10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband
With downcast eyes, Kathryn confided, “I have a hard time respecting my husband. I want to be obedient to God’s command, but I don’t want to be dishonest to my feelings.”
God doesn’t command a wife to feel respectful toward her husband. She is to be respectful. Her responsibility is to obey God; not her feelings.
A wise woman once told me, “If you want a truly fine husband, respect him at the level at which you want him to reach. A man will usually not rise above the level at which his wife respects him.” This is a general principle, not a hard and fast rule because God does not put accountability or responsibility for a man’s character on his wife. Nevertheless, strong evidence indicates a woman holds great power to make or break a man. In his book His Needs, Her Needs,
Willard Harley amends the saying “Behind every great man is a great woman” to “Behind every great man is an admiring wife.”
Something in a man needs the respect of his wife. He thrives and grows toward godliness when his need is fulfilled. This explains why God emphatically says, “The wife must see to it that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33 NASB).
10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband
- Pray for him dailyand trust God to answer your requests.
- Pray for his well-being, wisdom, protection, blessings, guidance, knowledge, spiritual maturity, success, purity, strength in temptation, etc.
- Look for God’s answers to your prayers.
- Thank God for working in your family.
- Thank God for your husband.
- Pray for your attitude.
- Remember that God has put your husband in a position of leadership, and He will lead you through your husband.
- Make a list of your husband’s qualities that you appreciate. Review and add to your list regularly.
- Tell your husband what you appreciate about him. Tell others what you appreciate about him.
- Don’t criticize your husband to others – especially your children.
- Look for the positive side of things that you may find irritating. If you find it boring when he spends time telling you about his bad day, remember that at least he is talking to you, spending time with you, sharing his concerns with you, bringing you into his confidence, and giving you the chance to be an encourager and helper.
- Respond to his loving advances with enthusiasm.
- If you are concernedabout a decision your husband has made, ask him the following:
- “I’m confused about _________. Can you explain it to me?”
- “Can we talk about _____? I feel uncomfortable about ______.”
- Don’t ask: “WHY in the world would you do it that way?” or ask “Why?” in any way that implies you think he is foolish.
- Respect his likes and dislikes. If he likes a particular food, make a point of serving that regularly. If he hates the color purple, don’t wear purple in his presence. If he likes you to wear perfume, do it.
- If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about your husband, stop and choose to think of something else – especially things from your positive quality list.
Remember, God is working on you and your husband. You can both learn from your failures as well as your successes. Give God the freedom to teach your husband through failure. In the same way, give God the freedom to teach you to trust Him through your husband’s failure.
Dear Father God=Daddy.
Lord I lift all who read it article that they will be encoruaged to rely on You for all ther needs. In Jesus M ightyname amen
Tracey, Nice to meet you. Have a great weekend too. Click on my name and go to my website and you will find my email there if you want to email. I’m also on twitter and facebook. [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information]
Esther, since we’re becoming friends, you can call me Tracey:) I agree that the only unforgivable sin is to reject the Holy Spirit (to blaspheme the Spirit)- the Forgiver of sins.
