His analogy is all wrong because people are not books. You are not the same person that he married. Life has changed you and there is much that your husband will discover about you if he is willing to make the effort to know you and take the risks in being known by you.

I think a far better prayer is that your husband would awaken to the beauty of two lives growing and maturing together in unity and love. There is comfort in the safety and familiarity of that love but it is not boring. There are new discoveries that will help both of you to become more than you ever could by yourself or you ever could leaping from one new relationship to another. Pray that God would lead you to creative new ways of knowing your husband so that you can see him as he really is and love him in spite of his weaknesses. Those prayers are in line with God’s plan for you and are prayers that He will answer.

I can ‘hear’ the pain and frustration in your post. We are all worthy of love, respect, affection and attention. It sounds like you have been running on empty in all of these categories for a long while. My heart goes out to you.

I want to assure you that there is hope, real hope, hope that is solid, firm, unchanging and sufficient to get you through even this:

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
(Hebrews 4:14-16 ESV)

You are clearly in need, and the changes that we pray to see in your husband – that he would rise up to be the respected head of your household, that he would love you as Christ loves the church, that he would treat you and your children as precious and beloved, his greatest treasure in this life – are not likely to happen overnight. BUT you do not have to wait to be fulfilled. Talk to Jesus, feel His gentle touch, get to know Him, introduce your kids to Him, see how He is endlessly doing everything for you for the sake of His love for you, be changed by knowing that He died for you…

I think that as you develop your relationship with Jesus you will find (as I found in my own situation) that your heart will soften toward your husband. You may want to scream back at me now “Why should I soften? He is the problem?!” or some other retort — but don’t take it from me, experience Jesus for yourself and see the miracles He will work out in your heart, in your household, in your husband and in your marriage.

God is with you and for your family. Please post again anytime to let us know how we can continue praying for you.

Blessings,
Kate

I am so, so sorry to hear about your long ordeal. I have never heard a story of such terrible rejection from day one. How have you coped? Do you have extended family, a church family or friends that have supported you? Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus? Honestly, I cannot imagine the feelings you must have experienced. My heart also breaks as I contemplate the terrible pain your husband must be hiding from. As I picture him, down in the basement, I picture a little boy, afraid and thinking he is unable to cope. O, how he needs the Saviour to pull him up out of the pit, to cleanse him, to dress him in fresh robes of righteousness and clothe him in salvation! (Read Isaiah, especially chapter 61). I imagine him as a child, the good boy and wonderful man and husband that God designed him to be as God knit him together in his mother’s womb…and I wonder what lies, what chains are holding that wonderful man and husband captive? Let me pray:

Dear Lord Jesus, You know EVERYTHING about Amy and her husband. You see the pain and You see the lists of “impossible” that they have both written in their heads. I pray Lord for MIRACLES in their HEARTS, because You are LORD, holy and almighty and Your word says NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. Give them faith to believe, ears to hear what the Spirit is saying and eyes to see Your resurrection power at work in their lives. With You there is ALWAYS hope, always. Thank You Father for hearing and answering these prayers in Jesus’ holy name. Amen.

Amy, please feel free to request a mentor who would be glad to walk with you, to encourage you and to pray for your needs. Here is the link: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

I will, of course, continue to pray for you and your husband. I especially encourage you to read Isaiah 61 whenever that feeling of ‘no hope’ tries to sweep over you. God is good and He is able.

With the unfailing love of Christ,
Kate

Thank you for sharing and for having the courage to ask some tough questions. Sometimes fear of the answer can even keep us from asking.

The first thing I notice is that you said you want to earn your wife’s forgiveness. How about thinking about it from God’s perspective? If you have repented and asked forgiveness, putting your faith in Jesus’ sacrifice, then you ARE forgiven. Walk in that forgiveness, trusting God and what HE says about you and who you are in Christ. Satan likes us to think we have to earn forgiveness, but ultimately we cannot ever earn it because we are so broken and corrupted. Instead God grants us forgiveness freely, totally by grace as we put our faith in Jesus. Similarly, He will affirm you and praise you as often as your heart desires. He will reassure you and comfort you, strengthen you and free you from your chains. Do you have a pastor you trust? At my church we often do freedom sessions, which is really just sitting down with some trusted, mature Christians and then listening to the Lord as He tells you the truth about who you are. It might mean walking back through tough memories, but then you see where Jesus was and how He desires to redeem our whole lives for His glory.

