Emotional Abandonment: Shut out by your spouse
Do you feel abandoned? Our mentors are here for you. Request a mentor today.
It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:“I feel distant from my spouse.” “I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.” “My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.” “I don’t know if I love him anymore.”
What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.
How does a marriage reach this point? Sometimes it’s a slow slide into complacency, and other times it’s a little more sudden. Realize that if it’s a sudden abandonment, there likely is some precipitating event or incident between the two of you that needs to be resolved. On the other hand, if the deterioration has been more gradual, there are probably a lot of little things that have gone unresolved and are taking their toll on the relationship.
Here are some of the specific, primary causes of emotional distance between mates:
- Unforgiveness. Emotional abandonment is unforgiveness taken to its extreme conclusion. When we feel that our spouse has hurt us and we refuse to forgive them, we look for ways to protect ourselves from being hurt again in the future. Closing off our heart from the other person is an easy way to do this, but it has deadly consequences. Unforgiveness always leads to isolation. Overcoming unforgiveness requires a willingness to humble ourselves and seek forgiveness when we have hurt our spouse, and it also requires that we be willing to graciously extend forgiveness when our spouse has hurt us. This forgiveness step is based on a desire to re-unite.
- Callous treatment. When I am careless in how I treat my spouse, it gets old really quickly. Whether it’s discourteousness, unkindness, or something worse, it creates hurt that may start out small, but can grow into deep wounds as it festers over time. To avoid this, each partner needs to look at their own behaviour regularly and consider whether they are treating their spouse well. A mate, above all people, needs to be treated with gentleness and respect. Remember, your spouse is a gift to you, and they deserve to be treated as something precious.
- Lack of effort. Sometimes the problem is a little less obvious than unforgiveness or harsh treatment. It is easy, especially for men, to just assume that the relationship is going along just fine, and so we don’t put in as much effort as we once did. We start to take our spouse for granted, leading them to think that they are not important in our lives. When the marriage slips from being one of the top priorities in the heart of one or both spouses, the other person feels abandoned. This causes them to feel unwanted and then to withdraw into their own world.
- Lack of time. Many of us simply try to pack too much into a day. Ruled by the urgent, we fail to make time for the truly important: things like romancing, talking about issues and really developing a friendship with our spouse. We stay constantly busy, erasing quality “couple times” from our schedules. A marriage relationship cannot thrive if our contact with one another is limited to a quick bite of supper or a brief chat before bed. A good marriage requires weekly face-to-face time – both talk and fun.
- Fear of talking through issues. Emotional detachment does not just happen out of the blue; there is always something behind it. If one or both of the spouses has an inability or fear of talking through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of disconnect will be the likely result. Usually both know there is something wrong, but they are hesitant to bring it up because they fear their spouse’s reaction. Or perhaps they feel like they’ve been through this before and it hasn’t helped, so why bother? In these cases, there needs to be a clear second look at what it means to resolve conflict in a marriage – how to have a “good fight,” as it were, that really bring things to resolution. Without these skills, and a real courage to step up and deal with problems, the emotional distance will just continue to grow.
- Living in denial. A lot of times, when things have started to go a bit sideways in the relationship, we don’t want to admit that it’s happening. Often the person truly needing to make some significant changes is most content to deny the existence of any real issues. We kind of live in denial, as if it’s not really happening, or it’s not that bad, or things will get better in time. But living in denial doesn’t fix things; it only causes the marriage to deteriorate to the point where the couple just does not feel close anymore.
Working through emotional distance
The first step to dealing with emotional abandonment is to identify the root cause and to begin to deal with it. Don’t settle for living in isolation. Ask God for more in your marriage and then trust Him as you faithfully try to make changes. Here are some suggestions for re-establishing a loving connection with your spouse:
- Agree to talk. At some point you have to agree to talk about the problems that exist between you. If you’re going to resolve issues, there needs to be a mutual commitment to listen to the other person’s concerns and to work towards improving the situation. Don’t corner your spouse with an unexpected lecture, but set a time and agree to start to work through your issues.
- Be prepared. Before you have the talk, take the time separately to think through the unresolved issues that you’ll be discussing. What are your concerns in the relationship? In what areas do you feel you need to improve? What are your expectations of your spouse? To put your thoughts down on paper may be best, but either way, be prepared to be open and honest with each other about the real issues between you. Be sure to take the time to really listen to what your spouse is saying. Give each other uninterrupted time to share your view on things.
- Be direct but gentle. Neither of you has anything to gain by holding back your true feelings. Remember: unresolved issues lie at the heart of emotional detachment. So lay all your cards out on the table by sharing your hurts clearly. Don’t allow things to get out of hand. Be committed to talk through things sensibly. Take breaks to cool it if necessary but agree to continue. Ask each other the tough questions, and talk through the difficult issues that have been eating away at your relationship. Regardless of which partner initiated the wrong, you both need to work at resolving the problem.
- Begin to meet unmet needs. Often a person pulls back from the relationship because, in their mind, their needs are not being met. A healthy marriage demands that both partners actively work to discern the needs of their spouse, and work to meet those needs. Seek to understand your spouse’s needs and ask yourself how you can start to better express love by meeting these needs. Make your spouse and sorting things out your new priority.
- Deal with your own stuff. If I am feeling abandoned by my spouse, I need to ask myself a tough question: What have I done to drive my spouse away? Now it may not be only your responsibility. Nevertheless, you have to find out what you are responsible for and take ownership for your actions. Really listen to your spouse. Of course, there are things that your mate needs to deal with, and they may be withdrawing from you for selfish reasons, but that can’t stop you from taking the steps that you know you need to take. Both parties must be prepared to make apologies and extend forgiveness as part of your recovery from the emotional detachment.
- Intentionally re-engage. If you are to re-establish your emotional connection, it won’t happen by accident and it won’t happen overnight. You need to agree to make your relationship a priority and spend some quality time together. Plan a few dates and put each other in your schedules. It’s time to re-enter one another’s lives again.
- Act kindly. This may not be a revolutionary new idea, but it can have that kind of an effect on your marriage. You must act kindly toward your spouse. Small gestures of warmth, acts of kindness, and efforts to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way toward renewing your bond with one another. Do this from the heart with real commitment to make the necessary changes.
