10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband
With downcast eyes, Kathryn confided, “I have a hard time respecting my husband. I want to be obedient to God’s command, but I don’t want to be dishonest to my feelings.”
God doesn’t command a wife to feel respectful toward her husband. She is to be respectful. Her responsibility is to obey God; not her feelings.
A wise woman once told me, “If you want a truly fine husband, respect him at the level at which you want him to reach. A man will usually not rise above the level at which his wife 
respects him.” This is a general principle, not a hard and fast rule because God does not put accountability or responsibility for a man’s character on his wife. Nevertheless, strong evidence indicates a woman holds great power to make or break a man. In his book His Needs, Her Needs,
Something in a man needs the respect of his wife. He thrives and grows toward godliness when his need is fulfilled. This explains why God emphatically says, “The wife must see to it that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33 NASB).
10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband
- Pray for him daily and trust God to answer your requests.
- Pray for his well-being, wisdom, protection, blessings, guidance, knowledge, spiritual maturity, success, purity, strength in temptation, etc.
- Look for God’s answers to your prayers.
- Thank God for working in your family.
- Thank God for your husband.
- Pray for your attitude.
- Remember that God has put your husband in a position of leadership, and He will lead you through your husband.
- Make a list of your husband’s qualities that you appreciate. Review and add to your list regularly.
- Tell your husband what you appreciate about him. Tell others what you appreciate about him.
- Don’t criticize your husband to others – especially your children.
- Look for the positive side of things that you may find irritating. If you find it boring when he spends time telling you about his bad day, remember that at least he is talking to you, spending time with you, sharing his concerns with you, bringing you into his confidence, and giving you the chance to be an encourager and helper.
- Respond to his loving advances with enthusiasm.
- If you are concerned about a decision your husband has made, ask him the following:
- “I’m confused about _________. Can you explain it to me?”
- “Can we talk about _____? I feel uncomfortable about ______.”
- Don’t ask: “WHY in the world would you do it that way?” or ask “Why?” in any way that implies you think he is foolish.
- Respect his likes and dislikes. If he likes a particular food, make a point of serving that regularly. If he hates the color purple, don’t wear purple in his presence. If he likes you to wear perfume, do it.
- If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about your husband, stop and choose to think of something else – especially things from your positive quality list.
Remember, God is working on you and your husband. You can both learn from your failures as well as your successes. Give God the freedom to teach your husband through failure. In the same way, give God the freedom to teach you to trust Him through your husband’s failure.
Hi! I just wanted to share with everyone what the Lord helped me do…I’ve been concerned for my husband as he’s not prioritizing very well and he’s been letting the ball drop in some pretty important areas. This is what the Holy Spirit helped me write…”Honey, I’ve been thinking and wanting to ask you what you think about letting school go for a time so that you can focus more on your recovery at the Living Waters program? I’m concerned because some pretty important things have been falling through the cracks i.e. the checkbook isn’t current, we haven’t been meeting for our monthly budget meetings and we haven’t had any quality time to really talk. I’d love to go on another four hour date with you – I had so much fun that time we just sat at Panera Bread and talked. Are you sensing the same thing?” So, YAY! I wrote down my concerns in a respectful manner that lifts him up but still addresses the problem. Just thought this might help someone who’s wanting to communicate with their husband about important stuff and not have it not turn into a fight:)
Hi Cindy,
I need advice on this matter. There is this man that I like at church…please don’t hear me wrong, this is not lust or crush, nothing like that. I am just drawn to him, I’m interested in him as a person; I’d like to chat to him, to know what he likes, what is his favourite sport, what he’d like to do in future, what his hobbies are, what TV programme he likes….just to know his interests. I’ve known him for a long time now, but I’ve never really cared to talk to him, but recently I found myself talking to him unintentionally. Even a friend of mine noticed that I like chatting to him, and when I do chat to him he seems interested. I have now since kept distance after my friend told me that she noticed that I “always liked him”, even when I did not talk to him. I don’t want to sin or fall into temptation, hence keeping the distance. He is a very quiet guy and an opposite to me. At one point I felt like I’m intruding his space by talking to him since I’m talkative and he’s not. I’m also scared not to send a wrong message to him. What do I do or how do I pray for this. I don’t have any butterflies in my tummy when I see or sweaty palms or anything like that, it’s just that I’m beginning to feel this feeling of “excitement” when I’m about to speak to him and when I begin talking to him I feel a little “nervous”.
