Does God Promise You a Spouse?
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Jennifer was a disgruntled, single woman at my church. She was thirty-six years old and complained that her life was slipping away. Six years had passed since her last boyfriend, and her dating life remained in limbo. Jennifer wondered whether her heart still had the capacity to love. Beneath her jaded disposition festered an undercurrent of resentment toward God.
After attending church regularly for over two years, she suddenly disappeared. Three months later, I bumped into her at a restaurant and asked her whether she had moved to another church. She replied, “No, I’ve quit church altogether. I just can’t bring myself to worship a God who would leave me in such loneliness.” Jennifer concluded that if she was ever going to let God back into her life, He’d better bring her a husband—and fast.
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Does God promise us a spouse? The Bible says “yes” by describing Christians as the spiritual bride of Christ. Our true spouse is Jesus. Yet, many of us say, “I’m glad to be spiritually married to Christ, but I can’t feel Him. Wouldn’t it be better if I could enjoy God’s love with someone else? I want Jesus with skin on.” So, we pray for God to bring us an earthly mate.
The gripe for love
My search for a spouse turned into a cycle of frustration as I encountered numerous relational struggles and a wife who abandoned me six months into our marriage. I started to wonder if God actually cared about my romantic relationships. Whenever I felt particularly upset about being single, I would sit in my den recliner and gripe to God about the injustice of my social life. Knowing He possessed omnipotent power made it seem logical to expect a wife from Him.
Whenever I demanded that God rush me a spouse, however, He seemed to whisper this question in my heart, “Rob, is the love of Jesus Christ enough for you? Have you allowed My complete forgiveness and unconditional acceptance to satisfy your heart?”
In tears of resignation, I conceded, “I appreciate Your love, Lord, but all I really want is a wife.” I still believed that my heart needed the affection of a person in order to feel complete. In essence, I valued human love more than God’s love.
One day, I began to look back over my life and the numerous dead-end relationships from my past. In each situation, romance had started out with a bang but fizzled under the weight of performance-based love. No matter who I met, either I was too demanding or she couldn’t accept me for who I was.
Suddenly, something clicked within my mind. I thought, “Why am I chasing marriage when it cannot provide the unconditional love that my heart craves? Only Christ offers everything I need.” With this new perspective, I relinquished to God my demand to get married. I still wanted to find a spouse someday, but I no longer considered marriage necessary to complete my life. If I remained single for the rest of my life, that was okay—God promised to fulfill my heart.
When we demand that God bring us a mate, we block His love from enhancing our social life. The anger that we harbor builds a wall between us and Him. If we are honest with ourselves, we realize that our demand for marriage is a refusal of God’s love because we want our selfish desires met. God will never stop loving us, but we ignore Him when we desperately seek a human being to make us happy. Furthermore, whatever we depend upon for our happiness will wind up controlling us. If we believe that we need a human spouse to be satisfied, then people, rather than God, will dictate our lives.
God is in control of everything, but He does not intervene just to make our lives easy. He had no intention of making a woman magically appear and fall in love with me. Instead, God wanted to use His power to mature me into someone who would initiate sacrificial love towards other people. I wanted to get love, while God was teaching me to give love.
The freedom to love
Likewise, God is working in your life to help you meet and love other people. However, you make the final choice as to whom you accept and whom you reject. When you interact with another person, you have the freedom to decide which direction your relationship will take. You can choose to become romantic, just be friends, or end your time together and separate. In addition, the other person has a decision in the matter, which means he can influence the outcome. Consequently, a relationship will not develop unless both of you decide to love each other. On the other hand, if you or the other person make selfish decisions, your relationship may crumble.
The desire for marriage is a fair request, but the consequences of living in a fallen world can prevent people from reaching that goal. For instance, you can pursue someone romantically, but that individual may choose to ignore you, a crisis or illness could hinder you, or that person may decide to leave you. The sins of humanity create numerous barriers to good relationships.
Yet, why is life so hard sometimes? Why doesn’t God use His power to protect us from pain? Actually, God is at work, but in a different way than some of us realize.
God uses His sovereign power to encourage people to love each other, but He also allows us to make selfish choices that can tear us apart. God permits calamity so that we can experience His greatest gift – a free will. Without free will, you and I would be robots or lifeless, stuffed animals. Fortunately, God limits His power to let us make our own choices in life. Does your free will nullify God’s omnipotence? No, as Psalm 37:23 says, “The steps of a man are established by the Lord.” God is so powerful that He can allow you to choose and still work the outcome for His glory.
