Emotional Abandonment: Shut out by your spouse
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It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:“I feel distant from my spouse.” “I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.” “My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.” “I don’t know if I love him anymore.”
What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.
How does a marriage reach this point? Sometimes it’s a slow slide into complacency, and other times it’s a little more sudden. Realize that if it’s a sudden abandonment, there likely is some precipitating event or incident between the two of you that needs to be resolved. On the other hand, if the deterioration has been more gradual, there are probably a lot of little things that have gone unresolved and are taking their toll on the relationship.
Here are some of the specific, primary causes of emotional distance between mates:
- Unforgiveness. Emotional abandonment is unforgiveness taken to its extreme conclusion. When we feel that our spouse has hurt us and we refuse to forgive them, we look for ways to protect ourselves from being hurt again in the future. Closing off our heart from the other person is an easy way to do this, but it has deadly consequences. Unforgiveness always leads to isolation. Overcoming unforgiveness requires a willingness to humble ourselves and seek forgiveness when we have hurt our spouse, and it also requires that we be willing to graciously extend forgiveness when our spouse has hurt us. This forgiveness step is based on a desire to re-unite.
- Callous treatment. When I am careless in how I treat my spouse, it gets old really quickly. Whether it’s discourteousness, unkindness, or something worse, it creates hurt that may start out small, but can grow into deep wounds as it festers over time. To avoid this, each partner needs to look at their own behaviour regularly and consider whether they are treating their spouse well. A mate, above all people, needs to be treated with gentleness and respect. Remember, your spouse is a gift to you, and they deserve to be treated as something precious.
- Lack of effort. Sometimes the problem is a little less obvious than unforgiveness or harsh treatment. It is easy, especially for men, to just assume that the relationship is going along just fine, and so we don’t put in as much effort as we once did. We start to take our spouse for granted, leading them to think that they are not important in our lives. When the marriage slips from being one of the top priorities in the heart of one or both spouses, the other person feels abandoned. This causes them to feel unwanted and then to withdraw into their own world.
- Lack of time. Many of us simply try to pack too much into a day. Ruled by the urgent, we fail to make time for the truly important: things like romancing, talking about issues and really developing a friendship with our spouse. We stay constantly busy, erasing quality “couple times” from our schedules. A marriage relationship cannot thrive if our contact with one another is limited to a quick bite of supper or a brief chat before bed. A good marriage requires weekly face-to-face time – both talk and fun.
- Fear of talking through issues. Emotional detachment does not just happen out of the blue; there is always something behind it. If one or both of the spouses has an inability or fear of talking through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of disconnect will be the likely result. Usually both know there is something wrong, but they are hesitant to bring it up because they fear their spouse’s reaction. Or perhaps they feel like they’ve been through this before and it hasn’t helped, so why bother? In these cases, there needs to be a clear second look at what it means to resolve conflict in a marriage – how to have a “good fight,” as it were, that really bring things to resolution. Without these skills, and a real courage to step up and deal with problems, the emotional distance will just continue to grow.
- Living in denial. A lot of times, when things have started to go a bit sideways in the relationship, we don’t want to admit that it’s happening. Often the person truly needing to make some significant changes is most content to deny the existence of any real issues. We kind of live in denial, as if it’s not really happening, or it’s not that bad, or things will get better in time. But living in denial doesn’t fix things; it only causes the marriage to deteriorate to the point where the couple just does not feel close anymore.
Working through emotional distance
The first step to dealing with emotional abandonment is to identify the root cause and to begin to deal with it. Don’t settle for living in isolation. Ask God for more in your marriage and then trust Him as you faithfully try to make changes. Here are some suggestions for re-establishing a loving connection with your spouse:
- Agree to talk. At some point you have to agree to talk about the problems that exist between you. If you’re going to resolve issues, there needs to be a mutual commitment to listen to the other person’s concerns and to work towards improving the situation. Don’t corner your spouse with an unexpected lecture, but set a time and agree to start to work through your issues.
