Life After Divorce: Now What?
Have you been through a divorce? Confide in an online mentor and let them walk with you.
Divorce is a great loss and a crisis that has a huge impact the lives of everyone involved. If you have experienced, or are experiencing divorce, my heart goes out to you. I know about divorce. My parents were divorced when I was 12 years old. It was painful. It was destabilizing for my whole family.
In my years of counseling I have heard many divorcees voice the same concerns. Many express their feelings of loss, betrayal and confusion. This isn’t the way the story is supposed to end. For many divorcees the question becomes, “now what?” Divorce is not the end of the road. It isn’t easy, and it often is not what we would have chosen, but God can help you make wise decisions to deal with the transitions you face.
Life for a Christian who is suddenly divorced and single is not directionless, purposeless or hopeless. Why? Just reflect on these verses:
• God has plans for you. He says “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans not to harm you but, to bring you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).
• God will strengthen you. He says, “Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God”? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:27-31).
“I am so tired of feeling the way I do”
Divorce is painful. There is nothing that will quickly take the pain away, it is something that has to be worked through. If you are experiencing divorce, you are dealing with grief, with rejection, with having your heart broken. Taking away the pain would make you miss out on the growing process that is so necessary to bring about real healing. And you might risk getting into a rebound relationship.
This is the time to work on your personal growth and life stability. The grief you feel is real, normal, and a process that will help your heart to heal. It’s ok to give yourself time to work through this transition. You don’t have to crumble underneath the weight of it. You can learn to grieve and grow.
“I still loved him and prayed his heart would change.”
It is normal to feel that you still love your husband because you gave your heart away and committed yourself to him. You took vows to love him until “death do you part.” Unfortunately, you can’t make him change his mind and you wouldn’t want to force him to change his mind.
When you really think about it – you want someone to freely choose to love you for yourself. Because love freely given is real love. Real love has to come from the person’s heart and volition. Rejection and betrayal are painful. But, would you want him back because he felt pressured to come back to you? No. In fact, what you rejoiced in when you were first married is that this special person freely chose you and loved you. As much as you might want to, you can’t make him love you.
“I feel betrayed and rejected.”
The first issue is feeling rejected. Your ex-spouse’s rejection does not change who you are and how valuable you are as a person. The rejection is a choice he made – that choice does not determine your worth. You are still a person uniquely made – someone with purpose, talents, opinions and someone who can be used to make a difference in the world.
The rejection you feel will cause you to feel angry. You will need to work through the anger and the resentment. Anger will help motivate you to work on improving your life – but beware because it can also cause you to fall into the trap of bitterness.
“Nothing I do seems right anymore…my life feels like a mess.”
80% of your energy is used processing your emotions. That is why you feel confused, troubled and question yourself. Your self-esteem has been affected greatly. To top everything off – you feel cut off from people because friendships change when a marriage breaks up. You lose some of your couple friends. You feel left out and isolated. You feel depressed because of the divorce and the depression makes you want to isolate yourself. There can even be employment and financial difficulties.
I encourage you to fight the depression that tells you, “I am not worth anything, my life is meaningless, nobody cares about me – I may as well give up.”
Start making choices that will keep you growing in the right direction, working through the grief and getting on with your life.
Proverbs 3:5-6 reads, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”
What are the choices you can start making?
- Get counseling and support. Find a counselor in the AACC directory. Find a Divorce Care support group.
- Begin to journal your grief and feelings.
- Start a job search if employment or finances are an issue. Get some help with your resume from someone you know who has some expertise in this area. Get some career guidance from www.crown.org.
- Begin to make one goal a week which will help your life improve. Exercise regularly. Eat nutritiously.
- Accept that life will be a challenge. But, look at the challenges as opportunities to grow in faith, character and new skills.
- Accept the reality that you are divorced. Read how to make the best of your life after divorce. Read books like Growing Through Divorce by Jim Smoke.
God will help you persevere and mature in the midst of this trial. James 1:2-4 reads, “Consider it pure joy… whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
Dr. Larry Crabb eloquently states the goal of Christian maturity this way: “Christ wants us to face reality as it is, including all the fears, hurts, resentments and self-protective motives we work hard to keep out of sight, and to emerge as changed people. Not pretenders. Not perfect. But more able to deeply love because we’re more aware of His love.”