- Love unconditionally. Somebody has to break out of the negative cycle of eye-for an eye, poor treatment for poor treatment. You need to step out of the insult-for-insult cycle and respond differently. You cannot control your spouse’s behaviour, but you can control your own. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must choose to treat them with love. This is not easy to do when your partner is not reciprocating, but it is what you vowed to do when you promised to love each other “for better or for worse.” And nothing breaks down emotional barriers like unconditional love.
- Allow God to work. I’m going to challenge you to ask God to change you. God wants your best and He’ll always be ready to take full responsibility for any life that is totally surrendered to Him. That also includes re-engaging with your spouse and getting attached in love again. God wants that and He will guide you in that, if you’ll allow Him to.
We’ve all got issues to work through in our relationships. Whether your problems stem from bitterness, unforgiveness, dishonesty, lack of kindness, unfaithfulness, or something else, God offers you His power to enable you to live in a way that honors Him. There’s no doubt in my mind that God wants your marriage to work and that you desire to have warmth and a close connection with your spouse. That’s His design. Let’s go after it.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
Like many others I googled emotional abandonment and came here. I do not feel as alone. I have been married for 9 years and have one precious daughter, conceived through IVF after all other procedures. The infertility initiated my surrender to God and I thank God every day that I am saved. However, my husband has not been intimate with me to any degree for at least 3 years (our daughter is 4) and I feel like a prisoner and have wished for death. My husband degrades me both publicly and privately and it is uncomfortable to even sit with him at dinner ( which rarely happens). We have no communication, but he is a doting father and devoted son and brother to his family. I am utterly rejected. The contrast in treatment is striking. I stay in the marriage to honor God, but physically I am suffering and developing health issues. I pray and am growing in my walk with God. My spirit is humble and gentle and I am careful to avoid any accusatory comments. I am attractive and professionally successful as a physician which makes it harder for me to understand the rejection even as he is not Christian and can’t value me as a child of God. He is from Iran although not Muslim, and I have attributed some of his behavior to culture. I have learned to forgive for this very cruel rejection, but I forgive over and over and in the natural am dying of this treatment. A mild attempt at discussion is met with angry derision. Any suggestions or encouragement?
So what I hear you saying Charlton, is that a huge percentage of the conflicts in relationships are the result of not intentionally trying to listen and understand what the other person is saying. Many of the conflicts people have would not even exist if they developed better skills in active listening. Is that right? :)
Probably 80%-90% of relationship problems could be solved through active listening. Quite often what was heard was not what was actually meant. We let our assumptions get in the way of clear communication. Learning to listen is the first step.
Of course there are many sides to the situation. No one can push someone to be open if it isn’t done respectfully. Many women end up with someone who is closed off, but they knew that at the outset, thinking they could change him. By now people should just get it!
Sometimes the person shut-out has emotional health issues and pushes and pushes.. like in my son’s, and two brothers past and present situations. Nice guys with controlling partners. For whatever reason they found each other and .. sheesh.. talk about ending up with drama queens. My son’s ex has border line personality disorder and they had two babies. When I would call he’d be feeding the kids or getting them ready for bed. yet she would nag nag nag. He finally shut her out and just endured because standing up for himself meant war to her. But he wanted to try to work it out for the kids and stuck it out until he ended up going back to drinking because it wasn’t in his nature to yell or to hit. Too often the woman is held up as the angel when in fact she’s the one causing all the pain.
I pray for the marriages in which there is no friendship, no emotional intimacy. May God spark that desire that was once there to love one another for better or for worse, and may He encourage us to see Him in our spouse, that we may love as we desire to be loved and not as we are loved. May the Holy Spirit comfort each person who is lonely and aching for their partners to acknowledge their value in the marriage relationship; and may God bind us all together in His Perfect Love and unity, In Christ Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.
Well! I was not married that long to feel abandonment, but I agree with the devotional for today aobut the situation. If I were married i would try to do my best to help my partner. I would alos let God take full control of my marriage and the situation. I know that it is hard work and it is a life long commitment. I pray that we all take marriage seriously and that we do not marry just for love. My parents had there ups and downs too when they were here on earth, but i know that they stuck it out and they were married 42 years and to me that is awesome. Death is what took them apart.
Sometimes it is to much work, that is when it is not worth it. It use to be when I was dating the man persued the woman, he would do anything (I call this the introductory offer) fix her car, take her to dinner, go places with her…soon as you say “I do” try even getting the toilet fixed, why is this. When my husband needs something done, I get it done right way, he asked, he must need it, and I honestly do, thinking I was of help and know it is appreciated, getting him to do something, or take time for ME is another thing. Then they wonder “Gee why did she leave me”…or she is a nagging b….h. No, I have asked 25 times to get something done, and I do not ask, usually when something in the house breaks…so now because I have had to ask so many times I am a nag. I am also detached from my husband, I just have completely froze up, to much work….not worth it, I call my girfriends up to talk, not about my marriage either, just fun things, its a release, at least I can talk to them. He just goes his way and I go mine, what is the point?
We have been married 40 plus years and 30 of then have been without intimacy or sex of any kind. He just wants nothing to do with me any more. Our whole married has been shakey and then it just fell apart. He prefers to live downstairs away from me and I have the upstairs. I’ve been without any attention for so long I don’t care anymore. As the old saying goes if you don’t use it you lose it and thats so true.
