You and your husband have been continually on my heart. God knows I long to have the right words, to proclaim the truth boldly and clearly, and that the door would be open for His message to be received. All my hope is in Him! Our Lord Jesus is mighty to save! He is able and willing!

This weekend I have been reading a book called “The Meaning of Marriage” by Timothy Keller. A passage in chapter one struck me as being right to share with you:

“Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic [of our culture] that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become ‘whole’ and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person.
“We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is … learning to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married” (Hauerwas in Keller, p. 38).

Keller goes on to say, “Hauerwas shows that the quest for a perfectly compatible mate is an impossibility. Marriage brings you into more intense proximity to another human being than any other relationship can. Therefore, the moment you marry someone, you and your spouse begin to change in profound ways, and you can’t know ahead of time what those changes will be. So you don’t know, you can’t know, who your spouse will actually be in the future until you get there.”

The beauty of loving our spouses and they us, even the strangers that we become, is that this reflects God’s relationship with us. His perfect, unconditional, unrelenting, untiring love! His compassion! His grace! The journey with Him as He uses our marriages to bless us, teching us to love as He does, requires us to “makes changes that you don’t want to make” but they are always and everywhere, without exception, for our good!

It is through the fiery trials, even when they are seven times hotter than we could have anticipated (see Daniel 3:19), we learn that God is nearer to us than we ever imagined, and not only willing but ABLE to preserve us! He will get us through when there is NO WAY we can survive, and He will do so, I only pray for faith to serve no other God but Him.

I know this is not what you asked me to write about, but my prayer for your husband today is this:

Then Sally’s husband said, “Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! Sally’s faith erupted into my heart, she trusted in the Lord and defied the enemy who wanted to bring about divorce and was willing to give up her life rather than serve or worship any god except our own God. Thanks be to God, the fiery trial that was set to destroy us has not harmed us, not even a hair of our heads was singed! We have been delivered from the furnace, not scorched and not even a smell of the fire remains! God has made all things new, even our love, affection and appreciation of one another! God has given me new eyes to see my wife, to behold her as she really is in the sight of the Lord, beloved, precious and clothed in beauty! Many women have done noble things, but there is none like her. My delight is in her.”

Our God is an awesome God and He is with you! Put your faith and trust in Him, and He will do this, He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn and the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Blessings in Jesus’ name,
Kate

Thank you for your honesty! I too have struggled with intellectual assent to some scripture passages, but by God’s grace have learned that He can handle all the toughest questions, the harshest accusations, even outright rage and fury, as long we are honest in our hearts toward Him and open to hearing what He has to say about it all, and most especially to hearing what He has to say about us. We often think that what He has to say about us is the last thing we want to hear, since we are perpetually prone to denial and rationalization! However, the beauty of God, as He has made Himself known in the Lord Jesus Christ, is that He acts toward us in mercy. His Word to us, even when it is rebuking, disciplining, teaching, demanding or painful, is always only a word of mercy and truth for our good, because of who He is!

One thing I have found greatly intellectually satisfying and spiritually freeing is to understand that the gospel of Jesus Christ is not a moral corrective. The root problem of fallen humanity is not our morality or immorality (it makes no difference whether I am a morally very, very good person or a very, very bad person, either way I am a sinner who needs the Saviour!). Thus, our root problem is that we are dead in sin and condemned, and yet refuse to grip onto our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ by faith. God has done everything on our behalf, for our present and eternal good, only we so often refuse to believe Him. Our Sin, therefore, is our unbelief. Because we refuse to believe God is good and desires only to care for us as our perfect Father, we set about to be lord of our own lives. What a mess we then make! O, the pain we cause ourselves and those we love! Thank God that His grace is sufficient to overcome even this! We need only admit our need of Him, that is the only fitness He requires.