Why is free will so important? God wants you to enjoy true love, and true love cannot exist without a choice. If you were forced to love God or another person, then love would disappear, and you would be under manipulation. Free will is the key ingredient to true love.
I recognized the importance of this truth when I couldn’t get a date for my junior high school prom. I had asked several girls, but they all turned me down. Four days before the big dance, however, a friend told me about a girl, named Tiffany, who needed a date. Frankly, I wasn’t attracted to her, but I asked her anyway, because she was my only option.
During the prom, Tiffany and I attempted to be cordial, but it became obvious that neither of us had an interest in each other. We didn’t talk during dinner, we didn’t want to dance as the band played, and we didn’t smile as our pictures were taken. Most of the evening, we sat in silence and stared dreamily at the students whom we really liked. Through that ordeal, I learned that love cannot exist unless both parties freely choose to be together.
Therefore, finding an earthly spouse will not occur through demanding God to miraculously bring someone to your doorstep. Marriage is not a predetermined process that happens mysteriously. You will get frustrated if you believe that God mystically pairs people together. If God predetermines marriage, then why doesn’t He stop divorce? Instead, God lets us make the decision to love or the decision to leave.
The choice to love
God brings people across your path and encourages you to love them, but He lets you manage your relational responses. Thus, marriage revolves around deliberately making choices to love another person. You can improve your opportunities for romance by getting out and choosing to sacrificially love people. Or, you can opt for selfish or reclusive behavior and diminish your relational prospects. The quality of your social life hinges on the choices you make.
Does God promise you a spouse? Yes, as the bride of Jesus Christ. Does God promise you an earthly spouse? No, because finding a husband is a process, in which two people decide to sacrifice themselves for each other’s benefit. So, don’t let the goal of earthly marriage control your life. Otherwise, you will become miserable, because you cannot control the future or free will of other people.
God wants your spiritual marriage to be your heart’s primary source of love and acceptance. Earthly relationships are the avenues to express His love to others. The more you love other people, the more you increase opportunities for an intimate relationship to develop. God may not orchestrate a passionate romance on earth, but He promises a life of passion to enjoy with Him.
Questions:
Use the following questions to consider if your desire for marriage has become a demand:
- Am I dating to find someone who can make me feel better about myself?
- Can I feel content and thankful to God in my singleness?
- Am I cynical about relationships with the opposite sex?
- Am I afraid of the possibility of never getting married?
- Is the love of Jesus Christ enough for me?
If your desire for marriage has turned into a demand, find encouragement by meditating on these verses: Philippians 4:6-13; 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below. (The form is under the last comment.)
JustAGuy, here is what I know about: He creates out of His love and He loves those He creates. When He creates there is a purpose for what He has created and He is unstoppable in His purposes. God created you out of His love and He absolutely loves you. That precludes any sense of playing cruel games where He has given you a need but no way of means for that need to be met. God has created you for a purpose and there is no one who is able to stop Him from accomplishing His purpose in your life. And when I say that He has a purpose, I am not referring to some grand cosmic purpose but a detailed specific plan for every moment of your life. Paul instructs us that, “we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) “All things” is pretty encompassing and leaves nothing out. So God’s purpose for your life is for your good and He will accomplish that purpose.
So you do not have to fulfill those needs; God will. Jesus taught, “So don’t worry about having enough food or drink or clothing… Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day. Just live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.” (Matthew 6:31-33) God knows all of your needs and He will meet all of them. Your job is not to pursue your own needs but to pursue God.
I hope this is not coming across as a “Sucks to be you” attitude. I just want to point out that all of our needs are met by God and there isn’t a more trustworthy source than Him. Abraham found that. He had received a promise from God that he would become the father of many nations but then years and years passed without any children. So rather than pursuing God and looking to Him to accomplish the promise Abraham and his wife figured they would need to meet the need on their own. They hooked up Abraham with one of Sarah’s servants and she bore a son for him. That was obviously not the way that God had planned to meet the need and there was nothing but trouble from that. God did miraculously meet the need when Abraham and Sarah were in 90′s and the result turned out far better than anything that Abraham and Sarah could have created on their own.
Let me encourage you, you can trust God to meet all your needs. It may not be in your time table but it will be far better than what you could conceive. What you need to do is focus your attention on God and make Him your primary concern. That way, when He shows you the way that He wants you to go you will be ready to follow. If you focus your attention on your needs you will end up going down paths that will be very destructive.
