Does God Promise You a Spouse?
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Jennifer was a disgruntled, single woman at my church. She was thirty-six years old and complained that her life was slipping away. Six years had passed since her last boyfriend, and her dating life remained in limbo. Jennifer wondered whether her heart still had the capacity to love. Beneath her jaded disposition festered an undercurrent of resentment toward God.
After attending church regularly for over two years, she suddenly disappeared. Three months later, I bumped into her at a restaurant and asked her whether she had moved to another church. She replied, “No, I’ve quit church altogether. I just can’t bring myself to worship a God who would leave me in such loneliness.” Jennifer concluded that if she was ever going to let God back into her life, He’d better bring her a husband—and fast.
Does God promise us a spouse? The Bible says “yes” by describing Christians as the spiritual bride of Christ. Our true spouse is Jesus. Yet, many of us say, “I’m glad to be spiritually married to Christ, but I can’t feel Him. Wouldn’t it be better if I could enjoy God’s love with someone else? I want Jesus with skin on.” So, we pray for God to bring us an earthly mate.
The gripe for love
My search for a spouse turned into a cycle of frustration as I encountered numerous relational struggles and a wife who abandoned me six months into our marriage. I started to wonder if God actually cared about my romantic relationships. Whenever I felt particularly upset about being single, I would sit in my den recliner and gripe to God about the injustice of my social life. Knowing He possessed omnipotent power made it seem logical to expect a wife from Him.
Whenever I demanded that God rush me a spouse, however, He seemed to whisper this question in my heart, “Rob, is the love of Jesus Christ enough for you? Have you allowed My complete forgiveness and unconditional acceptance to satisfy your heart?”
In tears of resignation, I conceded, “I appreciate Your love, Lord, but all I really want is a wife.” I still believed that my heart needed the affection of a person in order to feel complete. In essence, I valued human love more than God’s love.
One day, I began to look back over my life and the numerous dead-end relationships from my past. In each situation, romance had started out with a bang but fizzled under the weight of performance-based love. No matter who I met, either I was too demanding or she couldn’t accept me for who I was.
Suddenly, something clicked within my mind. I thought, “Why am I chasing marriage when it cannot provide the unconditional love that my heart craves? Only Christ offers everything I need.” With this new perspective, I relinquished to God my demand to get married. I still wanted to find a spouse someday, but I no longer considered marriage necessary to complete my life. If I remained single for the rest of my life, that was okay—God promised to fulfill my heart.
When we demand that God bring us a mate, we block His love from enhancing our social life. The anger that we harbor builds a wall between us and Him. If we are honest with ourselves, we realize that our demand for marriage is a refusal of God’s love because we want our selfish desires met. God will never stop loving us, but we ignore Him when we desperately seek a human being to make us happy. Furthermore, whatever we depend upon for our happiness will wind up controlling us. If we believe that we need a human spouse to be satisfied, then people, rather than God, will dictate our lives.
God is in control of everything, but He does not intervene just to make our lives easy. He had no intention of making a woman magically appear and fall in love with me. Instead, God wanted to use His power to mature me into someone who would initiate sacrificial love towards other people. I wanted to get love, while God was teaching me to give love.
The freedom to love
Likewise, God is working in your life to help you meet and love other people. However, you make the final choice as to whom you accept and whom you reject. When you interact with another person, you have the freedom to decide which direction your relationship will take. You can choose to become romantic, just be friends, or end your time together and separate. In addition, the other person has a decision in the matter, which means he can influence the outcome. Consequently, a relationship will not develop unless both of you decide to love each other. On the other hand, if you or the other person make selfish decisions, your relationship may crumble.
The desire for marriage is a fair request, but the consequences of living in a fallen world can prevent people from reaching that goal. For instance, you can pursue someone romantically, but that individual may choose to ignore you, a crisis or illness could hinder you, or that person may decide to leave you. The sins of humanity create numerous barriers to good relationships.
Yet, why is life so hard sometimes? Why doesn’t God use His power to protect us from pain? Actually, God is at work, but in a different way than some of us realize.
God uses His sovereign power to encourage people to love each other, but He also allows us to make selfish choices that can tear us apart. God permits calamity so that we can experience His greatest gift – a free will. Without free will, you and I would be robots or lifeless, stuffed animals. Fortunately, God limits His power to let us make our own choices in life. Does your free will nullify God’s omnipotence? No, as Psalm 37:23 says, “The steps of a man are established by the Lord.” God is so powerful that He can allow you to choose and still work the outcome for His glory.
Why is free will so important? God wants you to enjoy true love, and true love cannot exist without a choice. If you were forced to love God or another person, then love would disappear, and you would be under manipulation. Free will is the key ingredient to true love.
I recognized the importance of this truth when I couldn’t get a date for my junior high school prom. I had asked several girls, but they all turned me down. Four days before the big dance, however, a friend told me about a girl, named Tiffany, who needed a date. Frankly, I wasn’t attracted to her, but I asked her anyway, because she was my only option.
