My Husband Doesn’t Share My Faith
I’ve rehearsed this scene in my mind 10,000 times: My husband, Barry, walks through the front door and says he has a surprise for me. He asks, “What’s the one thing you want most in the world?” At first I’m confused, but when I look into his eyes, I know. He doesn’t have to say it, but he does anyway: “I’ve given my life to Christ.”
But after years of praying, waiting, and hoping, so far that’s still a daydream.
Barry and I met and married 28 years ago. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing: He liked my then-red hair and green eyes; I liked his broad shoulders and sense of humor. Plus, he was easy to talk to. As unbelievers, neither of us had a clue what our future would be. We just thought a life together would be a kick. A relationship with Christ was the last
thing on our minds!
Our first three years of marriage were filled with partying, softball, and the birth of our first daughter. Then, almost without warning, God drew me into a relationship with himself. After overhearing some Christians in the office where I worked talk about heaven, I began asking questions. Although I’d attended church as a child, I knew nothing about the Bible and salvation. Then one day after a long talk with Rita, one of my coworkers, I prayed a simple prayer: “Jesus save me!” That prayer forever changed my life—and my marriage as I knew it.
I wrote the handbook on how not to win your spouse to Christ
Unfortunately for Barry, right from the start I was one of those obnoxious “Jesus freaks.” I didn’t share my new faith with my husband; I pushed, forced, and shoved. Believe me, I wrote the handbook on how not to win your spouse to Christ. I didn’t speak, I preached. I didn’t live out my faith quietly; I trumpeted my every minute change. I’d say, “See what God’s done in my life? See how loving and humble I now am?” I prayed loudly in Barry’s presence and made sure he knew he was a sinner destined for hell. I even packed gospel tracts in his lunch and added a Bible verse at the end of all my love notes to him.
To Barry’s credit, he remained incredibly patient. (Maybe he was just tuning me out.) Most of the time he avoided my religious rampages by tinkering with our car. Sometimes, though, he’d get angry and yell, “Stop with all the Jesus stuff!” Barry told me he threw the gospel tracts away because they embarrassed him in front of his friends. Once in a while he’d get a pained look on his face and say he wanted his “old wife” back—Jesus-free.
Soon we were at odds with each other. I blamed any and all our marital problems on his unsaved status. After all, if we were both Christians, life would be “happy-ever-after.” Or so I imagined. I tried even harder: blasting my Christian music and scattering opened Bibles around the house; crying and pleading with him to go to church with me. Sometimes, Barry would go. But instead of enjoying him next to me in church, I’d sit there chewing nervously on the end of my pen, praying madly that this would be The Day. Afterwards, I’d quiz him in the car, “What did you think of the sermon? Did you like the music?”
“It was okay,” he’d say. “Do we have any turkey at home for a sandwich?”
The rest of the ride home, I’d sit and fight back either tears or angry words. Why couldn’t he see his need for Christ? I’d fume. Then Barry, sensing my disappointment, would pat my shoulder and say, “Look, I believe in God, but not in the same way you do.” That was not the answer I wanted to hear.
Intercessory prayer — the right way
Then something unexpected happened. I’d been reading a book about intercessory prayer when I had a sudden flash of insight. I told myself, That’s it! I’m going to pray for Barry for the next 80 years, if that’s what it takes. And I’m going to love him. Period.
That was 25 years ago—and I’m still praying and loving. But I’m no longer pining away in self-absorbed isolation waiting desperately for my husband’s salvation to bring marital fulfillment. Instead, I’ve decided that if it takes 80 years, then I want those years to be as enjoyable as possible for the both of us, despite our spiritual differences.
When I first came to faith in Christ and Barry hadn’t, I thought God had made a huge mistake. After all, two following God together made more sense than one. But I now know God never makes mistakes. Since I’d been an unbeliever when we married, I hadn’t willfully disobeyed God by marrying Barry. My situation is by God’s sovereign design. Reminding myself of that enables me to relax my spiritual chokehold on Barry.
The way I see it, God has a plan for each life. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot transform someone else’s heart. I can’t coerce, sweet-talk, or plead my husband into being a Christian. In fact, when I do try, it only drives him away—sometimes literally. If I start nagging him, he’ll get in his truck and drive for hours.
