Does God Promise You a Spouse?
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Jennifer was a disgruntled, single woman at my church. She was thirty-six years old and complained that her life was slipping away. Six years had passed since her last boyfriend, and her dating life remained in limbo. Jennifer wondered whether her heart still had the capacity to love. Beneath her jaded disposition festered an undercurrent of resentment toward God.
After attending church regularly for over two years, she suddenly disappeared. Three months later, I bumped into her at a restaurant and asked her whether she had moved to another church. She replied, “No, I’ve quit church altogether. I just can’t bring myself to worship a God who would leave me in such loneliness.” Jennifer concluded that if she was ever going to let God back into her life, He’d better bring her a husband—and fast.
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Does God promise us a spouse? The Bible says “yes” by describing Christians as the spiritual bride of Christ. Our true spouse is Jesus. Yet, many of us say, “I’m glad to be spiritually married to Christ, but I can’t feel Him. Wouldn’t it be better if I could enjoy God’s love with someone else? I want Jesus with skin on.” So, we pray for God to bring us an earthly mate.
The gripe for love
My search for a spouse turned into a cycle of frustration as I encountered numerous relational struggles and a wife who abandoned me six months into our marriage. I started to wonder if God actually cared about my romantic relationships. Whenever I felt particularly upset about being single, I would sit in my den recliner and gripe to God about the injustice of my social life. Knowing He possessed omnipotent power made it seem logical to expect a wife from Him.
Whenever I demanded that God rush me a spouse, however, He seemed to whisper this question in my heart, “Rob, is the love of Jesus Christ enough for you? Have you allowed My complete forgiveness and unconditional acceptance to satisfy your heart?”
In tears of resignation, I conceded, “I appreciate Your love, Lord, but all I really want is a wife.” I still believed that my heart needed the affection of a person in order to feel complete. In essence, I valued human love more than God’s love.
One day, I began to look back over my life and the numerous dead-end relationships from my past. In each situation, romance had started out with a bang but fizzled under the weight of performance-based love. No matter who I met, either I was too demanding or she couldn’t accept me for who I was.
Suddenly, something clicked within my mind. I thought, “Why am I chasing marriage when it cannot provide the unconditional love that my heart craves? Only Christ offers everything I need.” With this new perspective, I relinquished to God my demand to get married. I still wanted to find a spouse someday, but I no longer considered marriage necessary to complete my life. If I remained single for the rest of my life, that was okay—God promised to fulfill my heart.
When we demand that God bring us a mate, we block His love from enhancing our social life. The anger that we harbor builds a wall between us and Him. If we are honest with ourselves, we realize that our demand for marriage is a refusal of God’s love because we want our selfish desires met. God will never stop loving us, but we ignore Him when we desperately seek a human being to make us happy. Furthermore, whatever we depend upon for our happiness will wind up controlling us. If we believe that we need a human spouse to be satisfied, then people, rather than God, will dictate our lives.
God is in control of everything, but He does not intervene just to make our lives easy. He had no intention of making a woman magically appear and fall in love with me. Instead, God wanted to use His power to mature me into someone who would initiate sacrificial love towards other people. I wanted to get love, while God was teaching me to give love.
The freedom to love
Likewise, God is working in your life to help you meet and love other people. However, you make the final choice as to whom you accept and whom you reject. When you interact with another person, you have the freedom to decide which direction your relationship will take. You can choose to become romantic, just be friends, or end your time together and separate. In addition, the other person has a decision in the matter, which means he can influence the outcome. Consequently, a relationship will not develop unless both of you decide to love each other. On the other hand, if you or the other person make selfish decisions, your relationship may crumble.
The desire for marriage is a fair request, but the consequences of living in a fallen world can prevent people from reaching that goal. For instance, you can pursue someone romantically, but that individual may choose to ignore you, a crisis or illness could hinder you, or that person may decide to leave you. The sins of humanity create numerous barriers to good relationships.
Yet, why is life so hard sometimes? Why doesn’t God use His power to protect us from pain? Actually, God is at work, but in a different way than some of us realize.
God uses His sovereign power to encourage people to love each other, but He also allows us to make selfish choices that can tear us apart. God permits calamity so that we can experience His greatest gift – a free will. Without free will, you and I would be robots or lifeless, stuffed animals. Fortunately, God limits His power to let us make our own choices in life. Does your free will nullify God’s omnipotence? No, as Psalm 37:23 says, “The steps of a man are established by the Lord.” God is so powerful that He can allow you to choose and still work the outcome for His glory.
Why is free will so important? God wants you to enjoy true love, and true love cannot exist without a choice. If you were forced to love God or another person, then love would disappear, and you would be under manipulation. Free will is the key ingredient to true love.
I recognized the importance of this truth when I couldn’t get a date for my junior high school prom. I had asked several girls, but they all turned me down. Four days before the big dance, however, a friend told me about a girl, named Tiffany, who needed a date. Frankly, I wasn’t attracted to her, but I asked her anyway, because she was my only option.
During the prom, Tiffany and I attempted to be cordial, but it became obvious that neither of us had an interest in each other. We didn’t talk during dinner, we didn’t want to dance as the band played, and we didn’t smile as our pictures were taken. Most of the evening, we sat in silence and stared dreamily at the students whom we really liked. Through that ordeal, I learned that love cannot exist unless both parties freely choose to be together.
Therefore, finding an earthly spouse will not occur through demanding God to miraculously bring someone to your doorstep. Marriage is not a predetermined process that happens mysteriously. You will get frustrated if you believe that God mystically pairs people together. If God predetermines marriage, then why doesn’t He stop divorce? Instead, God lets us make the decision to love or the decision to leave.
The choice to love
God brings people across your path and encourages you to love them, but He lets you manage your relational responses. Thus, marriage revolves around deliberately making choices to love another person. You can improve your opportunities for romance by getting out and choosing to sacrificially love people. Or, you can opt for selfish or reclusive behavior and diminish your relational prospects. The quality of your social life hinges on the choices you make.
Does God promise you a spouse? Yes, as the bride of Jesus Christ. Does God promise you an earthly spouse? No, because finding a husband is a process, in which two people decide to sacrifice themselves for each other’s benefit. So, don’t let the goal of earthly marriage control your life. Otherwise, you will become miserable, because you cannot control the future or free will of other people.
God wants your spiritual marriage to be your heart’s primary source of love and acceptance. Earthly relationships are the avenues to express His love to others. The more you love other people, the more you increase opportunities for an intimate relationship to develop. God may not orchestrate a passionate romance on earth, but He promises a life of passion to enjoy with Him.
Questions:
Use the following questions to consider if your desire for marriage has become a demand:
- Am I dating to find someone who can make me feel better about myself?
- Can I feel content and thankful to God in my singleness?
- Am I cynical about relationships with the opposite sex?
- Am I afraid of the possibility of never getting married?
- Is the love of Jesus Christ enough for me?
If your desire for marriage has turned into a demand, find encouragement by meditating on these verses: Philippians 4:6-13; 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below. (The form is under the last comment.)
God do want us to be married as God made Adam and Eve just like that He made us God didnt made five six or more for each its just that God give in our time we have to be patient enough for His right time i was so close to God since childhood and i am i asked God to when my right times You Yourself lead me to him and God did He took me to him in a way i expected our Father want us to call upon Him and tell Him all things and He do answers im a living testimony and i know God will make me wed to him in His right time but right now hes with another girl but its not about having him in my life or anything in my life its happening like hosea i want you all to pray for me may God make me obedient to God its not about this life its all about Eternal life and death so obedience is better then sacrifices
Thank you again Bal. I love when people share what G-d has done in them and through them. It is ALL a gift and He is always Good. Thank you. I really needed to HEAR another believer state the same; which is what I was asking right before you wrote. Praise be to G-d. Blessings to you and yours, Bal.
