Jennifer was a disgruntled, single woman at my church. She was thirty-six years old and complained that her life was slipping away. Six years had passed since her last boyfriend, and her dating life remained in limbo. Jennifer wondered whether her heart still had the capacity to love. Beneath her jaded disposition festered an undercurrent of resentment toward God.
After attending church regularly for over two years, she suddenly disappeared. Three months later, I bumped into her at a restaurant and asked her whether she had moved to another church. She replied, “No, I’ve quit church altogether. I just can’t bring myself to worship a God who would leave me in such loneliness.” Jennifer concluded that if she was ever going to let God back into her life, He’d better bring her a husband—and fast.
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Does God promise us a spouse? The Bible says “yes” by describing Christians as the spiritual bride of Christ. Our true spouse is Jesus. Yet, many of us say, “I’m glad to be spiritually married to Christ, but I can’t feel Him. Wouldn’t it be better if I could enjoy God’s love with someone else? I want Jesus with skin on.” So, we pray for God to bring us an earthly mate.
The gripe for love
My search for a spouse turned into a cycle of frustration as I encountered numerous relational struggles and a wife who abandoned me six months into our marriage. I started to wonder if God actually cared about my romantic relationships. Whenever I felt particularly upset about being single, I would sit in my den recliner and gripe to God about the injustice of my social life. Knowing He possessed omnipotent power made it seem logical to expect a wife from Him.
Whenever I demanded that God rush me a spouse, however, He seemed to whisper this question in my heart, “Rob, is the love of Jesus Christ enough for you? Have you allowed My complete forgiveness and unconditional acceptance to satisfy your heart?”
In tears of resignation, I conceded, “I appreciate Your love, Lord, but all I really want is a wife.” I still believed that my heart needed the affection of a person in order to feel complete. In essence, I valued human love more than God’s love.
One day, I began to look back over my life and the numerous dead-end relationships from my past. In each situation, romance had started out with a bang but fizzled under the weight of performance-based love. No matter who I met, either I was too demanding or she couldn’t accept me for who I was.
Suddenly, something clicked within my mind. I thought, “Why am I chasing marriage when it cannot provide the unconditional love that my heart craves? Only Christ offers everything I need.” With this new perspective, I relinquished to God my demand to get married. I still wanted to find a spouse someday, but I no longer considered marriage necessary to complete my life. If I remained single for the rest of my life, that was okay—God promised to fulfill my heart.
When we demand that God bring us a mate, we block His love from enhancing our social life. The anger that we harbor builds a wall between us and Him. If we are honest with ourselves, we realize that our demand for marriage is a refusal of God’s love because we want our selfish desires met. God will never stop loving us, but we ignore Him when we desperately seek a human being to make us happy. Furthermore, whatever we depend upon for our happiness will wind up controlling us. If we believe that we need a human spouse to be satisfied, then people, rather than God, will dictate our lives.
God is in control of everything, but He does not intervene just to make our lives easy. He had no intention of making a woman magically appear and fall in love with me. Instead, God wanted to use His power to mature me into someone who would initiate sacrificial love towards other people. I wanted to get love, while God was teaching me to give love.
The freedom to love
Likewise, God is working in your life to help you meet and love other people. However, you make the final choice as to whom you accept and whom you reject. When you interact with another person, you have the freedom to decide which direction your relationship will take. You can choose to become romantic, just be friends, or end your time together and separate. In addition, the other person has a decision in the matter, which means he can influence the outcome. Consequently, a relationship will not develop unless both of you decide to love each other. On the other hand, if you or the other person make selfish decisions, your relationship may crumble.
The desire for marriage is a fair request, but the consequences of living in a fallen world can prevent people from reaching that goal. For instance, you can pursue someone romantically, but that individual may choose to ignore you, a crisis or illness could hinder you, or that person may decide to leave you. The sins of humanity create numerous barriers to good relationships.
Yet, why is life so hard sometimes? Why doesn’t God use His power to protect us from pain? Actually, God is at work, but in a different way than some of us realize.
God uses His sovereign power to encourage people to love each other, but He also allows us to make selfish choices that can tear us apart. God permits calamity so that we can experience His greatest gift – a free will. Without free will, you and I would be robots or lifeless, stuffed animals. Fortunately, God limits His power to let us make our own choices in life. Does your free will nullify God’s omnipotence? No, as Psalm 37:23 says, “The steps of a man are established by the Lord.” God is so powerful that He can allow you to choose and still work the outcome for His glory.
Why is free will so important? God wants you to enjoy true love, and true love cannot exist without a choice. If you were forced to love God or another person, then love would disappear, and you would be under manipulation. Free will is the key ingredient to true love.
I recognized the importance of this truth when I couldn’t get a date for my junior high school prom. I had asked several girls, but they all turned me down. Four days before the big dance, however, a friend told me about a girl, named Tiffany, who needed a date. Frankly, I wasn’t attracted to her, but I asked her anyway, because she was my only option.
During the prom, Tiffany and I attempted to be cordial, but it became obvious that neither of us had an interest in each other. We didn’t talk during dinner, we didn’t want to dance as the band played, and we didn’t smile as our pictures were taken. Most of the evening, we sat in silence and stared dreamily at the students whom we really liked. Through that ordeal, I learned that love cannot exist unless both parties freely choose to be together.
Therefore, finding an earthly spouse will not occur through demanding God to miraculously bring someone to your doorstep. Marriage is not a predetermined process that happens mysteriously. You will get frustrated if you believe that God mystically pairs people together. If God predetermines marriage, then why doesn’t He stop divorce? Instead, God lets us make the decision to love or the decision to leave.
The choice to love
God brings people across your path and encourages you to love them, but He lets you manage your relational responses. Thus, marriage revolves around deliberately making choices to love another person. You can improve your opportunities for romance by getting out and choosing to sacrificially love people. Or, you can opt for selfish or reclusive behavior and diminish your relational prospects. The quality of your social life hinges on the choices you make.
Does God promise you a spouse? Yes, as the bride of Jesus Christ. Does God promise you an earthly spouse? No, because finding a husband is a process, in which two people decide to sacrifice themselves for each other’s benefit. So, don’t let the goal of earthly marriage control your life. Otherwise, you will become miserable, because you cannot control the future or free will of other people.
God wants your spiritual marriage to be your heart’s primary source of love and acceptance. Earthly relationships are the avenues to express His love to others. The more you love other people, the more you increase opportunities for an intimate relationship to develop. God may not orchestrate a passionate romance on earth, but He promises a life of passion to enjoy with Him.
Questions:
Use the following questions to consider if your desire for marriage has become a demand:
If your desire for marriage has turned into a demand, find encouragement by meditating on these verses: Philippians 4:6-13; 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.
Tags: husband, marriage, relationships, Rob Eagar, sex and love, singles, Women, women and men
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Christmas
so enlightening, thank you so much for such a practical explanation to God’s word. My spirit is definitely fed.
What about the words in Genesis “It is not good for man to be alone” the God created out of Man a Woman. That signals to me that God wants man to have an earthly wife and multiply. Hope you clarify this for me. Thanks.
Hi Daniel,
I think we need to be careful about taking meaning out of the biblical text that isn’t there. The actual wording of Genesis 2:18 is:
The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
God doesn’t actually say all people, only this one particular man. So I don’t think this verse suggests that absolutely everyone should get married (especially given Paul’s writings in 1 Corinthians 7). This is only one of three times in the whole Bible (that I know of) where God specifically provides a bride for someone (the others being Hosea&Gomer, and Joseph&Mary).
Not only was the apostle Paul not married, but neither was Jesus. (Ignoring the ridiculous ramblings of the Da Vinci Code!) So while for many people marriage is a good thing, I don’t think God mandates marriage for everyone.
Thank you for your article. It resonated with me as part of my spiritual weakness is my current struggle accepting God’s will as it is being manifested in my life right now after the break up with someone I really care about. Part of my continued lesson is learning and accepting that God gives everyone free will, to consciously love or walk away from the challenge .
i’m single and i’m 48. when i turned 40, i made the decision to be “alone”. after a series of failed relationships, i got tired of the roller-coaster romantic rides. i became very happy and content – i thought i found the true essence of “single-blessedness”. for 4 years it felt blissful. until i found (again) my soulmate. after 16 years of not even knowing where each other were, we both thought finding each other again (both single) was some kind of miracle. in less than 2 years, we lost each other again. i’ve asked the question why so many times. and altho my spiriutal life became stronger because of the experience, i can’t find answers to my questions. until now.
thank you for opening my eyes. i guess my perspective got clouded by the frustration and the pain. I used my free will in dealing with that last relationship. and you’re right, i am Jesus’s bride. it’s time to live that out – in full.
Thanks, I appreciate the info about loving people (which is also one of the most important commandments!)
It’s pretty disapointing for me that none of my crushes worked out, but I see my time of singleness as opportunity to love others more, and serve God and people.
Only Jesus was the perfect person to marry, and He’s challenging me to love him more.
That would be sad if I don’t find that person, but at least I know that I’m pleasing God.
I belong to a group of Christian who were all singles in their late 30’s and early 40. Three of us (women) were actually separated. The rest are real single never experienced marriage. Every time we gather we always include in our prayer a spouse for each of us. For many years we’d been doing it, no spouse ever came. I am the only one in the group who dated and involved in a romantic relationship. I’d been on and off with my relationships. What I want to say here is that yes, it is God‘s will for us to enjoy and find someone but He will not be the one to find for us. He will let us chose and honor the one that we put in our heart. We need to pray while we search. I concluded the reason why I was the only one in the group who has romantic relationship is because most of them do not actually search for someone nor make themselves nice-looking. It’s like they are waiting for a fruit in a tree to fall. They are waiting for God to intentionally make someone magically appear and love them. When that didn’t happen, they tend to question God and sometimes they want to resign. It is never God’s will for us to live with sorrow of being alone. He will let us find our own happiness and intend to leave us with that decision so we will learn afterwards. Of course, He didn’t totally left us. It was like He’s just standing right there and looking. I am a woman and I do not search but I make it a point to make myself pleasant. I can say that wisdom from the Lord is very important while you go and search otherwise you’ll end up with the wrong person.
Thank you for this article. I particularly enjoyed the questions at the end. There are two questions that I am concerned about. The first being “can I feel content and thankful to God in my singleness?” I am always thankful but I don’t believe that I am content. I am just dealing with it. I am 49 y/o and I am very active in my church and private life but I would love to have someone to come home to that’s just for me! The other question, “am I afraid of the possibility of never getting married? YES! But I won’t let it stop me from living. Is the love of Jesus Christ enough for me? It is the biggest part of my life but I want to be in God’s permissive will! There are many who desire to have the perks of marriage without the committment. I desire the committment! Even if I were married or if I never get married I will always worship and praise the Lord I just hope that this is not all there is for me!
this was truly awesome,I’ve struggled with this for a long time. My life will definitely take a turn for the better, in Christ Jesus.
Thank you for that excellent article. But, I must say that God SENT me my husband. I have the love of God in my heart. When I prayed for a husband, the Lord specifically told me who I was going to married (mind you, I didn’t even know his name when I was told). So I disagree with you when you say you will get frustrated if you believe that God mystically pairs people together. GOD DELIVERED MY HUSBAND!!!!!! I agree that marriage is not for everyone, but remember God said he will give you the desires of your heart if its His will. It is not a selfish desire to ask God for a marriage. I have nevered searched for a husband, I only prayed and believe me God answered that prayer. Me and my husband were blessed by God to bless others, that is why he paired us together. I cannot say that God will leave you single. If its your desire to marry I know God will bless you with that. Yes, God put people in our path to love. He never wants us to be alone. So I would have to say, God does bring two people together to be married. He had done it for me. The same God that answered my prayer, answered my husband prayer also. He prayed the same prayer I prayed and that was to be married. Just like me, he was told he would be getting married. So please don’t underestimate the power of God. God answers prayers all the time even when we don’t think He would.
This article was painful to read. The saying goes “The truth hurts”. I am 37years old and have had the desire to be a wife since I was 5 years old playing with my dolls. To date, I have never been married and have zero prospects. The last relationship I was in I just KNEW God brought us together for life. He was THE ONE! 9 months later… and for the remainder of almost 2 years, he is nothing more than a friend to me. Each time my heart is shattered, I pull closer to God because He is the only one who I can rely on. He’s always been there and always WILL BE there for me. I hope that one day, Jesus unconditional love for me will be enough. But until then. It sure does hurt to watch everyone else find someone that loves them enough to keep them forever and have no man feel that way about me.
I’m 64yrs. old and this has help me out a lot. I thought God was going to find me a husband. I was married a long time ago before I was saved. The marriage lasted two years. That was in the 70’s. After I accepted christ I lost contact with my husband. So in God’s eyes I’m still married. Some days I want to be married and some days I don’t. Right now I have decided to love God. Right now I’m content with being single. I believe God is going to let me be an example to single folks that you can have a relationship with God and be content. I’m going to share this article with the singles in my church. This article has given me a whole new outlook on marriage. Thank you so much.
I am 46 years old and have never been married. In the past I would become angry with God for not sending me a Christian husband. If God loves me so much, why couldn’t her fulfill this, my greatest desire? Was there something wrong with me? Was I so unlovable? But now that I have matured more in my Christian walk, I realize that God may not have said “no” to my request, but rather “wait”. But then again, maybe He has other plans for me, plans that do not include marriage. Maybe marriage would be a hinderance to His plans. I don’t know the answer, but I do know that God won’t do anything to harm me, He wants to prosper me, and he wants me to be happy. So now I just rely on God to fulfill His plans for my life, no matter what they include, I trust in Him. And life without a husband, isn’t so bad afterall.
I will say that I liked the beginning of the article. You made some good points.
I was apalled when I heard that our greatest gift is free will. If you are a Christian, then God has saved you from what you deserve, namely an eternity in hell. I would think it very difficult to find a greater gift. Also with that, is getting to enjoy His presence and glorify Him for all of eternity.
It also sounds like a lot of people think that God owes them a spouse.
http://diakoneo.wordpress.com/2008/06/12/unworthy-slaves/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4vx3RBIKok
1 Peter 4:11 Whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.
How often we boast in the utterances of God, as though they were our own, or in our service, as through we did it in our own strength… God should strike us down dead the moment we put our hand out towards His throne in an attempt to rob Him of His glory…
It is not God’s job to be our divine butler and give us everything we want. God never promised us that. Everything we do is to be done for God’s glory. That is true Christianity. When you make your happiness the center, it’s called humanism.
Thank you for the encouraging words. God has given us His very best, Jesus Christ (The Messiah). He did say that we should have no other gods before Him. Maybe marriage sometimes becomes an idol to those of us who are single.
Thinking of my own experiences, I have had opportunities to possibly build a life with decent men, but didn’t see it or value them at the time. Now that I’m older and feel ready for marriage, I’ve been impatient and probably resentful as well.
I’m so grateful for what God and Jesus have done for us, and ashamed to have let earthly desires cloud my greatest blessing. Especially after being forgiven of so much.
Thanks again, you are all in my prayers to have the abundant life in Christ!
(Is anyone truly single, when part of the wonderful body of Christ?)
Hi everyone,
As author of the article, I wanted to tell everyone thanks for your comments and lively discussion. The topic of God’s involvement in our relationships is a very important area that many people tend to ignore.
This article was pulled from Chapter 3 of my book, “Dating with Pure Passion.” So, if you’d like to read a more thorough discussion about the issue, I invite you to check it out.
Also, I have 16 other free articles that you’re welcome to read at the book’s official website:
http://www.datingwithpurepassion.com/articles
In Christ,
Rob Eagar
I just wanted to thank you for this article. It ccnfirmed everything that I have felt God was trying to show me. I’m 31 years old and I have spent my entire adult life moving from one relationship to the next trying to fill the emptiness inside of me. Every relationship has failed and the last one left me a single mom. I grew up in church and was continually told to wait and pray for a spouse, but I would look at the Christian couples around me and think, “That’s what God brought you? He’s awful.” My trust in God concerning relationships was destroyed by the examples I saw in the Christian community. After every failed relationship I would begin to pray and beg God for a spouse. I would write down a list of characteristics that I wanted in a spouse and lay awake at night visualizing the life I would have with my new spouse. I was obscessed. When each of my exs entered my life I was empty and so lonely that it took very little for me to fall madly in love and believe that I had found my soulmate, and with that belief I justified sex before marriage and eventually even living with a man, the father of my child. After years of one mistake after the other and the birth of my beautiful little girl it finally clicked. For years I had been searching for the love that God had been offering me. I had expected a man to give me the love and peace that only God can bring. I’m a single mom and at moments it can be a struggle, but I have more joy, peace, love in God than I was ever able to find on my own. I wasn’t ready to be with anyone because I wasn’t filled with God’s love and at this point I still don’t believe I’m ready. If you are searching for a mate to fill a void within yourself you won’t find what you’re looking for. Only God can fill the emptiness.
Thanks for such an encouraging article but I believe that God does reveal one’s marriage partner. However, this is not applicable to everyone but for purposes known to Him except He decides to reveal it to the persons involved but I think the issue has to do with acceptance of the person God is proposing, especially if you do not like the person. Moreover, I have learnt overtime that God’s will supersedes. For some other christians; it’s freewill to choose their life partners.
MY AUNT SENT THIS PAGE TO ME IN AN EMAIL. I NEEDED THIS. THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SO ENCOURAGING. FEELING LONELY DUE TO A BREAK UP WHICH IM NOT SURE WAS. JUST HAVEN’T HEARD FROM HIM IN A WHILE. HE IS STATIONED OVERSEAS. I THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE, I STILL DON’T KNOW BUT JUST STANDING ON FAITH BELIEVING I WILL BE OK EITHER WAY.
thanks .i dont know what to say because is articides is just talking about me.but i now one thing that God love is children so much that he gave is holy son.i know that is why God want me to see these.thank God for useding these person to be a bless to me.i know so well that u love me somuch.what will i have done with u lord
I agree with Yvette and disagree with Kei. I agree with Yvette because my story is like hers. I am a 30 year-old virgin and I have been single for over 10 years. I have always desired a husband but I knew I had to keep God first and focus on Him to fulfill me and to grow into a virtuous woman. For a few months now, the Holy Spirit has been giving me peace and letting me know that my husband was on the way. Well, out of the blue, I received an email from someone that I have been friends with for years. We stayed in contact off and on for years but I had always maintained feelings for him and he always respected me. He is now a strong godly man and he is bettering his life. I am a strong godly woman and bettering my life as well. I have no doubt in my mind that this is the man God wills for me. I am at peace and I am looking forward to the future, while all the while continuously staying in prayer.
I disagree with Kei about getting out there and finding a husband. First off, this is how people get in trouble. Women really aren’t supposed to be finding a husband. The Bible said that a man who findeth a wife finds a good thing. Let God bring that man to you. And don’t be so quick to tell a man you are going to marry him. That’s a sign you are letting your emotions get in the way of God. Keep praying and basically keep your mouth shut. My friend that I was talking about above, I know he is my husband but I’m not going to tell him that. I believe he knows that I’m going to be his wife but he’s not going to tell me that. We both are still praying and staying faithful regarding God’s timing of things. God’s timing is perfect and there is no need to rush things because if something is for you, you don’t have to worry about losing it. You only move too fast when you are insecure and afraid. Take your time and find something to do with your life, especially if you have too much time on your hands.
Thank you for the article, but I also have to believe that when God says…”delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart” there is that “HE shall”which means that HE has complete ability to bring two people together, if we ask Him. Especially if we pray that God would bring us together for His purposes and not simply because we desire companionship. I know that is my heart’s desire. I want to serve the Lord with my husband for the greater purpose than just myself….for God. I want to partner up. Now, if it is completely up to me, I don’t know what other people are called to do, only God knows that, so I have to make that request to God that he will lead and guide me in that respect and trust that He will lead me to a person for God’s good purposes where my gifts and abilites would serve well as a helpmate to a specific person. Also, in certain age groups and locations, there aren’t as many options out there for people to choose from so we HAVE to rely on God to guide us to our spouse if we request Him to. It isn’t like there is an ocean of options in certain places. Don’t you think that He would gladly want to be the matchmaker if we ask Him? God can move our hearts and suggest and help our choices along, especially when we have asked Him specifically. How many references are there about asking God because He delights in giving good gifts to His children? I don’t want the choice to be completely left up to me because I don’t know what is always best for me and there has to be faith in God in some part. You never know what you are getting yourself into when choosing to marry someone and you can’t spend what would need to be a lifetime of courting to find that out either and if we leave our faith and trust in God, I am 100% convinced that he will guide our paths together for HIS glory. Also, don’t you think there is a reason for chemistry? Why are we attracted to some people and not others? I absolutely believe God has some design in that too. Why would it even be there? I am not going to marry a man I feel nothing for. It isn’t always a choice to feel attraction towards certain people and not others. Yes, we have free will, but if our free will is to ask God to make the choice knowing our heart’s desires and it is for His good purposes, I believe He will make it happen through His guiding and our following.
[...] You a Spouse? …was the question that Rob Eagar over at thelife.com proposed recently. His post was tried to answer this question in the affirmative . Many evangelicals through the years have [...]
Hello :)
I read this a few days ago but didn’t get time to comment. Though in saying that it has given me more time to think about what you have said, clearly.
I was rejected from my ex boyfriend after a relationship of his lust…and my pure love, because lust was never a thing i worried about, there’s only two ways for me – Love or hate.
So after I had been dished out this lovely plate of guilt and shame, I started looking for answers and wanted to become happier and content with where I was at.
I am 20 yrs old and he was 28…yes I know…
But I loved him with everything and only found out that what he was feeling was pure lust.
I still think about it everyday but I’m also very scared of never getting married, but trusting in God and His will makes me feel better.
After my break up I actually became a born-angel christian because I had felt the calling of God on me and pulling me. Telling me that I cannot have this control of my life, I can’t demand things of people.
Cut to the point though, this article makes me very calm and relaxed, knowing that if it be His will, He will fulfil it.
Thanking you muchly
I partly agree with this article. I prayed to my Lord for a woman and He used so many twisting situations for a chance for me to meet her that I can’t imagine.
When I found her ……she had all the qualities that I had prayed for. God answered my Prayer.
When I prayed- I said that I wanted a wife who is a Prayer Giantess and someone with whom I can have more deeper fellowship in Christ and I am so glad that God heard my prayers. It was not a co-incidence but a Miracle.
This article is good but Lord does provide Spouse when you pray to him according to His will.
Thanks for this article.