My Husband Doesn’t Share My Faith
I’ve rehearsed this scene in my mind 10,000 times: My husband, Barry, walks through the front door and says he has a surprise for me. He asks, “What’s the one thing you want most in the world?” At first I’m confused, but when I look into his eyes, I know. He doesn’t have to say it, but he does anyway: “I’ve given my life to Christ.”
But after years of praying, waiting, and hoping, so far that’s still a daydream.
Barry and I met and married 28 years ago. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing: He liked my then-red hair and green eyes; I liked his broad shoulders and sense of humor. Plus, he was easy to talk to. As unbelievers, neither of us had a clue what our future would be. We just thought a life together would be a kick. A relationship with Christ was the last thing on our minds!
Our first three years of marriage were filled with partying, softball, and the birth of our first daughter. Then, almost without warning, God drew me into a relationship with himself. After overhearing some Christians in the office where I worked talk about heaven, I began asking questions. Although I’d attended church as a child, I knew nothing about the Bible and salvation. Then one day after a long talk with Rita, one of my coworkers, I prayed a simple prayer: “Jesus save me!” That prayer forever changed my life—and my marriage as I knew it.
I wrote the handbook on how not to win your spouse to Christ
Unfortunately for Barry, right from the start I was one of those obnoxious “Jesus freaks.” I didn’t share my new faith with my husband; I pushed, forced, and shoved. Believe me, I wrote the handbook on how not to win your spouse to Christ. I didn’t speak, I preached. I didn’t live out my faith quietly; I trumpeted my every minute change. I’d say, “See what God’s done in my life? See how loving and humble I now am?” I prayed loudly in Barry’s presence and made sure he knew he was a sinner destined for hell. I even packed gospel tracts in his lunch and added a Bible verse at the end of all my love notes to him.
To Barry’s credit, he remained incredibly patient. (Maybe he was just tuning me out.) Most of the time he avoided my religious rampages by tinkering with our car. Sometimes, though, he’d get angry and yell, “Stop with all the Jesus stuff!” Barry told me he threw the gospel tracts away because they embarrassed him in front of his friends. Once in a while he’d get a pained look on his face and say he wanted his “old wife” back—Jesus-free.
Soon we were at odds with each other. I blamed any and all our marital problems on his unsaved status. After all, if we were both Christians, life would be “happy-ever-after.” Or so I imagined. I tried even harder: blasting my Christian music and scattering opened Bibles around the house; crying and pleading with him to go to church with me. Sometimes, Barry would go. But instead of enjoying him next to me in church, I’d sit there chewing nervously on the end of my pen, praying madly that this would be The Day. Afterwards, I’d quiz him in the car, “What did you think of the sermon? Did you like the music?”
“It was okay,” he’d say. “Do we have any turkey at home for a sandwich?”
The rest of the ride home, I’d sit and fight back either tears or angry words. Why couldn’t he see his need for Christ? I’d fume. Then Barry, sensing my disappointment, would pat my shoulder and say, “Look, I believe in God, but not in the same way you do.” That was not the answer I wanted to hear.
Intercessory prayer — the right way
Then something unexpected happened. I’d been reading a book about intercessory prayer when I had a sudden flash of insight. I told myself, That’s it! I’m going to pray for Barry for the next 80 years, if that’s what it takes. And I’m going to love him. Period.
That was 25 years ago—and I’m still praying and loving. But I’m no longer pining away in self-absorbed isolation waiting desperately for my husband’s salvation to bring marital fulfillment. Instead, I’ve decided that if it takes 80 years, then I want those years to be as enjoyable as possible for the both of us, despite our spiritual differences.
When I first came to faith in Christ and Barry hadn’t, I thought God had made a huge mistake. After all, two following God together made more sense than one. But I now know God never makes mistakes. Since I’d been an unbeliever when we married, I hadn’t willfully disobeyed God by marrying Barry. My situation is by God’s sovereign design. Reminding myself of that enables me to relax my spiritual chokehold on Barry.
The way I see it, God has a plan for each life. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot transform someone else’s heart. I can’t coerce, sweet-talk, or plead my husband into being a Christian. In fact, when I do try, it only drives him away—sometimes literally. If I start nagging him, he’ll get in his truck and drive for hours.
I decided long ago to accept that it’s God’s job to change hearts. That decision frees me to pursue my relationship with God without the added burden of having to bring my husband to faith. All I have to do is love and enjoy him. That’s God’s plan for me, and he gives me all the grace I need to accomplish it.
That doesn’t mean I’m not lonely at times or that I do everything right. The other day I grabbed Barry by the shirt and yelled, “Don’t you see Christ in me?” Struck by the irony of the question, he laughed—and to my surprise, said yes. It helps to remember that Barry’s not my enemy; he’s my husband. I’m just as much a sinner as he is—maybe more so because I have the power to say no to sin and often don’t.
When your loved one doesn’t love God
Here are a few things I’ve learned over these 20-plus years
- Live in the now. I don’t pine for a “happy-ever-after someday.” Instead, I accept things as they are, building on what’s good (such as enjoying each other’s company and planning for our future together), and praying about what’s not so good. Sometimes that means going into a bar with Barry and having a good time drinking a soda—and letting him know I love him just as he is. It’s what Jesus would do.