One more thing. As believers in the Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord showed me something during a quiet time not too long ago. I don’t deserve ANYTHING good – that goes for salvation, healing, having my needs met, deliverance, a blessed marriage. All of the things that I have in my life are a GIFT from Him that I can have and enjoy. So my job, friends, family, ministry, comforts, marriage, sound mind, hot water, nice comfy bed, snuggly feelings, my doggies, peace and overall wellbeing (the list is very long) — none of these things are OWED to me. So if I don’t deserve anything, I can humbly make my petitions known to Him with thanksgiving. So if you desire a godly marriage partner, go ahead and ask the Lord — but you don’t have to ask a hundred times. Have expectation that God will eventually work it out for the overall good, and that He will fully take up your current desire and properly handle it for you if you will only believe and have enough faith, trust, and hope that He will do this for you. It really is that simple.
Thank you Bal! That was stated so beautifully. Thank you so much. Just as I was praying, the Lord used you to remind me. Thank you Lord.
The Word of God has many truth statements that when assimilated provide a good overview concerning marriage & love. The Word of God says….Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. That goes for everyone, whether you are single or married. You must not be unequally yoked. You can serve God together as a couple and be stronger than being by yourself. It is not good for man to be alone. God wants to fulfill the desires of your heart. It is good for a man to have a wife, as it keeps him from lusting. God knows that we are sexual beings…he blessed Adam & Eve and commanded them to increase and multiply. Christ followers should be getting married and bringing godly children into the world. If you desire to be married, you have to bring something to the table. What kind of person are you? Do you exhibit Christlike qualitiest that your future spouse would be attracted to? Are you involved in a fellowship of believers serving and being happy in the Lord? Are you willing to have your parents or your Pastor give you their blessing? Are you willing to wait for God’s choice to come into your life? Are you praying for that person now in faith? Are you waiting exclusively for that person or are you testing the waters with others? Are you chaste and pure? If you desire a marriage partner, pray and believe that person is coming to your life at the perfect time. Watch your words and do not destroy with your words what God is planning and preparing. Be thankful for the person and love them as God would love them.
LOL LOL LOL, GROUP HUG BACK AT YA Amanda,
Nice to have some humour on here, you made me laugh. Hope hubbys greatful ya cooking for him, not every wife does. All the best for ya book, pray that I will complete mines also; then advertise it on here, if it’s as funny as you are, im in.
Nikki, I can not help responding to your messages, but sweetheart, my heart is so touched by your situation. Know that God is big, he can handl your annoyance of him, he understands, You are going to have to either believe what God says or not. I use to think God hated my guts, I lived surrounded by hell, (fear). Satan would just lick me with it and I felt terrified, I don’t even know why it came. I thought it came from God cuz satan tricked me.
I got in to the full gospel of grace and oh my goodness, it healed my body, changed my mind and heart, made me so blissfully happy and contented most of the time that I feel like why get married, could I feel any more happy. Yet I got to realise sweetheart that my thoughts on someone should marry because they need them has changed to want them; cuz I was not feeling the need. A young girl I prayed for at the age of six, died of cancer, she was saved and I had so much faith, but I realised that those that were raising her was so much under the ministry of death, (LAW) well, not so much has AFTER SHE DIED.
You see, someone preached on this and I got delivered because I THOUGHT God had favourites. What happens to someone else, does not have to happen to you, (if thy will); cuz we don’t know what they truly believeD, what they listen too, what they know, how much they trust God. I stopped trusting in prayer for the sick.I trust now. If I ignored the word of God, I still would be in this terrible mind set of unbelief. God is not going to come down and place a bible or turn on God channel or drag us to church or pray, he will encourage us but that is has far as it goes. He is not about force so trust me when I say this. God wanted to save him more than you wanted him saved, it is God’s will, satan wants you to believe it is not God’s will; so now you have a battle, and the battle is in the mind. WHOSE REPORT ARE YOU GOING TO BELIEVE MY SISTER?
IF YOU KNEW HOW MUCH GOD LOVES YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU WOULD FAINT.
Nikki darling, God is not out to get you, neither does he hate you or despise you because Jesus absorbed all of the anger and rath of God that belonged to us. My darling. He died in our place and you have got to get some understanding about the cross, not the wooden beam but the message of the Christ, who we are in Christ and his righteousness. This is important dear. Your husband felt fear, that kind of fear comes from the devil and fear brings with it, torment, according to the word of God. Satan can not touch us, but when things happens, God has nothing to do with it for God said, “no weapon formed against you shall prosper.”
Trust God on this thou, he would have given your husband every opportunity to come near him and to let God intervene because Christ died for him.
Hope you understand.
God bless
Dear Claire Colvin, I believe that many on here who were encouraging Niki, must appreciate the hell of making a decision to end their life. We may not experience like a mother who experience her child that she loves so much being kidnapped, and such stories touches our lives cuz if we have children and love them very much, we normally imagine the worse and can’t beleive how parents hold up under such intense nightmare of never seeing their beautiful child again.I beleive that many wanted to encourage Niki and show her that God has nothing to do with his decision cuz he does not, but he would be there at his darkest momments, encouraging him. I believe that satan overwhelmed him but God is able, if we are willing.
Blessed
Magdelana dear, your comment to Niki was interesting. It is so beautiful to see so many of you all encouraging Niki, thats what makes the world go round but, you Magdelana, gave me food for fought. First off, God would be unjust to intervene in our decisions. He bound himself by his word and I bet that when her dear husband was deciding to do it, God was right there, discouraging him, satan would also be there, to egg him on. There must have been a battle; and unfortunatly, he decided to do it.
God gave the first man dominion over everything and when satan tempted them to sin, that’s when they lost the glory, but God could not have intervened even then, because God owns the world but he gave it to Adam to manage it and in this life, a Manager has the authority to run the business, now, God woud be unjust to enter the world and say, why are you managing the business like that, just like an owner would not do that to a normal manager, God can not either, for God is a Spirit, he could not occupy the world in the way that humans can He built this world for us.However, because God is the Proprietor of planet earth, he can destroy it or intervene to save it when he did with the flood, the people that died in the flood was not fully human so God had to destroy it because satans plan was to corrupt the seed through which Jesus would come. That’s why Jesus came as a man, (son of man) and has God, (son of God), to redeem mankind. But he died fully as a man to redeem us.
This is deep and God will fight for us to live, but the choice is left to us; for God must walk in his integrity. So sorry once again Niki.
I know you may not want to turn to God now, but he is your hope, your rock. Peace and love xxx
Niki,
So sorry you feel the way you do, understandable. When my dad died, for a short time, I felt my Lord betrayed me. I hope you get to the place where you will accept what happend and have a husband better than the first to make up for all the sadness and loss, you are going through. There is one thing you should know, God desires us all to have a long life. He never intended for humans to die. He loves you, weather you love him or not, curse him or bless him. He can’t help himself.
God bless you and I will pray for peace and joy in your life.
Fiona
Nikki Honey, Sinceely dear have never experienced anything like this but as i read through your quote is obvious you are hurting badling and i pray that God being the Balm of Gilliam heals your heal this morning i Love you dear am Praying for you.
Have not being married before but i have friends who are married and i know what it is to lose a loved one, Jesus our great comforter heal Nikki’s heart i know you love her so much.
@Amanda,
Thanks for advise so far, we all need to pray fro Nikki that is what she need most and we need to show her more Love am far away in Nigeria i would have called her senr her text messgae if need be but am far away.
@Claire Colvin. You are also a wonderful person, thanks for all your words of encouragement, please join me as we pray for Nikki if you are close to her please call or send send her text massages she needs all the Love now.
@Nikki. Lord Jesus, Our Comforter, Our Strenght, Our Lord over all Our Best Friend i commit Nikki into your hands comfort her. Sweet holy Spirit she needs your now like never before, Dear Ministring Spirit do minister to her soul she needs you now.
I lost a good friend in child birth. The baby is alive but this mom is dead am trying to encourage the husband and family and also praying for God to send me my Life partner. We all have needs in our lives but am very sure God has all we need and he will not withold anything good from his children.
Am praying for everyone. IT IS WELL
ALL YA’LL – GROUP HUG!
