Does God Promise You a Spouse?
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Jennifer was a disgruntled, single woman at my church. She was thirty-six years old and complained that her life was slipping away. Six years had passed since her last boyfriend, and her dating life remained in limbo. Jennifer wondered whether her heart still had the capacity to love. Beneath her jaded disposition festered an undercurrent of resentment toward God.
After attending church regularly for over two years, she suddenly disappeared. Three months later, I bumped into her at a restaurant and asked her whether she had moved to another church. She replied, “No, I’ve quit church altogether. I just can’t bring myself to worship a God who would leave me in such loneliness.” Jennifer concluded that if she was ever going to let God back into her life, He’d better bring her a husband—and fast.
Does God promise us a spouse? The Bible says “yes” by describing Christians as the spiritual bride of Christ. Our true spouse is Jesus. Yet, many of us say, “I’m glad to be spiritually married to Christ, but I can’t feel Him. Wouldn’t it be better if I could enjoy God’s love with someone else? I want Jesus with skin on.” So, we pray for God to bring us an earthly mate.
The gripe for love
My search for a spouse turned into a cycle of frustration as I encountered numerous relational struggles and a wife who abandoned me six months into our marriage. I started to wonder if God actually cared about my romantic relationships. Whenever I felt particularly upset about being single, I would sit in my den recliner and gripe to God about the injustice of my social life. Knowing He possessed omnipotent power made it seem logical to expect a wife from Him.
Whenever I demanded that God rush me a spouse, however, He seemed to whisper this question in my heart, “Rob, is the love of Jesus Christ enough for you? Have you allowed My complete forgiveness and unconditional acceptance to satisfy your heart?”
In tears of resignation, I conceded, “I appreciate Your love, Lord, but all I really want is a wife.” I still believed that my heart needed the affection of a person in order to feel complete. In essence, I valued human love more than God’s love.
One day, I began to look back over my life and the numerous dead-end relationships from my past. In each situation, romance had started out with a bang but fizzled under the weight of performance-based love. No matter who I met, either I was too demanding or she couldn’t accept me for who I was.
Suddenly, something clicked within my mind. I thought, “Why am I chasing marriage when it cannot provide the unconditional love that my heart craves? Only Christ offers everything I need.” With this new perspective, I relinquished to God my demand to get married. I still wanted to find a spouse someday, but I no longer considered marriage necessary to complete my life. If I remained single for the rest of my life, that was okay—God promised to fulfill my heart.
When we demand that God bring us a mate, we block His love from enhancing our social life. The anger that we harbor builds a wall between us and Him. If we are honest with ourselves, we realize that our demand for marriage is a refusal of God’s love because we want our selfish desires met. God will never stop loving us, but we ignore Him when we desperately seek a human being to make us happy. Furthermore, whatever we depend upon for our happiness will wind up controlling us. If we believe that we need a human spouse to be satisfied, then people, rather than God, will dictate our lives.
God is in control of everything, but He does not intervene just to make our lives easy. He had no intention of making a woman magically appear and fall in love with me. Instead, God wanted to use His power to mature me into someone who would initiate sacrificial love towards other people. I wanted to get love, while God was teaching me to give love.
The freedom to love
Likewise, God is working in your life to help you meet and love other people. However, you make the final choice as to whom you accept and whom you reject. When you interact with another person, you have the freedom to decide which direction your relationship will take. You can choose to become romantic, just be friends, or end your time together and separate. In addition, the other person has a decision in the matter, which means he can influence the outcome. Consequently, a relationship will not develop unless both of you decide to love each other. On the other hand, if you or the other person make selfish decisions, your relationship may crumble.
The desire for marriage is a fair request, but the consequences of living in a fallen world can prevent people from reaching that goal. For instance, you can pursue someone romantically, but that individual may choose to ignore you, a crisis or illness could hinder you, or that person may decide to leave you. The sins of humanity create numerous barriers to good relationships.
Yet, why is life so hard sometimes? Why doesn’t God use His power to protect us from pain? Actually, God is at work, but in a different way than some of us realize.
God uses His sovereign power to encourage people to love each other, but He also allows us to make selfish choices that can tear us apart. God permits calamity so that we can experience His greatest gift – a free will. Without free will, you and I would be robots or lifeless, stuffed animals. Fortunately, God limits His power to let us make our own choices in life. Does your free will nullify God’s omnipotence? No, as Psalm 37:23 says, “The steps of a man are established by the Lord.” God is so powerful that He can allow you to choose and still work the outcome for His glory.
Why is free will so important? God wants you to enjoy true love, and true love cannot exist without a choice. If you were forced to love God or another person, then love would disappear, and you would be under manipulation. Free will is the key ingredient to true love.
I recognized the importance of this truth when I couldn’t get a date for my junior high school prom. I had asked several girls, but they all turned me down. Four days before the big dance, however, a friend told me about a girl, named Tiffany, who needed a date. Frankly, I wasn’t attracted to her, but I asked her anyway, because she was my only option.
During the prom, Tiffany and I attempted to be cordial, but it became obvious that neither of us had an interest in each other. We didn’t talk during dinner, we didn’t want to dance as the band played, and we didn’t smile as our pictures were taken. Most of the evening, we sat in silence and stared dreamily at the students whom we really liked. Through that ordeal, I learned that love cannot exist unless both parties freely choose to be together.
Therefore, finding an earthly spouse will not occur through demanding God to miraculously bring someone to your doorstep. Marriage is not a predetermined process that happens mysteriously. You will get frustrated if you believe that God mystically pairs people together. If God predetermines marriage, then why doesn’t He stop divorce? Instead, God lets us make the decision to love or the decision to leave.
The choice to love
God brings people across your path and encourages you to love them, but He lets you manage your relational responses. Thus, marriage revolves around deliberately making choices to love another person. You can improve your opportunities for romance by getting out and choosing to sacrificially love people. Or, you can opt for selfish or reclusive behavior and diminish your relational prospects. The quality of your social life hinges on the choices you make.
Does God promise you a spouse? Yes, as the bride of Jesus Christ. Does God promise you an earthly spouse? No, because finding a husband is a process, in which two people decide to sacrifice themselves for each other’s benefit. So, don’t let the goal of earthly marriage control your life. Otherwise, you will become miserable, because you cannot control the future or free will of other people.
God wants your spiritual marriage to be your heart’s primary source of love and acceptance. Earthly relationships are the avenues to express His love to others. The more you love other people, the more you increase opportunities for an intimate relationship to develop. God may not orchestrate a passionate romance on earth, but He promises a life of passion to enjoy with Him.
Questions:
Use the following questions to consider if your desire for marriage has become a demand:
- Am I dating to find someone who can make me feel better about myself?
- Can I feel content and thankful to God in my singleness?
- Am I cynical about relationships with the opposite sex?
- Am I afraid of the possibility of never getting married?
- Is the love of Jesus Christ enough for me?
If your desire for marriage has turned into a demand, find encouragement by meditating on these verses: Philippians 4:6-13; 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below. (The form is under the last comment.)
I feel the same way Elizabeth. I have crossed that line as well. It saddens me, but I am willing to give up my life and wants for the cause. Everyone should watch this show on Singleness by Myles Munroe. Make sure you watch the whole thing which is broken into 6 parts. He is the famous preacher you seen on TV about Kingdom Living and Understanding.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYYhQHq1vrE the first part is boring so start at 7:30 minutes into it.