I am so sorry about the suicides. I believe there is a spirit of suicide and it is a generational spirit. We have authority in Christ to bind it in Jesus’ name so that it cannot operate. Also, praying that God sends confusion into the enemies camp is extremely helpful! And, never underestimate the prayer of agreement. Our church does Wednesday services and we get down to business on prayers of agreement. We prayed my mom would be transferred b/c of the harassment. The management co. was giving us trouble about that but God opened the door. Next week, I’m going to pray for my dad’s complete healing! I have been waiting for this for a long long time! God will be so glorified and He’ll win over my dad’s current doctor for sure! Love, love, love God so much! His timing is worth the wait. Take care and have a great weekend! Tracey
Persevering, Wow, you have a lot going on! God’s grace for you! We don’t live in LA. We are in central calif. Yes, that is very sad about Rick Warrens son. I use to be very judgemental on a lot of things because I was young in my faith and understanding of God’s grace but I believe that there is grace for suicide BUT that isn’t an endorsement for it! My father’s side has had 3 suicides. His beloved mother killed herself when he was only 9 years old. The WORST part is that they TOLD HIM!!! she was coming back…she was coming back. That is so abusive to tell a child that. Thinking about that gives me more empathy for him. So sad. :( Anyway, God is good all the time. He’s really talking to me today. Have you read “Do you think I’m beautiful” by Angela Thomas? If not read it! I just got a copy from my girlfriend. God’s asking me to dance! :)
Esther, I thought you were one of the ladies who works at Power to Change and could contact me via email by looking into my account info. I’m sorry about that. Hey, do you happen to attend the CR at Saddleback Church where Rick Warren is the pastor? So terrible that he just lost his son to suicide. CR is a great program and has helped my husband and I A LOT! Owning our own stuff is key and learning to submit to our husbands w/o fear unless they’re telling us to do something illegal or immoral. I still get so fearful about doing that. God keeps reminding me that my husband is the “head”. I know the divine order is so important so I need to be very careful. Thankful for God’s patience with me. I’m glad you’re husband is also a believer. The key is to just let God deal with our husbands. We can get in the way and block God which I’ve done so many times. My husband came from being shy and hardly ever talking about his issues to becoming a leader at CR. We’ve both left CR now but hope to start one at our new church someday when the timings right. It’s for everyone. Who doesn’t need recovery. It is a pride thing. Took me a while to get myself there and God humbled me while I was there. I’m sure they’ll let you do a video testimony if you want. It’s kind of exciting and scary at the same time to speak it out to a group of people face to face but definately, try and do that some day. We all have pride to deal with – think of it as the enemy! So glad for your beautiful Bethany. Yes, God’s power can only rest on us when we’re weak. Our marriage situation makes us weak and God uses that too to be strong in us. I am amazed at how powerful He is inside this tiny (well, not tiny) clay pot that I am. You wouldn’t believe all that I’m going through – not only my ongoing marriage situation but I have a dad who’s mentally ill and is in a group home. I am his only child and do all the back and forth scheduling with different doctors, clinics, etc. We just got him out of a bad group home as the owner coerced my dad to sign him on as the fiduciary and authorized person over his Veteran affairs. He ignored every letter we sent him and now the State of Michigan shut that group home down – two days after we moved my dad! The VA owes them back pay into the $6000′s and he’s afraid we won’t give it to him so he’s being a schister. Then, there’s the ongoing legal affair w/ the nursing home my dad was in. Paperwork was submitted to the State and lost and now that dad’s out of there, they won’t honor new paperwork so that could cost my dad about $1700 – which he doesn’t have. All but about $100 goes to the new group home he lives in. So crazy! Then, my mom is in terrible shape. She was in special ed classes her whole life and can’t understand a whole lot but doesn’t want to give up her independence. She’s on welfare and living in subsidized housing and being harassed by a demon possesed woman across the hall! So, I’m getting involved as much as my mom will let me to get her trasnferred out of that apartment ASAP and get this other woman evicted. Let’s see, is there anything else…oh yes, my husband and I are moving from a house into a condo or house w/ less upkeep and we need to do it ASAP. I tell you, before I let Christ be my life, I would be drunk all the time or in the psych ward or leaving town if I had to deal with all of this by myself. Now, I have most importantly Christ, and my husband to help me with my family. I think I’m going to write a book one of these days about all the craziness and how God reigns supreme in it all.
Persevering, Thank you but we are in Calif. Yes, He is a believer. Thank God for that. That sounds like a good program. I am in two groups on Wednesday that is helping me a lot. I only have a month or so in CR. They want us to give testimonies afterwards. I am not hot on public speaking. I’m going to ask if I can do a video. Wish me luck otherwords God’s blessings /favor. Yes, its my pride again that is why I dislike pub speaking. I don’t want to look dumb. I think someone laughed at me when I was a child or something…
Persevering, It sounds like you are on the right track! Praise God! I also feel much better today. Life is up and down and that is okay! God understands Praise Him! I just gave that verse to Rose… Joel 2:25 I believe it! God allows us to go through “suffering” Jesus learned obedience through “suffering” which is interesting because I already thought he was obedient. Guess that is something to meditate on today. WE hate suffering. Who stands up and says, “ooh ooh God let me suffer! I want to suffer!” No, we do whatever we can to avoid it! I have suffered many years with low esteem, depression, and codependency / people pleasing…but God is in control. This was part of his plan. We learn and grow so much through suffering. I chose to be obedient to God and come back to my marriage even though my spouse did not change instantly. But my job is to own my stuff and grow. I am! :) WE are coming on 14 years of marriage. I have three kids and my youngest is a girl with an undiagnosed disability BUT she’s healthy! There are so many paradoxes from God…weak are strong, humble with be elevated…disabled…are like the weak…they are really strong because the power of God rests on them. I don’t understand it all…but my Bethany is probably the strongest little girl! :) It’s like when we think…we think life should be this way…but God shows me its usually the OPPOSITE of what I think! It has something to do with our human PRIDE I suppose / other people call that the EGO but they are the same. God bless you Persevering!
