Comments on: 10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband

By: Persevering

Persevering — Wed, 30 May 2012 13:51:10 +0000

Thanks Brenda. Perfectly stated and just what I needed to hear today as the boat was starting to rock in my world again. Thanks for the encouragement!

By: Brenda Miller

Tue, 29 May 2012 22:15:22 +0000

Persevering, I join you and Joel in offering my prayer support to Teri. One of the most difficult things I had to learn to do was to find my own peace and contentment in spending time with the Lord Jesus when I so desperately longed for time from my husband. However, it was my continual pursuit of him, and my attempts at trying to get him to do what I wanted him to do for me, that seemed more than anything else to result in his pulling further away from me. When I stopped trying so hard to daily get him to give me time and attention and, instead, started seeking my fulfillment in the Lord, my resulting peace and joy attracted my husband to me like never before. Now I do not have to ask for his attention. He is seeking mine! Once I pursued the Lord as my First Love, I developed what my husband most wanted: the love, peace, and joy of Christ, and now He pursues me, and we enjoy one another on a much deeper level. The time it took to get here was painful, but now that we have arrived, our relationship is so much better than I ever dreamt it could be. Teri, I encourage you to pursue the Lord in your quiet time away from your daughter, and to pray continually even while you are with her, surrounding yourself with worship and praise music when you are able and thinking on “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things [Philippians 4:8, NIV84].” It is my prayer that, if you do these things, that you will find joy, peace, and the love of the Lord overflowing your heart, and your husband will be drawn away from his interest in financial things and toward the contentment of the Lord that he sees radiating from you.

By: Persevering

Persevering — Thu, 24 May 2012 17:26:15 +0000

Hi Teri, I think Joel wrote some great advice. As a fellow sister in the Lord who has been married for almost 9 years all the while enduring a very difficult situation (no sexual intimacy), I just want to encourage you to not try to fix your husband. I’ve found that it’s like trying to get someone to quit smoking. So, you’ve told your husband your concerns and now, like Joel said, pray. God has answered many of my prayers but He hasn’t yet healed my husband from the effects of sexual abuse. I couldn’t understand b/c the bible says it’s God’s will for man and wife to come together a lot! So, I kept pressing into God and waiting. I couldn’t understand why it was taking so long. Then, just recently, I calmed down enough to hear the Holy Spirit say “I’m strong when you’re weak.” So, even though God is not the author of what happened to my husband, He is using it to make me weak so that He can be strong. You may be entering into a long trial concerning your husband’s choices but know that God is in control and He will form Himself more and more in you while you’re hurting. I heard God once say to me “Embrace the pain”. In other words, “carry your cross”. Yes, embrace the pain because God wants to get me to the point where I can rejoice in my trials because they are causing me to become mature and patient as I persevere through them in the strength that God provides, not my own strength. So, if this turns out to be a long trial, just know, you are in the Father’s will and He is bringing good out of it. He’s making us putty in His hands for His glory. Our life is Christ and He is our Provider, not our husbands. Try not to worry, I know it’s hard. You are not alone in your suffering. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I can’t wait to see what glory God brings out of your surrendered life to Him.

By: Joel Pukalo

Wed, 23 May 2012 04:23:30 +0000

My prayers are with you Teri, I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you and your young family!

By: Joel Pukalo

Wed, 23 May 2012 04:22:37 +0000

My heart goes out to you Teri, what a challenging situation. Obviously the first and most important thing you can do is continue to pray and ask God to orchestrate His will in the situation. Prayer is the catalyst that will change your circumstance and solve every problem in life. Ask God to have his will and his way in your life and the life of your family. We are unable to fully grasp the power of prayer but your prayers might someone orchestrate God to move on your behalf and cause your husband to leave the company for many “unforseen” reasons. It is complicated because you are dealing not only with your will but the freewill of another human being who makes their own choices. Though God is working through every circumstance to fulfill your prayers he will not override the freewill of your husband. Keep praying and know God is at work. I have witnessed countless times where spouses pray and God orchrates unexpected circumstances in the lives of their partner that bring the spouse to their knees and seek God. I want to encourage you to keep praying and know God is at work.