I should have said “there’s now no turning back” :)
JD, I couldn’t agree more with what you have shared in your post. In the last few years it’s become so clear to me that I do not want to have to choose between fulfilling God’s calling on my life and a man. I want, as you say, a man who supports me in my calling and whose calling I can support. It feels like a very radical place to be, though…like I’ve crossed a line in my walk with God and there’s now now turning back…
I believe there is much confusion because there are two options available…but the option we choose depends so much upon the calling the Lord has for our lives and at times also the level of faith and maturity we walk in. For some people, it is fine to look for a Christian spouse, whether in our local area on on internet dating. But for others who have a specific calling such as foreign missions (me for example), then you may find that every time you try and search for someone you end up frustrated. I can speak for myself that this has been my experience. And so, for those of you who have prayed for years with no results perhaps the reason for no answer is something you never thought of…perhaps you have a calling that you have not fulfilled, and until you step into that calling, the Lord is not going to bring that spouse to you that is right for you. This is because the Lord’s kingdom is more important than us getting a spouse and also if you marry someone who does not support your calling, it is likely that you will not fulfill the calling. It goes along with the scripture (Mt. 6:33) about seeking first the Kingdom. Additionally, another reason that some folks do not find anyone is because their expectations are completely unrealistic. I have found myself guilty of this in the past. One example is a friend I have who is probably 300 lbs and just cannot understand why guys don’t ask her out. It’s so obvious to everyone else, but she just can’t see it…or doesn’t want to see it. We have to be realistic, whether we’re looking for someone ourselves, or whether we’re waiting for the one the Lord will bring. Derek Prince wrote a book called, “God is a Matchmaker” that some may find helpful…but only those who are trusting the Lord to bring someone. I believe this is the best way…but I also believe that if a Christian decides not to wait and to search for themselves, then there is no condemnation, but most likely the person they end up with will not be as good a match as the one the Lord would have brought. Just my opinions, hey, I’m still waiting myself…and I hate it, and am lonely like everyone else.
Other example is God saying king David was a man after God’s own Heart. That is what the psalms are, the HEART OF JESUS. they give you a look at how Jesus felt inside. When David feels betrayed you know what He is thinking when everyone turned on Jesus. It unlocks the mystery of what Jesus felt while He was alive. That is a great Gift from God, to feel what He felt. If you study deeply these songs of Psalms, you can place Jesus is everyone of them, and match them to the 4 gospels. Darn you to try and do this. You will be amazed at it.
Thank yah for your comments. I struggled for years reading the bible, and stayed away from churches, so I didnt get infected with doctrine. The Holy Spirit is our teacher, as the new testament says. Jesus explains clearly if you think of god on earthly terms you can never see the Kingdom, because you are focusing on yourself, and your wants. The Bible is ALL about JESUS, and His Kingdom and Him bringing us back to that Kingdom. It is nothing more than that. Every word in the old testament can be shown is linked to JESUS. Every Psalm is as well, especially seen in Paslm 22 where Jesus is on the cross. Jesus was not abandon by God, but was preaching on the cross what must be done. Remember they asked Jesus to come off the cross, and they would believe. Thats why the thief believe because Jesus was quoting the old testament of this day, and so the thief realized this and knew He was God.
I call the bible 4 ways: Satan’s twisted word to decieved weak minded people coming to God, then there is the History of a Family, and is a History book, then people apply the bible to fit themselves, and how it makes them better human beings while on this earth. I call the the Living skills bible, but this traps you into selfish worldly thinking. The last Bible is thwe SPIRIT Bible and speaks only in the Spirit, and this reveals the hidden meaning through metaphors, symbols, parables, etc. Simpkly put the 10 commandments can not be done away with as many christians believe. But can they?
Look at it like this.
The did not worship God, but Money and themselves
they made idols of themselves called self righteousness
They call Jesus the devil, misusing his name
They rejected the Sabbath, which is Jesus, the rest from your sins.
They didnt honor the Father God, but not honoring the Son. They didnt honor the Mother, the ones who did the will of God, the Prophets before Jesus.
They Murder the Prophets, the Truth, and Jesus as well.
The beared False witness to Jesus claiming He was not God, the Father, the Messiah.
They Covet God’s House, His Wife the Bride Church, and Donkey, the beast of Burden Jesus Christ Himself, They covet the Ox, The servant of the Father, Jesus Christ, by making a religion, and throwing out the Kingdom. They covet the Slaves of Righteouness, the Children of God.
See when you see the 10 commandments in the Spirit it makes more sense, why Jesus came to fulfill the Law. If you do away withthe Law, you are claiming you reject the LAW HIMSELF, which is the KING Jesus. He is the LAW and the JUDGE.
A New Testament version of what I am talking about, is people confusing the Fruits of the Spirit. They take them to mean earthly fruits of Love, and etc. But reread them again and place Jesus in this, and you will see That God’s fruit of Compassion is related to the fact we need a saviour from death that sin will cast us into Hell, if we dont have that Compassion. So in God’s Kindness, He gave us the Pardon through Jesus Christ. His Mercy is enough to Forgive Sins, His gentleness, spoke loving kindness, even at His death, he didnt get hot headed. Through His Long Suffering, of being rejected, and hated, beaten, He won people back to God. He waited patient for God’s will to be carried out by His death on the cross, Which Brought the greatest give Jesus said you can do for your brothers, is to lay down your life for them, which He did. This Joy is in the fact Death has no sting on Him and so is resurrected back to Life. So as the Holy Spirit lives in us, we must have the Fruit of that same Spirit, and be imatators of Christ Jesus, and truly follow Him in all the fruits He gave us. Thats why we must forgive others, and even die for them if need be. That is the Lord’s Supper, to Drink the cup of suffering, which will or might end in Bloodshed, and stay with the Word, the Bread of Life, even if they Broke your flesh (Death). That is the Lord’s supper jesus spoke of, as He said do this in rememberance to Me. So when they hunt you down and kill you, you will have peace of Soul, you are taking part of the Lord’s Supper (The dying for others, being a witness, and Forgiving each other). Many times Jesus tells you, you will suffer for the Kingdom.
Last but least, the Holidays of God are not to be tamper with because it is a 7 step program to be saved, and God’s will to be achieved. They are not days of Worship, but ways to life with God.
The new year Feast of trumpets is about Confession
the Day of Atonement is about Public confession and forgiving others from their wrongs as well.
Tabernacle is choosing Jesus over this World. Surrendering your will over, to do God’s will.
Passover is salvation from your sins, and jesus asking you to carry your cross for others as he did for you. To relaese the bitterness, so you can unlock peoples shame.
Unleavened bread is staying with God even in death, and trying to live right (without Yeast) by the Spirit and not the Flesh (Jesus is not enough, if you donot try to live right. you must do God’s will.)]
First Fruits is Giving your life over to God totally and gathering the harvest of Lost souls.
Pentecost means 50, the year of Jubilee the freeing of all debts and slaves to sin. The Holy Spirit then can live inside you.
She God demanded no hoildays be added or substracted because it messes with God’ program for His will in your life. That is God’s will and it you add holidays like Christmas, it makes you earth bound, so you can not see these truths. To you they become Jewish Holidays, instead of God’s Great Will
people read the bible trying to get something out of it for themselves just like the temple leaders did, and thats why Jesus claimed they are not doing anything what God commanded. The Bible is strickly about Jesus. When you read it, always look for Jesus. Like Joseph and Esther lives are pure examples of Jesus Christ love and salvation plan, which was to come.
Michael, I think you are a good listener as well as an excellent teacher. Your comments are dead on. I like the way you translate the Bible. I have not formally studied the Bible and actually just tryed to apply common sense when reading , however I realize more so now than before from reading comments here; more is required than that. You need the assistance of someone whom is familiar with the “Word”. We can not translate the Bible to mean what we think sounds good for our lives. Credentials are necessary.
I agree with Michael and Jennifer on how important it is to be authentic as well as honest about being imperfect. I actually think it’s even kind of liberating to come to terms with accepting the reality of your weaknesses. In the Bible, God often uses the most weak, failed, and flawed people to illustrate what He can do.
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words, Michael and Jennifer.
JMac that is wonderful advice and it’s amazing how God can teach us new things every day, so thank you for sharing! It makes total sense too – how when we thank God for what we ask for instead of just continually asking, our focus changes and so does our relationship with Him. I love what you said about looking around every corner with eager anticipation – yes! Each day and each moment we should be full of that anticipation for what God will bring in our path… He can use us in so many ways for His Kingdom and bless us beyond our expectations. I pray the woman you met is the one that the Lord has been so lovingly preparing for you!
