-time, and that is with jesus christ who died to save us from our sins that seperate us from the father. as you do, you will find that even if and when human relationships fail you, jesus christ will not. praying now that you do find that only lasting peace and happiness available for this life and the next, blessings to you Eric. bye for now!

  • Eric says:

    Hello anyone for advice. Recently my wife ask for a divorce..my story is we haven’t even be married for a year yet. When we first got together my wife begged me to move into her spot for awhile i had always told her no because if something was to happen i would get the bad end of the stick..i wanted something with both our names on something..after talking with family i finally gave in and moved in the her..she had a house i had an apartment.. when i moved inthe next two weeks ae got into an argument she told me to pack my stuff and leave…when i moved in i didnt bring anything i had besides a tv and my clothes…so you can imagine h9w i felt the first time she said that..so i moved all my stuff out then we worked it out because she is so dramatic..she complains about money when she makes 6 figures..me personally i had hit a rock bottom lost my business and more..and instead of my wife having my back the relationship took a turn…we had agree that for a year i could stay without payinf any bills so i can save money and start my business back up and not even for 4 months we were at each other throats…she had outside people putting bugs in her ear..instead of looking at the bigger picture it was turning the relationship downword.she was down playing me to other people i guess her way of venting..being disrespectful to each other…we wasnt really understanding wach other…i done got kicked out 4 times already..i feel im the only one fighting f9r this marriage..i don’t know if i should keep fighting or let her go..we havent been married for a year and we been through so much already..she says she doesnt see a future with me anymore…what should i do because i beieve things coukd change if she wasnt so negative

  • Chris says:

    Nicole…sorry to hear of your situation. it would appear that work and material goals have taken over first priority in your marriage which as you can see doesnt make a marriage at all but it sounds like there might be something else nagging at your marriage relationship which perhaps your husband isnt wanting to talk about. that is where God comes in. he brings to light the things that are hidden in darkness that noone wants to reveal. as you give your life to jesus and let his light shine into your heart, then he can do the same for your husband through your prayers and intercession for him. i would invite you to log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above so you can start living a truly fulfilled life through the only person who can give that to you and his name is jesus. you wont be sorry you did. as jesus said, heaven and earth will pass away but my words will never pass away. we can build our livess upon what jesus has said. he truly is the way, the truth and the life for all of us. praying you find his peace and joy even today, amen

  • Nicole says:

    I have been with my husband for 3.5 years and married for 1. And I’m sad to report that THIS all started before we even got married. He used to be so kind hearted and showed me love and respect as I did him. But now he has shut me out. We are in the middle of building our new home (by ourselves). He works a full time desk job with his parents and I work a full time desk job as well. He has a side job and building the house. I have two part time jobs. We live our own lives at this point. We are completely 100% emotionally disconnected. He promised we would start a family on our 1 year anniversary. He said to my face, “I’m not doing it because if we have a family right now we are bound to get a divorce. I”m not bringing a child into this relationship how it is.” Granted, I see his point on how our current relationship is… but the whole divorce thing? This all coming from a man said divorce was never an option. He keeps pushing that promise out with more and more excuses.

    I’ve never felt so alone in a relationship and it pains me to know it is my MARRIAGE that is going through this. Now, I know marriage isn’t a bunch of flowers and rainbows… don’t get me wrong. But it has been hell and I haven’t been happy. I honestly didn’t think we would make it to our 1 year wedding anniversary. And he says he has nothing to change and shouldn’t have to change and I need to love him for who he is. But this isn’t who he was in the beginning. No. He cared in the beginning. Now he doesn’t even try. Thinks sweeping it under the carpet will make it all better. And over and over people have said he is emotionally stupid. And he is. But he has shown love and TALKED to me before…… he just admits, “everyone does things in the beginning of a relationship to make themselves look good… those things fade quickly. Ask anyone.”

    :| I feel trapped.

