Comments on: Emotional Abandonment: Shut out by your spouse

By: Barbara Alpert

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 19:26:18 +0000

Dear Reba,

So sorry to hear about the relational breakup that you are currently facing between you and your husband. At times anger is a good thing for it allows the other individual that their misconduct is not acceptable and that their choices have actually hurt us dearly as in the case of your husband leaving the family unit and having and affair. However, it is good to hear that you have been effectively dealing with the hurt, anger, forgiveness issues, and even owning up to your part of the problem. Truly, God has been working on your heart through all this and trust that He will also work on your husband’s heart as well as you continue to pray on his behalf. The Bible says, “The righteous cry out, and the Lords hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:17-18)

You mentioned that you both have been emotionally distance for at least 10 months previously. Did something take place that caused this emotional tear between the two of you? Do you think your husband would be open to seeking some marital counseling that would help to rebuild your commitment to one another?

At this time I would like to pray for you:

Father God, I pray on behalf of Reba and her husband. I ask that You would continue to work in Reba’s heart and allow her to continue to build solid relationships with You and those around her. I ask that Your Holy Spirit would begin to work in her husband’s heart in making him aware of Reba’s love for him and the desire to see his return. I pray that You would give Reba the right words to use when speaking to her husband regarding this situation and the possibility of working things out. I believe that You desire and love to see marriages thrive and I ask that You work within this marriage in bringing them back together. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen

By: Reba

Reba — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 21:52:21 +0000

This is what happened to my marriage. We’ve been married for 22 years and my husband unexpectedly walked out 9 months ago. We had been emotionally distance for at least 10 months previously, but I was actively looking forward to reconnecting last summer when our kids were gone. I talked about it a lot and looked forward it, I think it was too much pressure and my husband left the day our kids left for the summer and we were supposed to start our alone time. He also started an affair the month he left. I was really angry for months afterwards and his detachment was complete probably based on my anger. Now he is hardly there for our two kids and we rarely communicate. It’s very much out of character because he was an actively involved parent. I’ve worked on myself a lot and have sent him a letter owning my part of the demise of our relationship. I was emotionally distant from him also, but I never wanted out of our marriage. I think I could forgive his affair and I desperately want my family back. But I don’t know how to ever reconnect with him again. We’ve not talked about getting a divorce, we just don’t talk about much anymore. I feel like my old self in many ways now and it’s good. My anger has dissipated in many ways and all other relationships in my life have thrived. I just miss my husband and want us to heal together.

By: Kate

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 21:14:28 +0000

Dear Betsy,

My heart goes out to you. It seems like a confusing and very difficult situation. It is very tough to be vulnerable and then feel rejected or put off. I want to pray for you now:

Dear Lord, thank You for Betsy. Thank You for the hard work she has done in reflecting on her own past and for her desire to make her marriage work. I pray that You would continue to lead her and guide her, to show her the way forward, and for her trust in You to grow. Lord, so often we think we know what is best and when, but one thing I have learned is that Your plan is greater. I pray for Betsy to experience an increase in faith, and for You to draw her closer to Yourself, to learn to rely upon You. I pray also for her husband, since You know his heart and care for him. Please help them to be sensitive and compassionate toward one another, to be patient and to endure, and to keep running the race that is before them and not give up. I pray this in Jesus’ name, thank You Father. Amen.

Betsy, we have private online mentors available to encourage you through this season and to pray for you. If you like, a mentor will contact you via email. Here is the link: http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/

Betsy, if anyone knows your pain, it is Jesus.

He was despised and rejected by men;
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
(Isaiah 53:3 ESV)

Do you trust Jesus to care for you? He will never lead you astray and will never have mixed feelings about you. He loves you and is always with you, and desires to be closer in relationship with you.

Many blessings,

Kate

By: Betsy

Betsy — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 02:04:01 +0000

My husband and I have been apart for three years trying to make the marriage work and fix a lot of past hurts. I have finally arrived at a place where I am ready to be in the marriage and I have apologized to him for many situations which happened in the past that I believe were very much my fault, but I was too angry at the time to see and understand the full picture. He begged me to work on myself, and I have. He knows I have changed, but at the same time, now that I am willing to start the marriage again, HE is feeling outrage and pushing back, saying very hurtful things and changing his mind on a day to day basis. He wanted this marriage for years and supported me, but now that I’m ready, is emotionally distant and tell me he has changed his mind about wanting to be with me…which he will take back a few days later. In order to be with him, I have to move across the country into his apartment, so it’s a big deal as we no longer live in the same city due to his work transfer. Anyway, it’s so hurtful to talk with him on the phone and hear him not want to explain any details of his day other than exactly what he did for maybe 5 minutes, and then get off the phone, not allowing for any real connection to take place. All I can do is pray and hope he can reconnect with his desire and love for me that lasted up until very recently, when I made the commitment to be with him and to quit my job and relocate..

