10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband
With downcast eyes, Kathryn confided, “I have a hard time respecting my husband. I want to be obedient to God’s command, but I don’t want to be dishonest to my feelings.”
God doesn’t command a wife to feel respectful toward her husband. She is to be respectful. Her responsibility is to obey God; not her feelings.
A wise woman once told me, “If you want a truly fine husband, respect him at the level at which you want him to reach. A man will usually not rise above the level at which his wife respects him.” This is a general principle, not a hard and fast rule because God does not put accountability or responsibility for a man’s character on his wife. Nevertheless, strong evidence indicates a woman holds great power to make or break a man. In his book His Needs, Her Needs,
Willard Harley amends the saying “Behind every great man is a great woman” to “Behind every great man is an admiring wife.”
Something in a man needs the respect of his wife. He thrives and grows toward godliness when his need is fulfilled. This explains why God emphatically says, “The wife must see to it that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33 NASB).
10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband
- Pray for him dailyand trust God to answer your requests.
- Pray for his well-being, wisdom, protection, blessings, guidance, knowledge, spiritual maturity, success, purity, strength in temptation, etc.
- Look for God’s answers to your prayers.
- Thank God for working in your family.
- Thank God for your husband.
- Pray for your attitude.
- Remember that God has put your husband in a position of leadership, and He will lead you through your husband.
- Make a list of your husband’s qualities that you appreciate. Review and add to your list regularly.
- Tell your husband what you appreciate about him. Tell others what you appreciate about him.
- Don’t criticize your husband to others – especially your children.
- Look for the positive side of things that you may find irritating. If you find it boring when he spends time telling you about his bad day, remember that at least he is talking to you, spending time with you, sharing his concerns with you, bringing you into his confidence, and giving you the chance to be an encourager and helper.
- Respond to his loving advances with enthusiasm.
- If you are concernedabout a decision your husband has made, ask him the following:
- “I’m confused about _________. Can you explain it to me?”
- “Can we talk about _____? I feel uncomfortable about ______.”
- Don’t ask: “WHY in the world would you do it that way?” or ask “Why?” in any way that implies you think he is foolish.
- Respect his likes and dislikes. If he likes a particular food, make a point of serving that regularly. If he hates the color purple, don’t wear purple in his presence. If he likes you to wear perfume, do it.
- If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about your husband, stop and choose to think of something else – especially things from your positive quality list.
Remember, God is working on you and your husband. You can both learn from your failures as well as your successes. Give God the freedom to teach your husband through failure. In the same way, give God the freedom to teach you to trust Him through your husband’s failure.
Rheanna,
I had to chuckle when I read your comment. Getting used to being married is a stretch for everyone, and even more for those of us that are more independent! :-)
So glad that you are finding articles like this one helpful. Do keep coming back!
Mola, I have to agree with Persevering.Your relationship with your boyfriend is obviously not based on mutual respect since he is blatantly not only not respecting you but flaunting that lack of commitment by his numerous outside relationships. Staying in a relationship like that is definitely not healthy. Think about what you want your son to remember. Is that his father wasn’t faithful? that other women were part of his life more than his mother? The decision is yours to make and not easy. Why don’t you watch this video about what another mother of a young son did? http://powertochange.com/itv/family/husband-stoppped-liking-me/
Is respect to a husband and obedience to a husband the same thing? if he is the leader of the home is that in ALL areas such as finances, schooling, work, dress, parenting, church…?
Is respect and honor the same? If you could draw a picture of honor what would it look like?
i am going on four years married with a wonderful man of God, and im am still learning how to trust his decisions and word. i know we are still a young marriage and are growing together…stuff like this helps me so much. i was single for 23 years, having never dated before my husband, and so its hard sometimes leaving the “single” mentality.
Hi Mola, You’re obviously in a very trying situation. I think you need to do what’s best for your child and yourself which is to leave the boyfriend. You can still pray for him and it’s good that you’ve forgiven him but forgiving him doesn’t mean you have to stay with him..it takes two (3 actually: God) to make it work. If he doesn’t want to change, you can’t help him. Also, (I base this on my own personal experience) consider what attracted you to him and work with God (and maybe a support group like Celebrate Recovery) on breaking free from the attraction to dysfunctional (yet familiar) people. God is your husband and He’ll provide for you. Love in Christ.
