10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband
With downcast eyes, Kathryn confided, “I have a hard time respecting my husband. I want to be obedient to God’s command, but I don’t want to be dishonest to my feelings.”
God doesn’t command a wife to feel respectful toward her husband. She is to be respectful. Her responsibility is to obey God; not her feelings.
A wise woman once told me, “If you want a truly fine husband, respect him at the level at which you want him to reach. A man will usually not rise above the level at which his wife respects him.” This is a general principle, not a hard and fast rule because God does not put accountability or responsibility for a man’s character on his wife. Nevertheless, strong evidence indicates a woman holds great power to make or break a man. In his book His Needs, Her Needs,
Willard Harley amends the saying “Behind every great man is a great woman” to “Behind every great man is an admiring wife.”
Something in a man needs the respect of his wife. He thrives and grows toward godliness when his need is fulfilled. This explains why God emphatically says, “The wife must see to it that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33 NASB).
10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband
- Pray for him dailyand trust God to answer your requests.
- Pray for his well-being, wisdom, protection, blessings, guidance, knowledge, spiritual maturity, success, purity, strength in temptation, etc.
- Look for God’s answers to your prayers.
- Thank God for working in your family.
- Thank God for your husband.
- Pray for your attitude.
- Remember that God has put your husband in a position of leadership, and He will lead you through your husband.
- Make a list of your husband’s qualities that you appreciate. Review and add to your list regularly.
- Tell your husband what you appreciate about him. Tell others what you appreciate about him.
- Don’t criticize your husband to others – especially your children.
- Look for the positive side of things that you may find irritating. If you find it boring when he spends time telling you about his bad day, remember that at least he is talking to you, spending time with you, sharing his concerns with you, bringing you into his confidence, and giving you the chance to be an encourager and helper.
- Respond to his loving advances with enthusiasm.
- If you are concernedabout a decision your husband has made, ask him the following:
- “I’m confused about _________. Can you explain it to me?”
- “Can we talk about _____? I feel uncomfortable about ______.”
- Don’t ask: “WHY in the world would you do it that way?” or ask “Why?” in any way that implies you think he is foolish.
- Respect his likes and dislikes. If he likes a particular food, make a point of serving that regularly. If he hates the color purple, don’t wear purple in his presence. If he likes you to wear perfume, do it.
- If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about your husband, stop and choose to think of something else – especially things from your positive quality list.
Remember, God is working on you and your husband. You can both learn from your failures as well as your successes. Give God the freedom to teach your husband through failure. In the same way, give God the freedom to teach you to trust Him through your husband’s failure.
At anonymous female who said “this is thouroughly sexists advice, iif you have so many problmes with your husband that you are looking for this type of advice, get a divorce. and remmeber that if you like the color purple you should wear it, and remember that he can make his own food. you should crtiizice him, especially if it is constructive, and finally remeber that you lead your own life, and you can choose to do something your husband disaprooves of. you are your own person, and god talks to you through you. this is the 21st century for gods sake”… why are you even reading any of this stuff… you obviously do not know God, nor do you have any clue. I pray some day your eyes will be opened to Truth.
Dear Mr. Andrew:
I wrote that letter knowing it will not be taken seriously by my co-worker since she knows I’m married and will not give up my family. 2nd reason I was able to express my feelings knowing it will not prosper and have no intention of make it a reality since we are already far away from each other, its been already 6 months that we have been apart when i made and sent that letter and we don’t have a regular communication since we been separated, besides she never took me seriously. I showed my appreciation for her since she was very kind and attractive, and no men will not fall for her. If i wanted to betray my wife then I would have been man enough to take advantage of our closeness before, but I did not, because i love my family. So for me its a very shallow reason to condemn me of betraying her for the letter has no bearing at all, it even looks like a joke, a lie, it should be my co-worker who should be angry and betrayed for i was not honest with her during those times when we working together, that i have inner feelings for her that i hid, and revealing in that way she should have been insulted.
For me I think my wife took it the other way around, took it seriously, acted emotionally and tried to justify her doubts on me, besides that letter was not meant for her, so why did she snooped around to find a dirt in me? If i wanted to have an affair why would i do it this way, thru a letter, whats the point in that?
Because of that issue, was it enough to be considered a betrayal of trust to the point of making me the worst person she ever knew, a criminal, she said a lot of foul words to me, made me feel I’m the most evil person in the world.
Is that how high her standard of judging me, as if I have not done or contributed anything good to our family for 10 years, its like looking at blank paper with a small dot, and you forget to look at those other big spaces without that dot. She even blamed me for all the bad things that happened to her in the past, and the present and perhaps even in the future. That what I did was unforgivable. I think she is blaming me too much for reasons i don’t understand anymore, I think there is more to this, she was not like this before, I hate to think she is become paranoid over this issue, but still I’m trying to think of her as she was before, and not this person saying these bad and foul words.
I’m coming home soon, but I’m don’t know what to say, react or think when i will meet her, for I know with her current anger, apologizing or explaining things will not matter anymore for she have closed her mind, so I even don’t know if I should see her, for i also feel very disappointed because i was judge without giving a chance to explain.
So I’m asking an advice on how should i go about this issue, what to say, what to think, how to react.
Sometimes i think i just let her think whatever she wants to think of me, and get out of her way and just let time heal the issue, but my children will then be asking a lot of questions to which i don’t know how to answer.
I pray that God will solve this issue for me but then I again I know He will ask me to do the first step which I don’t know, so I’m really confused.
Hope you could enlighten me more, I’m only human, I make mistakes.
Thank you and hope for your kind support.
this is thouroughly sexists advice, iif you have so many problmes with your husband that you are looking for this type of advice, get a divorce. and remmeber that if you like the color purple you should wear it, and remember that he can make his own food. you should crtiizice him, especially if it is constructive, and finally remeber that you lead your own life, and you can choose to do something your husband disaprooves of. you are your own person, and god talks to you through you. this is the 21st century for gods sake
@Java
I understand that it must be very frustrating for you and not knowing what direction you should take or what you should do. The most important issue which you seem to not quite understand is that even though you never touched your co-worker in a physical way you became emotionally attached to your co-worker. To make matters even worse you acted on this emotion and expressed your desire and love for your co-worker.
You broke the emotional trust to your wife as for her that is the same thing as cheating on her because you gave something that did not rightly belong to your co-worker. Your one and only hope to restoring your marriage and gaining any type of trust is to first ask Christ to forgive you and for Christ to heal your wife and your marriage. It is important that you agree with your wife and that what you did was wrong and ask for forgiveness. You may have already done so but if you have not then I suggest that you ask her for forgiveness. You must respect your wife’s feelings as their are most likely deeper issues of trust than just sending a letter.
One of the other suggestions that I would offer is to visit a Christian counselor to discuss the situation with him. He would be much better qualified to help guide you. Their are no easy answers as after years of issues it is impossible to force someone to listen to you when you have broken the trust and believe you are in the right. God Bless
Dear Jamie:
Greetings.
I would like to know your advise regarding my problem.
Last Feb 2012, i sent a romantic letter to a far-away co-worker(friend).
In that letter i expressed my feeling of falling in love with her.
A feeling of love that is different in a sense its more of an appreciation.
I sent this after we got separated for 6 months.
During my stay with her I never revealed my true feelings for her nor did I took advantage of our friendship and her kindness.
My wife later on found-out about this letter after I have already transferred to another company in another country.
She was very furious about it and accused me of betraying her.
From that point on she lost her trust and respect with me.
I explained her it’s not an issue anymore for I have not laid a finger on that women nor i revealed my true feelings for her for I respected my marriage,but she has closed her mind and heart. She does not listen and started finding faults on me. She said bad things about me, she even got more mad at me when I disagreed in buying another house because I can’t afford it. She started demanding more money for our family expenses, but i can’t send more for I just have barely enough to save for an emergency. And she accused me of send it to another woman or another person. she treated me as the worst person she ever had in her life. I admit i make mistakes, but is that reasonable enough to bad mouth me and even curse me as if i was a criminal. Now she is threatening me that I may not see my children or even visit them without her permission. I want to talk to her but I don’t know what to say or how to begin, because she’s been dominating me and I fear she will not listen since she considers me as her enemy and the reason for all her misfortune. So what to do, please I need your advice. thank you
Hi trapped, I am glad you were able to find us here and feel safe in sharing your concerns. I know it can be a anxious thing not to be able to trust if you are hearing God properly or not. I want you to know that Jesus promised that you can know His voice. When He described Himself as the Good Shepherd he said, “He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.” (John 10:3-4)
So what have you heard God saying to you?
I’m a past my mid thirties and i’m dating currently living with my boyfriend of 28. We are not married. The topic has come up but we have a very unhealthy unstable messy relationship. He has been both verbal and physical abusive. in the Last 2 weeks he has not been physical but we continually fight. we are both christians and he says he is trying. I also do not trust him becuase i found him talking inappropiately with girls on fb and by text. He says he loves me and wants to make our relationship work, he wants to be with me and build a future together. We recently started to visit his church he introduced me as his girlfriend for the first time. He’s had me hidden from certain groups in his life. He is now starting to give me a place in his life. but it’s just so painful to be with him. Nothing i do seems to please him. I can’t talk about how something makes me feel becuase he gets really angry and it becomes a fight that can last all night or hours. in these fights he diminishes me and tells me it’s not about me or my feelings that i’m prideful and only thinking of myself he insults me and makes me feel worthless. i don’t know that i am doing the right thing enduring all this pain and confusion. i don’t know that i am listening to God correctly. i have changed so much to be a submissive woman. respectful but i’m at the edge. i don’t know what to do.
I am so sorry to hear about your pain, Confused. Have you and your wife tried marriage or pastoral counselling? Is she willing? Perhaps it would benefit you, if your wife is unwilling to go to counselling together, to seek individual counselling from your pastor or a Christian counsellor to learn how to cope in this relationship in which it appears that your wife is resistant to your needs. Not always cooking for you is not necessarily disrespectful in itself, depending on the circumstances, Confused. Have there been difficulties in the relationship between your mother and your wife that could be resolved by the three of you talking with a third party, such as a pastor or a counsellor? If you would like to talk with someone confidentially about your marriage relationship, please feel free to fill out the form associated with the following link:
http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
Someone will respond to you privately and come alongside you for support and encouragement, Confused. God bless you.
I write this message full of tears in my eyes. I’m a young male married and have 2 children. My wife has never been able to provide me with the respect I deserve. She walks away at times when I try and speak to her about matters that bother me. She sometimes does not even cook for me.She does not want my children to even visit my mother. If we need to go somewhere without the kids we can only leave the kids by her mother. I love her and I agree to all her decissions as if I disagree then she becomes angry for days. My Mom does not even feel comfortable to even visit as she always feels as if she is not welcome. I sometimes think of divorce but I made a promise that I will raise my kids with both parents. I could never live without my kids. When I try and speak to her about the relationship between her and my Mom she always finds a way to blame my Mom for the way their relationship is. My mom tries so hard to be nice to my wife but all my wife can do is find fault in my mom. I have spoken to her parents before and things got better thereafter, but after some time she changed. She will not even offer my mother something to drink when she is around, I have to offer my mom. If it was not for my kids I would just leave to start up a new life. Please help what can I do, I pray for her to be a better person daily…
DC I am so glad you had the courage to post your concerns here. I know I don’t need to remind you that God so often uses others to help point us in the right direction. That is why Satan is so happy when we keep our struggles to ourselves; that way we don’t give the Body of Christ an opportunity to love us and point us towards Jesus, the perfecter of our faith. And you know that the struggle you and your husband are in is not against each other but as Paul writes, “against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” (Ephesians 6:12)
So what happened with the church you guys planted? Did that end as you had hoped or were there problems that led you to leave that area? I know church planting can be such a difficult task and there are many pastors who have been deeply impacted by the experience and their faith has truly been shaken. From the way you describe the issue it makes me wonder if there wasn’t something that happened in that experience for you guys that has shaken you and your husband’s relationship with your Lord and it is coming out as a problem with each other. I certainly could be off on that though.
Let me encourage you though, because in Jesus Christ all of your needs are met. If you look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Human Needs, prior to the Fall, all of those needs were met in God. Adam and Eve were perfectly happy together because they weren’t dependent on each other for their happiness but they could share together in their happiness in God. The Fall changed that for all of the rest of us but when we have been transformed by the sacrifice of Jesus we can once again look to Him for our completeness.
To look to your husband to meet your needs is to misplace your source. He will never be able to meet your needs. He will never make you a good person or a good mother. Only Jesus Christ can do that. Paul writes, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13) Paul doesn’t give the power to anyone else but our Lord.
That does not mean the love in marriage is somehow irrelevant. It is in that relationship that we are able to carry out our role as stewards of this Creation and how we are able to fill the Earth with God-honouring children. And yes, your marriage needs to be healed. Jesus can do that, and He will do that. You just need to keep your attention on Him. Listen to our Good Shepherd’s voice and follow where He leads you. He will show you how to respond to your husband’s coldness. He will tell you what to speak and when to be silent. He will strengthen you to show love to your son and help him to see our loving Saviour in spite of the tension that is in your home. “Come to me all of you who are weary and burdened; and I will give you rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:28) Jesus will provide everything you need to face this season that your family is going through. He will use you to help your husband through his shadowed valley.
Lord God I pray for my brother and sister. They are Your children who have given of themselves to serve the needs of the people of Your church and they are now in need of some love and building up. I pray that You would be all that DC needs right now. I pray that she would find in Your grace a sufficiency for every moment. I pray that Your Holy Spirit would help her to fix her eyes on You and to produce in her the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Bring brothers and sisters into her life who will help them both to stand firm in You during these dark days. Guard their son so that he will see Your hand in his parent’s lives and set him on a trajectory of godliness and service in Your name and for Your kingdom. I pray all this in the powerful name of Jesus, amen.
DC we can keep talking here or you may feel more comfortable talking to one of our online mentors. You can have a little more privacy and still find someone who will point you to Jesus and His strength in You. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor.
My husband and I have been married for 25 years. We have one son… All we do is fight. We were church planters from 2000-2004, and then we moved from that area.. Since that time, all the goals we had together, decided together, prayed together are gone. Now its the year 2012, and my husband has grown tired of me. For the last 4 years, I tell him how I feel, that I don’t feel loved or honored in the home. He makes decisions without me. When I offer my opinion, it’s dismissed. If I want to change something, it’s dismissed. He dismisses me every time, says it’s not true. He tells me to get away from him, go away; I don’t have time for you. He says he’s tired of hearing about my heart. I pray and cry out to the Lord and repent for my heart and I try to share that with my husband and he will say “what else do you have.” I am ready to leave the marriage. I am so hungry for love and honor, and our son has now reaped the mess of our marriage conflict. He is a mess as well. The scripture says we shouldn’t separate, but how I can survive without love. It’s the air women breathe. I can’t be a good person or a good mother, if my most basic needs are not met, can i?
Julia, your words are very clear. Thank you for sharing your experience here.
Lord God I thank You for Julia and the way that she represents You to her children, her husband and to the rest of us here. I pray that You would help her to reveal Your love to her husband and that he would become a follower of Jesus. I also ask that You would continue to use the support of other people to pray for Julia and her family.
Lord God I also pray for Sarah Ali. I ask that You would care for her and her children. Care for their needs and help them to find a solid support network of Christians who can help care for their needs in the absence of her husband. Heal that family. Amen.
sorry.. I mean of course:hopefully they are NOT twisting the meaning of my words …
ps.ps. I am from Scandinavia and English is my second language only, I make some lingual mistakes and hopefully they are twisting the meaning of my words and intentions too much.
p.s. Remember, if he is abusive, he has crossed any decent limit ! Feel free to walk away, – Do not listen to your in-laws,- they will probably not react since they are too shameful about the situation. Muslims in general will try to make up good appearances at any cost ,- especially if there are problems with a son! They feel that they have failed as parents if he is misbehaving. It is NOT your responsiblity to solve that. They are adults and have to deal with their own shame and actions.
@ Sarah Ali,
i am married to a muslim man too for 20 years, having three children. The sitation you describe is not your responsiblity to solve alone. You have, according to your own words, done your best to build up a home and taken care of your kids. You deserve full respect. If he has left you like that without support he is violating his own relgios laws in Islam (if he has not had any sexual relationship with you for more than three months you are entitled to a divorce in Islam!) and the second in Islam: being responsible for the wellbeing and economy of his household.
I have come to know Christ after I married my husband and this has caused many trouble in my marriage and in relation to the children. he accepts me attending a church but is very reluctant to prayermeetings and additional prayer study groups. Find good honest Christian believers who understands your situation and are willing to pray, pray and pray. Remember you are free to walk away from this situation since God never put principles (regarding divorce) above the wellbeing of relationshBips. You are free to walk away . The Bible clearly states that if he is not willing to be with you,- let him walk away. I encourage you to find a good solicitor and wish you all wisdom, love, self-respect … May you find your way in life.
Many greetings and best wishes dear, Sarah Ali
Sara Ali, The first thing you need to do is make sure that you and your kids are not in physical danger. You said that your husband has become abusive – you need to protect yourself from that. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to have your husband in another country, that must be awful, but it sounds like it might not be healthy for you to be close to him at the moment. If he is violent he needs to get help before he can come back into the family. Have you considered changing the locks on the house so he cannot surprise you there? Abuse is very serious and very scary and I do not believe that God asks anyone to just stay and take it.
I am so sorry to hear that your in laws are not supportive of you at all. Do you have other members who do support you? This is not a easy road and you’re going to need some help. It sounds like you have done everything you could do and still he walked away. Pray for him. Pray for your family. I cannot tell you if he will come back or not, if he does he needs to understand that he must change his behaviour before you can welcome him back. He is your husband, but you are not required to let him hurt you. I think that the safety of you and your children comes first, if he is willing to seek help perhaps the family can be restored?
You mentioned that you bought a house on your own. That may turn out to be a good thing. It means that you have a place to stay. Do you live close by your in laws? If they are rude to you consider limiting your contact with them. You are not the one who broke your vows and your husbands actions are not your fault. It is unfair of them to punish you for what he has done. If they cannot be civil and you do not live with them, perhaps you’ll need to spend less time with them until they can treat you with more respect.
There is a LOT of power in a wife’s respect for her husband to revolutionize the marriage. I address this topic a lot on my blog if you are interested. http://Www.peacefulwife.wordpress.com. Praying for healthy, vibrant, intimate marriages!
i m married for 12 years, i hav done what a maximum woman can do.he never respected me for my efforts,i raised children alone for years, purchased a house on my own. he is into women, affairs, alchol despite being a muslim. every body who know us says that he is unlucky not to realize how blessed he is.he lost his job because of his excessive socializing and bad habbits from the army.still i stood with him but he never acknowledged my efforts and has gone extremely abusive. he has moved to another country leaving me and kids behind. he doesnot call for weeks. i am managing everthing alone along with rude in laws. icant take more ,advise me
Hi Lipsa, It is going to be very difficult for your husband to never see another woman in pubic. Such casual contact is usually not a threat to a relationship. It sounds like you might be reacting to something that happened in the past. Has your husband ever given you a reason not to trust him? Have you witnessed a situation in someone else’s marriage where something bad happened that makes you afraid?
It sounds like this fear of contact is having a negative impact on your life. You say that your husband is a good man and that you are too negative – it could be that you can feel yourself over reacting but are not sure why you do it or how to stop. Have you considered seeing a marriage counsellor together? A counsellor could help you find a healthier way to deal with the fear and a better strategy to feel safe when you’re out in public together.
i have a calm n good husband but I feel very unhappy when we go out..I don’t want my husband see other girls..he doesn’t see even but sometimes it is unavoidable like receptionist or saleswoman..he sees in a positive sense and said me considers all as human beings or sisters ..but I anticipate too negative and quarrel with him on public places too and ask many questions repeatedly..please help me
I enjoyed both the concerns and the comments. There are solo many issues to deal with in marriage. I’m putting my trust in the word.
Hi! I’m trying! I try so hard to respect my husband and honestly I really, really do! I love him and we’ve always had a great relationship but I think we have also both of us struggled with anxiety. He had a father who abused him and his mom, and I had parents who were very hard to communicate with. Recently it seems like so many times I guess I say the wrong things or he misunderstands and it turns into a big argument and it’s like he’s having a hard time trusting me and he says I always want things my way and I have an ego. I definitely don’t feel like I have an ego, I feel the opposite…low self-esteem. Then if I feel like I’m just communicating my thoughts and feelings he takes it all the wrong way. I feel like he used to listen and encourage me better but now thinks its all just attacks on him or taking things too seriously. He says he really loves me, and I know he does but now he is saying if I cry again he’s just not going to talk to me and it may take many days before he talks to me again. His saying this makes me even more anxious and wanting to cry. How do I even express myself when I feel so scared he will suddenly misinterpret and we’ll start arguing. I get scared of being emotionally left alone. How do I earn back his trust? How do I show him and tell him that I respect and love him? How do I not be scared of myself…that I’ll ruin our relationship? We used to talk for hours, now I’m scared. Plus with his depression he still deals with from his past, I want to be an encouragement for him, but I feel so bad that I made him feel bad. I’m trying, but I’m just really confused right now and DO NOT want to get anxious!
Claire – Thank you for your comments. My husband does have a lot of anger. I have been reading a book called the “Power of a praying wife” by Stormie Omartian. It has given me the words to use in prayer when praying for his past. My husband and his ex-wife hurt each other very badly during an 8 year custody battle. I think they both still suffer the effects. We have talked with a counselor together and our pastor. I feel like he makes progress sometimes and then when she does something that gets him angry or isn’t in the best interest of the kids then all those feelings come back. I will continue praying for him. He is kind and really much of a servant to all he knows except when it comes to her. I just worry about the unforgiveness he holds in his heart. I read that if we have unforgiveness in our heart then God doesn’t hear our prayers. I also know the bible says we are to love our enemies. When I try to tell him he should just love her and work with her he gets upset and says I am not supporting him. I will keep praying. I know I haven’t felt the pain and hurt that he has but I know that kind of hatred is really hurting him.
Darlene, I think you’re on the right track. First pray. Pray lots, which you are doing so that’s excellent. Second, I totally agree with you – when he says negative things about his ex-wife that hurts his kids. People forget sometimes that a child bears the characteristics of the parent. Not all, but some. If you hear “your mother was X, Y, Z” over and over you’re going to believe that you are X, Y, Z also. I wonder if it would be possible for you to talk to him about making your home a neutral zone? Would he be willing to not speak negatively about his ex-wife in your house if he had somewhere else where it was appropriate for him to do that?
Exes and step parenting is always going to be challenging, but it can be done with great success. I think that it might help to remind your husband that you in this marriage with him, right now, but you were not a part of his previous marriage and while you do love him, so much, you cannot participate in bringing this kind of negativity into your home. Remind him that you are on his side, always, but tell him that you will not bad mouth his ex-wife because there is too much potential for the kids, kids that you love too, to be hurt. It sounds like he has a lot of anger that he is still dealing with from the first relationship. Has he seen a counsellor at all to work through that? Does he have any kind of hobby that could help him let that anger out in a healthier way? (A good friend of mine took up boxing in the wake of her own divorce. She said there were times when she was so angry she just felt like hitting something and the boxing training gave her a safe place to do that. She’d go to the gym and pound a heavy bag until she felt like herself again.)
It sounds to me like the “you don’t respect me” and “I can’t do anything right” comments are coming out of your husband’s hurt, like collateral damage. You’re not the one he’s mad at, but you’re the one he can yell at. It’s a coping mechanism but not a very good one. It is not your job to be the recipient of his pent up emotions from a relationship that was nothing to do with you. It IS your job to support him and as a spouse it’s also your job to help him grow and be the best possible version of himself. Is there a pastor you could talk to? That could help as well.
Hi all. I really like the article and am working hard on being respectful to my husband. We are newly married and both have teenagers. He has an awful relationship with his X and his disdain and unkind feelings for her is in anything he mentions about her. He doesn’t directly bad-mouth her but his tone and questioning make his feelings quite evident. I have been correcting him when he does it and he is not happy with me. I feel like he wants me to hate her as much as he does but I simply cannot. I feel like I am helping him by letting him know what he is saying or how he is saying things is hurtful to his kids but when I do I get “you don’t respect me” and “I can’t do anything right.” I have tried to speak the truth in love but I feel like he can’t hear me because of his bitterness and unforgiveness with his X-wife. I am praying. Any suggestions?
Hi Nic, Oh that’s wonderful! Your response encouraged me too! God bless and Merry Christmas!
Thank you Persevering. I think you said just what I needed to hear, I feel a calm about everything that I havent felt in a very long time.
Hi Nic, You’re right. It hurts and it’s hard. There’s simply no way around it. As Christians we are promised many excellent things from God but part of being on God’s side in a fallen world means we’re going to have our heart’s broken. God’s heart gets broken over and over too. Clinging to Him during the hard times is the only way to not give up. It’s through many trials and tribulations that we enter into the kingdom of God. Jesus once told me to “embrace the pain” in my marriage. My husband was sexually abused at gunpoint when he was 13 and is now what they call sexually anorexic. We’ve been to counselors, pastors, recovery groups, deliverance programs, etc. and what I’ve had to face is that his healing is simply not going to happen on my time. God is working continually and I’m called to be patient. Embracing pain in a marriage is like carrying our cross. We’re all called to carry a cross as Christians. The devil tempts us to give up. We don’t have to choose to though. Christ gives us supernatural power to tap into so that we have the peace that surpasses all understanding and we have Christ’s comfort, encouragement and reassurance. Celebrate Recovery is a great place to go for support as we carry our crosses in this life. At the same time, God will help us to deal with our own sin struggles. It’s much easier to see what our spouse is doing wrong than to take a look at what we might be doing wrong. For me, CR has helped me to take a deeper look within at the rage I’ve been dealing with since childhood. God is our Healer. He wants to heal our broken hearts as well as our souls and He wants to fix our marriages. We just have to submit to the dying of self to make His plans come to fruition. Don’t give up. Keep getting the encouragement and support you need through Power to Change and whatever support group the Lord may lead you to. We all are broken people that need healing and support. Love to you in Christ.
What if that husband is only there because of the kids? Its hard to respect someone who doesnt really want you around. I do want to respect him but when all I get is hurt its hard. He told me today that he had wanted me gone, but he listened to a christian station on his way to work and they were talking about how much harder it is on kids to be without a father in the house. I dont know if I should be happy that he heard it and doesnt want me to go or upset…it hurt. I dont know what to do anymore, its so hard to not just “give up”.
Rick, I have been and sometimes still am a woman like your wife. God has been working on me and will never quit. If your wife is a believer then she will have to come face to face with the scripture which reads she is to respect her husband out of reverence for Christ. Same for husbands, they are to love their wives out of reverence to Christ (each submitting to the other out of reverence for Christ). Joyce Meyer spoke the other day and said if her husband, Dave, were to have confronted her early on in their marriage about her disrespectful behavior towards him that she would have left. But, after a while, the Lord was nudging Dave to confront Joyce. Joyce knew he was right in what he said to her and even though her feathers got ruffled, she was finally at a place where she wanted to obey God and learn to respect Dave. Rick, I think it’s time you confront her (if you haven’t already). Get a pastor involved if she doesn’t respond. If she still resists, believe me you, God can and will intervene. God has rebuked me and disciplined me sternly for the disrespect I’ve shown my husband. We all have a rebellious nature to overcome. For some of us, it’s gonna take longer than others and I think it’s because, like in Joyce’s case, she was sexually abused by her father for years and had cultivated a critical and resentful root in her spirit that spilled over into all of her relationships. Hopefully, your wife didn’t grow up in a terrible environment but nonetheless, it’s when we’re at our wits end that God shows up BIG TIME. I am a witness to it and so is my husband. Don’t give up. I will pray for you both. Also, consider tending a support group as you go through this difficult time. My husband and I both attended Celebrate Recovery (International Christ-centered 12 step support group) so we could consistently meet with others struggling in similar circumstances. We shared our sorrows and victories (no matter how small they seemed to be…they’re always worth celebrating). Without CR I would probably be divorced or worse by now. God is continually working behind the scenes. Don’t give up.
I do bvelieve women deserve the same respect of a man, but how can a man respect a woman when she overrides his decisions. Makes him feel stupid, and seems to not care about what he says unless it works to her benifit. I really do want to respect her, but she does not make me feel like a man. Yes, everything is brought to me, but if my answer is not liked, my answer is ignored. I’ve asked God for help with this matter, but I have had no responses.. We’re at the end of our rope, and it’s fraying above us. I love my wife, but I need the respect! Right wrong or indifferent. I feel as though it should be there almost unconditionally. Unless it’s just a god awfull type thing. I know I can’t always be right, regardless of right or wrong, i feel that a decision from man or woman shouldn’t be trampled over. We can’t learn from our mistakes, if we’re not alowed to make any I really can’t consider that respect at all. I am already handicapped and can’t do alot of things that I used to. letting me think I am the leader untill She dissagrees, that just takes the little man like feeling I have left. Now I’m left with almost nothing. God can’t help this one. Nobody here can, but it did feel kinda good to get it off my chest
Deb, as a wife I don’t see that showing respect to my husband makes me in any way weak and spoken down too. In reality we are partners who show respect to one another…it goes both ways. In my case my husband does help around the house because we both work full time so whichever of us has time cooks, does dishes and does the laundry. That in no way makes him less of a leader or less of a man. In fact it makes me want to respect him even more because he is willing to do whatever it takes to keep our household running. I also do all the finances because I am better at doing them than he is, but again that doesn’t impact my respect for him.
Persevering, I love what you said about it being God’s responsibility to make our husbands lead. Praying for our husbands is the most important thing we can do.
Hi Deb, I felt the same way BUT since all things are possible with God, I have seen many many positive changes in myself and my husband. It is not our responsibility to make our husband’s lead – it’s God’s. I learned to get out of the way and let God work with my husband as He began to give my husband the desire to lead and then taught him how. Our prayers for our husands is critical. Pray that God give your husband the desire and the wisdom to lead the family. You will begin to see miracles happen. Even if he’s doing things messy to begin with – so be it. We have to give God time to work and ourselves time to learn. Don’t give up! Through this trial He is making you holy. Happiness will follow as well.
I am going to struggle with this sooooo badly. I see some of these points as a way to make me, a woman, weak and spoken down to. I simply do not like that. I do not like that my husband is meant to lead me. I don’t want to be lead. I want to walk side-by-side helping each other on the same level. I cannot respond to my husband’s advances with enthusiasm because in 19 years, he has not really made advances – I end up making most of them. My husband does not make decisions about things other than avoiding what he is not into doing, leaving a lot of things hanging. I feel like I wear the pants in the family because he has never stepped up. I wish advice were here to use these tools as they apply to OUR life, not a cookie-cutter model of men and women. Not all men WANT to be leaders…we can’t MAKE them be leaders. It’s hard to appreciate him and his manly roles when he does dishes and laundry, not trash and car maintenance. He doesn’t handle finances well at all. Etc. It is hard to fill the role God has given me as a woman to love and nurture the family when I am filling both man and woman roles. It is very tiring!
I so agree, Jamie, that it is vital that we look at the log in our own eye and not at the splinter in our spouse’s eye. I also agree that respecting our husband is one of the most important factors in a positive and successful marriage. And, along with Shaun, I agree that this is a great article! It is wonderful to see so many people responding, as well!
The danger, Shaun, is when a man uses his wife’s lack of respect as reason for why he doesn’t love her and seek to serve her needs. Equally dangerous is a woman who sees her husband’s lack of love and service and uses that as an excuse not to respect him. Rather than looking at our spouse and pointing out their faults it is far better to look to ourselves and allow God to show us what He wants us to do better.