“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” – Mark 11:22-24
“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” – Matthew 7:11
And Michael, I love what you wrote here: “A saint isn’t someone who is perfect, but a person who knows they mess up and willing to admit it, and try again harder next time.” Exactly! That is the hallmark of a true Christian! The more our relationship with God grows, the more we know how much we need a Saviour. Being authentic is not only attractive but it’s necessary if we are to truly represent Him. I agree, we cannot pretend to be perfect – if we are not being real then why bother! If we are only pretending then our relationships will suffer in the long-run…. and also non-Christians are constantly looking and watching and assessing – and can sniff out a phoney in an instant! We need to share our weaknesses to not only encourage others but to dispel the myth that Christians think they are perfect and then be later mislabelled as judgemental because we try to gently point out their sin and need for Christ.
We can’t give up hope, Elizabeth! The Lord’s plan either includes a Godly husband in our futures or it doesn’t… but if it does, He is counting on us to do our part and have faith. The enemy wants nothing more than to weaken our already heavy hearts to the point where we sabotage God’s plan by giving up or settling for someone that we know is not God’s best for us. If God doesn’t have anyone in our future to marry, He will in His most loving and gracious way change our hearts or use our suffering for a greater good, in which case we would then count ourselves blessed to be used by God Himself for such a noble purpose. A part of me wishes I knew if I would be married or not, and it is so hard when my heart is full of so much love and tenderness and I just want to share it with a man and be in love and raise a family. And I know He made me this way so of course I wonder why hasn’t He planned for me to share that with a Godly man yet. But a part of me doesn’t want to know, because if I knew I would not marry then I would have to give up hope, and we can never give up hope! It is so intimately tied in with our faith and trust in God. We know He loves us, right? So He WILL provide, one way or the other. Let’s instead thank Him as JMac mentioned, prepare our hearts for the husband He is preparing for us and be filled with joy as we know our prayers will be heard and answered – all in God’s perfect time.
Also, I’m finding the more I thank God for my wife, instead of asking Him for her, the more I’m able to move my focus to God, and who He is, and less on what I’m asking for from God. Interesting mental shift taking place in terms of focus. Now, I’m just looking around every corner with eager anticipation to see what God will do next. I think God takes pleasure in surprising us with the unexpected, so I’m also trying to not figure things out on my own anymore. Just leading the Holy Spirit lead wherever He wants to take me.
Lastly, someone said a mistake many people make is praying to Jesus, when we should really be praying to the Father directly, then claiming authority in Jesus’ name.
I’ve been encouraged recently by the story of Rebekah in Genesis 24 and God leading Abraham’s servant to find a wife for Isaac.
I’ve also been seeing God work in the past couple weeks as I’ve stopped petitioning God for a new wife, and simply started thanking Him for her believing He has already provided. Thanking the Father for every detail that He has designed and imagined for who she is and who she is becoming. Thanking Him for our first meeting, our first conversation, our first embrace, for our marriage… all in faith. Then putting faith into action by going out and buying a couple cards to give her. May even buy her a toothbrush to put next to mine. Make room in my closet. Anything to put faith into action.
I believe it’s already working. I may have just met my wife last night! Thrilled to see what God does next.
God isn’t asking you to be sin free Elizabeth, but asking you to confess that you mess up and at least try to do what is right. Romans 7 speaks this clearly. Even Paul knew he was a screw up. Thats what makes a person a saint. A saint isnt someone who is perfect, but a person who knows they mess up and willing to admit it, and try again harder next time.
Elizabeth, a good man, is someone who can see your heart, and knows you are 1/2 home, in admitting your failures. Men cant stand when women act like goddesses and claim they never do anything wrong, including farting. We are all human and make mistakes, and so we must carry the burdens of others, and carry ou cross for them. We must be imatators of Christ Jesus.
Me, I would love a woman who can admit her faults and at least tries. I am not asking for prefect, but a humble spirit. Not looking for someone who has it all together as they think (What Pride). I am looking for a screwed up woman willing to work with me to be better people. As long as she is trying, I would forgive anything, if she really was sorry for it. Thats what makes us saints, is when we put on the likeness of Christ our teacher, and forgive as He first forgave us. Then we all can not hold our heads in shame, but lift ourheads with thankgiving that someone can love you even when you are the biggest messed up person you know.
Jmac and Jennifer, I appreciate both of your perspectives. And, I can relate to people on here who wonder why God wouldn’t, in His sovereignty, choose to bring them someone to love. Being single can be painful and a form of suffering, I think. This is even the case when we choose to live full, God-honouring, and other-centred lives. Rationally I know that I am available to be used by God in ways which wouldn’t be the case if I were married and that everything He ordains is right. But emotionally it is tough. At this point,at the ripe old age of 38, I am all too aware of my flaws and brokenness and cannot help but wonder when/whether I will ever be “sin free” enough to make a good wife to a good man.
Jennifer, it was not your letter Jennifer. It was send to my email that someone commented on here, but I wrote that comment I noticed your name was Jennifer too, so there was two Jennifers. Not sure where her letter went.
Michael, my post in no way references the things you mentioned so I will assume another Jennifer posted a reply and it was subsequently deleted. My post begins with “Thanks for your insightful article Rob”….
JMac, thanks for your response and honest questions. But in all honesty I think your question is a bit crazy! For in essence it is asking can we love God too much. How is that even possible? Being in love with and on fire for God is very different than living in a fanatical and completely non-biblical way. The two are not related whatsoever so one cannot be automatically derived from the other.
My opinion about idolatry and what that means in reality is simple. Idolatry occurs when we value anything more than we value God. If God is not first place in your heart then something else is and that makes that thing an idol, be it a person, a job, money, lust, your hair or whatever occupies the mind and heart the most. Jesus knows our hearts so we don’t have to measure the time spent with others to somehow prove to Him that we are sincerely His – He knows everything about us, including whether we truly love Him or if we are more in love with a romantic relationship or a car or a big house or anything else in this world. We are not bound by such burdensome requirements to actually measure our time, that would be an extreme for sure and it’s totally unnecessary! God is omniscient and that should never be doubted or underestimated for Jesus knows us – every detail, every thought and every crevice of our heart.
But the great thing about having a relationship with God is that He will guide you and show you any areas that need examining if in fact you might be putting something above Him and are not sure. If anyone seeks Him earnestly with a humble and teachable spirit He will change you by the power of the Holy Spirit. If someone is not truly seeking God or a relationship with Him and does not read the Word as it is written, but interprets it incorrectly and thus operates in ways that oppose God’s instruction, then I would say there are much bigger things to be concerned with other than stepping on ants or attending funerals!
And Michael, I absolutely agree with you – God is extreme and Jesus is King! For anyone reading this who does not know Jesus as Lord please I pray you earnestly seek Him and pray to God and ask Him to open your heart, for our Lord reigns, He rules, He is supreme and Jesus is the ONLY way to heaven!
And again, some encouragement to all of us single Christians, we are TRULY loved – by God Himself! We are set apart, holy and dearly loved. And we may not see His entire plan but we can trust it. One day at a time! One day we will be with our King, and none of this will matter. Until then, let us shine like the lights we are for we represent God, and let His love overflow out of our Spirit-filled hearts to reach those who may be married and yet still suffer because they do not know His love.
not sure where that letter went, that was sent to my email. but it was from a JENNIFER. I dont see it now on this page. So if you are confused, I guess it got deleted.
wow Jenn, you sound just like king Saul talking to Samuel. As the battle was over, Samuel came to him asking Saul why didnt Saul do what God said, and Saul said he did, but Saul didnt do what God said to do, Saul did what he thought God wanted him to do, so Saul wasnt fit for the Kingdom, which Samuel said God has tore from him that day.