I decided long ago to accept that it’s God’s job to change hearts. That decision frees me to pursue my relationship with God without the added burden of having to bring my husband to faith. All I have to do is love and enjoy him. That’s God’s plan for me, and he gives me all the grace I need to accomplish it.
That doesn’t mean I’m not lonely at times or that I do everything right. The other day I grabbed Barry by the shirt and yelled, “Don’t you see Christ in me?” Struck by the irony of the question, he laughed—and to my surprise, said yes. It helps to remember that Barry’s not my enemy; he’s my husband. I’m just as much a sinner as he is—maybe more so because I have the power to say no to sin and often don’t.
When your loved one doesn’t love God
Here are a few things I’ve learned over these 20-plus years
- Live in the now. I don’t pine for a “happy-ever-after someday.” Instead, I accept things as they are, building on what’s good (such as enjoying each other’s company and planning for our future together), and praying about what’s not so good. Sometimes that means going into a bar with Barry and having a good time drinking a soda—and letting him know I love him just as he is. It’s what Jesus would do.
- Live honestly. In living out my faith, I let my husband see me stumble and struggle. He knows I struggle with fear, that I can’t pass a basket in a store without buying it, and that I sin regularly and often, yet desire not to. That way, he sees that a Christian’s life is one of grace alone, rather than living by a set of rigid rules. Any changes in me aren’t by my effort, but by Christ living in me.
- Honor your marriage. I’m careful not to talk negatively about Barry to anyone, and when he’s home, he’s my priority. This often means passing up social events I dearly want to attend. I seek opportunities to enjoy my husband and build him up, convinced he’s God’s gift to me.
- Pray, pray, pray. Prayer is my link to God’s presence, power, wisdom, and comfort. My favorite Scripture to pray is Ezekiel 36:26, that God will take Barry’s heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh. Another favorite is Isaiah 30:21: “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’” Although it’s hard to pinpoint specific answers to prayer for Barry, I’ve seen his attitude toward spiritual things change drastically over the years. We often talk openly and freely about God.
- Find a support system. Surround yourself with other women who’ll pray with and for you. Also, study the Bible with a friend or small group. Attend church as often as you are able.
- Never give up hope. God offers everyone the same gift of salvation and eternal life. Some choose to accept it, and others don’t. But all who accept the gift do so in God’s timing, not ours. God knows what he’s doing.
I don’t understand why God does what he does. We have two daughters who don’t have the role model of a Christian husband and father. I used to worry about that. As it’s turned out, each daughter gave her life to Christ as a preschooler. Alison, now married, lives out her faith with a believing husband, while Laura’s going through a time of teenage rebellion—but even that’s in God’s hands. As evidenced throughout the Bible, God is in the habit of saving families. That gives me great hope.
Trusting God while you wait
Even so, sometimes I get discouraged. Sometimes I sit in my brown armchair and question whether God even hears my prayers. Or I sit in church and count the couples and ache because few know what my husband even looks like. Or I’ll hear yet another testimony about someone else’s husband coming to faith, and wonder why mine still seems oblivious to his need. But then there are times when Barry exhibits greater faith than I do. In fact, that’s a joke we share. I’m the one who says I have faith, while he’s the one who seems to live it.
He’s always telling me, “Why do you worry about things? God always takes care of us.” Barry almost always knows the right thing to do when it comes to leading our family. I believe that because God sees us as one flesh, my husband shares in my blessings. Because God’s promised to lead me, he leads my husband as well. I don’t have to fret. God’s in control.
The truth is, I might not ever see Barry walk a church aisle, but that’s okay. I have hope that I’ll see him walk through heaven. In the meantime, I live my life as a gift—one I never would have chosen, but one I’ve come to accept with gratitude. I know it comes from the hand of a loving God who only gives his children the best.
Related reading:
The Spirit-Filled Life: The first step to living a full Christian life is to let God’s Spirit work in you.
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my husband does share my faith but i have many friends who their spoused doesn’t for that i am praying and my heart goes out to all who do don’t have believing spouses
I was looking for some information on this topic and came across this article. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience! That’s my struggle too
i’m not a christian, but i enjoyed the article. you sound like a beautiful person, and you have such a beautiful marriage! i’m not sure i could be as selfless as you and your husband have both been with each other.