  • Adam says:

    Oscar, I am NOT a mentor, here on powertochange.com, but a few years ago, their comforting words and advice, helped me through a very difficult time in my marriage. First let me say that I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of you child as well as marriage. I have three children and there is no way I could ever fathom what you have been through, but I can assume that it would be the worst possible experience a human being could go through. That being said, I’m trying to understand if you are asking for help/advice, or you if you just trying to make a point with regards to the article above. Clearly, your wife deflected her pain and anger (of the loss of your daughter) toward you as a coping mechanism. I know that this is fairly common when a couple lose a child and a huge percentage end up in divorce. You had mentioned that you are not religious. I’m not sure what your definition of “religious” is, but I do not consider myself “religious” either in that I do not get heavily involved with a single church, per say. I do, however have a very serious relationship with God and Yeshua. I cannot emphasize this strongly enough: That relationship has MIRACULOUSLY, helped me through my marital issues. If there is one thing that I would like for you to take away from this message is to try praying AT LEAST ONE TIME! And in said prayer, ask for WISDOM. James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him”. Just for laughs, try it, and see what happens. I used to be like you. God is not a liar and He WILL answer this prayer for you. Now, I am a faithful believer. I will pray for you and your family.

  • Oscar says:

    You missed one: protection.

    This is an offshoot of callous treatment.

    My situation may be unusual – our daughter died, and we then had a flood four weeks later. My wife exploded at me repeatedly as I managed the funeral; if I told her what the funeral director, police, coroner, her priest (I’m not religious), cemetery manager or anyone else involved, she blew her stack. She even criticized me for asking her mother if she had had a good night’s sleep. I could do no right, and this continued.

    After a while, I realized that the best thing to do was not to mention our deceased daughter’s name at all – that way, I wouldn’t get yelled at. I handled probate court, the headstone and creating memorials on my own. For three years, she also reminded me that our deceased daughter was our least favorite child, and went out out of her way to come up with isolated examples of when I had slighted our daughter to prove her point.

    I suggested marriage counseling after 3 months, but she refused to go.

    We’re divorcing now (she filed, has blamed me for everything, and has left our surviving kids behind with me, moving 4 hours away) and I feel guilty about it. I can take plenty of the credit. At the same time, I went through a horrid situation not only without someone to share it with, but with someone who made it worse.

    If your spouse is staying away from you, it could be that they are afraid of getting anger or negativity blasted back at any comment. They may feel it’s better to be at the bowling alley.

  • Chris says:

    diane…so sorry to hear of your situation…your husband is obviously a very hurting person who appears not to want to get help and you are left in the middle of it all. these situations call for help obviously. when the person doesnt want it you can still get it starting from God. God understands your situation and wants to help you through his son jesus who died on the cross for you. as you open your heart to jesus, he will come and bring his wisdom to you so that you know how to handle this situation and give you his peace while you do. for more information on starting your relationship to God log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com. praying that jesus bings you his presence, peace and purpose to your life and your husbands freedom as well amen

  • diane says:

    I have been married 4 years . after about 5 months he started not talking to me very much he is also a hermit with other people. he talks to people when he out but if they get to close he will throw up a wall and close them out . He now might speak to me a total of 10 to 15 minutes a day. If we go for a ride he sits in silence . If i talk he does not even as much nod a response and always disagrees with what ever i say even if its some quit trivial. For the last year i have totally felt depressed and have tried to discuss this issue with him, but he goes silent and the next day he pretends like nothing happened like he sweeps it under a rug. Im tripping over the mountain that has been swept under the rug. does this mean he want me to leave because he wont say?

  • Aldo says:

    Steve, the main thing you need to do is put God first in your life by admitting that you are a sinner, that you want Him to forgive your sins, and to accept and receive His Son Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”

    You see Steve, Jesus is the answer to all your problems, whether they be big or small, financial or habitual, domestic or physical. He wants to be your redeemer, your healer, your deliverer, and your advocate. Turn your life over to Him, and trust Him to bring about what He knows is best for you.