Hi Shawn,
Thank you for being so candid and open with your feelings. Admitting that you can get angry and that it doesn’t help the problem is a mature realization. I understand you love this girl, but I will tell you a hard truth, if you are having problems now that you are dating, it is not going to get any better. Yes, it is true that marriage and relationships take work and you have to daily forgive but a loving and nurturing relationship shouldn’t be this much work. If she is deceitful and selfish those are major red flags and it says to me that she isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship. Relationships are tough and its hard to sort out all your feelings alone, we offer free and confidential mentoring and if you would like a mentor to help you sort through all this relationship stuff click on the link here to get a mentor: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Sincerely,
Leah
Wow everyone is sharing so I think I will too. I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost two years and it has been challenging to say the least. We both have made mistakes. Her issues outweigh mine by far in my opinion. I have tried everything to resolve our issues but with her there is mo easy remedies. She keeps lying, being manipulative, disrespectful at times and the biggest of all selfish. That causes me to respond angrily which doesn’t make things mch better. I didn’t always respond in anger but when the same nonsense happens over and over again even after we’ve discussed and she knows how I feel it drives me nuts. I’ve never been with someone more selfish. Now I’m to the point whatever she gives me that what I’m going to give her back and she is to the point of emotionally detaching so she doesnt have to deal with the pain of my responses to her stuff. She struggles to apologize or just be accountable for wrongdoings. She would rather be arguementative and go back and forth being defensive than just finding a solution to the issue. I’ve read a lot online, but I need all the feedback I can get. In spite of all this I love her anx believe we can work things out but I need some new information that will help us because I’m not really sure how to proceed. Thanks for listening.
Hi Carolyn, Many times in life we do not understand why someone does not want us and in my life I have learned to depend on God for my support as humans will always fail. In Isaiah 58: 11 The Lord will guide you continually, giving water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like and ever growing spring. When we rely on Christ he gives us the comfort through the holy spirit that we desire. God Bless
My husband became disinterested in sexual relations soon after we married, 30 years ago. He was 28 and I was 19. Initiating sex was always up to me and his participation was minimal. I had undiagnosed emotional problems which made both of our lives difficult and I believe that his lack of interest and emotional withdrawal was borne of intense regret and remorse for having married me. I would beg God to make my husband want to touch me and share his emotions or to take away my desire for them. The rejection was so painful. I fell into deep suicidal depression near the end of the first decade of marriage and began treating my husband with contempt. I am thankful that he continued to return home to my hateful stares night after night. I never received help but God was with me. I did not have the strength to think a prayer let alone speak one. I was, however, aware of the Holy Spirit interceding for me during this time. The day that I retrieved a gun to end my life, it was as if God, the great director, said “cut” and I felt His hand cup beneath me and lift me out of the deep darkness that I had sunk into. By God’s grace I have stopped wanting answers from my husband and have forgiven him. I pray that he has forgiven me as well, for his own sake. Jesus, lover of my soul, has made me complete. I desire Him above all things. How mysterious are His ways as I have found more satisfaction in servitude than all worldly and fleshly desires combined. Today there is little if anything shared with my husband, but I love him, respect him and am thankful for him. I wonder how we will look back on these times when we are in heaven. Thank you LORD for weaving our pain into a beautiful eternal tapestry according to your grace and knowledge.
Meg, It saddens me to read that you think that marriage is unnatural and just too hard. Is marriage work? ABSOLUTELY. Even a really great marriage takes effort every single day. And yes some marriages are harder than others – when there is a sick child, or interfering in laws, or exes, or job issues or money trouble or religious differences – it can be even harder. But I know that marriage can work over the long haul because I have seen it. I know many couples, included my own parents who have been happily married more than 35 years. That’s not to say that it has always been roses, but they choose to be together, they are better together and they do the work to stay together because they love each other.
No marriage is perfect because no one person – let alone two! – is perfect, but a marriage doesn’t have to be flawless to be wonderful. It sounds like you are in the middle of a really tough situation in your own home. Have you considered seeing a marriage counsellor? The outside perspective and professional training of a counsellor can do wonders in working through the rough patches in marriage. It can be so hard to see the good when we’re up to our eyes in everything that is hard and painful and just too much work. You must have believed in marriage once or you would not have gotten married – and you did, twice – so you must have thought that marriage had value. A good counsellor can help you work through your daily reality to get your marriage back to something that is worth the trouble. If you would like to talk to someone privately, we do have email mentors available. Just fill out this form to request a mentor and you will get an email back, usually within a couple of days.
I think overall marriage is a union that is flawed. Some marriages work but most are not working or over. I am a good woman who is religious, kind, loving and want very much to have a loving relationship but I am in my second marriage and find it impossible. I am drained and it takes away from a productive life. I think I am right, marriage is not natural. It is just too hard for too many people. I think God wants us to be happy but how with the impossible task of marriage?
My wife and I have been having problems for a while (approx. 2 yrs) in our marriage. Since then the marriage has slowly deteriorated. We have 2 children a 15yr with Autism and a 7yr old beautiful little girl. My wife has put up a wall and has disconnected emotionally. She is angry and resents the problems I have created. I have put her through a lot and I have not been loving and thoughtful at times. I have also been critical of her and have taken her for granted. I recognize my faults; it took a while to recognize within the past 2 yrs. I don’t blame her for feeling the way she does. When I look back; I was a good dad, but a lousy husband quite often. We men can be really stupid, selfish and proud.
We have 18 years invested in this relationship and I do not want to lose her. I wish that I could turn back the clock. She is a great woman; loving, selfless and wonderful mom. She does not believe that I can change, because I have said that I would and have not followed through. This time it is different and I have been humbled by this experience and I am committed to change. We are going to counseling, but I feel that it has gotten worse. Her love tank is empty and she can be cruel at times. I am trying to stay strong and counteract the cruelty and vicious remarks with acts of love and kindness. I want to continue to show her through my actions that I mean change, but she does not want to have anything to do with me. I try to talk to her about it and she gets annoyed and can’t stand to talk about it.
Please help and pray for me. Does anyone have any suggestions? Can anyone relate and have you had any success? I need encouragement.
Thanks and God Bless!
Oscar
Hi all,
Sorry to hear about all you are going through. I have gone through similar issues and taken a toll on our intimacy. Husband has a Marijuana addiction, cheatings, etc. I have fell the emotional abandoment for 11 years now. January I ready to leave him and file for divorce. A family member gave us the information of this weekend program called Retrouvaille. Very inexpensive $130 for the weekend and included meals and hotel room. We went to this program 3 weeks ago and when we got there, we were both very negative about it. When the program ended–we began to see things different. We felt hopeful and willing to work on our marriage.
You do not need to be Catholic to go to this program. THere were many other couples there from different religions. Please go online to this Retrouvaille site and read about. You can view locations near you and date of the next seminar. My H and I are in the healing process and been able to express our feelings without hurting eachother and have respect and consideration for one another.
God bless!!