- Be prepared. Before you have the talk, take the time separately to think through the unresolved issues that you’ll be discussing. What are your concerns in the relationship? In what areas do you feel you need to improve? What are your expectations of your spouse? To put your thoughts down on paper may be best, but either way, be prepared to be open and honest with each other about the real issues between you. Be sure to take the time to really listen to what your spouse is saying. Give each other uninterrupted time to share your view on things.
- Be direct but gentle. Neither of you has anything to gain by holding back your true feelings. Remember: unresolved issues lie at the heart of emotional detachment. So lay all your cards out on the table by sharing your hurts clearly. Don’t allow things to get out of hand. Be committed to talk through things sensibly. Take breaks to cool it if necessary but agree to continue. Ask each other the tough questions, and talk through the difficult issues that have been eating away at your relationship. Regardless of which partner initiated the wrong, you both need to work at resolving the problem.
- Begin to meet unmet needs. Often a person pulls back from the relationship because, in their mind, their needs are not being met. A healthy marriage demands that both partners actively work to discern the needs of their spouse, and work to meet those needs. Seek to understand your spouse’s needs and ask yourself how you can start to better express love by meeting these needs. Make your spouse and sorting things out your new priority.
- Deal with your own stuff. If I am feeling abandoned by my spouse, I need to ask myself a tough question: What have I done to drive my spouse away? Now it may not be only your responsibility. Nevertheless, you have to find out what you are responsible for and take ownership for your actions. Really listen to your spouse. Of course, there are things that your mate needs to deal with, and they may be withdrawing from you for selfish reasons, but that can’t stop you from taking the steps that you know you need to take. Both parties must be prepared to make apologies and extend forgiveness as part of your recovery from the emotional detachment.
- Intentionally re-engage. If you are to re-establish your emotional connection, it won’t happen by accident and it won’t happen overnight. You need to agree to make your relationship a priority and spend some quality time together. Plan a few dates and put each other in your schedules. It’s time to re-enter one another’s lives again.
- Act kindly. This may not be a revolutionary new idea, but it can have that kind of an effect on your marriage. You must act kindly toward your spouse. Small gestures of warmth, acts of kindness, and efforts to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way toward renewing your bond with one another. Do this from the heart with real commitment to make the necessary changes.
- Love unconditionally. Somebody has to break out of the negative cycle of eye-for an eye, poor treatment for poor treatment. You need to step out of the insult-for-insult cycle and respond differently. You cannot control your spouse’s behaviour, but you can control your own. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must choose to treat them with love. This is not easy to do when your partner is not reciprocating, but it is what you vowed to do when you promised to love each other “for better or for worse.” And nothing breaks down emotional barriers like unconditional love.
- Allow God to work. I’m going to challenge you to ask God to change you. God wants your best and He’ll always be ready to take full responsibility for any life that is totally surrendered to Him. That also includes re-engaging with your spouse and getting attached in love again. God wants that and He will guide you in that, if you’ll allow Him to.
We’ve all got issues to work through in our relationships. Whether your problems stem from bitterness, unforgiveness, dishonesty, lack of kindness, unfaithfulness, or something else, God offers you His power to enable you to live in a way that honors Him. There’s no doubt in my mind that God wants your marriage to work and that you desire to have warmth and a close connection with your spouse. That’s His design. Let’s go after it.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
Dear Ralf,
My heart reaches out to you. After cancer surgery 8 years ago and chemotherapy, my wife has no estrogen and therefore no desire for sex. She refuses to take enzymes (or growth hormones) to correct that for fear of stimulating cancer to re-occur. We have thankfully found other things that we have in common and enjoy together. At age 75 it seems too early for me, but when would be a good time to wind down? Those years of disappointment have been very trying for me, yet the up-side is that I’ve grown closer to my Lord as I spent more time in Bible reading & prayer. Now I look daily for God’s leading as He has a plan & a purpose for my life. Some 25 years ago I, sadly, was looking around for someone else to embrace; and I’m thankful that I never found anyone! God has chosen to lead me to increased Spiritual growth. Oh, there is such a long way yet for me grow.