Practically, I would suggest seeking wise counsel. I feel like maybe your husband does not have wise people in his life to give him wise counsel on financial matters hence he is investing his time into this company. Is there wise mentors/old people in your life who your husband respects and may listen to? This is a very delicate situation and your husband would be upset if you told other people to try to convince your husband not to do this. If you intiate all of this your husband will be less likely than ever to listen to you.

Somehow you need to help him get wise counsel for his life and your family. It might be as simple as talking to his father or other wise godly men in his life who he respects and might listen to. Is there anyone like this in his life?

Finally, you need to help your husband to see he is missing out on precious moments with his young family that he will never get back again. If you just tell him that I doubt it will have any meaning but you need to find a way to help your husband see the reality of this. It seems like anything you “say” really does not have an effect somehow you need to help your husband to see the reality of the situation. I pray for God to speak directly to his heart, for other godly men to provide him with wise counsel and for you to be a light by your actions and lifestyel to reveal to your husband the reality of his situation.

So often as human beings we are unable to clearly see the reality that is before us. Because of this we are unable to make wise decisions. I pray God would use you and others to impart a clarity and understanding of the sitution.

By: Teri

Teri — Wed, 23 May 2012 02:05:57 +0000

I found this website as a last resort.
I have been Married for 3 years and have a beautiful 6 month old Daughter. Shortly after my Daughter was born My husband got involved with a Multi level marketing company. His time away from home has been increasing as the months have gone on. I was raised in a Multi Level Marketing Family and I guess you could say it left a ” Bad Taste” in my mouth so to speak. I know that I am supposed to honor my husband, and I am truly letting God lead me. But I have a very bad feeling about this company and My husband is missing out on so much of our daughter’s life because he is gone all the time. I know that he is the provider of the family and the spritual head of the house. But my husband thinks this company will be our finicial ” saving Grace” and I just dont see that happening please can you give me some advice as to what to do? I have tried talking to Him and I keep praying for Him but I dont know what else to do.

By: Alfred

Sat, 12 May 2012 05:00:18 +0000

After printing out the article with its 11 most recent responses, I had to marvel about the way God is at work in all our lives, and how difficult experiences prepare us to help others in similar circumstances.
Thank you, Stephanie, for answering Misty in such a beautiful way! There is really not much I can add, except to encourage people to prayerfully re-read what’s been written.
Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for giving us exactly what we need to keep us on the growing edge. Thank You for mentors that are Spirit-led, who encourage and pray for those who are hurting. Thank You for helping Misty and her husband to find that they have more and more in common as they grow to love You more, and take time to listen to each other. In the precious name of Jesus, our intercessor, Amen.

By: Misty

Misty — Fri, 11 May 2012 21:43:55 +0000

Thank you so much. I’m looking for that book immediately :-)

By: Stephanie Jantzen

Fri, 11 May 2012 20:37:34 +0000

Hi Misty,

I resonated with so much of what you just wrote – especially the part about feeling like “Hey – this is my home too!” It’s awful to feel like you don’t count in your own house, and that you’re powerless to change things. Sometimes I ask my husband to work on certain behaviors with his boys too, for my sake or theirs, and it just doesn’t happen. Either because he can’t change, or they can’t, or he doesn’t think it’s reasonable. Or whatever. It can be really difficult, I know! A few things you might want to consider:

Get a copy of John Gottman’s book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It’s been really helpful to us. There are some great chapters on learning to tell the difference between resolvable conflicts and perpetual conflicts. There are some things about our spouses (and kids, too, I suppose) that are never going to change. We can keep fighting about them, and letting them drive us apart, or learn how to get around them so you don’t end up feeling disappointed and disillusioned.