Hi – I have been in a relationship for 4 years still not married we have a 9months old boy but since i was pregnant my boyfriend does not treat me with respect and love he is committed to outside life and alcohol, i prayed for our relationship to get better i even feel i cant pray anymore as my situation is getting worse. I dont know what to do anymore he is forever complaining about me not respecting him he is even move out of our bedroom since i was pregnant he s cheated me morethan 10 and i have forgiven him i really dont know im trying to start a new life but as my parents were divorced its the last thing i want my son to go through to.
Bravo Jamie! You explained it perfectly. Hopefully, David will understand. The old temptations of the devil are still the same today…to get man to be lazy and not take the lead and to get women to control and want to take over. Only those of us with the Spirit of God living in us can overcome the temptations. I understand why David said what he said, he obviously doesn’t have the Spirit of God living in him. Nonetheless, I think you explained the truth in a way that anyone could understand.
Bravo Jamie! You explained it perfectly. Some people abuse their authority, THAT’S
Wow David! You seem pretty worked up about all this. I am sorry that you find it disgusting for a wife to respect her husband. That seems like a pretty positive aspect to any relationship. Which of the 10 items in the article did you think were particularly disgusting? Maybe it was the one that talked about making a list of the qualities that you appreciate in your husband. Or perhaps it was the suggestion not to criticize your husband in front of others.
I am guessing from you comment that it is probably item 2: Remember that God has put your husband in a position of leadership, and He will lead you through your husband. I still don’t understand why you find that disgusting. Leadership is a necessary component of any society right? So if God instituted a leadership structure for the family, doesn’t that make sense? It is not that the value of others outside of that leadership structure is of less significance. Instead, they have an important role to fulfill and it becomes counter-productive when they undermine the authority of the leader.
Now I admit that there are men who abuse the role of leadership and take advantage of those they are called to serve. But that doesn’t mean the structures are the problem; it is that individual who is the problem and needs to change.
Perhaps you would prefer that the wife should be the leader in the family? Is that somehow less disgusting than the husband being the leader? Maybe the children should be the leader in the family? Maybe we should not have any leadership and everybody does what they want? What structure would you suggest would be best suited for families?
I married the man of my dreams (literally) a month ago. This article was good for showing how to respect him. It’s easy to love him, but what he needs is respect. I pray for him daily and have been seeking ways to show him that I love and respect him (baking treats, cooking meals, running a bath for him, massages). Do you have any other tips, in regards to how a newly wed can show respect to her husband? I’ve been looking to the Bible, but it’s hard to see what a 20 something man today would perceive as respect.
Obviously those of us who comment that are not brainwashed will have their comments removed.
Barf. It disgusts me that women still believe this dribble. Man made the bible, not God; and for one purpose. Control. As a man I proudly acknowledge that women are by far superior to men in every way except biological traits such as muscle mass. If you believe in this BS you need a reality check. Respect is earned, not granted just because you have a dick!
Thank you for sharing….
Lord God I pray for this nurse and ask that You would empower her honoring of a dishonorable husband. Give her wisdom of know how to be authentic and honest. Help her to have eyes that see the situation as You see it. Give her creativity in ways that she can love her husband. And as You become more and more clearly reflected in her character as a wife, I pray that her husband would be drawn to allow You to change him as well. Heal the hurts in their marriage and unite their hearts in true love and commitment. Let them be an example to their children and a watching world who so desperately needs to see God-honouring marriages. I pray all this in the name of Jesus through whom we live and breathe and have our being, amen.
Thanks for sharing your commitment here nurse4life. Do you have people around you who can help point you to God as the source of your heart attitude? I know my life has been greatly helped by mentors who have pointed me time and again to Jesus. Know that you can always connect with one of our online mentors who can provide a safe place for sharing and they will be consistent in discovering with you how God’s instruction in the Bible can help you and your marriage. Just fill out the Mentor request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor and one of our mentors will get in touch with you by email.
May you experience the Holy Spirit transforming you and your marriage and learn to walk closer and closer to Jesus every day.
Thank you so much for posting these tips. I plan on implementing them asap. I have been married for 5 years and have 2 small children. My husband has been verbally/mentally abusive most of those 5 years. We have been through counselling, seperated, you name it, we’ve tried it. The instability, one minute he’s nice and loving and the next he is in a rage. It continues even with prayer and fasting. One thing I have felt convicted about is not honoring him. It’s so hard to honor someone who is dishonorable, but through reading the Word, God doesn’t put stipulations on honoring my husband, He just says to do it. With that being said, I had no clue where to even start, so hopefully this will help and hopefully it will change things in my home. Thanks again and God bless!
Dear Catherine,
What you are going through is difficult, and many men and women have walked that troubled road before you. My heart goes out to you. From my own experience, the question I have to ask is:
Where is the Lord Jesus in your relationship?