Ralf, I found a book that has helped us to appreciate one another. I recommend “The 5 Love Languages” in which Gary Chapman says we have different ways of “wanting to feel loved”. One is looking for a clean kitchen while the other one wants a back rub, for example. Those 5 major languages are: “quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch”. When you have both read if, and strive to learn each others language, it will hopefully feel like the sun has just risen!
Dear Heavenly Father, I lift up Ralf and his wife for You to work in their hearts. You are the God of all comfort and also the God who heals us. I do not know what You have in mind for them, but I thank you in advance for drawing them closer to you and to each other. Life is so complicated, yet You are able to work in every heart to further Your purposes. We are Spiritual beings, temporarily in physical bodies, and have an eternity to look forward to. As You prepare us for the life beyond today, give us peace, hope, and also joy. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
My wife has always needed much less intimacy, and I have always respected that. Now, sex hurts her and we have a “platonic” marriage. It’s huge to me, but after a lot of discussion, it’s a dead issue. Even the touching and cuddling is pretty much gone now. My father was active into his 80′s — I’m not looking forward to the decades of sexless marriage ahead of me. I don’t want an outside relationship, and fortunately I haven’t gone there, but I think about it regularly. Bummer, dude!
Dear Sally,
You and your husband have been continually on my heart. God knows I long to have the right words, to proclaim the truth boldly and clearly, and that the door would be open for His message to be received. All my hope is in Him! Our Lord Jesus is mighty to save! He is able and willing!
This weekend I have been reading a book called “The Meaning of Marriage” by Timothy Keller. A passage in chapter one struck me as being right to share with you:
“Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic [of our culture] that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become ‘whole’ and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person.
“We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is … learning to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married” (Hauerwas in Keller, p. 38).
Keller goes on to say, “Hauerwas shows that the quest for a perfectly compatible mate is an impossibility. Marriage brings you into more intense proximity to another human being than any other relationship can. Therefore, the moment you marry someone, you and your spouse begin to change in profound ways, and you can’t know ahead of time what those changes will be. So you don’t know, you can’t know, who your spouse will actually be in the future until you get there.”
The beauty of loving our spouses and they us, even the strangers that we become, is that this reflects God’s relationship with us. His perfect, unconditional, unrelenting, untiring love! His compassion! His grace! The journey with Him as He uses our marriages to bless us, teching us to love as He does, requires us to “makes changes that you don’t want to make” but they are always and everywhere, without exception, for our good!
It is through the fiery trials, even when they are seven times hotter than we could have anticipated (see Daniel 3:19), we learn that God is nearer to us than we ever imagined, and not only willing but ABLE to preserve us! He will get us through when there is NO WAY we can survive, and He will do so, I only pray for faith to serve no other God but Him.
I know this is not what you asked me to write about, but my prayer for your husband today is this:
Then Sally’s husband said, “Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! Sally’s faith erupted into my heart, she trusted in the Lord and defied the enemy who wanted to bring about divorce and was willing to give up her life rather than serve or worship any god except our own God. Thanks be to God, the fiery trial that was set to destroy us has not harmed us, not even a hair of our heads was singed! We have been delivered from the furnace, not scorched and not even a smell of the fire remains! God has made all things new, even our love, affection and appreciation of one another! God has given me new eyes to see my wife, to behold her as she really is in the sight of the Lord, beloved, precious and clothed in beauty! Many women have done noble things, but there is none like her. My delight is in her.”
Our God is an awesome God and He is with you! Put your faith and trust in Him, and He will do this, He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn and the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Blessings in Jesus’ name,
Kate
Dear Darryl,
Thank you for your honesty! I too have struggled with intellectual assent to some scripture passages, but by God’s grace have learned that He can handle all the toughest questions, the harshest accusations, even outright rage and fury, as long we are honest in our hearts toward Him and open to hearing what He has to say about it all, and most especially to hearing what He has to say about us. We often think that what He has to say about us is the last thing we want to hear, since we are perpetually prone to denial and rationalization! However, the beauty of God, as He has made Himself known in the Lord Jesus Christ, is that He acts toward us in mercy. His Word to us, even when it is rebuking, disciplining, teaching, demanding or painful, is always only a word of mercy and truth for our good, because of who He is!
