Advice: The End of a Relationship
About a year ago, I began a dating relationship with a wonderful Christian man whom I’d been friends with for four years. We had what we thought to be the perfect relationship because we are best friends who fell in love, both Christians. He has always been attentive and loving, anxiously making plans for our future together as husband and wife.
A couple of months ago, he stopped mentioning the subject of our future together. When I questioned him, he’d tell me to just trust in the fact that he loves me. Something still felt wrong, but we didn’t know what it was. He continued to pull away. Then about two weeks ago, he ended our dating relationship, saying that he loved me, but did not know what he wanted. Days later, we realized that the problem was that we both began to venture away from God. He admitted to me that he had been putting me first in his life, rather than God. He said that he could not continue a relationship with me because he knew it wouldn’t work unless he put God first in his life – and I agree.
We have both since re-dedicated our lives to God. We also agreed that we would always be best friends, regardless. The problem now is that he says he isn’t ready to pick up the relationship again and I don’t understand why. I’m being his best friend and I’m backing off and I’m praying every day for him. But I miss him terribly. This is so hard for me. What else can I do?
It’s understandable that this is a major heartbreak for you. But, it’s important to face the facts and realize that your boyfriend wants to end the relationship and is trying to be as nice as possible about it with you. I would encourage you end the relationship completely. Tell him that you no longer want contact with him because it is too hard to go back to “just friends”.
Move forward. I think that you should get on with your life and seek God’s will for yourself. Praying for him will be difficult because he has hurt you and it keeps the focus on him. You need to get the focus off of him and move on. It will be hard but it’s better not to hang on hoping he will change his mind. Praying for him is ok but limit it to once a day and pray that God will help give you the strength to do His will.
Grow from this experience. Purchase the book Finding the Love of Your Life: Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner by Neil Clark Warren. Now that he has changed his mind and wants to just be friends – it would be hard to trust him again if he said he is committed to you. You should not take him back. You need someone you can count on with good character qualities – someone who is godly. Read about givers and takers.
Give yourself time to grieve. Realize that God knew this was going to happen all along. He is not up in heaven wringing His hands over this. If God wanted you together – your ex-boyfriend would feel the same way you do and his character would reflect more godly qualities. God wants a man in your life who will be committed for a lifetime to you and to Christ and who will consistently reflect the fruit of the Holy Spirit. Trust God. He will guide you through this. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”
©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC