Single, But Not Alone
A recent Religion News Service headline reports, “Single Adults Want Ministry, Not Sympathy”.
According to RNS, singles are “part of a demographic — men and women of childbearing age without children — that nearly doubled in 24 years, from 10 percent of the population in 1976 to 19 percent in 2000.”*
How can marrieds interact with this vital and growing group in a way that they will appreciate?
Lose the lonely label
The term “single” is a lonely label. By definition, single means consisting of only one part. To be single invokes images of a solitary soul distant from the whole. But, does being unmarried really mean the faith-filled believer is separate, unattached, or alone? If so, this might imply that a single is not joined to anything at all.
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In Christ, this is not the case. Nothing is farther from the truth! Once a person gives their life to the Lord Jesus, he or she is united with the Lord, never to be alone again. The book of Psalms explains, “God sets the solitary in families” (Ps. 68:6, NKJV).
Respect single strength
Think it is easy living as a successful Christian single in 2010? Not so! At a time when there are more singles than ever, being single has never been harder. It takes strength of purpose to drown out distractions and live a godly life.
The Apostle Paul, a profound contributor to the New Testament, is an excellent example of this. This disciple, who remained single, is responsible for sharing truth that has affected the justification, redemption, and reconciliation of millions. His influence on Christian thinking has impacted the body of Christ throughout generations.
Few would dispute the impact this unmarried follower of Jesus made upon the world. In his own words, here’s what Paul says about the subject of singleness and marriage:
“If you do not marry, it is good. I wish everyone could get along without marrying, just as I do. But we are not all the same. God gives some the gift of a husband or wife, and others he gives the gift of being able to stay happily unmarried” (1 Cor. 7:1-8, TLB).
Connect single links
As the single population of the United States rises, the notion that Christian singles aren’t really single at all is significant. Single Christians are joined in life purpose with the Lord. Christian single, Tina Barta, reflects this truth. RNS quotes Tina as saying, “I am in a relationship with Christ. Yes, I’m single, but I’m pursuing Christ, and he’s pursuing me.”*
The pursuit of God is a foundational key in the life of every believer, regardless of his or her marital status. As we lay aside our differences and realize that we are all joined with the Lord, we’re better able to love one another as Christ has loved us.
The old saying, “a chain is only as strong as its weakest link,” is noteworthy here. A chain, in this instance, can be described as a series of Christians linked together for the common purpose of building up the whole body of Christ.
A unified chain is a strong chain. In the book of Romans, Paul says, “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Rom. 15:5-6, NIV).
Ministry Ideas:
1) Surround your single friends with a comfortable social environment. Allow them to laugh out loud and really be themselves. In this relaxed setting, they might express their concerns to you.
2) According to Paul, happy singleness is a gift. Respect the unique gifts and talents that God has given to your single friends by taking genuine interest in their walk with God. You’ll be surprised, and greatly blessed, by the wealth of wisdom they have to offer you.
3) Link together to share God’s love. The church is known for dividing into small groups such as couples, parents, youth, seniors, and singles. That’s all good, as long as we remember the unity that the Lord Jesus came to bring to all—including sensational singles and marvelous marrieds.
Dear Gen
Yes, Ihink that in order to be ‘safe’ and ‘healthy’ in a ‘healthy, loving and intimate’ relationship we have to cultivate boundaries and standards for ourselves in other relationships. I.e. I think if we are allowing friends and family to make comments and ask questions which are totally out of order and hurt us(and I have been there believe me) then it is likely that we will allow ourselves to be hurt (and abused isn’t too strong a word) in a marriage (I say marriage because if we are Christians, this is what we would be looking towards in an ongoing relationship). I would say, don’t give up on your desires but do follow God and his ways and enjoy your life now. Above all, know exactly who your are in Christ and be confident. Do not let others put you down. If you gain some genuine confident in yourself you won’t have to confront others or say much to them because your wholeness will be evident.
Years ago I pleaded with God for a couple of certian men who were kind of around at the time and there was some interest there. It is a bit of a saga but let me tell you that I thank God now that he did not answer my prayers, looking at these men now, their lives and what they have been up to – boy did I have a lucky escape!
