Life After Divorce: Now What?
Have you been through a divorce? Confide in an online mentor and let them walk with you.
Divorce is a great loss and a crisis that has a huge impact the lives of everyone involved. If you have experienced, or are experiencing divorce, my heart goes out to you. I know about divorce. My parents were divorced when I was 12 years old. It was painful. It was destabilizing for my whole family.
In my years of counseling I have heard many divorcees voice the same concerns. Many express their feelings of loss, betrayal and confusion. This isn’t the way the story is supposed to end. For many divorcees the question becomes, “now what?” Divorce is not the end of the road. It isn’t easy, and it often is not what we would have chosen, but God can help you make wise decisions to deal with the transitions you face.
Life for a Christian who is suddenly divorced and single is not directionless, purposeless or hopeless. Why? Just reflect on these verses:
• God has plans for you. He says “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans not to harm you but, to bring you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).
• God will strengthen you. He says, “Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God”? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:27-31).
“I am so tired of feeling the way I do”
Divorce is painful. There is nothing that will quickly take the pain away, it is something that has to be worked through. If you are experiencing divorce, you are dealing with grief, with rejection, with having your heart broken. Taking away the pain would make you miss out on the growing process that is so necessary to bring about real healing. And you might risk getting into a rebound relationship.
This is the time to work on your personal growth and life stability. The grief you feel is real, normal, and a process that will help your heart to heal. It’s ok to give yourself time to work through this transition. You don’t have to crumble underneath the weight of it. You can learn to grieve and grow.
“I still loved him and prayed his heart would change.”
It is normal to feel that you still love your husband because you gave your heart away and committed yourself to him. You took vows to love him until “death do you part.” Unfortunately, you can’t make him change his mind and you wouldn’t want to force him to change his mind.
When you really think about it – you want someone to freely choose to love you for yourself. Because love freely given is real love. Real love has to come from the person’s heart and volition. Rejection and betrayal are painful. But, would you want him back because he felt pressured to come back to you? No. In fact, what you rejoiced in when you were first married is that this special person freely chose you and loved you. As much as you might want to, you can’t make him love you.
“I feel betrayed and rejected.”
The first issue is feeling rejected. Your ex-spouse’s rejection does not change who you are and how valuable you are as a person. The rejection is a choice he made – that choice does not determine your worth. You are still a person uniquely made – someone with purpose, talents, opinions and someone who can be used to make a difference in the world.
The rejection you feel will cause you to feel angry. You will need to work through the anger and the resentment. Anger will help motivate you to work on improving your life – but beware because it can also cause you to fall into the trap of bitterness.
“Nothing I do seems right anymore…my life feels like a mess.”
80% of your energy is used processing your emotions. That is why you feel confused, troubled and question yourself. Your self-esteem has been affected greatly. To top everything off – you feel cut off from people because friendships change when a marriage breaks up. You lose some of your couple friends. You feel left out and isolated. You feel depressed because of the divorce and the depression makes you want to isolate yourself. There can even be employment and financial difficulties.
I encourage you to fight the depression that tells you, “I am not worth anything, my life is meaningless, nobody cares about me – I may as well give up.”
Start making choices that will keep you growing in the right direction, working through the grief and getting on with your life.
Proverbs 3:5-6 reads, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”
What are the choices you can start making?
- Get counseling and support. Find a counselor in the AACC directory. Find a Divorce Care support group.
- Begin to journal your grief and feelings.
- Start a job search if employment or finances are an issue. Get some help with your resume from someone you know who has some expertise in this area. Get some career guidance from www.crown.org.
- Begin to make one goal a week which will help your life improve. Exercise regularly. Eat nutritiously.
- Accept that life will be a challenge. But, look at the challenges as opportunities to grow in faith, character and new skills.
- Accept the reality that you are divorced. Read how to make the best of your life after divorce. Read books like Growing Through Divorce by Jim Smoke.
God will help you persevere and mature in the midst of this trial. James 1:2-4 reads, “Consider it pure joy… whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
Dr. Larry Crabb eloquently states the goal of Christian maturity this way: “Christ wants us to face reality as it is, including all the fears, hurts, resentments and self-protective motives we work hard to keep out of sight, and to emerge as changed people. Not pretenders. Not perfect. But more able to deeply love because we’re more aware of His love.”
You can experience contentment with Christ. Paul wrote in Philippians 4:11-13, “… for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”
You are dealing with various issues here: The reality of the death of your marriage, the loss of your spouse, the rejection and betrayal, a broken life and dreams. This is huge! This is hard! But, let me stop to say that this crisis is one you can get through to the other side. This loss is one in which God can bring hope and in which you can become strong in the brokenness.
There is no way that I know to work through the pain of divorce quickly. You would miss the process of character development, the ways God will answer your prayers each day, the way hope and strength will grow slowly back into your life. This will build a stronger foundation in your life and in your spirit. You can discover new blessings, new treasures, and even a new you – if you determine to trust God for each day and each tomorrow.