    Let’s pray: Heavenly Father, thank You for Your love for Steve. A love so great it is unfathomable. Help him to grasp the magnitude of that love. Help him to comprehend the sacrifice You made for him in sending Your Son Jesus Christ to suffer and die for his sins, and the sins of all mankind. Lord, comfort Steve as only You can. Answer his prayer and desire to be a better husband to his wife, and a better father to his children. Grant him the wisdom of the Lord Jesus Christ to know how to do that. Rebuke the enemy who wants to destroy that marriage and family, and cause the peace of the Holy Spirit to permiate their midst. Draw them all closer to You and to the Savior, in Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

    Steve, if you have not done so before, and you want to now, pray this prayer. Remember, God knows your heart and is not as concerned with your words as He is with your attitude.

    “Dear God, I admit I am a sinner and need Your forgiveness; I believe that Jesus Christ, Your Son, died in my place, paying the penalty for my sins. I am willing right now to turn from my sin and accept Him as my personal Savior and Lord. I commit myself to You, and ask You to send the Holy Spirit into my life, to fill me and take control, and to help me become the kind of person You want me to be. Thank You Father for loving me, forgiving my sins, and for giving me everlasting life, in Jesus name, Amen.”

    Steve, make it a habit to read God’s Word on a daily basis. You will hear Him speak to you through it. Then be obedient to it. God bless.

  • steve says:

    I just realized that I have not truly put God and my wife and 2 beautiful children as a priority in life. I have taken her love for granted and expected so much. We have been married for 7 years and I have focused all my energy into work and myselfamily and trying to raise our children. She told me that she did not want to hurt me and told me that she is not in love with me. She said she has love for me but is not in love. This deviated me. I thought that if I could just provide for and protect them we would succeed and everything would just work out. I was not paying any attention to her needs and she has not directly told me her needs. She says we are distant and it is so true. She have been waiting for me to change but I just put more emphasis on providing by working and she is done. I am having trouble dealing with the hurt that I caused and my first reaction is to force talk and I fail to listen well. She said she needs space now and said she was already looking a places because she needs time. She is so smart and I love her so deeply, but I have hurt her emotionally so bad I don’t know what will happen and I am scared. I fear loosing her, our family, and I want nothing more to fix it. When we fell in love I devoted my self to her but now I have puT work first. We have had some trouble managing our finances and she works and goes to school. I work midnights and am on call. She has encouraged me to focus on my career and professional future. I have done the same for her thinking. I am now realizin what I need to change but I need some input and help from God. Please pray for me to become a better person and husband and father. I have faith in God but I gotta act on this and now I feel so hurt loosing her love. She is angry and fed up with the way our marriage is.. I want to change to make her happy and but I struggle with patience and I don’t want to force her, I want her to love me more than ever and I want to show her how much I love her.

  • Adam says:

    I am not a mentor, here on powertochange.com, but I had marital trouble a few years ago and the kind and sincere people on this site helped me out in my situation. I know that it’s impossible to thoroughly describe your situation so that people reading this truly understand your marriage’s dynamic and current status. That being said, do you think that maybe your wife is using you as a glorified baby sitter and ticket to a college degree, while you wither on the side? It sounds to me like she has checked out. At the very least, she has no respect for you. The first thing that you need to do is get on your knees and pray to the Lord for guidance and wisdom. JAMES 1:5 “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally”. Than you need to cease with the empathy/compliments and take this time to work on yourself. You need to confront her about what your are witnessing happening to your marriage and how miserable you feel. Ask her to go to counseling w
    ith you. She has a responsibility, per her promise to God, to work on your marriage. Do you two go to church? Maybe now is a good time to start if you haven’t already. My marriage was in the tank a few years back. Prayer and Scripture not only comforted me, but it also completely turned my marriage around in a way that was almost miraculous. You can read my story further down the page. I will pray for you, your wife, your children and your marriage today. With the help of Yeshua and God The Father, you can turn this around.