Beverly, I am so sorry that you have been hurt so badly by your husband. No one should ever be treated like that. It is a testimony of God at work in your life that you are still praying for your husband. Your prayer is a good one, because it is through s restored relationship with god that he will be best prepared to restore relationships with you and the others in his life that he has hurt so much.
I have a friend who is going through much the same experience and from talking with her I know it is hard to walk that line of acknowledging the truth of the hurtfulness of your husband and still loving Him as God would have you love him. I would like to pray for you about that: Lord, You know well the situation that Beverly is in. I ask Lord that she would look to Your leading and guiding in her life as she walks this path with her husband. Give her a love and respect for him that still acknowledges the really bad choices he is making right now. I pray that this would be a time of deepening Beverly’s trust and dependence on You and that she would have the joy of seeing You more and more in her life. I pray for her husband that he would have an encounter with the Living God that could not be denied and that in that place he would be broken and repentant. Hold Satan’s lies at bay so that he is able to see the truth of what he is doing. I pray for healing and restoration for this marriage that will become a testimony for all to see the difference Jesus Christ can make in a relationship. For Your glory, amen.
Hello,
I posted on here months ago… my husband was unhappy being married and had told me so… he said it wasn’t anything that I did or didn’t do… I was a great wife and mother he just didn’t like being married and tied down… things finally came to a “head” about 7 weeks ago… I had been steady praying for the Lord to open my husband’s eyes to the blessing of family that the Lord had given him… I was holding in there even I was miserable everyday by the way he treated me and his lack of care for our marriage… well he did something that disrespected me right in our home and I called him on it… he told me to my face that he was going to start doing what makes him happy… that he had told me months ago how he felt about being married and he hadn’t changed his mind. Well something just as clear as a bell spoke to me and said that is enough… you have done enough. I felt released at that moment. You see I had been doing what God required me to do staying evening though he didn’t want to be married. I had been praying that things would change… it was very hurtful and I felt demeaned a lot… because let’s be real… who wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you… I told him at that moment fine. you want a divorce or separation. fine we will get one… so he moved out 7 weeks ago… he has treated me… I can’t even put into words how much he has hurt me with his words and actions… but believe it or not I still pray for him every day… I pray that he returns to the Lord and has a true relationship with Him. His parents and family are very disappointed in him the people that know us know that I have been a good wife to him, supported, loved and did my part as a woman of God to try to keep my family together… at this point I don’t know what God’s plan is for us… I know my husband is not living for the Lord… I know I have a lot of hurt that needs to be healed… so I just keep praying every day for God’s plan to manifest. One thing …I do have peace with God because I know in my heart I did everything that God required of me.
Hi Lauren, Thanks and yes I agree. How wonderful to be in step with the Holy Spirit all the time. Thanks for all your feedback…iron sharpens iron.
Take care!
That is a great way to put it Persevering. Even Jesus submitted His words to only speak as the Father directed Him to (John 14:29-30). Wouldn’t it be awesome to be able to say along with Jesus “So whatever I say is just what the Father has told me to say”?
Hi Lauren (not Jaime),
I wanted to add the Scripture that the LORD led me to which is 1 John 5:16a “If anyone sees his brother commit a sin that does not lead to death, he should pray and God will give him life.” I was struggling with “What am I supposed to do, Lord, if not speak to someone when I see them sinning?” One time in the past I lovingly confronted a friend who was being sexually immoral. I showed her the scripture in 1 Cor. 5 and she basically said she didn’t care what the scripture said and that she was going to keep having sex w/ her boyfriend. I audibly heard the LORD say “Just love her and I will take care of the rest.” So, whatever the situation, we just need to be seeking the LORD on it first to find out if we’re the one HE wants to use to say something if HE wants anything said at all.
Hi Jaime,
My posts are not yet showing on the website and unfortunately I cannot look back at what I wrote. I don’t believe I said that 1 Corinthians was directed only to the Elders of the Church of Corinth though. A Christian judging another Christian should be done but not by just any Christian. If we think we’re spiritual, we might want to allow ourselves to be tested by those who are known to be spiritual in the Church (like the Elders) to see if that’s actually true. The plank in the eye is pretty invisible to most of us. The apostle Paul makes it clear we can’t truly even judge ourselves correctly. I audibly heard the Lord Jesus Christ tell me to “Stop judging” after I took communion last Sunday. Since then, HE revealed to me why. As far as my marriage is concerned, I (who am not yet spiritual) find it very comforting to leave the correcting to the Lord Jesus Christ and just pray for my husband. I’ve tried to gently correct my husband in the past and it has never turned out well. Walking in the Spirit happens in spurts for me but I’m no where near doing it 100% of the time. To those who are able to walk in the Spirit 100% of the time, that’s great, I’d love to learn from them.