WE ALL HAVE STUFF WE HAVE TO DO SPIRITUAL WARFARE OVER. EVEN WHEN GOD DOES BRING YOU YOUR PERFECT MATE, WHAT IF HE LEAVES HIS UNDIES ON THE FLOOR ALL THE TIME?! YOU DON’T WANT TO BECOME A NAG! YOU DON’T WANT TO TURN INTO HIS MOTHER! BUT YOU DON’T WANT TO STEP ON THEM EITHER… WHAAA!
SERIOUSLY FOLKS, A BIG BREAKTHROUGH IN THE AREA OF MARRIAGE IS JUST AN OPPORTUNITY TO MOVE INTO NEW LEVELS OF CHALLENGES AND APPLY YOUR FAITH IN GOD TO THEM AS WELL. APPLYING YOUR FAITH IN GOD BEFORE YOUR MARRIAGE BREAKTHROUGH IS WHAT LED TO IT AND FUTURE BATTLES MUST BOW TO THE SAME POWER AS WELL! BUT THERE’S ALWAYS A WAITING PERIOD WHERE YOU’VE DONE ALL YOU CAN DO UP TO THAT POINT BUT YOU JUST HAVE TO STAND ON THE WORD.
MY BIGGEST BATTLE RIGHT NOW IS MAKING MYSELF FINISH THIS BOOK!! YA’LL AREN’T HELPING! I FEEL COMPELLED TO ANSWER YOUR POSTS, BUT I NEED TO BE WRITING MY BOOK. IF I DON’T POST FOR AWHILE, DON’T THINK I’M NOT THINKING ABOUT YOU GUYS, I’M JUST THINKING ABOUT THE WIDER AUDIENCE AND GETTING THIS BOOK FINISHED. YA’LL PROBABLY NEED A BREAK FROM ALL MY DEEP POSTS. IT’S A LOT TO DIGEST AND PROCESS, I KNOW THAT. GO FORWARD AND PROSPER!
OOPS, HUBBIE’S HOME, GOTTA GO. HIS SALAD IS READY. HOPE HE DOESN’T THINK IT HAS TOO MUCH CILANTRO. :(
Nikki,
Who can know the mind of God? His reasons are beyond our understanding. He doesn’t interfere with our choices, even if they are bad choices. He does, however help in picking up the pieces and moving on.
It’s so hard when we have Faith, and pray so hard something, and our prayers go unanswered. But the challenge then becomes to keep having faith even when and especially when we don’t understand His ways.
Just pour it all out to God in your heart. My Grandmother used to say, ” give it up to God.” Bring your anger and frustration straight to His Throne, thru Jesus, and be still there in His Presence. Let His understanding of what you are going thru, and His love and grace wash over you, and cleanse you.
Remember, God did not take your husband, your husband took his own life.
I wish I could go back in time and save the man whose soul I loved, or somebody, anybody would’ve, but he took himself out of this world.
Sometimes there are no answers, why?
Sometimes we have to go forward never knowing why something did or didn’t happen. And sometimes, we realize many years later why.
But I think thats where faith comes in. God works all things, all things, not just some things, but all things together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His Purpose.
I have been asking God for a man to marry me for years, I’m 42. He hasn’t given me that. I am a single mother to a wonderful daughter. But God for whatever reason, wanted me to raise her alone. I became pregnant as the result of being raped. And I have begged God to find a man for me. I have had my times of anger at God, but I always find that when I’m done being angry, that God is still there, loving me, and blessing my life in other ways…
At some point, take it all to Jesus. Leave it there, give that burden of anger to Him, and just believe it’ll be ok, and He will take care of you.
God did not interfere with your husbands choice to kill himself. But you have the rest of your life to live. And who knows who you be able to help in the future. Going thru this is developing something within you that God will take and use for good somehow, some day.
Just keep pouring it out to God. He is the great Comforter.
I know God did not cause Michael to take his own life. I know that the Devil had his hooks into him and wouldn’t let go. My husband was going through an agony that I could probably never comprehend and he just couldn’t take it anymore. I have heard it said that God does not put anymore on you than you can bear. If that’s the case, why did He allow this suicide to happen rather than intervene and tell the devil, “Ok! This man has had enough! Its time for you to back off!” That’s what I don’t understand. I am not declaring war against God because obviously I couldn’t win against Him. But I will fight to the death to get my happy back! To get my life back! And to find someone who loved me like Michael did!
I get angry because I feel like God didn’t reach out to my husband during his darkest hour. My husband was hurting and I knew that he was hurting and fearful just a few days before he died. I tried to talk to him. Then I prayed to God. I prayed that he protect us. That he protect our marriage. I just wanted God to protect us because I was fearful that something was about to happen. I just knew God would answer my prayer and protect us. In fact, I was sure that He would. But He didn’t! I guess his answer was “NO”. And I don’t understand it! Why MY husband, God? Why MY husband? Out of all of the husbands in the world, it just had to be MY husband! MY marriage! And yes, I feel like God is out to get me sometimes! I feel like he hates me. And yes, I feel like he does not see fit for me to be happy. Otherwise, He would have answered my prayer. That’s what I’m burning hot mad about!
Amanda, I wasn’t quoting you I was quoting a comment about 11 comments from the top of this page. Ephesians 4:15 commands us to speak the truth in love. As I was reading through the comments on this page I saw a lot more truth than love and that upset me. We’ll have to disagree about whether or not it is ever cruel to speak the truth. I think that there are times when truth is not what is needed in that moment. I know for myself that when my pain is raw and fresh I cannot hear the truth until I hear some comfort first. Pain drowns out everything else.
You said that actions begin with thoughts and I agree with that, but neither you nor I have any idea if Nikki’s husband had any opportunity to address his thinking with the word of God. Were there Christians in his life? I don’t know. Was he healthy enough to be able to hear them if they were there? I cannot answer that either.
The truth is a sword but when dealing with the broken hearted we need to wield that sword like a surgeon’s scalpel being very careful to do no damage in our attempts to help.
To Claire Colvin:
You said, “I think we need to be extremely careful when talking about any situation involving suicide. Saying that, ‘Your husband had his free will and he wasted it,’ is cruel.” You misquoted me. You put my supposed words in quotations as one does when they are quoting someone verbatim, but I challenge you to find that sentence anywhere in my posts.
I did say that we all have free will, and that is not disputable.
Also, before anyone does anything, they THINK about it first. We have authority over our thoughts, according to the Word. The Bible warns us that “As a man thinks in his heart, so IS he.” This can work for us in the positive, and against us in the negative. What we think about is very important, because it turns into what we talk about, which turns into what we do. I totally agree that those who commit such an act are in tremendous emotional pain, but there no doubt were many opportunties to address that pain with the Word before emotions and thoughts became words and actions. It is never cruel to point out the truth, the truth is what can make us free (if we listen to it and understand it with God’s help, that is). Jesus spoke the truth and it made the Pharisees very angry at times.
You quoted a secular therapist who said, “Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.” But the WORD says, “There hath no temptation [trial] taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation [trial] also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” (I Corinthians 10:13)
There are plenty of voices here pouring pity on this woman whose husband committed suicide, and no doubt she has also received lots of sympathy from family and friends in person. But she is obviously lacking in a very basic understanding from the Word about God and His nature and His love toward us and what He would do and what He wouldn’t do. Adding my voice of sympathies will not make as much a difference as speaking the truth about what authority and options and freedoms we have from the Word. That does NOT mean there is anything cruel about what I said. One could even argue that what is cruel is to heap pity and sympathy on someone without pointing them toward the truth at all.
You will recall in Matthew 9:23-25 and Mark 5:40 where the story of Jesus’ miraculous raising from the dead of Jarius’ daughter took place, he commanded the mourners and scoffers to step aside before he did so. That did not mean that Jesus “didn’t care” about the girl, in fact, He was the one who raised her from the dead. He just knew that being surrounded by scoffers and those who were deep in grieving would not enhance the faith-filled atmosphere and would possibly hinder the faith of Jarius and his wife and the 3 disciples Jesus chose to go into the home with him. He wasn’t being cruel.