One thing I have found greatly intellectually satisfying and spiritually freeing is to understand that the gospel of Jesus Christ is not a moral corrective. The root problem of fallen humanity is not our morality or immorality (it makes no difference whether I am a morally very, very good person or a very, very bad person, either way I am a sinner who needs the Saviour!). Thus, our root problem is that we are dead in sin and condemned, and yet refuse to grip onto our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ by faith. God has done everything on our behalf, for our present and eternal good, only we so often refuse to believe Him. Our Sin, therefore, is our unbelief. Because we refuse to believe God is good and desires only to care for us as our perfect Father, we set about to be lord of our own lives. What a mess we then make! O, the pain we cause ourselves and those we love! Thank God that His grace is sufficient to overcome even this! We need only admit our need of Him, that is the only fitness He requires.
After all, God is not a set of documents or a series of doctrines. Jesus is a person, your Savior and mine, who desires your heart, as well as your head, and He will never weary or rest in His pursuit of you, nor will He resent questions or rejections or betrayals. After Peter had denied Him three times, He did not say to Peter, “Are you sorry? Will you promise never to do it again? Do you see why you were wrong? Why didn’t you listen when I warned you? Do you understand better now?” No, none of that crossed Jesus’ lips. All He asked was, “Do you love Me?” Listen when He speaks, I pray.
God bless!
Kate
@Kate
Hi Kate, just wanted to take a couple of min to let you know where I’m at with all this. I want to let you know that I appreciate your advice in this difficult time, but when it comes to religion, I don’t believe.
I grew up in a Christian home, went to Sunday School, was a Alter boy in my teens,went through the whole conformation process, followed my parents to what ever church function that was happening. Church was a big part of life growing up and I never questioned it.
Then I moved out on my own and I didn’t have my parents pushing me to go to church and I didn’t feel the need to go. I did still go with my parents when I returned home, but that was about it. At this point I still believed everything the bible had to say, even if I didn’t attended services regularly.
I guess around the age of 32 I started asking questions, where do I stand in life? whats this all about? I started to look not only at my own religion but religions from all around the world. Am I just a Christian becuase I was born into a Christian family?…If I was born in India, would I be a Hindu? If I was born in the middle east, would I be Muslim? Did I really have a choice of what I was suppose to be? Which religion has it right? With millions of different followers all around the world, they all can’t be right?….but when speaking to the ones i did…each one had as a strong will that their belief was the right one, just as strong as the next…that to confused me.
So it came down to..what is right for me. I’m an adult now and I wanted to believe in something…So I stuck with what I knew..Christianity. I actually went to a local pastor and talked with him about certain things in the bible that I didn’t agree with. We had a back and forth for almost 2 years before I made my decision.
In the end, the bible has alot of things that I don’t agree with in regards to how certain minorities are treated,life styles, to the more archaic beliefs like in the old testament, knowing that alot of the people follow the king james version. But alot of the beliefs overlap. Beliefs that I just can’t accept as a good person, I know they are wrong.
I asked my pastor that if I really wanted to be accepted by my religion, do I have to follow, even the things that I disagree with it?! Know that today..alot of the more modern followers don’t follow some of the older views, such as eating shellfish, the right to slavery, the right to sell you daughter, stonings, etc.
In the end, its up to the God almighty to deem how fit we are in regards to well we followed his word. Its up to the individual to choose what he or she beliefs…but my question was still steady.”Can I be a true follower if I don’t belief everything the bible says?”. He said in the end..I guess not.
That was the beginning that sent me on a quest to look more into , just not my religion but others…and what I found were alot of the things I never knew about, verses that alot of people skim over or are rather taboo, more or less understood but not spoken about. Conflicting beliefs even within the realm of Christianity, from Mormons, to Pentecostal, Catholic, each with large variations in their core beliefs. Speaking to different believers, each one said without doubt that, theirs were the right one.