  • J says:

    I have been married 4 years. We cohabited over a year before that. We havent celebrated our last two anniversaries due to busy schedules and it seems also a muthal dispassjon for ohr marriage. The arguments are better than ever. It used to be weekly. Now its monthly. She has lied to me, absconded with our children, spoken with guys who flirt with her behind my back, but hasnt done any of these things in yeArs That im aware of. She has gained weight. I never nag her about it and try to empathize when she mentions the subject of her body (which is a subject i always dread). I tell her shes beautiful daily, and initiate co tact like a touch to tbe back or shoulder and kisses daily. She rarely initiates these things with me. Sbe has not taken it upon herself to do anything that i want to do for over 14 months. She comes from the destroyed remnants of a family. My parents are still married. Shes the second person ive evdr been in a seriouz relationship with. our child is my first, her third (and im the third dad). I raise all the children as my own, and my parents are trhe grandparents to all the children. My parents and i sacrjfice so she can go to college. She sucks at apologjzing and she sucks at gratitude. She complains daily about her life and always rejects anything i suggest to improve it. When iz enough enough? I want my kids to have a mommy and a daddy but she seems to have this tendency to focus, notice, and remember only negative things. She matyrs herself for her contributions to the family, and devalues and minimizes my contributions to the family. I try several times each week to spend couple time with her but she always has an excuse. I found this site by googling “what do i do if my spouse doesnt want to spend time with me”… should i stay or should i go?

  • Chris says:

    Michelle…so sorry to hear of your situation…from your description your husband is making a mockery of what God intended for marriage. you have every right to a divorce. from what you say, your husband is an adulterer. unless, after talking with him he would want to change his ways of living, then i dont know why you would want to continue this fiasco with him but that would be up to you of course. one thing i am sure of however is yours and my need for God in our lives not only for the good times but especially in bad times such as these. i would recommend logging onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or clicking talk to a mentor above so you can find the only one who truly loves you and his name is jesus christ. my prayer for you is jesus love in your life and childs, that he would have mercy upon your husband to affect a change that would be permanent for the benefit of the three of you. i pray for his true repentance knowing that with God nothing is ever impossible. luke 1.37 amen

  • Michelle says:

    hello there.
    my husband and I have been together for 4years and after I gave birth he seems to be all distant.
    I feel so detached from him because of his behaviour. I don’t like the feeling.
    he has an ex wife and they still have contact and intimacy whenever they get the chance or whenever he visits her.
    I feel like a good for nothing that got married and gave him a baby.

    he gets his friends over. sit outside or in the living room having a good laugh while I am with baby isolated. I feel so dead from the inside.
    if you can help please do.

  • Tom Tom says:

    Hi John.
    It certainly is the case that we don’t know what we have until we begin to lose it. Particularly in a marriage, it’s so very easy to take the other for granted. I can empathize with you. It sounds as if there is much to hope for in your marriage, and your desire to get back on the right track and rebuild your relationship with your wife is encouraging.

    May I offer a few suggestions?
    Is your wife open to having a heart-to-heart talk about your marriage? She needs to know that you admit the problem lies with you for not having given her the attention she needs, desires, and should receive. She needs to know that you are sorry and that you want to change. Have you quietly shared these things with her?

    Do you think your wife would be open to the two of you talking with a counselor? If so, the pastor of your church (if you are attending one) would be a good place to start.

    I can also highly recommend a couple of books—
    The Love Dare, which was an off-shoot of the movie Fireproof. (If your wife likes movies, you might rent a copy of it and watch it together over a bowl of popcorn.) The book would be for you to read and offers dozens of ideas on how to “win back” your wife’s love, one day at a time.
    The Five Love Languages is also an excellent book to learn of how each of you gives and receives love. We can think we’re saying and doing all the “loving” things but our attempts might not be understood and accepted. If your wife is willing, you could read through the book together.

    Take it easy and take it slow. More than anything else, patience and love on your part are the order of the day. I’m sure the relationship didn’t grow cold overnight, and it will probably not be rekindled overnight either. But I know the Lord wants the two of you to stay together and to share the intimacy of love that only a committed husband and wife can have.

  • John says:

    Wife and I have been married coming up on 6 years, and she recently told me she wanted a divorce though she hasn’t taken any steps to further that. We have been pretty distant for the past few months. I know for my part I have failed to put our relationship front and center, and basically got very complacent. However the thought of losing her has me tied in knots to the point where I have trouble thinking about anything else. Some days are close to being like the good times, but there are days when she is so distant that I can barely get her to talk. Any advice for breaking through the wall that I helped put up between us and to get my marriage heading into the right direction?