Where does it indicate that in 1Corinthians 5:11 Paul is talking to Elders? I was looking and could not find that. The letter opens with a pretty inclusive greeting “To the church of God in Corinth, to those sanctified in Christ Jesus and called to be holy, together with all those everywhere who call on the name of our Lord Jesus Christ– their Lord and ours:” I can’t see where he adjusts his audience to only the Elders. Can you help me?
Likewise, I can’t see any reference to Elders in Galatians either. I would think that “you who are spiritual” refers to those who are walking by the Spirit and are exhibiting the Fruit of the Spirit, which ideally should be all of Jesus’ followers.
I agree with you that an argumentative attitude is not the way to ‘gently restore’. But at the same time, abdicating our responsibility to one another is not acting in love. Our love for others should motivate us to make sure we are spiritual (i.e. intentionally focused on seeing, hearing and knowing God through His Spirit) so that we can encourage them to do the same. Respect and love for your husband should be a motivation to be spiritual so that if he does head down the wrong path, the Holy Spirit is able to direct you to help ‘gently restore’ him. This is not a task left only to a select few who have attained a higher level of ‘spirituality’ than all the rest of us (i.e. pastors, elders, etc.)
Hi Jaime, By spiritual I mean someone like an Elder whose life is blameless, is not easily angered, whose children are obedient, etc. (Titus 1:6-9) – and yes, they would have to be walking in the Spirit (Galations 5) to be appointed as such. They have a responsibility to God to judge the Church i.e. 1 Corinthians 5:11-13. The apostle Paul was speaking to the spiritual people at the Church of Corinth, not to the whole Church. Unfortunately, for years I thought Paul was speaking to the whole Church in this passage and therefore have gotten into a lot of trouble for judging others when I had no right to do so but I was ignorant. Now, I finally understand that until I become spiritual (one who doesn’t argue or fight – which is my struggle) I am not to judge other Christians nor unbelievers (of course).
Persevering, how would you define “spiritual”? You said for yourself it is “non-argumentative” but how do you think the Bible uses it for all of us? Does the context of Galatians 6:1 (just following the fruits of the Spirit) help us understand what Paul means when he says “you who are spiritual should restore him gently”?
Hi Doris, I agree, it’s so important to take EVERY thought captive to the obedience of Christ. We may come off as judgemental if we don’t partake in the sin of other Christians but the Lord reminded me of His word and thankfully put it into context for me i.e. until I become spiritual (non-argumentative) I should not try to “help” another Christian (especially my husband) with their sin issue. Instead when I see a brother/sister sinning I need to pray (if their sin doesn’t lead to death) that God give them repentance (1 Jn. 5:16). When I become spiritual (no longer losing my temper when I get angry–the best gauge for this I’ve found is in my relationship w/ those closest to me)) then it’s okay with God for me to gently correct someone (Gal. 6:1). I wanted to clarify b/c it seems there’s this blanket “Do not judge” mentality in the Church right now but God’s Word tells us we need to judge other Christians (1 Cor. 5:11-13)–that is if we’re spiritual enough to do so.
Thanks for sharing Persevering. I think you make a very good point. we need to be very careful that we don’t adopt attitudes about our ‘rights’ from what we see in the Media. If we constantly see women being disrespectful to their husbands, that soon becomes the norm in christian circles as well. It’s funny to make fun of them, or tell stories about them. I was convicted of this years ago when I realized that all of my friends around the table were making fun of their husbands. Then and there I decided to apply Phil 4:8 to my thoughts of him and as a result that also impacted my speech. Something to learn that’s for sure.
Hello! I just wanted to plug a book that I got recently called “Created to be his Help Meet” by Debi Pearl. Debi is married to a pastor and has had her own flesh struggles when things didn’t go how she wanted them to but, she has some very encouraging things to say. Since the feminist movement in our culture, there has been such an increase of “Jezebel” type women (me included) in the Church. The Scripture says that “if necessary, suffering will be endured until our obedience is made complete”. Well, I’ve been living in rebellion all these years and not truly realizing to what extent until reading this book. Nevermind my husband – I have to get right with the Lord myself and do for my husband (respect and submit) because that’s my calling. Ladies, do not do what I did and get involved in “all sorts of ministry work” and think you’re pleasing the Lord if you’re not making being a godly helper to your husband your main ministry. My husband has been given authority over me by God Almighty and if my husband is sinning, that is to be dealt with by the Lord Jesus Christ Himself, not me. I have been usurping God’s authority (like Satan did) when I try to “teach” him something, and when I lose my temper with him. I have been totally deceived for too long and the Holy Spirit (by using this book) has helped me to see how Satan has duped me into thinking that I have the right to speak any way I want to towards my husband based on what he’s doing “wrong.” Finally, I’m going to have a glorious marrige (based on my obedience to the Lord Jesus Christ). Trusting God is necessary b/c He wants me to submit to my husband and respect him as an act of obedience to HIM. So, if any of ya’ll agree, and want to be free of being a Jezebel (lording over your husband and being friends with the world) get her book and conquer the enemy within (your flesh).
a good articel about husbands it is true we should respect husbands i try to repect my husband
Dear Pooh,
I’ve heard of Christian couple’s staying together after an infidelity – they said the Holy Spirit told them to stay together. Scripturally, Jesus was very specific about this issue though. He said EXCEPT for infidelity, a man and woman should remain married. If you are born again you can hear the voice of God (audibly with your spiritual ears). Seek Him on what to do and wait for Him to confirm what He wants you to do.
Renee thanks so much for taking the time to post your story and encourage the other ladies here on this thread! It’s so neat to hear that His redeeming love is still at work in lives and marriages today.
Sasha, you are so right…God never leaves us…we are the ones that turn from Him. When we realize that and turn back to him he is still right there waiting for us.
To Pooh,
You did what is natural, when you suspect something we look. Unfortunately we usually find what we do not really want to know. I would encourage you to pray for your husband, not just that he comes back to you and your daughter but for his salvation and his relationship with God. Also pray and ask God to heal your heart. I believe that marriage can be restored even with multiple infidelities, but it is not something we can do, but we have to trust God and give the burdens to him. God has something wonderful for you and your testimony will encourage someone else. Take this time to really connect and renew your relationship with God and seek his purpose and guidance for your marriage. Listen for his voice and his alone to help you and your husband. I will be praying for you! You are not alone.
I have read many of the entries and want to take a moment to encourage all who are fighting and trusting God for their families and marriages. I am blessed to be part of a phenomenal marriage ministry called Radical Love. Helping couples understand what causes conflict in their marriage and how to deal with it is the cornerstone of Radical. God created the marriage covenant and continually blesses those who honor it. For those who are dealing with infidelity, God can heal the heart, mind and spirit of those cheating spouses. I am a living testimony of this. My husband had an affair before our first anniversary. I trusted God and stayed and now 16 years later we are helping other couples. Stay encouraged. Getting a divorce will not make your life any better, you will continue to have the same problems in other relationships until you acknowledge the root of the problem and move out the way so God can restore and get the victory. Marriage is a lifelong journey. It was not promised to be easy but it will bring glory to God’s kingdom. I would encourage those who are struggling to find a ministry like Radical Love to help you get back on track. God has great things in store for those who honor his covenant and bring restoration to families. Stay focused on God during your trials and know that he will never give more than you can bear. Be encouraged!