After all, God is not a set of documents or a series of doctrines. Jesus is a person, your Savior and mine, who desires your heart, as well as your head, and He will never weary or rest in His pursuit of you, nor will He resent questions or rejections or betrayals. After Peter had denied Him three times, He did not say to Peter, “Are you sorry? Will you promise never to do it again? Do you see why you were wrong? Why didn’t you listen when I warned you? Do you understand better now?” No, none of that crossed Jesus’ lips. All He asked was, “Do you love Me?” Listen when He speaks, I pray.

God bless!
Kate

Hi Kate, just wanted to take a couple of min to let you know where I’m at with all this. I want to let you know that I appreciate your advice in this difficult time, but when it comes to religion, I don’t believe.

I grew up in a Christian home, went to Sunday School, was a Alter boy in my teens,went through the whole conformation process, followed my parents to what ever church function that was happening. Church was a big part of life growing up and I never questioned it.

Then I moved out on my own and I didn’t have my parents pushing me to go to church and I didn’t feel the need to go. I did still go with my parents when I returned home, but that was about it. At this point I still believed everything the bible had to say, even if I didn’t attended services regularly.

I guess around the age of 32 I started asking questions, where do I stand in life? whats this all about? I started to look not only at my own religion but religions from all around the world. Am I just a Christian becuase I was born into a Christian family?…If I was born in India, would I be a Hindu? If I was born in the middle east, would I be Muslim? Did I really have a choice of what I was suppose to be? Which religion has it right? With millions of different followers all around the world, they all can’t be right?….but when speaking to the ones i did…each one had as a strong will that their belief was the right one, just as strong as the next…that to confused me.

So it came down to..what is right for me. I’m an adult now and I wanted to believe in something…So I stuck with what I knew..Christianity. I actually went to a local pastor and talked with him about certain things in the bible that I didn’t agree with. We had a back and forth for almost 2 years before I made my decision.

In the end, the bible has alot of things that I don’t agree with in regards to how certain minorities are treated,life styles, to the more archaic beliefs like in the old testament, knowing that alot of the people follow the king james version. But alot of the beliefs overlap. Beliefs that I just can’t accept as a good person, I know they are wrong.

I asked my pastor that if I really wanted to be accepted by my religion, do I have to follow, even the things that I disagree with it?! Know that today..alot of the more modern followers don’t follow some of the older views, such as eating shellfish, the right to slavery, the right to sell you daughter, stonings, etc.

In the end, its up to the God almighty to deem how fit we are in regards to well we followed his word. Its up to the individual to choose what he or she beliefs…but my question was still steady.”Can I be a true follower if I don’t belief everything the bible says?”. He said in the end..I guess not.

That was the beginning that sent me on a quest to look more into , just not my religion but others…and what I found were alot of the things I never knew about, verses that alot of people skim over or are rather taboo, more or less understood but not spoken about. Conflicting beliefs even within the realm of Christianity, from Mormons, to Pentecostal, Catholic, each with large variations in their core beliefs. Speaking to different believers, each one said without doubt that, theirs were the right one.

In the end…I didn’t like any of the answers that people were giving me. Don’t get me wrong, there are some good advice within the bible..but there are some nasty stuff there too that contradicts alot of “being good”. If I have to belief the bad parts of the bible and accept that…I can’t live with myself knowing that..it just doesn’t seem right. Something in me..knows that its not right to be that way.

It was during that time..that left my religion. So your advice that you give, I appreciate..I really do. But when it comes to believing in a God, or Jesus, or Ali, or Vishnu and praying…I have just as must comfort in believing in myself, that I have the will power to overcome, that my inner thoughts will get me through this. Saying that there is a God behind that confuses me,, since I ask, which God?..how do you know its your god and not someone elses?..perhaps its not a god and its just free will, my own mind inner thoughts, working how it should?

So I appreciate and I am not trying to minimize your help, but I just can’t seek solace in a God, or Gods, from any part of the world. But I know people believe what they want..what works for someone doesn’t always work for someone else. That’s just life..we are all different..I hope that despite our differences, we can all still help each other and get along.

All the best to everyone here and the troubling times that we are ahead, but stay strong, think positive, be positive, tell yourself that it can only get better, above all …be happy with yourself and happiness with others will follow.