R
I highly, recommend for those couples with problems and with addicted spouses.
Husband and I married and together over 32 years. We lived apart when he took a new job and it was not perm. since his last job was offshored he wanted us to wait on moving. Then I got cancer. Long story short, when I went to surprise him he had a woman in our family car. I then heard he had been living at her house 4 months. We went to counseling, he said he left her, we looked for homes, made offers that fell through, found a new home, made offer. It was done being built like 10 months after I heard of the affair, he had been coming home on weekends. We move our daughters help. Nine days later he deserted me, went to this persons house. Said she was so upset he left her and bought our family a house. That was a year ago. He is still there, he crys when I mention divorce, his check goes to bank like it has for years, I pay the bills like I have for years. What do I do? I love him. I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t contact our kids, he says he can’t face them.
To all!
Thank you so much for sharing your stories. It makes me so sad to hear them but I find comfort in the fact that I am not crazy! My husband and I have been together since 2006 Married in 2009. When we met he was in the process of moving from Georgia to Florida and to this day still is. His business keeps him away from the house a minium of two weeks at a time each month. Our lives over the past few years have been nothing but disconnecting, reconnecting, disconnecting and now we can no longer reconnect. It started with the physical distance due to the business however two years ago when I felt him slipping away emotionally I began to act out throwing temper tantrums, begging and pleading trying despirately to obtain his attention. That did not fair well for either of us. Through therapy I know that my actions were not acceptable and that I could have and should have reached out in more productive ways. Over the past six months (since I started therapy and began changing for the good) He has pulled away even more. He goes days with out retuning phone calls and text messages. There is absolutely no intimatcy because he says he can not touch me because he doesnt feel good about where we are however he is always too busy to take the time to deal with our relationship issues so that we can obtain closure and move on. When we are able to work on our relationship he focases only on the things that I have done wrong and refuses to look at the role he plays. When we argue we are unable to resolve and get over it. He holds on to every agrument and refuses to make up. When I tell him that the distance is hurting me he says that I am making a problem out of nothing and that his plate is so full that he has nothing left to give.I love him so much and think about him every day I just can not understand how he can not feel the same for me. We have both done and said some terrible things but at some point you have to forgive and forget learning the lessons presented which makes the relationship stronger. How do you let go of these distance people with love so that they can come back to you with the love and respect that you deserve? I wish I could say he was a terrible person, an achololic, an abuser or a cheater because then it would be so much easier for me to let go and move on, that Ive experience before and I know I am strong enought to overcome. But this guy I have been dealing with is not my husband. His work and stress has made him this distant hurtful person and he doesnt even realize it. My husband deep down is a great person. He is the guy that shows up first and leaves last always leaving a place better of than it was before he came. He is the guy that would take the shirt off his back for you. He is the good guy, the best friend.How can I help him get back to the person that he really is without givng up on our relationship? I cry every day because I feel such a huge loss a hole in my heart so large that the emptyness consumes me.
Dear Gym,
My heart goes out to you. Do you think your wife would consider going to counselling? Also, I have found that prayer does amazing things. Would you like prayer? Fill out our form and we will pray for your wife.
http://powertochange.com/experience/need-prayer/
I will be praying for you too!
My problems are a result of my own doing and now I am trying hard to heal some of my wrongs and how this has affected my wife and our relationship.
I have never been one showing much in the way of warmth and affection throughout our 26 years of marriage. In the last 10 years I have been fighting my way through depression and have been on many differnt drugs to try to combat. If any of you know what this stuff can do to you, you will know what I mean when I say it affects your entire being; physically, mentally and sexually. I have essentially abandoned my wife and kids during these years trying to overcome my problem. As well I said unkindly words to my wife that truly regret but cannot be undone.
Ironically I am now on meds that has vastly improved my mood and I had intentions and mentioned to my wife that we need to discuss our relationship. I was hoping to restore our marriage as I knew she was very unhappy and I was now able to head in that direction. She however surprised me that she was planning to separate and move out shortly. I convinced her to stay and hoped we could rekindle what we once had. I have made consideable changes to my attitude and treatment towards my wife and kids but alot of damage has occurred. My wife says what we all have heard before that she does not love me and has no feelings for me. She is happy for me that I am feeling better but I have done severe damage to her as she is very sad at home and does not know if she want to carry on with the marriage. I am trying really hard to show that I have changed but I agree with her assessment that the change was radical and virtually came over night and wonder too if is all true. To me it is but I wonder. I have full intentions not to hurt her again as I did before and have so stated. Maybe this is all coming too late. My wife is not receptive to these changes and is more distant than before I made this improvement. There is not much discussion between us and she will does not want (yet?) to try to start improving our relationship. I can’t blame her but now I am going through some of the pain that I placed on her these many years. I wish I new what to do to try to rekindle what we once had. Once upon a time she loved me like there was no tomorrow. I wonder if there will be anotehr tomorrow like there was many yesterdays ago?
Wow, I am so happy that I found this site..Must be the answer to prayer. I am totally there with most of you. Married for 29yrs…to an emotionally vacant man.. Like the rest of you… I feel like I did something so wrong to have this happen to me. I raised a son who doesn’t feel his fathers love or concern, and as a result, he now has turned his back on the Lord, because like you said… He never had his earthly father to relate to..
This is so unbelieveable. I also feel terrible that my son has had no father to back him up, and give him support.
I am so afraid to leave and live alone.. but living like this is toxic.. it is detrimental to your health.. I have digestive issues because of it.. The ostracism is unbearable.. He degrades me in front of my son now.. He says I am nothing to him… I am so so sad.. I believe in the Lord Jesus, and I have prayed for years for Him to help me change and accept this.. but I just can’t do it anymore.. I can’t believe it has come to this…. a big nothing…. so sad..
Thank you Ramona for your feed back- it did truly help. So often a person can feel totally alone. I have never participated in anything like this in my life before- maybe it was God who answered my prayers, I did ask him for help and guidance and just typed some blurb of an address into Google and this is what turned up.
It was much the same as ever this morning. I was bearing in mind that God says that what ever is put before us we must continue to be kind etc. I sat on the end of the sofa while she was reading and told her that I loved her and asked her about the book and she shook her head slowly and replied with ‘Dont you get the hint?’- in other words leave me on my own.