Esther, if you’re in Michigan, Reconciliation Ministries is the organization that the workshop is through. (www.recmin.org). It’s the Breaking Free workshop at “The Place”. 9 weeks just started last Saturday. People can still join. It’s free. Also, the Living Waters program is an intensive workshop that costs a few hundred dollars and goes for 26 weeks. Living Waters is designed to help those who are sexually broken i.e. abuse, porn, homosexuality, etc.
Is your husband a believer?
Hi Esther,
Yes, I havent’ sat consistently at the codependency table. I usually sat at the sexual issues table. Yes, my husband and I are both recovering from codependency. I know that I can’t control my husband. I used to and that’s what ended me up at C.R. That and the rage I was feeling. God’s got me at a place right now where I’m just working on my stuff and leaving my husband to God. As God helps me get the anger under control I’m able to be used as an instrument of His grace and be a support to my husband as he goes through sexual abuse recovery. He has agreed to go deep into his painful past with a counselor and myself but it’s babysteps. I know I may look foolish to some, but I am starting to believe my husband when he says he only looked at porn these three times since we’ve been married. God brought to our attention earlier this week of a pastor that we know struggles with porn. His story was the same as my husbands i.e. he truly gave it up for years and then all of a sudden, the temptation crept back up strongly and he gave in to it. I’m starting to believe that’s what happened with my husband. Satan’s been trying to get me to believe that my husband is lying to me and that’s where I was yesterday, stuck in a pool of pain, anger, and confusion. Today, I’m speaking good things and hopeful things and resisting the devil. At the same time, I’m asking God for a full disclosure from my husband and to bring everything into the light if there’s anything left to be brought into the light. I just can’t live in that ugly place the devil wants me in. Our help comes from the Lord and I know He’s working. The workshop I’m in now is a great place to talk about what I’m going through. It’s like a C.R. but deeper as it goes into healing prayer and casting out spirits that can occupy a believer. Believe it or not, I do have more up days than down. I pray God restores your marriage as quickly as possible too and gives you both back everything the locusts have stolen. I want so much to have the desires of my heart. God keeps reassuring me that I will! I know you will too! Thank you.
Hi Claire,
Thank you for writing. I agree with all you’ve said. I know the devil wants me to look for the easy way out. The main dilema I was having was wheter or not I could trust that my husband was telling the truth about looking at porn only three times since we’ve been married. Most women at the sexual issues table at Celebrate Recovery complain that their husbands wont’ have sex with them b/c they’re addicted to porn. So, after finding out about the three times it became abundantly clear that he’s possibly been addicted to porn all along and made schmucks out of me, his recovery group friends, etc. The other possibility is that he’s telling the truth. If so, I agree, three times looking at porn is not grounds for divorce. Altough, it’s not something I would consider part of “marital faithfullness”. The pain has been unbearable over the years but God is so strong in me now. Nevertheless, when the heat gets turned up I do look for a way of escape. I will be faithful to the Lord though. The way I understand grounds for biblical divorce now is that my husband would have to be having sex with someone. If he continues in the porn (which he says he won’t – he has me and two pastors as his accountability partners on the computer software he downloaded in case he goes to a site he shouldn’t)that could obviously lead to him sleeping with a prostitute or something dirty like that. Psychologically and spirituall speaking, I can see why he went to porn after 9-1/2 years of not i.e. he’s too ashamed of himself to be with me – that would explain his impotency with me, he’s very overweight and very self-conscious. In addition, when he looked at the porn he was recovering from hernia surgery and since he struggles with workaholism, he was going stir crazy waiting to get healed from the surgery – a perfect opportunity for Satan to come on strong. Ultimately, my husband is to blame for the porn but I understand how the enemy works very well and if I don’t have my spiritual armour on, I can make a lot of mistakes. Today, I’m leaning towards the possibility that he’s telling me the truth. Our counselor has spoken to both of us individually and as a couple to help my husband start to uncover the darkness of the sexual abuse. Only by him going back into the pain of that abuse, can he truly be free from the shame of it and start to progress in life, in our marriage, everything. I know I play a pivotal role in supporting my husband as he goes through this. I can also see how Satan has strategized things so that I might possibly leave my husband. Satan just can’t stand it when people start to overcome in Christ and it’s to be expected for him to retaliate. Neither my husband nor myself were realizing that at the time. I do have hope and I will continue to lean into the Lord and listen for His voice to make sure I’m on the right path. Thank you for your beautiful prayer. God bless you.