Kimi pt 2 lolo, (hope this does not turn out to be a novel)
This may be hard but continue to allow your fiancé to drive in the direction he wants for now, he is alright, cuz he is fleeing religion. That is a good thing cuz Christ never died for religion.
He needs to hear the full unadulterated gospel of grace. When he talks to you next time, just listen to what he has to say and make him know that he is entitled to feel how he wants and that he is entitled to his own views. Don’t scold him for his views even if they are wrong. Make him know thou that you have your own views. Drop a word of encouragement, (the word of God) and allow the Holy Spirit to move on that word in him. We sometimes take the job of the Holy Spirit, which unable him to work. I’ve done it lots of time but did not realise it cuz I was so zealous for a guy to get saved then I can marry him but I blew it lol. Actually it’s not funny but I could not understand why he can not see the beauty in Christ like I can. I was doing the work of the Holy Sprit, who can handle it. All God wants for us to do is be a witness, not a convicta.
There are a number of preachers that are preaching the gospel of pure grace, Andrew Wommack, and Joseph Prince. You can google them or watch them on Sky, on God channel. They would blow your mind, it is awesome. They show the full love of God, I feel so alive and learning much much much and I feel on top of the world. It’s amazing. If you can go on there website and listen to them or order their materials, I tell you, you would be so so much more happier cuz they got it and they are persecuted badly like Paul in the NT was for preaching radical grace. That is what we need to hear more and that is what the world need to hear, but instead, we are hearing religion, which stinks.
You Kimi, determine the direction you want to go once and for all and get some good radical grace teachings and let him know this is the direction you are heading in and be devoted, don’t tell him, he has to too, cuz it will transform you in many ways over time and he will see it, the joy, the peace, the love, the energy and that will attract him. Don’t let him feel like you are forcing him in anyway but if he says something negative about you – condemn those words by using Christ words, eg, he may say something about your walk with Christ that it is not perfect, you can reply, those are your words and you are entitled to them but I know who I am, I am the righteousness of God through Christ Jesus and has he is, so am I in this world. WHY MUST YOU SAY THIS? Cuz, words that are negative, if not challenged straight away, can affect our belief in Christ. Bad words are damaging. That is why Jesus challenged satan with , it is written it is written etc. You know, we put limitations on God – the religious world does and we follow and so your partner would have disapproved of that too and thinking like I thought once, there has got to be more and there is, better. God never said, we might know the truth and the truth shall set us free but we shall know the truth…….
Go to God with that and stand on that scripture and say Lord, I need to know more about what is happening, about you and pour out your heart to him and pray for your partner and leave it there, trusting that God will help you in that. Thank God every day for the answer and while you are praying, believe before you end the prayer that God has the answer as Andrew Wommack stated, Christ has anticipated everything, (problem you will faced before you were born). He has an answer for everything. Then get in his word to suit your circumstances and if you can listen to those two teachers, even better also and ask the Holy Ghost to lead you in this IN FAITH that he will. Then live your life and thank God for the answer every day and draw what you need from Jesus every day and even if you have to change church, be led by that and know that what ever happens, more arguments, that Christ is the beginning and the end. He is the beginning of your circumstances and he shall be the end. So whatever anyone says, Christ will have the finale say. We must trust in his love and that no weapon formed against us shall prosper. Satan can not win Kimi. Cuz your first importance is your relationship and what you know about Christ, make that first, seek his Kingdom and his Righteousness and all things will be added on to you. Christ wants you in peace and joy constantly and let that radiate through to your fiancé. Things may take time to manifest, but rejoice always, cuz you have the victory. Is all this easy, probably not but that is where we have to battle to enter his rest.
I wish you all the best and thanks for your post.
God bless you both
Kimi, thank you for your post, very touching. I will write this in two parts cuz I have a lot to say. I will be bold to say that I know the problem, he detest false gospel. True Gospel means good news and you have preachers compromising on that – a lot of preacher, and they are in to performance based self righteousness, which is like filthy rags to God.
Preachers rarely talk about the cross, what Christ has given up for us, what is ours, unless they want an offering, who we are, what we own, what we are entitled too, how special and loved we are and how much we are just like Christ and that God loves us unconditionally weather we do good or bad.