You would think that for a supposedly intelligent man (at least to some degree I must be) you would think that it would be so easy for me to walk away, but I try to look at things logically and look for a reason? Maybe I am blinded by love- I don’t know. I do know that it isn’t healthy, and yes I am honest- I was told some years ago by my prof. at university that my only problem was was that I was too honest. Thank you again.
Dear Mike,
Your seem to be an honest person in the way you present yourself and that is a good quality. You sound as if you are committed to the relationship you have now, (although I do not call it a correct one) but my heart bleeds for your situation. Generally, it is the women who endure these abusive relationships but occasionally there is a man, who like yourself puts up with distortion of conduct such as the lady you are with is putting out.
Why don’t you dump her? What have you lost if she quits you? Is she really there anyway? You deserve better. God thinks you deserve better. You probably have learned how to love one who is abusive and to overlook it. I call that a “sacrifice to a god not worthy” because the Almighty God does not approve of it. This woman is not your source of anything.
Firstly I am with a woman who I love very much and I have known her for over six years. Some background stuff…. I have family in another country (where I am from originally) by that I mean my elderly mother and just recently I had to help move her into a care home and remove all her belongings from her apartment (emotionally very difficult) and all the other related things. I also have a daughter working away in another country who has not seen the person I am with yet- she says she needs time because she has only ever known ‘me and her mother’. Briefly I married her mother when she became pregnant and we did live together until our daughter reached university age. Her mother would always say that if she had her life to live over she would never have married- not because I was a bad person etc- she was ‘never into marriage’. She never had to work- I did all the providing. Anyway she lives on her own close to her mother and seems happy enough. I have had to return to the country of my birth on several occassions to deal with things to do with my mother etc (I was adopted and have no siblings). I am incredibly nervous when I have to do this because in the past my girl friend has become angry and detached when I have left and will just completely ignore me for some months (four months was the longest time) at a time (before we started living together). I would call her, email her, send her flowers- nothing, and then she will call me out of the blue and invite me out for dinner as if nothing has happened and we start over again. I can’t help my situation its just something I have to do. I tend to leave it until the last minute before I have to leave because I am so fearful that it will cause the end of our relationship. If my mother lived ‘across town’ so to speak it wouldn’t be a problem. Anyway my girl and I spent Christmas with her family and I had to leave again on the 28th Dec. ( I also had an opportunity to visit my daughter who was visiting her mother for a while- sadly my daughter had just been mugged/attacked and badly needed support- it’s a couple of years since I have seen her) to deal with some financial issues regarding my mother- I cant deal with them from here. Anyway I have returned (after 8 days) and my girl friend has completely detached herself again- she just comes and goes when she wants to- tells me nothing at all and wont look at me, she belittles me, she is organizing holidays now without me with her ‘girl friends’. She has joined a running club (which is fine) spends a lot of time on her lap top and or iphone. (My daughter is coming out here in April to look for work so she will finally meet my girl and her children- 2 boys in there late 20′s- thats the plan). I am so upset- I cry a lot, it’s affecting my life/my work etc. Yet she goes about her day as if nothing is wrong- movies with her girl friends etc. She has been married twice before, having left her first husband with the 2 boys (8 and 9 years at the time) and she has always done ‘the dumping’. I try to talk to her and she just sneers and says- your a man arent you- deal with it. She will be on the phone laughing etc while I’m in the same room and just completely ignore me, get her things together and off she goes out again. She has one son who has some psychological difficulties and elderly parents who need some care I have totally supported all this. She has had numerous other relationships and I just feel so insecure- I don’t know what to do, where to turn? My step mother physically and mentally abused me severly when I was a child- is this something I am allowing to happen in my relationships? I am so afraid that I am going to loose her, I could say so much more but I will have to ‘sign off now’. I just don’t know where to turn or what to do (I teach at a university by the way)?
Hi Lost,
I think anyone in your situation would feel this the same way you do. But I think you are doing the best thing by praying for a restored marriage, I also think you should seek a counsellor. Just as your husband sought a counsellor, you too need help to deal with this situation. In addition, we offer free and confidential mentoring. If you would like a mentor just fill out this form http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
I have been married for two years. It is my third marriage but I felt I finally had it right this time. After five months of marriage my husband told me he had an affair. The ugly truth then bubbled to the surface.He was sexually abused as a child and is a sex addict. He has been through extensive counseling on his own and with couples counseling and communication our marriage was improving. I was able to push out the negative thoughts of the infidelity. A year later, he was diagnosed with an STD. I was knocked to my knees AGAIN. I do not feel I can overcome this latest heartache. I have lost respect for my husband and our sex life suffers deeply. He states he needs intimacy. I dont think I can give it to him. I takes every thing I have to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for sex. I feel that I have married a fraud. He is working hard to improve our marriage but I have become cynical and emotionally guarded. I pray everyday for God to restore my marriage. I dont know what else to do.
David, it is absolutely inappropriate for your wife to be spending that kind of time with another man. Cheating has many forms and it doesn’t just have to be physical. In fact, most affairs start off emotional and lead to a physical relationship. She is in dangerous territory. Changing your appearance isn’t getting to the root of the problem. You mentioned going to therapy. That is the best solution – even if you are the only one who goes at first. There are obviously things you need to work out since you cheated on your wife. We at Power to Change are praying for you and your marriage. We also offer a free and private mentoring program where you can speak to someone further in private. If you are interested, please click here and you can get started today.