I have known my husband for 20 something years out of those years we were seperated for 11 of them but continued seeing each other and being together. We have one daughter together and in 2010 we reunited. We were seperated because he was having an afair of 4 years with this other women while we were married and after I found out I took the advice of family and friends and I was young thought ok I can have an afair to and got caught he surprised me one evening and no we were not doing anything but still I was caught My husband left. Anyway after years of being seperated we united again and he has had a child a boy and that was a surprise he told me when I we were going to be united again I have caught my husband through the years with 6 other women so when we got back together again after I told him I wanted to work on our marriage even though others thought it wasn’t a good Idea but I believed God especially after being told by my pastor he saw us together again it happened but when we got back together I had changed I was a true Christian that believed strongly in Gods word and what the Lord had taught me I grew up and matured alot he hadn’t after 3 weeks I got caught having an afair he couldn’t tell me about I found out after going through his cell phone this is how I found out the others but i was always lead to I had a feeling he told me several times to stay out of his phone he would leave even though he was having this afair he continued to lie to me I had the truth her credit card her number and their text messages I tried to tell him this was wrong not fighting or argueing talking well after it blew up on facebook people that knew my husband they were even telling me he was bring this women to work with him every night I was not allowed to go he is a musician anyhow he left even after he said that if this afair was going to cause him to lose his daughter and destroy are family he would end it he left to go break up with the women i couldn’t go he didn’t show up until the next morning I had come home from church this is when he told me she made him happy and he wanted to be with her and he didn’t love me anymore and that things were not going to change between us I always had a hard time respecting my husband when it came to him telling me about the friends I chose I was always helping people the wrong ones and I was always going in his phone as I was lead to was I wrong is my question there are some that would say you had a right you were his wife especially if you were being lead to check his phone you know every time I was lead or I would pray and ask God to show me cause I didn’t want to think I was imagining things any way the truth was alway revealed two or three days later I just want to know was I wrong
hi my name is sasha and i was just reading all this stuff and i had to say is god is so good . always thought i could run and it would never catch up to me .. i would look at my self and tell my self who am i . i left my huband and he stayed faithfull to god and deep down god was telling me our place belogs to our husband. god plac them over us .. no matter wat we are go though.god well always move in us and help us but ask ur self this do u belive. or di u let ur circumstamce take ur eyes of god… onces i heard .. god never leaves us. we the one that leaves him
berni, how I wish I could just give you a giant hug but since I can’t, a cyberhug will have to do (((((((((berni)))))))) My heart definitely goes out to you as it sounds like you are in a very difficult and painful situation. May I suggest that you get in touch with one of our site’s online mentors by filling in the form here http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ Only God can change your husband’s heart but you definitely need someone to walk alongside of you on this journey.
HELP!
Me and my husband have been separated for over a year with very little comunication I recently talk to him and let him know I wanted to try make our marriage and family work (we have two children)but he told me he doesnt want to and moved on in his heart I know I have failed as a wife and mother but I believe in a second chance with God’s help but unsure if he will give me one because my husband told me he doesnt want me back he said he doesnt like my personality and said I am ugly and old looking and Im only 26 i was deeply hurt when he told me these things.So I dont know what to do all is hopeless and Iam so discouraged.I am starting to doubt God will ever do a something to help us.to bring us back together in all ways.
That is so powerful to identify the root lies that impact how we see and do life as adults!! Will be praying for you Persevering……
Thanks Doris. I agree…the devil loves to make you think you’re the only one…anything to isolate. Those lies keep people in Satan’s stronghold. The Truth sets us free. The new support group I’m going to is set on helping others detect the root lie (usually planted during childhood), renouncing it and announcing the truth (what God has to say about it). I can not wait to get started. Thank God He’s given us His Spirit of Truth Who will bring everything into the light. Take care.
That is awesome Persevering that he is getting help and that they have something for you too which is so important! Working it through together(or at least at the same time) definitely increases the effectiveness of getting help and do keep connected. As you already know that is also a key! Not to allow the enemy to isolate you and make you feel like you are all alone which you aren’t! Glad you find this website a blessing! Do keep visiting and commenting!
Hello Doris and thanks Bety for chimming in. I’m happy to say that my husband has received a prompting from the Lord to seek a deeper healing concerning the sexual abuse. The organization is called Reconciliation Ministries and they’ve got a support group for me too. We’re both going on the same night, me to the girls side and him on the guys. The Lord told me it’s going to be hard. I need all the support I can get so I want to stay connected with others and continue to work on my own recovery – from deep anger I’ve had since I was a child. I know forgiveness is key in that. Want to learn healthy ways to express myself when angered and have accountability. Your website is a blessing. May God continue to use it, you and the staff. God bless!
Amen to that Bety!Basing our marriage and our homes on Christ is definitely laying the right foundation. And if we truly treat our spouse as Jesus would, with love, honor and respect, our marriages will truly be different as a result. Let’s commit to not only making a difference not only in our families, but in the marriages of others by modelling godly relationships.
I was not raised in the Church, but was not taught even from my mother about respecting and showing love to my husband. Never saw it even between my parents. I have been married almost 29 years and our marriage is still trying to recover from devastation built up over the last few years because of I didn’t treat my husband with respect and love like I should have. I was mean and ugly to him. It was only his faith in God that has gotten me on the right track with God myself and everyday we are working on trying to rebuild our relationship. So having anyone, older or not to help educate younger people especially about showing love and respect in your marriage is crucial to any successful marriage. However, have a good Christian home is just as crucial. I am truth to that.
I totally agree Persevering that the need for older women in the church to be teaching younger women how to love and respect their husbands really is at a critical point. Too many of us have bought into the world’s beliefs that we need to be strong, live only for ourselves and put down our husbands instead of showing them love and respect. Instead if we choose to honor them and build them up we are often the exception rather than the rule.
Hello Doris,
I agree. Christianity is counter-cultural. Unfortunately, the culture we live in influences the church quite heavily. The need for the older women in the church teaching the younger women in the church how to love their husbands is at a critical point. In addition, our culture feeds off the women’s lib movement and with that influence on the church it has reinforced the “Jezebel” spirit. I have unknowingly been a “Jezebel” i.e. trying to be the head of my husband vs. the other way around. Thank God for His discipline.
You are so right ‘Persevering’. It is so worth it! The world talks about rights and what we are owed, but Scripture talks about love and respecting one another. It’s definitely counterculture, but if we all learned to do it, what a different world we would live in!
Hello Doris,
Thanks very much for your feedback. Your comment about just showing compassion and not offering advice is confirmation as I just read that someplace else recently. I will continue to pray for wisdom and strength to obey God in my marriage. Lots to unlearn and lots to learn. Rebuilding the ancient ruins takes a lot of time but I know it’ll be worth it.
Take care,
Persevering
Dear Persevering,
Thanks for stopping by. It sounds like you have faced many challenges in your marriage and I want to commend you for your desire to want to show respect and submit to your husband. May I just say that as someone who has been married for almost 36 years it’s always better to show compassion than to try to offer practical advice which is most often taken as nagging! At the same time though, I also know though it’s better not to get into the ‘mud puddle’ with them so there is a fine line. The best advice I can give is to pray, pray, pray for wisdom as to how to encourage him along the journey. If you would like a personal mentor from this site to walk the journey with you, just click on the ‘Talk to a Mentor’ link above and she will contact you by email.
Hello, I’m in a marriage with a man who was sexually abused as a child. I was the first person he told about it – that was about eight years ago. We’re both Christians and we’ve both had one-on-one and couples Christian counseling throughout the years. It’s been a trial for me because before we were married (and before we were Christians) we had sex. On our wedding night he rejected my advances and he didn’t pursue me on our honeymoon. For the longest time he wouldn’t talk with me about why we weren’t having sex which made me go through the roof. I acted out in rage (physical, emotional and verbal abuse) towards him which led me into recovery. I’ve been attending Celebrate Recovery (an international Christian 12-step support group) for about five years now. My husband joined a couple years ago. We’re making progress although we haven’t had sex in about two years (I’d say since we’ve been married we’ve had sex about 20 times.) He’s just about to start attending a men’s sexual abuse support group as well. I’ve learned to appreciate that God is using the situation to produce perseverence, patience and strength of character in me (in us both) but I really need advice on how to best respect and submit to him. He’s not like other men i.e. he’s very emotional and I’m more factual/practical for the most part. He’s currently down emotionally for various reasons i.e. dad issues/gas price issues/etc and I feel he wants me to join him there rather than offer ways to get out of the “mud puddle”. I mean, Jesus didn’t get into the mud with people, He encouraged people to take heart. I think my husband subconciously enjoys being in the “mud puddle” because it’s familiar – unhealthy, but familiar. What do you suggest? Should I just show compassion and comfort him or should I offer practical advice or should I try to do both? Thanks!
Dear Editor -
THANK YOU for editing my last post. AFter I posted it, I had a real check from the Lord and wanted to retract exactly what you removed but didn’t know how. THANK YOU.
I haven’t seen the Terms of Service – are they these at the bottom of the page or are there Terms specifically for this forum?
hello,
My issue in respecting my husband is he claims to be repentant from porn, lying,habitually cheating on me, ect, but i catch him in little lies often and i find dating websites in email and search engine history. When I ask him to explain he denies that he looked at it and claims it was a pop up or he is still receiving emails from the past that he has to unsubscribe to.how long does it take to get rid of all the women sites coming to the inbox, I have given him over a year. I want to obey God and my love for God runs deep. I discern in my spirit something is not of God in him, although he has many people fooled( at church,work, ect) I dont want to live in my past but how do I know if he is for real if he doesnt show me he is different he just says it?
Dear Crushed Like a Bug,
You’re overseas in missions? I applaud you for sticking to the project. Now I have a better understanding of your situation.