- Live honestly. In living out my faith, I let my husband see me stumble and struggle. He knows I struggle with fear, that I can’t pass a basket in a store without buying it, and that I sin regularly and often, yet desire not to. That way, he sees that a Christian’s life is one of grace alone, rather than living by a set of rigid rules. Any changes in me aren’t by my effort, but by Christ living in me.
- Honor your marriage. I’m careful not to talk negatively about Barry to anyone, and when he’s home, he’s my priority. This often means passing up social events I dearly want to attend. I seek opportunities to enjoy my husband and build him up, convinced he’s God’s gift to me.
- Pray, pray, pray. Prayer is my link to God’s presence, power, wisdom, and comfort. My favorite Scripture to pray is Ezekiel 36:26, that God will take Barry’s heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh. Another favorite is Isaiah 30:21: “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’” Although it’s hard to pinpoint specific answers to prayer for Barry, I’ve seen his attitude toward spiritual things change drastically over the years. We often talk openly and freely about God.
- Find a support system. Surround yourself with other women who’ll pray with and for you. Also, study the Bible with a friend or small group. Attend church as often as you are able.
- Never give up hope. God offers everyone the same gift of salvation and eternal life. Some choose to accept it, and others don’t. But all who accept the gift do so in God’s timing, not ours. God knows what he’s doing.
I don’t understand why God does what he does. We have two daughters who don’t have the role model of a Christian husband and father. I used to worry about that. As it’s turned out, each daughter gave her life to Christ as a preschooler. Alison, now married, lives out her faith with a believing husband, while Laura’s going through a time of teenage rebellion—but even that’s in God’s hands. As evidenced throughout the Bible, God is in the habit of saving families. That gives me great hope.
Trusting God while you wait
Even so, sometimes I get discouraged. Sometimes I sit in my brown armchair and question whether God even hears my prayers. Or I sit in church and count the couples and ache because few know what my husband even looks like. Or I’ll hear yet another testimony about someone else’s husband coming to faith, and wonder why mine still seems oblivious to his need. But then there are times when Barry exhibits greater faith than I do. In fact, that’s a joke we share. I’m the one who says I have faith, while he’s the one who seems to live it.
He’s always telling me, “Why do you worry about things? God always takes care of us.” Barry almost always knows the right thing to do when it comes to leading our family. I believe that because God sees us as one flesh, my husband shares in my blessings. Because God’s promised to lead me, he leads my husband as well. I don’t have to fret. God’s in control.
The truth is, I might not ever see Barry walk a church aisle, but that’s okay. I have hope that I’ll see him walk through heaven. In the meantime, I live my life as a gift—one I never would have chosen, but one I’ve come to accept with gratitude. I know it comes from the hand of a loving God who only gives his children the best.
Related reading:
The Spirit-Filled Life: The first step to living a full Christian life is to let God’s Spirit work in you.
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Jamie,
To answer your question, I respectfully agree to disagree. :)
Have a great day.
I really appreciate your insight in this Denese. Thanks for taking the time to talk with me.
Jamie,
To answer your question, my answer is that I respectfully agree to disagree. :)
Have a great day!
Denese I am no expert on Judaism at all but it seems to me that the Hebrew scriptures teach that all of humanity has inherited the sin nature of Adam. Adam was created in the image of God but when he sinned that image was tainted. Adam’s offspring were then created in the image of their father, Adam, who was no longer an undefiled reflection of the image of God. While the authors never use the words ‘original sin’ the concept is there and the reality is shown that no one is without sin.
The Talmudic Rabbis pick up on that and continue to speak about our inherited impure nature. In Abhodah Zarah, 22b we read, “Why are the Goim unclean? Because they were not present at Mount Sinai. For when the serpent entered into Eve he infused her with uncleanness. But the Jews were cleansed from this when they stood on Mount Sinai; the Goim, however, who were not on Mount Sinaim were not cleansed.”
Now I suppose there may be some sects of Judaism that do not accept the reality of original sin but the ideas of it seem to be imbedded in the sacred writings of the Jewish faith.
But even without the doctrine of original sin there is still a need for a savior because everyone has sinned. That is also a clear teaching from Hebrew Scriptures and writings. That is why Israel has always looked in anticipation to the coming of Messiah because as Isaiah wrote, “But he was wounded and crushed for our sins. He was beaten that we might have peace. He was whipped, and we were healed! All of us have strayed away like sheep. We have left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet the LORD laid on him the guilt and sins of us all.” (Isaiah 53:5-6) Because we have all strayed and left God’s path to follow our own we need a Savior upon whom God will lay all of our sins. That was symbolized in the celebration of Yom Kippur when the leaders of each tribe would lay their hands on the scapegoat, thus symbolically laying the sins of the people on sacrifice that would remove their sin and make atonement for them. The goat was a symbol of Messiah and it was their faith in what Messiah would do some day in their future to finally atone for their sins completely.
Again, I am sure that there may be sects of Judaism that no longer accept the teaching of the Day of Atonement and what it all symbolized but it seems to me to be a clear teaching in the Hebrew scriptures.
How do you understand the anticipation of Messiah? Do you see the rituals of the Mosaic Law as symbolizing Messiah?