If you are going through a divorce or if you would like to talk to someone about your relationship, we’d love to hear from you. We’re available any time, from anywhere in the world. Send us an email and start the conversation.
Your mentor will send you an email and from there it’s up to you. If you want to keep talking, just hit reply. Mentoring is free, confidential and non-judgmental. All mentors are trained volunteers with experience in the area they mentor in. We will not spam you or sell or rent your email address. Get the conversation started today.
Want More?
The Power of Touch: Advice for divorced and single women
One woman’s story of mourning her marriage
Starting Over: Facing the future after significant loss
Had a wife who have had in the past lured into a relationship with a man who have had engaged into many marriage. During their marriage, they have about 3 kids,but in essence, the marriage was not good terms, and not to mention itt is merely enticed by some customs superstititous beliefs practised by the man into getting now my socalled wife into marriage. My wife being uncomfortable with the situations,now tended to have me in a relationships which is lasted for about 3 years with a daughter borned our from this relationship. We are both Christian, but at the time of our relationship, we were not fully committed not until lately we give our lives to God and fully 100% committed our life to God and he is gradually blessings us in many ways. A question, I wish to ponder here is, I know that the perfect plan of God is a christian to be yoke with a christian, but in our case scenario, does it contradicts against this perfect Rule of God in finding a perfect mate? I wish to thank you in advance a mighty man of God for your kind response and for being a ”good samaritan” in responding positively to my request/queries.
Dear Amore,
I sympathize with you in your pain. The circumstances you describe sound very sad and difficult. From my own experience with divorce, my thought is that there really is no escaping the pain. You see, God did not design us for brokenness, but for perfect intimacy, love, affection, understanding and friendship. This is what we all crave for – at least I know for sure this is what I crave!!! – and it’s why, perhaps, your husband is so quick to go look for a new girlfriend. It is because of his emptiness inside, not because you did not fulfill him, but because God created us for something perfect, which is to be in a relationship with God Himself. At the moment, since we are all sinners we do not have perfect relationships with each other – but we can begin to enter into relationship with a perfect God. God is faithful, true, compassionate, kind, patient, helpful, merciful, affectionate, pleasant, and strong, just like the wonderful husband we all long for. Once I started to get to know God through the Bible and receiving the good news that Jesus Christ is really God with us, God come down to earth to take on all human suffering and OVERCOME it, then I started to see my relationships in a new way.
Would you consider connecting with one of our mentors, who could email with you regularly to help you through this tough time? Just click here: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
After all, there is no easy way to solve everything, but there is a God who loves you with unfailing, unconditional love and He is able to heal you, to show you the way forward, to care for you during the darkest nights and to bring you to the point of forgiveness and great hope! Would you choose to trust Him today?
Many blessings,
Kate
Dear Roland,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I have a question for you. Do you think there is a question between happiness and joy? If you do see a difference, which one do you have a preference toward?
Many blessings,
Kate
This website really lessen the pain im suffering now.Im 22 yrs. married with my ex husband.we have grown up kids.He was out of love with me so i divorce him coz i cannot bear no more the cold treatment he show to me.even its hard i try to end this marriage coz i know this will lead me more to crying than to be happy.I decided and choose to be happy.My pain and agony is increasing coz my husband dont even bother to increase the speed to finalize our divorce while he got zelf a new girlfriend.It still hurts coz we are just separated 6 mos..i just want that he must finished and cooperate with the divorce process then my agony will end.please help me get rid of this pain and learn to move on.
Hi Michael,
Everybody wishes deeply on here that the good Lord will help you both to restore your marriage. I say this with respect and sincerity:
If you are both having real difficulties in your marriage, and your wife wants to divorce you, i strongly think you should consider it. You are going through a terrible time, the real harsh fact is that she no longer loves you. For you to heal, and preferably to heal cleanly, and early, divorcing her will be a step towards you finding happiness again, without prolonging it any further with undue pain. Your prolonged pain can be reduced, if only you take the hard step of ending it, afterall you cannot make her love you, and i suspect you wouldnt want to anyway. I sincerely wish you happiness in the near future, your earliest happiness depends on your actions now, it will lay down building blocks for a far more enriched life for you in the future. Living with someone, who plainly does not love you, eats you up inside, carrying this is not what you want……
Hi Kate!
Thank you for praying for me and my situation.I am trusting God,I poured my Heart out to her,didn’t start off well but after a while she just kept quiet as if the Lord was ministering to her!which I believe He touch her heart!I also feel we should pray together wen we r goin thru tough times n good.
Wil keep u updated!God Bless!
