Does God Promise You a Spouse?

Written by Rob Eagar

“Is this it? Just me, forever? What have I done wrong?”
Read Tia’s story.

Jennifer was a disgruntled, single woman at my church. She was thirty-six years old and complained that her life was slipping away. Six years had passed since her last boyfriend, and her dating life remained in limbo. Jennifer wondered whether her heart still had the capacity to love. Beneath her jaded disposition festered an undercurrent of resentment toward God.

After attending church regularly for over two years, she suddenly disappeared. Three months later, I bumped into her at a restaurant and asked her whether she had moved to another church. She replied, “No, I’ve quit church altogether. I just can’t bring myself to worship a God who would leave me in such loneliness.” Jennifer concluded that if she was ever going to let God back into her life, He’d better bring her a husband—and fast.

Does God promise us a spouse? The Bible says “yes” by describing Christians as the spiritual bride of Christ. Our true spouse is Jesus. Yet, many of us say, “I’m glad to be spiritually married to Christ, but I can’t feel Him. Wouldn’t it be better if I could enjoy God’s love with someone else? I want Jesus with skin on.” So, we pray for God to bring us an earthly mate.

Related: STOP WAITING FOR YOUR REAL LIFE TO BEGIN.

The gripe for love

My search for a spouse turned into a cycle of frustration as I encountered numerous relational struggles and a wife who abandoned me six months into our marriage. I started to wonder if God actually cared about my romantic relationships. Whenever I felt particularly upset about being single, I would sit in my den recliner and gripe to God about the injustice of my social life. Knowing He possessed omnipotent power made it seem logical to expect a wife from Him.

Whenever I demanded that God rush me a spouse, however, He seemed to whisper this question in my heart, “Rob, is the love of Jesus Christ enough for you? Have you allowed My complete forgiveness and unconditional acceptance to satisfy your heart?”

In tears of resignation, I conceded, “I appreciate Your love, Lord, but all I really want is a wife.” I still believed that my heart needed the affection of a person in order to feel complete. In essence, I valued human love more than God’s love.

One day, I began to look back over my life and the numerous dead-end relationships from my past. In each situation, romance had started out with a bang but fizzled under the weight of performance-based love. No matter who I met, either I was too demanding or she couldn’t accept me for who I was.

Suddenly, something clicked within my mind. I thought, “Why am I chasing marriage when it cannot provide the unconditional love that my heart craves? Only Christ offers everything I need.” With this new perspective, I relinquished to God my demand to get married. I still wanted to find a spouse someday, but I no longer considered marriage necessary to complete my life. If I remained single for the rest of my life, that was okay—God promised to fulfill my heart.

When we demand that God bring us a mate, we block His love from enhancing our social life. The anger that we harbor builds a wall between us and Him. If we are honest with ourselves, we realize that our demand for marriage is a refusal of God’s love because we want our selfish desires met. God will never stop loving us, but we ignore Him when we desperately seek a human being to make us happy. Furthermore, whatever we depend upon for our happiness will wind up controlling us. If we believe that we need a human spouse to be satisfied, then people, rather than God, will dictate our lives.

God is in control of everything, but He does not intervene just to make our lives easy. He had no intention of making a woman magically appear and fall in love with me. Instead, God wanted to use His power to mature me into someone who would initiate sacrificial love towards other people. I wanted to get love, while God was teaching me to give love.

The freedom to love

Likewise, God is working in your life to help you meet and love other people. However, you make the final choice as to whom you accept and whom you reject. When you interact with another person, you have the freedom to decide which direction your relationship will take. You can choose to become romantic, just be friends, or end your time together and separate. In addition, the other person has a decision in the matter, which means he can influence the outcome. Consequently, a relationship will not develop unless both of you decide to love each other. On the other hand, if you or the other person make selfish decisions, your relationship may crumble.

The desire for marriage is a fair request, but the consequences of living in a fallen world can prevent people from reaching that goal. For instance, you can pursue someone romantically, but that individual may choose to ignore you, a crisis or illness could hinder you, or that person may decide to leave you. The sins of humanity create numerous barriers to good relationships.

