Emotional Abandonment: Shut out by your spouse
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It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:“I feel distant from my spouse.” “I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.” “My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.” “I don’t know if I love him anymore.”
What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.
How does a marriage reach this point? Sometimes it’s a slow slide into complacency, and other times it’s a little more sudden. Realize that if it’s a sudden abandonment, there likely is some precipitating event or incident between the two of you that needs to be resolved. On the other hand, if the deterioration has been more gradual, there are probably a lot of little things that have gone unresolved and are taking their toll on the relationship.
Here are some of the specific, primary causes of emotional distance between mates:
- Unforgiveness. Emotional abandonment is unforgiveness taken to its extreme conclusion. When we feel that our spouse has hurt us and we refuse to forgive them, we look for ways to protect ourselves from being hurt again in the future. Closing off our heart from the other person is an easy way to do this, but it has deadly consequences. Unforgiveness always leads to isolation. Overcoming unforgiveness requires a willingness to humble ourselves and seek forgiveness when we have hurt our spouse, and it also requires that we be willing to graciously extend forgiveness when our spouse has hurt us. This forgiveness step is based on a desire to re-unite.
- Callous treatment. When I am careless in how I treat my spouse, it gets old really quickly. Whether it’s discourteousness, unkindness, or something worse, it creates hurt that may start out small, but can grow into deep wounds as it festers over time. To avoid this, each partner needs to look at their own behaviour regularly and consider whether they are treating their spouse well. A mate, above all people, needs to be treated with gentleness and respect. Remember, your spouse is a gift to you, and they deserve to be treated as something precious.
- Lack of effort. Sometimes the problem is a little less obvious than unforgiveness or harsh treatment. It is easy, especially for men, to just assume that the relationship is going along just fine, and so we don’t put in as much effort as we once did. We start to take our spouse for granted, leading them to think that they are not important in our lives. When the marriage slips from being one of the top priorities in the heart of one or both spouses, the other person feels abandoned. This causes them to feel unwanted and then to withdraw into their own world.
- Lack of time. Many of us simply try to pack too much into a day. Ruled by the urgent, we fail to make time for the truly important: things like romancing, talking about issues and really developing a friendship with our spouse. We stay constantly busy, erasing quality “couple times” from our schedules. A marriage relationship cannot thrive if our contact with one another is limited to a quick bite of supper or a brief chat before bed. A good marriage requires weekly face-to-face time – both talk and fun.
- Fear of talking through issues. Emotional detachment does not just happen out of the blue; there is always something behind it. If one or both of the spouses has an inability or fear of talking through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of disconnect will be the likely result. Usually both know there is something wrong, but they are hesitant to bring it up because they fear their spouse’s reaction. Or perhaps they feel like they’ve been through this before and it hasn’t helped, so why bother? In these cases, there needs to be a clear second look at what it means to resolve conflict in a marriage – how to have a “good fight,” as it were, that really bring things to resolution. Without these skills, and a real courage to step up and deal with problems, the emotional distance will just continue to grow.
- Living in denial. A lot of times, when things have started to go a bit sideways in the relationship, we don’t want to admit that it’s happening. Often the person truly needing to make some significant changes is most content to deny the existence of any real issues. We kind of live in denial, as if it’s not really happening, or it’s not that bad, or things will get better in time. But living in denial doesn’t fix things; it only causes the marriage to deteriorate to the point where the couple just does not feel close anymore.
Working through emotional distance
The first step to dealing with emotional abandonment is to identify the root cause and to begin to deal with it. Don’t settle for living in isolation. Ask God for more in your marriage and then trust Him as you faithfully try to make changes. Here are some suggestions for re-establishing a loving connection with your spouse:
- Agree to talk. At some point you have to agree to talk about the problems that exist between you. If you’re going to resolve issues, there needs to be a mutual commitment to listen to the other person’s concerns and to work towards improving the situation. Don’t corner your spouse with an unexpected lecture, but set a time and agree to start to work through your issues.
- Be prepared. Before you have the talk, take the time separately to think through the unresolved issues that you’ll be discussing. What are your concerns in the relationship? In what areas do you feel you need to improve? What are your expectations of your spouse? To put your thoughts down on paper may be best, but either way, be prepared to be open and honest with each other about the real issues between you. Be sure to take the time to really listen to what your spouse is saying. Give each other uninterrupted time to share your view on things.