Help Im in this situation. I cheated on my wife along time ago. I feel really feel bad for doing this. I will go to no lengths to help her through but she has shut me down and given up she wants to separate but I am holding tight. she wont go to therapy because she feels she doesn’t have the problem. right now she is deciding whether to stay or go. How do I convince her to stay that I truly do love her. a year ago she had met a man from work he is 53 she is 37 she swears up and down they are just friends. they used to talk on a daily basis while I was at work and I feel she got emotionally attached she feels its ok to go to the movies, and hang out at his house to watch movies. I question if this an ok thing but I feel like she is cheating. I truly Love my wife and want her back. This friendship was started with deceit because she was hiding it. and she went to his home. what do I do she has totally locked me out and doesnt want to talk cause she feels like its not getting anything resolved. over the pas year I have been making severe changes in my appearance and my actions to show her that I am willing to change am I too late? Do I have a chance to fix our relationship on my own…please help me
To read about the experiences written here is very sad because I have been through nearly all of them, yet I survived. Survival is one road for one person and another for another person. There is availability for a one on one conversation with a mentor at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
I have been married to my husband for 11 years. We have 4 children under 8 years old. We both work full time. I am the one who has emotionally withdrawn. About a year ago he started accusing me of having an affair. My guess is that he was having an affair and felt guilty so he started checking my e-mail, facebook, cell phone. I offered several times to forgive him for whatever he had done, but he insisted that I was the one having an affair. I was working 50 hours a week, less than 1 mile from our house. If I wasn’t working then I was with our children. I never had an affair much less wanted to have one. Nothing ever came of our conversations about his accusals. Now I feel distant from him because of this. I have gotten to where I can’t even stand being around him. Everything he does irritates me. I dream about being alone quite a bit.
I googled “emotional detachment” and discovered this site. After reading all of the posts, I feel like part of a community. I’m not the only one in this kind of pain. Truth is, I’ve been searching for answers for years. Mostly in my own heart and mind. More recently on the internet. After 35 years of increasing emotional abandonment, and crying out to God for help, I believe he led me to a site about “Asperger’s Syndrome”. It’s a form of autism which causes a person to have difficulty with social interaction, empathy, intimacy etc. I read every book I could get my hands on because most of the symptoms described my husband to a “T”!!! I thought understanding the syndrome would help me to deal with him better. For a while, it helped to know that it was not that he “wouldn’t”, it was that he “couldn’t”! Intellectually I understand that “Aspies”, as they’re called, are neurologically atypical. They’re just not “wired” like we are. They don’t have “capacity” to be empathic or romantic or supportive or emotionally attached. Unfortunately, this is not something one can intellectualize or rationalize. Understanding it is one thing, living with it is a whole other thing. After 35 years of marital loneliness, it feels like I’m doomed to live out the rest of my life in this dungeon of a marriage. We are both christians, and I truly believe that nothing is impossible with God, but I’m convinced it’s gonna take a miracle! Every time I tell him (sometimes in tears) how I feel and what I need, I get more frustrated because he acts as if he doesn’t even have a clue what I’m talking about and there is NEVER any change. The children are grown and gone. We live in a beautiful home. All the bills are paid (he’s a GREAT provider), but there’s no love, no friendship, no romance, no sex (in 3 years), no emotinal support, no encouragement, no conversation….. I feel more like his maid, mother, sister or roommate than his wife. Why am I still here? Because I made a vow before God and a few hundred witnesses and because my retirement income will not afford me a decent lifestyle. Thanks for allowing me to vent. Wouldn’t dream of “outing” him to our family and church community.
I am a recovered acolholic and I thought throught he grace of god that I had that struggle behind me, but, now from reading these posts I realize that it is still ever so active in controling my relationship with my wife. She still is recovering from my struggle and blames me for just about everything. My son has a drug problem which may or may not be becasue of me. i hope it isn’t. My journey has reached a point where sexual abandonment is a very real thing. My wife sleeps in a seperate room which is VERY fruistrating to me. Its not about sex, its about companionship, having a warm body to curl up next to at night. I really miss that and have been thinking about finding someone who is not so emotionally damaged. It hurts me to think that I may have caused it, but, I just can’t spend the rest of my life alone like this. We’ve been married for 30 years and i thought it was strong enopugh to get over this. Thanks for letting me vent.
Dear Confused,
My question to you is, why are you with your boyfriend at this time? Do you have fun with him, does he make you laugh? What attracted you to him? Without the discussion of your feelings and what the other person means to you, you don’t have intimacy. Without intimacy a relationship cannot survive. Can you see the rest of your life with this boy? If not, it might be only fair to you and him to remain friends.
One wise person told me that you should never date “potential” meaning that if you can see potential in him but he is not there yet then maybe save your heart for someone else.
If you want, we offer free and confidential mentoring. If you would like a mentor go here and fill out the form.
http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
i feel that my BF can be emotionally attached sometimes, and i rarely feel like we ever ‘click’ when we’re in conversation. he’ll always veer the conversation to something irrelevant. i’ve asked him about his feelings, but he’s said that feelings screwed him over, and now he just doesn’t care anymore. well, i’m starting to think that feelings are screwing ME over, because instead of leaving him, i keep wondering how he is going to feel about my leaving. it will be so sudden. i am the ‘best thing that ever happened to him.’ he tells me all the time, and has not done anything to hurt me… except for being so distant! anytime i want to sit down and talk, there always has to be some distraction (the TV is a big one). this person has abused substances and has a sketchy relationship history (entirely unlike me). i drink and smoke marijuana very occasionally, but i don’t like the marijuana.
Thanks for letting me share.
-Confused
A WARNING ABOUT THE USE OF VIAGRA
For years my husband secretly hid his use of the “pill for sexual enhancement” called Viagra. Here is my warning: His secret created an emotional detachment and abandonment between us that I have not recovered from. While he was secretly using the drug, sex with him was awful for me, but I did not know why. I finally ended up moving to another bedroom and refusing to have sex with him out of my feelings of disgust towards him.
It has been years now since I discovered his secret, but he is still incapable of understanding or apologizing for the damaging impact his actions created. There is no understanding between us when it comes to what he did to us. When I think about the betrayal; the many nights of wondering what was wrong with him; why he was not a healthy sexual partner for me; and even how he injected the chemicals of Viagra into my body, I feel how heartbroken I truly am. If I had not discovered his secret he would still be using the drug and I would have lived on wondering why I felt so emotionally abandoned by my husband.
Karen, thank you for the encouragement. Do you have children? What they have missed in terms of a loving father upsets me more than the fact that I have not had the relationship I want/need with my husband. I have decided to wait until the first of the year to tell him I want out. With my grief over losing my Mom and these first holidays without her (plus her birthday Nov 29), my counselor said I didn’t need the extra stress of telling my husband I’ve decided to end this legal entity…I don’t even want to call it a marriage because it certainly has not been what I think a marriage should be. I had already decided to wait, and the counselor comfirmed it was best.