Make God an idol? I think you could of word that better but I see what you are saying. God is never an idol, and sure some people go overboard like people who kill abortion doctors protecting lives. it is both wrong in God’s eye.
But if God ask you to do something, He is a King so we must do it. I believe people mix their emotions, and they call that God’s will, but thats where trouble starts. God’s will is simply written down. The bible is the King;s decree. You dont get a choice to make up your on mind what the King is saying. That is called self righteousness, and disobeying what the King decrees says. You need to be very carefull what you are saying.
Take God to the extreme? have you ever read where Jesus says if you do not leave or hate your, father, mother, wife, children and even yourself more than God, than you are not fit for the Kingdom of God. Let the dead bury your dead parents. Anyone who looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of Heaven. God is very extreme, and sure His mercy and love is wonderful, but it doesnt give you the right to make up rules, and start breaking God’s rules. Jesus is still a King, the last time I checked.
You better becareful what you say, for Jesus warn us to preach HIS gospel, not yours or anyone elses who seems like they have it all together. Jesus’ Gospel he asked for you to preach is the KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, which states only the ones who do the WILL of the Father will enter that KINGDOM, not people who call JESUS LORD LORD.
@Jennifer
I appreciate your thoughts. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. I’m struck by your comments that God should “take first place in our hearts and minds.” That if another relationship is “equally important” or “sharing first place” then it is idolatry. Let’s explore this idea, as I’ve heard it before.
What does that actually mean, in reality? If we meet someone special and fall head over heels in love with them, does that mean we have to feel a little less love in them, then how we feel about God? Does that mean if we were to takes notes of our hours in a day spent thinking about our special someone, they should add up to a less hours than we spend thinking about God? Are we even built as human beings to work like that? Should we be keeping track? Can we compartmentalize our relationships such that our feelings and thoughts are purposefully divided and weighed out like that? Or put another way, does that mean when we fall in love with another person, we have to somehow fall more in love with God, so we don’t commit idolatry?
I think love is much more dynamic then that. When you first fall in love with someone, you are infatuated. Same thing happened for me when I first got saved. But as time passes, infatuation turns into deeper appreciation. As you get to know someone, you learn more about them that you can appreciate. How can you even compare “how much you love” more? Particularly if they occur at different stages of love.
Here’s a crazy question. Can you make your “love” or “commitment” to God an idol? What I mean by that is, can you actually set your focus on God with such fervency, that you can no longer see who God is or what He wants for you or others? I think the Westboro Baptist Church is a perfect example of that. They are the wackadoodles who protest funerals and hold up hate-filled signs that says all the things that God hates. Their “devotion” to God has caused them to miss out on who God really is and what He really wants for them.
I think one of the important things the Bible teaches is moderation and balance. And to love God is to obey His commands, but we shouldn’t take ANY command to the extreme. The Bible says “thou shall not kill”. But does that mean you should walk along the sidewalk with a magnifying glass so as to be sure to step over ants so you don’t step on them? Of course not. However, the Bible says to not fornicate. So, if your loved one wants to cross that line, it is then that your love for God (and your loved one) should rule your choice by putting God’s command first, and obeying God.
In spite of who you think you “love more”, ultimately to love God, and to love a person, is to obey God’s commands first and foremost. And in reality, I think that is what matters most.
And also, my dear brothers and sisters in Christ, His Word shows us how He feels about our pain and it also promises comfort during our times of intense suffering. We can always trust His Word! He DOES care.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” – Mat 5:3-4
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Mat 11:28-29
“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” – Psalm 51: 17
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.” – John 14:1
Let us cry out to our Lord and speak honestly to Him!
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:26
“Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.” – Psalm 86:11
“I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.” – Psalm 119:10
And remember…
“Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Cor 4:16-17
“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” – Heb 12:2-3
And here are a few quotes that I have found comforting and insightful:
Vital is the relation between earthly sorrow and eternal satisfaction. The travail to which God’s saints are subjected results in the birth of nobler natures and more sanctified spirits. Pain always promotes progress, and suffering invariably ensures success. – John McClellan Holmes
Oh, look not at thy pains or sorrows, how great soever; but look from them, look off them, look beyond them, to the Deliverer, whose power is over them, and whose loving, wise, and tender spirit is able to do thee good by them! – Isaac Penington
To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet. – Charles Caleb Colton
I walked a mile with Pleasure,
She chattered all the way;
But left me none the wiser,
For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me!
– Robert Browning Hamilton, Along the Road
Thanks for your insightful article Rob and also to everyone else who posted their true and honest feelings about singleness. I agree with Rob about putting God first and although I also agree with JMac’s position of having both human companionship and a relationship with God, ultimately one must take priority over the other. God should always be first place in our hearts and in our minds and if they are equally important then we are not putting God first but are actually sharing first place with something else, which is idolatry. God will do anything He needs to do in order to capture our whole hearts. As single people let us not forget that the greatest love story ever told is the love story between us and God. Remember what He has done to recapture the hearts of the people of Israel! Yes, the struggle is hard when our loneliness and desire for a Godly mate weighs on our shoulders and it’s almost unbearable when we think of the years to come being alone… but it is only in times of true suffering that we HAVE to surrender our hearts to Him because otherwise they would burst with pain. What if He is waiting until we fall in love with Him, totally and completely, without wondering anymore why He hasn’t blessed us with this or that? It’s not to say we should be pretend that we are happy being alone, but let us reserve first place in our hearts for God, and let everything else fall underneath Him. Only in His strength and love can we find peace and true joy. Yes, He created us with these desires but His promise to us is to not give us what we want when we want it – but to love Him with our whole hearts – and then, and only then will He give us the desire of our hearts, which could mean that He changes the things we crave for.
Sometimes I think of the time and energy I commit to prayer and my questions to God about why I am not blessed in this area when SO MANY others are. Even last night I prayed for God to just take away my desire for a husband so I can focus on Him and Him alone, and be done with this longing for good! But then if we lose our capacity to feel pain we lose a commonality with God. Jesus loved, Jesus suffered and Jesus cried. It’s comforting to know He knows what we go through but the most precious thing about our Lord is His heart!!! He loves, He longs for us, He died for us! Of course He wants more time with us, and of course He wants to bless us – but the thing He wants the most is eternity with us, and He will do anything to capture our whole hearts so that we can join Him as bride in an authentic, all-encompassing, all-consuming relationship. Why would He want to share us? What if we are standing in the way of the blessing He longs to give us? Or maybe we are just too valuable to His plan if we are married. Perhaps it could be we have things to work on and only in our singleness can we achieve these things, but whatever the reason, we must trust Him. Just simple and plain trust as children trust. We don’t know why, oh Lord… but we know You know everything. You know our hearts, You know our struggles and our pain. You see our tears and promise to wipe them all away one day. Nothing is more important than You, so help us count any sacrifice of our hearts as a demonstration of our love and devotion to You. And if You must have us wait, then fill our hearts with sincere joy in serving You until Your blessing arrives and help us to be patient. If we will never marry, then use our pain to fuel our walk with You and keep us from becoming bitter and reveal more of Yourself to us so we can understand why we must walk this path. Lord, please bless everyone reading this and every soul who craves to experience true Christian love in a marriage. That’s all we desire Lord, is to have a mate who also loves You so we can serve You together, supporting each other so we can be effective for Your Kingdom. And only You can make a beautiful love story like that happen – so help us to stop trying and just learn how to live in a love relationship with You and keep our eyes on eternity while we serve You. We surrender, Lord. There is nothing left for us to do, but surrender and bow to Your holiness. Our future on earth is a story yet to unfold – but we can confidently move ahead knowing that whatever it is that You have for us to endure, it has a purpose, if it is for a season or for a lifetime. We ask for your forgiveness for putting anything above You and also ask us to see more of You in our daily lives and help us to cultivate the relationship we desire to have with You. We ask all this in Your precious Son Jesus’ name, Amen.