Christians or should I say Church people are very difficult to talk to – I must agree with you there, we need to be wise in who we talk to and what we say but at the same time I sense that like me you want to be honest, direct and straightforward, it is not easy!
I still need to point you to the part in the OT where is talks of how the wicked seem to proper – will do that but need to go now.
Love Sue x
Hi Sue,
Yes this is an interesting conversation – to be honest it is so nice to be able to discuss this with another christian who doesn’t dismiss my comments -so I thank you. I can no longer discuss my feelings with family and friends because I have had enough of being hurt by them. I will respond to them how you have suggested and will have more confidence. I am just so worn down by them.
I was happy single but I think it is my family and friends negative comments which have made me this way – and I think thats why I am so upset about everything. I am a confident person and like you, I do love my freedom and I like to sleep in, do what I like at the weekend etc.
I have had self-esteem issues in the past but I have worked through them but still have a sadness inside me. I am the marrying kind and although I do love my freedom – I really do want to share my life with someone. Although to be honest if I had a good support network in a church and was valued as a single christian I don’t think that longing to find a partner would be as strong – I know that contradicts about what I said about me being the marrying kind – but I honestly think thats the problem – if that makes sense?
Love Gen x
Dear Gen
Thank you for your reply. One thing I would say, and I have said it to other singletons is to recognise that family and friends should NOT be making such personal comments or asking such personal questions about your single status. Get enough confidence to respond to a question by saying something like “oh, that’s a rather interesting question, why do you want to know?”. That should shut them up. Remember there is NOTHING negative about being single. Do have a think about ways in which you are comfortable in confidently responding to such questions and comments. Remember NEVER explain yourself and NEVER justify yourself. You are complete and you are OK as you are. I hope that helps a bit.
In my own life, through my twenties and into my thirties I did think having someone to share my life with would be the be all and end all but now I am generally happier and see clearly that I am so lucky. I don’t have to be pestered for sex, I don’t have to compromise my weekends, when I go to bed I can sleep/pray/read – do whatever I want to do. I can cook, shop and do my chores exactly when and how I want to. I am completely FREE!!
I’m not saying it is the same for you, but on reflection for me when I was desperate for a partner I can see there were a lot of self-esteem issues for me. My self-esteem has now grown a lot and as for considering a man in my life – I would never say never, but boy, he would have to be some man!!
I acknowledge that if you are the marrying sort, and you are single, then life can be painful but I hope this helps a bit. This is a interesting conversation, so I hope you reply again. Love Sue x
Hi Sue,
Thank you for your reply. Your words are very encouraging. I will keep praying and hope the Lord answers my prayers in a way that he knows is right for me.I know I need to trust in him more – its just so difficult.
The ungodly do seem to prosper in life.
I have been to a lot of churches and have spent weeks to months at them – (I am not a serial church hopper) Its just I always hope I will find like minded people who I can share fellowship with. But its always the same, I get ignored because I am single, or there is no one in my position. I have met another single lady through one church I attended and we are both still friends – but I am no longer living in the same city as her.
I have made the Lord my focus for many years but theres just a deep sadness in me that I have never been fortunate to meet someone to share my life with. I feel like I am missing out on so much. I can’t even attend my upcoming younger cousins wedding because I get so hurt by the comments from my relatives at family occasions asking when its my turn and why I haven’t met anyone yet? Is there something wrong with me? The devil sure knows my weakness.
I was content through most of my twenties as a singleton, but towards my late twenties and now into my thirties its very very painful.
Love Gen x
Dear Gen, I am happily single in myself but have not been made to feel like that at Church. I still go but really it is a matter of dropping in and out to worship God – although I also do that at home. I believe God wants us to fellowship with other believes so I am continuing to pray and am waiting for Him to sort it out, though it does hurt.
There is a huge part of the OT devoted to what the ungodly seem to prosper in this life – I’m at work right now so can’t put my finger right on it but do find it out. I think that is why the happiest people do sometimes seem to be non-believers.
Please don’t waste time waiting for the right man as it is all in God’s hands, but whatever you do please follow God’s way in all things. It is not the ‘Christian way’ it is God’s way and to deliberately disobey him is pure folly.
