My Husband Doesn’t Share My Faith
I’ve rehearsed this scene in my mind 10,000 times: My husband, Barry, walks through the front door and says he has a surprise for me. He asks, “What’s the one thing you want most in the world?” At first I’m confused, but when I look into his eyes, I know. He doesn’t have to say it, but he does anyway: “I’ve given my life to Christ.”
But after years of praying, waiting, and hoping, so far that’s still a daydream.
Barry and I met and married 28 years ago. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing: He liked my then-red hair and green eyes; I liked his broad shoulders and sense of humor. Plus, he was easy to talk to. As unbelievers, neither of us had a clue what our future would be. We just thought a life together would be a kick. A relationship with Christ was the last thing on our minds!
Our first three years of marriage were filled with partying, softball, and the birth of our first daughter. Then, almost without warning, God drew me into a relationship with himself. After overhearing some Christians in the office where I worked talk about heaven, I began asking questions. Although I’d attended church as a child, I knew nothing about the Bible and salvation. Then one day after a long talk with Rita, one of my coworkers, I prayed a simple prayer: “Jesus save me!” That prayer forever changed my life—and my marriage as I knew it.
I wrote the handbook on how not to win your spouse to Christ
Unfortunately for Barry, right from the start I was one of those obnoxious “Jesus freaks.” I didn’t share my new faith with my husband; I pushed, forced, and shoved. Believe me, I wrote the handbook on how not to win your spouse to Christ. I didn’t speak, I preached. I didn’t live out my faith quietly; I trumpeted my every minute change. I’d say, “See what God’s done in my life? See how loving and humble I now am?” I prayed loudly in Barry’s presence and made sure he knew he was a sinner destined for hell. I even packed gospel tracts in his lunch and added a Bible verse at the end of all my love notes to him.
To Barry’s credit, he remained incredibly patient. (Maybe he was just tuning me out.) Most of the time he avoided my religious rampages by tinkering with our car. Sometimes, though, he’d get angry and yell, “Stop with all the Jesus stuff!” Barry told me he threw the gospel tracts away because they embarrassed him in front of his friends. Once in a while he’d get a pained look on his face and say he wanted his “old wife” back—Jesus-free.
Soon we were at odds with each other. I blamed any and all our marital problems on his unsaved status. After all, if we were both Christians, life would be “happy-ever-after.” Or so I imagined. I tried even harder: blasting my Christian music and scattering opened Bibles around the house; crying and pleading with him to go to church with me. Sometimes, Barry would go. But instead of enjoying him next to me in church, I’d sit there chewing nervously on the end of my pen, praying madly that this would be The Day. Afterwards, I’d quiz him in the car, “What did you think of the sermon? Did you like the music?”
“It was okay,” he’d say. “Do we have any turkey at home for a sandwich?”
The rest of the ride home, I’d sit and fight back either tears or angry words. Why couldn’t he see his need for Christ? I’d fume. Then Barry, sensing my disappointment, would pat my shoulder and say, “Look, I believe in God, but not in the same way you do.” That was not the answer I wanted to hear.
Intercessory prayer — the right way
Then something unexpected happened. I’d been reading a book about intercessory prayer when I had a sudden flash of insight. I told myself, That’s it! I’m going to pray for Barry for the next 80 years, if that’s what it takes. And I’m going to love him. Period.
That was 25 years ago—and I’m still praying and loving. But I’m no longer pining away in self-absorbed isolation waiting desperately for my husband’s salvation to bring marital fulfillment. Instead, I’ve decided that if it takes 80 years, then I want those years to be as enjoyable as possible for the both of us, despite our spiritual differences.
When I first came to faith in Christ and Barry hadn’t, I thought God had made a huge mistake. After all, two following God together made more sense than one. But I now know God never makes mistakes. Since I’d been an unbeliever when we married, I hadn’t willfully disobeyed God by marrying Barry. My situation is by God’s sovereign design. Reminding myself of that enables me to relax my spiritual chokehold on Barry.
The way I see it, God has a plan for each life. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot transform someone else’s heart. I can’t coerce, sweet-talk, or plead my husband into being a Christian. In fact, when I do try, it only drives him away—sometimes literally. If I start nagging him, he’ll get in his truck and drive for hours.
I decided long ago to accept that it’s God’s job to change hearts. That decision frees me to pursue my relationship with God without the added burden of having to bring my husband to faith. All I have to do is love and enjoy him. That’s God’s plan for me, and he gives me all the grace I need to accomplish it.
That doesn’t mean I’m not lonely at times or that I do everything right. The other day I grabbed Barry by the shirt and yelled, “Don’t you see Christ in me?” Struck by the irony of the question, he laughed—and to my surprise, said yes. It helps to remember that Barry’s not my enemy; he’s my husband. I’m just as much a sinner as he is—maybe more so because I have the power to say no to sin and often don’t.
When your loved one doesn’t love God
Here are a few things I’ve learned over these 20-plus years
- Live in the now. I don’t pine for a “happy-ever-after someday.” Instead, I accept things as they are, building on what’s good (such as enjoying each other’s company and planning for our future together), and praying about what’s not so good. Sometimes that means going into a bar with Barry and having a good time drinking a soda—and letting him know I love him just as he is. It’s what Jesus would do.