Persevering: I went back and reread your first post. So it is good you guys went to CR! Did you go for codependency, if I may ask? What I have learned about myself and other women with husbands with addictions (I am not saying your spouse has an addiction) but we are subconsciously drawn to a man like this and it has to do with our family of origin and the way we were raised. Maybe not all the time but a lot. My relationship with my Father has been very distant so I was drawn to a man who turned out to be emotionally distant. I am working on myself which is the ONLY thing I can control. They frustrating this is I recognize my need or want to control my husband and his behavior. The mindset is if he would just stop the behavior I would be happy / we would be happy. That is partly true but the whole truth is that God allows this to grow us and remove idols in our life. My idol was my husband! The way I interacted with him was me treating him like GOD. I have had such a distorted view of submission in my mind and that word leaves a bad taste in my mouth. This is not what God wants for wives. He wants us to have FREEDOM and LIBERTY! He is not hard sharp or pressing! He is so much nicer than I thought He was. I was afraid of him and this has to do with my experiences with BAD AUTHORITY figures (male). One day when my pastors wife was speaking she said we can always come back to God without shame! It revealed what I thought about God. I was like,”REALLY? that is not what I grew up with.” I have left my spouse 2 times over the lust/porn issue. For those who have not been through this they do not get it. It is more painful than adultry in some way because people dismiss it and it keeps happening over and over again. It’s like torture really. And the people who do not understand will say stuff like make yourself more sexy and have sex with him, or be a better wife, more submissive. This is wrong because it’s blaming the wife. It also is not necessarily about sex. The core issue is medicating emotions that the man is unable to deal with and just plain SIN. Sin is fun for a time. But always leads to death. #1 Set clear boundaries. #2 The spouse must be held accountable. You need to get into a 911 group for hurting women. I have walked through this alone…well not alone but with My Lord yet not with the support of women that I needed BECAUSE there really isn’t much out there in our local communities. It’s like if you have had an abortion you can’t talk to a woman who has not gone through that to get the same empathy. Someone who has been through the same situation has true EMPATHY because they have been there! It feels safe and there is an instant connnection. I hope some of this helps.
Rose, I am sorry to hear about your situation. Was culture did you grow up in? Was your husband a Christian? It doesn’t sound like it. I am sorry to hear that your marriage was arranged. I know that was common in the Bible but not today. It makes me sad. Did you have a choice? Were you forced into marrying him? It doesn’t sound like you had a choice because you were so angry from the beginning. When people make choices for us or we don’t feel we have a choice it can cause us to feel very angry! It violates God’s order. He gives us freedom to make our own choices even bad ones. Tell me more about your family’s beliefs. From what you mentioned about your parents they are putting too much weight on you, responsibility to make your husband happy. There must be balance. You have more power than you think you do. I don’t know where you live but I encourage you to get into a Celebrate Recovery support group. If you aren’t familiar with that it is like AA (alcoholics anonomous) a 12 step program. I am currently in this a recoverying codependent people pleaser. I think this would help you. We are only responsible for our OWN choices and not what others do. This is really freeing. Don’t put guilt on yourself or allow others to. They seem to do this to certain personality types. Are you assertive or passive? My guess is that you are like I have been very passive. God wants this personality type to be more assertive and stand up and speak up! Speak truth in love which is a challenge because you may be very angry to realize that there was many times you could have said, NO”! God understands. He is for you! Forgive yourself and don’t stay angry at yourself or others. I know easier said than done but the support group will help.
