Life After Divorce: Now What?

Written by Lynette Hoy NCC, LCPC

Have you been through a divorce? Confide in an online mentor and let them walk with you.

divorceDivorce is a great loss and a crisis that has a huge impact on the lives of everyone involved. If you have experienced, or are experiencing divorce, my heart goes out to you. I know about divorce. My parents were divorced when I was 12 years old. It was painful. It was destabilizing for my whole family.

In my years of counseling I have heard many divorcees voice the same concerns. Many express their feelings of loss, betrayal and confusion. This isn’t the way the story is supposed to end. For many divorcees the question becomes, “now what?” Divorce is not the end of the road. It isn’t easy, and it often is not what we would have chosen, but God can help you make wise decisions to deal with the transitions you face.

Life for a Christian who is suddenly divorced and single is not directionless, purposeless or hopeless. Why? Just reflect on these verses:

God has plans for you. He says “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans not to harm you but, to bring you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).

God will strengthen you. He says, “Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God”? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:27-31).

“I am so tired of feeling the way I do”

Divorce is painful. There is nothing that will quickly take the pain away, it is something that has to be worked through. If you are experiencing divorce, you are dealing with grief, with rejection, with having your heart broken. Taking away the pain would make you miss out on the growing process that is so necessary to bring about real healing. And you might risk getting into a rebound relationship.

This is the time to work on your personal growth and life stability. The grief you feel is real, normal, and a process that will help your heart to heal. It’s ok to give yourself time to work through this transition. You don’t have to crumble underneath the weight of it. You can learn to grieve and grow.

“I still loved him and prayed his heart would change.”

It is normal to feel that you still love your husband because you gave your heart away and committed yourself to him. You took vows to love him until “death do you part.” Unfortunately, you can’t make him change his mind and you wouldn’t want to force him to change his mind.

When you really think about it – you want someone to freely choose to love you for yourself. Because love freely given is real love. Real love has to come from the person’s heart and volition. Rejection and betrayal are painful. But, would you want him back because he felt pressured to come back to you? No. In fact, what you rejoiced in when you were first married is that this special person freely chose you and loved you. As much as you might want to, you can’t make him love you.

“I feel betrayed and rejected.”

The first issue is feeling rejected. Your ex-spouse’s rejection does not change who you are and how valuable you are as a person. The rejection is a choice he made – that choice does not determine your worth. You are still a person uniquely made – someone with purpose, talents, opinions and someone who can be used to make a difference in the world.

The rejection you feel will cause you to feel angry. You will need to work through the anger and the resentment. Anger will help motivate you to work on improving your life – but beware because it can also cause you to fall into the trap of bitterness.

“Nothing I do seems right anymore…my life feels like a mess.”

80% of your energy is used processing your emotions. That is why you feel confused, troubled and question yourself. Your self-esteem has been affected greatly. To top everything off – you feel cut off from people because friendships change when a marriage breaks up. You lose some of your couple friends. You feel left out and isolated. You feel depressed because of the divorce and the depression makes you want to isolate yourself. There can even be employment and financial difficulties.

I encourage you to fight the depression that tells you, “I am not worth anything, my life is meaningless, nobody cares about me – I may as well give up.”

Start making choices that will keep you growing in the right direction, working through the grief and getting on with your life.

Proverbs 3:5-6 reads, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”

What are the choices you can start making?

  1. Get counseling and support. Find a counselor in the AACC directory. Find a Divorce Care support group.
  2. Begin to journal your grief and feelings.
  3. Start a job search if employment or finances are an issue. Get some help with your resume from someone you know who has some expertise in this area. Get some career guidance from www.crown.org.
  4. Begin to make one goal a week which will help your life improve. Exercise regularly. Eat nutritiously.
  5. Accept that life will be a challenge. But, look at the challenges as opportunities to grow in faith, character and new skills.
  6. Accept the reality that you are divorced. Read how to make the best of your life after divorce. Read books like Growing Through Divorce by Jim Smoke.

God will help you persevere and mature in the midst of this trial. James 1:2-4 reads, “Consider it pure joy… whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Dr. Larry Crabb eloquently states the goal of Christian maturity this way: “Christ wants us to face reality as it is, including all the fears, hurts, resentments and self-protective motives we work hard to keep out of sight, and to emerge as changed people. Not pretenders. Not perfect. But more able to deeply love because we’re more aware of His love.”

