10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband
With downcast eyes, Kathryn confided, “I have a hard time respecting my husband. I want to be obedient to God’s command, but I don’t want to be dishonest to my feelings.”
God doesn’t command a wife to feel respectful toward her husband. She is to be respectful. Her responsibility is to obey God; not her feelings.
A wise woman once told me, “If you want a truly fine husband, respect him at the level at which you want him to reach. A man will usually not rise above the level at which his wife 
respects him.” This is a general principle, not a hard and fast rule because God does not put accountability or responsibility for a man’s character on his wife. Nevertheless, strong evidence indicates a woman holds great power to make or break a man. In his book His Needs, Her Needs,
Something in a man needs the respect of his wife. He thrives and grows toward godliness when his need is fulfilled. This explains why God emphatically says, “The wife must see to it that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33 NASB).
10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband
- Pray for him daily and trust God to answer your requests.
- Pray for his well-being, wisdom, protection, blessings, guidance, knowledge, spiritual maturity, success, purity, strength in temptation, etc.
- Look for God’s answers to your prayers.
- Thank God for working in your family.
- Thank God for your husband.
- Pray for your attitude.
- Remember that God has put your husband in a position of leadership, and He will lead you through your husband.
- Make a list of your husband’s qualities that you appreciate. Review and add to your list regularly.
- Tell your husband what you appreciate about him. Tell others what you appreciate about him.
- Don’t criticize your husband to others – especially your children.
- Look for the positive side of things that you may find irritating. If you find it boring when he spends time telling you about his bad day, remember that at least he is talking to you, spending time with you, sharing his concerns with you, bringing you into his confidence, and giving you the chance to be an encourager and helper.
- Respond to his loving advances with enthusiasm.
- If you are concerned about a decision your husband has made, ask him the following:
- “I’m confused about _________. Can you explain it to me?”
- “Can we talk about _____? I feel uncomfortable about ______.”
- Don’t ask: “WHY in the world would you do it that way?” or ask “Why?” in any way that implies you think he is foolish.
- Respect his likes and dislikes. If he likes a particular food, make a point of serving that regularly. If he hates the color purple, don’t wear purple in his presence. If he likes you to wear perfume, do it.
- If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about your husband, stop and choose to think of something else – especially things from your positive quality list.
Remember, God is working on you and your husband. You can both learn from your failures as well as your successes. Give God the freedom to teach your husband through failure. In the same way, give God the freedom to teach you to trust Him through your husband’s failure.
thank you again, Cath. for your prayers, and for your kind words. I will continue to love him, and our Lord Jesus….and will continue doing His work. Works and Faith go hand in hand, and because the Lord has led me to minister to the woman and children in poverty, I keep focused on my work, in addition to my familie’s needs, and yes, to myself. I have tried to arrange counseling, and he was happy about it, but our insurance has switched, and we’re no longer covered. :(
For Audrey, I have been angry, I am no longer angry but I am disappointed, and I am dealing with his inappropriate behavior the best way I can. I’ve run the gambit on emotions, and the anxiety of being told it’s my fault is partially true. The way I react is what I am doing my best to control.
I’m going to talk to his doctor, because I’m thinking some of his behavior is the medication he’s taking….:/ and I pray it’s not early onset of dementia, or worse; but if it is, at least I’ll know how better to care for him. If it were me, I would not be hearing from the kids that they too are worried for dad. I’m listening to them now…2011 is a new year!! God Bless You, and Merry Christmas to all.
Dear “Crushed Like a Bug,”
How about a new name: “Renewed Day by Day?” (2 Cor. 4:16)
What I read between the lines in your posts was brokenness, and because of that came the peaceful reminder that God uses brokenness. I’m proud of you for being vulnerable in your weakness. If His strength is perfect in weakness, then it’s the best thing we have going for us. :o)
I too, hope you have a support system, whether it’s through a counselor or believing family or church, or best yet, all the above. Incidentally, I’m also proud of you for your attitude of enjoying “shalom in your home,” and as I prayed for you this morning, I prayed that the Prince of Peace would guard your heart in Christ Jesus. (Don’t you love that Scripture?) His is a peace certainly not as the world gives, or even as your marriage is giving you right now, but honey, but we can rejoice that Jesus is called REDEEMER for a reason. Love pays eventually. Keep loving that man of yours even when you’re rejected and seemingly invisible, and during that process, you will be more like Christ than ever. We’re never more like Him than when we love and get nothing back.