Instead, they preach, we must be perfect and do well and give to God always our love, time, energy and love our neighbours and do good and then God will favour us, then we will be righteous, then we will be holy, then God will love us more and he will bless us and hear us when we pray. This paragraph spills out the wrong gospel. When people, especially young people leave church, it is not because they are bad. They are leaving church or finding fault with a message at church and then blaming God and the preacher because they just heard religion. If we sin and are suffering, we are suffering cuz we sinned. Every other religion does this. Being Born Again is different. Because no 1. We are righteous by faith, Romans 1:17 (Jesus righteousness and not our own) and there are other scriptures to back this up. We are seated in heavenly places, Ephesians 2:6 – yet preachers make us feel like we are below and not above cuz we are not perfect in our conduct. And in many scriptures, it talks about how much God loves us: Psalms 91:14 – Romans 5:5 Romans 5:8 -Proverbs 3:12 – Ephesians 2:4 – Solomon 2:4 – Hosea 2:23 – Romans 8:25 and a whole lot more.
This is important because they way things are going, many people think God loves them conditionally thanks to wrong teachings and it overwhelms people but Jesus came to be used and to draw constantly from him. Then we will be able to give unto him back and to others but our vessels need to be filled with him daily first. Look at the woman at the well, she came out in the afternoon to draw water cuz she felt ashamed to draw water with the other women in the morning cuz of her sinful lifestyle. Jesus knew she needed him and he was tired and his disciples went to get food. When they saw him, he obviously looked more radiant cuz they said, who gave him something to eat and they were surprised he was left alone with a woman. This is cuz the woman drew from him and it refreshes him when we treat him like God, cuz that is what and that is what he is; so we need to depend on him for strength, then we are able to give back to others and to him cuz we are filled. Mary and Marther, Mary did what was needful, she drew from the Lord and he commended her for that. She ended up anointing Jesus and John who says his one whom Jesus loves; you can only find that in the book of John lol. He drew from the Lord and knew how much Christ loves him and was able to be there when Jesus needed him the most – at the cross and he was instructed to take care of Mary, (Jesus mother).
So when we draw from the Lord constantly, we are able to be at the right place at the right time in service. Jesus came to be used of us. Say that in a church today, they will call it blasphemy. Too much religion and religious people are the most hateful, spiteful, and uncaring of the Christian group. Cuz they are the enemies of the cross of Christ and they make the word of God of non effect. So I commend your fiancé, cuz it is the Holy Ghost that is making him know that there is something wrong if he is being taught religion. Jesus never died for religion; in fact they were the ones that were trying to kill him, not the prostitutes or the tax collectors. God wants us to have a relationship with him and to use him. His God, he can handle it but I was taught in the past, don’t bother God, leave him alone, you keep asking him to help you to bless you to help you overcome things. Don’t you think God is tired of it. You are like parasites to him. Yea Kimi, you have preachers that are cursing God’s people. Some do it out of ignorance but Christ said, without me, you can not do a thing. It is imperative to draw from him every day and our past present and future sins are all not covered, but destroyed, at the cross. God has already provided everything through grace. We are not taught to rest in the Lord, but rather, if we pay our tithes and offerings, if we obey God every word, if we are kind to neighbours etc etc etc, then we are worthy to rest in the Lord. But GOD SAID TO LABOUR TO ENTER HIS REST. We will have peace in our lives instead of stress. Your partner probably sees people getting worked up over other Christians that are not dressed the standard of the church, they may wear too much make up, they are not conservative enough, there are all these steps to take before you can get close to God but Jesus done it for us so that we can get close to God, as close as Jesus is too God. Religious people would hate this post of mines cuz it takes away their confidence in themselves as Paul showed the Galatians church in Galatians 5: 11. Your partner is rebelling against the false gospel praise God. Galatians 5:3 is a fundamental statement that Paul said, but it needed to be said.
Many religions observe the days, what to eat, what to wear, how to sit, especially for women, how to conduct themselves in their personalities but Christ gave us all our unique personalities and so if he has observed these things, he is not rebelling against God, he is rebelling against religion that would make the cross of Christ of non-effect in his life. He is smart Kimi.
PT 1