As a single person, I empathize with the people commenting here. I think the author Rob is out of touch with reality. Just because you desire a spouse to love and partner with in life, and are not content without that, does not mean that you “value human love more than God’s love”. It just means you value both. It just means God designed this desire in our humanity, and it’s supplemental to God’s relationship to meet our human needs while we are in human form, needs such as human embrace and conversation.
I’ll be honest here. If I was single for the rest of my life, I would NOT be content with only God’s love and relationship, while in this world as a human being. In heaven sure, here no. It’s just not the way God made me. I desire both right now, I need both to truly live fully here.
Any theologian who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves. I double dog dare Rob or any other theologian with his views to go live alone on a remote island for the rest of their lives with nothing but their Bible and see if they are satisfied.
You know why they won’t do that? Because God designed us for human companionship and intimacy, in addition to a relationship with Him.
It’s not either/or. It’s both.
The real reason we are still single is simple. We have a relative idea of our social value on a scale of 1-10. And we’re holding out for the highest number we can get, instead of settling for someone of our same or lower social standing. We’re holding out for more. There is even a famous scientific experiment where random people are given numbers 1-10 and instructed to try and get the highest number they could. Anyhow, I know I’ve turned down two fantastic opportunities because I thought I could do a little better. Boy, I would give anything to go back and embrace those opportunities now.
this why I don’t go to a building called Church. Paul was right, the church is a place for demons to dwell. Surely there is a familiar spirit on this page. A Pharisee among the bunch of chatters. Where did you get your teaching? God told you what? your claiming God speaks to you?
Wow the same things the Temple leaders said to Jesus.
When you speak the real truth, surely a familiar spirit will attack it, just like someone did. What! are you afraid of the truth, that God never was taking about marriage of the flesh. Paul says to put aside the flesh and live by the Spirit. Ever read the old testament? adultery is always when Israel or Judah cheated on God.
The Man (Jesus) will be biten by the Serpent (Killed on the Cross) but the Man (Jesus) will crush the Serpent’s Head (satan’s Kingdom). Wake up sleepers. The Bible is a word of the Spirit, not literally speaking. If you read the old testament you would know Marriage, Divorce, adultery is all about God and His people. If you divorce God, how can you be saved? Thats why God didn’t want you to divorce, but he gave Moses the free will to choose at the golden calf, because you are stiff-necked people and want your own ways and own truths, that deal with this world. So when they choosed sides, then God commandment Moses to kill the idol worshipers. They where married in a contract to God, but committed adultery with Molech the golden Calf. Then they divorced God, and God killed them. I am outta here. I am not wasting time with familiar spirits and Pharisees.
How you all speak love and what it is between you and someone of the opposite sex (assuming), but for each it can be different things, it can be security, companionship, even just a kind word once and a while. But for the love of God it has only the descrition given in the bible. You dont get to create your own type of Love for God; it’s all identified. None of us could give that to a human or any object. Would you really worship a human?
Geneis 218 rob
Did Jesus whisper that or you assume he did or concluded he did
Rob – I don’t believe Jesus whispered ur opinion in ur ear lol
Travis and Sarah
Read that line in the Spirit and it will make more sense.
The Man (Jesus) will leave His Father (God) and Mother (The will of the Father)and cling to His wife (The Believer) and the Two shall become one (Holy Spirit; Emmanuel ‘God with us’). We are in Jesus as Jesus is inside of us. Jesus is in the Father, and the Father is in Jesus, so That Holy Spirit is the God in us, by the Holy Marriage to Jesus. We shall not commit adultery to God, by serving our flesh desires, but we are submissive slaves to righteousness. As a Wife is submissive to the husband. The verse has nothing to do with flesh marriage, but a Holy marriage. We must conduct our lives by the Spirit of God, for when God made man, He said let US, place OUR spirit into man. That us and our, is by the Spirit of God’s Children, the sons of God. Jesus isn’t the only son, He is the only Son, who was seeded by God directly as to be Human, making Him God in the flesh. The 1st Chapter of John delcares we are born not by Man but by God, and Jesus is that God, which is the HEAD, of the family, the church, like the father and husband is the head of the household. Just a thought about marriage
Hi Sarah,
To be honest, it had occurred to me that God might be referring to something
other than marriage in verse 18 of Genesis 2, but considered in context the
verse can only be referring to marriage. After-all, God did not create another
man to resolve the issue stated in verse 18. He created a woman, brought her to
the man and then extrapolated that pattern to cover the entire human race in
verse 24, “for this reason a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to
his wife.” I believe context is the key here, God establishes what is ‘not good’ and then provides the solution to it.
I would agree with you that some verses in the Bible do describe a more general
type of human relationship as part of God’s design. For example, You might make
the case that Ecclesiastes 4:12 is about God’s design for friendship, family and
brotherly love when it states, “And if one prevail against him, two shall
withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
Nothing wrong with developing theories based on the evidence but I believe we do
ourselves a disservice unless those theories are solidly based on a literal
contextual interpretation of the Word of God.
Anyhow, congratulations on learning how to trust Him. I wish you only the best of success in that.
Sincerely,
Travis
@bitscraper:
why would God be so one dementional that the verse in Genesis refering to it not being good for a man to be alone…having to refer only to marriage?
did it ever occur to you that maybe God was talking about it not being good for a MAN to be alone……meaning only the MAN….
what about the theory (which I think is much closerto the truth) that when God said that, He was refering NOT JUST TO MARRIAGE and not as a command for every single human to be married, but to refer the need everyone innately has for relationships in general….meaning friendships, family AND love relationships…..
When I wrote that comment, it was a bad day…..sometimes I have those…but God is incredibly patient with me…..
I’m healing and learning how to trust Him more for what He wants to do in my life……
that’s what we all need to do….
SER
Thank you Sharon. I respect what you are saying. It was funny I got busy writing about the 10 commandments and the prophcies about Jesus in them. and the 7 holidays of God, which is really a lesson for your life, to achieve God’s will. If I had an email address i would send it to you, or you can read it off my blog http://www.myspace.com/543088563 I know I am blessed, and God is working it in me, to be content, and to stay focus on the gathering of the harvest. Being alone sucks, but God is pointing it out, is it better to have a wife, or better that people may come to God and be saved? I know I am not called to be worldly, so I repent, and will do as God ask me to do. Thanks again Sharon. Please read my blogs, it will surely bless you if you do.
@ Michael
Like I mentioned in my last post, what are you doing with your time? I know from experience that if you have too much time on your hands, you have a tendency to obsess about things in your life that you shouldn’t. If you’re not involved in church, do it. If you’re bored in your career, take some extra classes to make things more exciting.
God knows your frustration and He wants you to vent to Him. I have my moments where I ask God “why me” and I get the same answer always – “walk by faith and not by sight. Things are not as bad as they seem.” It seems like your life sucks right now but has it ever occurred to you that God may be fixing your future wife up for you right now? Would you rather have her shaped as God would have her or would you want her in tatters spiritually? Think about that. Plus, you need to get your spiritual life right first because you are a bit of a mess. Desperation is an unattractive quality and God does not want you to be that way. Don’t forget that women are very intuitive and we can pick up desperation and overeagerness.
I know you feel old and are ready to start a family but you need to take all that pain and impatience and lay it at the foot of the Cross. Jesus took all your pain and suffering on the Cross so you shouldn’t let it get you down. Remember what He said, “let not your heart be troubled”. I know I’m still somewhat young but I used to be like you. You know what I did, I got busy. You also need to become more of a prayer warrior. Maybe you are not talking to God enough. Try asking Him what He wants you to do and not what He can give you(a wife). Pray man, just pray and not those selfish prayers either because those will get you nowhere.