If the Lord is at the center of the relationship, then you can be sure, because then you are building upon a solid rock. If the Lord is at the center of the relationships, then He will uphold you, teach you, change you and send a spirit of unity between you, only give Him your trust, your faith and your will. He can do all things.
If the Lord is not at the center, however much you want to trust, to rebuild or make it work, you will keep falling short. God equips us to do what He has called us to do, and be who He has called us to be. On our own steam, by our own effort, we’ll never have the joy we crave.
So, above all, get yourself before Jesus. Confess all your heartache, your unforgiveness, your fears and your love, and then let Him show you how to untangle, how to forgive, how to heal and how to trust. He is faithful to us; though many others will promise and fail, He will never fail. Put your trust in HIM and He will show you moment by moment the way forward.
I just want to thank God for this site,
Iam in a relationship with a man and we are intending to get married a few years to come. How can I trust him continually even though I love him so much the fact that we had broken up after he had moved on with another woman but later realised what I meant to him and he returned. I accepted him back but everytime I think about what he treated me like, I feel he doesn’t love me that much though he has tried to clear all that pain away by showing me that Iam the only woman in his life, I want to trust him but I just don’t know why it doesn’t come easily. God Bless You!
I find in my life when I submit to Christ then it is easier to do his will. Husbands responsibilities is to love there wives as Christ loved the church.. If we have a close relationship with Christ then it is easier to respect the husbands authority. God Bless..
i have been married over8 year now and givn my wife the best of me the first 3 year of our life i thought her the bible and she hung on eveery word i said and cause i didnt know women tried to earn her respect by doing all the right things,even so much she told my mother she wants me to be they way i was when wefirst started,to me i feel like given up starting to think its not even possible for me to get respect,feels liek im looked into die disrespected and she compair me to other me cause other men she been with didnt say how they feel but i do,just so she can correct it and we can move on but she can careless i feel like she is the employee from you know where that cant be fired and gets away with ever thing,tell me is this what life supposed to be like
Christina,
The first step to changing is recognizing the need for change and that’s exactly what you have done by identifying that you are unintentionally being disrespectful to your husband and undermining his authority. Nagging our spouse is never a helpful thing. Let me pray for you right now -
Dear Heavenly Father I bring Christina to you right now and thank you for the work that You are doing in her life. Help her to apply the tips in this article and change how she relates to her husband. Lord, be the center of their marriage and their relationship and strengthen it. Amen.
Dear 2kids,
My heart goes out to you today as it sounds like you are living in a very difficult situation. May I suggest that you write in and ask for one of our online mentors? just fill in the form on this page and someone will email you back. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ There are several different issues in your relationship with your husband and a mentor will be able to pray for you and walk alongside of you as you try to determine what the next steps are for you.
I am struggling currently with being disrespectful unintentionally. When my husband and I have discussions, I undermine his authority. I don’t like him spending so much time on the computer so I constantly nag him about it. Thank you for these helpful tips. Please be with me and my husband ans our kids in prayers that I can straighten up before he leaves.
dear friends,
I am married since 9 years. from the first year my husband feels i am not the woman he wanted so cheated me twice and yet continuing with the other. He says I am done with u but yet I cannot leave you so we have to put up with each other. Intially I was very kiddish and might be I did not understand him but now eeryday I am learning. But he has no patience. sometimes it is very hard for me to keep him happy bcs he is perfectionist. I have two kids and no job. I donot want to mess the life of my kids but at the same time i do not want to bind my husband whenis not happy with me. what should I do
Betty, those are terrible circumstances for a marriage. God knows that life circumstances are never perfect and He gives a lot of great direction for respecting leaders who don’t deserve it. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) “If your enemies are hungry, give them food to eat. If they are thirsty, give them water to drink. You will heap burning coals on their heads, and the LORD will reward you.” (Proverbs 25:21-22) “I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. As you make your requests, plead for God’s mercy upon them, and give thanks. Pray this way for kings and all others who are in authority, so that we can live in peace and quietness, in godliness and dignity.” (1 Timothy 2:1)
No one could ever live those instructions out in their own strength but as Paul wrote (and he was a guy who had plenty of experiences of being abused by others) “For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.” (Philippians 4:13)
Lord God I pray for Betty as she faces the cruelty of her husband. I pray that You would give her strength and wisdom. I pray that she would be protected by You and find out how You want her to love him in spite of his cruelty. Father I pray for this man that he would realize the terrible way that he has been treating his wife and repent. Heal their marriage into the relationship that You intended for them. Amen.