Mike
Dear Michael,
I want to pray for you now:
Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for Michael, for his wife and their son. Thank You that You have a plan for them, and thank You that You are with them, even when they cannot seem to see You, I praise You that You are always there. Father, I pray earnestly for SOFT hearts, Lord, please pour out Your Holy Spirit upon this couple, that they might be convicted of all the places they have gone against Your good, pleasing and perfect will, and that they BOTH might fall on their knees before You Lord Jesus. Dear Father, You know the hearts of all people, You see right through our excuses and lies, You know what we are afraid of when we think that OUR plan for our lives is better than YOUR plan for our lives. Forgive us for thinking we are wiser than You, and INCREASE our faith, that we may learn to TRUST You more and more. I thank You that Michael is reaching out for wisdom and guidance, as You have promised that to whoever asks for wisdom, You will grant it freely. Please show Michael how to make decisions according to Your ways, to lift his eyes above this treacherous storm and fix his eyes on You. Lord Jesus, I pray the same for his wife, but help him to know that no matter what his wife does, YOU ARE with him to uphold him and guide him as he puts his faith in you, rather than her or their circumstances. Father God, we know You are the God who redeems our messes, who resurrects the dead, who breathes life into dust, who gives us beauty for ashes, so we commit Michael and his wife to You. We ask to see Your hand of mercy, compassion and unfailing love do wonders in their hearts and in their lives. I pray this all in Jesus’ precious and powerful name, looking forward to the good work You are already doing and the answers You will bring about. Amen.
Michael, please consider reaching out to one of our mentors, who would be able to walk with you and pray with you and encourage you through this very, very difficult time. You can click on the link at the top of the page “talk to a mentor.”
I want you to know that God is with you, and for your marriage and your family. God is passionate about relationships and reconciliation, and He will move heaven and earth to help you. But most of all, He wants a relationship with you personally – not through your wife, not through a church per se, but directly with you. Would you consider inviting him into your heart? Confess to Him how much you need a saviour, and Jesus is the Saviour who takes brokenness aside and makes it beautiful in His time. Would you choose to trust Him? He will not fail you, though all life might disappoint you and all people might let you down, He will never leave you nor forsake you, He will never lead you astray, He will never tell you you are not enough or not right for Him, He will never toss you aside or attempt to replace you, He will never run out of patience or mercy or kindness or goodness, His relationship with you will never, never, never end… and it’s all because of His great love for you, His love which never fails.
I bless you now in Jesus name and pray that His Holy Spirit would fill you with faith and a fresh sense of joyful expectation, as you put your trust in Him and choose to follow Him.
Kate
Hi!wife decided that we should Divorce,she is a Born again christian,I attended with her 4 a while but I wasn’t happy @ her church,I didn’t do it for her I thought it will help our marriage.she feels we should never hav gotten Married!I love her so much through all struggles we hav gone through.,cos we made vows “for better or Worse”I hav shown her scriptures in the Bible bout Divorce,but she’s using scriptures to justify y she wanna Divorce,(And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife)I even showed her this scripture in 1Corinthians chapter 7,I feel so discouraged cos I don’t want to divorce.we hav a 2yr old son.she’s not some1 who forgives or forget easy!(Of past arguments or family issues we faced in the past)I’ve given my Best to make things work!what do I do?
Michael
@WilS, All I have to say is WOW. I can completely relate to you…my husband is at reconciliation attempt #2…and I am not in the least interested (though I miss him deeply and love him even more deeply). He needs to take better care of himself or else the same pattern (of his adultery) will continue as was shown in your situation. Stay close to God and brighter days will be in your future. This is what is keeping me strong!
Hi Ghienna, It sounds like your husband has had a very difficult time with marriages and that the two of you will have some troubles that are going to challenge your commitment to each other and your commitment to Jesus. Let me encourage you to continue to seek God’s direction in your life. Engaging in spiritual disciplines like fasting and prayer can be useful activities that help followers of Jesus to focus their attention on hearing the Spirit of God and following His leading. Keep doing that as you face these difficult days.
Also an important discipline is reading/studying/meditating on the Words of God that we have given to us in the Bible. The societies we live in do not want us to follow God’s direction and give us messages that are contrary to what God wants for us so we need to immerse ourselves in the Word of God so that we can discern His voice from the other voices that are trying to deceive.
Along with that, when you are looking to hear from God about His direction in your life, it is important to talk with other godly people about how they understand what God’s Word says about the question that you have. Make sure that their words line up with what the Bible says because there are people in churches who follow their own reasoning rather than what God says in the Bible and you want to avoid their advice.
Now I imagine that the people in your church who are condemning you are probably pointing to the words of Jesus when He said, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.” (Mark 10:11-12) How did you and your husband interpret these words of Jesus when you were fasting and praying? Did you talk to anyone about these words when you were trying to discern what God wanted you to do? This is a pretty clear statement but it does become slightly less clear when we read Matthew’s record of these words of Jesus, “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:9) Some people interpret this to allow for divorce when a spouse has been unfaithful, others see it allow for remarriage after divorce when a spouse has been unfaithful. I am not sure whether this would impact your husband’s divorce because you didn’t mention that his second wife was unfaithful to him.