Have a blessed Christmas. *
cath
Crushed like a bug you seem to be having a lot of anger and I wish you could remedy and position your mind to solving the problem before reaching out to the problem itself. I am not judging, I’ve been there before, I still am dealing with it. I counsel myself as i go on. Do take John Wilder’s and consider counselling 1st.
Dhara, if it involves mother-in-law it needs a very mature and tolerant state of mind. If you are a Bible reader, be above board like Abigail. Its a constant battle until you will get it right.
Finally, respect is a loaded word. Its loaded with unconditional love, appreciation, regard with esteem (despite…), allow space, give and don’t always expect a return, forgive, tolerate, don’t avenge, loyalty, resilience just to name a few.
“is un-respectable behavior to be respected?” I stand on these words of truth, and say thank you for your your assurance that forgiving does not mean that have confidence in a man that shows total disregard for the hurt his “inappropriateness” has caused in the life of our family, and the relationship we once shared. I was reading “Every Man’s Battle” today and leaned that my feelings are justified, and that I’m not alone. Although I feel like I’m living with the Devil, I ask God to shelter me under the blood of Jesus….As the cycle of feeling remorse for ‘getting caught’ and saying ‘sorry’ spins around like a dreidel on Hanukkah, I’m enjoying the shalom in my home, and praying that the “madness” will stop!
Saluting the Lord of Lords, and King of Kings….I continue to stand by the man He put me alongside of, to have and to (not) hold, until death do us part….and pray for a miracle. Thank you CATH..
Ladies who experience something similar with a boyfriend, do as cath said and “SPLIT!”
Crushed like a bug, it seems as if you have real issues for which you need counseling or rather your husband needs counseling. I can understand your feelings of being crushed and not validated and loved. You have my sincerest sympathies.
Blesings on you and yours
Forgive? 70 x 7. That does not mean trust 70 x 7.
And to sum up the balance, “is unrespectable behavior to be respected?” No.
We are required, however, to, as they say in the military, “salute the uniform.” Respect his position as head of the family even if he has abdicated all responsibility for managing his position well. This person you’re describing is indeed doing a terrible job in his position. Incidentally, I’ve saluted the uniform a thousand times. I get it.
Now if this person is a boyfriend? Get out of Dodge.
cath
How many times are wives to forgive their husbands for their lack of respect to their wives?
Is looking at porn on the internet considered “cheating” on a wife?
Should a woman still respect her husband if he exposes their personal lives to family, and neighbors?
When a husband looks at porn online, is it normal for the wife to feel antiquate?
If a husband is not willing to fix his snoring issues, and maintains that sleeping in a separate room is OK, and the couple’s sex life has suffered, and he never touches her anymore, is this to be respected?
If the husband is caught looking at porn when granddaughters are in the house, is this to be respected?
If a husband is happy attending church that has no women, is this to be respected?
I am asking, at what point do you draw the line with respecting a husband, man, or boyfriend?
dear
dont worry ….divorce costs time and money.
be balanced, and place first husband at his place, \then place parents at thier place, later place your mom-in-law at her place
look at your peace and health….
pray unto the living Lord and ask his counsel at every step…..
i shall pray about it.