  • Aldo says:

    Anna let’s pray: Father God, thank You for saving Anna and her husband. Lord, work in both of their hearts and lives drawing them ever closer to You and the Savior, Jesus Christ. Cause them to realize that they need to completely submit themselves to You so that they can resist the devil- James 4:7. Bless their efforts of reconciliation, and rebuke the enemy in their behalf. Throw a “hedge of protection” around them, and cause love to rise up in their hearts for one another, in Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

  • Anna says:

    thank you for that dream. I will see how tomorrow goes and maybe he will be more responsive and open to talk. I’m so grateful to talk to someone who is a Christian and who is not involved in our lives. thenk you x

  • dream says:

    Anna…Its good he will go to church with you, hope it will become a normal for him. Hope he will find some home group from church he can go and participate in praying and activity. I would suggest to read the Bible with him. Some passage you read, some he and talk about it. Then pray together. There is a power in Gods word. Believe its promises. Your husband needs to know Jesus more and his power. If he is still drinking he is putting a drug into his body and its affectiing all his life. I think alcohol making him so passive to everything-you , family, God. When he will draw closer to God he will draw closer to you anyway he is putting to much pressure on you by his current behavior. Pray for him too and see what will happen. If nothing change for some time I would suggest serious talk with him and temporary separation.

  • anna says:

    yes he was saved a few years ago, he doesn’t read the bible tho and he won’t pray with me, Ive suggested he comes to church tomorrow and he said yes. he does still drink and says he controls it. in all honesty he doesn’t drink like he used to and doesn’t get nasty either which would be a definite marriage breaker if it happened again, he won’t give it up completely, which to me he is still feeding his ‘habit’.

  • dream says:

    Anna.. Is your husband christian? Did he gave his life to Jesus, is he reading the Bible, praying, going to church? You wrote that he was alcoholic. Did he stop drinking?

  • anna says:

    dream, I’m afraid that does none of those things for me or us. I do all house and gardening even looking after the car. I am the total career for our children, he shows little interest. we never go anywhere unless I plan and push for it. he never buys me things. maybe he thinks going to work is his way of showing love? there are things such as I need glasses but and dental care but he doesn’t offer to help financially for them. he pays for the bills, well most of them and I pay for everything for the kids, and I do without and put my kids and his needs first. I have thought about being more social with friends etc but to be honest, I just want to spend time as a family and with my husband, not drinking etc

  • dream says:

    Anna.. Maybe your husband is showing you love different way. Like buying you something what you like, take family out for dinner, helping you at home or doing something for you. Men show love by doing something. My husband is also not too much hugging, kissing type of man or showing emotions. But over the years I saw that he is showing me love by helping in kitchen, cleaning, taking us out for a lunch, buying me what I like, or babysitting kids so I can have time for myself. If I need hugs and kisses I just go to him and hug him and kiss him and he respond. Sometimes a little time apart can help if you or he travel somewhere (business trip or visit parents, relatives or friends.) Passion can come back.

  • Anna says:

    thank you for your advice. I shall continue to give and be positive in our marriage and also pray more about this to give me the strength. it can be so difficult when you feel lonely in a marriage and it is hard when you don’t feel loved back. I truly believe that god put us together but I doubt that he want me to feel this way. I try to talk calmly, I never argue, i ask him how he is feeling and try to share his burdens, but it is always a one way street and i get no fulfilment in our marriage. I look at my beautiful children and I want so much to stay as a family unit. how long do I carry on for tho? I am running out of energy to keep trying and being knocked back and once again feeling alone. I will pray to the lord to help me x

  • dream says:

    Anna… dont be sad and despair. You are not alone. There are many women like you, treated the same way-being emotionally shut down. Men are different they dont understand emotions so much and they dont like to talk about it. They dont like when woman is sad or crying or telling them about their problems, because they think that they need to give a wife advice, but opposite is true. Woman in time of trouble just needs listening ear not advice. I suggest that you will find a woman friend and talk and pray with here about you problems. Just dont critize your husband in front of him or you friend. Receive your strength from Jesus and image that your marriage is service to him. Give and it will be given to you. Smile be happy thats what men likes and hopefully one day your husband will open too. It seems like something shut him down. Be patient.