To Bernadette: You said, “I have been Christian all my life. No need to explain the role of Jesus in our salvation to me, but thanx for sharing anyway :)” Please know that my comments are often meant for a wider audience than just one person. There are many people who read these posts who can benefit from learning the basics. Nikki seems to lack basic Biblical knowledge about the nature and behavior of God, and explaining the basics of The Fall and what Jesus’ blood bought at the cross are key elements into understanding exactly WHY it is impossible that God caused her husband to commit suicide. This should be very comforting for someone to come to understand, rather than the be of the belief that their creator killed their husband. To allow her to continue to think that is cruel.
We obviously are ALL sympathetic and compassionate about what Nikki is going through, and are helping her in the way we feel led of the Lord to help (or at least we should be).
To Nikki: We are all very sorry for your loss, but GOD did not kill your husband. You CAN blame it on personal choice, emotional pain that had been allowed to get out of hand, all the negativity in this man’s life that led to his decision, and ultimately The Fall of Man, which introduced everything we see that is negative into the world in the first place, which was precipitated by the deceit by Satan of Adam & Eve. Deceit is very dangerous indeed, and I didn’t want you to continue to be deceived about who is or is NOT responsible for your husband’s suicide. Again, I and everyone else here, are very saddened by your loss, but many of us believe you CAN have a better future, but first you will need to stop blaming God and start going TO Him and His Word for comfort and help.
I think we need to be extremely careful when talking about any situation involving suicide. Saying that, “Your husband had his free will and he wasted it.” is cruel. I’m sure it wasn’t meant to be, but saying something like that makes it sound like the person who committed suicide just threw their life away as if it was garbage. Suicide doesn’t work that way.
If you’ve never experienced any of the conditions or circumstances that would lead a person to seriously consider suicide then it’s hard to imagine the depth of hurt that comes with it. Suicide is not a casual decision, a cop out or giving in. “Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.” (Source) Anyone who commits suicide does so in the midst of unbearable agony. It’s important to remember that.
Nikki, I cannot imagine what you are going through. I keep sitting here trying to think of what to say to you other than to say that I am so very sorry for your loss. I do not know where the edges of grace and free will and sovereignty meet. I know that we live in a broken world, a world that is not the way it was supposed to be. I know that God is still God when awful things happen. You sound like you’re waging war on God. How will you know if you win?
Are you seeing a counsellor? I would highly recommend it. You have a lot to process and work through and it’s incredibly hard to do that alone. A counsellor can give you a very safe place to work through the very messy business of grieving.
I believe that God loves you very much and that this awful thing was not a punishment brought against you. It says in the Bible that God is “close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18) I pray that in time you would experience that.
My response to Nikki is the same.
God understands our anger in times of great suffering. Jesus felt the same emotions we feel. And His Compassion is unsurpassed.
As I haven’t read any of the posts from here for awhile, I felt guided to click on the latest one, which was from Nikki. As I have been going thru a similar grieving process, my job was to offer her compassion and hope.
I have been Christian all my life. No need to explain the role of Jesus in our salvation to me, but thanx for sharing anyway :)
If this girl, Nikki needs some consolation, and looked here to find it, then I hope I might have helped her.
I’ve been thru enough in life to know without a doubt that God’s Love for us is greater than any anger we could feel towards Him. He knows that our anger passes, and He is always still there to accept us back, with wide open loving arms.
A dissertation on satan and the fall I believe is irrelevant in this instance. Nikki needs prayers and courage and love. I pray for that for her.
God bless you, girl, and just remember, “this, too, shall pass”. It’ll be ok. And you are 100% in my thoughts and prayers. I understand what you are going thru. I feel for you and your loss.
“God’s Hand is not shortened that it cannot save.”
My heart goes out to you Nikki.
To Bernadette:
When Jesus cried out to God in his darkest moment, that was a unique circumstance never to be repeated in history. And the cause of that circumstance was that God HAD to momentarily turn away from His son as Jesus BECAME sin in that moment (so that we might BECAME the righteousness of God).
And the PURPOSE of Jesus’ death was for Him to “will” to us (like when someone dies and puts you in their will) all that He had available to Him, so that, going forward, we could begin to experience the UNDO-ing of all that The Fall brought upon mankind (as we each individually accept Christ). So that all the things that fell under The Curse (from The Fall), such as Death (spiritually, bodily, emotionally, mentally, and in terms of our free will acts), would have no power over us and that we could now walk in The Blessing (which contains everything pertaining to Life). But it requires operation of our free will acts to walk in all that was made available to us at the cross so that we can walk in The Blessing, such as studying the Word so we can see all that comes under the heading of The Blessing in order to lay hold of it by faith, so that we can recognize what came under The Curse so that we can see that we no longer have to accept and receive any of those things, and to learn how to operate in faith (seed, time and harvest) so that we can move our “mountains” in life and truly be of help to others who are suffering, and to become overcomers in this life (not just when we die and go to Heaven). Salvation is a multi-faceted thing. Most churches in the past have only taught one facet of salvation: the salvation of the spirit instantly which allows us to go to Heaven when we die. But Salvation was also unto our bodies (such that when we die we will, like Christ, be resurrected to our eternal Heavenly body like Christ was — He was the firstborn of many brethren), and in terms of the availability of miraculous healing and even walking in divine health (making miracles of healing less necessary in the first place). And Salvation was also unto our Souls. Our Soul consists of our Mind, our Emotions, and our Free Will (acts/decisions). Our Soul also experienced the AVAILABILITY of Salvation in that (with study and application of the Word in our lives as our own free will ongoing act), we can work out our salvation with “fear and trembling” (i.e., respect toward God’s Word), which is an ongoing work as we move from glory to glory and grow in grace which is our life’s homework until we go home to be wtih the Lord, and will manifest itself at varying levels of success in different Christians depending on the free will effort we put into studying and applying God’s Word to our lives.
So, just as The Fall affected our Spirit, Soul and Body, so did Salvation UNDO the damage to our Spirit (instantaneously), Soul (ongoing process throughout lifetime based on our application of the Word by an act of our free will) and Body (the promise of resurrection to our perfect eternal bodies upon death or the Rapture as the case may be, as well as the availability of divine health and healing). Therefore, to teach in church that Salvation was ONLY about going to Heaven is missing A LOT and leads to many Christians, although being Heaven-bound, having a severe lack of victory and overcoming and prosperity in the Earth until then, which is NOT a good witness to the world, who sees that and wonders why they should bother getting saved (because unsaved people usually only think about the short term as a rule). So when Jesus said, “It is finished,” He meant that everything that Satan screwed up for mankind is now fixed and gifted back to “whosoever will” receive Christ. But a gift must be actively received, thus we are required to receive Christ and His sacrifice, not just admit God exists. Just as Adam & Eve, as an act of their free will actively took a step AWAY from God in the Garden, we must, as an act of our free will actively take a step TOWARD God by receiving the gift of salvation made available through Christ’s sacrifice. When we do that, the effects of The Fall and The Curse fall away with regard to our Spirit, Soul and Body in varying stages of time, but the effects of The Fall and The Curse remain on OTHER PEOPLE who are in our midst that have NOT accepted Christ. And as long as we live on this fallen planet, we will be among those who are still living under The Curse and the effects of The Fall and who are under the dominion of Satan and who do not have authority over Satan and who are not victorious in this life and who are not overcomers, so there will always be problems and issues around us, but it does not have to affect us like it does them if we are saved (and continue to abide in God’s Word and study it and apply it and grow from glory to glory and not say at the same level all the time like “babes in Christ”). And, as Christians, even if the worst possible thing happens and we die, then death has no sting (we don’t experience the Second Death – i.e. Hell), and we just go to be with the Lord!
So rather than live our life solely focused on that one unique moment in history when Christ cried out to God “why hast thou forsaken me,” we should live our life focused on all that that moment purchased us with His precious blood, and get into the Word and study to find out all that was made available to us so that we might live the victorious and overcoming life that Christ wanted us to have.