God bless You
Bets,
I agree with you, i have also started repairing the damage but i m facing more difficulties. Th main problem is that my dad is a practical person and a straight forward, his tongue is not sweet as others have he speaks little bit harsh and sometimes tonting also, bcoz of this my husband and his family members get irritated and they try to avoid my family. As i have lived 23 yrs with my family how can i see that someone insults them after all they are the one who has given me this life. even if they are wrong i have to accept as they has forgiven my mistakes many times. i love my family. And i also know that my dad intention was never to hurt them. but they have taken everything negatively. i told my dad not to speak sarcastically or in joke with my in laws and husband but he tells that i dont have intention to hurt them but if they are not coming to our house then i have a right to ask them y they are doing so bcoz this is a long term relation and i have given my daughter to them. my father is right at his place. My mother in law rules the whole family and the family members obeys her order or do whatever she says. My husband is also ready to give me divorce if her mother tells him to do so.
i just dont know how to manage all this people and circumstances.
Yes, truly MAY THE LORD HEAL WOUNDED AND BROKEN MARRIAGES.
no guilt in life, no fear in death. This is the power of Christ in me..’till HE returns or calls me home here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.
Amen!
This discussion has truly unvail the true nature of man.
Men needs respect , women loving attention.
The scripture is not broken.
May the Lord heal your wounded & broken marriages
Dhara, I hear what you are saying and have experienced that but opposite. I was the one that was so connected to my mom and told her everything and made my whole life focus on her and her problems. I went against my husband and was ugly because she and my family had a problem with him. But I HAVE realized these things finally with the help from my darling husband and him getting God in my life and have to work everyday on trying to fix the damage I have done. So there is hope for you, but it does take patience and work.
hi,
Actually my husband listens to his mom. And she has command over him.. My husband does whatever his mother tells him to do. As well as he share each and everything with her mother whatever we discuss. but he never discuss anything with me. As well as my mother in law wants to know what we eat out, i get we irritated with it. Mu mother in law does not have any object in what we out but she want to know what we ate and i dont like it.
Excellent advice. Thanks for sharing.
Dhara, I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time. Every marriage faces hard things, but your situation is way beyond the average marital trial, and I’m hurting for you, with you.
Your husband obviously wants to be alone. Non verbal communication is as real as verbal, and he’s sending his message loud and clear. We can’t change anyone but ourselves, so it looks like you’ve got only a few choices in the matter:
1. Go to counseling by yourself.
2. Make the best of living alone – in your marriage. Get a hobby, volunteer, throw yourself into serving others while you wait on God to change this man.
The third option, of course, depends entirely on your relationship with Christ. Are you His?
praying,
cath
Dhara
Was he like this before you got married. Don’t have kids with him until you resolve your issues. Will he go to counseling with you. You desperately need it.
Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder
You know, i am also suffering very badly.
My husband has no interest in me and whatever i do. i feel so alone. I dont know how to tackle the situation. I have gone through many articles but did not got the right thing to know. By the end of this month we will be completing 1st year of marriage but still their is no love between us as the newly married couple have. He does not respect me, my views, my family etc. Their were so many ups and downs during this one year in our relation bcoz of our family. he does not come to my maternal home as well as dont care to talk to me or meet me when i go to my maternal house. He just want to be with his friends only. he dont understand that the we should spend some time for ourselves also. He likes to be with his friends or family whenever we go out. he never likes to spent time alone with me. I am fed up with him and bcoz of this i have lost all respect for him. he cares so much for his friends but little for me. No gifts, no surprises nthg innovative in our married life. We are just busy with our work and all. He has no time to spend with me. He just want to do his work and then be with his friends or family. We had spend time alone only when we went for honeymoon and never ever after that. I tried to make him understand that i need ur time and u but he does not want to understand it. He just want to spend his life as per his wish. My problem is that i cannot share this problem with any of my family members and if i share it with his family he feels that i am always complaining abt him. i dont know what to do and i dont understand how we will spend our life together. Please help me out if u can.
thanks & regards,
Dhara
Dhara, Like so many women, I *learned* to appreciate my husband. A few years ago, he worked out of state for six weeks, and I was completely alone. At first I thought I’d like the solidarity; no meals to cook, no laundry to do, no slippers left out or half-cups of coffee to pick up on the way to the kitchen. After a while though, I ached for those things. I missed having a hand to hold in the car, someone to kiss in the mornings, and someone who instinctively knew when I needed a hug. Little things create big things; like cells make a body. I love those little things, and don’t mind the laundry a bit. It means I’m not alone. It means God loves me enough to give me a companion, and I see my husband as a gift from the Lord. I have found that true joy is in loving and being loved. I’m in it for life.