Betty, let me invite you to talk with one of our online mentors who can help you think through the best way to respond to your husband and be a safe place to share your concerns and fears. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor and a mentor will contact you by email.
Satan’s strategy that he used on Eve is still working today because women’s natural desire is to lead a man. God’s calling His children to do the opposite of their natural desire and be led by the Spirit. This can be done only if we tap into the Holy Spirit’s power in our Christ nature. Scripture is clear when it says a woman should not have authority over a man and he gives the reason why…because Satan’s strategy is to deceive her (evidently, moreso than he would a Christian man) 1 Tim. 2:12. If Satan deceives a leader, then the whole flock is in danger. God made man first and women second. They are equals but each has a different role to play. You agree that a wife should submit to her husband. Why would it be any different when they gather at the Church? Is it right for a husband to submit to his wife’s authority in the Church but she submit to him at home? It’s backwards, see? The divine order has been compromised. Just because some women had authority over men in the OT doesn’t negate the fact that the NT says it is shameful for a woman to have authority over a man simply because man was made first and it is God’s will that he have that honor. We need to pray for wives to let their husbands lead and as God changes men into leaders, women need to step down and let them take their rightful place.
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But what if your husband hates you, calls you the worst possible names all the time even tells you how much he hates you and what you have done to his life. We have been married 30 years.
Dear Persevering, It is quite something that we are unable to change our spouses, yet a yielding to God will produce the desired results! First you and Brenda comfort Teri, and then you yourself receive comfort. Through it all God is to be praised.
My spouse could not change me, but her prayers brought me to a Spiritual revival! I actually wanted out (for many reasons), and now I’m so glad that she is my wife, also for many reasons. We have experienced healing, and continue to grow as we privately lift each other up in prayer.
Thanks Brenda. Perfectly stated and just what I needed to hear today as the boat was starting to rock in my world again. Thanks for the encouragement!
Persevering, I join you and Joel in offering my prayer support to Teri. One of the most difficult things I had to learn to do was to find my own peace and contentment in spending time with the Lord Jesus when I so desperately longed for time from my husband. However, it was my continual pursuit of him, and my attempts at trying to get him to do what I wanted him to do for me, that seemed more than anything else to result in his pulling further away from me. When I stopped trying so hard to daily get him to give me time and attention and, instead, started seeking my fulfillment in the Lord, my resulting peace and joy attracted my husband to me like never before. Now I do not have to ask for his attention. He is seeking mine! Once I pursued the Lord as my First Love, I developed what my husband most wanted: the love, peace, and joy of Christ, and now He pursues me, and we enjoy one another on a much deeper level. The time it took to get here was painful, but now that we have arrived, our relationship is so much better than I ever dreamt it could be. Teri, I encourage you to pursue the Lord in your quiet time away from your daughter, and to pray continually even while you are with her, surrounding yourself with worship and praise music when you are able and thinking on “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things [Philippians 4:8, NIV84].” It is my prayer that, if you do these things, that you will find joy, peace, and the love of the Lord overflowing your heart, and your husband will be drawn away from his interest in financial things and toward the contentment of the Lord that he sees radiating from you.
Hi Teri, I think Joel wrote some great advice. As a fellow sister in the Lord who has been married for almost 9 years all the while enduring a very difficult situation (no sexual intimacy), I just want to encourage you to not try to fix your husband. I’ve found that it’s like trying to get someone to quit smoking. So, you’ve told your husband your concerns and now, like Joel said, pray. God has answered many of my prayers but He hasn’t yet healed my husband from the effects of sexual abuse. I couldn’t understand b/c the bible says it’s God’s will for man and wife to come together a lot! So, I kept pressing into God and waiting. I couldn’t understand why it was taking so long. Then, just recently, I calmed down enough to hear the Holy Spirit say “I’m strong when you’re weak.” So, even though God is not the author of what happened to my husband, He is using it to make me weak so that He can be strong. You may be entering into a long trial concerning your husband’s choices but know that God is in control and He will form Himself more and more in you while you’re hurting. I heard God once say to me “Embrace the pain”. In other words, “carry your cross”. Yes, embrace the pain because God wants to get me to the point where I can rejoice in my trials because they are causing me to become mature and patient as I persevere through them in the strength that God provides, not my own strength. So, if this turns out to be a long trial, just know, you are in the Father’s will and He is bringing good out of it. He’s making us putty in His hands for His glory. Our life is Christ and He is our Provider, not our husbands. Try not to worry, I know it’s hard. You are not alone in your suffering. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I can’t wait to see what glory God brings out of your surrendered life to Him.