Hi Persevering,
I would encourage you to be very careful in how you define adultery. I can only imagine how hard it has been to be denied sex from your husband for so long. That’s the bigger issue, and neglect is no small thing. You said that you’re in counselling which is the very best thing you could be doing right now. What does the counsellor say about this?
I want to be very careful in how I say this because I know that you are experiencing a great deal of pain. Sometimes when we have our minds set in one direction we look to find evidence that it’s the right way. I do not know you but just from reading what you’ve read here it sounds like you’re really unhappy and you’ve been hurt deeply. Marriage was not supposed to look like this. As an outside perspective that you can feel free to ignore because it comes from a random stranger on the internet, I don’t think that three visits to porn sites is grounds for divorce. I DO think that you have been treated very badly and that if your marriage is going to continue the issue of neglect and the lack of communication that goes along with that will need some serious restorative work.
I have seen marriages that come back when it looks like there’s nothing left. God is a God of restoration, the one who breaths life into dry bones. He raises the dead, heals the sick, and makes a way in the desert when there is no way. I wish I could tell you what the future holds and what His plans are for you but I can’t do that. I do know that God is for your marriage and not against it. I know that He loves you. I also know the sad reality that sometimes marriages end. The end of a marriage is always tragic – even when it’s been awful.
You mentioned that you were in couples counselling, are you able to see the counsellor on your own? If so, it might be really helpful to tell the counsellor what you’ve said here and get his or her perspective on it. Trust can be rebuilt, but only if both partners are willing to do the hard work of it and it doesn’t happen quickly. I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Can I pray for you?
God in Heaven, I pray that you would be with Perserving. You see her heart, you’ve counted her tears. You know the depth of the pain she has felt, the loneliness, the frustration, the anger, the disappointment. You see how heavy it weighs on her. You know that she is trying, really trying to be obedient and to honour you in this awful situation. God, she must be so exhausted from carrying this. I pray that you would give her a way forward. There are big decisions to make, heard decisions and I pray for your wisdom and guidance as she makes them. I pray you would surround her with godly counsel. Help her to hear the things that are from you. If there’s anything I’ve said here that is not of you I pray that she would pay no attention to it at all. Help her to only see your truth, and to feel your love and to know that you have not abandoned her or her husband. Remind her that she cannot change her husband, only you can do that. Help her to see what is her responsibility and what is not. My prayer would be that her marriage would be restored, but I pray that your will be done, whatever that looks like. You promise to be with us when we walk through the waters, Perserving is in the waters today Father, lift her head above the water so she is not overwhelmed. Grant her good, clear communication with you first and with her husband second. Guide her in the way everlasting. Thank you for loving her so much. Thank you for loving her husband so much. Be with her I pray, in your name, Amen
Esther, please feel free to email me directly as I’d like to talk further. I asked God to send me a Christian sister who’s dealt w/ the same situation and really understands. Thank You Jesus and thank you Esther.
Hi Esther, I really wish you would answer me. I had an arranged marriage and totally hated him from the very first day. He was nothing like a man i always dreamed of and he was manipulative. With time both lost all respect for each other and now he dumped me when i got sick. He has never been any good to me but do you think I could have handled the situation better? My parents are always telling me that its in a wife’s hand to reform her husband but i have no such powers nor do i see any potential in him. Am i being immature and selfish here? Please be honest, I really want to mend things. Please let me know if u need anymore details.
Persevering: you can email me if you need to talk. [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information]
I consider that adultery. Some male pastors do and some don’t. I don’t think most do. Persistent unrepentant sin in this area without addressing this issue by getting into addiction recovery I say would be justifiable grounds for divorce. This really messes with a woman’s mind and self esteem and confidence and ability to trust sexually. Recovery for this is a long haul BUT both people must be willing to do the work. Most of the time the men are not and its takes a seperation for them to wake up but that can not be your reason to seperate. I know I am in a celebrate recovery group. I’m being very honest with you and I understand your betrayal and anger!!! Part of the issue is the wife is usually passive and codependent. If that how you would describe your personality? It’s really sucky because I’m living this also and God has given us this painful opportunity to grow and work on ourselves. I know you probably do not want to hear that. I really stress I understand because this is my testimony. I’m here to give you info and support if u want. God bless ui
Thanks Esther. Just had a blow out with my husband tonight. I’m damn angry and really really struggle with not sinning in my anger. Please pray for me about this. I truly cannot tell if my husband is lying to me or just really really naive. He did a lot of drugs long ago and he’s been pretty clueless about a lot of stuff. I just can’t trust him, probably ever. Oh God, is my husband masterbating to porn considered adultery? God, I want a divorce!