You can experience contentment with Christ. Paul wrote in Philippians 4:11-13, “… for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”
You are dealing with various issues here: The reality of the death of your marriage, the loss of your spouse, the rejection and betrayal, a broken life and dreams. This is huge! This is hard! But, let me stop to say that this crisis is one you can get through to the other side. This loss is one in which God can bring hope and in which you can become strong in the brokenness.
There is no way that I know to work through the pain of divorce quickly. You would miss the process of character development, the ways God will answer your prayers each day, the way hope and strength will grow slowly back into your life. This will build a stronger foundation in your life and in your spirit. You can discover new blessings, new treasures, and even a new you – if you determine to trust God for each day and each tomorrow.
If you are going through a divorce or if you would like to talk to someone about your relationship, we’d love to hear from you. We’re available any time, from anywhere in the world. Send us an email and start the conversation.
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Want More?
The Power of Touch: Advice for divorced and single women
One woman’s story of mourning her marriage
Starting Over: Facing the future after significant loss
Thank you. I so needed to hear this today, and especially to be reminded that God is always with me & “has plans for me”.
I am going through a traumatic separation and settlement & have xperienced all those feelings spoken about.
Needed this article today. I have been divorced for several years. Having children can keep the wound fresh because you still have so much contact. I have struggled with the fact he seems to be getting everything and I have been stuck with clean up on aisle ten. I continue to pray and struggle with getting my life on track. thanks for this article.
I am recently divorced from a man I’ve known for over 30 years. We have 2 children. I have found that my children have kept me grounded and have given me strength. I thank God for them. Dont underestimate them;they’re stronger than you think! God has done some AMAZING things in our lives and I thank Him for that comfort and peace. I will continue to pray for all of us who are going through this. God has something and/or someone wonderful for us!!
Hi, When my first husband left me, it took a few years to get used to being single again. However I went on a weekend retreat called The Beginning Experience” This enabled me to get rid of the anger, hurt, bitterness and all of those feeling associated with divorce. During this weekend there was a talk give about Gods Unconditional Love. Not being a Christian at the time I tried not to listen, I hadn’t come to hear about God, what had he ever done for me. But, I heard a distinct voice in my head saying “Be still and listen” I did, and that turned my life again. From that talk I became a Christian, and have since met and remarried a Christian man. Ther is life after divorce.
Thank you so much for reminding me of Gods word. So many people have shown such religious attitudes when I tried to pour out my pain and confusion and all the other feelings of betrayal after 15years of soo much together. Its good to know bitterness, anger depression keeping to self are all to be expected. Thank you for reminding me there is hope in Gods unconditional love for me and I can even go on in life.. at 49years of age
Catherine, I also had a very very hard time dealing with my anger and hurt. I thought that crying and being hurt was useless because the damage was done. That began to manifest itself in my body. I began to have back spasms, and my shoulders and neck began to give me pain. A minister friend of mine explained that I needed to let all that go and cry or else I’d never be delivered. That was the HARDEST thing for me to do; admit I was human and I was in pain. God cares so much about us, and I thank Him daily for it. OK I think I’m done lol
I recently was divorced and it is the hardest thing in theworld. I never thought I would be divorced after two children and being the best wife I could be. My husband had an affair and it was just too much for me so I went through with the divorce. Its still fresh because he is still with the same woman he had the affair with. I know that God works miracles and that he will bring justice because I have done nothing wrong. In due time, I will see God working my way. I know everything is a process and its okay to cry, scream and vent when you need to. It takes time and its a working process.
after 5 yrs of divorce, i am still going through, somedays i wonder if i made the right decision and other days i know that i did..
please pray for me and also any suggestions or words of wisdom, scriptures would be helpful.
be blessed
This Easter I realized that Jesus died for me to have an abundant life. Now I am determined to live the life He died for and I no longer will sit in the tomb of despair, anger, bitterness, and rejection. Those things will not hold me back from living a greater life as a single woman. Praise God!
I prayed every day to help me get through one more day with my alcoholic, abusive husband. In the end, when I saw how it was affecting my children I took a stand and asked him to leave. I was still hoping to work on our marriage and get back together as we had done in the past but he met another woman within two weeks and decided to stay with her. I have now divorced him but I feel terribly let down by God for not answering my prayers and I feel rejected by my church for saying that divorced people are breaking the church law. How do I deal with this? His family rejected me, many of my family have rejected me as well for divorcing him. My circle of supportive friends and family has shrunk, and I now no longer go to church.