Now this sin of adultery is not somehow unforgivable by God. Jesus’ death paid for the penalty of this sin just as much as it pays for the sin of lying. So that means if someone was remarried, they are not excluded from the family of God. But as with all sin in our lives, we need to recognize when we have transgressed against God’s standards–knowingly or unknowingly–and confess that as sin and turn away from doing it again. In this situation I don’t see God wanting that couple to now end their marriage, but they should strengthen their commitment to following God and loving one another no matter how hard it gets. So they don’t have to feel that they live the rest of their lives in the sin of adultery.
I guess my words are not what you wanted to hear. There may be more to your story that I am missing or misunderstanding and if that is true, I am sorry. I want you to know that I am not condemning you and your husband but I do want you to know the truth from God so that you are able to respond appropriately. From what you have described of your husband’s situation you should not have gotten married. But you have and I want you to know that God will make something wonderful come from this. Paul’s promise is true even of our wrong choices, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28) Don’t allow the condemnation of other people to make you feel that God no longer loves you. You are still His cherished daughter and son and the forgiveness that Jesus bought for you with His life is still very much alive in your life. Yes confess and repent from your sin and then go forward in the confidence that God is “faithful and just and will forgive your sin and cleanse you from all unrighteousness.” (1John 1:9) He is an amazing God and His grace on us is absolutely unlimited. And that should motivate us to want to do everything we can to serve Him and live according to His plan and purpose.
Does that make sense Ghienna?
I need counsel. I got married last april with a man, he was divorced twice. He is a born again christian too. The first marriage failed bec. his ex wife wasn’t agree with his belief. She divorce him. After 2 yrs he re-married to a christian woman he thought this time will work but unfortunately not. The woman has a physiological problem. Their marriage wasn’t working since the first day. But he was hoping she will change and stayed with her for 12 yrs. they have 2 kids. She divorced him after and in court case for 2 yrs. He tried to resolve it but failed and finally give up and agree with it. He was alone and hurt and the church condemn him and not allow to enter the church bec. of her. He paid the consequences. until last yr. we met and prayed and fast. I believed God answered us. I saw the hand of God working in all our needs and his favor showed upon us. Then we married. Now, waiting for God’s perfect time to be together. I am still waiting for my visa to be approved. God is the God of second chances. And he is a merciful, loving God. Now, there are people in my church condemn me and tell me that we are living in sin of adultery. Pls advice me. Need ur help and may u enlighten my confuse soul. God bless.
@Wil S
Lord Jesus I pray the promise of Isaiah 41:10 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Lord I pray that Wil look to you for healing and guidance and that he will not allow the devil to destroy his soul through the sin of his ex wife. Lord I pray that he will forgive and move forward and understand his identity is not based on someone who does not love you nor follow you and that you are his identity and you want nothing but good things form him. Bless him, In Jesus Name,
Amen
Thank you Lord for bringing me to this webpage and allowing me to read other posts.
My heart goes out to each of you brothers and sisters going through this hell at various stages in our lives. We have been the chosen few by God strong enough to undergo this pain.
My wife had an affair two years ago and kicked ME out of OUR house so that she could be with her lover. A few months later she begged me back (because I later discovered that she’d become aware that her lover was already married with an expecting wife). I forgave her and took her back, only to be met with an un-remorseful heart. I knew that her heart was dark and sinful, so I left and filed for divorce even though I wanted nothing more but a restored marriage if she was willing to repent. I began moving forward and tried dating again, and my wife again begged me to restore our marriage. I was hesitant, but I did so because the Lord softened my heart. But two months into our attempted reconciliation, she has another affair with a different guy, and tells me she wants nothing to do with me as she has a “good man” who makes her “feel special” and “treats her right.” So imagine the pain of a re-opened wound from a previous affair and another wound on top of that from a new affair. She dragged our relationship to the darkest, ugliest pit of pits, and left me there to crawl my way out alone while she walks on a fairy tale ending. But I know better. GOD is good. Jesus is King of kings. I will be redeemed. In over a little over a month, after completely trusting my Lord and praying that His will be done, He has brought me so far in healing that I, myself, am surprised. That does not mean I no longer have bad days, for those days are needed as reminders that we need God more than ever.
However, we have to completely trust Him. He will teach you what emotions are stirred by Him, the Enemy, and you. For example, when I think of her and her lover in our bedroom, I give those thoughts to the Lord as they ultimately sin against Him, not me. So I forgive her and let His perfect Justice be done at his time. When I think of her and me, like when I used to caress her hair at night, I keep that in my heart and mourn the loss. When I think evil thoughts of revenge, I put up my shield of Trust and ask God to fight for me, as he said he would do. That discernment will allow you to be in His presence and take in His Peace.
He has blessed me by placing me in my church’s choir/worship team, allowing me to be part of a network that is supportive and offers fellowship.
In truth, we need all the blessings we can get at this point, because going through divorce against your will is truly, truly a spiritual warfare.
John, I’m sorry that you felt the article was unfairly slanted. This piece was originally written for Christian Women Today and so it is written primarily to a female audience. There are references to he/him/husband throughout the piece. It would make the article quite unwieldily to include both genders in every reference. It was not our intention to blame men out of hand, we were simply writing to our audience the same way a men’s magazine writes primarily, or even exclusively, to men.