Does that make sense?
Actually Chris has a point. I would not have this need if God did not allow me to have it. God also made it impossible for a purely spiritual relationship to fulfill this need (it is a NEED or it would fade as all wants eventually do). Furthermore, WE WILL NOT BE MARRYING GOD OR CHRIST. God’s design for marriage prevents individual marriages to Christ because half of us are ineligible by virtue of our gender. The marriage is between the church as an entity, not us. So it was never designed to fulfill these God given needs. So how am I to fulfill these needs if all God is interesed in is giving the NEED but not the solution?
I am not looking for an excuse to sin, or am I boiling over with anger. I am exhausted with the constant desire I go through, and the calous “Sucks to be you” attitude that I get when I turn to the people who expect me to bear their burdens when they are in need, but call me a loser when I reach out for the same.
Please, is there anyone out there with an answer?
The Psalm (Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart) is all well and good, but what if what we desire isn’t part of God’s will? Could there be anything worse than truly trying to make God the priority in our lives and not getting the things we’d really like to have? As I’ve said, I’m a childfree Christian, and trying to find a woman who doesn’t want kids has been incredibly depressing sometimes.
I made a comment on the topic but had not read the earlier comments. I was forced to read them after Tyrone’s message. However, this is what I can say: Let each one seek to understand God through his Word. There are bound to be as many interpretations of the Word as there are people on this planet but take heed! For instance, I do not believe in that theory of not holding God accountable. God can be held accountable for ONLY that which He has promised – In Genesis 28:14 and Genesis 31:3 Jacob remembered God’s promise of safety and prosperity. When Jacob’s safety and prosperity was threatened, Jacob held God accountable to His word through prayer.
What is vital is for each one to read the Bible and understand it, of course stay open to learning through fellowship.
Amen Jamie. The devil’s only ploy from the beginning of history to this very moment is deceiving human beings into thinking God is holding out on them or He does not have their best interest in mind. The question of “Does God Promise A Spouse” reveals an underlying issue of can I really trust God to fulfill the deepest cravings of my heart?
I was just writing about this. Here are a few thoughts but if you can also check out the complete article here http://joelpowertochange.wordpress.com/2012/05/22/delight-yourself-in-the-lord/
The secret to finding fulfillment in life is found in Psalms 37:4. Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart.
As free will beings we are faced with a million different paths and adventures to pursue in life. Though all of these paths provide the illusion of destiny, meaning and intimacy, it is only an illusion. No earthly relationship or experience will ever satisfy the cravings of your heart because apart from relationship with its Creator your heart is hopelessly incomplete.
Since pursuing our own desires will never satisfy our hearts, God reveals the secret to fulfilling all cravings in life in Psalms 37:4. Delighting yourself in the Lord is the only way to fulfill the cravings of your heart. You have been made in God’s image, so God alone is able to satisfy the deepest cravings of your heart. Vain attempts to satisfy your soul’s cravings will only leave you wounded, broken and miserable.
Every time we attempt to pursue our cravings apart from our Father, his heart breaks…
“Why are you settling for so little in life?
If only you could see how much greater my plan is for your life!
If only you would realize that you are totally incapable of fulfilling the cravings your hearts because you do not even understand your own desires!
If only you would trust me because I have created you and only I am able to fulfill the deepest cravings of your heart.
The secret to finding the desires of your heart is allowing your Father to lead you into His perfect plan for your life.
Don’t waste another moment vainly pursuing your own cravings apart from God. I pray your heavenly Father will awaken your heart to clearly see that He alone can satisfy your deepest desires. As you learn the secret of delighting yourself in the Lord, He alone is able to fulfill your heart’s deepest cravings.
I think there is an underlying mistrust of God when we ask, “Did God promise…?” If we trusted that God will follow through with whatever He has promised we would be content to receive the fulfillment of that promise in His perfect timing.
There is no need for us to hold God accountable for the promises He has made. He knows far better than any of us what He has promised and He knows the best way for that promise to be fulfilled. It is a far better use of our energy and attention to make sure that we are following what God wants for us right now. When we have all of our attention focused on God, ready to follow wherever He leads us, we will be ready for whatever promise He wants to fulfill in our life. And you can have confidence that where He leads is the best place for you to be, the best relationships for you to be involved in, and the most fulfilling role you could ever have. “And we know that God causes EVERYTHING to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” (Romans 8:28) “Everything” is pretty all inclusive; nothing gets left out of “everything”.