My prayers are with you Teri, I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you and your young family!
My heart goes out to you Teri, what a challenging situation. Obviously the first and most important thing you can do is continue to pray and ask God to orchestrate His will in the situation. Prayer is the catalyst that will change your circumstance and solve every problem in life. Ask God to have his will and his way in your life and the life of your family. We are unable to fully grasp the power of prayer but your prayers might someone orchestrate God to move on your behalf and cause your husband to leave the company for many “unforseen” reasons. It is complicated because you are dealing not only with your will but the freewill of another human being who makes their own choices. Though God is working through every circumstance to fulfill your prayers he will not override the freewill of your husband. Keep praying and know God is at work. I have witnessed countless times where spouses pray and God orchrates unexpected circumstances in the lives of their partner that bring the spouse to their knees and seek God. I want to encourage you to keep praying and know God is at work.
Practically, I would suggest seeking wise counsel. I feel like maybe your husband does not have wise people in his life to give him wise counsel on financial matters hence he is investing his time into this company. Is there wise mentors/old people in your life who your husband respects and may listen to? This is a very delicate situation and your husband would be upset if you told other people to try to convince your husband not to do this. If you intiate all of this your husband will be less likely than ever to listen to you.
Somehow you need to help him get wise counsel for his life and your family. It might be as simple as talking to his father or other wise godly men in his life who he respects and might listen to. Is there anyone like this in his life?
Finally, you need to help your husband to see he is missing out on precious moments with his young family that he will never get back again. If you just tell him that I doubt it will have any meaning but you need to find a way to help your husband see the reality of this. It seems like anything you “say” really does not have an effect somehow you need to help your husband to see the reality of the situation. I pray for God to speak directly to his heart, for other godly men to provide him with wise counsel and for you to be a light by your actions and lifestyel to reveal to your husband the reality of his situation.
So often as human beings we are unable to clearly see the reality that is before us. Because of this we are unable to make wise decisions. I pray God would use you and others to impart a clarity and understanding of the sitution.
I found this website as a last resort.
I have been Married for 3 years and have a beautiful 6 month old Daughter. Shortly after my Daughter was born My husband got involved with a Multi level marketing company. His time away from home has been increasing as the months have gone on. I was raised in a Multi Level Marketing Family and I guess you could say it left a ” Bad Taste” in my mouth so to speak. I know that I am supposed to honor my husband, and I am truly letting God lead me. But I have a very bad feeling about this company and My husband is missing out on so much of our daughter’s life because he is gone all the time. I know that he is the provider of the family and the spritual head of the house. But my husband thinks this company will be our finicial ” saving Grace” and I just dont see that happening please can you give me some advice as to what to do? I have tried talking to Him and I keep praying for Him but I dont know what else to do.
After printing out the article with its 11 most recent responses, I had to marvel about the way God is at work in all our lives, and how difficult experiences prepare us to help others in similar circumstances.
Thank you, Stephanie, for answering Misty in such a beautiful way! There is really not much I can add, except to encourage people to prayerfully re-read what’s been written.
Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for giving us exactly what we need to keep us on the growing edge. Thank You for mentors that are Spirit-led, who encourage and pray for those who are hurting. Thank You for helping Misty and her husband to find that they have more and more in common as they grow to love You more, and take time to listen to each other. In the precious name of Jesus, our intercessor, Amen.
Thank you so much. I’m looking for that book immediately :-)
Hi Misty,
I resonated with so much of what you just wrote – especially the part about feeling like “Hey – this is my home too!” It’s awful to feel like you don’t count in your own house, and that you’re powerless to change things. Sometimes I ask my husband to work on certain behaviors with his boys too, for my sake or theirs, and it just doesn’t happen. Either because he can’t change, or they can’t, or he doesn’t think it’s reasonable. Or whatever. It can be really difficult, I know! A few things you might want to consider:
Get a copy of John Gottman’s book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It’s been really helpful to us. There are some great chapters on learning to tell the difference between resolvable conflicts and perpetual conflicts. There are some things about our spouses (and kids, too, I suppose) that are never going to change. We can keep fighting about them, and letting them drive us apart, or learn how to get around them so you don’t end up feeling disappointed and disillusioned.