To Magdalana: God gave us each free will and He will not overstep that. If God overstepped free will, He would become a liar. Therefore, as a “gentleman,” God will not intervene where He has not been welcomed or asked. If someone has erroneous thinking and that erroneous thinking has caused them to decide to commit suicide, and they have not asked God to intervene, He does not have the authority to do so. He has already given that authority to mankind and will not take it back and change His mind. God gave us authority over Satan, and access to the Holy Spirit, and His Word (which we must study in order to fully understand and then partake of all that is available to us as a result of the cross), but if we don’t UTILIZE all that God gave us, He will not step in and save us from the results of our exercise of our free will (even if done in ignorance).
“MY GOD, MY GOD! WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME??!”…~ JESUS
Do I detect a hint of anger and confusion in the words of the Son of God in His darkest hour?
Just sayin…
To Amanda,
Maybe Nikki is angry with God for allowing herM husband to commit suicide. Perhaps she thought God should have intervened. I don’t know.
There are many circumstances where I wish God had intervened. He didn’t. I don’t know why.
God is not schizzophrenic: He doesn’t cause death and destruction and on the other hand give us love and compassion and strength (to endure the things He supposedly caused). What would become of an Earthly parent who hurt their children, then hugged them out of compassion? They would be prosecuted for child abuse. The Bible tells us that God the Father is far superior in His love toward us than any Earthly father.
If God causes negative events, then what is Satan’s “job”? The Bible makes it clear in John 10:10: “The thief [i.e., Satan] cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” IOW, Satan’s only focus is to do us harm — he comes ONLY to kill, steal and destroy. Anything negative and pertaining to Death (anything killed, stolen or destroyed in our lives), which entered the Earth through Satan at the Fall, comes from the thief/Satan. And anything positive and relating to Life comes from God. That makes it real simple to nail down where anything comes from.
Anything negative is usually the direct result of a Satanic attack, or is the result of our own lack of knowledge or ignorance about something we needed to know, or is the result of poor decisions on our part (or someone else’s part). Natural disasters are not God’s fault, and are not any person’s fault, but they are the result of the effect that The Fall had on this physical Earth. Yes, the Earth itself as a planet suffered from The Fall and the Bible says it yearns for the return of Christ. All negativity ULTIMATELY came from The Fall, for which Satan was responsible for inciting. So even when something was done due to our own fault or stupidity or someone else’s fault or stupidity, ULTIMATELY that poor decision was based on wrong information, which ULTIMATELY came from The Fall/Satan (not God). Before The Fall, there was no Death in the Garden. Adam and Eve were on target to live forever in the bodies given them by God. Yet, after the Fall, Death entered their Spirits and eventually had its effect on their BODIES wherein they were subject to sickness, disease and death. The folks in the Old Testament times lived for hundreds and hundreds of years. Lifespans got shorter and shorter over the eons. That is why: their bodies were designed to live forever, so even after the Fall it took a long time for their lifespans to get shorter and shorter. Of course, in recent history, our lifespans have INCREASED a tiny bit (relatively), due to medical advances through the grace of God. But The Fall is where Death entered the scene. Death is a heading under which a lot of things fall: sickness, disease, negative events, negative emotions, negative thinking. All these things come under the heading of Death because they all entered the Earth after the Fall and they all will eventually lead to physical death it taken to their ultimate degree.
However, at the cross Jesus did away with Death for those who accept Christ. Oh Death where is they sting? Once saved, even physical death no longer can keep us from Heaven or God when we die. Even negative events cannot take away our faith or joy or relationship with God, and God can often turn negative events into positive ones, for Christians. Those who are taken up in the Rapture won’t even experience PHYSICAL death. However, until then, we are all subject to physical death, but that doesn’t mean we won’t be with God in eternity (if we are saved).
At the cross, Death was handled in stages: one immediate, one ongoing, and the last after the Second Coming. The issue of spiritual death is INSTANTLY fixed upon one’s salvation. The issue of soulish (mind, emotions, free will) “death/negativity,” upon salvation, is ongoing depending on our diligence in seeking God’s Word, as we must each grow in the grace and admonition of the Lord throughout our lives on Earth which is working out our salvation with respect toward God’s Word, which is our lifetime “homework.” The issue of physical death will be resolved at the Second Coming of Christ when saved persons will receive their REGENERATED ETERNAL body (which will be like the bodies Adam and Eve had before The Fall). Basically, God is undoing all of SATAN’S handiwork step by step. When Adam & Eve fell, they fell Spiritually, in their Souls (minds, emotions, free will), and physically. They fell Spiritually INSTANTLY. They fell Soulishly on an ongoing basis over time. The fell Physically as the death in their Spirits permeated their bodies and took its toll.
Therefore, being angry at God for anything negative shows a lack of knowledge about who God is and what He does (and does NOT do). Hosea 4:6: “MY people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.” Notice it says “MY” people. Those who are NOT God’s people are destroyed ALREADY. God’s people only get destroyed when they operate in a lack of knowledge. There is definitely a lack of key information and/or an unwillingness to utilize it when someone is suicidal. And there is likewise a lack of knowledge at work when their loved ones who remain get angry at God.
God certainly understands that ignorance and where it comes from (The Fall/Satan), and He certainly forgives us for our negative emotions, but He is NOT responsible for negative things in our lives and being angry at God erroneously is not going to give us any traction toward improvement in our lives.
Still, for the Christian, God can take the broken pieces left after anything negative has happened to us and turn it INTO something good. However, I believe it is more likely that negatives will become positives if we have correct knowledge about who God is and what His goals are and what He is (and is NOT) responsible for in our lives, trust in Him and His goodness toward us and have faith in His willingness and ability to act on our behalf.
Wallowing around in one’s (erroneous) anger at God is UNDERSTANDABLE to those who do not know the Word very well (from an emotional perspective), but it does nothing to hasten emotional healing or improvements in one’s life circumstances, or in setting the stage to allow God to work out good things in one’s life.
The first step toward emotional healing will have to be getting an accurate understanding of what God is responsible for and what He isn’t responsible for. Otherwise, if we erroneously think God was responsible for a bad event, then how can we logically go to Him for emotional healing? How can we go to Him with our requests in prayer? How can we believe he will bring us the answers to our prayers if we think he is our enemy. The Bible is very clear who our enemy is and it’s NOT God.
Satan is called the father of lies. Satan’s favorite thing to do is hurt us then get us to blame God for his own handiwork! He wants to divide us from the source of Life and help, through making us ignorant. Satan is not on the sidelines playing tiddliwinks while God is doing all the bad stuff and all the good stuff simultaneously.
To Nikki,
You have a fighting spirit. That shows you want to live and you have great hope that you’ll be happy again. I personally think that you’ll be happy again and a good man will find you and marry you. This time it will last.
Don’t fight God, though. It’s like a flea trying to fight a mountain. Fight for your life, to survive this and make your life 10 times better.
I think it’s normal to be angry with God about this. Use the anger to talk to Him, even AT Him if needed. He knows how you feel anyway. Let Him guide you through this ordeal and bring you out on top.
Nikki,
I meant compassion, not compression …I’m typing on my phone :)
Love to you!!
Halla,
For Nikki,
imho, it’s perfectly fine to be angry at God during this kind of grieving process. David wasn’t one to hold back on emotions. He was real and honest in how he felt about God at any given time. I find a lot of solace in the Psalms, Nikki.
It’s ok to be angry at God! I think He can handle it, and understand. And the outcome for Nikkk will be increased compression. And so much more!
Get mad all you want, Nikki!! You have every reason to be angry! I don’t know how long ago this happened, but God is looking out for you. I feel that, thru my dealing with the suicide of someone whose soul I will always love on such a deep level, that I have pulled away from God a bit. But I feel Him there, as I slowly turn towards Him more and more. He gets it. Just because you hate God right now, doesn’t mean that He hates you!!
It’ll be ok, Nikki. I really think that it’s ok for you to be angry at God. His Heart is big enough, and has bren around long enough to know exactly what you are going thru. And I believe that He will be there, ready for you when you are ready to turn back to Him.