This may sound harsh but I’m speaking from experience. Be blessed! :)
Sharon, I totally agree with most what you are saying. actually I agree with all of most of the postive things people are saying here. I am 42 this August, and so my time to be married is almost over. Sure Moses was 80 when God called him, and Sarah had a child in her 90′s. But reality, I am not Sarah or Moses, I am Michael and messed up in life. I do try to live right, but it is Paul who said ‘If you are wanting to get married, then do so, so you dont burn with lust. God didnt call me to be a monk, if He did I wouldnt be writing this letter at all. So I know I should be married. Plus it is a sin to not have sex with spouse because you are leading that person to cheat. But I say to God, if you don’t give the wife, when a person burns with the passion of being married, then you are leading that person to sin. To commit sex before marriage. So in reality, when I fall into sin, it is a reflection on God when people look at my sin. Same as David said. If David fails, then who will listen to God. So I fall into sin, and my whole message is lost. No I dont mean God is leaading me to sin, but I am being so consumed with the subject that I can not barely focus. I just so angry, that I am being called to be a late bloomer. I know it is a gift and a blessing, but it really doesnt feel like it. Wow what will I be an old man who can not get it up, before I get married, and my wife will be barren. Then whats the point of marriage in the first place, if you cant have a family. I want a companion, not a sex slave, so dont think I am saying thats what I want, just pointing out basic facts. I sure dont want to be taking care of children when I am 60 years old. It sure didnt seem Abraham spent much time with his children but let maid servants care for them. I dont have that luxury and nor is that any fun or joy. I know I am a little bitter about it, but God could of reduce the passion in me, so I could do what is needed, and then give me the passion for a wife when He does allow it. No! I spent half my life consumed with WHY am I been cursed, and evil men are being blessed daily with great wife and wonderful children. then the devil rubbs it in my face daily. All I keep hearing is Jesus saying “Michael the harvest is ready for picking, but their are few harvesters. So I am taking you at your word you love me more than your life and you will be a harvester for me.” Thats great, I get n0thing in this life and evil doers get everything. I sound like the bitter son from the prodigal son parable. and the Father saying all i have is yours, be happy your brother is saved. But when did the bitter son get anything? He still didnt get a party. He still got left out. What? he has to wait for the father to die? The father might be 120 years old before that happen, and so the bitter son will be to old for any joy. Then I hear Jesus say “We are not called to live like this world, but called to do God’s will.” That just fills my heart with Hope that he will ever bless me with a wife. Sorry I am being sarcastic, but I am suppose to suffer for my brothers and give up my life for them, but when and where do they give up something as well. God has reduce me down to nothing, because I follow Him. I feel like JOB in the Bible. its like wishing for a toy as a kid and never getting it, and then at 55 years old, you get that toy. LOL whats the point in that? Why give me a wife when I am to old to enjoy her. Maybe I am bitter, but if I wait much longer and then God gives me a wife, I dont think I will even care about her. I will be to bitter it took so long. I really Love God, and I really feel bad saying what I am saying, but it is at least honest. But, in my heart, I am suppose to forget my self, and think of others. So hard when God is forgetting about you. I know thats not true, but it sure feels like it, sometimes. I follow God and made into a laughing stock. People daily call me foolish for waiting on God, people calling me a fool for trusting Him. I do trust Him, but it doesnt make me feel beter knowing God will wait for the last second before something ever happens. Why must I have FAITH to trust, when others simply have a platter served to them, and they curse God daily. Michael
@ Michael
Michael I feel ya. I know you desire someone and so do I but I also know that I have things to do before I can get married. I’m still trying to get my career where I want it, my credit needs to be straightened out, and I’m not ready to give up living alone. By the way, I’m 30 and still a virgin so imagine my issues from time to time.
Do you have your life in order? Do you have money in the bank? Do you have a great job? Are you happy with yourself? Is your relationship with Jesus the way it is supposed to be? There are so many factors that God may see as reasons to keep you single for the time being. Remember, He does not think like we do. Also remember God may not come when you want Him to but He is always on time. God’s timing is not the same as yours. You may think it’s a good time for you to be married but God may not think so. Maybe there is something you need to do for Him first. Ask Him if there is anything you need to be doing with your life before that beautiful woman comes. Trust me, she will be worth the wait. I’m sure you would rather have the perfect woman for you rather than settling for someone who isn’t right in the long run. As humans, we tend to be someone else in the beginning of the relationship and then we change into our real selves. That can end in disaster. The one thing He doesn’t want for you is to have unnecessary stress and unhappiness in your marriage. He sure as heck doesn’t want you to get divorced.
So think about those things. I’m also very glad you are being selective about who you bring into your life. Golddigging, contemptable women don’t need to be in your life.
I am at the point of my life, I agree with what you are saying, but who wants to be alone in life? I spent many years alone living in the woods, and It was exciting at first, but it isnt fun without sharing it with someone close. My family always think I am silly, and they say ‘Are we not enough, to make you happy? I get so upset with that question. HAPPY? I just dont want to share life without a special someone. God this and family that. Come on, God is always enough, but it is God that gave me the heart to be with someone. I didnt place it there. Frankly I am burned out looking for a mate, but I am frustrated without someone of my flesh. Even God had enough sense to see Adam was alone, and said ‘it’s not good for man to be alone’. Somedays I feel it be better if i hurt my privates, into a sexual lobotamy so I cant have any desire anymore. Why cant God just take the desires away from me. He surely controlled the Pharoah’s heart in Moses’ day, so why not control mine, and just make me forget I am human and have animal desires to be with a mate? Nice letter, but I am not buying it. The ‘oh it will happen when you least expect it” is such bull as well. the only women who come near me, are abusers, and takers, looking for easy prey. So that doesnt work at all. False Hope.
@VCE, I wouldn’t call ‘singleness’ the gift. I think ‘singleness’ is a result of the fall. If I am rightly dividing God’s Word I would consider the gift to be a reduction or complete elimination of the drive to be married. It is as if God intended all to be married but in grace after the fall He provided a numbing of that burn/drive for some individuals whom He foreknew would not find/obtain their spouse. To my understanding that best balances the teachings of Moses with the teachings of Paul.
I need someone to explain to me how singleness is a “gift”? To me it seems like everyone’s default status, until they are blessed (or not blessed) with a wife/husband.
bitscraper, thank you for your comments, it seems like we fundamentally agree, that for most people, marriage is what God prefers. As per Paul’s comments (and since Paul wasn’t married and seems to have no intention to marry) it seems that (like many things that have changed after the fall) there is no universal command that everyone should get married. (1 Cor 7:27) Some have been given the “gift” of singleness, which is certainly a mixed blessing … though I suppose that marriage too is a mixed blessing at times, as Paul even noted in our 1 Cor passage v28: “those who marry will face many troubles in this life.”
Others do not have the gift of singleness but just haven’t found a compatible person yet, so we should be extra careful to not make them feel inferior just because they haven’t gotten married yet.
A helpful (short) resource is “What does the Bible say about a Christian staying single?” at gotquestions.org.
@Darren. I would like to respectfully disagree with your assessment of the Corinthians passage. I think in light of Gen 2:18, “It is not good for man to be alone,” that God’s original position on marriage is that all be married, otherwise verse 24 “For this reason a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife”, would make no sense as Adam had no mother. I believe Paul’s recommendation that the unmarried stay unmarried is premised on the condition noted in 1 Cor 7:7, “For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.” The gift of celibacy then must be viewed in essence as a gift of numbness. Numbness to the burning that would otherwise be felt by a Christian for whom the fallen world has precluded marriage. Granted there may be cases in which those without the gift of celibacy have gone spouseless all their earthly lives, the foremost of which I believe would be our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. This is a fallen world and so some things are not as God would have them but we must be careful to view His gifts in their proper context: Celibacy was only given after the fall, Marriage from the beginning.
Friends, while I’m glad for those who have found a spouse and are in a godly relationship, I don’t think God expects, let alone requires, everyone to get married. Read 1 Corinthians 7 and let me know what you think.
Paul’s final advice to single people (and widows) in that passage is this: “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (1 Cor 7:8-9) It seems pretty clear: Many (probably most) should marry, but not all. (Like Paul himself who was not married.)