- Be direct but gentle. Neither of you has anything to gain by holding back your true feelings. Remember: unresolved issues lie at the heart of emotional detachment. So lay all your cards out on the table by sharing your hurts clearly. Don’t allow things to get out of hand. Be committed to talk through things sensibly. Take breaks to cool it if necessary but agree to continue. Ask each other the tough questions, and talk through the difficult issues that have been eating away at your relationship. Regardless of which partner initiated the wrong, you both need to work at resolving the problem.
- Begin to meet unmet needs. Often a person pulls back from the relationship because, in their mind, their needs are not being met. A healthy marriage demands that both partners actively work to discern the needs of their spouse, and work to meet those needs. Seek to understand your spouse’s needs and ask yourself how you can start to better express love by meeting these needs. Make your spouse and sorting things out your new priority.
- Deal with your own stuff. If I am feeling abandoned by my spouse, I need to ask myself a tough question: What have I done to drive my spouse away? Now it may not be only your responsibility. Nevertheless, you have to find out what you are responsible for and take ownership for your actions. Really listen to your spouse. Of course, there are things that your mate needs to deal with, and they may be withdrawing from you for selfish reasons, but that can’t stop you from taking the steps that you know you need to take. Both parties must be prepared to make apologies and extend forgiveness as part of your recovery from the emotional detachment.
- Intentionally re-engage. If you are to re-establish your emotional connection, it won’t happen by accident and it won’t happen overnight. You need to agree to make your relationship a priority and spend some quality time together. Plan a few dates and put each other in your schedules. It’s time to re-enter one another’s lives again.
- Act kindly. This may not be a revolutionary new idea, but it can have that kind of an effect on your marriage. You must act kindly toward your spouse. Small gestures of warmth, acts of kindness, and efforts to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way toward renewing your bond with one another. Do this from the heart with real commitment to make the necessary changes.
- Love unconditionally. Somebody has to break out of the negative cycle of eye-for an eye, poor treatment for poor treatment. You need to step out of the insult-for-insult cycle and respond differently. You cannot control your spouse’s behaviour, but you can control your own. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must choose to treat them with love. This is not easy to do when your partner is not reciprocating, but it is what you vowed to do when you promised to love each other “for better or for worse.” And nothing breaks down emotional barriers like unconditional love.
- Allow God to work. I’m going to challenge you to ask God to change you. God wants your best and He’ll always be ready to take full responsibility for any life that is totally surrendered to Him. That also includes re-engaging with your spouse and getting attached in love again. God wants that and He will guide you in that, if you’ll allow Him to.
We’ve all got issues to work through in our relationships. Whether your problems stem from bitterness, unforgiveness, dishonesty, lack of kindness, unfaithfulness, or something else, God offers you His power to enable you to live in a way that honors Him. There’s no doubt in my mind that God wants your marriage to work and that you desire to have warmth and a close connection with your spouse. That’s His design. Let’s go after it.
Does God care about your love life?
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
Dear Reba,
So sorry to hear about the relational breakup that you are currently facing between you and your husband. At times anger is a good thing for it allows the other individual that their misconduct is not acceptable and that their choices have actually hurt us dearly as in the case of your husband leaving the family unit and having and affair. However, it is good to hear that you have been effectively dealing with the hurt, anger, forgiveness issues, and even owning up to your part of the problem. Truly, God has been working on your heart through all this and trust that He will also work on your husband’s heart as well as you continue to pray on his behalf. The Bible says, “The righteous cry out, and the Lords hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:17-18)
You mentioned that you both have been emotionally distance for at least 10 months previously. Did something take place that caused this emotional tear between the two of you? Do you think your husband would be open to seeking some marital counseling that would help to rebuild your commitment to one another?