  • Chris says:

    anna…sorry to hear you are struggling…its true that marriages go through different stages. one good thing in your case is that you have children by your husband. that is something to truly be thankful to God for as so many couples go childless. people are always changing. sometimes to our likes, sometimes to our dislikes. 1 peter 3 in the new testament encourgaes the wives to continue with their husbands and if they are disobedient on anything, God can do the changing. men do not respond positvely to their wives trying to change them. even the best marriages have difficulties. we need to not make marriage our foundation in life because the same person we marry may very well disapoint us over and over. the key to happy living is not a happy marriage, but rather a happy relationship with our heavenly father through his son jesus christ. that is the one and only relationship we can count on not changing. if you do not know jesus as your lord and savior you can log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or by clicking talk to a mentor above. i pray jesus would minister his peace to you and his way of looking at things with a heavenly view. God bless you!

  • Anna says:

    hi everyone, I’m pleased to find a Christian advice page and really hope you can help me. I have been with my husband for almost 20 years. the early years were troublesome with my husband being an alcoholic and treating me badly. Although we had bad times in the past, we moved through it together and I forgave him as he was my first love and the love of my life. also as I am a Christian I wanted to stay together and work through it. We later got married and have now to beautiful children. We have had difficult times and have always got thought it. since I have finished working to have our children, which we decided together, our relationship if pretty much non existent.. I feel like I have been shut out emotionally. We have a terrible sex life with no physical touch from him. he never cuddles me or kisses me. I always make the first move in cuddles etc. I have spoken to him several times in the last few years about my worries but he doesn’t want to discuss it. he says he loves me and he is just tired…but all the time? I know that can’t be true as he finds time and energy to meet with his friends for a drink. all the effort Is from me, I plan days out etc he never suggests doing anything. I have tried so hard to keep our marriage alive and have still given him love and affection with nothing in return. I can’t cope anymore. if ever I am upset he says he doesn’t want to hear it. what should I do? I have thought for years that I should leave but my faith has always kept me here

  • Chris says:

    anita…sorry to hear of your situation…after having six kids with you, i dont think your husband has a right to complain about a lack of intimacy. sounds more like that he is looking for an adventure and using you to as an excuse to permit himself this illicit activity. the bible calls men to love their wives as jesus does the church, sacrifically and unconditionally. your husband needs to understand that and give his heart to jesus and stop hiding behind human emotions and rather act like a man and face up to his real spiritual issue of not walking with jesus christ as his lord and savior. you can too. by logging onto kmowingjesuspersonally.com or by clicking talk to a mentor above, you can find out how to live victoriously in this world, with, without or despite what your husband does by receiving the great love jesus has for you. i pray you would and that through your example of faith, your husband would come to christ as well. blessings!

  • Anita says:

    I have been married for 18 years, together for 20 years. We have 6 kids. My husband has recently told me he is not in love with me anymore. Says our lack of intimacy throughout our marriage has made him feel unloved, hurt, angry etc. I am a child sexual abuse behavior and have been working on my intimacy issues. Husband has been verbally abusive and that makes me shut down. Husband said he checked out in Nov and started seeing another woman. They went out 3 times, kissed, emails and now just texting-not sexting. He says he is developing strong feelings for her. She is 25 and husband is 40. He says I have changed so much the last month-addressing all the issues he had with me but says I only want him now that he wants to divorce. Says he is not leaving me for this woman and that he no longer believes in marriage as everyone cheats. Says he can’t forgive himself for what he has done and he can’t let go of all the hurt I have done to him. We have been connecting emotionally and intimately, going through marriage counseling. Still feels the same. I just found out he is still texting the other woman. Says he is conflicted. Feels like running from me. He feels he is going to never marry again and just wants to be free. I really love my husband and don’t want a divorce. Can he fall in love with me again? Can our marriage be saved?