:o)
Hi,
You have shared nice things that a women should learn and remember before they expect from their husband.
I’m wondering, Judy, in your separation, are you still in contact with your husband? If so, by God, there’s a chance you can turn the Titanic around. Our self-will is about that size. praying for you, cath
Judy
Editor note: Comment redacted. Personal contact information is not permitted in the comments
Blessings on you and yours’
John Wilder
I am currently going through a separation because I had to be right about everything all the way down to things like the color. I’m finding out the hard way that I’m wrong, very wrong. There are still days that I think I’m right and feel like I get mad, but then I hurt really bad. If anyone out there has any advice, please tell me. I am very lonely and I miss my husband very much.
the best way to learn and make it is to learn from somebody’s experience which was their mistake. this is a great piece of information.so small yet weighs a ton. lets pray and seek the holy spirit to help us understand his purpose for us. if we leave it to him, he will surely do it.
I feel sorry for your husband if the color you wear is more important than his preferences. The author was only using color as an example anyway, but being married isn’t easy and if you think a color is an important point to stand on I doubt you will stay married. Good luck! : )
Jane I think resents the scriptures more than your advice. Keeping writing and witnessing, the Holy Spirit is responsible for the results, not you. Respect is something that a man needs even more than sex.
Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder
“Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church.” What church ?
I thank God for the man I will soon some day merry. I have learned the mistakes that went on in my previous marriage, but there is always two sides to every story. I did not respect my first husband as a wife should, nor did I honor or love him as a wife should. He cheated, beat me and a host of other things went on in this sometimes loveless marriage. But now I know! God has truly, truly blessed me with the years that the locus hath eaten, (Joel 2:25). The God-ly man that I will soon merry loves, honors, and respects me and I show him the same in return. He and I are able to pray together, laugh together, cry together, and share together. God has truly blessed he and I to be there for each other in good times and in not so good times. God has blessed he and I to be able to be strong for each other. God has blessed me to know how to love this man, to honor this man, and to respect this man, something that I did not have with my first marriage. God is soooooooooooo AWESOME!!! He loves me! He loves us!!! Truly, if we continue to always keep Him first in our lives and in our relationship, He will put the icing our wedding cake!!! Now, let the church say, AMEN!
Blessings!
thank you so much for the wonderful advises….
yes it is true that “love is like oxygen for all the women “. why men cannot understand women need their love…all the time.”
your advises are wonderful for all the ladies who are in need of their man love.
god bless you. need more information….how to respect men who are far away.
There’s one thing that’s been left out of this discussion: Worldview. If you have a Biblical worldview, then what God says, goes. If not, then it doesn’t apply. With that established, God says, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church.” We get that. It also says, “Wives, see to it that you respect your husbands.” I hate to get dogmatic, but being dogmatic about this saved my marriage. My feelings are way too subjective a foundation for me to build a family on. Feelings are influenced by how much sleep I’ve had, what I ate for lunch, and how my husband and family are acting. I can’t live in such a wishy-washy way and be happy – isn’t there more? Yes. I personally decided to go with what God said, and that my feelings would just have to adjust. They did. It worked. We’ve been married 26 years and have been through hellish times, but like Churchill said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Feelings would have you sit and melt and watch everything you love crumble! No way! Not on my watch. We can’t be responsible for our husbands’ decisions, but we can “plant our own gardens” and make a peaceful home and a pleasant life for our kids and ourselves, as much as is within our power to do so, and leave the rest – our husbands – to God.