Kelly,
Thanks for your input. I understand that now. And I didn’t roll my eyes. I appreciate your comments. I found this article, read the posts, and was hoping to explain the flip side, because I think we are misunderstood as well. I was answering Jamie’s quesitons, she seemed to have a lot for me and it got off topic, which then turns into debating and defending. I’ve done enough of that and was only trying to share relevant experiences on the other end. Take care.
Nice post kelly. God bless you. I will add also that if they persecuted Christ for sharing the gospel, they will also persecute his saints; for sharing the gospel. Nothing wrong with sharing the gospe as we well know, but we must do it Christ way. A HEALTHY DEBATE is acceptable, so long as the other person is not objecting to you preaching at them, weather it is harsh or very polite. When Christ was not believed or did not really want to be heard, he moved on and not much miracles were done due to their unbelief. Had Jesus stayed, regardless, it would deem to be force and that the is key. God gave Adam and Eve a choice, God gave all man kind after that a choice. Our choice must never be forced upon us, weather its by other Christians, non Christians, or God. It is not God signature. Unless a person says before hand, if we preach the right way, it is not a sin, may be to a person who do not believe. But we are called to preach the gospel, once they don’t want to know, and they say so, then we must move on.If we don’t, then it becomes a sin, cuz its forced.
Many don’t believe now but they do after so we pray to God and leave it in their hands. Another thing I realised, many that do not beleive, are hearing religion. Christ has nothing to do with religion, he never died for religion, but for the 100% pure gospel of grace, and that is hardly preached, many don’t hear it or fully understand it. Grace, is nothing like religion. It was always the religious ones that were trying to kill Jesus; but the whore mongers, nasty tax collectors, prostitues, murderers that loved being around Christ, cuz he was full of grace and truth.
God bless
Ps. We need to remember that he is a “big” God and doesn’t need us to defend him! ……WE get caught up defending christ instead of SHARING Christ and his love!
Denese or to whom it may concern,
I just came across this whole conversation and felt moved to participate. I respect that you are a jewish woman and have a right to your beliefs. I am a christian, and I assume you probably just rolled your eyes as you read that declaration.( Lol just being real here). I assume you are expecting a sermon. Won’t happen. =) Do not get me wrong, I love my faith and i can and will defend my faith if I feel lead to do so. It is not my job as christian to win a popularity contest or to be politically correct with “feel good” anecdotes to make people happy and stress free! . I have my beliefs and I stand by what the word of God says! Period! I am humbled by the fact that Jesus would come and die for my sins that I might have life! Having said this, I would like to point out that we as christians need to remember that 1 Corinthians 13:1 tells us that, ” if I speak in the tongues of men or angels, but have not LOVE, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal.”I think in cases where people have been constantly preached at and made to feel as if there is something wrong with them, that our words, no matter how well meaning they may be, are just “noise” to their ears! I think we show Christs love in our ACTIONS rather than our words, and when and if God opens up an opportunity to speak about our faith and share the gospel, that that is when people will receive what you have to say with an open heart. I Then we (christians) need to realize that it is still that persons choice to decide what they believe and we must respect that and just love them reguardless! Denese, please understand that as Christians we sometimes get caught up in our responsiblity to share the gospel (this is a major part of our belief system, so I am sure you respect that =)) , and we get carried away in sharing, which comes off as pushy and judgmental, so I appologize if that is what you have come across throughout your spiritual incounters with christians. I think also that like the lady earlier who just “had to say it” probably felt not only accountable to share the gospel but also probably felt as though she would be somehow not acknowledging Jesus or maybe even denying him if she didn’t share. Hope that makes sense. I will pray that you feel God’s presence and love! I hope you will pray for me as well! Thanks! Have a great day!
Jaime,
Remember, Jesus’ thought was of Jewish thought. That thought of Judaism still stands today. Jesus didn’t have the scriptures you read today. You incorrect when you say every other religion has to measure up. The difference is God spoke to an entire nation of 3 million people. It was a national revelation. Jewish concept is not to measure up. The concept is tomorrow is another day. We, as a people, can persevere. We can make the world better. See the word “we”. It’s not about me, it’s about all of us. If you are knocked down, pick yourself back up and go try again. No one is perfect. Where it becomes different is that Christianity took a polar opposite position. Everything about Christianity negates Judaism. Where Jews don’t believe we are born tainted with sin and no good, we believe we are born pure and innocent with tendencies to do bad. That makes most sense to me!
When I say I have studied, I don’t just mean apologetics and comparisons. Constantine was the one to implement doctrine of original sin.
Christianity says you are tainted in sin from birth, and then offers a solution, that someone else took away all your sins. Without original sin, no need for savior.
That concept doesn’t and never existed in the Hebrew Bible. Christianity makes claims about a lot of things. I could argue each point. I am not here for a theological debate. I’m not here to disrespect anyone’s faith. I’m just here to give you my side of the story.
In Judaism everyone is responsible for themselves, their actions, and find God within you to get the strength to go on and deal with living. To bring peace in the world. Live in harmony. Not to measure up to an external being. And it’s not about individual salvation. It’s about we, as a world.
It makes sense to me that we are each responsible for ourselves. No one can do that for you. That’s what makes me persevere, That makes sense to me that God is within each and every one of us.
That is interesting Denese because as I have studied the claims of Jesus and compared that to every other major religion in the world today there are some stark differences that have convinced me of His authenticity. At the risk of getting preachy let me just share my understanding with you. I would like to hear what you think about this.