I’m not accusing you Shaun, just sayin’…:)
Great post here. Yeah I am a male. I can agree with this.One of the most important woman in my life, if she doesn’t respect me at a high enough level I won’t feel accepted as much and probably will not reach the level she wants me to be on in life because of the way she treats me. If I was respected and treated right I would push harder to achieve that level. Women should be treated as equal as a man as well. Great topic and post.
soethign definetly to think about, mariage is work and it can be hard sometimes but that it takes work to stay living together, it is fun having a partner to share thing together
I dont think god has anything to do with a man and womans relationship….you make your own bed
good article, thanks for sharing
Christine,
Just want to chime in Scripturally concerning your situation…
Matthew 19:9 “And I say to you, Whoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, commits adultery: and whoever marries her which is put away does commit adultery.” Jesus makes a clear distinction here concerning divorce when a spouse commits adultery and when a divorce happens for other reasons. Whether or not your husband is a believer, you are free to divorce. I would move into a friend or relatives’ home ASAP if he refuses to leave.
“there is not here Jew or Greek, there is not here servant nor freeman, there is not here male and female, for all ye are one in Christ Jesus” Galations 3;28
“Be you not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship has righteousness with unrighteousness? and what partnership has light with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14
It is crystal clear. Only the human ego sullies the meaning. Men who put themselves at the head should have put themselves last. Those who believe themselves superior should be on their knees washing the feet of those they consider weaker. Humility is an act of Grace, dominance and arrogance are not. Holding on to that which harms us shows a lack of faith.
Christine one of the suggestions that I have is to earnestly pray if Christ wants you to stay in this relationship. I understand the abuse you are going through as it occurred with me in my marriage and God decided that the marriage was not for me and freed me. If the sin continually happens and in the Bible it is very clear that if a man or woman cheats and their is no remorse that a person can leave to become free. No one should be a door mat however it is only after seeking Christ for this answer but I think you are fearful to leave however many times when we take the step of faith as to what God has called us to do then the Holy Spirit gives us strength.
Christine, have you sought the help of a Christian counselor for your own hurts? In a marriage situation such as yours, in which you are repeatedly being hurt, it is vital that you understand that your husband is behaving in a very inappropriate and sinful manner and that this does not reflect on you or your beauty as a woman. It is so important that you know how much God loves you for who you are, just as you are, and that He accepts you as you are RIGHT NOW! Christina, if you would like to talk confidentially to a mentor about your pain, please click on the following link and one will respond to you promptly and privately by email:
http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
I pray you are able to see that the way in which your husband is responding to you is abusive, and that you come to see the beautiful child of God that you truly are in Christ Jesus.
Hi, this article is useful but I am at a lost. I am married to a husband who does not appreciate me at all. He has been unfaithful to me many times and though I forgive him but he just take me for granted. I seem like a ‘door mat’ to him and he has no regards for me. I have tried to pray, encourage and support him when he face many challenges and struggles in his work but all the efforts I made do not touch his heart. I know he is involved with many women and I am kept in the dark. I find it hard to affirm somebody who hurts me so deeply, or to please him because he is never happy with me. For the simple reason – I am not the person he likes.
You are so right jaronix, that we always need to pray first before we speak to our hustands and for God’s wisdom for the right words.
Tiff, we would love to have you sign up for an online mentor so that someone can walk alongside of you on this journey. Just fill out the form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Pray before you talk to him. Ask God to deliver words in a nice way that could enlighten your husband. In that way you might know what’s bothering your him. If after that conversation he doesn’t change do not let yourself fall into depression you have a beautiful kids, pay attention to them and try to be healthy. Always seek for God’s guidance, He knows everything and eventually you will find miracle. Stay with positive attitude. Don’t get mad it will just make your situation worst.
Oh Tiff, that sounds like such a heartbreaking situation. There are so many different factors that are piling in and making the situation more of a challenge. I would really recommend that you talk about seeing a marriage and family counsellor. I think it would be helpful for your husband to have a place to talk about his struggles with knowing how to deal with a sick wife. It will also be really beneficial for you to have someone give an objective perspective on the things that are causing you to get angry. When you can’t trust your own emotions because of the chemical imbalance it is really helpful to have someone who can either affirm or challenge the way you are feeling and reacting.
I would also invite you to talk with one of the online mentors that we have. You can go to this link to find the form to fill out to request a mentor. Again, it is helpful to have people in your life that can help point you in the right direction.
I don’t know what to do. I’m an army wife & before our past deployment my marriage was wonderful… (better than I believed possible). Well during this past deployment we had our 3rd baby, I developed Grave’s disease (they had to radiate my thyroid) and My momnlaw moved in to help. She still lives with us because her lifestyle wasn’t healthy. My hubby didn’t know what to do with such a sick wife, so he avoided discussions about how I was doing, had a crisis of faith & began making female friends again. Since he’s returned we have yet to connect again & our marriage is falling apart. I am still chemically imbalanced & struggling with depression & am getting Angier & angier… I don’t know what to do. Things that were small before seem unforgivable now.