At least you are talking to God, telling Him how angry you are! ….thats part of having a relationship with Him, and thats what God wants the most.
I am so praying for you, Nikki!!
<3
Bernadette
Nikki, I’m so sorry that had happened to you. But don’t fight the Lord. Your husband was the one who took his life away, not God. Your husband had his free will and he wasted it. Instead of filling your heart with bitterness and anger, I hope you can fill it with Lord’s love for you. I know that it sounds pretty hard at this point, but I pray that you can become stronger and victorious through this. Please don’t be mad at God. You will find happiness again someday. There are so many people in this world who lost their beloved ones through many unfortunate events as well, but there are many who decide to brush off the dust and start walking again. Let God be the one to heal you, so don’t make it any harder on yourself by hating Him. It won’t be a good outcome.
Again, I’m so sorry… *hug*
Nikki,
I haven’t been following this or reading the messages from here lately….then I just opened this one up.
Suicide is so hard for those left behind.
Someone I loved dearly took his own life, he hanged himself, leaving two teenagers behind, plus all those who cared for him as friends, family, everyone his life had touched, his suicide baffled, angered, devastated, and just tore everyone up on deep levels. My one friend posted something on her fb about Why does God take the good ones? I was struck with the feeling that God did not take this man out of all of our lives, HE MADE THAT CHOICE, HE TOOK HIMSELF OUT OF THIS WORLD. For whatever his deep inner turmoil that he felt he couldn’t go on any longer, he decided to leave. God did not take him.
It must be so hard on you to lose your husband only two weeks after you were married. How very tragic and I’m so sorry that too are left to pick up the pieces. Check out Elizabeth Keubler Ross. She did extensive research on death and dying. She came up with the five stages of grief. If I remember right, they are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Acceptance, and there is one more that I forget, sorry. People transition thru these stages, back and forth, it doesn’t go in a straight line or anything. I’m still in denial in a lot of ways.
I just want to say that anger is completely normal, it’s part of the grieving process, and it takes different people different amounts of time to grieve, and go easy on yourself. Sadly, there are so many people who commit suicide…God understands how you feel, and is there for you, and His Arms will still be open to you, when you are ready to turn to Him. He has unlimited patience with us, thankfully.
But it’s still hard….. I’m a nurse, and I had a patient yesterday who attempted suicide, I was so affected by this man, because of the grieving process I’m going thru. I talked to him a lot. And then I went out to my car at lunch, and I cried…for the man I cared about, and will always love his soul, I kept thinking of him.
You are young, thats great, you will get thru this. What you come out with will only make you a more compassionate, deeper person. And you can marry again. It’s ok to be angry. Find a support group of some sort if you can.
You will be ok. I will keep you in my prayers, you are going to be ok. God does love you. God did not take your husband, your husband took his own life. Just go thru it, knowing that angels are watching over you, and God will listen to your anger, and has the Immense Heart to love you even stronger than your anger. God bless you, Nikki!
I am praying for you. Turn to God, with all of it, He knows because sadly, He has heard this before. He is so especially caring towards what you feel. Please take care of yourself.
Bernadette
I am still angry over my husbands suicide. I am tired of crying and being alone, God! Now I am ready to FIGHT! You took away a man who loved me unconditionally, who would have taken care of me and been a great provider, You took him two weeks after we got married and I’m mad at you. Now I will FIGHT to the death to get my life back! Yeah I know you never change and you are a selfish God! But Keep one thing in mind! I am still young and I can and I WILL find another husband who will be good to me! You can take that to the bank! You’ve unleashed a monster!
Richelle – agreed – respect
Dear Richelle: I agree with you. I believe God designed us to want human companionship. Only a small percentage of people are designed for singleness. If you are desiring a mate, then you aren’t in that category.
Although the word “matchmaker” doesn’t appear in scripture, there are plenty of scriptures that speak to the fact that God will give us the desires of our heart and that we can “move mountains” (even mountains of loneliness) with faith. Many general scriptures can be applied to different situations. (Just as the word “Rapture” doesn’t appear in scripture, the CONCEPT of the rapture IS in scripture.)
So if it is the desire of your heart to have a marriage to a man that fulfills your “list” of wants: attractive (in YOUR eyes based on YOUR tastes — he doesn’t have to appeal to every woman out there), sexually compatible with you(and we are all different and only God knows who will be compatible with who — we needn’t waste our lives in sin sleeping with everything that moves to create a process of elimination), financially able to take care of you or at least carry his part, similar value set, obviously also a Christian (and hopefully on your LEVEL of Christian growth), similar background history, many of the same likes and interests, similar sense of humor, etc., then God can give us the desires of our heart. That scripture does not EXCLUDE a marital match, so that means it can INCLUDE it.
So keep trusting and believing, and be sure you actually officially ASKED God to give you His choice for your perfect mate, and do your spiritual due diligence and warfare, and stand after having done all to stand, and be patient, and remain celibate (or become celibate as the case may be), and be discerning of fakes, substitutes, imposters and Ishmaels, and praise God and DANCE in your livingroom in advance (for we always receive in the intangible before it shows up in the tangible — so praise Him about the fact you have ALREADY RECEIVED your request in the INtangible NOW), and do all the practical things to GET YOURSELF READY.
IOW, what do you want your future mate’s first impression to be when he see’s you? Is there anything you can improve while you are waiting anyway? Improve health, eating habits, join a gym, start a walking program, go gluten-free, get tested for food allergies, get teeth fixed/whitened, get a photo facial (THOSE ARE FANTASTIC), take care of minor medical issues, upgrade your wardrobe, organize your house and your life, simplify and streamline your life? You never know, when you meet The One it may require a move to a different city or state and you want your personal items to be in order to make a move simpler and more efficient. THAT won’t be the time to start pouring through old photos and trinkets and the junk closet and the junk drawer and old paperwork, etc. There is plenty for US to do while we wait for God to do His part. Forty is YOUNG! Haven’t you heard? Forty is the new twenty?!
God bless and GET READY!
Richelle, I think that the need for relationship will always be important, both to God and to us. God as the trinity has relationship at the very core of His being. God cannot be God without being in relationship, and I think it follows that humans, made in His image, cannot be fully human outside of community either. Before we go any further notice that word – community. Community does not necessarily mean married. The pastor at my church often says that “you can’t be human alone”. We need people – to encourage us, to share our stories, to help us see our own faults, to cry for and with us. When you’re married that community is right there in front of you – sometimes wonderful, sometimes challenging – and we have to work on it because it’s quite literally sitting in the living room. When that marriage relationship isn’t there we have to work a little harder to find community.
That desire for togetherness does not go away easily – and when it does what it leaves behind is often very unhealthy. It’s hard work to put yourself out there and join a new church, start volunteering or start a new activity. It’s not dating, but it feels like dating – all the nerves of “will they like me?” But it’s worth the effort. You can already see that it’s going to be different when your daughter grows up, so I’d encourage you to start building that other community now. You know how they say that it’s always easier to look for a job when you already have one? The same is true here. Take those fledgeling steps now when you have the safety of knowing that it doesn’t need to work right away. You have time, so use that time.
We can survive alone, but we thrive in the presence of others. Find people who are like you and people who aren’t like you at all and make a community. Everyone benefits.
I find myself torn on this subject. As I near 40 and watch my daughter grow up, I know that she will one day leave home and begin her own life. They idea of coming home and not having another human being to come home to, or share in my joys and obstacles seems so isolated. It is a blessing to work at your relationship and mature throught it, but it takes two people to decide that this is what they are going to do. Unfortunately, this is usually not the case. One person may be willing, the other may not.
Knowing that is it not good for man to be alone, it is hard to understand how Adam could have fellowshipped with God everyday, as I try to do, and walk with God and it was still not good for him to be alone.
It seems that we try to tell people that it is good to be alone, but it doesnt seem to make sense to me. Hope deferred does indeed make the heart sick. Does being lonely automatically mean you are not seeking God or continueing the lifelong project of building a relationship with Him? I think not. Now, I have never seen verses saying that He was a match maker, the closest is the story of Issac. But we are not procreating for the Messiah, so maybe it isnt as important anymore.