During the prom, Tiffany and I attempted to be cordial, but it became obvious that neither of us had an interest in each other. We didn’t talk during dinner, we didn’t want to dance as the band played, and we didn’t smile as our pictures were taken. Most of the evening, we sat in silence and stared dreamily at the students whom we really liked. Through that ordeal, I learned that love cannot exist unless both parties freely choose to be together.
Therefore, finding an earthly spouse will not occur through demanding God to miraculously bring someone to your doorstep. Marriage is not a predetermined process that happens mysteriously. You will get frustrated if you believe that God mystically pairs people together. If God predetermines marriage, then why doesn’t He stop divorce? Instead, God lets us make the decision to love or the decision to leave.
The choice to love
God brings people across your path and encourages you to love them, but He lets you manage your relational responses. Thus, marriage revolves around deliberately making choices to love another person. You can improve your opportunities for romance by getting out and choosing to sacrificially love people. Or, you can opt for selfish or reclusive behavior and diminish your relational prospects. The quality of your social life hinges on the choices you make.
Does God promise you a spouse? Yes, as the bride of Jesus Christ. Does God promise you an earthly spouse? No, because finding a husband is a process, in which two people decide to sacrifice themselves for each other’s benefit. So, don’t let the goal of earthly marriage control your life. Otherwise, you will become miserable, because you cannot control the future or free will of other people.
God wants your spiritual marriage to be your heart’s primary source of love and acceptance. Earthly relationships are the avenues to express His love to others. The more you love other people, the more you increase opportunities for an intimate relationship to develop. God may not orchestrate a passionate romance on earth, but He promises a life of passion to enjoy with Him.
Questions:
Use the following questions to consider if your desire for marriage has become a demand:
- Am I dating to find someone who can make me feel better about myself?
- Can I feel content and thankful to God in my singleness?
- Am I cynical about relationships with the opposite sex?
- Am I afraid of the possibility of never getting married?
- Is the love of Jesus Christ enough for me?
If your desire for marriage has turned into a demand, find encouragement by meditating on these verses: Philippians 4:6-13; 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below. (The form is under the last comment.)
Rob, I read with interest your article and agree with much of it. Some I don’t agree with. The part I read about you just deciding that if you stay single God will be enough to fulfill your life sounds like a bit of rationalization away a bad circumstance. If God had thought that He was enough to completely fulfill a human’s life then there would have been no need for Him to make Eve for Adam, but God said “It is NOT GOOD that man should be alone”. But Adam wasn’t alone; he had God to commune with. So why did God feel the necessity to create an “help meet for Adam? Because God realized that, even with Him being there in Spirit, that man needed a person of his own species by his side. Nothing has changed in the last 6000 years; a man still needs a woman by his side and vice versa. A few have been given the gift, as Jesus said, to be able to tolerate being alone, but for most men and women the lack of a help meet is a silent trauma that leads to loneliness, feelings of rejection and ultimately premature death from the stress that results from feeling alone and isolated. I agree that we have no right to demand a “suitable” spouse from God; He didn’t promise us a bed of roses here on earth.
I once heard Paul Washer say something I’ll never forget, “Sometimes God deliberately pairs us with a person who is as different from us as night and day, but He does it in His infinite wisdom knowing that it is this particular person that will best make us into the very likeness of Jesus.” That’s heavy stuff. That means that, for the most part, our marriage will be dissatisfying, that there will be strife, that we will frequently be in disharmony with each other, but that if we stick it through and if we can mutually make God the center of the marriage and not our selfish seeking after carnal gratification of something we call “the perfect romance” then we can count on God fulfilling His promise to sustain the marriage and make us into more perfect people for it. God does not promise us a storybook romance with a person who is our perfect match in every way. Only 1/2 of 1% of Christians get a romance/marriage as beautiful as that. Why they are the lucky ones and the other 99.5% of us are not is a mystery known only to God, but we have to trust God that whatever and whoever He brings our way will benefit us for His glory if we stick with the marriage to the (often bitter) end. There are some who believe that in the afterlife we will finally meet our literal “soul”mate after a lifetime of loneliness. The conventional belief, though, is that once this life is over so is the chance for any romance, so if you missed the boat here on earth you’ve missed it for good. That thought makes me very sad–so sad, in fact, that I could die of whats known as “broken-heart” syndrome, but I have to go on trusting that God knows what He is doing and this unhappiness is what He wants for me because He knows it will make me stronger, better, more like Jesus, etc. To sum up: 1) God doesn’t owe us nor does He promise us our perfect match in this life 2) we have no right to demand a perfect match from Him 3) we have to trust that whatever happens in this life, even if it is a life of loneliness and despair, it is God’s will for us and it will benefit us in some way in the end, even if our reward is not reaped until the afterlife.