Yet, why is life so hard sometimes? Why doesn’t God use His power to protect us from pain? Actually, God is at work, but in a different way than some of us realize.

God uses His sovereign power to encourage people to love each other, but He also allows us to make selfish choices that can tear us apart. God permits calamity so that we can experience His greatest gift – a free will. Without free will, you and I would be robots or lifeless, stuffed animals. Fortunately, God limits His power to let us make our own choices in life. Does your free will nullify God’s omnipotence? No, as Psalm 37:23 says, “The steps of a man are established by the Lord.” God is so powerful that He can allow you to choose and still work the outcome for His glory.

Why is free will so important? God wants you to enjoy true love, and true love cannot exist without a choice. If you were forced to love God or another person, then love would disappear, and you would be under manipulation. Free will is the key ingredient to true love.

I recognized the importance of this truth when I couldn’t get a date for my junior high school prom. I had asked several girls, but they all turned me down. Four days before the big dance, however, a friend told me about a girl, named Tiffany, who needed a date. Frankly, I wasn’t attracted to her, but I asked her anyway, because she was my only option.

During the prom, Tiffany and I attempted to be cordial, but it became obvious that neither of us had an interest in each other. We didn’t talk during dinner, we didn’t want to dance as the band played, and we didn’t smile as our pictures were taken. Most of the evening, we sat in silence and stared dreamily at the students whom we really liked. Through that ordeal, I learned that love cannot exist unless both parties freely choose to be together.

Therefore, finding an earthly spouse will not occur through demanding God to miraculously bring someone to your doorstep. Marriage is not a predetermined process that happens mysteriously. You will get frustrated if you believe that God mystically pairs people together. If God predetermines marriage, then why doesn’t He stop divorce? Instead, God lets us make the decision to love or the decision to leave.

The choice to love

God brings people across your path and encourages you to love them, but He lets you manage your relational responses. Thus, marriage revolves around deliberately making choices to love another person. You can improve your opportunities for romance by getting out and choosing to sacrificially love people. Or, you can opt for selfish or reclusive behavior and diminish your relational prospects. The quality of your social life hinges on the choices you make.

Does God promise you a spouse? Yes, as the bride of Jesus Christ. Does God promise you an earthly spouse? No, because finding a husband is a process, in which two people decide to sacrifice themselves for each other’s benefit. So, don’t let the goal of earthly marriage control your life. Otherwise, you will become miserable, because you cannot control the future or free will of other people.

God wants your spiritual marriage to be your heart’s primary source of love and acceptance. Earthly relationships are the avenues to express His love to others. The more you love other people, the more you increase opportunities for an intimate relationship to develop. God may not orchestrate a passionate romance on earth, but He promises a life of passion to enjoy with Him.

Questions:

Use the following questions to consider if your desire for marriage has become a demand:

  • Am I dating to find someone who can make me feel better about myself?
  • Can I feel content and thankful to God in my singleness?
  • Am I cynical about relationships with the opposite sex?
  • Am I afraid of the possibility of never getting married?
  • Is the love of Jesus Christ enough for me?

If your desire for marriage has turned into a demand, find encouragement by meditating on these verses: Philippians 4:6-13; 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

devo-interact-icon-42x42So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? You can contact us privately by filling out this form. One of our mentors will get in touch shortly.

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2,517 Responses to “Does God Promise You a Spouse?”

  • Viera says:

    R…Abraham and Sara had a son when they were old and John the baptist was born to an older parents and there are other like this in the Biblie I dont know why do you think you are too old to get married and have kids. Maybe woman can think that but even then are miracles and adoptions as a posibility to have kids.