I actually think it’s dangerous to suggest that everyone should be married; it implies that if someone isn’t married yet (or has no desire to be married) that there is something wrong with them, or that they are denying God’s will. This can be very hurtful, so in light of Paul’s teaching above, I think we should at be patient and supportive of those who are single, both due to their own choice and due to just not finding the right person yet. The latter group especially needs kind support from their community rather than insistence that they need to get married because God wills everyone to be married (which He does not).
The bible says that God planned each day of our lives while we were formed in our mothers womb. Doesn’t that mean he planned every detail like the person we would marry some day.
Some one said SOME marriages are “made in heaven”. Why would God choose mates for some and not for the others. That’s not the character of our Heavenly father. He wants His will and best for all of us.
@Im, I’m sorry to hear how you have suffered especially if you were unable to trust Christ thru it all. I have had many of the same thoughts you have at 4o years old myself. All I can say that might help is Abraham was 99 when God provided the promised son to him. You still have life remaining, use it to trust God. Also, when Christ waited two days to raise Lazarus it was not good that Lazarus (or any man) should die but God allowed it because of a greater good and in the end Lazarus received his life back (John 11).
I do not understand something. Being a born again Christian and walking with GOD for years. I was 32 when I became a widow with two small children. I had a better relationship with the Lord then the spouse. Trust me it was NOT a good marriage and one I think would not qualify in Gods eyes. Well he died in 93. So, for the last 17 years I have prayed, cried, heard every way to pray possible, made list, etc. and all for what? NOTHING EVER CAME OF IT.
On my 40th bd I cried and cried cause I thought GOD forgot about me. (I know he cares about me) BUT….I think this is one area of my life where he is just not going to bring someone. I will be 50 in August and Wow~I can honestly say raising two kids alone and all I have never, ever, known a good relationship with a guy and now looks like I won’t. I never thought I would be single 17 yrs., after he died. I prayed so many years and had many others pray throughout the years. My loving grandma, (she is now gone), my dad (he is gone) and friends. NOTHING, NOPE, NADA. Still alone. Now this is depressing. I have tried practically every singles site on the net. Went to singles groups/dances/nope. Nothing. What hurts the most is when you still try and have hope and people (Christians too) say to your face well maybe GOD doesn’t want you to be with someone. You don’t think that hasn’t crossed my mind in 17 years?
That is the biggest fear. Now it is like I will be 50. Don’t want to die alone, and don’t want to without ever at least trying to have some kind of love here on this earth. I don’t know. you know I pray and ask GOD a lot why I can’t have someone. What did I do? Why do other people get married, get a divorce, (not even end the marriage in death-like mine did) and a year or two later they meet someone. 17 years. Come on. This is something GOD could do in a day. Send the right person. Has he no. Not in all these years he has not. Most men just interested in sex and yes even at my age. The bible says the thing you fear has come upon you. Well, I see that as I fear of being alone and now it looks like I am. Don’t understand why I cannot know a good relationship with an earthly person but um ok. Just makes it hard when you do read in Gen. 2 where it does say it is not good for man to be alone. or I will make a helper suitable for him. I have had people tell me write what I want and pray over it. Have done that too. NOTHING. Wow~! 17 years alone. Never ever would have thought it. Do I still hope to meet someone yes. Is it likely I will. Not at this point. :(
NOTE:I get caught up in how eloquent I can sound, but this is the big
issue in my life, so I think I can help. To avoid growing my ego, just
say “thanks” if it helped.
This is something of interest to me. I’ve tried to read into the whole
issue with every scripture to find the most dismal (“I will make him a help-
meet for him” can be twisted to say, “I will make him all he needs for him-
self”), and you know how your mind can be willing to just take the absolute
most bitter interpretation or, you can look at the same scripture and use
it as a promise of God.
In this issue, the classic marriage is so dear to our hearts that I think
we are so quick to either say “It will never happen, after all, ALL IS
VANITY, so let’s just go Fear God” where “fear god” means a dull “christian”
(nothing is dull about Christ btw) life that will never involve the “one”.
Or we go on a really crazy note and believe that God will microengineer
almost to the atomic level all the steps needed to precisely cause an
encounter with our dream love and the chemistry to make it red hot, whether
or not we go the way of “Of course I’m looking towards God first” to “God
will have mercy on my pain”.
Remember, I guarantee that your key verse which God used to faith your
strength in this matter is unknown to the other guy whose faith in whatever
promise of a spouse is sealed except when confronted with your verse that
strengthens your own “yea” or “nay” acceptance.
I think the biggest challenge this side of this world and its entire history
of flesh man, is that we either want to just go on with our lives, being
neither yea or nay, BUT NO, we find that there is no way to put away the
pain and sweep it under the rug, unless we are obviously blessed to put
that much Faith in Him. But I say, having some interest in all things from
here to eternity, that is a gap that is crossed near the last, and I think
it is the central issue.
And sex. Yes, there is the fear that the right world, is one of no sex,
where the grand lesson (and I pray God cleanse me if this is a case of
spreading doctrine, while I am no preacher, it is just my conviction)
is to accept a world like that now, and usher yourself into the last days
having dealt with the ace in the hole.
And then what is left for you? Pray for an Elijah exit since the one thing
that drove your passions to find a mate has been taken out of the picture.
The most dismal time in my life spiritually, was searching for such a thing.
The sex organs I believe are one of those great mysteries, and let the days
coming, and Revelation, be an unfolding of whether or not God will let man
and wife be in the next world.
Let your faith drive you strong, and as for me, I wrestle, but I tell you
that my hope is in doing the first things, and all else WILL be added to
me. Let that which is added be for his glory, if it be wife, or nothing.
Let this text be for simple encouragement. I only write under severe prodding. Thanks.
This is the dumbest thing I have EVER read! This is YOUR interpretation of scripture and God’s will for us. You can’t possibly know what lies ahead in each person’s life. Don’t use your bad luck in love to predict someone else’s future experiences in love. I do believe God guides mates together. I do believe certain marriages are “made in heaven”. Even though we have the right to choose our friends and relationships, God still has a hand in the people he places in our paths. Perhaps YOU were not meant to be married in this life, but you cannot make generalizations that others are not necessarily meant to be married either…that loving God is the only love that matters. Since God ordained marriage and family, he is still in the business of leading his sons and daughters to each other to reflect his plan for us in this life. I found your article to be very depressing, and I pray God blesses you with a good wife and holy marriage some day (if this is his plan for you). Maybe then you will write about that and give other singles more hope than you did with this article!
Well said. Prov 16:9 says,a man’s heart plans his ways but it is the Lod who will direct his path.He again says thet He knows the plans He has for us.Plans not ot destroy us but rather give us a hope and a future.I believe that indeed all things will work together for our good provided we are very sensitive to the Holy spirt.If you kow that you need a wife or husband,then understand that God also knows that.I belive it is up to us to be opened to God and be alert.All His ways are unpredictable and he knows what’s best for us.Please let’s not be to hard on ourselves.By trusting God ,waiting patiently in prayer and sharing our love with all(not being selfish),we will definitely meet the right person.Love for the right person is unconditional.You love the person not because of(say;beauty,intelligence or etc.)But rather,you always say to yourself:I love this fellow inspite of his or her faults or defects.I believe this helps us not to be so selective so we don’t miss the right person.Remember”charm is deceptive and beauty will fade away but a woman who fears the Lord,she shall be praised.”Prov 31:30.Let’s not too over spiritualize certain things.If u love someone,u deeply know and i think we should not hide or depress it.Let’s be true to ourselves and also know when appropriate we should get into a relationship.Above all,love is patient,not selfish,is kind and would seek the interest of the other.How can a young man keep his way pue,buy doing so according to the word of God.Let’s keep our relationships pure,for God will appreciate that.