You can experience contentment with Christ. Paul wrote in Philippians 4:11-13, “… for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

You are dealing with various issues here: The reality of the death of your marriage, the loss of your spouse, the rejection and betrayal, a broken life and dreams. This is huge! This is hard! But, let me stop to say that this crisis is one you can get through to the other side. This loss is one in which God can bring hope and in which you can become strong in the brokenness.

There is no way that I know to work through the pain of divorce quickly. You would miss the process of character development, the ways God will answer your prayers each day, the way hope and strength will grow slowly back into your life. This will build a stronger foundation in your life and in your spirit. You can discover new blessings, new treasures, and even a new you – if you determine to trust God for each day and each tomorrow.

If you are going through a divorce or if you would like to talk to someone about your relationship, we’d love to hear from you. We’re available any time, from anywhere in the world.  Send us an email and start the conversation.

Your mentor will send you an email and from there it’s up to you.  If you want to keep talking, just hit reply.  Mentoring is free, confidential and non-judgmental.  All mentors are trained volunteers with experience in the area they mentor in. We will not spam you or sell or rent your email address.  Get the conversation started today.

Want More?
The Power of Touch: Advice for divorced and single women
One woman’s story of mourning her marriage
Starting Over: Facing the future after significant loss

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196 Responses to “Life After Divorce: Now What?”

  • Chrissy says:

    Chris answered my question, can I say thank you Chris, I found your answer, so comforting. I try to please Christ every day and don’t blame him in any of this. You did hit it when you said he is not walking with Christ – he has the Prince of Darkness on his shoulder, I have noticed by his behaviour he is spiralling out of control – I think he has already found out the other man’s grass isn’t greener, but he seems to have got himself involved with this woman – am I coping – just about – but your answer really helped and I have read your email many times – and thank you for the verse x

  • Chris Chris says:

    chrissy…i am so sorry to hear of this injustice towards you. living in the times we live in, there are no explanations anymore for what spouses are capable of doing. dont condemn yourself. your husband is obvisously not walking with christ at this time. his sin is first and foremost against his creator who created him to love you as christ loves the church but apparently that isnt on his mind at the moment but pleasing christ can still be on your mind. walkingthechristianlife.com might be a good sight for help for you. i pray jesus would confort and strengthen your resolve now to continue walking with him, focusing upon the call he has on your life as we look to God to have mercy on your husband and change his way of thinking. nothing is too hard for the lord! jer 32.27 amen!

  • ted evans says:

    Move one is not contained in the Bible (as far as I know), and it is sad that churches cater to the divorce decrees by the unfamily court. Even more amazing is that books are made to address divorces as a way to respond to the courts deceisions. Sad. I can’t wait until I die. I am not afriad to die as Jesus is the way the truth and the life. Not one soul is out there saying divorce is flat out wrong.

  • jesse roberts says:

    I didn’t treat my spouse like she deserved we had 2 sons and she divorced me. I then got saved and begged her back but she had moved on. I was beyond devastated of the loss of my wife and 2 sons. It has been 6 years now and I’m still deeply broken even though remarried. Words cannot express what it feels like to a dad who was a good father lose his kids because he and wife didn’t get along. I tried to convince her I had changed but the damage was done. I still contemplate suicide but know that would be selfish and unfair to my children. But I know this hurt stays with me.

  • Ted Evans says:

    What is even scarier is that churches set up care classess as their response to the courts actions. No sex, no kissing, no hugging, no blah blah blah. The pastors need to go to the court and see what is going on. God knows. Some Pastors are ignorant.

  • Ted Evans says:

    I want to say that divorce of crushing. We all know the scritpures about divorce (Malachi 2:16) I was not violent to my kids and still get divorce papers in the mail because that is the way the unfamily court operates daily. I have seen military wives get divorces while their husbands are deployed because of her physical needs I presume. The court sustem is part of the $50 billion dollar a year annual money changer that has been operating in America for the last 100 years. I here my friends grones for the last two nights on the phone because his wife will not love him and make dinner for him. He makes the dinner and cleans the mobile home. She will not do a thing according to him. IT is no wonder this state of California is so trashed. Because the courts are involved. They need to apologize to every america because they ruin america and repent to the true and living God. 1 Cor 15:3,4

  • Chrissy says:

    My husband left me because ‘I no longer fitted requirements’ I am bereft. I am 62 I am a christian, I have read everything, understand but my heart is still breaking. I need to know ‘why’ all I have done is work hard for my husband and my home, been the homemaker, everything he wanted. He is 65 and I cannot understand why he should break a happy marriage at this stage of life when we supposedly had so much to look forward to – I have asked him to reconsider but he won’t -

  • Chrissy says:

    My husband left me because ‘I no longer fitted requirements’ I am bereft. I am 62 I am a christian, I have read everything, understand everything but my heart is still breaking. I need to know ‘why’ all I have done is work hard for my husband and my home, been the homemaker, everything he wanted. He is 65 and I cannot understand why he should break a happy marriage at this stage of life when we supposedly had so much to look forward to – I have asked him to reconsider but he won’t – I just don’t understand – I wish I had had an affair at east it would have been a reason. I know God will have answers but it doesn’t help at this stage

  • Chrissy says:

    My husband left me because ‘I no longer fitted requirements’ I am bereft. I am 62 I am a christian, I have read everything, understand everything but my heart is still breaking. I need to know ‘why’ all I have done is work hard for my husband and my home, been the homemaker, everything he wanted – had I had an affair I would understand. He is 65 and I cannot understand why he should break a happy marriage at this stage of life when we supposedly had so much to look forward to – I have asked him to reconsider but he won’t – I just don’t understand – I wish I had had an affair at east it would have been a reason. I know God will have answers but it doesn’t help at this stage

  • Chrissy says:

    My husband left me because ‘I no longer fitted requirements’ I am bereft. I am 62 I am a christian, I have read everything, understand everything but my heart is still breaking. I need to know ‘why’ all I have done is work hard for my husband and my home, been the homemaker, everything he wanted – had I had an affair I would understand. He is 65 and I cannot understand why he should break a happy marriage at this stage of life when we supposedly had so much to look forward to – I have asked him to reconsider but he won’t – I just don’t understand – I wish I had had an affair at east it would have been a reason. I know God will have answers but I am truly heartbroken – I have wonderful friends.

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God. I pray first of all that you will bless these individual persons here in this web site. Lord I ask that You will bless them in there day to day life with You. Lord I know about divorcee, as I am divorcee from my husband, as we were married 1 year and because he was not well we separated from each other, but is was very sad, as I did and still do love him, even though i have bee singles since then.I was not a christian back then, but wanted to be married. God blessed me by not having children, but I started to not like men in my life and started to go gay. God intervened and I became a Believer and have been single female since then. I pray for the comments here and hope that my expericnece will encourage them, in Jesus name Amen

  • Dannette says:

    Personally I believe marriage is not all what it’s cracked up to be these days. They marry you when your young and promising and when problems come up they ditch you light last nights trash. I have tried to see what the propect would be like dating, its a no go. Too fast paced and wanted imtimate relations up front. I think I’d rather stay single the rest of my life.

  • Jen says:

    Mandy: GREAT FOR YOU! I know that God will restore what needs to be restored in your life in due time! And whatever is lost, you will regain again. Don’t lose hope!

  • Felix says:

    Mandy, I love the motto. It has been 2 1/2 years for me since the divorce and I was so broken. I thought things would never turn around, but God had me right where he wanted me. I’m only 38, a retired detective and I have been able to really grow these past two years exactly how He wants me. I have an awesome 7 year old daughter that was introduced to Christ through this divorce and I was saved myself. I actually owe her for breaking my heart. Gid is awesome , I can’t stress it enough. I’m gonna use your motto when times get tough. Thanks.

  • MandyC says:

    It’s almost been a year since he moved out,and right at 3 months since the divorce was final. This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever endured in my life. I’m 35 and we were married 12 years. I felt that I failed as a wife, that I failed my family and more importantly God. It’s only been over this past month that Ive felt more myself then I have in years. Through the entire separation we told no one but our parents, we felt telling friends would just cause hard feelings if we did work it out. This may have been more of a blessing then I realized at the time because God was the only one I had to talk to about what was going on instead of friends who though I know love me may have not given me Godly advice,which was something I needed and still need.
    With out God and my church family I can only imagine where I’d be right now, there were days I’d just cry or get angry at the drop of a hat…. This was not me and this wasn’t what I wanted to be. One morning crying in the shower and talking to God, I heard that small still voice that told me “from this day forward” I wrote it down as soon as I got out…… This has been my motto since then… From this day forward… Don’t look back….don’t worry about what’s ahead… Only from this day I’ll move forward.. From this day I will be happy.. And if tomorrow I have a bad day were I feel that I have failed or that I’m not loved I will tell myself “from this day forward”.
    I’m learning how to be me and pointing towards what God intends for me to be. I’m learning not to rely on emotions or feeling because unlike Gods word,and will..those things will lie and deceive me.
    I would not want anyone to go through this ever, but know if you stay close to God he WILL keep you… He WILL bless you.. He WILL love you,give you a peace and joy that goes beyond all understanding..