We must always seek to have a close intimate relationship with God, but Im not sure that it will cure the desire for the human companionship we were all built for.
Dear mmbkey:
You said, “What perturbs me is that I see many Christians just pray, sit and wait on God to send someone instead of spending time in His word to see examples of what are good choices and what are not and then taking responsibility for making those choices.”
I don’t think Christians must choose between praying and having faith that God will bring them the best possible mate OR spending time in His Word — I believe people should do BOTH. It will be absolutely necessary to spend time in the Word in order to develop their faith (faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God).
People who married before becoming Christians, or people who were Christians but married before thinking about asking God to bring them the best mate, should of course stay married (unless, of course, there is abuse and/or danger in the relationship of physical harm, etc.).
You asked, “However, if indeed you chose not to marry the person you did, would it not then be inferred that your potential choice to not marry them would have endangered the plan God made for your husband’s life as your God designed spouse?” I think it’s a lot like predestination regarding salvation: God knows what choices we will make even before we are born. He knows which people will be saved; I think He knows which people will decide to ask Him to direct their steps in terms of marriage. Similarly with predestination regarding salvation, the question of whether or not any of us had decided NOT to receive Christ would it have endangered God’s plan for our lives, is sort of moot because God knew before we were born whether we would receive Christ and on what day and at which hour we were to do so, yet there still seemed to be room for our free will to operate regarding salvation. Predestination is very complicated for that reason and few Christians fully grasp it. How can God already know what we are going to decide and have a plan for our lives, yet we still are able to make a free will choice on the matter? It’s kind of like God exists outside of or has dominion over TIME but we only operate within the confines of time. Therefore it’s as if He’s already seen the movie and then He goes back and watches it unfold in real time. That’s one way I think about predestination when it comes to salvation, and possibly marriage.
I’d like to interject here a comment I meant to make regarding your first post where you mentioned some Christians think God “micromanages” the details of our life. To me, the term “micromanage” I associate with a bad boss who sticks his nose where it isn’t wanted or needed against the wishes of their subordinate. But when a Christian ASKS God to intervene in this very important life step, it is by invitation of that person.
I do not intend to use the term “soulmate” in my ebook at all, unless it is to define it as it is thought of in today’s culture for clarity as a means to differentiate it from the phenomenon I am describing when it comes to us allowing God to choose our mate. If I used it within some of my comments on my YouTube page, it was mostly for convenience or brevity, but I share your concern about “the subtle integration in to Christian belief of the ‘soul mate’ concept when it comes to ministering to our college age graded members.” Therefore, I already am using instead the phrase “perfect mate from God” or similar wording in my ebook that I am currently finishing writing. I’m not sure if the concept of “The One” necessarily is the same as the Greek mythological concept about “soulmates,” however. When I refer to “The One,” I am referring to the perfect mate for you from God whereby you are also the perfect mate for THEM from God and within God’s perfect timing which only manifests AFTER we have ASKED God to intervene in the matter (yet, due to predestination, God KNEW we WOULD ask for His divine intervention before we were born).
I also intend to refer to scripture and Biblical concepts when discussing the idea of asking God to be our heavenly Matchmaker in my ebook. In fact, I intend to use scripture and refer to Biblical concepts throughout my ebook in many parts. The book with START with my and my husbands’ individual background stories which already had a lot of “coincidental” elements laying in wait to be discovered upon our meeting, and how God brought us together in an extremely intricate way that had absolutely nothing to do with any purposeful or direct effort on either of our parts (therefore neither of us puts a lot of stock in using one’s own wits or effort in terms of a God-created marital connection).
Then I will discuss how others can align themselves best to be in cooperation with God through faith for Him to do a similar work in their lives. I certainly do not think that we have no role but to sit and wait and do nothing like a lizard on a rock. I will describe the things that do constitute “our part.” We certainly have to ASK, then there is faith to be exercised, there is spiritual warfare to be used, there is standing on the Word and exercising patience, there is avoiding common pitfalls like falling for an imposter or creating one’s own “Ismael,” there are practical self-preparedness steps of faith that we can partake in while God is doing “His part.”
I will try in my book to describe the complex, layered and peppered-with-’coincidence’ story of how God brought us together in 2001. Many of the “coincidences” surrounding our meeting and marriage related back to events that occurred before either of us were born as well as during our childhood years, showing us both that God had this planned from before either of us were even born. This goes back to that predestination thing, and God knowing in advance that each of us were going to reach a point where we individually asked Him to direct our paths with regard to our mate.
This book will be directed to Christians, especially those who have not yet been married, or who are currently legally unmarried. Although there will undoubtedly be non-Christians who read the book because they desire a mate and are curious about the concepts in my book, my book will be directed to Christians who have a basic understanding of the Word. It will not be my intention to spend many words describing the basics of salvation, etc. There are plenty of books about that. Yet, there will probably be some folks who start out as non-believers but who, out of a strong desire to see God act in this area of their lives, read the concepts in the book and decide to accept Christ AND ask for God’s intervention in finding their perfect mate and receive both Christ and their perfect mate while their perfect mate also receives Christ in the process. But mainly I will attempt to minister to Christians who have some basic knowledge of Biblical concepts already, but who have fallen victim to worldly and culturally common methods of dating and marriage with poor results, and who have not realized that, so far, they haven’t actually allowed God into this compartment of their lives, so that they can make a conscious decision to do so and finally ALLOW God to act on their behalf in this area.
With regard to your concern that, “All to (sic) often, unrealistic expectations are created that can set up our young people for failure or send them in a direction that gets them angry with God for not acting in their behalf,” I do not believe it is EVER unrealistic to trust God. There are many examples in both the Old and New Testaments, as well as in the lives of millions of Christians since those books were written, where faith in God was well placed despite what others may have thought was not “realistic,” “reasonable,” or “logical.”
It is, however, very likely that young people today will become disappointed and harmed by operating in worldly and culturally-popular methods of dating and marriage. I hope to prevent a lot of heartache and detours in these young peoples’ lives.
Amanda,
I understand that you feel God’s direct involvement in your choice of whom to marry.
However, if indeed you chose not to marry the person you did, would it not then be inferred that your potential choice to not marry them would have endangered the plan God made for your husband’s life as your God designed spouse? That puts you in an awfully powerful position, almost at God’s level. It essentialy puts God back at the point of starting over because of the incorrect choice and redoing the plan for the supposed spouse He originally ‘chose’.
Now I am so encouraged that you are seeking to follow God’s principles in your marriage. After all, the Designers approach to marriage will be the most successful.
I would also like to mention that a few years ago I would likely have agreed with you. I have been married 21 years to a wonderful woman. We are still even in the saem Church we married in. God has helped us get through many things through the years. I used to feel that he made it happen despite my choices. I came to realize that He did not make the choice for me but he agreed to come along side us when we entered into the covenant of marriage (which I believe to have 3 members, God, my wife and myself) to guide us through our life together through His holy spirit. It was not the hyper spritiually romanticized thing I originally thought is was. We came to realize it was simple, plain and quite loving on a very real and honest level.
Now I am not ‘perturbed’ that Christians put God in the decision making process. What perturbs me is that I see many Christians just pray, sit and wait on God to send someone instead of spending time in His word to see examples of what are good choices and what are not and then taking responsibility for making those choices. He has time and time again instructed individuals to go and seek an appropriate spouse or a spouse for a relative (mostly in the old testament) but not there is one scriptural example of one selected by name as “The One”.
There are many new Christians that were married before conversion that can take heart that they did not screw up God’s plan by getting married and not seeking “The One” at the time of the decision. By recognizing Him now, they can indeed have a Godly marriage by making the right choices for the right reasons and on the same page (preferably a page in scripture). Those that are still seeking that they can take heart that they have options to be single or married and scripture that covers both options and indeed some scripture that recommends you get married if you can’t handle being single (1 Corinthians 7:6-9). And again, Paul never once brings up seeking “The one” yet he has written the most on this subject in the New Testament.