I have read your latest post and will seek the Lord before responding fully. I want to pray for you now:

Dear Lord, thank You that Sally is a woman after Your own heart. Thank You for her faith and for her willingness to wait on You. Please continue to give her grace to hear You as lead her forward, and I pray the same for her husband. Holy Spirit I ask that You will minister to each of them and shine light into any dark places, so that the truth might be known and Your will be done! In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen

Grace and peace to you,
Kate

With the Lord Jesus, it is not too late. In John chapter 11 it is written that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days when Jesus called him back to life. Further, Jesus had been in the grave for three days when our heavenly Father resurrected Him from the dead. In other words, even what looks ‘final’, as if it is really ‘the end’, can be transformed. NOTHING is beyond fixing. God can do anything. The questions that remain, therefore, are: Do you trust Him? Are you willing to be humble before Him and obedient to His instructions as He guides you forward?

Also, is your heart hard? Remember, God permits divorce when our hearts are hard, but it is not right and certainly should not be regarded as the only or best option. Respecting your wife is essential, but it is not ‘all’ you can do. You can seek the Lord and see how He will guide you, shape you, change you, and in the process see changes in your circumstances. It is certainly not about making her do anything, but actually wooing her as the Lord leads you forward in forgiveness and restoration. God is pleased by our faith, and tells us repeatedly that when we are weak, He is strong, so it is not about us becoming ‘stronger’ or ‘happier’ – it is about increasing our faith in Him! He is the source of our joy and peace!

If we do not want to seek God or obey Him, that is one thing, but neither should we seek the false comfort of excuses. If you are afraid, it is to Him you must turn!!! It is in Him and His plan and His purpose you must trust! Try reading Joshua chapter 1 and see how the Lord instructs you.

God bless!
Kate

I appreciate the kind words. But it is too late, like a wild fire that is outta control, it doesn’t wait around to be put out.

But I take ease in the fact that we both are in agreement, that it is the end. True unconditional love is wanting my wife to be happy. If that means she has to be without me,…than so be it. Im sure one day I will look back on this and say,” That was the right thing to do, I am a better person for it and so is my Ex” But for right now….its hurts like hell.

I’ve already started the process of moving out, we are being very respectful of each others feelings and opened to conversation if either of us want to talk a little more. But not about how we can fix it, becuase to her…its beyond fixing…she is done. She does not want too….all I can do is respect that decision. We are in the end, our own people..I can’t make her do something she doesn’t want to do..and I never would think of doing such a thing.

I’m scared and frighten, and a soup of other emotions flow through me every min of the day. But with each day, its closer and closer to being healed.
Here’s to all of us being stronger and happier people from all of this, regardless which direction life happens to us.

Thank you

I wrote a note to you on January 6, but for some reason it is still ‘awaiting moderation.’ I wrote to you then and I will say again now that I do not believe it is too late. The Lord Jesus can do miracles. He makes beautiful things out of the dust! Out of ashes He can raise new life! The marriage that you and your wife see as dead and beyond hope, He can breathe new life into it. Even the things that seem totally ‘irreconcilable’ like her desire for kids and your lack of desire for kids He can work out to perfection. Truly!

You speak about wanting your wife to be happy, which is noble, but I will submit to you that there is a big difference between happiness and joy. I am not trying to be nitpicky, but the Bible has a lot to say about joy and joy is ours to receive from the Lord, regardless of circumstances. Happiness has to do with circumstances. Just like you mentioned, you want her be happy, so you consider the possibility that she might be ‘happy’ divorced from you and together with someone else. Joy, on the other hand, comes from seeing the Lord do miracles and knowing Him, knowing His love, His mercy, His grace and His faithfulness. Joy comes when you believe that with Him, nothing is impossible and all things can be worked together for good.

Have you and your wife accepted Jesus as Savior and Lord? He is the one who created you both, and He is the one who knows both of your hearts perfectly. He can lead you both forward through these stormy times, and I submit that He can lead you together. It is not His will for husband and wife to divorce.

Peace to you!

Kate