Why does the article say under section “I feel betrayed and rejected” thats its a choice “he” made? This is so typical to blame the man how about it should read a choice he or she made?
Dear Charmaine,
I am standing with you, trusting the Lord to do what is good and right. I am also waiting for the Lord to restore my marriage, and in the meantime He has surprised me continually with joy when I least expected it, and peace when it seemed impossible according to the situation. He is faithful to us.
And, another note, something similar to what JJ said below, if Jesus is not in the center of a relationship it is not good, no matter how ‘happy’ people say they are or even seem to be. So, no matter what your eyes see going on between your husband and whoever else, your husband’s covenant is with you, and God’s desire is that he would repent and turn around. By faith we claim that we will see God’s will done in our husbands’ lives.
I will continue to pray for you.
PLEASE PRAY FOR MY MARRIAGE
Grace and Peace,
My name is chamaine and my ex husband name is brent we got divorce in march and I AM believing God to restore my marriage . but about three weeks this women came into this life and now there is just so much hatred in him towards me last night he told me never to speak to him in life again and in the last week when we speak he would curse me and we have 10 year old kid. I am feeling very hurt and would like to pray for God to help and have his way in this situation to bring peace and unforgivness SAVE my husband and restore is love for me and also remove this person from his life if he have to. Thank you
JJ, my heart aches for you as you are suffering the consequences of your husband’s betrayal. There are always consequences to sin and it is painful when you are impacted by the consequences of the sins of others.
Dear Heavenly Father
I lift up JJ to you right now and pray that You would restore the years that the locusts have eaten. Help her to trust You again in spite of the destruction of her family and her marriage. Help her to turn to you during this dark night of her soul and see You at work even in this. Amen
JJ, we have online mentors that would love to walk alongside of you as walk along this journey. You can find the mentor request form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
I was a good wife and mother and held my family in great esteem, working day and night to advance their interests and address their needs. My husband had an affair with a mom from my child’s school who has a child in my child’s class, divorced me against my will, never looked back and has legalized their adultery. I have prayed and fasted for restoration, nearly died trying to get God’s attention and a breakthrough. I have done nothing wrong. I have handled the situation with integrity and character. But my life is now wrecked. Three hurt children who had to see their father turn from a Christian pillar of the community to a deceived ensnared fallen man who had them dress up for his legalizing of his adultery/betrayal of his family ceremony. I am lonely and miss my family. His family has shunned me. My church was unhelpful after all I had done for the church and for God. I have yet to see evidence of God fighting for me. I have devoted myself to my children and am walking one foot in front of the other in this dark night of the soul. I hope that God does have a plan for me other than to be a lonely hurt old lady living by myself.
Lord God, I pray for Lydia as she finds herself in this terrible circumstance. I pray that you would protect her and her children from her ex-husband’s violence and destructive personality. I pray that You would provide a way out for her that will supply her family’s needs. I ask that You would break down her ex-husband’s destructive patterns and transform his heart through the saving work of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Lydia, I don’t know if you have people who can help you make decisions to find safety but if not, please do connect with one of our online mentors. They will point you in the direction of places where you can get help, they can encourage you and pray for you and your family. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
I divorced in 2008 but still stayed with my ex as he asked for a second chance and promised to change. He is an alcoholic and abusive. We later moved to another city with children. He never stopped drinking but later last year his old behaviours started to surface again. I am so sick of this situation and i am not doing justice to my kids. The man that drinks from Monday to Monday. Before i met him i had a house with everything and he was leaving with his family had nothing not even a suitcase.NOw he wants me to leave him with nothing . I am current unemployed and he is working. For the sake of my kids i really want out. I pray to God every day to give me strenght and a job so that i can start my new life.I know He will guide and lead me and restore my soul .I am prepare to leave with just my clothes and start all over again.
I read my comments from May 10 2009, and also the comment from Robbin from Jan 26 2012, and I can happily say that, like her, my life is now back on track. I have a wonderful man in my life and I am the happiest I’ve ever been. God did not let me down, I thank Him every day for helping me through such a difficult time in my life and leading me to where I am today. Keep faith, and hope, and one day you will get through this and it will make you a stronger person.
I have been officially divorced since April, 2011. I have been out of my ex-house since January of 2011. I thank God above for watching over me and guiding me, allowing me to be stupid at times so that I could fall on my face and see what I needed to in order to learn more about myself. I was married for 25yrs but with my ex for a total of 28yrs. We basically grew up together. We fell in love the only way that we knew to fall in love at a very young age, made many many mistakes, hurt each other deeply in various ways but ultimately grew apart as time went by. Our children are 25 and 22 but just because they were older when we divorced does not mean that they did not hurt or were not confused as a younger child would. Our family has gone through heaven and hell over the past 25 years. I just want to say that I know now that God has something truly amazing in store for all of us and it is in his time not our time. God has worked in my life and revealed many areas to me that I needed to work on in order to be the wife that someday I pray to be. I do feel that after a year God has sent someone into my life that has that true love for me and I him. I can not fathom my life without him nor can I fathom a different way of life. For the 1st time in my life I have someone that prays aloud with me, for me, in honor of me, Thanking God for me, and I truly feel it within the depths of my soul. I in turn can not fathom not feeling and doing these things for him as well. We never expected to find this type of love and never knew it existed, but it does.. In God’s time, God’s way, and only God can show us the way. Thank You God for my precious gift. A new beginning.