In the end…I didn’t like any of the answers that people were giving me. Don’t get me wrong, there are some good advice within the bible..but there are some nasty stuff there too that contradicts alot of “being good”. If I have to belief the bad parts of the bible and accept that…I can’t live with myself knowing that..it just doesn’t seem right. Something in me..knows that its not right to be that way.
It was during that time..that left my religion. So your advice that you give, I appreciate..I really do. But when it comes to believing in a God, or Jesus, or Ali, or Vishnu and praying…I have just as must comfort in believing in myself, that I have the will power to overcome, that my inner thoughts will get me through this. Saying that there is a God behind that confuses me,, since I ask, which God?..how do you know its your god and not someone elses?..perhaps its not a god and its just free will, my own mind inner thoughts, working how it should?
So I appreciate and I am not trying to minimize your help, but I just can’t seek solace in a God, or Gods, from any part of the world. But I know people believe what they want..what works for someone doesn’t always work for someone else. That’s just life..we are all different..I hope that despite our differences, we can all still help each other and get along.
All the best to everyone here and the troubling times that we are ahead, but stay strong, think positive, be positive, tell yourself that it can only get better, above all …be happy with yourself and happiness with others will follow.
Dear Sally,
I have read your latest post and will seek the Lord before responding fully. I want to pray for you now:
Dear Lord, thank You that Sally is a woman after Your own heart. Thank You for her faith and for her willingness to wait on You. Please continue to give her grace to hear You as lead her forward, and I pray the same for her husband. Holy Spirit I ask that You will minister to each of them and shine light into any dark places, so that the truth might be known and Your will be done! In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen
Grace and peace to you,
Kate
Dear Darryl,
With the Lord Jesus, it is not too late. In John chapter 11 it is written that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days when Jesus called him back to life. Further, Jesus had been in the grave for three days when our heavenly Father resurrected Him from the dead. In other words, even what looks ‘final’, as if it is really ‘the end’, can be transformed. NOTHING is beyond fixing. God can do anything. The questions that remain, therefore, are: Do you trust Him? Are you willing to be humble before Him and obedient to His instructions as He guides you forward?
Also, is your heart hard? Remember, God permits divorce when our hearts are hard, but it is not right and certainly should not be regarded as the only or best option. Respecting your wife is essential, but it is not ‘all’ you can do. You can seek the Lord and see how He will guide you, shape you, change you, and in the process see changes in your circumstances. It is certainly not about making her do anything, but actually wooing her as the Lord leads you forward in forgiveness and restoration. God is pleased by our faith, and tells us repeatedly that when we are weak, He is strong, so it is not about us becoming ‘stronger’ or ‘happier’ – it is about increasing our faith in Him! He is the source of our joy and peace!
If we do not want to seek God or obey Him, that is one thing, but neither should we seek the false comfort of excuses. If you are afraid, it is to Him you must turn!!! It is in Him and His plan and His purpose you must trust! Try reading Joshua chapter 1 and see how the Lord instructs you.
God bless!
Kate
@Kate
I appreciate the kind words. But it is too late, like a wild fire that is outta control, it doesn’t wait around to be put out.
But I take ease in the fact that we both are in agreement, that it is the end. True unconditional love is wanting my wife to be happy. If that means she has to be without me,…than so be it. Im sure one day I will look back on this and say,” That was the right thing to do, I am a better person for it and so is my Ex” But for right now….its hurts like hell.
I’ve already started the process of moving out, we are being very respectful of each others feelings and opened to conversation if either of us want to talk a little more. But not about how we can fix it, becuase to her…its beyond fixing…she is done. She does not want too….all I can do is respect that decision. We are in the end, our own people..I can’t make her do something she doesn’t want to do..and I never would think of doing such a thing.
I’m scared and frighten, and a soup of other emotions flow through me every min of the day. But with each day, its closer and closer to being healed.
Here’s to all of us being stronger and happier people from all of this, regardless which direction life happens to us.
Thank you