All this of course, is with the understanding that one’s husband is not abusive and is faithful. That changes the conversation, which conditions also fit into a Biblical worldview. God gives us a justified “out” in those conditions, if you choose to take it.
cath
I have been married 20+years.My husband is a good man, never cheated on me and was good to my family.But I have never had respect for him.I believed myself to; but realize that I don’t. My marriage is close to ending after all these years because he has had enough and even though I believe these steps, I have trouble doing it. I just want to show him respect but lack something to do it. Need help before the marriage is over….
I went into this website because after 7 years I wanted to find out what it means to respect a husband. I’m loyal, never cheated, maintain peace btwn us. I cook, clean for & after, pray for, forgive, stay positive around him, teach the kids to behave respectfully, and I keep in mind that nothing can separate us without destroying us. He still prioritises everything and everyone else but me, respects others and is more kind to others than me. Expects me to slave for him in sickness and in health. I’ve thought of a 1000 ways to get back at him, but I thought God is wiser and knows what i don’t know. Except for the color thing, I agree with the advise. I trully believe that the path that God chooses to take us thru may be thru fire or waters, but it is the most preferable. I respect my husband not bcoz there is anything to respect in him (he’s cheated, lied, etc), but bcoz its God who said I should.
I have become a cynical woman. Where once there was fluttering in my heart for my husband, there is now a lump of regret. His positive attributes are as real as the past hurts he has caused (dishonesty, lust, poor financial decisions). He has since apologized and worked very hard to change, and I have continued to punish him in spite of. I just can’t let go of the past, and as a result he is paying by enduring mood swings, withdrawal, resentment and overall lack of respect. Yes, the hurt is real, but so is the hurg I am causing him. At what point are we even? Perhaps never, but I chose to marry him, and perhaps the anger in me is clouding my perception of him? In any case, I do understand why someone would scoff at this post, but I am thankful for it. He is imperfect, but he is a good man. Who knows, perhaps I will oneday need the forgiveness from him that I am currently not giving.
I am a newly wed, been married to my husband since June 19, 2010. It’s been an adventure, but a good one. My husband is a wonderful man and I praise God for him daily. I have been lacking in respect for him because I didn’t know how to respect him and kind of still don’t. After reading this article, I have a better understanding of how to respect and love my husband even more. If there is any more advice on respecting your husband, please let me more.
God Bless you all and please remember that there are good men out there. Many of them don’t seem to know how to be faithful and keep to their wives, but not all men are like that. I seem to have to found and married one of the “truest”, genuine men out there. God Bless him.
As a woman pls note that only parents know our strengths and weaknesses, it takes years for spouse to understand them.
Surely woman should never leave her focus(they are as floodlights), around u dont get busy setting the spot lights, move ahead taking true steps and make a continual improvement in life, win his heart. luke 21.19 By ur patience possess ur souls. If u cry here on earth, u will rejoice in heaven. keep and preserve the joy from LORD and remember nobody on earth can snatch it fm u. – Luv u all women, men….enjoy the LORD’S breath in us.
I have been married for almost 6 years now. It started of with me not respecting my husband, as it was but I think it has gotten worse over the years. Time and time again, he has proven to be unreliable in the decisions he makes. He is also very afraid to say ‘no’ to his family. So, they all sponge on him, leaving me to suffer the consequences. I can’t even start a family, even if I wanted to, because we would not be financially capable of doing that, since he has to ‘feed’ my sponging inlaws. I have tried to find things in him that I can be more respectful about. It’s been almost 6 years. I still haven’t found any.
I just want to encourge you ladies and too remind you that the only one that never leaves or forsakes us is are God. I believe if you Fast and ask God to give you discernment on what to do with these men,stay or leave, he will. Because men who proclaim they love God and still cheat,can be holding you back from doing great things for God. The devil wants us to be without JOY, but we cant not for no one.God is love & joy in one. I pray that God shows these men the way before it is to late for them.
God Bless you for not going back to the world, even when are hearts are broken.
These are definitely very valuable advices. As a man I’d always look for these qualities in my wife if I were married. I think, the only way I deserve to be treated like these is to be always compassionate towards my woman. On the other hand it is much more easier to be kind to a woman having these qualities than a woman who has never thought about being a woman like this.