You know what? You sound victorious. Not as if things have changed for you, but you sound like the overcomer you are. God is answering prayer.
[comment redacted by editor. Please refer to our Terms of Service]
I’ll keep praying!
love,
cath
Where the Holy Spirit leads, He produces results way beyond your ability to accomplish…..this is how the Lord is working in my/our life right now. I was called to the mission field several years ago. He has changed me, and is refining my heart in prep. for the next mission…and the next stages in mine, my husbands and my familie’s lives. I appreciate your sincere advice, as I’ve tried counseling with my husband, but we were unable to pay for it, and our insurance did not cover it. I am keeping a close eye on all of our affairs, financial, etc. and have another person helping us while we are away….Thank you for your prayers!!! I will keep you posted, and for now, it’s our goal to finish our project before heading back to the states.
Dear Crushed Like a Bug,
I work from home, so I obviously check my email every day. I was delighted this morning to find a note from you. I was wondering what happened to you.
Honey, your husband is obviously mentally unwell. The hard evidence of that is the fact that he can’t or won’t be wrong, and that he must maintain control (i.e., of your finances). One wonders why. Again, that’s information we need to process and track, as there’s always a reason for our behaviors. We live what we believe, and your husband believes he must be right and in control at all costs, which of course leaves you and your son in the terribly difficult situation you are in.
Now that you’re out of the country, I’m not sure what your options are are to financial options. My questions include: could you take care of yourself on your income, w/o your husband’s, if you had to? Do you have access to a good, Bible believing church? Do you have access to counseling? If so, would your husband go with you? Do you have a network of people there who love you and support you?
The ice-cream thing is so weird it’s surreal.
Since I only have contact with you, my concern is for your welfare. How is your walk with God going? How’s your prayer life? He alone has the answers that will get you through this, and you need that lifeline open and clear. You have to pray like your life depends on it, and so does your son’s. You have to get wisdom, and He’s the source of it. Keep reading. Keep praying. Answers will come, as will the strength to keep moving.
Please keep me posted. I am praying for you.
cath
Dear Cath, I’ve been out of the country…decided to check for more answers on how to better cope with the man I married over 20 years ago. It does not help that we’re in another country, and that our work takes a front row seat to everything going on in our lives. I thought taking this new direction would strengthen our marriage, but I see his self-centered traits are still the leading cause of my unhappiness. It’s as if he’s always trying to, “one-up-me.” When our co-workers are not around, he’s quiet and to himself, but when they are he’s the life of the party. The way he treats our son by chastising him in public, as well as the work I do, causes us humiliation. I want to go home, but I’m not sure where home is anymore. If I go back to our old life, he’ll control me with finances. I feel I need to go back to school and finish my education, and so I am seriously considering this, even though I’m in over 50…The reason I said that it’s partially my fault is because of the way I have reacted to our problems in the past. I know I’ve flown off the handle in frustration, I’ve raised my voice because he won’t stop to listen to me. These are the things I can control, yet I have a hard time doing it sometimes. When he’s listening to me, like today, and repeats something back so off the wall, it makes me want to scream. Especially what he says he thought he heard is so strange, it’s something that makes no sense..and something I would not do. Like today, he said I told him I put ice-cream in his lunch to keep it cold. WHAT? Why would anyone do that, let alone, why would he think I said that? I put ice-cubes in a baggy, and told him not to use them as they were from a frig in the hotel that were old…Then he defends what he thought I said, like he thinks I would even consider the ice-cream thing…Ugh! it irritates me…Anyway, thanks for listening. God Bless you for your concern, and for listening.
and Augusta – I didn’t mean the “duh” toward you, but rather, toward your husband. It seems obvious that he needs to put you first.
<3
Augusta, You need to insist that if he maintains these friendships, you need to be part of them. I’m talking about face-to-face meetings, and cc’s on email. It needs to be threesomes or nothing. YOU come first. Any man that respected you and your marriage would think of that.
Your husband definitely needs help.
I hate that he has no friends, but hey, that’s hard for lots of us, myself included, and I don’t foster relationships with men. Sorry, but, “duh.”
If the girl in particular won’t meet you, that’s information you need to process. There’s always a reason. In this case, I’m thinkin, A. she’s got the hots for him, or B. He has them for her and she knows it and feels guilty, or C., both A and B are true.