  • rjoy says:

    please stop,what YOU need to do is step out in faith and not be afraid,do you here me???god is waiting on you,nothing will happen until you stop feeling sorry for yourself,please stop

  • R says:

    Rachel I appreciate your feed back. I have heard the saying that women marry hoping to change the man but he doesn’t. And men marry hoping that she won’t change and she does. My singleness problem has destroyed me by causing me to think about many other things. Why has God made things this way? How can God make men and women sooooooo different and expect things to work? Why doesn’t God provide for me? Why doesn’t He have compassion on me? If He won’t answer my most important prayers then maybe He didn’t answer my request when I invited Jesus into my heart. Maybe everything I have learned in the Bible is just knowledge. Because His promises to do something only make me feel empty. I have to face the facts now that it is no longer wise for me to get married. I have waited and hoped and prayed but I’m too old to have a family of my own. I wouldn’t be able to relate to my kids. Waiting on God sounds good but eventually the timeline of life changes the situation. Or at least it should. My dad was 42 when I was born, he couldn’t relate to me and has already passed. Well I’m starting to cry now. I had no idea life was going to be like this. I just need to focus now on accepting my fate and try not to focus on why God even made me. I think it’s mean to give someone the desire to love and be loved and know that they will be unloved. So I don’t go to church or read the Bible any more. I don’t know what’s keeping me from getting involved with the world. I never thought I would be thinking this but I’m now tempted to pay for it. How sad that I would save something for so many years and now be tempted more than ever to share it with a stranger.

  • Rachel says:

    I believe healthy relationships are under attack. As a woman I can say that women are indeed more complex than men. They say women change continually during a relationship while most men remain more or less the same. The best solution is to stay close to God and seek and trust Him for a spouse. If we go look and choose for ourselves we will end up with lots of frustration an heartbreak. Not everyone who calls themselves a Christian, truly has a relationship with Christ. People walk around with lots of baggage from their childhood and previous relationships. You may have the best intentions but this person will only hurt you. If a woman doesn’t know Jesus she will not know what she wants, same for a man. So please don’t give up on God, Jesus paid a very high price, keep on following and trusting Him. He gave up His life to save yours. Wait on the Lord, He will not put us to shame. God Bless!

  • Viera says:

    R… I was talking general that what women want is love. Of course you are right that communication is important. There are differences in men’s behaviour and women’s too. If man is in stress he needs to be alone to work his thoughts out but if woman is in stress she needs to talk and then she will feel better or she will find solution. So in marriage man needs to learn how to listen to his wife when she is stress and wife need to learn how to leave husband alone when he is in stress or have a problem. Men are more into work and action therefore when men meet they have to do something together like play sport or repair something but women on the other side are more oriented on family and relationships therefore when they meet they care about each other feelings and solving problems. There are also other different things in behaviour man and woman in thinking, solving problems, emotions and so on. I recommend to read some books about differences between women and men like “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus.” I read many books and it’s helping me now.

  • R says:

    Viera, are you speaking about a marriage situation? Because if you are then we are talking about two different things. I read a captioned picture on line last year. It said “women are not meant to be understood, they are meant to be loved”. That seems really simple and misleading that that is the answer. But what about the times in a relationship that are not good? I know that my dad truly loved my mom, he didn’t cheat or abuse her and he would have done anything to make it work. But she divorced him anyways. When my mom got remarried my dad said it won’t last. And it didn’t. I have been in a few relationships where I loved the girl. I tried everything I knew to make it work. It didn’t work. I have friends that have gone through divorces. They were willing to do anything and everything to make it work but it didn’t work. “Love” cannot accurately be used as the simple answer. Communication is the key. What if women were to come out and say exactly what they want? What if women actually worked with guys through actions and communication so that there could be a perfect relationship? I don’t know what went wrong in my past relationships. I just tried to be a good Christian guy. My goal in a relationship was to help them stay close and get closer to God. Which is the most important thing in this world. I have always been fun and could make anyone laugh if I am around them for a minute. But I am a nice guy and guys really do finish last. But let me give some advice to women that are seeking a relationship. Love God first. Pray and seek a man that goes to your Church. Look for the fruits of the Spirit. (If he tries to get physical, get rid of him!) Look your best. Be fun and communicate what you want. You can communicate through actions with positive feedback. And finally, treat him better then any one else treats him. Always find something new that he likes and keep doing it. If you do just the opposite of this it will fail.