I have learned a good bit about why he is like he is…childhood issues as well…and even his six iblings wonder about him b/c he never contacts or sees any of them – and we all live in the same town – except for holidays. We will go to one of his brothers’ tomorrow…Thanksgiving. I just don’t see how most of them seem to be able to have ‘normal’ relationships but he can’t. I do know it is not my fault, I can’t fix him, and I am not willing to invest more time on the outside chance that he may decide to go to counseling. I hope he will so that maybe one day he can have a real relationship with his kids. Barring a part-the-red sea, raise-Lazarus-from-the-dead miracle from God, I’m done. It’s too late for us. I hope that you will somehow be able to have a blessed Thanksgiving – we DO still have many things to be thankful for – and put your pain aside for a little while. This is a cyber hug to you from me – {{{Karen}}}
Liv,
Your situation sounds so similar to mine. After almost 20 years together we are getting a divorce because of his intimacy issues and total emotional detachment from me and our family. My therapist told me it is not me but him – he cannot form emotional relationships as he has not learned to function inside a family, nor does family matter to him (due to childhood issues etc). I feel for you and I hope you too will consider therapy and find the calm to deal with this horrible emotional abuse. I am still struggling but trying hard to deal with this endless pain. God gives me strength and I hope He can do the same for you and your family,
We have been married 27 years and I’ve done all I know to do, pleaded, written letter, cried, fought and threatened to leave. Nothing has helped. His emotionally distant; has nothing to do with his grown children from his first marriage; our oldest son doesn’t think his dad loves him;the youngest struggles with seeing God as his heavenly father because he has never experienced a relationship with his earthly father. He quit going on vacations with us 6 or 7 years ago; stayed on second shift for 10 year – the vast majority of the boys’ life – I basically raised them alone, took care of the house, finances, etc. During a meal the boys and I will be talking and laughing and he never says a word unless someone directs a question to him. My mom died 5 months ago and he has never said anything to me about it other than ‘what are you going to do with her car’ cause he wants it. Eight years ago I told him I didn’t think I loved him anymore and he brushed me off with ‘oh, you’re just upset.’ I finally have quit trying to reason with him or carry a conversation with him, so now we don’t talk. Our youngest is off at college and I am NOT living this coexistence the next 20 or 30 years. I just started counseling and was told to make a decision about staying or leaving. I can’t believe it has come to this. I once loved him so much, but his apathy and emotional distance has slowly killed that love and our marriage as well. I know what God says of divorce, but like my counselor said, adultery can take many forms, and his mistress has been his work and his sports. He has given his family nothing of himself. Nothing.
Note to ‘also lonely’: I totally understand about your kids and your guilt. I felt the same way…that I had deprived mykids of having a loving father. But it is NOT our fault sister. At all. I hope to get my boys into counseling, too, so maybe they can get help before these issues affect their entire lives.
After reading all of these I can only say look at yourselves, find out if your truely happy and the relationship is making you a better person. Everyone has the right to be happy so please do some soul searching and ask God for strength to do the things that need to be done even if it might be the one thing you tried the hardest not to do.
God bless you all.
Hi
Now I have not been married for years and years like most of you but we have been together for 4 years. We have had our bumps and bruises but have always managed our way thru. I totally admit that it was my behaviour in most cases in the begginning of our relationship that caused the start of our problems. My girl is a sweetheart and I know shes the one and I love her to death. My friends and family feel i deserve better and maybe sometimes i do deserve to be treated better but the stress i have caused with different situations i take total responsibility for. We were doing really well upto a week or so ago and then I found out 2 really important things that she was keeping from me one she cancelled our night out to go party with her long ago ex and then he called the police on me when i was doing nothing but lieing on the couch at home. We got thru that some how. Then I was approached by a mutual friend that my girl was handing out another cell phone number and was telling people not to give it to me. I sat on that for a few days and then I brought the subject up as i want to be honest with her good or bad. well i never got an apology, all i got was rage from her and her blaming me that she had to get that secret phone and she asked (yelled) at me to leave the house So i did. I did call her 1 hour after and she told me to leave her alone. the next day i was hospitaliized because i had a bad reaction to a medication i had just started taking. I called her to come to the hospital for me and she refused, she was angry with me and demanded to know where I found out the information. I told her where i did as im not hiding anything from her ever again as that got me into alot of trouble years back. She would not pick me up at the hospital and I had to take a cab toa friends house. I never heard from her that day. The following day when i was feeling better i walked over to the house and she was just leaving for work. She was still angry and told me not to come around the house anymore or she would call the police, i was in shock. We hugged and gave a kiss on the cheek and she drove to work. I called and left her 2 messages on her home phone and then went upto my parents place for the weekend to get away from this mysterious situation. The next morning at my parents the phone rings and its the police, they tell me she has requested i dont call text or come to the house. Everything in the house is practically mine!!! Now she wont communicate at all. I know I know I’m crazy but I really truly love this girl. Even though these things have happened I still love her to the core. How do I get her to talk to me, without having the police charging me. We went thru this once before but we worked thru it, its alot different this time though it seems. How do I talk to my girl and how do I get her heart back into a great relationship. We have 3 young kids, none together but we treat them as they are. Any guidance is appreciated, I apologize i;m not a religious person so turning to the lord doesnt really help me, no offence to anyone. Thankyou for your time
Has anybody heard of the Book called “The 5 Love Languages”by Gary Chapman?I know a lot of married couples who have gotten this book to work on their relationships.. I even got one.Its a great eyeopener…
Im single and feel sad for all of you.Being single in itself is very lonely and lack of communication and all you describe happen to me..I get every excuse in the world why you cant commit..phones calls get less..no time for seeing each other..Its seems that single men..even with children from my experience want all I have and don’t want to share what they have..A recent man told me he wants me to show him what I can do for him and he doesn’t do nothing for me???What happen to the romance,the chase,wanting to please a women,being a gentlemen..I’m old school…Are those days gone??Don’t men know that if you please me..not in a sexual way,treat me well, that’s the key that unlocks a women’s heart to submit to him, wanting to please him…It’s just that way…It’s no happy day being single either…
My wife excluded intimacy 10 weeks ago and moved to the spare room for sleeping 2 weeks ago. Although I’ve tried to change for the better according to my ‘problems’, nothing seems to move her to return to our room. She has been in therapy for nearly a year to resolve anger issues regarding her deceased mother and now I’m on the list. I’ve admitted to having been emotionally distant in the past and made significant changes to be more affectionate. When I’ve suggested couples counciling, I’m told to go for it on my own – she’s too busy with her own therapy. Every move away seems for a specific reason but it seems a one way street – can’t move closer, only further away. I’m starting therapy myself to just deal with the loneliness and abandonment. We’re still living together (32yrs married) but it seems we’ll not last long. Can’t even say how things will be day to day much less the holidays only weeks away. Incredibly sad and alone.