Hi cb, what you went through and is going through is very painful and traumatic. The fact that you decided not to want to live that way, is brave and I am sure it took a lot of courage to leave 30 years behind you.
Yes, you can be sure, that God will deliver you, and heal your heart and mind from the emotional pain and grief you are experiencing, He is our Comforter, our Healer, our Hope and our Deliverer. He is your Shepherd, in Psalm 23, David says about God “He restores my soul” (the memories, the trauma, the thoughts), and leads me in the path of righteousness for His Name sake” Psalm 23:3.
You are not alone, His presence is with you wherever you go, and He promises the goodness and mercy will follow you all the days of your life Psalm 23:6.
I would like to pray for you:”Heavenly Father, our Shepherd, thank You for your love, mercy and compassion on cb’s life, I pray that You would heal her heart, heal her soul, fill her with Your love,which is perfect, and comfort her soul.
I pray that You would mend her fragile heart with your hands of compassion and grace. That You would protect her, and lead her in the way that she should go. Thank you Lord that cb is in Your Mighty hands. In Jesus Name, Amen
cb, if you would like to speak to a mentor, please do, http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/ there are caring, God fearing women to stand by you, walk beside you, and listen to you in this time of need.
God bless you.
how do I deal with a husband of more than 30 years who had me move to a third world country to share an apartment with him and his new love – half his age, who is a transgender girl. I did not stay there, I could not bear it, I am moving on, do not want him back, however the pain of rejection and the memories left behind do hurt at times. I pray God will deliver me of the grief I experience and hope to start a new life with new people in it.
[...] Life After Divorce: Now What? [...]
Your words Kate are a real inspiration. We try ourselves to help ourselves, but often get it wrong!! Perhaps i am best in not doing anything, in trying to heal my heart. My world has been rocked and shattered, beyond to how it was, and this new way of life for me has been very strange, forcibly put onto me by my ex and her “relationship” with her bondage master. The day to day process that i know i have to got through, has been tortuous, but very steadily, not as fast as i wish, my heart is coming round, albeit very slowly. God i know, will provide the answer,not only for me, but for the other poor souls on here as well….
I hope you don’t need this reminder, but know that your tears are precious to the Lord, that is why He promises He will wipe away every tear from our eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things will have passed away. The best I believe we can do with our tears is plant them at the cross, meaning pour them out to Jesus, remembering His sacrifice is the greatest of all. The reason I say pour your tears out at the cross is because God promises that with Him pain is never in vain, the pain of the cross you’re bearing today WILL be followed by a resurrection! Believe Him for this, have faith for this because He is who He says He is, and He can do what He says He can do! God didn’t say we would be free from pain or sorrow, but that He would always be with us, even down into the pit, and He will work ALL things for our good. So yes, we endure pain, as did Jesus our Saviour, but we have a promise and hope, no matter what. He promises to turn our mourning into joy and to give gladness for sorrow, and while we are citizens of heaven and this is not our home, the promises are true in this life; by faith we claim them, believing in our heavenly Father’s purpose for us on this earth. What’s more, He sets us free from self-pity and over-analysis by reminding us that His ways are better than ours, His thoughts are higher than ours and we are not to lean on our own understanding, but on Him!
David, God is dealing with your wife. Praise Him for it! Though you can’t see it, you know that He is fighting for you! Our battles are not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities. Praise God for never resting on your behalf! He never tires or wearies of hearing you call on His name, putting your full faith and trust in Him. Take your eyes off the storm, and fix your eyes firmly on Him. Praise Him for being the awesome God of reconciliation! Praise Him that He is breathing life into the dry bones of your marriage! Praise Him that He is using His incomparable power to transform your marriage from desolate into the Garden of Eden so that ALL who see will fear the Lord and call you a couple that is blessed by God! Praise Him that He has given you the authority, by the blood and name of our Lord Jesus, to call into existence the things that do not exist. Then exercise your believer’s authority by speaking life over your wife, by declaring your faith in the good things God is doing in your marriage! Declare Jesus’ blood over your marriage, ask Him to cleanse both your wounds and heal you both, and to seal the door to divorce with His blood. The enemy will have to bow or flee, according to God’s will and timing.