At this time I would like to pray for you:
Father God, I pray on behalf of Reba and her husband. I ask that You would continue to work in Reba’s heart and allow her to continue to build solid relationships with You and those around her. I ask that Your Holy Spirit would begin to work in her husband’s heart in making him aware of Reba’s love for him and the desire to see his return. I pray that You would give Reba the right words to use when speaking to her husband regarding this situation and the possibility of working things out. I believe that You desire and love to see marriages thrive and I ask that You work within this marriage in bringing them back together. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen
This is what happened to my marriage. We’ve been married for 22 years and my husband unexpectedly walked out 9 months ago. We had been emotionally distance for at least 10 months previously, but I was actively looking forward to reconnecting last summer when our kids were gone. I talked about it a lot and looked forward it, I think it was too much pressure and my husband left the day our kids left for the summer and we were supposed to start our alone time. He also started an affair the month he left. I was really angry for months afterwards and his detachment was complete probably based on my anger. Now he is hardly there for our two kids and we rarely communicate. It’s very much out of character because he was an actively involved parent. I’ve worked on myself a lot and have sent him a letter owning my part of the demise of our relationship. I was emotionally distant from him also, but I never wanted out of our marriage. I think I could forgive his affair and I desperately want my family back. But I don’t know how to ever reconnect with him again. We’ve not talked about getting a divorce, we just don’t talk about much anymore. I feel like my old self in many ways now and it’s good. My anger has dissipated in many ways and all other relationships in my life have thrived. I just miss my husband and want us to heal together.
Dear Betsy,
My heart goes out to you. It seems like a confusing and very difficult situation. It is very tough to be vulnerable and then feel rejected or put off. I want to pray for you now:
Dear Lord, thank You for Betsy. Thank You for the hard work she has done in reflecting on her own past and for her desire to make her marriage work. I pray that You would continue to lead her and guide her, to show her the way forward, and for her trust in You to grow. Lord, so often we think we know what is best and when, but one thing I have learned is that Your plan is greater. I pray for Betsy to experience an increase in faith, and for You to draw her closer to Yourself, to learn to rely upon You. I pray also for her husband, since You know his heart and care for him. Please help them to be sensitive and compassionate toward one another, to be patient and to endure, and to keep running the race that is before them and not give up. I pray this in Jesus’ name, thank You Father. Amen.
Betsy, we have private online mentors available to encourage you through this season and to pray for you. If you like, a mentor will contact you via email. Here is the link: http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
Betsy, if anyone knows your pain, it is Jesus.
He was despised and rejected by men;
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
(Isaiah 53:3 ESV)
Do you trust Jesus to care for you? He will never lead you astray and will never have mixed feelings about you. He loves you and is always with you, and desires to be closer in relationship with you.
Many blessings,
Kate
My husband and I have been apart for three years trying to make the marriage work and fix a lot of past hurts. I have finally arrived at a place where I am ready to be in the marriage and I have apologized to him for many situations which happened in the past that I believe were very much my fault, but I was too angry at the time to see and understand the full picture. He begged me to work on myself, and I have. He knows I have changed, but at the same time, now that I am willing to start the marriage again, HE is feeling outrage and pushing back, saying very hurtful things and changing his mind on a day to day basis. He wanted this marriage for years and supported me, but now that I’m ready, is emotionally distant and tell me he has changed his mind about wanting to be with me…which he will take back a few days later. In order to be with him, I have to move across the country into his apartment, so it’s a big deal as we no longer live in the same city due to his work transfer. Anyway, it’s so hurtful to talk with him on the phone and hear him not want to explain any details of his day other than exactly what he did for maybe 5 minutes, and then get off the phone, not allowing for any real connection to take place. All I can do is pray and hope he can reconnect with his desire and love for me that lasted up until very recently, when I made the commitment to be with him and to quit my job and relocate..
Adam, thank you for sharing the pain that your wife’s behaviour choices are creating deep in your heart. I am very well aware of how hurtful it is when one’s spouse turns away from the commitments made at the altar for selfish reasons, and I am deeply sorry that you are experiencing such wounding. Would you consider speaking to your pastor to receive counsel, as well as support and encouragement for yourself at this tremendously difficult time in your life and marriage?