- Live honestly. In living out my faith, I let my husband see me stumble and struggle. He knows I struggle with fear, that I can’t pass a basket in a store without buying it, and that I sin regularly and often, yet desire not to. That way, he sees that a Christian’s life is one of grace alone, rather than living by a set of rigid rules. Any changes in me aren’t by my effort, but by Christ living in me.
- Honor your marriage. I’m careful not to talk negatively about Barry to anyone, and when he’s home, he’s my priority. This often means passing up social events I dearly want to attend. I seek opportunities to enjoy my husband and build him up, convinced he’s God’s gift to me.
- Pray, pray, pray. Prayer is my link to God’s presence, power, wisdom, and comfort. My favorite Scripture to pray is Ezekiel 36:26, that God will take Barry’s heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh. Another favorite is Isaiah 30:21: “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’” Although it’s hard to pinpoint specific answers to prayer for Barry, I’ve seen his attitude toward spiritual things change drastically over the years. We often talk openly and freely about God.
- Find a support system. Surround yourself with other women who’ll pray with and for you. Also, study the Bible with a friend or small group. Attend church as often as you are able.
- Never give up hope. God offers everyone the same gift of salvation and eternal life. Some choose to accept it, and others don’t. But all who accept the gift do so in God’s timing, not ours. God knows what he’s doing.
I don’t understand why God does what he does. We have two daughters who don’t have the role model of a Christian husband and father. I used to worry about that. As it’s turned out, each daughter gave her life to Christ as a preschooler. Alison, now married, lives out her faith with a believing husband, while Laura’s going through a time of teenage rebellion—but even that’s in God’s hands. As evidenced throughout the Bible, God is in the habit of saving families. That gives me great hope.
Trusting God while you wait
Even so, sometimes I get discouraged. Sometimes I sit in my brown armchair and question whether God even hears my prayers. Or I sit in church and count the couples and ache because few know what my husband even looks like. Or I’ll hear yet another testimony about someone else’s husband coming to faith, and wonder why mine still seems oblivious to his need. But then there are times when Barry exhibits greater faith than I do. In fact, that’s a joke we share. I’m the one who says I have faith, while he’s the one who seems to live it.
He’s always telling me, “Why do you worry about things? God always takes care of us.” Barry almost always knows the right thing to do when it comes to leading our family. I believe that because God sees us as one flesh, my husband shares in my blessings. Because God’s promised to lead me, he leads my husband as well. I don’t have to fret. God’s in control.
The truth is, I might not ever see Barry walk a church aisle, but that’s okay. I have hope that I’ll see him walk through heaven. In the meantime, I live my life as a gift—one I never would have chosen, but one I’ve come to accept with gratitude. I know it comes from the hand of a loving God who only gives his children the best.
Related reading:
The Spirit-Filled Life: The first step to living a full Christian life is to let God’s Spirit work in you.
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As encouraging as this tale is, the author is incredibly blessed to have a generally accepting husband.
Within months of being married, my husband became a militant atheist, insulting my faith and any who believed in it, calling it “a bronze aged belief in a sky-god who doesn’t even exist”, refusing to let any children we may have be even informed about Christ, saying it would be an “abuse of our parental privilege”, as it would be restricting their ability to “think critically”.
I WISH I had husbands like most of you described — they’re on they’re way. Mine is running in the other direction ON PURPOSE. He is hurtful and spiteful and it WILL prevent me from practicing my faith.
It is in situations like that where I believe God would not want a loving woman to continue to stay because of the detriment it could do to her.
Hello Karl,
Yes all you can do is pray for her and her family and live your life the best you can for Jesus and love Him and trust that He will eventually save her.
I pray Lord for Karl’s wife that you cause her to be hungry for you and come to know you in salvation and that Karl and her and family will enjoy a sweet fellowship together in harmony. Amen God bless you Karl. God loves you
Thank you for your article ,my biggest worry is my wife and family not being saved as I am now .It`s on my mind all the time .And I was saved when we had one child so I know God has a plan .I will fast and pray all my life for Jesus because I know he hears my prayers.My love for Jesus will help my family and I know things will be fine in the end .
Hello Danielle,
I don’t know if your fiance is doubting his salvation but it is possible.
Please Google “Assurance of Salvation” the first website will be “carm.org” click on it and read the article. I found it extremely helpful.
I thought this might help
I pray for him that he will be able to let his faith soar to great heights. Amen
I really appreciate this story. I was googling trying to find help. My fiancee and father to my son, whom i love so dearly revealed to me he doesn’t know if he believes in God. He is young. Just turned 24 and had a very rough and abusive childhood that has been resurfacing issues. I was saved years ago and was raised in church. I watch my fiancee get baptized with our son last year. He felt it. He admitted it. We went through our premarital counseling with our pastor. We have had in-depth convos on christianity, religion and theology until 5 am. But he just revealed to me a couple days ago he doesn’t know if he believes. and last night at a book store. I found me and new study journal and a bible. He started making fun of me saying I was going through my “SC” phase.. I looked at him with question and he said “Suddenly Christian”. It really hurt and I wanted to cry. I know I am not perfect but I have stood by him and let him lead our family as well as supported him in all decisions including ones i knew would hurt our family but he felt so strongly about it. God put us back together again. But I try to be the best mother God wants me to be as well as wife (soon enough). I really really appreciate your story and advice. I will pray and be the example for my soon to be husband and my son.
Nicole, some of the specifics of God’s plan can be a mystery even up to the moment we see Him face to face. But there is one thing I know that God will do through the separateness between you and your husband: God is going to use this in your life so that you will learn to depend on Him more. Now I know at first glance that can look cruel, but the more you think about it the more you will discover that our faith in God grows best when we are tested and brought to the end of our own ability to stand. As my friend says, “A faith never tested is no faith at all.” I know the road ahead looks hard and there is a lot of uncertainty and many dangerous curves along the way. But God’s promise to you is “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5) On this road you are headed down He will prove that to you again and again. You will be able to declare with Paul “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13)
Lord God, I pray for Nicole. You know the hurt she is feeling because she and her husband are not united in their faith and trust in You. I pray that you will teach her how to rest in Your love and in Your power to travel the road that is before her. Use her patient faith to shine your light into her husband’s life so that he too will surrender all to follow You. Be her comfort and her joy through it all. Amen.
Thank you for this story. My husband revealed to me that he does not believe in the Bible and he is unsure of his belief in God. I have always believed in God but my relationship with Jesus was just truly established in March of this year. My husband is deployed, so I am sure that his feelings have much to do with our distance and the fact that I am different. Although, today, after hearing him officially say that he does not believe the Bible is real, my heart was broken. I felt as if I had lost hope. He and I are already separated by distance but I think we came to the agreement that there should be more of a separation than that. I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless and confused. Your story is encouraging to me, but how can God want women like us to live in this constant state of hope. To me it is torture, always wanting something, that never seems to come. Why would God want that for me?
Beth I am so glad to hear that you were encouraged by this article. We also offer personal mentoring. If you would like to have someone to walk alongside of you on your journey, just fill in the form on this page and an online mentor will email you back. http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
Thank you for this. I almost cried while reading it. I am struggling with my husband and his relentless questions about why I believe so intently in God and heaven. You are a ray of light in my struggle. So again thank you!
“Hypertolerance”? Either you are tolerant or you are not. The prefix–”hyper” is not applicable. I commented because N.K. was somehow not happy with her husbands state of affairs. Observe that she has no objection to his character or moral being—just his lack of belief in her particular religion. And yet—and yet—as a non-believer–he has no truck with her beliefs and passes no judgement. What does that tell you about the nature of her belief system?–and his?
When someone–”truly believes that she has discovered the greatest and most important truth a person could ever find”–it can explode into a dangerous state of affairs. Because it means (by implication) that anything else–anything to the contrary is abjectly false, must be rejected and never tolerated. The Christian religion (along with Islam and Judaism) are laboratory examples of this kind of dogmatic thinking. The conflict, persecution and destruction generated by their intolerance is a matter of historical record that continues to this day (as this NK’s blog perfectly demonstrates).
Sorry to hear the negative response. As believers, we walk according to God’s will and not our own. Yes, it can be labeled as fundamentalist theology and some prefer not to believe altogether. We all have the right to make our choices and I have decided to follow Christ. :)
Joe, it sounds like you’re saying that it’s wrong for a person to try to change another person’s religious beliefs. But if that’s the case, why are you trying to change this lady’s religious beliefs? You say you are an “active crusader in speaking out against the evils of fundamentalist theology.” It sounds like you’re saying that you’re trying to change everyone’s opinions to be the same as yours, and that anyone who disagrees with you is wrong? Isn’t that itself wrong, according to your definition of “intolerance”?
Please don’t mistake what I’m saying, because I am a fan of tolerance. A big fan! I am not trying to attack your beliefs in any way, and think you should be free to hold them and argue for them and try to convince others. Tolerance is foundational; we should be willing to live alongside those whose convictions differ from our own.
However, I do disagree with the more modern version of hyper-tolerance that says that no one is allowed to disagree with eachother. Disagreement is necessary for tolerance to take place; you can’t tolerate someone you already agree with, because you already agree, there’s nothing to tolerate. Too often “intolerance” is used as a hate word, wielded against anyone with whom a person disagrees.
But if this lady truly believes that she has discovered the greatest and most important truth a person could ever find, wouldn’t she want the love of her live to share it with her? How could she say, “Well, I think this is the most important thing in the world, but who cares if my mate for life shares it with me.”? After reading the whole article, it sounds like the author has made a change in her approach, from nagging (“I pushed, forced, and shoved”) to a more constructive and patient approach (“I don’t have to fret. God’s in control.”).
What’s most disturbing to me is your unwillingness to accept your husbands beliefs unless they exactly parallel your own. It’s disturbing it highlights an ugly and dangerous attribute of Christian theology… INTOLERANCE. It is intrinsic to the Christian belief system and well indoctrinated into it’s followers.
Observe that your husband is completely accepting of your faith and shows no desire to coerce you into seeing things his way. This is a very healthy psychological state and something you would do well to learn from. Why is it so necessary to make him think and believe in favor of your pinched view of existence? Never mind, I know why—it’s what happens when you take a dogmatic approach to belief and the Christian belief system will not tolerate any other kind. I can’t begin to convey how destructive and detrimental a rigid dogmatic approach to faith is to human life and psychological health.
It is one of the primary reasons why I’m not simply content to be a non-believer but an active crusader in speaking out against the evils of fundamentalist theology. The damage done is clear to see—how it messes up people’s heads, cripples critical thinking and destroys human relationships. On a larger scale it is the source of tremendous conflict, turmoil, bigotry, death and suffering as history demonstrates.
In closing I’d like to say how lucky you are to have a husband like yours. But I’m afraid I can’t say the reverse.
Hello, I have been reading everyone’s comments and it is sad for me to hear that husbands and wives do not agree on their relationships with God. I am fortunate to have a husband I married at 20 years of age who is at heart a Christian. Neither of us go to Church although we have spoken about it. I know that i would have had we had children as I come from a very devout Baptist background. In the past, I enjoyed a very joyous relationship with God and felt his grace every day. And then, people around me began to die, my twin sister developed bi-polar illness and my husband’s and my life has been one trial after another for the last 14 years. in addition to helping and coping with all those who have been ill and/or who have died, I was a Special Education Teacher for 27 teacher which was very challenging. What kept me gong was meeting with other teachers between classes in the restroom to pray and to pray before school. Now, that I am retired, I have been reading and studying on my own, trying to feel God’s grace he once bestowed so lavishly on me I know that God does not punish, nor does he pull away from us. It is us who pull away from him. But I do not understand why I have pulled away from him when I am desperate for his love. My twin sister now lives with us and it is a daily struggle to let God handle things. The story is so much more complicated than what i am writing here but i am so lonely for God. I do not go to Church because I find the Dogma and hypocrisy too much to take. When my father was dying of Cancer, all he wanted was for his children to help him around the house and to come to visit him. (We were 7 then – 1 had already gone to heaven when she was 21). But did they come? No! My husband and I were there as often as we could and my Father looked up at me and sad with sadness in his eyes “Oh, they’ll pray for you but they won’t help you” For the last 14 years, this continues to be true as the rest of my siblings pray for my twin sister but do they call her? visit her? donate money for her medicines? absolutely not? Oh, but they are praying for her – and for my husband and myself. When my youngest sister died unexpectedly in Oct. 2007 and my twin sister needed to move from AZ back to MO. the only person who offered to help was my deceased sisters husband so he and my husband drove to AZ, closed down my twin sisters apartment and brought her things here to our house. Now there is a real Christian. I am so tired of hearing scripture. Scripture in and of itself in isolation means nothing. it is the message and relationship we have with God that matters. My father did not go to Church. However, he made sure we did every Sunday and he carried his Bible with him in his Car. He also ministered to younger single men in the neighborhood where we lived and showed them the way to live a God Fearing life. He led without criticizing or preaching, just talking. He and I had many Biblical conversations around the kitchen table which have helped me since his death. I would dare say he was a true disciple of God’s word.
Thank you for sharing your story. I actually read this back in March while undergoing a separation and possible divorce. As I read every word, I felt as if a light bulb had gone off inside my spirit. I was at rock bottom, angry at God, angry at my spouse, feeling rejected and unloved. I soon realized that God allowed me to be there in order for me to reflect on what I had done with my marriage. I realized that nagging and forcing my husband to follow Christ was only driving him away. I fell on my face and prayed with painful tears asking the Lord to help mend my marriage. Soon after, I was back home, praising and thanking the Lord for this miracle. We had a few minor set-backs but were able to work it out. Thank you Jesus! Now I see things with “new” eyes, choosing to forgive our past and move forward. My husband isn’t a Christian yet but I believe the Lord is working on him. I will never give up hope. The Lord promised and He is able!
I was searching the internet for some guidance about what to do about my husband who doesnt share my christian beliefs. I found your article and was blown away by how parallel it was to what I am living.
I thought that I was doing a good job of not pressuring and pushing my husband to “share my faith”. BUt I see that I need to work more on me… not on him. I need to reflect our Fathers love more, and not judge him for not attending church with me. I am very active in church, but lately have been feeling that I need to step back from a few activities and try to get still with GOd. SO that is what I am doing now. Spending more time at home and trying to get to studying His word and hopefully living it for my family to see.
I don’t want to be one of those preachy wives who tells everyone else in the family how they should live. I want my words to reflect Gods words and His direction for my life.
Thank you for your stories, and all the ladies stories on this page.
Thank you so much for this wonderful article. I really appreciate you writing it. It helped me so much and I will continue to pray for my husband but not nag. Thank you.
Janice
Bless you, bless you, bless you for writing this. I am in the same situation and newly come to Christ. Patience has always been my weak point and I think maybe God has chosen to teach me patience in this very way. He is always good, always kind, ever gracious.
Thank you so much for this Nancy! Before reading this I would drag my husband to church every sunday and then we’d always end up in an arguement after the ceremony because each sunday I get my hopes up thinking he was starting to believe in God but it always turned out that he was just going along with it for me and I would always end up angry, confused or in tears on our drive home from church. I feel like i’m pressuring and trying so hard to pound it into his head that Christ is real! I only do it because I don’t want him to be dammed to hell… it’s tough… but I will try what you say since what i’m currently doing obviously isn’t working. Thank you Nancy
(Sentence error) God bless you all and don’t ever give into the devil!
Thank you for sharing your inspiring testimony, I’m going through the same situation with my husband. Ya its tough but I’m blessed to have God in my life, he gives me that peace that I need. I’m grateful to God for allowing me to go through this because it has made me strengthen my faith and get closer to him. My husband and I have been married for 1and a half yr, his also a christian but he doesn’t live by Gods words which really hurts me a lot. He refuses to go to pray with me, read the bible, etc but i’m not going to give up HOPE and prayers for my husband because i knw God will make a breakthrough in his own timing. God bless you all and give into the devil!
Kelly, I concluded he was not saved after a conversation we had on the way to the hospital for him to have shoulder surgery. I did not know what to tell our children if he were to die in surgery. I asked what to say to tell the kids if he died in surgery and they asked me if he was in heaven. (The children were 30 & 28). His response was that I should just know. He would not answer me any further. I don’t ever push the issue because he absolutely hates to talk about it but we were discussing his wishes if he were to need life support measures so this was a logical next question. My children are saved and they have tried to ask him as well and never gotten a firm answer one way or another. I told him I would have to tell them he was not going to be in heaven then. He did not contradict that and did not say anymore. I definitely do not believe we can judge other people’s salvation in general and I do not think I know 100% about Danny either but it seems reasonable to think of him as not saved. If in 37 years of marriage you have never seen your mate say a single prayer or ever open a Bible well it is best to pray for his salvation. I have seen him soften toward the Lord as time has gone on and I have eternal hope for his salvation. It is just so terribly frustrating to see the person I love most be eat up with worry and anxiety about the future when he could have the peace that comes from knowing that God is in control. He flies helicopters to the rigs for a living and I know God has spared his life many times over the years as we have prayed safety for him as he flew through Rita, Katrina, Ike, and many more hurricanes. He knows we pray for him and is grateful but he is resistant to a personal relationship with God. He used to say that he did not know what he believed about God and maybe God was an alien who is just more advanced than we are so at least now I know he believes God exists. He is clear about that so that is progress. I think the main issue for me is remembering that God is in control and only the Holy Spirit can draw him into salvation. I often want to try to push the issue or demand that he go to church but the Holy Spirit shuts my mouth. My prayer request when my marriage is under attack by the enemy tempting me to leave him or insist that he discuss salvation is that his eyes be opened to God and my mouth be shut by the Holy Spirit so I don’t say the wrong thing.I can testify that He answers the second part so why would I doubt that He is answering the first part? He is also using this whole issue to teach me deeper faith, patience, and trust in Him. Sorry for the long answer!
Ginger, I hope that God contintues to work in your marriage and in your husband … but I hope that just because he doesn’t give thanks for meals and doesn’t read the Bible that you have concluded he’s not saved… only 30 percent of Christians actually read the Bible as it is! I am sure God is at work and I pray He will complete what He’s begun :) I’m sure it’s not easy but at least keep being a prayerful support to him
Thanks, Tina! The website notified me of your reply on here shortly after you’d posted it, so I have your email saved in my inbox :) I will drop you a line soon! … I’m so very sorry to hear about your troubled teen. That can’t be easy… I hope things are better now. Glad your husband is being a support!
Hi Tina, I want to thank you for taking the time and caring enough to ministry to commenters on this website! However as per our site’s Terms of Service, we want to avoid posts which “contain personal/contact information”. Therefore I have removed your personal email address from your post above.
http://powertochange.com/general-information/terms-of-use/#discuss
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Thank you again for your time & concern!
Blessings,
Darren
Editor, Power to Change
Missy, I don’t think there is a problem with giving my email out on here if you’d like to contact me. One of my more generic ones is {email address removed by site admin}, and you can reach me there, and I will direct you to another email that I use more often. It is actually the email i use for my blogspot, that I update every now and then. I’m online and would love to chat with you/via email if we could. Have a great day. I hate to say I’m glad I’m not the only one, b/c it makes me sad to see so many women have issues w/ not being able to connect spiritually with their husbands, but I know it’s a sign of the times. I have been through a bad week w/ my teenager who tried to commit Suicide, by overdosing on pills. I feel as close as I am to the edge, I know that God is there holding me up…and keeping me from tumbling over. If not, I think I would have simply jumped into the icey depths of the ocean of despair. I’m ever thankful that He is holding me up. My husband is being supportive through this, so I’m thankful for that. I hope each lady on this forum is having a good week and that you feel God’s hand on you…as each of us pray for each one of you!
Kelly, I agree that knowing God has a plan is not an excuse to sit and do nothing. I know for me this whole thing has not been inactive. I have been married for 37 yrs to a man who told me he was saved and does think he is even though he never reads the Bible and will not even say a simple blessing over a meal. It has been a long road but God has used this to grow my faith and to teach me to wait on Him. It does have to be in His timing because only the Holy Spirit can draw a person to salvation but it is definitely not something you sit by and wait on. Prayer is the weapon you use to fight for your husband and prayer is the tool God uses to grow you. My faith and trust in God is so much deeper because of the many cycles I have been through of thinking Danny would come into relationship with the Lord only to find it was not time. I can’t lose my focus on my own relationship with God or I will sink, for sure and that is the blessing. Missy, do get the book—you will be glad you did!
how does your husband feel that you wrote a book about how he doesn’t believe what you do?
I don’t know if there is a way, but if not through here directly, maybe admin could help us out…
I have a shared empathy and compassion for all the women on here, but I can especially identify with Tina and Heather on here and I’d really like to connect with you over email or something. Your stories sound much like mine. My husband and I used to be in the ministry and during my second pregnancy my husband began to have serious doubts and has told me more than once that he doesn’t really believe in the Christian faith anymore… I am still somewhat confident he truly still believes in his heart, as he’s told me before that he still does and wants to be close to God, but the way he speaks on other occasions makes me wonder if life will ever be the same.
I have realized I’ve been looking to my husband for my identity and not Christ… something I’ve always struggled with. I really do admire the person my husband is and I think I even envy him for who he’s become and still trying to become (with or without God) while I am still wandering and searching for myself. Nancy’s article has really encouraged me to ‘stand firm’ and to just focus on me and God and to just allow the Holy Spirit to work in this situation… but I am a very impatient person and I want things to be fixed “right now!” I should pick up a copy of her book too!
(Seriously though… Heather and Tina … I’d love to touch base. Just not sure how)
I don’t want to come off as insensitive, and I’m sure some people will disagree, but I want to point out two things:
a) God doesn’t “not bless” women with conception of babies. God does not “punish” you because of your bad behaviour, at least not in the form of causing curses or sickness or barrenness or death. God doesn’t operate that way. He chastens us with His WORD. If you are unable to get pregnant it’s a physical issue (most likely) and you can seek things like en-vitro or other alternatives etc. But it’s NOT God withholding from you the blessing of a child simply because your husband doesn’t believe. (Think about how many other non-Christian or blended faith families have children!) Just keep hoping for babies. Although it’s discouraging and seems like eons, one year of “trying” for a baby really isn’t that long… I hope it happens for you soon!
b) In response to Chris, no matter how you FEEL about your worthiness of God’s grace, God is ever extending his mercy and grace and love to you ALWAYS and no matter what. It’s totally fine to ask others to pray for you but NEVER feel you cannot approach the Lord yourself. We have been given the ability to come to the Father in Jesus’ Name and the Bible says we can BOLDLY approach his throne of grace. Pray to God and KNOW that even though he doesn’t always answer the way we hope or expect, he always hears our prayers and we are never to base our ‘feelings’ on whether or not we can or should pray to him.
One more thing … people always talk about how things will happen in “God’s time”. While I agree that God has a plan, not absolutely everything is controlled by God and it’s non-productive to say that “well I guess I’ll just sit and wait because it will happen in God’s timing. Keep believing for your husband’s salvation but don’t attribute his lack of faith to “God’s timing” …
Hang in there, wives… God’s goodness and love are greater than the trials of life we face. *hugs*
Thanks for this wonderful article. I am going to print this one out and refer back to it often.
My husband of 30 years is not a Christian, but Hindu. I am a Catholic Christian. My husband has been very supportive of my faith, going to church every Sunday and even taking the children when I could not go. We have participated in different ministries together, did a 7 year Bible study. Besides attending my church, we participate in a small home group bible study at another church. Through all this, he wants to remain his faith. That is confusing to me at times, because I think he finally gets it, but for some reason does not want to commit to being Christian. For him, I think it is a cultural thing. If he commits to being Christian, he somehow will loose his identity.
So I continue to pray for him and appreciate the fact that he does support my faith and made sure the children were raised in my faith. Some of the families that know us laugh, because my husband seems to attend more church functions then husbands who are believers.
Well since I posted that back in July, I stopped going to church, and am home on Sundays more. I have stopped reading my Bible, and the only time I really think about praying is when something comes up where I think I might need help. Of course I praise him when good things happen, but I find myself less and less willing to go to church or even wanting to be involved in anything like that b/c of how my husband is. He is so needy, and continues to tell me I’m not paying enough attention to him, and that he is not getting enough personal attention. I don’t know how much more personal I can get, staying home 90% of the time when I’m not at work, and trying to take online classes, and trying to be a mom also. It’s extremely frustrating, and at this point, I don’t even care if he goes to Church or not. In fact, I’m not sure if I even care about being married to him or not. I worry about him b/c of his health, but I find myself pulling away from him if he holds on to me for too long, or becoming irritated at his neediness. I go through stages where I really want to leave, and I feel an overwhelming guilt at feeling that way. It’s not something I see myself overcoming. Until then I guess I will just keep trudging along, and hope for something to happen… God Bless each one of you ladies. HUGS to all.
Thank you for sharing this wise and honest account of your own marriage, so that others might grow in their own. The lessons you have learned are so valuable to those of us seeking our own acceptance of God’s timing in similar situations.
This article is exactly what I needed. I’ve been married to my husband for a little over a year and we just had the faith conversation. I was raised Catholic and I believe in God and am strong in my faith, but I admit that I have questioned the traditions and beliefs of the Catholic church. It didn’t strike me as odd that my husband didn’t want to go to burch with me when I’d ask him because I didn’t go regularly myself. I thought he just didn’t want to wake up early. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for almost a year now and I pray so much for God to bless us with a baby but bow that I know how my husband really feels I can’t help but think, “no wonder He won’t give us a baby, why give a baby to someone who doesn’t even really believe in Him?” I know that’s not the way God is and that He has a plan for my life even if I don’t fully understand it, but I feel so confused an conflicted right now. I want my husband to get outof his own way and open his heart and I get scared that it won’t happen for him. I’m going to remember this and try my best to be graceful and humble and show him through my actions (without forcing it down his throat) that there is a loving God who is ready for him when he’s ready.
if this things happen continue living to our Lord Christ Jesus dont stops for this is challenge to husband and wives who have different beliefs but in the end God will do miracle. as your husband see in you, that you are brave woman,continue praying and steps by steps; by you as key of your house and instrument of God to your family and to others and good example, it will change into new things. just believe in what you believe in it will be done with the help of our Lord God. because God love you so much and He will find the best in you. always and because you hear His voice and you followe Him as it said John 10:3-4 to HIm the porter openenth and the sheep hear his voice and He calleth His own sheep by name and leadenth them out;and when he putheth forth His own sheep, he goes before them and the sheep follow him for they know His voice. May the Lord God bless you always
In Jesus name
Amen
[...] My Husband Doesn’t Share My Faith [...]
This is what I needed to read today!! In short I was raised by my mom as a christian but had a hard time living it thru teenage and young adult hood,,even though in the back of my mind I loved Jesus and knew the way to go I easily went the other way…thus marrying my husband 10 years ago…..we now have 2 children ages 8 and 4 and I know that I want the best for them now and in the afterlife of heaven…he of course was never raised in church or with anywords of Jesus for that matter, and he is not open to it…..he will not stop me from going to church, nor to take them, but he has no problem saying how he feels on the matter and wants our children to choose for themselves….he believes the church “brainwashes” you and takes your money…..Last week we sent our daughter to a Christian based camp…somewhere in there he claims he didnt know it was christian until she brought back papers from it a week later….thus calling it “garbage”…..this threw me into a whirlwind,,,not much of anger but mostly of hurt….it hurt my feeling that he called what I believed “garbage” and also hurt in the form of breaking my heart that the total fun, learning, etc. my daughter just experianced was now”garbage”….after a long crying argument–mostly on my part because he always avoids talking,discussing,arguing–we parted for the day….I am at a loss….i now know this will be a battle for many years….looking at what rebellion I put on my mom and the struggle she had everyday to point me in the right direction, I only hope that my children can grasp this love of god early enought and surround themselves in it…and I hope that my husband, who is a loving and kind person, wont disturbe it…..
I really needed to read this story, thank you for sharing it. I have recently started praying for my husband. Although he does attend church with me, I know he is not truly giving himself to God. He is still trying to control his own life and destiny, and is pulling awaying from me and our children. I have realized that all I can do is pray daily for him to walk towards God and that he finds a relationship with God. I pray that his heart will soften and he won’t have so much anger and bitterness in him. Beyond those prayers though, I know the walk has to be between him and God~ I cannot control it. All I can do is continue in my own walk and relationship with God and hope that he finds his own way some day.
Tina~ I completely understand what you’re going thru and hope that you do not give up. Stay Strong and know that God is there with you thru every step.
Blessings~
Jenne
Thank you so much for your story. I’m going through a very similar story. I was a believer but didn’t go to church when my husband and I got married. After several years, I started back going to church with our children. I finally encouraged my husband to join us and both children became believers and one night my husband accepted Christ as his savior…but then almost as soon as he did, our church fell apart and it was very disturbing to my husband. Since then I can’t get him back in church, and even though, I really haven’t been back in church either, I still believe and pray and read my Bible. When I mention anything about God or his goodness, I see the rolling of the eyes in disbelief.
Your story helped me to understand to just keep praying for him. And I know, I need to get myself back in church.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to have my faith and love my husband too and your story hit that question straight on.
Thank you so much.
The only thing I know to do besides pulling my hair out, is to pray. I am pretty sure that I have a Pharoah on my hands…symbolically speaking. He is so against the ministry I want to do because of how I got into it. There is no changing how I got into it…and therefore there is no way he’s ever going to approve of it. This is one of those situations where I dont’ know whether to follow God’s direction, or just back off, and let God punish him for not letting me do what I need to be doing. It has become so bad, and I have been influenced to the point that I don’t even do bible study or daily devotions. I feel like I have a mask of a Christian on, even though I feel that way in Spirit. It’s been very aggravating, and I hope that it will change, but I don’t see it doing so, until God is ready to change it. Thanks for the prayers.
Oh my goodness! I can’t believe I came across this article after so many years! I have been married almost 29 years and I am a very devoted christian, but my husband is not. He also wants me to live the “sexy goddess life” as Tina stated and I hate it! If I don’t he is so unhappy and impossible to live with! I love him very much and continue to pray for God to “soften his heart of stone”. Tina, I have no advice because I too am in a similar situation. I am going to print the article, keep it handy and continue praying. I will also pray for you. It is so bad at my house, that I do my bible study and daily devotions in hiding – without him knowing! I pray sincerely, but it is so hard to COMPLETELY turn it over to God and let Him work in his own time.
I enjoyed this article not only because I understand the plight, but because I’m still struggling with learning how to pray. My husband and I have bounced back and forth in church and out of it. I am more dilligent about going than he is. For some reason he believes that when I’m involved in church, and other ministries I believe in, that I am a prude, and uninteresting, as opposed to when I’m living a life of “sexy goddess behavior” where I’m involved in having fun w/ him, and making him proud to have such a sexy fun wife. I am conflicted and confused, and still do not know which way to go. He is opposed to the church that I go to, says it’s too loud, and he doesn’t like the preacher. I became a member much to his chagrin, and disappointment, and he hates that I want to be involved. He also despises the ministry that I have involved myself in because it has “taken me away” from him. I also volunteered to work in the toddler room at church w/out his “permission” and so he is upset at me for that, because I attend two services instead of one. I love him, and I want him to understand my passion for being involved in Church as a inspiration to keep my bond w/ God strong, but it seems as though he negates it at every turn, and even berates it…making me feel hopeless and frustrated. I wish that I could come to some sort of peace in this, but I have not been able to. I do pray, but sometimes I don’t believe I’m praying hard enough, or maybe I’m not praying correctly. I have no idea. This article did help me. I just wanted to vent, and hope that someone has some advice.
Glory, glory and glory to the Lamb of God who is in control of all situations. Wow, you talk about looking at yourself in the mirror, I just have because I am in the exact situation. I have been married twenty-five years and came into the saving faith and grace of Our Heavenly August 14, 1984 and have tried so hard to get my husband saved by myself. I prayed to God to save him but I kept wanting it done now that I kept my hands on it. My husband was stricken with cancer and he prayed to God to save him and he would serve him for the rest of his life. How glad and thankful I was when I heard him pray that prayer. Little did know though that his mother had been convincing to join the Jehovah Witness organization and to pray to Jehovah for a miracle. He just what mom wanted, he joined the Jehovah Witness and now our marriage has had more ups and downs because he says I do not know the “right” Jehovah God. This article is really a blessing to me, I will LET GO and LET GOD be GOD of our marriage. I will be the submissive (respectful and encouraging) wife that God expects me to be. I made my husband, my little “god” and the eternal God has gotten my attention because I truly depended more on my husband than I did on God even though I love God with ALL my heart, mind, soul and strength. I see now how I was blinded but still in love with God. So thank you so much for the encouragement as I walk back to GOD with a repentant heart and a transformed mind. HALLELUJAH TO THE LAMB OF GOD, VICTORY IN JESUS, victory in my marriage, victory in ALL marriages. I have learned how to pray differently after reading this article. GOD IS ABLE AND MORE THAN WILLING. Thank you Jesus.
Good Day,
Thanks for sharing your testimony. I thought I was the only married women with this issue and I feel very much alone. I want so much to share with others how I feel but I can’t seem to do it. My husband has a license to preach and was in the middle of preparing for ordination when he chose to stop going to church, deciding that there was not a church good enough, if that is possible for him. Finally, my daughter and I joined another church. My story will take too long to tell, please pray that God will allow me to let go and let God. I can’t seem to pray because I feel that I’m unworthy of God’s grace.
Hi there! I am in the same situation you have been in/are in and when I read this all of my questions and worries were answered. You are such an amazing woman to think the way you do! My husbands family and friends are constantly trying to pull him back with pressure whereas I am leaving it all to God and living my life as a Christian. Today, I felt so alone because I thought perhaps the feelings I was having (like the way you handled all of this…accept him, love him and don’t pressure him) were wrong since everyone else around me was acting differently and shunning him, yelling at him, making him feel guilty about hurting his wife and pressuring him. I cannot tell you how happy I was to have read your story. I, too, am printing it out and will read it as often as I need to. I really respect and admire your outlook on faith! I am struggling with a few different things though such as when we got married we were both devoted to God and after we had our second child he told me he doesn’t believe anymore. I used to love going to church and listening to God’s Word with my husband but now I am finding that I am jealous of other wives who have the thing that I want. My husband in church. But, it is something I will have to get used to. How did you manage that loneliness in church? your sister in faith, Heather
Nancy, I read your book a few years ago and now recommend it to any women in our situation. I have been through the same stages you mention and am still praying and loving my husband of 36yrs. I find God slowly softening his heart and I rejoice at each day I have with him but it is lonely at times and your book made me feel understood. Thank you for being a blessing to me.
Thank you, so much, for sharing your story….I am living in a very similar situation. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone……God Bless, Melanie
It’s amazing how God has mould you & use you to encourage women with similar plight like myself.. Praise the Lord. Thank you for the encouragement & sharing your experience. Yup indeed, God has a purpose and plan for each life.
This is wonderful beyond words…I am going to pass it on…blessings Brenda
Thank you for this story and the suggestions. I am going to print them and tag them up on my
office wall, as a reminder.
I am a Jewish woman who was found by Christ when I was in college. I married a Jewish man who is, for all intents & purposes, spiritually agnostic. We can talk spirituality and religion, in the abstract, but let me tell him that I want to go to church, and the petty, angry behavior begins. Not God-centered behavior on either of our parts!
Luckily, I have a circle of women friends who know my journey, some where present at my baptism, and who love me and my husband. They see that he is a good man and loves me fiercely.
So, I will take your words to heart: I will let go of my worries, I will honor my husband, I will draw strength from my faith, from my friends and from knowing that I am not the only person who has walked this path.
God bless you.