  • Viera says:

    R.. ..Women are not confusing. We are simple too. All we want is love showed by words and action. Then we have strength to take care of family, ourselves, and be good wife and friend. If love is missing we loose ability to be what we should be. Firstly we need love of God then love of husband, friends and family.

  • Celine says:

    Dear R,

    A true Christian women wants someone that loves them unconditionally and will not compare them to the the supermodels of the world. The thing is we did not choose how we look and sure there are women that want to look like supermodels but that’s only because women get bombarded with it all the time. I’m reminded of the film Sense and Sensibility and how the young lady wanted an outgoing man but in the end she chose the man who was good and faithful and looked beyond the superficial. I think as I mentioned before women have been brainwashed by the media to be materialistic, loose and to be like how the media portrays men. Some women have left oppressed because they think men only care about looks so as I mentioned before they seek revenge and now want to dominate men but that’s not how a true Christian woman is. She wants a strong man but not one that see her as inferior. A man who doesn’t put her down if she grows old, gains a few pounds and doesn’t have the measurements of people on television. Women can be more confusing because it appears society puts more demands on women. If they stay home they are not contributed to society and if they work they are neglecting children. In some cultures women are seen as second class as when a girl is hurt through a land mine and has some impairment she is seen as not worthy to be married. I saw that on tv once. Also in some cultures when women get raped they get blamed and cast out of society and some get stoned for cheating. No wonder women get confused on one extreme they are told to be loose and on the other extreme told to coverup and have no say and to just be abused. Also people confuse submitting in the Bible. This doesn’t mean dominating but treating the wife the way Christ treats the church.

    But many times that the world’s ways. Women don’t like to be judged on stuff they can’t control and some feel pressured to alter their bodies for men to the point it’s destructive. Even in Christianity it is like that. Sometimes I get sad because when little girls are young they are told they are beautiful and yes it’s a compliment but then there is this pressure on little girls to only care about those things. The best way to look at women is how would you want you’re daughter to treated if you had a daughter. Would you want you’re daughter to be consumed with appearance or be concerned with her character and to be Christ like. I think R the best thing to do is look to the Bible how relationships and women and men should be. Otherwise you get a hundred different answers.

    Sorry this is long. I think you should really seek God on the person for you and yes society is strange right now and people in the church at least some are worldly but please don’t think all are like that. Some might be just struggling getting out of Egypt and God is working on them. Others God has to really get a hold of but God can save anyone. So just pray for those people and don’t give up praying on them. God is going to do a mighty work where backsliders and those in the world will be set free from that. Sorry for the long post. Sorry for repeating myself in so many posts but not sure if people are understanding what I’m getting at and I hope at least you think about these things.

  • R says:

    I want to thank all of you who have encouraged me. It really does mean a lot to me as I go through these dark times. I have a comment for Maricris. I’m not trying to start an argument here but I would like to challenge you to ask six different people that you are not friends with if men or women are more confusing. I just googled the question are men or women more confusing and the results were overwhelmingly in agreement that women are more confusing. But let’s take this opportunity to shine some light on the situation. Maybe we can help each other out here. I can help you understand what men want, and more specifically what a Christian man like myself is looking for. It’s really simple. Men are very simple. I can even give some simple instructions on how to be a great wife that most guys would like. And if you can help me understand women and what they are looking for, and I try it and it works, I will take back what I said, I will apologize to you and everyone else reading this and admit I was wrong. I’m asking you to please help me out here. Your insight here if you are right could change the rest of my life.

  • Maricris says:

    Dear R
    I could say the same thing about men, it’s not jt us women who has a problem. But God uses us differently.