There’s a huge amount of wisdom in what you said about focusing on you. You’ve probably heard the Serenity prayer – “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Sometimes I feel like I have no control over anything in my home or family. What I’m trying to learn is that a lot of the time, the only thing I can control is me. Sometimes the only positive thing I can do is work on staying healthy myself – praying, exercising, spending time with supportive people, doing things that are life-giving. The more healthy I am, the better I can cope with all the things I can’t change. Also – do you remember the chapter in the Smart Stepmom about the stepmom who goes on strike? :) You may want to pray about whether that might be a healthy approach for you and your family.
Finally – seeing a professional counselor is probably not a bad idea. I’ve found counseling to be a really good outlet. It’s so easy to dump all my bad emotions on my husband, and that just puts more of a strain on our relationship. A good counselor will listen and often have really helpful perspective and actions steps for you to try. BUT I suggest you make sure your counselor shares your Christian values, and your commitment to staying in your marriage.
Hang in there, Misty!
Stephanie
Thank you Stephanie. It’s so refreshing to hear from a fellow stepmom who understands the struggle. I often feel I don’t have anyone to talk to because I don’t know any other stepmoms who can understand what its like to be in these shoes. I actually read the Smart Stepmom and some of your words are a refresher and I know I need to work harder on my patience and understanding. I think my frustration, and therefore difficulty with respect, at this point are way more due to my husband than the kids. The kids are only doing what they’re allowed to get away with. And I feel kinds deceived. We talked before marriage and after about our priorities: God first, marriage second and then kids and everything else. We agreed to be united and allies, but it seems as though all of that has been thrown out the window. Even when its not me asking him to change something its the same thing. He can be the one to mention a behavior that needs to change and we can agree on a plan of action (the house rules we decided on together for example), but there is never any follow through. I feel like agreements he comes to with me or decisions we make together are meaningless because he doesn’t follow through on 95% of it. I know some of that may be unintentional and he may be fearful and hesitant to create change due to guilt, but what about guilt for not preparing your kids properly for the real world? It seems kinda selfish to not wanna rock the boat to make things easier on yourself when you know the kids are gonna be in for a rude awakening. On top of that I’ve been miserable in the home that is supposed to be just as much mine as it is his. He has 50/50 custody so the kids are with us half the week and I don’t want to have to be this uncomfortable in my own home. I know he feels in the middle, but I don’t look at it as a choosing between me and them situation. I look at it as a right and wrong situation. It’s not okay for the kids to be rude and disrespectful or disobedient. I don’t see how any parent would let that slide on a continuous basis. I know everyone has bad days and I’m not expecting everything to be fixed overnight or perfection from him or the kids, but come on…you should have some form of control over the house as the adult/dad. I feel powerless. I can’t be the enforcer because I know it will just come off as me being the mean stepmom, but he doesn’t seem to be serious about enforcing any change despite all the agreements that have been made. I don’t wanna be harsh. If they just behaved this way towards me then I think I could be more accepting that it was just part of their adjustment to our new family, but they are disrespectful to their dad, their grandparents, other family members, teachers, etc. and there’s NO consequences for anything. They have some very bad behavior/attitudes and a) I don’t want to have to keep dealing with the environment of our home changing every time they’re there with my husband doing nothing about it and b) they can’t think this is okay if they’re going to grown into successful, responsible, respectful adults. Despite my frustration and irritation I really do care about the girls and I don’t want them going down the path they seem to be headed. People in the real world are not gonna put up with their crap and baby them the way their dad does and he’s setting them up for failure and creating tension in our home in the process. That really frustrates me. And m (and my inner control freak :-)) are having a hard time letting go and letting God without developing resentment for my husband. I’m trying to just focus on me, i.e. develop more patience, show more love, etc, but I still wonder how he can be so blind and/or so unresponsive.
Dear Misty,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through such a difficult time as a new wife and stepmom. I’m a stepmom too. My husband has two sons who live with us on the weekends, and we just celebrated our 3rd anniversary, so I can appreciate how absolutely impossible it feels sometimes to live in a stepfamily. Sharing your newlywed years, your husband, your money, your time, your energy with kids who seem ungrateful (at best) is NOT easy. Don’t forget to extend yourself extra grace and patience. You’re in a tough situation! Your husband’s in a tough situation too – he’s feeling guilty, and he’s feeling torn between you and his kids. There’s a huge amount of pressure on him. Maybe you could relieve some of that pressure by letting him know that you’re on his side and you want to be his teammate. Misty, I know that when you look at your husband and stepkids you see SO many things that need to be fixed, and so many things that frustrate you. (Been there!) What’s most important though, is your unity with your husband. Is there a way you could drop the issues for a while, and focus on your husband and you becoming allies? The more time the two of you spend together that’s positive, the more inclined you’ll both be to hear each other out, and to respect each other. When he feels like you’re in his corner, and supporting how important his kids are to him, he may start to surprise you with his willingness to accept your input. He’s most likely well aware that he’s doing his kids a disservice – but a) there’s a lot of pain and fear there, and b) criticism gets a guy’s back up and usually makes him stop listening. I wonder how he would respond if you apologized for how you’ve been coming across, and asked him how you could support him? This is never an easy thing to do – so it’s wonderful that you’ve been praying. Keep asking God for His grace!