God has a plan that is being worked out, He promises you victory in this life, and the victory comes by faith! Meditate on this: ‘…it depends on faith, in order that the promise may rest on grace and be guaranteed…’ (Romans 4:15). God is in control, no matter how things look. He has everything worked out, He just wants you to believe Him for it so that it can be made manifest!!! Let nothing rock your faith, because no matter how big your faith is, no matter how ‘impossible’ your situation is, GOD IS BIGGER AND STRONGER AND MORE CAPABLE than we can ever imagine.
Kate: I cry out to the Lord every day. Many others are praying too. The pain still lingers and I have cried an ocean full of tears. People just don’t comprehend how they can have an adulterous heart without committing the physical act.
The Lord is our help and our deliverer. Cry to Him, because He honours those who trust in Jesus’ name. You can cry to Him in confidence because He is a fortress and a refuge, and a broken and contrite heart He will not disdain. He offers Himself as our hiding place, and promises He will preserve us from trouble. Know that we do not have a God who doesn’t know our suffering – just like us He was rejected, scorned and spat upon. Just like us, He is grieved by adulterous hearts!!!(Ezekiel 6:9) Much like us His love is spurned daily, though He poured out Himself for His beloved people, so few of us return the love, so few of us have the relationship with Him He is worthy of! Truly, He knows the pain of rejection we feel and He is the answer!
After 1 year of having the love of my life walk away from our home, it certainly does not feel as though there is life after divorce.
As a former pastor I am burdened with thoughts of how a Christian marriage can be so easily destroyed; how someone takes their vows so lightly. I know she is saved and I struggle with knowing that God has not dealt with her heart about restoration.
Please pray for Aletha that she will see her need for that sweet fellowship with the Lord and that her heart will be so moved as to restore our marriage.
Im not officially divorced but im in the middle of the process, but i have separated with my ex for over 3 years now. I recently bumped into him and it was the most awkward moment for me & emotional time.
We have one child who is 3.. but he also has his own kids and a new MRS… it has been a rough and hard long 3 years of separation but i know deep down that God does have a plan for me and my daughter!
God has loved us from the beginning and we should not lose faith in him!
May God bless everyone on here!
i have been divorced for 5 yrs, it has been a struggle. in my 5th year i started dating a married man. knowing it was not right from the start i did it anyway. now a year later i ended it because of my relationship with GOD he spoke to my spirit and revealed to me what i had already known to be true. what does that make me? trusting him because he has never failed me!i don’t beat myself up because i know that i am human and what i do is what i am suppose to do, that’s why GOD is GOD and he decides. however GOD has a way of loving me in the midst of it all. i am so grateful that GOD is GOD and he is the judge and the jury and that in spite of my mess he loves me and wants me to be happy again. any encouragment or words of wisdom, scripture readings are welcome. your sister in Christ, ~gg
I am so dis-heartened to hear “the other side of marriage”, and now having lost my lovely wife, who has become a sex slave with BDSM and owes her aliengence to a bondage master. This i am reminded of everytime i see her, with her wedding ring around her neck. Just what does go through peoples minds when they get mixed up with this sort of evil, having been married for 14 years, with a lovely 14 year old daughter in the middle of this madness. I have given up all hope of ever restoring our marriage, we have lost our home through this, she has lost her self esteem, as it all had to go to court, and her family are fuming. I pray every night, but as much as my ex knows i have my faith, she is a self confessed athiest, just as her “partner” is on facebook, self described as a devout atheist. It was obvious that i just couldnt give her, what she wanted. I pray that God puts me on the right course, as i cannot go on living like this.
I can identify with Chris and Crystal. I was married for 20 years to a man who, over the years, turned from what I believed was a sincere Christian with a light in his eyes and good work ethic to someone who went off the rails into drugs, alcohol, porno and became verbally abusive and cruel. I stayed as long as I could, and when I filed, I felt schizoid. I was so happy not to be living with that man but I certainly felt like a failed Christian. What helped me the most was to take stock and confess to God what I might have done to contribute to the demise of the marriage and ask for forgiveness, and then I asked the Lord to help me forgive my husband and bless him (THAT WAS HARD). I took some criticism, but my true friends stood by me. The verse that comforted me and has proved true five years down the road is Joel 2:25. “I will restore to you the years the locust has eaten.” I am remarried to a “real” Christian man who prays with me, reads his Bible, allow the Holy Spirit to convict him when he goofs up, as we all do, and tho’ all married couples have their challenges, this marriage is God’s restoration to me of the long, lonely, miserable jail sentence of a marriage I had before. His mercies are renewed every morning, and even if we have messed up or made a mistake, He is faithful to forgive and set us back on the right path. You’re not disqualified from happiness.
I truly thank God for my daughter and i sincerely pray that someday i will have a son of my own and with His help together, my life will be re-built. He is there everyday for me and every lonely night. I pray with all my might every night that He will take my heart and repair it. It is shredded like many people on here to the extent that i feel that only divine intervention will have the power to heal it, unlike my efforts that have been fruitless.
I pray that everybody on here will receive their answer……..
My whole life I sacrificed to this man, was his door mat, was mentally abused, but I stayed as I loved him. He was extremely jealous of me, but as I aged, he could not care, I wish him and his 16yr old Asian girl all the best.