  • hope says:

    Veira, and Chris….very well written I agree with both of your posts very strongly :)

  • rjoy says:

    dear “R”

    After reading your post I see and feel a lot of my own frustration in some of your words,I am 43 and have been alone for over 20 years now,I don’t want to be but I am,there was a time when I had girlfreinds and I did marry a woman whom I brought over on a marriage visa only to have her abandon me once here,I never had the wedding night or honeymoon just simply nothing.I can tell you that over the years I’ve had a growing problem of self hatred and I believe it is the major contributer as to why it is immpossible for me to have a relationship with a woman,I have no good reason to loathe myself I just do.The reason I bring this up is because maybe you too have a bit of this problem,self hatred is like a self fullfilling prophecy.Are you terrified of rejection?,do you feel that your just not worthy or good enough for anyone?.Your words all sound so familiar to the same things I have thought.We have a common enemy who’d like to kill us but even better yet is to make us suffer and wish we were dead,I’m not talking drama episodes here I’m talking about truly wanting to be dead,satan can’t get at jesus so the next best thing is to destroy the ones whom he loves.R I think your just as capable as any one else to have love but you won’t let yourself do it,other people are not the problem,its the way we percieve ourselves in our own eyes and we think that others see us in our own light,its simply a lie!!! and to boot others see things in us that we don’t even realize we possess because no matter how sure you are that you know what others think of you you really don’t and thats a fact and the truth.Perhaps I’ve got it all wrong but until we learn to love and accept who we are then neither will any woman.Honestly,I don’t believe these problems were so widespread just as little as 100 years ago than they are in this day and age when everyone is brainwashed by the evil media that loops 24/7.

  • Viera says:

    R… I understand how you feel. I was in such a stage of my life too. God didn’t give me what I wanted therefore I left him. Then He brought me back and I realized that it’s not how we should serve, believe and worship God that if he doesn’t give us what we want then we will leave him. If he is the Lord and God of our life and we gave him our life he can do what he wants in our life and even if we are not happy about something what he is doing we should say like like Jesus did in Getsemane garden:”your will be done.” That’s our bearing our crosses and serving him. If God knows better and he is God give him your life totally and trust him that he knows what he is doing and enjoy your life in his presents and don’t worry everything will come in His timing.

  • Chris Chris says:

    R…sorry to hear of your struggles. as a married man and not perfect by any means, i have found that God uses my wife to perfect his love in me. when we have christs perfect love we are invinsible because all of our life is in christ and not in anyone else, not even our wives. we are simply here to serve them and let God meet our needs, not them. the flesh will go into the ground but our spirits will live on forever. those are what we need to concéntrate on since the body will return to dust. i pray jesus confort you today in your struggle to know you are complete in christ according to colossians 2.10. in christ we surely can do all things and he will always be the one we can lean on for strength in any time of need. for more information on knowing jesus savingly and strongly log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor for more personalized attention. jesus bless you today!!

  • hope says:

    forgiveness ,grace ,truth . this world is not our home ,to be with the Lord is the most magnificent thing that we could ever imagine me and being married or having our dreams on earth come true . too much pain and much struggle ,we will overcome this nasty / which is full of bitterness and hatred vanity ,and the Spirit will fulfill the will which the Lord had planned from us from the beginning .don’t worry confusion no more hatred no more jealousy no more condemnation no more feeling bad about ourselves no more hating other people normal resenting others for what they have done to us but yet us having pity on them knowing that the Lord has mercy and grace on us to be able to get to know him to be with him to really know what it is to love when we really realize and understand how much love he has had for us this whole time ,even when we have acted like spoiled little children throwing tantrums on the playground . everyone of us has acted this way but thank God he has open the door so we can let him in he keeps knocking , hoping that we will let him in and let go of bitterness hatred unforgiveness jealousy and all that nasty darkness that is trying to infiltrate our lives our hearts our souls are mines ..