To make this work again? You need to be whole. Get a network in Christ/ and a church that’s committed to Biblical truth, and go from there. In the meantime, we’re here for you.
cath
Your suggestions are right. All I’m wondering is it ok to ask him to go to counseling and to give up all the single girls he has contact with? I need him to put them to the side and build on our marriage before we can include them in our relationship. He has friends that are signle girls and he betrayed my trust but letting them think they had a chance to be with him or lead them on. He didnt physicaly cheat but emotionaly he did. Is this to much to ask of him? He’s seems to be more worried about the Friendship with one girl then giving me what I need to trust him again. He says he has no friends and yes he has very little but the both of us have very little friends because of work schedules. The friend that is a girl will not meet me, i’ve asked her too and she has something against me. She once had feelings for him and I’m not sure if she still does. where do we start to make this work again?
Hey Stargazer:
I suggest divorcing the SOB. You might try one last stab at counseling first but I doubt that it would do much good. I am so sorry that this man treated you this way.
Blessings on you and yours
Joh Wilder
Dear Stargazer,
Your post broke my heart. I’ve been praying for you. Honey, you don’t mention if you have kids or not, I’m assuming so because you’re afraid you’ll “live alone forever feeling my family is lost.” What do you mean by that? Are you implying that you’d lose your kids if you left this man?
You know, it seems like we’re always encouraging the women who post here to find a good counselor, and this is a good example of why we do so. With only a “snapshots’” worth of information, we can’t gauge how the movie starts or what all is involved in the conflict.
That said, knowing nothing but what you’ve posted here – that your husband tried to have sex with someone else (and it’s far worse than that if it was a “relative”) – personally speaking, I’d leave. I did NOT say divorce, because as I said, I have no idea of the details here. I can say that I’d push the envelope and show some initiative. I’d get my kids away from that person who could be a threat to them. If your kids’ dad abdicated his position of being their protector, that is, if their protector is trying to molest someone, my job would be to get the kids away or they could be the next ones he tries to hurt.
As to what you said about God, I can say that He promises always to Redeem, but not to reverse, our choices. You chose this man. God chose you, to care for you and promises to be the Prince of Peace, Wonderful Counselor, and again, Redeemer, to you. His kingdom of peace is ever internal though, often external, but not unconditionally. As I said, He will not always save us from the choices we make in life. He gets us through them.
And by redeeming them, I mean that He makes all things work together for good when we love Him first and foremost, though it may take a lifetime to see it all play out.
I sincerely hope you find someone you can trust that you can talk to who will give you solid, Biblical counsel.
I’ll be praying for you. Bank on it.
cath
I have been married 25 years and have tried this for years. I prayed daily. I was told to make a list of 10 good things but couldn’t think of that many. I tried to view the positive. His advances were anything but loving but I responded anyway with enthusiasm at first and then in later years in tears as I felt used and abused but it was my duty. I did what I was supposed to do and he ended up trying to have sex with his own relative. Now what? I live forever with a loveless, disrespectful marriage or I live alone forever feeling my family is lost forever. Either one looks like hell to me. What is the guy supposed to be doing? And what if the woman does her part to the best of her ability and he just doesn’t? I thought God would work in our relationship anyway but obviously not.
Hey Aza:
I can understand your sense of betrayal. I have a couple of questions. Is this been habitual or a one time thing? Does your husband want things or frequency that you are not providing to him in bed. If say, you have a part in this as well and are not blameless. If he wants to make it work and you have children, I highly recommend that you work it out with him for your sake and that of your children. The divorce rate on second and third marriages are 75% and 85% respectively so your options are bleak if you divorce him. The children from a broken home don’t fare well either. If he is truly repentant, I suggest that you work it out with him.
Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder
hi..im having trouble to respect my husband after he cheated on me…although i have forgiven him, but deep inside it eats me up..i find it hard to do house chores..and making love is the hardest chore now…without sex, it worsens the situation…i’ve asked for a divorce but he still wants to hang on.what should i do?
Dear Crushed Like a Bug,
To Audrey, you wrote,
“I am no longer angry but I am disappointed, and I am dealing with his inappropriate behavior the best way I can.”
Being disappointed is GREAT in that it’s the first part of change. It means you’re not in denial, but are living in reality. Reality takes the wisdom of the Lord and faith and Divine Strength to accept things as they are, as fantasy-land more often than not, is maintained without merit. So, congrats for being on the right track.
What I don’t get is your comment, “the anxiety of being told it’s my fault is partially true.” What’d you mean by that?
cath