Jesus points out that no one is able to live up to the perfect standard of moral thought, attitude and behaviour of God. He said that even our thought life is subject to that perfect standard. He described how pressures from life circumstances, a desire for wealth, and a deep-seeded pride can destroy our desire to do what is right. I go through all He said about the imperfections of humanity and it all connects with what I see in me and in the people around me.
He also tells us that our efforts to cleanse ourselves of these imperfections is doomed. His harshest critique was of those who were seen as the ‘righteous’ ones of the day; yet He called them “white-washed tombs” having the outward appearance of perfection but being full of death inside. As I look at that I can’t help but recognize myself. I can put on a clean appearance for everybody around me but I know deep inside I am still full of pride and selfishness and all kinds of darkness.
It makes sense then that Jesus would point out that the only hope for humanity is for God to act on our behalf. It is not about following certain rituals or trying to do more good things to outweigh our bad or reaching some kind of enlightenment remove ourselves from the evil inside of us. We need God to come and deal with our imperfections Himself. And that is who Jesus is: God come to Earth to pay the penalty for our sin and to give to us God’s perfection. He offers that to everyone and anyone who believes that He died for them and that He was raised back to life to help us now live out the righteousness that He has given us will be adopted as a child of God.
Christianity is different then every other religion because it reveals how God makes people right while every other religion teaches people to do something to measure up to God’s standard. To me, that makes sense! And beyond it making sense, I have experienced Jesus making that difference in my life. I know He is with me and leads me in all situations so that I can reflect His character, His perfection in every sphere of life. I have to admit that I do not follow His leading and that is where I mess up and let my own selfishness and pride get out of hand. But Jesus’ perfection is incorruptible and completely paid the penalty of all my sin including the sin I have yet to commit. If Jesus was not God His perfection would have limits but because He is eternal His perfection has no limits. That is some Good News for me!
Doesn’t that connect with what you see in the world?
Jamie,
I spent years learning, reading, talking with pastors, priests, rabbis, taking classes. I learned all about religions, etc., not just what they teach you in organized religion. Once I began questioning and the more I learned I could no longer accept anything at face value. That has shaped my view of God.
I am sorry Denese, I guess I got caught up in trying to explain why I feel the way I do. It’s not that I am trying to control people but it comes out of my understanding of how God has revealed Himself.
So would you say that your opinion is that the differences between the way people connect with God is the result of their own needs and imagination or because of the way God has led them to connect with Him?
Jaime,
You are missing my point, sorry for not clarifying. I don’t believe the bible to be the literal word of God. Therefore, it opens my mind to a vast number of possibilities.
Denese, I don’t think my turmoil is the result of not being able to control others souls. My turmoil is that they miss who Jesus Christ is and separate themselves from Him in this life and for all of eternity. I agree with you that there is great mystery in the character of God and the joy of relationship with Him is that the closer we draw to Him the more we discover of the vast beauty of who He is. Heaven will be a never-ending journey of discovery of the great love, power and wisdom of God. Jesus said, “This is eternal life; that they [meaning us humans] would know You, the one true God.” (John 17:3) God is eternal, infinite, without limits so it makes sense that our limited, finite minds can never understand the full breadth of His nature.
But in the midst of that mystery, there are things that God has made clear because it is His nature, his character, to reveal Himself. We see that character trait in the way He has communicated with humanity since Creation. The Hebrew Scriptures are full of situations where God revealed Himself, His plans and His love for humanity. Adam and Eve had the joy of walking with God in the Garden of Eden; Noah heard from God about His plan to deal with the rebelliousness of humanity and rebuild the human race from Noah and his family; God spoke clearly to Abraham about many things and gave him specific promises of how He would accomplish His final plan of dealing with human rebellion through a descendant of Abraham. I could go on and on of how God spoke to humanity and revealed His plans and purposes for them and worked with them to accomplish those plans and purposes. All of this self-revelation from God came to a culmination in Jesus, when in Him God entered into our existence as one of us. Jesus said, “If you have seen me, then you have seen God the Father.” Jesus is Emmanuel–God with us–so that we could know God in a personal way.
All of that shows the nature of God to reveal Himself to humanity. Throughout all of the self-revelation God has also revealed how we can be in relationship with Him. Adam and Eve were given boundaries of how they could relate to God; Noah was given instructions of how he and his family should relate and depend on God; Abraham had instruction on how to have a relationship with Him. All through humanity’s history God has helped us to understand how we can know Him and what things break our relationship with Him. That’s why it is no surprise that when Jesus came He said that there is a way to know God and there are things that will break our relationship with Him. Jesus said, “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
So while I agree with you that there are things about God that are mysterious, He has never been mysterious about how we have relationship with Him. God was not ambiguous in the Hebrew Scriptures and so it would seem contradictory that He would be ambiguous now and say that every person has a different way to connect with Him.
Do you see ambiguity in the way God instructed Abraham, Moses, and David of how they could have relationship with Him? Why would that change now?
Jamie,
I love how you related how you relate to God. Did that make sense? I understand that’s what works in your life, we all need something that works. We all need to feel comfort and secure. But not everyone sees the world the same. Not everyone experiences God the same. My life experiences have shaped how I believe in God. After my severely disabled son was born it was my perception of God that got me through and still gets me through. It’s like a pair of shoes. The same pair doesn’t always fit different people. I do feel for you, though, as I feel for my husband, that you have to feel that way about those you love who perceive different. As you said, you feel turmoil. I sense that is the same for my husband. But that’s his turmoil and it’s your turmoil. My world is not chaotic with my perception of God. It’s how I make sense of it. Nothing you can do or say will make me change it and vice versa. My life experiences up to this point has shaped my view of God.
My kids no longer have a close relationship as they did when they were younger with their Baptist cousins and grandmother. She’s very passive-aggressive also. Once they realized we weren’t joining their way they copped big attitudes. To me it’s very hypocritical and it’s their loss. My kids are close with my side.
But what is it exactly that is causing you turmoil?
My son is deaf-blind. Because of that he needs order. He is very anxiety/OCD. He tries to control all of us in a certain because that’s the way he needs things, he needs predictability. When he can’t have that predictability he throws tantrums. I feel the turmoil you describe, for my husband, may be similar in nature. His beliefs are inflexible and rigid. He needs it to be his way to have order in his life, this belief that he thinks he has the answer to life’s most sought after question, and he can’t control everyone and has to live with that chaos, worry, whatever you want to call it of everyone’s souls. The way I see it, no one has THE answer. To me, I am in awe over the mystery of God. I thrive on the mystery. See the difference?
I guess the ‘plus’ of having families of different faith traditions is that you don’t have to decide which family you spend holidays with. And you have a lot more holidays to celebrate :)
I am sorry to hear that you have had such a difficult time with your husband’s family. I am sure he has had a hard time trying to respond to their criticism. How has that impacted his relationship with them? What about your kids? Do they have a good relationship with their paternal grandparents and family?
I know in my family there are those who are not followers of Jesus and it creates a real turmoil in me. You see, I love these people and I want the very best for them. It is my understanding that Jesus is the only way for a person to experience fullness of life and real meaning for one’s existence. My life is so enriched by my friendship with Jesus and having Him as a part of everything that I do and I want that for everyone else as well. Not to mention the future hope of living forever with Jesus in heaven. I really don’t want any of my family to miss out on that.
So I try and share with them how Jesus makes a difference in my life and that can sometimes come across as arrogant and preachy. I try not to but ultimately I believe that there is only one way to have the relationship with God that He created us for, and my love for my family and friends won’t let me ignore that and keep my mouth closed.
What I have tried to do is talk more about my own experience with Jesus and less about what they have to do to have a relationship with Him. I also try to ask questions to better understand where they are at and perhaps getting them to think about things they haven’t considered before but then just leave out the pointing fingers that say, “Shame on you” or “If you only…” I don’t know if that is the best way or if I carry it off very well but I trust that Jesus is helping me to follow His way which I know is always the best way.
Jamie,
During our entire marriage we always celebrated the holidays with our respective families together and still do. It was never an issue. We went to a synogue for special occassions of relatives, but we never went as a family. I never went much growing up and still don’t have a lot of interest. It’s expensive to join a temple! It doesn’t mean I don’t know who I am. I try to go on Roshanna because that’s my favorite holiday. My parents were/are very accepting of my husband and my decision, however, they knew someday there would be a problem. They saw it, I didn’t, I was young and oblivious and quite ignorant of his family. Our extended families never meshed. My mother-in-law caused problems at our wedding with my side of jewish family and friends. I told my parents to let it go. Now I know it was a mistake. I should have dealt with it then. My family is very accepting. We have a very interesting mix. My one sister married a Catholic, a great guy. My other sister who married a Jew is divorced. My oldest niece is married to a spanish-speaking guy and I have no idea what he is but somehow we all get along just fine. It’s my husband’s side who isn’t very flexible. I never changed before or after his revival. I’m the same as I’ve always been.
That’s good Denese. I really did not want to come across as being pushy. I can just imagine that different beliefs about God become very emotional especially when it relates to those whom you love. It is a remarkable evidence of both of your commitment to your marriage to find a way to make that work for you. I am sure that it put a lot of pressure on you when it was your husband who changed his beliefs–or revived his beliefs–after you had already made the commitment of marriage. How did you deal with your Jewish beliefs prior to his change? Did you guys attend synagogue, do Passover, and all of that stuff together or did you just participate in that? What has been your parents’ response to marrying a non-Jew?
Amen Kendal, thanks for reminding me of that scripture
Corintians 7:4 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife
no, you haven’t offended me one bit! I hope I haven’t offended anyone as well. I mean well. How do we handle watered-down beliefs? It’s more like, you can believe anything you want. He can believe I’m going to hell. I don’t reciprocate his belief. I can believe whatever I choose as well. He may not agree with me. Everyone has the right to belief, and that has to be respected. It doesn’t mean you have to agree. Where it became hard is with our kids. To handle that we agreed to attend a Christian church that was inclusive. They don’t do the saved/unsaved end of the world preaching. I won’t step a foot inside a church like that. I went three times when I had no idea and couldn’t believe my ears. The one we compromised on is centered around Jesus but they don’t preach anyone who doesn’t believe this goes to hell. This way we can attend as a family unit.
Thanks Denese, I appreciate the suggestion for finding answers. I am not trying to be argumentative or anything. I just really enjoy discovering what people believe about God themselves. I learn far more from conversation than I can from reading articles. I see God as highly relational and reveals Himself in relationship. Since we are created in His image it makes sense that we too are relational and understand God better through relationship than from informative textbooks.
I am really quite intrigued by the way you have described your marriage and how you and your husband deal with the differences in faith. I would really like to know how that works without compromising or watering down your own beliefs. I hope I haven’t offended you at all.
Jamie,
If you are interested in finding out more, there are some great websites if you google “What Jews Believe”. It should answer all those questions. It will explain all the technicalities, like why a Jew can’t worship Jesus also, because it’s considered idoltry. I mean, you can go crazy with this stuff. Bottom line is we are all human and we don’t have all the answers. You have to stay true to who you are and do the best you can. We are all people and that’s the premise. We are all just people living together on the same planet doing the best we can. Love and acceptance for all is what I say, of course, unless they are harmful to others.
Thanks Denese, that helps me understand the Jewish faith more clearly. That idea that each of us is responsible for our own sins is not always an easy pill to swallow. I often find myself trying to excuse my actions because of what other people have done or the circumstances I am in. I guess that is why the first step in 12 step programs for addiction is admitting that I have a problem. I can’t run away from that.
You said that everybody finds their own connection with God; what happens when that way goes against the 10 Commandments given by God at Mt Sinai? One example would be the animistic religions that use idols to capture the images of the Gods they venerate. Or a more extreme example would be the cannibalistic tribes that worship their Gods by killing and eating their enemies. Does God give rules for one group of people like the Jews and then different rules for other people groups?
Jamie,
The premise of the Jewish faith, Torah, is that everyone is responsible for their own sins and it’s your job to ask for forgiveness, simply by praying and asking for that forgiveness. That was the connection/relationship, whatever you want to call it, that God gave to the Jewish people at Mt Sinai. More orthodox Jews are more extreme, they keep some of the laws etc, but most I know are not. I am not. I fall somewhere between conservative and reform. As a Jew, we feel a special connection to how God first communicated to us. Those who are not of Jewish ancestry we feel find God through their own connection, whether it be Jesus, etc. I know it’s not what they teach in the Christian church and I have also learned a lot of misconstrued information is being taught about the Jewish people in more conservative churches. It’s more along the lines of God’s grace. It’s free. It’s not based on a certain belief that somebody did something. It’s just there for everyone. It doesn’t matter how you find it, that’s sort of what you said about morals being evident in all religions.
That makes sense Denese that the focus of your beliefs is on this life and not the next. I have heard the critique, “Too heavenly minded to be of any earthly good.” It does very little good to be so consumed by thoughts of the after-life that you never truly live the abundant life God has promised to us here.
You said that the Torah applies to all of humanity no matter what religion. What do you mean by that? Is it that the Torah is an expression of common sense morality evident in all religious morals or is it that all people are responsible for living out the Torah no matter what religion they are a part of? Is someone who is not Jewish nor who follows the Jewish faith able to follow the Torah or live under its authority?
My belief, morals, and values are that we focus on the life we are living now here on earth. My beliefs don’t center around death, they center around life. No one is perfect, we do the best we can. If our life here on earth is of doing kindness to others, helping our neighbor, etc. and making a so called heaven on earth in this life, than when we die our soul goes back to God. Each person has the choice to do good and bad. It’s the hope that your life consists of more good than bad. The more good you do for the world, the closer you become to God. The better you treat others, the closer you get to God, etc. All life is to be cherished. The concept is every day is a new day and with each day we try to make things a little better for someone, and we get up and face the world to try a little harder. Peace on Earth. That is the concept of Judiasm. We believe anyone can attain salvation in the afterlife, jew or non-jew. Jews beleive the Torah applies to all of humanity, it doesn’t matter what religion you are. My beliefs are universal and inclusive for all mankind.
Hi Jamie and Denese,
In the case of my husband, I my case, I leave my husband’s eternity up to God. Only God is the judge.
Thank you, Denise! I really appreciate hearing a real, honest view. I definitely think a marriage can be successful, despite differences in beliefs. I love my husband and he is one of the best people I know. He is, however, an atheist. I am a Christian, but I’ve gotten passed the stage of thinking he’s “sick”. He’s had totally different life experiences than me, and frankly, my life has been a bowl of cherries compared to his. It makes perfect sense to me now that we are on different pages. We are different people. I hate the general Christian view of atheists. It is possible to be a genuine person who truly cares about others while still being an atheist. I know that we are together, not because we think the same or agree on every topic, but because we compliment each other’s differences. We love with our whole hearts and enjoy life together. I only worry about what will happens when we die. (The typical concern.) Anyway, those are my quick unedited thoughts!
What about your beliefs regarding an after-life Denese? What do you believe happens when a person dies? Is there a difference between a Jew and a non-Jew?
Jamie,
That is a very good question. In a marriage you have to compromise. He knew I was Jewish for the 20 years we were married before he decided to become more active in practicing his religion. He never explained his religion to me, almost like he was trying to escape it. If he was like that before we got married I wouldn’t have married him. I was ignorant of his religion. Little things would crop up like him telling me, “My mother thinks you’ll be left behind.” That went over my head. Or you have to be saved. My question was, saved from what? Once he went back to the Baptist church all he came home with was me and the kids were going to hell. That’s it. No, Jesus’ love or love thy neighbor. Where was the Christian love? So I learned everything I could about his religion and then proceeded to do a lot of reading and studying of all major world religions. I tried to learn why my husband was being like he was. Once I got a firm understanding, I just kept reading and learning. I took a comparative religion class, many bible classes of all sorts, comparison of Jewish theology vs. Christian, differences in how scriptures are interpreted and even among denominations. My husband has not done this. I believe he does not because he will be afraid of what he finds out. I think it would make his world chaotic. He needs the safety and security his faith gives him, and I respect that.
All that aside it came down to the fact that he had to compromise for the family. He couldn’t teach my kids I was going to hell no matter how much he believes it or fears it. That’s his issue. All I asked for was a compromise. If he wanted to stay married to me he had to meet me in the middle. That meant he had to come away from Baptist beliefs he was bringing home and embrace the loving side of the religion. He could teach about Jesus all he wants, but the exclusivity part of it I couldn’t live with. It was either that or separate. He chose to compromise and stay married to me. We do love each other very much. We get along in every other aspect. We have a severely disabled son and we are in agreement with everything. But not religion. His fear of my eternal destiny is his issue. He cannot change everyone around him to accommodate his fears when no one else believes that. We go to a lot of interfaith Christian-Jewish events where they bridge to two religions and it’s beautiful. And no one is being told they are going to hell. We have been in marriage counseling for 3 years, but he does go to his own therapist and I’m sure he talks about how to deal with his fears of that. But like I said, changing for someone because they are afraid for your soul when you wholeheartedly could never believe or live with that worldview is not fair. I don’t try to change him to be more like me, so he has learned he has to do the same. He can pray for my soul until he dies, it’s not going to change upbringing and how I see the world and God, just as I will never change his upbringing. I hope that answered your question.
Hi Denese, I really appreciate your willingness to share how you and your husband are able to have a healthy, happy marriage even though you have different faith journeys. As I have read through a lot of the comments here some of the folks here deal with a fear of their spouse’s eternal destiny. How do you and your husband deal with the core beliefs of your respective religious doctrine that describes how one is accepted by God? There seem to be some pretty significant differences between Jewish and Christian Eschatology.
Thank you Denese for sharing your perspective. I like the way your husband loves you so much that he chose a church to attend that allows you to feel comfortable in attending. Blessings to you and your family on your faith journey
Denese you got me so wrong. I agreed that no one should force a person. Christ never ever did. I expressed my opinion but I never force and if ur spouse’s views are different. There is no harm in asking them politely to come to an event and if they say no way, never ask me again then that should be respected. Ur statement of and I quote, “But I tried having a dialog about it and see this will not be possible here unless I believe like you, which is what this article was about, right? That’s too bad,” made me concerned. Please don’t leave this forum thinking you have to think like someone like me. Of course not. So if you ever want to express ur self again, ur perspectives can be a diverse as water and oil, no one should stop you or discriminate. Of course those who run the blog can do whatever they seem fit but they are very reasonable so my dear, you are free to express ur views but sometimes, people will question or challenge, it is not a bad thing if it is done decently.
I enjoyed the dialogue thou and have a great day
I didn’t come here to be evangelized. There’s no reasoning with true born-again believers, I’ve experienced enough not to engage with you about what is the right belief. A friend encouraged me to come on and share my story, which I hope will help those who are married to non-Christians or those spouses who became non-Christians. I wanted to share my side of the story and to show it’s possible to have a successful marriage in spite of what one deeply believes.
I have a full understanding of world religions so I am well-versed on the Christian religion. I do understand why Christ died and the whole theology of the many denominations of Christianity, and there are so many and many have such a variety of what they believe. And I’m sure you know that Jews don’t believe in Original Sin which is why the concept of Christianity is polar opposite of Judaism and why it doesn’t make sense to anyone brought up with that worldview. And you should be respectful if your spouse’s worldview is different. Not try to evangelize them as you are doing. That was why I wrote here and that is how to save a marriage where two people are married but believe differently.
But This discussion is not about what I believe. That is irrelevant. I will never convince you to become Jewish and you will never convince me to become a Christian. Plain and simple. What I wrote was simply to share why someone of a different faith or atheist may never be convinced of your beliefs. I know how hard that is to even fathom. My purpose was to show it’s possible to coexist together with a mutual respect for one another. This is the problem we are having in the world today. If you are so sure you have the right religion and that works for you, wonderful. But I tried having a dialog about it and see this will not be possible here unless I believe like you, which is what this article was about, right? That’s too bad.
Denese my dear,I understand what you are saying and I don’t mean to be offensive to you I really don’t but if we who are true Believers, was to agree that any way or route to God is acceptable, we would be like traitors to God.The only person who died for us is Christ, have you ever thought why?
Don’t get me wrong, God loves you sooooooooooooooo much, let no one tell you any different, however, he loves you too much for leave you like this. He yearns for an intimate relationship with you. To crown you with glory and honour, to shower you with riches beyond your wildest dreams. to hold you in his bosom. Why? cuz true love, loves to communicate. I hope you beleive this.
Have a wonderful day.