Misty, two amazing books that may help you and your husband are The Smart Stepmom by Laura Petheridge, and The Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal. They both have a ton of wisdom and practical advice for how couples can work together to make the very best of a challenging situation. There are also great article available on Ron Deal’s website: http://www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/learn
Thank you, Kate, for the wonderful prayer and encouraging words. Yes, I’m so glad that God never gave in to my whims when I wasn’t walking in the Spirit. I am His vessel and I need Him to break me, form me and fill me. It’s so worth the pain! I finally understand how I can rejoice in trials and tribulations…it’s for the benefit of others, namely my child to come. Now, when we do have a baby, he (God revealed to me I’m going to have a baby boy someday) I can be the kind of mom He wants to be. I’m excited b/c my child will see Christ in his dad and I. I would hate to repeat the generational curses in my family so it’s a welcome sacrifice to let Him do what He needs to do in me to put a stop to these curses (rage, impatience, etc.). We’re rebuilding the ancient ruins and it’s totally worth it!
Im having a really hard time in the respect category. I know it’s my command to honor, respect and submit but I’ve become increasingly disgusted and resentful with my husband’s actions. I know I am flawed too and I ask God everyday to help me improve and not just focus on what I feel my husband is/isn’t doing, but I’m struggling and failing in this area. I’m a newlywed and a step mom to his 2 children. My decreasing respect comes from 2 primary areas: how he treats me and his parenting (or lack thereof). We’ve had many problems in our short marriage. Personal relationship problems as well as those that stem from becoming a step family. Our problems have resulted in ugly arguments. He is very harsh with his words and quick to distance himself, making me feel even more isolated than I already do being that I’m new to his ore-existing family. I feel he’s been very disrespectful I’m how he has treated me. I know I am to respect whether I want to or no and whether I feel he deserves it or not, but where is his accountability to honor me as the weaker sex and not be harsh? And aren’t I only to submit if he is doing things that honor God? My second area of concern is the way he allows his kids to behave. He feels guilty about his divorce and is so determined to mend his relationship with his kids and be liked that he’s not parenting. Even the kids have said they see him as more of a friend than a dad. There is no discipline and no consequences for bad behavior. I have a hard time respecting this man who is supposed to be my leader and head of our family when he can’t even stand up to 2 children. The bible says parent’s who do not discipline their children do not love them and he is absolutely not training them the way they should go because in the real world they will not be able to get away with all of their crap. He’s doing them and our family/marriage a huge disservice bit most attempts to discuss this lead to defensiveness, arguments or agreements that are not kept. I’m really looking for answers. I don’t want to feel this way towards my husband. I don’t want to sin against God. I feel desperate for things to change. Suggestions welcomed.
Dear Persevering,
Thank you! It is a great encouragement to me and I’m sure many others to read your testimony. I found it so beautiful to hear you recount how Christ is formed in us… not through the easy, comfortable, painfree times, but through the fires and floods. I also found it so wonderful how you shared the way the Lord spoke to you:
When I cried out to God in my pain I heard Him say things like “Embrace the pain”, “Be patient”, “I’m working”, “Respect him”, “Submit”, and, of course, “I love you.”
This is the defining characteristic of our God… all the idols are silent, but God hears and speaks. Learning to hear His voice, to discern His voice amongst the many competing spirits, is the hallmark of walking with Him in faith!
I want to pray for you now:
Dear Heavenly Father, thank You so much for the awesome work you are doing for this beautiful woman of God and her husband. Thank You for caring for them and for refining them. Thank You that Your love is unrelenting and passionate! Thank You that even when we protest about how tough things are, You do not just give us over to the wide and easy, but urge us on and lead us along the narrow road! We commit this beautiful woman and her husband to You, looking forward to hearing what You will do next, and about the promised land to which You are now leading them! May the name of the Lord Jesus be praised! Amen
Hi T.Wolf, what did you find that was wrong with this article? Was it just that respect for women was not mentioned?