Dear “I hear what your saying”:
I had to re-read your post as I thought it came directly from me! You described my life to a T.
Over the past year though I have found myself preparing to leave the marriage: building my life with others, seeing a counselor, saying the words out loud “I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. I want something different”, re-financing the house for more affordable payments so I can make it on my salary alone, and now staying at hotel for a week to “prove” to myself that I can separate from him and still function.
I am nervous and scared. The bonus is taking charge of my life and paving the way for a more fulfilling life without him.
It’s easy to blame the booze but it does seem to ruin relationships or the potential for rebuilding relationships.
Good luck to every woman out there who is thinking of making a better life for herself. You deserve it. You can do it.
I have been married 15 years, together for 18 and have 2 children. My Husband is an alcoholic and has been increasingly worse over time. Although ther are no major mood changes and he is fully functional I cannot find it in me to accept it. My heart sinks to the ground with every sip he takes and my temperature rises with every empty I find hidden around the house…even more so when its the kids that find it. i have expressed my concerns many times over but it only leads to a very hostile argument….its not up for discussion. I feel that my husband would rather drink than spend time with me, not to mention he spends 90% of the nights on the recliner in recroom, drinks anything I might of bought for myself and has no interest in intimacy. (3 times in a year). I have found that in the last year that i have emotionally disconnected…not only with him but with everyone. I’ve become one cold turkey…an unhappy one.
I am at the end of my rope as well. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He originally left me once before we were married which was devestating. I decided to go forth and marry him, we became truck drivers (happiest time of my life) and were in an accident that was his fault, I was down for two years and finally went back to work. When I finally did, the jobs became horrific for me as they were in an office. I started having generalized anxiety in December of this last year and he has not been supportive. I get no hugs, no reassurance, just him telling me to get over it and deal with it. I have told him how I feel, that I need a little more support from him, offered therapy and been told that “he doesnt want a wife in therapy” and that I have gone crazy. I see a therapist but wont take the medication as I am going thru a process of change and emotional growth and fear I am going to be doing this alone for the rest of my time. I am getting to the part where I just dont care anymore and frankly dont have the energy to.
I too feel at my wits end. We have been married 30 years. I feel most of those years have been a struggle. He is an alcoholic and has been for several years. What hurts the most is the fact I feel I have not been fair to my children by bringing them up in this atmosphere. I feel totally abandoned by him and my kids say the same thing. I feel like there is a total disregard by him for our feelings. Don’t know what to do at this point. I have lost all fondness for him. I didn’t want this to happen but it has and the bad part is I no longer really care.
I empathize with you greatly. I am in a similar situation. My husband is an emergency responder and has PTSD and will NOT get help. Further more everything is my fault according to him. Talking is out of the question. So I definitely understand where you are coming from. I have been trying to find my way to deal with this emotional detachment. God is our only option. We can only change ourselves – not others. May God be with all of us in these situations. Good Luck!
I’ve been together with my spouse for 29 years. We have had difficulties for 22 years. For me divorce was never an option, although we separated for 6 months because of his alcoholism. He has been sober for 7 years now, but there has been emotional abandonment and he we haven’t been intimate for 5 years; sexual or otherwise. He has been on anti depressants for 11 years and I realize has numbed him of emotions – there is a huge detachment. Although he says he wants to be married there is no effort on his part to engage in any kind of intimacy. I personally have delved into being a godly woman and seek God’s word constantly and have received complete healing and matured greatly in the word over the last three years. However, my husband, although a professed christian, refuses to participate in seeking God’s guidance – for instance I have invited him to read the same books that I have read that has brought about healing and restoration in my life. I honestly don’t know what to do any longer. I have laid my marriage at the foot of the cross and I can do no more. If God doesn’t perform a miracle I feel that I just don’t have the energy to continue down this path. I will add that we have four children and 3 grandchildren and they have experienced this same detachment. I have begged him to come off the anti-depressants which I firmly believe is a major culprit but I also think he needs counseling on his own but he feels he doesn’t need it. There is a deeper root considering he became an alcoholic in his teens and became sober at 33 for 15 years and then started back for 4 years and now has been sober again for 7 years. My husband is a good man and has struggled to start a new career over the last 8 years but I have to tell you that his refusal to reconnect with his wife and children is at a boiling point. Please help.
Emotional detachment, in psychology, can mean two different things:
1. Emotional detachment in the first sense above often arises from psychological trauma and is a component in many anxiety and stress disorders. The person, while physically present, moves elsewhere in the mind, and in a sense is “not entirely present”, making them sometimes be seen as preoccupied or distracted. In other cases, the person may seem fully present but operate merely intellectually when emotional connection would be appropriate. This may present an extreme difficulty in giving or receiving empathy and can be related to the spectrum of narcissistic personality disorder.
2. Emotional detachment in the second sense above is a positive and deliberate mental attitude which avoids engaging the emotions of others. It is often applied to relatives and associates of people who are in some way emotionally overly demanding. A simple example might be a person who trains himself to ignore the “pleading” food requests of a dieting spouse. A more widespread example could be the indifference parents develop towards their children’s begging. It is not to be confused with being wilfully cold or unpleasant, because it is a positive mental attitude.
This detachment does not mean avoiding the feeling of empathy; it is actually more of an awareness of empathetic feelings that allows the person space needed to rationally choose whether or not to be overwhelmed or manipulated by such feelings.