  • Ted says:

    Malachi 2:16 seems like we forget about that verse. 1 Cor 15:3,4

  • Keisha says:

    Hey, Friends, it’s really sad and touching what we go though this days in our relationship. I have been in relationships affected by pains and depression for years, both sides (I was depressed, but thanks to God, am now a happy woman today with the help of someone). It’s sad to say, but I have lots of experiences on this subject. If you’re interested, I’d share them with you, so that you can forever be happy in your relationship and be happy with the person you love. You can write to my email address: [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information] , hope you’re holding up!

    Keisha

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Ramish, I am sorry that no one has responded to your comment sooner. What great news that you have found the Bible a trustworthy testimony of God. Have you been able to locate any other followers of Jesus that you can connect with?

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    Ted,
    It’s probably wise to stay alone for now. May I suggest that you take the time to watch the video and read the article on this page, http://powertochange.com/discover/first-date-flop/ ? In it the author talks about the perfect relationship….take the time and read it. She says…The deep joy, the pursuit we long for, the unconditional love that anticipates our every need will only ever be fulfilled by Him. And believe me: it will be fulfilled! If you’re looking for a romance that stands the test of time, look no further than Jesus Christ. ….

  • Ted Evans says:

    I am not to going to marry anyone. Marriage/divorce is a $50 bn/yr financial industry for lawyers, sherriffs,cops and judges. Not for the ordinary peace loving people, been wanting to go home for four years and they will not let me and no lawyer is willing to help me as far as I know. Ted

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    Derek,
    Thank you for taking the time to weigh in on the comments and for your interaction on this thread! Having walked this journey yourself adds weight to your insight. I really liked what you said, ‘Divorce has a huge ripple impact, like a tsunami. First there is the subterranean quake. Then later, without much warning, the tsunami hits with overwhelming full force. And it hits everyone involved, the family being torn apart, the bonds established with each spouses family, friends and friendships, the children and their relationships, nearly every area of you and your families finances and more. ‘

    That’s so true.

    Ted,
    I noticed that your orginal court date is tomorrow, July 15. Let me pray for you right now.

    Heavenly Father,
    I lift up Ted to you right now. He has gone through a very difficult time but is trusting in You. Lord, guide the mind of the judge tomorrow and we pray that Your will be done in the outcome. In the meantime, help Ted to look to You and You alone as he walks on this journey. Amen

  • Derek says:

    Ted Evans,

    I hear your pain in your story — I encourage you to try to resolve your matters outside of court. Use a professional mediator.

    Matthew 5:25
    Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.

    While Matthew’s words were based on the process of the time, the advice of settling before going to court is sound counsel.

    As for the timing of future relationships, it might be best to wait and let this dust settle. Bond with your children and guide them through this trauma affecting their lives.

    Divorce has a huge ripple impact, like a tsunami. First there is the subterranean quake. Then later, without much warning, the tsunami hits with overwhelming full force. And it hits everyone involved, the family being torn apart, the bonds established with each spouses family, friends and friendships, the children and their relationships, nearly every area of you and your families finances and more.

    I cannot imagine that anyone outside of this tsunami range would want to deliberately step into such a imminent disaster. Nor do I read in your story that you are the kind of man who would drag someone you care about into the danger zone.

    Having someone to talk with and a group of people who can be your support, is important, especially for the children.

    As for food – the hardest part of this kind of restoration is humbling asking for help, where ever that make come from.

    I truly feel for you, your spouse and your children — I encourage you to take a step back, it’s not easy I know, and breathe. Seek all the help you can get that can truly help advise you well in this process.

    I wish you all well in your recovery.

  • derek says:

    Abron,

    You have a great opportunity right now to truly discover “you”. While I enjoy sharing life with a soul mate, I know right now my path is about discovering who I truly am – and that is a journey well worth taking. I believe that once I know this about myself and if it is to be, then who ever she is, we will find each other.