Just want to send out a praise! My husband and I are celebrating 8-1/2 years of marriage. Throughout this time I’ve been tempted to leave several times due to not wanting to deal with the circumstances anymore b/c it was so painful. The circumstances have to do with the baggage we brought into the marriage. My husband and I were both raised is severly dysfunctional households but on top of that my husband was sexually abused at gunpoint when he was 14 years old. I was the first person he’d ever told. He kept it a secret for almost 30 years. I knew the marriage would be a difficult one but I knew I loved him so it didn’t matter. We had sex prior to marrying and prior to becoming Christians. Then, after becoming Christians, we married. On our wedding night he rejected me sexually. On the honeymoon, he never pursued me (I didn’t pursue him either b/c at the time that reminded me too much of my “old” self). So, finally I asked “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you pursing me?” and he was like a doe in the headlights and said nothing back to me. We went on like this for years and I, of course, was losing my mind and Satan got a foothold due to me sinning in my anger and then he got a stronghold. Obviously, my husband had a part to play but my old behaviors got the best of me and I became a rageaholic. I heard the still small voice of the Holy Spirit tell me to start attending Celebrate Recovery (Christ centered 12 step support group). I was there for five years and my husband eventually started attending (he’s now in leadership there:)) When I cried out to God in my pain I heard Him say things like “Embrace the pain”, “Be patient”, “I’m working”, “Respect him”, “Submit”, and, of course, “I love you.” I didn’t understand “Embrace the pain” until now. It’s when we carry our cross in life’s circumstances (i.e. stay in the difficult marriage b/c it’s the right thing to do vs. give in to the temptation to leave) that Christ is formed in us. It’s only in our weakness that His power is able to manifest in us. I’ve shared my story w/ people and they ask “How can you seem so peaceful and joyful considering what you’re going through?” and I say “It’s Jesus Christ (the source of LIFE).” When I commit to doing the right thing even when it hurts is when I start to experience the abundant life that Jesus taught about. He is the abundant life. It’s His life in me that nourishes my soul. For years before knowing Christ, I would seek “life” in food, alcohol, relationships, etc. Now, thankfully, I know where true LIFE is…in Christ. My husband and are are still not sexual but I have an amazing peace in me that keeps me from letting anger have it’s way with me anymore. This work of sanctification is amazing and He’s making my obedience complete so that my suffering (discipline) can come to an end. This is a process and we should not judge other people’s recovery. I’m just glad to see the Lord’s mighty hand at work in my life. Thankfully, my husband is now ready to start confronting his past and I know he will overcome the fear and the pain because He who lives in him is greater than he who lives in the world. Hallelujah! As Joseph said “As far as I’m concerned, God meant it all for good.”
To anyone tempted to cheat…we must remember what Joseph did…run!
What an utter complete load of crap. What about respect for the woman?
Awuraadwoa,
So glad you found this article and that it was helpful for you. May God bless you as you get married and enter the wonderful adventure of marriage!
wow this is a gud one thanks, i will be marrying this year God willing and this is the best counselling ive gotten.God bless you.
Hi Java,
I read your response and you may honestly believe that writing the letter was justifiable and look at it as a joke however any married woman that would read a love letter to his co-worker would think otherwise. You seem to be justifying your actions and are not remorseful at all and saying “oh it is not such a big deal I told her my feelings towards her knowing that she knows I am married and that I would not have a chance”. What would you have done if she told you she wanted to have a relationship with you and wanted to have sex with you? Would you say no? Highly doubtful you would refuse her as you would have your fun feel bad and confess and move on. Any woman reading that letter would think the same thing so it is wrong to blame your wife.
Your making a huge mistake in dismissing it as nothing and blaming your wife for reading your love letter because it was private is a bit much. When I worked in the public with media my thought always was “What I write and say will be on the front page of a newspaper” it prevented me from writing and doing things that would otherwise get me into trouble. If your not in the least bit sorry which you don’t appear to be and only sorry that you got caught then your problems with your wife will only get worse as I am sure she has her issues and problems but when we aggravate it by stupidity then blame the action on her is not right.
When a person becomes mistrustful often it is as a result of a combination of events and the little dot that you describe is more of mountain and is the only thing that they look at. Like I suggested earlier you will not solve your problems by having a discussion with her as to heal whatever is broken will require a Christian counselor to guide you as to why you are at the point where you are now. The most important aspect is to seek Christ’s guidance as he will give you the wisdom you need because the problem you are facing is as a result of ten years of issues. God Bless,
Andrew