God bless you and ur husband
Fifi,
Thanks for your concern for my salvation. Well this is the exact example I am talking about! Thanks for your response because it models exactly what I was trying to say. It’s that exact thing that you just “had to say” that will make people on the other side, of different faiths and beliefs or disbelief, run from you. There ‘s no having a relationship with someone who doesn’t think like you, someone who has exclusive beliefs like you do, and you just “had to say it.” You can only have a relationship with someone who thinks exactly like you. So if your marriage is in trouble with an “unbeliever”, this would be why. So long.
Denese,I will be real with you cuz you need to hear the truth the whole truth and nothing but. Jews hold a very special place in the heart of God. He used the nation of Israel to demonstrate his love. Ur husband, if he is born again, he is a spiritual Jew and u are the natural Jew.And yes you are right up to a point my dear, that God does love the world. “God so love the world that he gave his only begotton son that whomsoever beleives in him will not perish but have everlasting life and life more abundandly on earth.” And you are covered under the blood of Jesus because of ur husband beleifs for “God will save u and ur house,” said the Lord. I too do not belive that anyone has the right to force another person in to their belief. Christ never force, cuz his a gentleman.
However, Christ Jesus is the only way to salvation, there is no other way, I know you don’t accept that, but I just had to say it.
God bless
Cathy, you are doing everything right supporting your husband in his religion and culture. You sound like you have a wonderful husband and sounds like he really loves you to be able to participate in your religious activities, and vice versa. You are very lucky. I know how hard it is wishing if your husband would just want to be a Christian, just as he is probably wishing you would be a Hindu! Trust me, after three years of marriage counseling, my husband has learned this. All you can do is have a respectful trusting relationship. You have to agree to disagree. You have to compromise or you will ruin your marriage. That’s the last thing our creator of the universe wants. It doesn’t mean you can’t have a close relationship. It will enrich both of your lives seeing how each other celebrates God. It makes the world a better place. We are all God’s people. A mutual respect is necessary in any marriage, and if there is no respect, there is no marriage. That goes for any issues in a marriage, not just religious beliefs. There has to be a compromise. When your spouse tells you they believe in God but not in the same way you do, that has to be respected for a marriage to be successful. When you tell your spouse you believe in God this way, he will in turn respect you back. There will always be things in a marriage you don’t agree with, but it doesn’t mean you can’t be a close happy couple. My husband has compromised by going to a Presbyterian church instead of a Baptist. The Baptist hold exclusive beliefs, the Presbyterian church we attend don’t, I am accepted there as a Jew. I go and support him, That’s our compromise. Good luck to you!
Denese, Thanks for writing this. Jesus was a Jew and you are are cousin as far as religion goes. Welcome here and thanks for sharing your story. I am Catholic Christian and my husband is Hindu. He is so respectful of my faith and attends church, Bible study, church retreats and functions. I participate in funtions for his culture, sometimes even religious ones. I can see the beauty of his faith and the way its people honor God. I still would like my husband to be Christian. But it is not up to me, it is up to God. HE is a loving and all knowing God who created Dilip and knew him from the womb. He put him in an Indian family with the Hindu religion. I must trust that God knows what he is doing and has a plan. I even hesitate putting to put that I am a Catholic Christian, as many Christians believe Catholics are not Christian either because we have different doctrine then they.
I am on the opposite side and maybe I can help.
I am a Jewish woman married to a Baptist. We’ve been married 23 years. The first 18 were spent sharing our holidays, nothing majorly religious. We were an interfaith family. Then my husband went back to the Baptist church and frantically tried to “save” us all from hell. I’m sure you are all routing for my husband right now. Well, it didn’t work out well for my husband. He was trying to teach my kids that I was going to hell for being jewish. Shame on him is what I had to say. What he failed to understand is that I am deeply routed into my own spirituality and beliefs. I cherish my religion and culture. I want to share that with my kids. I also will never have exclusive beliefs. I believe God loves all people unconditionally, which was Jesus’ original message, regardless of “believing”. You will never convince someone your belief is right just because that’s what you were “lucky” enough to be raised in, what a coincidence you have the right belief. You will never convince someone to abandon their core selves because it’s what you believe. What you believe is your problem. It’s what you know. That’s not true for the Hindu, Jew, Buddist etc. Just as you feel you know God in your way, so do people of other faiths or even people with no faith. So my advice being on the other side to you is to learn more about others beliefs or disbeliefs, especially your spouse. Understand that reality is what is all around you, not what’s in the bible. At some point in your lives you were programmed to believe the bible is 100% true. That’s great for yourself and gives you security. That’s not true for someone else. And when you “pray” for someone to change their beliefs to your beliefs because you have “the right ones” that’s very annoying and condescending to someone who has a much different worldview. They will not want to be your friend, it is not attractive, and they will want to run in the other direction. Coexist together and let people be. God made each of us very special. If God made each of us very special, why are you, a human being, trying to change the way God made your spouse? Not everyone can buy into the Christian God, or the Muslim God, or the Buddist or Hindu God. Not everyone sees God as a Father figure. Some see it as a spiritual energy or a thing rather than a Him. That’s what you all fail to understand. Just as you couldn’t possibly understand how people couldn’t believe in Christianity to go to eternal bliss, it is the same for someone who can’t understand how you could possibly believe in all the dogma of Christianity. So love your spouse, stop trying to change them or push what you think is right, and have a happy marriage, as my husband has come to understand. Bottom line, it’s dangerous territory trying to change someone because it means you can’t accept them the way they are.