Thankz, yes its true; but husband shouldnt expect from working wife, whatever is given of love to take and not demand, it should be the other way round men should provide and gift/give to wife…
Wonder when husband will care for his wife and love by atleast putting hand around her and appreciate her……
Anyways, thankz for response.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
i went through bad times with husband, he very angry man, wants only money and doesnt care wife’s needs. He’s proud and always think one day his wife all is his. He doenst buy groceries for the family nor helps out in work at home. He doesnt tolerate anything/word against his mother.He is very commanding. Such a man it is very difficult to live with him.He doesnt respect wife although wife takes care of his emotional and physical needs. Such a man who has no love/word for his wife. how do i live with.
I’ve been married for 10 yrs, i did treated my husband w respect,been loyal,loving etc. we’ve been always pray together with our 2kids every nite. he is very religious but he still cheated on me … he had affair
i think ur article above is far away to be true. it’s so damnnn difficult to do it in real life specially when there is no different between christian husband & non .
I cannot respect my husband. He has been unfaithfull several times with several differnt women. I have endured over 20 years of verbal and emotional abuse. Respect? Respect what? Right now he ran over to a divorcee’s house saying he would be back in a few minutes. It’s been over 30 minutes. Where does a christian women draw the line?
I agree with the advice as showing loving respect towards your husband. I think the color thing is overboard. My point is I’ve been married for 5 years it will be six this December… I do and practice all these things already towards my husband. He doesn’t do the same for me. Never tells me to have a nice day. Doesn’t say baby you look nice. I might as well be invisable. Never asks me how my day was… he had an affair on me two years ago… I’ve been down this rode before with a previous marriage. I decided in that one to walk away. I have an adult son from that marriage who went through a lot because of his father and I. I thought this one was the ONE! I have a 4 year old with him… I wanted to be different and try to be pleasing to the Lord… so I prayed and decided to try and forgive and move past it… he was sooo sorry. Well the past two years he’s still the same arrogant, prideful, person he was. He talks to me like I’m nobody and treats me like I don’t even count. Lately he doesn’t like being married, doesn’t want to answer to anyone, wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to… (this is what he’s told me) takes all these little rides on motorcyle in the evenings… trust me I’m not stupid. Now I guess my point is I HAVE ALWAYS treated him with respect, been loyal, loving etc… so what now? It hasn’t meant a thing to him.
Jane, what part of the article do you feel is “bad advice”? I think the author would agree that “marriages are about respecting each other,” this article concerns a wife’s attitude toward her husband, a counterpart article could easily be written concerning the husband’s attitude toward his wife.
For example, if I knew that my wife hated the color red, I would make it a point to not wear bright red shirts all the time. (Full disclosure: This is hypothetical because I’m not married.) It’s not that I would feel restricted from wearing the color red, it’s just common courtesy and a demonstration of love for my wife.
What a lot of nonsense, marriages are about respecting each other and being equal within a relationship. I am from a family who has never seen a divorce, the only separation has sadly been through death. You need to wisen up and become part of the 21st Century, no wonder church numbers are falling when bad advice like this is given out.
I think you have a lot of good advise ,but to tell woman that if your husband hates the color purple don’t wear purple in front of him is a bit over board and controlling. A husband and wife can have different likes and dislikes and have a healthy marriage, its like your wanting woman to lose what makes them their own person in order to make their husband happy. It seems to be a bit much.Don’t get me wrong every woman needs to respect their husband but their is a line. Your husband will still love you if you wear a color he hates and if he does not he has major issues.
Thank you so much for this advice. God will help me to love and respect my future husband. Thank you, and God bless you all.
Thank you so much for this awesome and fruitful advice. I am unmarried too,but am going to marry my boyfriend.Your advice has helped me to respect him even when I do not feel like respecting and also to focus on his positive points which has showed me a right way to live. God bless you abundantly.
Thank u so much 4 these wönderful advice,im not married yet but in a serious relationship and im looking forward to using your tips.thanx.clouds of blessings.