persevering…i understand. i am so sorry that is so hellish and i have lived there. ugh, so painful. God bless you! I will say a prayer for you right now. Dear Jesus, I ask you would give her wisdom and discernment and heal her broken heart!!! I pray for the truth and all of it to be revealed so she doesn’t need to experience the slow leaks that I have! Spirit of truth cut to the quick God bless this sister and hold her heart in the pain…the deepest pain of her life. Jesus heal her heart and marriage. Show her what boundaries to set up today today today! Don’t let her be afraid of the truth or to confront. Send her an angel, a friend to help her. God she needs you, Lord help!!! amen.
For Rachael re: abuse in marriage. I think the husband has the bulk of the responsibility to be a good husband. I am sorry to hear that the content of love and respect is putting that on the wife. In the beginning of a relationship the man is usually the pursuer initiator and that is what makes it exciting. Something happens after marriage to where the man seems to stop trying since he figures hes conquered her, got her, won the prize. Anyway I digress, your situation sounds abusive and I am so sorry. I would disagree with what your leaders are counseling they seem biased. But God gives us a brain of our own. He does not want us to be abused. This is wrong! Sometimes people need a huge wake up call if they have been repeatedly warned by God and are not listening. I know God has done this for me! The more stubborn we are the more dramatic it will be because God can’t let persistant disobedience to continue! It has been hard for me being of my codependency to know discern if I was right or wrong because I had so much self doubt and if the man is not walking with God he is going to take advantage of your insecurities to make you think that you are the problem and that you made him do this or that! God has given us so much more freedom as indiviudals and people and women than I knew I had! HE does not FORCE us to submit. Submission is out of love. To know Jesus is to love Him. How can we not love Jesus because he is so gentle and kind and died for us? If our husbands were more like Jesus we would respond differently. This is not to say I wait for him. I must do what the Holy Spirit calls me to do and its really hard if your husband is not walking in the light or obedience and hiding things and having secrets etc. I am rambling sorry. You have a right and responsibility to be safe and keep your kids safe if you have children. When we set boundaries we are helping the other person as well as ourselves. Don’t be afraid. God’s will you. He understands!
I need some encouragement…my husband has denied me sex for the majority of almost 10 years of marriage now. When he was 14, he was sexually abused at gunpoint. Only now is he starting to talk about the details. He knows that he must go back to the painful memories in order to be set free from them. We’re in Christian couple’s counseling, we’re in a Christian workshop designed to help people get free from various things i.e. sexual brokeness, anger, etc. and we’ve attended Celebrate Recovery for about 5 years each. I recently found pornography on our computer – thankfully it wasn’t outright gay porn but he chose sites that had to do with anal heterosexual sex. He went to the site three times and each time the Lord brought a worship song to his mind and he quit. The third time he said that the fear of the Lord fell upon him. He claims that he’s never looked at porn during our marriage except for these three times. He has agreed to tell our pastor and get accountability software which he has. Before Christ, he used to be a compulsive liar. He expects me to believe that he’s been faithful to me all these years except these three times recently. One time years ago when we were in a fight I told him “You like to (blank) (blank)! (has to do with same sex union) and he said “so what if I do”. I’ve confronted him about what he said and he says he doesn’t know why he said it. God has been telling me to stay with my husband but now that there’s evidence of his infidelities on line – would you say he’s commited adultry? I mean, he cheated on me with his heart, his mind and his private area. Does anyone know if that’s enough grounds for biblical divorce? If it is, I’m out of here. If it isn’t, I’ll obey God but I need prayer to be able to genuinly love my husband again. Please pray that the whole truth and nothing but the truth come out once and for all in my husband’s life. Thank you.