Most of all, Adam, if your wife is refusing to communicate with you, and she is not indicating that her behaviour is acting out based on any upset in the home for which you are able to make amends,(please understand that I am in no way suggesting that it is appropriate to sin and place the blame on anyone other than ourselves), I urge you to do everything possible to avoid isolating and to care for your spiritual needs as the Lord Jesus guides you to do through His indwelling Holy Spirit as you continue to seek Him. I encourage you to continue drawing close to God and relying on Him to sustain you, for truly, He is your Anchor and your Rock and your ever-present Help in this time of trouble. Please feel free to go to the following link and request the help of one of our online mentors, as well, if you would like to do so, and someone will contact you securely and confidentially:
http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
Brenda, my 39 year old wife’s issue has little to do with any loss that may have occurred as a child. The fact of the matter is she has a new career, making quite a bit of money as a drug rep, out in the field. Her new independence has empowered her to want freedom to go out late at night drinking with friends, while lying to me, shutting me out, and leaving me at home to raise our children. Any negative feelings from me, cause her to lash out… possibly from guilt? or maybe coping with denial? Regardless, my children and I are collateral damage. I pray that God softens her heart and brings her to her senses before this gets really ugly.
Adam, I am sorry to hear that you are having this pain in your marriage. Are you aware of anything in your wife’s past that could be triggering her to be fearful of your sadness? Is there some significant sense of loss there that could lead her to link your sadness to something deeply painful? Only by being able to draw her out will the two of you be able to resolve this issue, Adam, and that will probably take great patience on your part, as well as much reassurance on your part of your love for your wife, as well as your willingness to walk with her through whatever she is experiencing that is leading her to react in anger to your feelings of sadness. Let her know that no matter what the problem is that is creating her pain, you love her and desire to work it through because you love her and are committed to your marriage for eternity. However, it is so important for your own health, Adam, as well as for the health of the marriage, that you do not bury your emotions.
You mention, Adam, that Scripture and prayer are the only things keeping you from falling off the deep end at this point. Do you have a pastor with whom you could share your pain and from whom you could seek counsel? Also, if you would like to speak individually to a mentor on our site, please feel free to go to the following link, and someone will contact you privately and confidentially:
http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
I pray that you and your wife are able to get to the root of what is bothering her and creating a wall between the two of you, Adam.
I read the article and was shocked at how accurately portrays my relationship with my wife of 18 years. Recently, she has become completely emotionally detached from me for reasons unknown and I am having a terrible time dealing with it. She acts like everything is just fine until I mention that I am sad; at which time she lashes out and threatens divorce. She keeps asking me if I am “OK” but threatens divorce if my answer is anything but “Yes”. So now, I have to lie (which I hate doing!) about my feelings to placate her. We have three beautiful little children and I love my wife and do not want to lose her or have my family broken up. Prayer and Scripture have been the only thing keeping me from falling off the deep end. Any advice, help, counsel, ANYTHING is appreciated!
That is so cool Russell; it takes real honesty to be open to how I contribute to the problems in relationships. I am praying that your kitchen table meeting leads to radical changes in your marriage.
Heavenly Father, I pray for Russell and his wife as they embark on this journey of mutual honesty and connection. I ask that You would help Russell to communicate effectively how he has contributed to the detachment in their marriage. I pray that his wife would be able to hear and understand what he is saying and that would help her to recognize her own contribution. Guide them to new depths in their love for one another and bind their hearts together in love and openness. Amen
Found your article with a simple Google search born from near absolute despair: ‘why is my wife so detached?’. After reading the entire article it was clear to me that i too am a major contributor to our mutual detachment. Before reading I would have readily laid all of the blame on my wife. Now a different perspective has opened before me. Thank you for that and for the outlined steps for me follow. Despair has now given way to hope as I look forward to inviting her to our first kitchen table meeting.
Dear Robbin, Glad that you found this article to be of help. Sorry to hear that you and your husband are having a rough time right now, perhaps the both of you might consider seeing a marriage counselor or to speak with your pastor regarding the issues you are both facing. In the meantime, I hope that you and your husband will take the time to work through some of the nine suggested steps in re-establishing a loving connection with your spouse.
Do you have a close girl friend or two to talk and share your concerns? If things remain troublesome for you, we have private online mentors available to encourage you through this season of heartache. A mentor will contact you via email.
Here is the link: http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
I pray that God’s peace and comfort blanket you at this time vulnerable time. In Jesus’ name, Amen
This article was a great read I am going though this with my husband who has shut me out. I cry every day thinking that it will get better each day because harder and harder.
Hi Trell, I am not sure what you mean by “mate”. Are you married? Is this a title for a friend? And when you say, “I don’t give in to him physically” are you talking about sexual intimacy or some other physical demnads that he puts on you?
Thanks for helping me understand.