  • Curtis says:

    Landra, thanks for the content. I have been begging for professional help for some time, but more recent but with no success. I am actually at the point of accepting that 2 options are available, do like her and pretend that all is well and do not bring up any issues that I want to talk about or just separate. I will try to function in my role in the family and place all topics for discussion on the back burner. When I do this she is happy. I think that if she and my 2 kids are happy then I feel that I have served a purpose in the world. Unfortunately it does not feel fair to me but these are the only options. My spouse is an introvert, slightly bipolar and we have had some intense arguments over the last 15 years of marriage. She is unwilling to come get help so that we can have a bright future but rather just stay happy in her bubble and not discuss stuff that upsets her. I think it is my duty to not upset her and will just ride along this journey despite not being conten ted. I plan to seek happiness in my kids and in her happiness and see how that plays out. I do think that maybe trying this approach rather than talking will probably make some progress but regardless. I also share the sex dilemma that you seem to have and for the greater good will place that topic off the table so that both she and my kids can have a healthy home. I do think that your husband is in a good situation since you are willing to try. What I have realized is that a spouse needs to have a buddy to talk to sometimes and then they may be enlightened to stuff they will otherwise shut out the spouse on. My wife is an introvert and has no friends, literally, I am actually instigating for her to have a girlfriend to go out with and have conversations with. She did go out about 10 months back with someone similar to her and I will try to recreate that opportunity. Maybe it might work for you too? who knows? It is my alternative for her refusal to get professional help. I think if she converses with someone similar maybe it might help rather than staying locked up.

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    I am so sorry to hear of the difficult situation that you are in. It sounds like there are layers of emotional issues happening in your home, not just between you and your husband, but between him and other friends and family. Some of this could be as a result of the brain surgery, but it sounds like there is more happening her than just that since it worsened two years ago.

    I don’t suppose that he is open to seeing a professional counselor or pastor is he? Having a third party is always a good thing because they can be objective. If that isn’t an option, then it may help for you to see someone on your own since it sounds like the situation is very complex.

    Another option is to fill out the ‘Talk to a Mentor’ link on this page and one of our online mentors will walk with you through this situation. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

    Freya, I don’t know if you have a faith that you practice, but I would like to pray for you right now:

    Dear Heavenly Father, I lift up Freya and her husband to you right now. It sounds like their marriage is in a difficult place and I ask that You would help them to find some common ground on which to build up trust. Give her hope in the midst of the heartache that she is living with right now. Amen

    I hope that you can find a third party to help talk this through!

  • Freya says:

    I have had my marriage come to a place were there is no more talk considered, my husband said he had tried to negotiate the problem out for decades, the fact he wanted a life the same as everyone else, and every time he would say something like this the answer he received was after all there is always tomorrow, now he wont consider this statement at all, not after a surgery he should not have survived in 2001 taking a tumor off his brain stem, and another they had to restart his heart twice in 2009 that left him without feeling in his legs. Two years ago any agreement of his cooperating with any wish anyone else wanted over his came to a total halt, He decided I was going to be a wife at least one time before he booted me out the door and he raped me, The family holidays we had traditionalized, are no longer on any term’s but his, he just tells people he does not like now to take their rear home if they don’t like his presence and I saw him escort one couple to the door last forth of July and say get out, because he caught them smoking pot in his house. we had allowed people to be responsible for themselves for decades, but now he is not at work he says he always hated coming home to that smeell after work on holidays, and I did hear the complaints when he did, but he was not a holiday participent because he had to work so we allowed it, t is now I am home, its my house, my food, and my air , you are to do as I want in my house or find another place to be a sponge. And several good friends of his fathers and mine he has called a waist of human space to their face when they get buzzed, Just because he was expected to work when he really did not have to or want to he is punishing us for forcing him to.
    Now he is no longer in rehab, or working he walks into his house, tells everybody they are useless bags of flesh, and I wonder if I had not promised so many years ago if he would just back off and accept his place as his father and others wanted if he would be like he is now, mean, controlling, his own opinion is now the only one that counts now in his home and he s willing to back it up with pain and violebnce, My husband not only slammed the door in my face if somebody opens that door with no warning they will get a cannon ball straight in the face, with his standing there saying who told you I was going to stand for that.

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