Hi, I had enough of “not being good enough”, too fat, not clever enough, always fighting…etc…etc…etc…now I’ve realised to leave was wrong and that I am not allowed to get married again? I am so confused!
I am so greatful that God brought me to the article. I am recently divorced. I have felt so lost and as if I have failed at my marrage. I had tried for 5 years to get my husband to stop all the verbal and emotional abuse. I had thought that we were getting some where finally and them I had become very ill. I was doubled over in pain, running fever, and was very weak it took all I could do just to call the doctors ofgice as they told me to go to the er that I could have appendisitis. I called my husband who was at work to come get me, that I needed to go to the hospital . It was then when he proceed to tell me, “I can’t leave right now I’m working”. I could not beleive that his job was more important than getting me to the hospital. Soon after when I had not got any better and he still continued to ignor my need fir him to help and care for me when I had cared for him in his hour of need I filed fir divorce. To this day I still feel like I failed and that maybe I could have done just a little more. I have praied for God’s forgivness. I hope and pray he will one day fir give me and heal my heart that has broken so many times during my marrage and even after it was over.
Chris..you should not feel bad..the bible says that we are not here for abuse..its not only adultery..you should move forward. God has not let you down. Maybe he opened the door for you to leave him. NO one needs an alcoholic abusive husband. Your church is wrong doing what they are doing..Move forward, pray to God and look for another church..it is not God’s fault. illnani1@aol.com
I prayed every day to help me get through one more day with my alcoholic, abusive husband. In the end, when I saw how it was affecting my children I took a stand and asked him to leave. I was still hoping to work on our marriage and get back together as we had done in the past but he met another woman within two weeks and decided to stay with her. I have now divorced him but I feel terribly let down by God for not answering my prayers and I feel rejected by my church for saying that divorced people are breaking the church law. How do I deal with this? His family rejected me, many of my family have rejected me as well for divorcing him. My circle of supportive friends and family has shrunk, and I now no longer go to church.
This Easter I realized that Jesus died for me to have an abundant life. Now I am determined to live the life He died for and I no longer will sit in the tomb of despair, anger, bitterness, and rejection. Those things will not hold me back from living a greater life as a single woman. Praise God!
after 5 yrs of divorce, i am still going through, somedays i wonder if i made the right decision and other days i know that i did..
please pray for me and also any suggestions or words of wisdom, scriptures would be helpful.
be blessed
I recently was divorced and it is the hardest thing in theworld. I never thought I would be divorced after two children and being the best wife I could be. My husband had an affair and it was just too much for me so I went through with the divorce. Its still fresh because he is still with the same woman he had the affair with. I know that God works miracles and that he will bring justice because I have done nothing wrong. In due time, I will see God working my way. I know everything is a process and its okay to cry, scream and vent when you need to. It takes time and its a working process.
Catherine, I also had a very very hard time dealing with my anger and hurt. I thought that crying and being hurt was useless because the damage was done. That began to manifest itself in my body. I began to have back spasms, and my shoulders and neck began to give me pain. A minister friend of mine explained that I needed to let all that go and cry or else I’d never be delivered. That was the HARDEST thing for me to do; admit I was human and I was in pain. God cares so much about us, and I thank Him daily for it. OK I think I’m done lol
Thank you so much for reminding me of Gods word. So many people have shown such religious attitudes when I tried to pour out my pain and confusion and all the other feelings of betrayal after 15years of soo much together. Its good to know bitterness, anger depression keeping to self are all to be expected. Thank you for reminding me there is hope in Gods unconditional love for me and I can even go on in life.. at 49years of age
Hi, When my first husband left me, it took a few years to get used to being single again. However I went on a weekend retreat called The Beginning Experience” This enabled me to get rid of the anger, hurt, bitterness and all of those feeling associated with divorce. During this weekend there was a talk give about Gods Unconditional Love. Not being a Christian at the time I tried not to listen, I hadn’t come to hear about God, what had he ever done for me. But, I heard a distinct voice in my head saying “Be still and listen” I did, and that turned my life again. From that talk I became a Christian, and have since met and remarried a Christian man. Ther is life after divorce.
I am recently divorced from a man I’ve known for over 30 years. We have 2 children. I have found that my children have kept me grounded and have given me strength. I thank God for them. Dont underestimate them;they’re stronger than you think! God has done some AMAZING things in our lives and I thank Him for that comfort and peace. I will continue to pray for all of us who are going through this. God has something and/or someone wonderful for us!!
Needed this article today. I have been divorced for several years. Having children can keep the wound fresh because you still have so much contact. I have struggled with the fact he seems to be getting everything and I have been stuck with clean up on aisle ten. I continue to pray and struggle with getting my life on track. thanks for this article.
Thank you. I so needed to hear this today, and especially to be reminded that God is always with me & “has plans for me”.
I am going through a traumatic separation and settlement & have xperienced all those feelings spoken about.