On a side note: interestingly enough, some of the thinking behind “The One” or the concept of the ‘soul mate’ comes from Greek mythology. The story goes that Zeus created humans with two heads four arms and four legs. He witnessed how powerful the created beings were and grew concerned. He made the decision to divide them in half down to the soul and scattered them across the world left to spend their live seeking their one and only ‘soul mate’. Now I am not inferring that you, Amanda, are subscribing to this literally. What does concern me is the subtle integration in to Christian belief of the ‘soul mate’ concept when it comes to ministering to our college age graded members. All to often, unrealistic expectations are created that can set up our young people for failure or send them in a direction that gets them angry with God for not acting in their behalf. When it comes to how we make decisions, we do well with finding a scriptural example (there are many), praying about that decision and then going ahead with it. The closer our walk with God, the better off we are in the process of implementing that decision and, yes, God gets the glory because He gave us the means to do so.
Dear mmbkey:
In my view, it’s not that we expect God to “micromanage” our lives down to the most minute detail, it’s that when it comes to our lifelong covenant with our future mate, some of us CHOOSE to give the directing of the show to God in order to see who He would choose for us. It’s not that as Christians filled with the Holy Spirit we are incapable of finding an appropriate choice for a mate; it’s just that we want to see God’s best and God’s highest choice for us as our holy Matchmaker. He certainly gives us the option of using our brains, wisdom, past experience, and the leadings of the Holy Spirit to make a wise choice in a mate.
But some people have caught on to the exciting possibilities that can await us if we hand this particular issue over to God (even though we certainly have the freedom from God to make our own wise choice if we so desire). It is very exciting to decidedly and specifically hand this issue to God to see who HE would point us to — and He is happy to oblige. Even when God does bring The One into our path, we STILL use our brains and the guidance of the Holy Spirit to perceive and discern whether this indeed is The One God would suggest we marry, and even if we do marry that person, we will continue to use our brains, wisdom, guidance of the Holy Spirit and all that God gave us to make the most of what God has brought us.
It has nothing to do with Calvanism or any concept that we have nothing good in us, for indeed, as saved persons in Christ we are the righteousness of God.
The scripture that “He who FINDS a wife/husband finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD,” does not dispense of the potential to allow God to be our Matchmaker, for God can (if we ask Him to) put The One in front of us to “find.”
It shouldn’t perterb you so much that some Christians choose to put this specific issue in God’s hand if they choose to do so. If you do not want to operate that way in your relationship with God, you have that freedom. I believe God does care about the details of our lives, as the Word says he knows how many hairs we have on or heads. It just depends on each Christian how many details they want to allow God to be involved in their lives. Some Christians just want God to remain a Big Picture God and that’s the way they are most comfortable breaking down their functions versus God’s. And I believe God knows each of us and (every detail of) our personalities and gets involved — or stays out of the details in our lives — according to how He perceives each of us WANTS Him to. I’ve heard of people asking for direction about finding something like a parking space, and experiencing God coming through on something that small. It’s not as if “God is busy” and we are “bothering Him” if we should choose to have Him operate in that level of detailed involvement in our lives. God is not limited in His abilties or resources.
Still, even a “Big Picture God” Christian may still choose to have God call the shots when it comes to this particular area: our lifelong covenant commitment in marriage to another Christian. That’s actually not a very tiny detail, and it affects our lives in a big way for the rest of our lives, and even affects others’ lives.
In my case, I decided I wanted God specifically involved in bringing me the perfect mate of His choice (I still had the ultimate choice even when presented with The One), and He came through! Boy — did He come through! So I actually experienced it 10 years ago, so I can’t agree with you that God is not concerned with such “details.”
Many Christians as of late seem to think that God’s sovereignty means He micromanages our lives like some sort of supernatural Chess player. Yes He did create all things, set them into motion and yes there are examples of directly using people to fulfill His purpose. However, His purpose is not to ensure that we are happy. It seems the height of narcissism to think that in order to ensure my personal happiness that God is making one specific person out there that has a responsibility to make another person satisfied in marriage. In fact there is NO scriptural evidence that God has specifically picked anyone’s spouse other than Eve for Adam. Gomer is not a good example because God instructed Hosea to marry ‘a prostitute’, not to marry Gomer. What God does provide is the Holy spirit to direct us to a spiritually suitable person, should we listen to it, or to a potentially wrong person should we not listen to it. To say that that God’s sovereignty is what makes the choice with respect to marriage can then be extrapolated to all things. You could even make the argument that God chose the size, type and brand of caffeinated drink you picked up on the way to work because he did put in to motion all things that made the end product possible and He did know what you would end up drinking. This is pure silliness. It takes away the responsibility and accountability for our choices. I can only surmise that this sort of thinking seems to stem from the Calvinistic approach to “total depravity” with respect to who we are to God. That it is not possible that there is anything in us that is good or that can make a correct, holy spirit guided choice. God gave you a brain to think, did he not? God does not create mindless automatons to worship Him. He created us to Love him back and He is jealous of that affection, i.e. “You shall not make for yourself an idol, or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth. You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God”. Genuine love is not forced, it is a decision and God wants us to decide to love Him (the greatest commandment) and to love others as He describes in His word. So I know we are off into other areas but they are related. Yes God knows what we will do, both right and wrong, getting married or not, but we do have the responsibility to make the correct choices using His guidance. If there is no choice in the matter then effectively all of scripture that instructs us how to make these choices is pointless and without meaning if when it comes down to it. This in NO WAY goes against God’s sovereignty because He did provide EVERYTHING before us and especially the Holy Spirit to those that have come to Christ so that the choices are good ones and in a way shows our love for Him. A good way to end this on the specific subject might be to echo Proverbs 18:22 “He who FINDS a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.” albeit ‘She’ and ‘husband’ being interchangeable with ‘He and ‘wife’. My God be with you all and guide you in His ways.
Robertb, Christiancafe is a good site to meet people and many people these days are in fact meeting their future spouses on different internet sites. They are a great place to meet people with similar values and interests.
But in the end, Tunja made an excellent point. We should all put more effort into our relationship with God and focusing on Him than we do on trying to find the perfect person for us.
Yes, as you said Natasha, we can and should pray for our future spouse, but God knows the when and the who. And when He is the matchmaker it comes to pass. I have so many friends who did just that, kept their eyes on their relationship with God and trusted Him for their future spouse, and it is so rewarding to see what a great job God did at bringing them and their spouses together. But there is a waiting involved, and we need to ensure that the waiting times in our lives aren’t wasted times, but times when we can focus on getting to know God better.
God is sovereign over ALL even your spouse, or not having a spouse. Yes there is choice, and no one really understands how the two mesh, but to say God does not predetermine who you will marry is unbiblical. God is all-knowing; he knows if you will marry, and if you will marry he knows who. We CAN pray for a spouse just as we can pray for our next meal to come, or for healing, or anything. Now of course we should be willing to accept a no or a wait answer, God is not a genie who grants our every wish, but that does not mean we cannot ask. We can and should ask (but with an attitude of not my will, but Thy will be done). “but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God” Philippians 4:6
Thank you so much for that awesome word. I’ve been struggling with being single, and often find myself so discouraged. I think because I give my relationships 100% of my attention, am a Christian and try and live by the word that I should be married. Instead I find myself depressed and often wasting valuable time on relationships that find their way to a dead end. I was recently asked for my hand in marriage, but he doesn’t always treat me like a child of God should be treated. Im often criticized for thinking I’m better for not just dealing with the disrespect. After reading your message, I’ve decided if I put as much effort in the increasing my relationship with God and focusing on him my desire for a mate will seem less relevant.
Hi Eze Patience Nkechi, so nice to hear from you.
I thought about it and you know what, the Jews had a system where by people get married and was secure. Most other religions have a system set up to ensure male and female marry. I know God has got his way and thou I believe that a man should find a wife like he says in Proverbs, in the UK, we are so isolated that it sounds like a great idea.
What do you have in mind exactly?