Hi, I met a man who lives in another country and he is a senior pastor of a church, I don’t remember ever meeting this man. He told me that I was his wife and god told him. I’m not questioning if god told him I am questioning him. I am in the process of getting a divorce from another man we have been separated for 7 years. I have been praying asking god for a husband but what I don’t understand is that adultery because my divorce is not final? This isn’t something god would do? I think about this man all the time we talk everyday! Will god make it clear for me to understand?
Oh Claire, well said, as the bible said to some he made them enuchs, some are single like Paul and he had no desire to marry, probably if he did marry, he would not be as affective as he was. So I believe that too, Of course some who do not believe in Christ would say any old nonsense cuz they don’t have the Spirit of Christ to show them deep sweet revelations in his word. So that was good to read and of course you are right, if someone do not have the desire to marry, God would not force them and some don’t have the desire, just like Paul.
God bless xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Danielle, If you’ve read anything in my comments that appears to suggest that I’m telling single Christians to stop praying for a spouse you have misheard me.
Claire, do you think you are helping to ease the pain these people are feeling by informing them that the reason they haven’t found a marriage partner is because it’s “not God’s will” for them to be married? Saying nonsense like that breeds feelings of resentment toward God in these people, because they will be left wondering how can a loving God deny them a spouse and bless another Christian with one, knowing how much they desire to have one. To all the people still praying for a spouse, NEVER STOP PRAYING FOR ONE. God is certainly hearing you; try doing this: in stead of telling him what you seek in a potential spouse, ask him to open your eyes to what is best for you in a potential spouse. God never created ANY of us to be alone, otherwise he never would have instituted marriage in the first place. Remember his words? It is not good for the man to be alone? Do you think that God sees marriage and companionship as good for only some people and not for others? Smh….
Hi Claire darling, first of all, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. You are going to think this is crazy but I am going to tell you something God showed me about me years ago. [posted for vulgar content] Pardon my manners Claire but I had to say it like that.
I got to understand the dream eventually and it meant that people will put on me, what they should deal with, all the nasty, negatives things they go through like bitterness, distrust, pain, they would kind of blame me or distrust me. God was saying, you are taking on other peoples sins like they are your own and, you are allowing people to put weight on you cuz of what others have done to them.
Sweetheart, you have a choice, it does not matter how nice a person is, nip it in the bud ASAP. Let him know in a calm but firm way that if he cannot handle a relationship with a decent woman like you, and if he is constantly allowing his past to interfere in that way with the present, it cannot work.Do not compromise cuz we train men to treat us a certain way by allowing it. He should have had the decency to wait until he got his ex out of his system before he moved on but know that most men, will move on to avoid dealing with the negatives of his past relationship. I am not sure if he is one of them but if he wants release, go to Christ until he feels whole again to move on. God desires for us to be wise as a serpernt and harmless as a dove.
I’ll leave it at that. You have an obligation to look after you my love in such a way that a man will see that you love urself and carefore urself. It will prompt them to consider how they are with such a person.
God bless you my sister and I be prayng for you. You just have to know for yourself that you are too good for any [post edited for inappropriate language]
The Bible is clear that it is only the minority of Christians who are not meant to marry and that the majority are meant to marry. For those who are not called to marry, I believe they will not have a strong desire TO marry. God gives His kids the desires of their hearts and He is the one who puts those desires (honorable, Biblical ones) in their hearts to begin with. God would not put a strong desire to marry in one of His kids if it wasn’t God’s will that they marry — that would be cruel — and cruelty is not in God’s personality. If someone has a strong desire to marry, that is a pretty good indicator they are meant to marry.
If someone has a strong desire to marry and if they have given this area of their lives over to God and they have asked God for a mate and they have held onto their faith (stood in faith) without waivering or speaking words of doubt to dig up their original seeds of faith (“I’ll NEVER find anyone, God has forgotten me, it will never happen for me, I never get what I want, God is mad at me, etc.”), and if they have demonstrated their faithfulness toward God by having a heart that wants to be obedient to His word and not engage in extramarital sex (even if they stumble — but not if they are merely PRETENDING to attempt to be obedient knowing they can just ask for forgiveness later…God knows our HEARTS), and they have praised God in advance of their tangible manifestation to the same degree they would have praised God HAD they received their tangible manifestation already, and they still have not received their mate from God yet, then it is not God’s timing YET, but that doesn’t mean God doesn’t want them to marry.
Hi Danielle, You are certainly welcome to dislike the article but I would encourage you to take another look at what it is actually saying. This article is not about whether or not God is interested in who you choose to marry, the article is about whether or not all Christians WILL get married. Is it God’s will for every Christian to marry?
God definitely did choose Rebekah and Isaac for each other, but I don’t agree that God doing one thing one way is equal to God ALWAYS doing that one thing the same way every time. A lot of the pain that you hear in the comments on this article are from people who have been praying, who have been waiting for a spouse for years and thus far God has not chosen to bring them someone. I do not know if you are married or not, but please do not assume that unmarried Christians are that way because it has not occurred to them to pray. I’m sure there must be some who have left God out of the picture but I can promise you there are many who have prayed and prayed and prayed and God has not chosen to grant that prayer yet.