Chris..you should not feel bad..the bible says that we are not here for abuse..its not only adultery..you should move forward. God has not let you down. Maybe he opened the door for you to leave him. NO one needs an alcoholic abusive husband. Your church is wrong doing what they are doing..Move forward, pray to God and look for another church..it is not God’s fault. illnani1@aol.com
I am so greatful that God brought me to the article. I am recently divorced. I have felt so lost and as if I have failed at my marrage. I had tried for 5 years to get my husband to stop all the verbal and emotional abuse. I had thought that we were getting some where finally and them I had become very ill. I was doubled over in pain, running fever, and was very weak it took all I could do just to call the doctors ofgice as they told me to go to the er that I could have appendisitis. I called my husband who was at work to come get me, that I needed to go to the hospital . It was then when he proceed to tell me, “I can’t leave right now I’m working”. I could not beleive that his job was more important than getting me to the hospital. Soon after when I had not got any better and he still continued to ignor my need fir him to help and care for me when I had cared for him in his hour of need I filed fir divorce. To this day I still feel like I failed and that maybe I could have done just a little more. I have praied for God’s forgivness. I hope and pray he will one day fir give me and heal my heart that has broken so many times during my marrage and even after it was over.
Hi, I had enough of “not being good enough”, too fat, not clever enough, always fighting…etc…etc…etc…now I’ve realised to leave was wrong and that I am not allowed to get married again? I am so confused!
My whole life I sacrificed to this man, was his door mat, was mentally abused, but I stayed as I loved him. He was extremely jealous of me, but as I aged, he could not care, I wish him and his 16yr old Asian girl all the best.
I truly thank God for my daughter and i sincerely pray that someday i will have a son of my own and with His help together, my life will be re-built. He is there everyday for me and every lonely night. I pray with all my might every night that He will take my heart and repair it. It is shredded like many people on here to the extent that i feel that only divine intervention will have the power to heal it, unlike my efforts that have been fruitless.
I pray that everybody on here will receive their answer……..
I can identify with Chris and Crystal. I was married for 20 years to a man who, over the years, turned from what I believed was a sincere Christian with a light in his eyes and good work ethic to someone who went off the rails into drugs, alcohol, porno and became verbally abusive and cruel. I stayed as long as I could, and when I filed, I felt schizoid. I was so happy not to be living with that man but I certainly felt like a failed Christian. What helped me the most was to take stock and confess to God what I might have done to contribute to the demise of the marriage and ask for forgiveness, and then I asked the Lord to help me forgive my husband and bless him (THAT WAS HARD). I took some criticism, but my true friends stood by me. The verse that comforted me and has proved true five years down the road is Joel 2:25. “I will restore to you the years the locust has eaten.” I am remarried to a “real” Christian man who prays with me, reads his Bible, allow the Holy Spirit to convict him when he goofs up, as we all do, and tho’ all married couples have their challenges, this marriage is God’s restoration to me of the long, lonely, miserable jail sentence of a marriage I had before. His mercies are renewed every morning, and even if we have messed up or made a mistake, He is faithful to forgive and set us back on the right path. You’re not disqualified from happiness.
I am so dis-heartened to hear “the other side of marriage”, and now having lost my lovely wife, who has become a sex slave with BDSM and owes her aliengence to a bondage master. This i am reminded of everytime i see her, with her wedding ring around her neck. Just what does go through peoples minds when they get mixed up with this sort of evil, having been married for 14 years, with a lovely 14 year old daughter in the middle of this madness. I have given up all hope of ever restoring our marriage, we have lost our home through this, she has lost her self esteem, as it all had to go to court, and her family are fuming. I pray every night, but as much as my ex knows i have my faith, she is a self confessed athiest, just as her “partner” is on facebook, self described as a devout atheist. It was obvious that i just couldnt give her, what she wanted. I pray that God puts me on the right course, as i cannot go on living like this.
i have been divorced for 5 yrs, it has been a struggle. in my 5th year i started dating a married man. knowing it was not right from the start i did it anyway. now a year later i ended it because of my relationship with GOD he spoke to my spirit and revealed to me what i had already known to be true. what does that make me? trusting him because he has never failed me!i don’t beat myself up because i know that i am human and what i do is what i am suppose to do, that’s why GOD is GOD and he decides. however GOD has a way of loving me in the midst of it all. i am so grateful that GOD is GOD and he is the judge and the jury and that in spite of my mess he loves me and wants me to be happy again. any encouragment or words of wisdom, scripture readings are welcome. your sister in Christ, ~gg