Well said.Prov 16:9 says,a man’s heart plans his ways but it is the Lod who will direct his path.He again says thet He knows the plans He has for us.Plans not ot destroy us but rather give us a hope and a future.I believe that indeed all things will work together for our good provided we are very sensitive to the Holy spirt.If you kow that you need a wife or husband,then understand that God also knows that.I belive it is up to us to be opened to God and be alert.All His ways are unpredictable and he knows what’s best for us.Please let’s not be to hard on ourselves.By trusting God ,waiting patiently in prayer and sharing our love with all(not being selfish),we will definitely meet the right person.Love for the right person is unconditional.You love the person not because of(say;beauty,intelligence or etc.)But rather,you always say to yourself:I love this fellow inspite of his or her faults or defects.I believe this helps us not to be so selective so we don’t miss the right person.Remember”charm is deceptive and beauty will fade away but a woman who fears the Lord,she shall be praised.”Prov 31:30.Let’s not too over spiritualize certain things.If u love someone,u deeply know and i think we should not hide or depress it.Let’s be true to ourselves and also know when appropriate we should get into a relationship.Above all,love is patient,not selfish,is kind and would seek the interest of the other.How can a young man keep his way pue,buy doing so according to the word of God.Let’s keep our relationships pure,for God will appreciate that.
@ Sarah, I totally understand. If He is asking you to trust Him and not taking that desire away, then trust Him. When the enemy serves up rejection, be reminded of God’s zealous love for you. You know that whatever God is doing is good. There are times when my patience can wear thin about this, but we must continue to heed God’s voice. His patience in You brings him glory. The fact that you are waiting and trusting God while others choose hastily for themselves is praiseworthy. Indeed, many choose for the wrong reasons and thank God, you are not one of them! Bless the Lord for he is faithful. Be blessed, sister!
i agree with you, but what i can’t understand at all is since that’s the case, then y do any of us have a desire for true love? y? if love is a choice and someone can choose to love you or not, that means that anytime u open yourself up to love or hope for love, you’re bound to get hurt…y would anyone do that?
more important question is why on earth would god give us such a desire? i just don’t understand…..
i’ve hoped that i would have real love one day……
i mean rean love, not the “love” that’s a woman deciding that she’ll marry a man who she knows loves her more than she loves him because inm her mind if he’s the picture of christ and she’s the picture of the world, than he ought to love her way more than she loves him—no i’m not talking about that….
I’m talking about real love…..a love where the couple is actually a picture of christ’s relationship with the church (not the world)……so i shouldn’t be able to resist my husband if that’s the case.
yes, he should be head over heels for me, but i should also be head over heels for him….
if that’s not how it’s gonna be, why bother?
and if the chances of that happening are lower because of past hurts, the shallowness of society and what they think we as women should look like, and that love can’t fulfill us anyways, then what the heck is it for?
why do we even have that desire?
i just don’t understand?
why won’t god take this desire away from me? i’ve begged him and begged him to and he won’t and i really just don’t understand…..
y won’t he?
it’s pretty clear to me at 32 having had one boyfriend in my whole life who was an emotional abuser that im not supposed to be married….
at least that what it looks like to me….
so y bother with the desire?
y?
and why is god convicting me to trust him and allow myself the luxury of hoping for that?
why?
it’s not even a necesity, so why do i have to hope for something that’s probably not ever going to happen?
why?
does god want me to marry some random guy who i feel no attraction to and who i feel nothing for like so many women i know have done?
how can that possibly bring him glory?
i don’t understand…..
y won’t he just let me give up on love already?
what’s the point?
i’m having a hard time believing god loves me right now…….
im not even asking for a spouse….all i want is to wake up and NEVER have that desire again……
the chances of it actually happening are SO LOW….
so why even bother?
i don’t understand…and i’m so tired………..
i don’t know if i can take anymore rejection…….
i just don’t know…..
SER
I AGREE WITH U
I think the main article here as well as the one or two comments I have read are all exhibiting a level of honesty which is refreshing. On the other hand, I saw nothing in the article referencing scripture. The simple fact is that the God of the Bible states in Gen 3:16 (I think) “It is not good for man to be alone.” Now maybe He is only meaning Adam here but later He adds “For this reason a man will leave his mother and father and be joined to his wife.” God is pro-marriage. Still there are other passages, like in Corinthians where Paul writing under inspiration of the Holy Spirit states that he wishes all men could be like him, ie… single, so they could focus on God only yet he clarifies that not all have been given this gift of ‘celibacy’. Also the scripture says ‘God will not withhold any good thing from them who seek him’. If it is not ‘good’ for man to be alone then it is ‘good’ for man to have a wife. If man is seeking God in prayer, asking that God keep His word about a wife, then I think God’s integrity is on the line and ultimately He will provide a wife for the one who is seeking Him first. I don’t know why some people never marry but the ‘gift’ of celibacy seems like something you would know if you had it? Maybe not, I don’t have any scripture for that part. If I have misunderstood God’s word then I repent in sack-cloth but I cannot honestly say, looking at His Word, that God hasn’t promised marriage to those who seek Him and it.
This is a very, VERY good article. Thanks Rob for starting all this great and honest comments. I read them all! Usually is hard to find a Christ centered material on this specific topic. Please excuse me if my English is incorrect. I want to write down some thoughts and I’ll do my best…
I’m 31, single. Never been married. I gave my life to Jesus when I was a kid (age 7) and kept following Him. I’m planning to love God with my heart and obedience until I die or He comes. I have never touched a girl in a wrong manner, (yes, I am virgin). No, I’m not gay. I have only had one girlfriend during only 3 months the last year. Let me tell you, there’s nothing wrong with it! I am not the regular guy and it’s ok!
There are people around who are single because they have troubles being attractive, have personality issues, orientation issues, or physical problems. Sometimes we have issues to deal with if we want to get a life partner as we would like. Well, I am not exactly that kind. I’m the kind who is a bit above the average. I don’t want to sound self promoting, but girls consider me attractive, I’m kind of an athlete, I’m independent, my voice sounds really good, I have been leader of my youth group. All that qualities mean that I am more tempted and I am still without a girlfriend anyway. I guess, for some unknown reason God is keeping me from finding someone. Don’t think I don’t hang out with girls. I try to expand my female friends circle each time that I can and have dinner or go to movies with them. I am a good friend. I have made efforts, but I don’t know why I am single!
I guess I have had many opportunities with good christian girls. But happens that they have not been attractive to me. I don’t want to hurt someone’s heart. I take care of not hurting a sister! I won’t be someone’s boyfriend just because I want to see what happens. If I have a girlfriend is because
there is a real chance that I will marry her. That complicates things.
Although I serve God with all my efforts, I have had a strong sexual drive since I was eight. Even now I would really like to get away from some testosterone. I have been fighting myself (and won to certain degree) during all this years and I know is horrible sometimes. I also have asked why God just doesn’t answer my cries even when I fast and pray constantly. I have also asked God if He can reduce my level of desire. I need to keep my mind in its place! I focus in GOD! Besides I am a visual artist. Totally visually oriented! awwwwgg!!! To be alone has been simply PAINFUL. It ACHES too much!! I feel like I have too much to give and can’t give it to anyone. I have so much kisses that I haven’t given. So many hugs and smiles. So many love songs and poems… I get melancolic…
Well, I already confessed. It hurts. Is frustrating. But my obedience remaining pure in that area is just a really SMALL sacrifice to give if we compare it with the GREAT, GREAT, GREAT GOD we have and if we consider ALL what HE has done for US. I don’t care if HE wants that I remain single until now. I’m SURE HE LOVES ME and I trust HE knows what is best for me. I’m NEVER ALONE. I’ll do WHATEVER HE WANTS. I know my fight will go on but I want to be ready. Is the MINIMUM I can give!!! The HOLY SPIRIT is the best that has happened to me. HE is the reason that I am here. HIS GRACE is too much for ANY sin or WEAKNESS that somebody might have.
I have hope. HE is my hope and life. I’ll never be resigned on the matter of being single, because I don’t feel like I should be single. Who knows, maybe God has someone right around the corner (and that is also for you)!