  • Celine says:

    I don’t think all women are like that and it’s sad people think so. I think maybe you just haven’t met the right one. There only needs to be one and blessings come through faith in what Christ has done on the crss. I haven’t met anyone. I don’t smoke, drink or sleep around or have tattoos etc. It is easy for me to generalize men as well and mention they are all obsessed with looks and don’t like women who are over 20 but that would wrong and stereotyping and leads to bitterness and hatred toward men. God told us to love our enemies. So I think we have to be careful. I don’t think R you have to run away from society. I admit if I had the meansit is tempting to do it as well. I’m not a very social person so it is very tempting. I think the enemy has so many of us consumed with so many things but God wants to take out of this wilderness and witness to people and not be overconsumed in finding fault with all those around us. Jesus is coming back soon and he wants us to forgive each person and not hold grudges. So pray for those type of women and if led witness to them. They wouldn’t change by looking at what they are doing wrong. Yes it’s good to be honest about it but remember we wrestle not with flesh and blood and everyone has sin.

  • R says:

    The frustrating thing is not knowing what women want. Or even how to understand them. How can you make them happy if you don’t know what to do. Just be nice, just be your self, give it to God, pray about it. NONE OF THAT HAS WORKED! If God wants people to get married and have a marriage that will last then, why are relationships so tough! Look at our choices as men. The Bible says if your burn with passion then get married. That’s one problem solved and more problems started. Nobody knows women! And women, you talk more and you perceive more and understand more then us men. That’s great. Now start talking! Stop being quiet when we ask you what’s wrong. We are not mind readers. There is no default way that us guys can do to make you happy? All we can do is try but when nothing works, then what? Give up? I have tried so hard to just give up on women! Love is such an interesting thing. It is an interesting need in that although it is a need, it can go unmet. If you run out of oxygen, you die. If you run out of food and water, you will soon die. If you can’t love or be loved, you suffer. It’s like solitary confinement which is a severe punishment! I feel like I am in a jail cell. There are millions of keys on the floor. You can’t even see the floor! I have tried and tried to unlock the door but none of the keys work. I realized that I might be trying the same key over and over so I stop. I just look at all the keys and the lock. This is awful! I cannot believe life is like this. I shouldn’t question God but why did life and this world have to be “this way”? God knows the future. What if 99 percent of Christian marriages were successful? What if God helped me find the right woman? What if women were not so hard to understand? What if women actually liked nice Christian guys who want to follow the Bible instead of falling in love with jerks. How messed up this world is. It frustrates me to no end that God is in control and He wants us to live our lives a certain way but there are so many obstacles and trials that make it impossible to do! I don’t want to do this any more. I want God to be awesome in this world. I want it to be obvious that living for God gives you a better life. I want to have a relationship with God where He “talks” with me instead of me going crazy wondering why I even pray any more because my prayers have gone unanswered for most three decades. I see so much opposition that I have given up on God. He is not the Father that I want Him to be. I had a revelation the other night that brought me tears. I guy I know had a cat follow him because it was starving. The cat kept on crying out in such a desperate way. As fast as it could it cried out. So we got the cat some food and water. The cat was choking on the food and water because it was trying to eat so fast. The cat was skin and bones and probably near death. The cat would cry out even while it was eating! When the cat could eat or drink no more it still cried out and looked around frantically like it did not know what to do. This cat had been pushed past its limits. I don’t even like cats but I still had compassion on it. It was then that I realized that I had something in common with this cat. I too have been pushed past my limit. I cried out and cried out and begged and pleaded with nothing but bad memories to show for it. I have given up on God and now life is weird? I have prayed and prayed and studied the Bible but I don’t see where it has done me any good. I’m more frustrated because I believe in God. I think God should help me. I think He should have compassion on me. I wish He would delete me. I don’t deserve Heaven and I don’t want to go to hell but my attitude with God and no longer living for Him makes me not feel saved. I’m looking into living in a small place far away from everyone. I’m going to try to make my life make sense. I want to just pretend that nobody else exists. Maybe pay someone to bring me food and drop it off in front of my house every few months. No phone, no electricity. Just exist until my day comes and I get to take leave of this ugly cursed body. Wish me luck. Don’t pray that I meet a wife, pray that I am blessed with stage four cancer. At this point I would rather embrace cancer then a wife. The sooner I can say good bye to this cruel world the better.

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