By: Brenda Miller

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 20:43:51 +0000

Adam, thank you for sharing the pain that your wife’s behaviour choices are creating deep in your heart. I am very well aware of how hurtful it is when one’s spouse turns away from the commitments made at the altar for selfish reasons, and I am deeply sorry that you are experiencing such wounding. Would you consider speaking to your pastor to receive counsel, as well as support and encouragement for yourself at this tremendously difficult time in your life and marriage?

Most of all, Adam, if your wife is refusing to communicate with you, and she is not indicating that her behaviour is acting out based on any upset in the home for which you are able to make amends,(please understand that I am in no way suggesting that it is appropriate to sin and place the blame on anyone other than ourselves), I urge you to do everything possible to avoid isolating and to care for your spiritual needs as the Lord Jesus guides you to do through His indwelling Holy Spirit as you continue to seek Him. I encourage you to continue drawing close to God and relying on Him to sustain you, for truly, He is your Anchor and your Rock and your ever-present Help in this time of trouble. Please feel free to go to the following link and request the help of one of our online mentors, as well, if you would like to do so, and someone will contact you securely and confidentially:

http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/

By: Adam

Adam — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 07:15:43 +0000

Brenda, my 39 year old wife’s issue has little to do with any loss that may have occurred as a child. The fact of the matter is she has a new career, making quite a bit of money as a drug rep, out in the field. Her new independence has empowered her to want freedom to go out late at night drinking with friends, while lying to me, shutting me out, and leaving me at home to raise our children. Any negative feelings from me, cause her to lash out… possibly from guilt? or maybe coping with denial? Regardless, my children and I are collateral damage. I pray that God softens her heart and brings her to her senses before this gets really ugly.

By: Brenda Miller

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 16:58:10 +0000

Adam, I am sorry to hear that you are having this pain in your marriage. Are you aware of anything in your wife’s past that could be triggering her to be fearful of your sadness? Is there some significant sense of loss there that could lead her to link your sadness to something deeply painful? Only by being able to draw her out will the two of you be able to resolve this issue, Adam, and that will probably take great patience on your part, as well as much reassurance on your part of your love for your wife, as well as your willingness to walk with her through whatever she is experiencing that is leading her to react in anger to your feelings of sadness. Let her know that no matter what the problem is that is creating her pain, you love her and desire to work it through because you love her and are committed to your marriage for eternity. However, it is so important for your own health, Adam, as well as for the health of the marriage, that you do not bury your emotions.

You mention, Adam, that Scripture and prayer are the only things keeping you from falling off the deep end at this point. Do you have a pastor with whom you could share your pain and from whom you could seek counsel? Also, if you would like to speak individually to a mentor on our site, please feel free to go to the following link, and someone will contact you privately and confidentially:

http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/

I pray that you and your wife are able to get to the root of what is bothering her and creating a wall between the two of you, Adam.

By: Adam

Adam — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 16:23:59 +0000

I read the article and was shocked at how accurately portrays my relationship with my wife of 18 years. Recently, she has become completely emotionally detached from me for reasons unknown and I am having a terrible time dealing with it. She acts like everything is just fine until I mention that I am sad; at which time she lashes out and threatens divorce. She keeps asking me if I am “OK” but threatens divorce if my answer is anything but “Yes”. So now, I have to lie (which I hate doing!) about my feelings to placate her. We have three beautiful little children and I love my wife and do not want to lose her or have my family broken up. Prayer and Scripture have been the only thing keeping me from falling off the deep end. Any advice, help, counsel, ANYTHING is appreciated!

By: Jamie

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 18:04:02 +0000

That is so cool Russell; it takes real honesty to be open to how I contribute to the problems in relationships. I am praying that your kitchen table meeting leads to radical changes in your marriage.

Heavenly Father, I pray for Russell and his wife as they embark on this journey of mutual honesty and connection. I ask that You would help Russell to communicate effectively how he has contributed to the detachment in their marriage. I pray that his wife would be able to hear and understand what he is saying and that would help her to recognize her own contribution. Guide them to new depths in their love for one another and bind their hearts together in love and openness. Amen

By: Russell

Russell — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 04:28:33 +0000

Found your article with a simple Google search born from near absolute despair: ‘why is my wife so detached?’. After reading the entire article it was clear to me that i too am a major contributor to our mutual detachment. Before reading I would have readily laid all of the blame on my wife. Now a different perspective has opened before me. Thank you for that and for the outlined steps for me follow. Despair has now given way to hope as I look forward to inviting her to our first kitchen table meeting.