    Part of that journey is looking at my environment, my relationships, why I read, listen to, think about and do. I learned something very powerful and profound about words recently …

    “Most people use words to describe the world they experience, but words are powerful things – they have the ability to create a world yet to be experienced.”

    I am aware that sometimes I fall into the first category, and portray myself as a victim. I know that only I make myself to be a victim. So instead I am working towards the later of being a creative being, and continually creating the world and life I want to live.

    When I choose to be a creative being, instead of a victim, I am empowered to move forward and to see clearly the blessed life I do have – and the abundantly blessed life within my reach.

    I believe relationships live n their own, they are not made up of two people. The relationship is its own living thing created by what each person contributes. The greater the equality, and the ebb and flow as needed, the stronger the bond. It takes a lot to know that what the other person needs most, isn’t you. That’s what I learned. It isn’t easy to sit back and truly listen the pain of another person that you have loved and cared for and believed they were your soul mate, to realize that what they need is freedom to live their life authentically, even if that means not with you.

    Divorce is not the issue. Bad marriages are not the issue. Lack of mutual contribution by each person into the relationship is the cause of divorce.

    Shedding all of the negativity from a divorce is a daily cross to bear. And I hold hope that with each passing day, moment by moment, my thoughts, words, emotions, actions and interpretations are creating a new world for me to experience and describe.

    I wish you well on your recovery.

  • tedevans says:

    I am hugry and lonely, I barely get anough food. Jesus is the only person/God that I can rely on because the family court does not seem so nice. Anyways, marriage is defintely a tie between a female and a man, not man and man, a not woman and woman, I have sinned and asked and repentance from JEsus. Anyways, went to chucrch in Bonitas with Steve Cinqumani, and look forward to the court hearing of July 15, 2014. Marriage is taken as a vow before God and man that the two would stay together in good times and bad times, so help you God… I do. There is a gal at work that I am very attracted to, so maybe we can get married, I am going to wait to ask any woman until after July 15, 2014. It is not good that man be alone like Genesis says. I know that I am not the best looking guy and I am not the worst, it is a matter for the heart for marriage like God says. I have no idea what is happening to my daughter Annica and Ben. I pray God would provide all their needs in life. Humbly share this, love you all. Please pray for the court date.

  • CT says:

    Good post Derek.

  • Derek says:

    Rachel,

    I do understand what it’s like to have lived a life believing in you were sharing a mutual covenant marriage, only to be awakened from your utopian dream. I understand that each person is who they are and they are doing the best they can with the life they are living. I understand the broken trust and the onset of despair that seems to hang on endlessly. I know this because I have lived it and an still living it, and it will forever be apart of me in some way.

    I understand the challenge of daily living, and living with a constant monologue with seemingly noone to share it with in a real and meaningful conversation. I understand the anguish of feeling isolated even in groups or crowds because only I am living with the thoughts and emotions of my life.

    I don’t have any answers, I don’t know what tomorrow will be like even for me, but what I would like you to know is, thank you for sharing your testimony of your experience – it helps me to know that someone else has some idea of the life I’m living right now.

    And maybe that is the insight, it is only the life I am living right now.

    My 28+ year utopian view crashed horrifically right after our 20y anniversary. Followed by 4y of estranged separation and emotional abuse, and then 3y of abandonment, and 5y+ now of ongoing legal battles, job loss, insolvency and more. The more part being – not being heard.

    Through it all my faith has become stronger, but I won’t say it removes the pain or struggle. And simply comparing my experience to Job or others living in this world today, does not make things better either.

    Starting fresh is about mindset. I know for me I cannot do it alone, in fact that’s the worst thing one can try to do. We still need to take responsibility for our lives, so in that regard only we can make the changes we need. But it helps to have the right people to talk with.

    I’m not a professional counselor, so my words are simply one person’s walk through the life I am living based on how I interpret and understand it through the filters of my past life and understandings.

    I don’t think my X is a bad person, though the life decisions they made forced me to make life decisions I was not week prepared to make. I did not go into a covenant marriage with the intent of someday divorcing – that just want the plan I was working on.

    It is extremely emotionally challenging to this day, so I do understand a little of what that feels like, though everyone’s experience, I’m sure, is quite different.

    The one thought I hope will help you is this – the decisions you make each day are yours. You may have to choose between several bad options, but the choice is yours. And in that minute reality, I find some peace to hold on to for now. And it’s the second tip, live as much as you can in the moment of now. You may not feel like it sometimes, and that’s ok. I find that in those moments, it helps to allow myself to feel what I feel. That’s real. Please do not stay there too long.