Second, you ask if counseling can help, even if it is only one-sided (at first). The answer is: NOTHING is impossible with God. He can bring water forth from a rock, He can turn a desert into flowing streams, He can make a path through the wilderness and lead you and your wife right into the promised land… what it takes is putting your faith in Him, trusting Him to do it, to lead you through, to bring about the changes… and what you must do is obey as you simply follow Him.

There are so many wonderful testimonies on this site and elsewhere about marriages that have been resurrected when they were totally dead. Nothing is beyond God’s reach, not even the grave! That is the testimony of Jesus’ resurrection! You might be encouraged by a video of the Scruggs, available at iamsecond dot com in the marriage section. Another really great resource is a book called “Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs” by Emerson Eggerichs. I think this book would go a long way to helping you both if your wife would consider reading it too. The book addresses the very situation you are in: a wife who says, “I love you but…”. Do not think you are the first to hear this, or that it is irreparable. In fact, “I love you, but” is actually a great starting point. God can teach you how to ignite a fire out of that spark. God loves to take the “but” in our lives and transform it!

But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
(1 Corinthians 15:57 ESV)

You can also consider corresponding regularly with a mentor, who would be glad to encourage you and pray with you. You can request one through http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.

Whatever today brings, please surrender that skepticism and let your faith lead. God understands that our hearts are prone to fear, worry and quitting, but HE is ABLE and WILLING, so put your faith in Him, obey Him and He will do it!

Praying for you, your wife, your marriage and your children. Stand up for your household and fight the good fight brother.

Kate

How are you? It has been awhile. It is on my heart this afternoon to pray for you and your husband.

Dear Lord, You are so gracious and merciful to us. Thank You that when we turn to You, though we are a mess, dirty, grimy, filthy, even disgusting in our sin, You do not turn away. Instead You take away our sin and clothe us in righteousness; O the richness of Your goodness! How sweet it is to be in Your presence! (Zechariah 3). Heavenly Father I commit Sally and her husband into Your care again today, trusting You for the fulfillment of the hopes You have placed in our hearts. Father, the last time I heard from Sally she said she was worried about her husband’s heart, and I know that is Your concern too. Thank You that You have given her a heart to pray for her husband, a heart that is soft and willing to be vulnerable because her faith is in You, not in her own strength nor in her circumstances. Lord, I ask again that the eyes of Sally’s husband’s heart would be opened, to see You as You really are, so that he would see himself rightly, and grasp onto the hope that only comes with forgiveness and redemption. Lord, I also ask that he would see Sally with fresh eyes, and that she would see him with new love and appreciation too. By sight all things might be a mess, but by faith all things are possible. We thank You Jesus for this hope that You have given us, hope for things that are yet unseen, and we call them out of darkness and into the light! For Your glory and our good! Father thank You for answering these prayers in Jesus’ name. Amen

Sally, be strong and work as the Lord instructs, for He is with you, and He will build the house, and He will be the solid rock that sustains you. He is the lifter of your head.

Love in Christ,
Kate

You are facing a very difficult situation, but I thank God that you are asking the right questions. With faith I assure you, there is a way. There is a way even when there seems to be no way, take heart:

“They did not thirst when he led them through the deserts; he made water flow for them from the rock; he split the rock and water gushed out.” (Isaiah 48:21 NIV)

Have you seen the movie Fireproof? It may be greatly inspiring to you, as it is the story of a husband in a predicament much like yours. The movie also highlights a book that I definitely recommend, it’s called “The Love Dare” and it is full of daily ideas for displaying love.

I pray that as you go forward, you will not give up hope. What you are fighting for is worth fighting for, the lives of your children, the wholeness of your family and your wife are all worth fighting for. God will honour you as you put forth your all:

“The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.” (2 Corinthians 9:6 ESV)

Dear Lord, please grant John patience and a soft heart. Please help him to navigate this wisely, not with anger, resentment or fear. Please help him to see his wife as You see her, and also we pray that her heart would soften, and she would grow to appreciate her husband. Lord, we ask your blessing upon this family and that Your good, pleasing and perfect will will be done. Guard their hearts and teach them to guard the precious gifts, especially their children, that You have blessed them with already. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

John, I will continue to hold you and your family up in prayer. I pray you will fight the good fight and not surrender, for God is with you and for your family.

Kate