But I’m not letting that ruin my marriage.
I’ve rehearsed this scene in my mind 10,000 times: My husband, Barry, walks through the front door and says he has a surprise for me. He asks, “What’s the one thing you want most in the world?” At first I’m confused, but when I look into his eyes, I know. He doesn’t have to say it, but he does anyway: “I’ve given my life to Christ.”
But after years of praying, waiting, and hoping, so far that’s still a daydream.
Barry and I met and married 28 years ago. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing: He liked my then-red hair and green eyes; I liked his broad shoulders and sense of humor. Plus, he was easy to talk to. As unbelievers, neither of us had a clue what our future would be. We just thought a life together would be a kick. A relationship with Christ was the last
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Our first three years of marriage were filled with partying, softball, and the birth of our first daughter. Then, almost without warning, God drew me into a relationship with himself. After overhearing some Christians in the office where I worked talk about heaven, I began asking questions. Although I’d attended church as a child, I knew nothing about the Bible and salvation. Then one day after a long talk with Rita, one of my coworkers, I prayed a simple prayer: “Jesus save me!” That prayer forever changed my life—and my marriage as I knew it.
I wrote the handbook on how not to win your spouse to Christ
Unfortunately for Barry, right from the start I was one of those obnoxious “Jesus freaks.” I didn’t share my new faith with my husband; I pushed, forced, and shoved. Believe me, I wrote the handbook on how not to win your spouse to Christ. I didn’t speak, I preached. I didn’t live out my faith quietly; I trumpeted my every minute change. I’d say, “See what God’s done in my life? See how loving and humble I now am?” I prayed loudly in Barry’s presence and made sure he knew he was a sinner destined for hell. I even packed gospel tracts in his lunch and added a Bible verse at the end of all my love notes to him.
To Barry’s credit, he remained incredibly patient. (Maybe he was just tuning me out.) Most of the time he avoided my religious rampages by tinkering with our car. Sometimes, though, he’d get angry and yell, “Stop with all the Jesus stuff!” Barry told me he threw the gospel tracts away because they embarrassed him in front of his friends. Once in a while he’d get a pained look on his face and say he wanted his “old wife” back—Jesus-free.
Soon we were at odds with each other. I blamed any and all our marital problems on his unsaved status. After all, if we were both Christians, life would be “happy-ever-after.” Or so I imagined. I tried even harder: blasting my Christian music and scattering opened Bibles around the house; crying and pleading with him to go to church with me. Sometimes, Barry would go. But instead of enjoying him next to me in church, I’d sit there chewing nervously on the end of my pen, praying madly that this would be The Day. Afterwards, I’d quiz him in the car, “What did you think of the sermon? Did you like the music?”
“It was okay,” he’d say. “Do we have any turkey at home for a sandwich?”
The rest of the ride home, I’d sit and fight back either tears or angry words. Why couldn’t he see his need for Christ? I’d fume. Then Barry, sensing my disappointment, would pat my shoulder and say, “Look, I believe in God, but not in the same way you do.” That was not the answer I wanted to hear.
Intercessory prayer — the right way
Then something unexpected happened. I’d been reading a book about intercessory prayer when I had a sudden flash of insight. I told myself, That’s it! I’m going to pray for Barry for the next 80 years, if that’s what it takes. And I’m going to love him. Period.
That was 25 years ago—and I’m still praying and loving. But I’m no longer pining away in self-absorbed isolation waiting desperately for my husband’s salvation to bring marital fulfillment. Instead, I’ve decided that if it takes 80 years, then I want those years to be as enjoyable as possible for the both of us, despite our spiritual differences.
When I first came to faith in Christ and Barry hadn’t, I thought God had made a huge mistake. After all, two following God together made more sense than one. But I now know God never makes mistakes. Since I’d been an unbeliever when we married, I hadn’t willfully disobeyed God by marrying Barry. My situation is by God’s sovereign design. Reminding myself of that enables me to relax my spiritual chokehold on Barry.
The way I see it, God has a plan for each life. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot transform someone else’s heart. I can’t coerce, sweet-talk, or plead my husband into being a Christian. In fact, when I do try, it only drives him away—sometimes literally. If I start nagging him, he’ll get in his truck and drive for hours.
I decided long ago to accept that it’s God’s job to change hearts. That decision frees me to pursue my relationship with God without the added burden of having to bring my husband to faith. All I have to do is love and enjoy him. That’s God’s plan for me, and he gives me all the grace I need to accomplish it.
That doesn’t mean I’m not lonely at times or that I do everything right. The other day I grabbed Barry by the shirt and yelled, “Don’t you see Christ in me?” Struck by the irony of the question, he laughed—and to my surprise, said yes. It helps to remember that Barry’s not my enemy; he’s my husband. I’m just as much a sinner as he is—maybe more so because I have the power to say no to sin and often don’t.
When your loved one doesn’t love God
Here are a few things I’ve learned over these 20-plus years
I don’t understand why God does what he does. We have two daughters who don’t have the role model of a Christian husband and father. I used to worry about that. As it’s turned out, each daughter gave her life to Christ as a preschooler. Alison, now married, lives out her faith with a believing husband, while Laura’s going through a time of teenage rebellion—but even that’s in God’s hands. As evidenced throughout the Bible, God is in the habit of saving families. That gives me great hope.
Trusting God while you wait
Even so, sometimes I get discouraged. Sometimes I sit in my brown armchair and question whether God even hears my prayers. Or I sit in church and count the couples and ache because few know what my husband even looks like. Or I’ll hear yet another testimony about someone else’s husband coming to faith, and wonder why mine still seems oblivious to his need. But then there are times when Barry exhibits greater faith than I do. In fact, that’s a joke we share. I’m the one who says I have faith, while he’s the one who seems to live it.
He’s always telling me, “Why do you worry about things? God always takes care of us.” Barry almost always knows the right thing to do when it comes to leading our family. I believe that because God sees us as one flesh, my husband shares in my blessings. Because God’s promised to lead me, he leads my husband as well. I don’t have to fret. God’s in control.
The truth is, I might not ever see Barry walk a church aisle, but that’s okay. I have hope that I’ll see him walk through heaven. In the meantime, I live my life as a gift—one I never would have chosen, but one I’ve come to accept with gratitude. I know it comes from the hand of a loving God who only gives his children the best.
Tags: church, honor, hope, husband, love, marriage, Men, nancy kennedy, non-Christian, pray, salvation, unbeliever, wife, Women
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Thank you for this story and the suggestions. I am going to print them and tag them up on my
office wall, as a reminder.
I am a Jewish woman who was found by Christ when I was in college. I married a Jewish man who is, for all intents & purposes, spiritually agnostic. We can talk spirituality and religion, in the abstract, but let me tell him that I want to go to church, and the petty, angry behavior begins. Not God-centered behavior on either of our parts!
Luckily, I have a circle of women friends who know my journey, some where present at my baptism, and who love me and my husband. They see that he is a good man and loves me fiercely.
So, I will take your words to heart: I will let go of my worries, I will honor my husband, I will draw strength from my faith, from my friends and from knowing that I am not the only person who has walked this path.
God bless you.
This is wonderful beyond words…I am going to pass it on…blessings Brenda
It’s amazing how God has mould you & use you to encourage women with similar plight like myself.. Praise the Lord. Thank you for the encouragement & sharing your experience. Yup indeed, God has a purpose and plan for each life.
Thank you, so much, for sharing your story….I am living in a very similar situation. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone……God Bless, Melanie
Nancy, I read your book a few years ago and now recommend it to any women in our situation. I have been through the same stages you mention and am still praying and loving my husband of 36yrs. I find God slowly softening his heart and I rejoice at each day I have with him but it is lonely at times and your book made me feel understood. Thank you for being a blessing to me.
Hi there! I am in the same situation you have been in/are in and when I read this all of my questions and worries were answered. You are such an amazing woman to think the way you do! My husbands family and friends are constantly trying to pull him back with pressure whereas I am leaving it all to God and living my life as a Christian. Today, I felt so alone because I thought perhaps the feelings I was having (like the way you handled all of this…accept him, love him and don’t pressure him) were wrong since everyone else around me was acting differently and shunning him, yelling at him, making him feel guilty about hurting his wife and pressuring him. I cannot tell you how happy I was to have read your story. I, too, am printing it out and will read it as often as I need to. I really respect and admire your outlook on faith! I am struggling with a few different things though such as when we got married we were both devoted to God and after we had our second child he told me he doesn’t believe anymore. I used to love going to church and listening to God’s Word with my husband but now I am finding that I am jealous of other wives who have the thing that I want. My husband in church. But, it is something I will have to get used to. How did you manage that loneliness in church? your sister in faith, Heather
Good Day,
Thanks for sharing your testimony. I thought I was the only married women with this issue and I feel very much alone. I want so much to share with others how I feel but I can’t seem to do it. My husband has a license to preach and was in the middle of preparing for ordination when he chose to stop going to church, deciding that there was not a church good enough, if that is possible for him. Finally, my daughter and I joined another church. My story will take too long to tell, please pray that God will allow me to let go and let God. I can’t seem to pray because I feel that I’m unworthy of God’s grace.
Glory, glory and glory to the Lamb of God who is in control of all situations. Wow, you talk about looking at yourself in the mirror, I just have because I am in the exact situation. I have been married twenty-five years and came into the saving faith and grace of Our Heavenly August 14, 1984 and have tried so hard to get my husband saved by myself. I prayed to God to save him but I kept wanting it done now that I kept my hands on it. My husband was stricken with cancer and he prayed to God to save him and he would serve him for the rest of his life. How glad and thankful I was when I heard him pray that prayer. Little did know though that his mother had been convincing to join the Jehovah Witness organization and to pray to Jehovah for a miracle. He just what mom wanted, he joined the Jehovah Witness and now our marriage has had more ups and downs because he says I do not know the “right” Jehovah God. This article is really a blessing to me, I will LET GO and LET GOD be GOD of our marriage. I will be the submissive (respectful and encouraging) wife that God expects me to be. I made my husband, my little “god” and the eternal God has gotten my attention because I truly depended more on my husband than I did on God even though I love God with ALL my heart, mind, soul and strength. I see now how I was blinded but still in love with God. So thank you so much for the encouragement as I walk back to GOD with a repentant heart and a transformed mind. HALLELUJAH TO THE LAMB OF GOD, VICTORY IN JESUS, victory in my marriage, victory in ALL marriages. I have learned how to pray differently after reading this article. GOD IS ABLE AND MORE THAN WILLING. Thank you Jesus.
I enjoyed this article not only because I understand the plight, but because I’m still struggling with learning how to pray. My husband and I have bounced back and forth in church and out of it. I am more dilligent about going than he is. For some reason he believes that when I’m involved in church, and other ministries I believe in, that I am a prude, and uninteresting, as opposed to when I’m living a life of “sexy goddess behavior” where I’m involved in having fun w/ him, and making him proud to have such a sexy fun wife. I am conflicted and confused, and still do not know which way to go. He is opposed to the church that I go to, says it’s too loud, and he doesn’t like the preacher. I became a member much to his chagrin, and disappointment, and he hates that I want to be involved. He also despises the ministry that I have involved myself in because it has “taken me away” from him. I also volunteered to work in the toddler room at church w/out his “permission” and so he is upset at me for that, because I attend two services instead of one. I love him, and I want him to understand my passion for being involved in Church as a inspiration to keep my bond w/ God strong, but it seems as though he negates it at every turn, and even berates it…making me feel hopeless and frustrated. I wish that I could come to some sort of peace in this, but I have not been able to. I do pray, but sometimes I don’t believe I’m praying hard enough, or maybe I’m not praying correctly. I have no idea. This article did help me. I just wanted to vent, and hope that someone has some advice.
Oh my goodness! I can’t believe I came across this article after so many years! I have been married almost 29 years and I am a very devoted christian, but my husband is not. He also wants me to live the “sexy goddess life” as Tina stated and I hate it! If I don’t he is so unhappy and impossible to live with! I love him very much and continue to pray for God to “soften his heart of stone”. Tina, I have no advice because I too am in a similar situation. I am going to print the article, keep it handy and continue praying. I will also pray for you. It is so bad at my house, that I do my bible study and daily devotions in hiding – without him knowing! I pray sincerely, but it is so hard to COMPLETELY turn it over to God and let Him work in his own time.
The only thing I know to do besides pulling my hair out, is to pray. I am pretty sure that I have a Pharoah on my hands…symbolically speaking. He is so against the ministry I want to do because of how I got into it. There is no changing how I got into it…and therefore there is no way he’s ever going to approve of it. This is one of those situations where I dont’ know whether to follow God’s direction, or just back off, and let God punish him for not letting me do what I need to be doing. It has become so bad, and I have been influenced to the point that I don’t even do bible study or daily devotions. I feel like I have a mask of a Christian on, even though I feel that way in Spirit. It’s been very aggravating, and I hope that it will change, but I don’t see it doing so, until God is ready to change it. Thanks for the prayers.
Thank you so much for your story. I’m going through a very similar story. I was a believer but didn’t go to church when my husband and I got married. After several years, I started back going to church with our children. I finally encouraged my husband to join us and both children became believers and one night my husband accepted Christ as his savior…but then almost as soon as he did, our church fell apart and it was very disturbing to my husband. Since then I can’t get him back in church, and even though, I really haven’t been back in church either, I still believe and pray and read my Bible. When I mention anything about God or his goodness, I see the rolling of the eyes in disbelief.
Your story helped me to understand to just keep praying for him. And I know, I need to get myself back in church.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to have my faith and love my husband too and your story hit that question straight on.
Thank you so much.
I really needed to read this story, thank you for sharing it. I have recently started praying for my husband. Although he does attend church with me, I know he is not truly giving himself to God. He is still trying to control his own life and destiny, and is pulling awaying from me and our children. I have realized that all I can do is pray daily for him to walk towards God and that he finds a relationship with God. I pray that his heart will soften and he won’t have so much anger and bitterness in him. Beyond those prayers though, I know the walk has to be between him and God~ I cannot control it. All I can do is continue in my own walk and relationship with God and hope that he finds his own way some day.
Tina~ I completely understand what you’re going thru and hope that you do not give up. Stay Strong and know that God is there with you thru every step.
Blessings~
Jenne
This is what I needed to read today!! In short I was raised by my mom as a christian but had a hard time living it thru teenage and young adult hood,,even though in the back of my mind I loved Jesus and knew the way to go I easily went the other way…thus marrying my husband 10 years ago…..we now have 2 children ages 8 and 4 and I know that I want the best for them now and in the afterlife of heaven…he of course was never raised in church or with anywords of Jesus for that matter, and he is not open to it…..he will not stop me from going to church, nor to take them, but he has no problem saying how he feels on the matter and wants our children to choose for themselves….he believes the church “brainwashes” you and takes your money…..Last week we sent our daughter to a Christian based camp…somewhere in there he claims he didnt know it was christian until she brought back papers from it a week later….thus calling it “garbage”…..this threw me into a whirlwind,,,not much of anger but mostly of hurt….it hurt my feeling that he called what I believed “garbage” and also hurt in the form of breaking my heart that the total fun, learning, etc. my daughter just experianced was now”garbage”….after a long crying argument–mostly on my part because he always avoids talking,discussing,arguing–we parted for the day….I am at a loss….i now know this will be a battle for many years….looking at what rebellion I put on my mom and the struggle she had everyday to point me in the right direction, I only hope that my children can grasp this love of god early enought and surround themselves in it…and I hope that my husband, who is a loving and kind person, wont disturbe it…..
[...] My Husband Doesn’t Share My Faith [...]
if this things happen continue living to our Lord Christ Jesus dont stops for this is challenge to husband and wives who have different beliefs but in the end God will do miracle. as your husband see in you, that you are brave woman,continue praying and steps by steps; by you as key of your house and instrument of God to your family and to others and good example, it will change into new things. just believe in what you believe in it will be done with the help of our Lord God. because God love you so much and He will find the best in you. always and because you hear His voice and you followe Him as it said John 10:3-4 to HIm the porter openenth and the sheep hear his voice and He calleth His own sheep by name and leadenth them out;and when he putheth forth His own sheep, he goes before them and the sheep follow him for they know His voice. May the Lord God bless you always
In Jesus name
Amen