    If you are able to, get some form of exercise to increase your endorphins. Prior with higher endorphin levels are happier – health wise. And this in turn helps to focus on the positive parts of your life.

    If you are Spiritual, it can reveal new insights about how grounded you are or are not, and hopefully inspire you to seek a more profound level of Spirituality.

    I hope my words were guided well and that they lift you up as you walk this journey. No one “really” knows what you are going through, but I hope you take the opportunity of divine intervention of those sent your way in the moment and simply enjoy the moment.

    I wish you well on your recovery.

  • Ted Evans says:

    Maybe it is, not maybe, it is better to find a millstone and wrap it around my neck and be cast into the sea than to stumble one another. Anyone have a millstone and rope? Bettewr than going to court.

  • Michael Jantzen Michael Jantzen says:

    Hi Ted, Thanks for letting us know more of what’s happening. I’m praying that God will reveal his wisdom both to you and to the judge on July 15. Take care.

  • Ted Evans says:

    It appears that we fight not aginst flesh and bllod but aginst princes and principalities of the air. DIvorce is about as unloving as I can imagine. Ihave done things after the divorce I repent of. Certainly we live in a sinful world, I am the chief. Trying to walk humbly. As with rewards, would certainly like to be counted as a sheep and not a goat. Thank you for the encouragement and heads up. Keep praying for July 15, 2014. That is thew date of the next court hearing.

  • Ted Evans says:

    The pastors at Churches will speak about God after we die? Right? Are we not all children of God, does not matter how old we are. I am just 53 yrs old. kids are important too but are we as parents suppose to parent the kids which the court does not know how to figure out? All the court knows how to do is garnish wages so you can’t survive.

  • Michael Jantzen Michael Jantzen says:

    Hello Ted, I’m so sorry to hear that you are facing these huge challenges in the aftermath of divorce. I know what it feels like to have a looming court date coming up and assets to divide up, all the while trying to keep the wellbeing of the kids as the ultimate priority. I’m also sorry to hear that you have felt unsupported by some Christians you know. I’d like to encourage you. Where are you at spiritually these days? Is your relationship with God growing or withering through this? Take care.

  • CT says:

    Ted,

    Pray for the next month that the Lord will go before you and give you the strength and the confidence you need. YES you can represent yourself. And Christ is your advocate in the court room. Be patient with yourself, cast your fears at Jesus feet and ask HIM to guide you in that day of battle — July 15th.

    Your children are old enough that they can also tell the judge what they would like regarding seeing you. Ask the court that they testify of their wishes. (It may mean a few more days at court; but ask for what God leads you to ask for.) I would think the 18 year old is of age and you could pursue a relationship with them.

    Persistent love. Have courage you can still know your children and fight for the relationship with them. An old saying, “Go forward on your knees.”

    Praying for your family, CT

  • Ted Evans says:

    I cry not knowing what happened to them. Thank you for some support. Only God knows this particular situation. I have a court date of July 15, 2014,and there is no lawyer willing to help me out. Someone from church is going to observe the shenanigans in court. But I do have piece of paper to read from. I did not know if I could be a self represnted litigant. I am just a licensed engineer. The thing is I do ont recall abusing my ex wife in that last three years. Found out I am a sinner and need Jesus forgiveness. My kids are 14 and 18 yrs old. She is being ugly with visitation and calls. I have contacted the local law office for low income and have not received any messages. I suppose the judge through community property rules and laws will force the sale of the house, to pay their friends the lawyers, and police, and whoever else. I really feel like I have been thrown out of churches, the family home,and unsupported by some local christians in San Diego.

  • CT says:

    Ted, I see you have posted a lot about the hardship of feeling gouged for finances.

    You do have the right to return to court and have the support re-accessed. If there are young children, she will be-given more freedom to be with the children and therefore the support would be higher to keep her with young children.

    You can always appeal for a modification. If your finances are tight where you can not pay legal cost, there are waivers for hardship that would alleviate the cost of returning to court. You can have your income and living and the support re-evaluated.

    No matter the ugliness of the other spouse,… if you are providing for children, Delight in your capability to provide for them as a dad,…. you are giving them a home and that which they need.

    If the spouse is being ugly with visitation, calls, etc. Then bring that before the judge …. it’s called contempt… and you can get awarded your lost time,… they will increase your time with them to catch you up.

    As for food and water you mention in previous posts,…. there are resources,… sometimes it is agonizing to find them…. but there are ways to make up for your budget. God will provide for you. The same way he provides for the abandoned/abused wife and children.

  • CT says:

    As it is common for woman to use the children as leverage; it is common for the man to use finances and resources as leverage. Let’s keep the conversation neutral.

    Divorce is painful, and both parties play role. Even in painful circumstances,… peaceable action and soft words make for better outcomes. I’d ask why is a person withholding children or finances,… they are angry? hurt? being abused?

    Having court involved can help to make things fair and just as times. (sometimes, it creates more problem as we have a broken system.) But, it helps to have mediation of an outside source – mediator, judge etc. help set up guidelines in which to function.

    Perhaps, not your particular situation. Yet, sometimes there is a need to for distance depending on each partners behavior. If, you are being treated unjustly and your children are being held. Peaceably go to court to get your due time.

  • Sentry says:

    Ted,
    I don’t know, but it seems common for women to hurt the man through the children. Get a lawyer and take her to court.

  • Abron says:

    I am divorced since 1999. I have been dating, but I had bad relationships with women. It was so bad that someone suggested that I was gay. I am helping my ailing mom whose husband passed away recently. I previously entertained thoughts about dating a foreign woman. However, I decided to wait because I am not interested in dating much less remarriage (I’m 48) I feel that today’s relationships are more demanding and that all women are more demanding that I am better off remaining single, if not joining the priesthood.

  • gayathri says:

    im 23 year old n me n my hus took decision to divorce after 6mnths of being together…..all i know is its finishing me….im not able to do nything….im cmpletly down….i just cant go thru this….it hurts…

  • Ted Evans says:

    So it is okay in California for a 47 yr old woman to divorce their husband and not communicate with them about their two kids…. Correct? Y or N.

  • Ramish says:

    dear boss, plz realize me i am an afghan boy life in afghanistan i am 23 yound handsome cute educated honest. i only want to leave islam and i would like to join christianity i did my nvestigation it quran and bible, furtunattley i got my answe from bible. i love bible plz call me [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information]
    dear sir plz help me bcs if anybody know this case they will kill me

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    Rachel and Ted,
    I am so sorry for the loss and rejection you have both been through. Having your trust broken like yours has been is a difficult thing indeed and takes much healing and God’s touch on those broken places of your heart. May I suggest that you might benefit from interacting with our online mentors? They are here to walk alongside of you in their journey. Just fill out the form on this page, http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and one of them will email you.

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    Marie,
    Thank you so much for coming back and sharing what God is doing in your lives and in your marriage!! You are so right…God can bring amazing healing and your marriage will truly be stronger because of it! Working through conflict and disillusionment is never easy but worth working through. Thanks for encouraging others as they too are struggling!!

    Heavenly Father,
    Thank you for the work that You are doing in Marie’s marriage. How we love to celebrate Your faithfulness in our lives and relationships. Continue to encourage and bless them as together they work to have the best marriage they can possibly have. Amen!

  • Ted Evans says:

    I have been divorced by the end Family Court in San Diego for almost 1 year and it hurts me so much I am 53 years old and would love to get married and not get divorced for the rest of my life

  • Rachel says:

    My h of 25 years divorced me. He was in love with his soulmate from when he was 20. Rekindled when he turned 50. MLC!
    she didn’t leave her husband.
    My ex wanted me back. I said no. Not to have to go thru this again. I had a nervous breakdown.
    The betrayal and my broken heart was so painful.
    He now has a twice divorced gold digger for a girl friend. She’s perfect. Perfect hair, nails and tanned skin in a perfect body . All what he wanted me to be.
    I’m still feeling the rejection and having a difficult time moving forward.

  • marie says:

    I just wanted to say I commented about a month ago.I’m the one married five years with a 1 and 3 year old. God has sent counselor that has been so amazing for us. I know that the things that lead us there were so hard to go through, but had we not, we wouldn’t have this counselor. In the long run both our marriage and the two of us will be better for it. Marriage is still not easy. But as for today, we are working on healing. God can truly do that, even when you can’t imagine it. Our sunday school did a book called sacred marriage by Gary Thomas. IT really changes the way you think of marriage. I now think of it as not about my own happiness, and think of it as God using us to work through things and bring us closer to God. Good luck to all of you…. praying for your struggles.
    Marie

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    I am divorced, but we had no children, but it is painful, but God brought me through it with His blessing.

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