There’s a huge amount of wisdom in what you said about focusing on you. You’ve probably heard the Serenity prayer – “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Sometimes I feel like I have no control over anything in my home or family. What I’m trying to learn is that a lot of the time, the only thing I can control is me. Sometimes the only positive thing I can do is work on staying healthy myself – praying, exercising, spending time with supportive people, doing things that are life-giving. The more healthy I am, the better I can cope with all the things I can’t change. Also – do you remember the chapter in the Smart Stepmom about the stepmom who goes on strike? :) You may want to pray about whether that might be a healthy approach for you and your family.

Finally – seeing a professional counselor is probably not a bad idea. I’ve found counseling to be a really good outlet. It’s so easy to dump all my bad emotions on my husband, and that just puts more of a strain on our relationship. A good counselor will listen and often have really helpful perspective and actions steps for you to try. BUT I suggest you make sure your counselor shares your Christian values, and your commitment to staying in your marriage.

Hang in there, Misty!
Stephanie

By: Misty

Misty — Thu, 10 May 2012 16:45:47 +0000

Thank you Stephanie. It’s so refreshing to hear from a fellow stepmom who understands the struggle. I often feel I don’t have anyone to talk to because I don’t know any other stepmoms who can understand what its like to be in these shoes. I actually read the Smart Stepmom and some of your words are a refresher and I know I need to work harder on my patience and understanding. I think my frustration, and therefore difficulty with respect, at this point are way more due to my husband than the kids. The kids are only doing what they’re allowed to get away with. And I feel kinds deceived. We talked before marriage and after about our priorities: God first, marriage second and then kids and everything else. We agreed to be united and allies, but it seems as though all of that has been thrown out the window. Even when its not me asking him to change something its the same thing. He can be the one to mention a behavior that needs to change and we can agree on a plan of action (the house rules we decided on together for example), but there is never any follow through. I feel like agreements he comes to with me or decisions we make together are meaningless because he doesn’t follow through on 95% of it. I know some of that may be unintentional and he may be fearful and hesitant to create change due to guilt, but what about guilt for not preparing your kids properly for the real world? It seems kinda selfish to not wanna rock the boat to make things easier on yourself when you know the kids are gonna be in for a rude awakening. On top of that I’ve been miserable in the home that is supposed to be just as much mine as it is his. He has 50/50 custody so the kids are with us half the week and I don’t want to have to be this uncomfortable in my own home. I know he feels in the middle, but I don’t look at it as a choosing between me and them situation. I look at it as a right and wrong situation. It’s not okay for the kids to be rude and disrespectful or disobedient. I don’t see how any parent would let that slide on a continuous basis. I know everyone has bad days and I’m not expecting everything to be fixed overnight or perfection from him or the kids, but come on…you should have some form of control over the house as the adult/dad. I feel powerless. I can’t be the enforcer because I know it will just come off as me being the mean stepmom, but he doesn’t seem to be serious about enforcing any change despite all the agreements that have been made. I don’t wanna be harsh. If they just behaved this way towards me then I think I could be more accepting that it was just part of their adjustment to our new family, but they are disrespectful to their dad, their grandparents, other family members, teachers, etc. and there’s NO consequences for anything. They have some very bad behavior/attitudes and a) I don’t want to have to keep dealing with the environment of our home changing every time they’re there with my husband doing nothing about it and b) they can’t think this is okay if they’re going to grown into successful, responsible, respectful adults. Despite my frustration and irritation I really do care about the girls and I don’t want them going down the path they seem to be headed. People in the real world are not gonna put up with their crap and baby them the way their dad does and he’s setting them up for failure and creating tension in our home in the process. That really frustrates me. And m (and my inner control freak :-)) are having a hard time letting go and letting God without developing resentment for my husband. I’m trying to just focus on me, i.e. develop more patience, show more love, etc, but I still wonder how he can be so blind and/or so unresponsive.