If you can’t get the fellowship you need in Church He will be with you in a very special and unique way. Make Him the focus of your life – get into his word and pray. Please reply again as when I am at home I shall email your from my home email in more depth. Love Sue x
Dear Gen. Thanks for your reply – I am happily single in myself, but like you, am not made to feel that way at Church. I still go but it really is just dropping in and out to worship God – it does hurt though because I want to fellowship with others who simply love the Lord.
The Bible talks a lot about those who appear to be happy now – I can remember exactly where right now but there is masses on it – OT. Don’t waste your life waiting for the right man but please do follow the Christian way in all things and seek a group of spirit filled Christian people who will support you in that (easier said I know, I haven’t managed that yet). Trust me, if you think following the ‘Christian way’ (I prefer to call it the God way) has caused you heartache then just think of the eternal consequences of not following the God way. If you turn to God in all things he will be with you. I believe He will actually be with you in a very special way if you truly can’t get the fellowship you need in a Church. To deliberately choose not to follow God – especially when it comes to a spouse is very dangerous. Please remember it isn’t the ‘Christian way’ i.e., the Church or people – it is God’s way. Hope that helps. Sue
Sue – You are so fortunate to be happily single. I have been made to feel like I’ve got the plague by other christians because I am a 30 something single lady. As I said in my previous post it is so difficult going to church and I have now stopped going altogether – I really don’t see the point because as you say ‘church just hurts’.
Its bizarre that the happiest people I know in life are atheists or non-christians – it really makes me think about why I am wasting my life waiting for the right man to come along. I have decided that the next boyfriend I meet I am not going to follow the ‘christian way’ its left me with nothing but heartache.
I wholeheartedly agree with the comments here. I am in my mid forties and very happily single. Definately I am a complete misfit at Church although over the years I have been very involved in various ministries, sometimes I would ‘do’ things just to busy myself because I have been so alone in Church. It seems that married people find me a threat. My experience of Church singles group seem to be dating groups/support groups because of course we should all be so depressed being single! I have persevered for the 23 years that I have been a Christian and now Church just hurts. I love the Lord and His word but I could really do with a supportive Church where I fit in and can be really helped to live for the Lord.
As a christian single in her early 30s I feel like God has forgotten me. All my friends (non-christians) are married with children and I am so alone. Its so difficult going to church. Every church I have attended has no interest in single people, we are ignored.
I am a separated 61 year old women, after 38 years of marriage, I am welcomed by my church and attend a small group of single women. I am truly blessed by the women God is surrounding me with. I am attending a Celebrate Recovery Group at my church where God has been healing my hurts and carrying me through the storms of life, showing me how to live my life as a Woman after God’s own Heart, My family is a a huge support for me as well.
I’m a divorced 57 yr old sick man, living alone after an almost 20 yr marriage. I’m a member of a mega church, and except for area home meetings there is no where to fit. Men’s meeting has little(two way) since its too large. I have over 5 years made few close friends and glad for this type site
Wow! I am the oldest female and a widow. Often left out because they don’t feel comfortable with me. Thinking of moving on because I do not fit their personna of a loving elder..voice to sharp…it is not easy being the only one who gets the criticism but is encouraged to talk…
Divorced with grown sons. I went to several churches, and got the cold shoulder. It really is all for families. I was made to feel I couldn’t join any “small group” because my divorce somehow makes others sin.
I never went back. I just feel, if attending church has to hurt that much, why go?
Hi sheril.
My Father is indian……and my sisters also are in an indian community but we dont sahre the same faith….but its hard to be single in that community…..marriage is something they raise you with……can i ask if that is something you also find difficult within your community and what culture can often dictate…..i understand that in your church it can be really hard…even though we say God is there often we need people with skin on as well if you know what i mean….thinking of you….
I enjoyed reading the articles and the comments as well. I’m a single woman in an Indian community and it’s very difficult for me. When marriage is all anyone in my church talks about and there are the divisions. Especially with couples younger than me getting married. It’s hard for me sometimes to be happy for the newlyweds and new moms sometimes. I would love to join a Bible Study but my church doesn’t even have one for single people. But I know God is there and I’m not alone but it’s hard to sometimes not feel that way…
Hello All,
I am a single mother, in my early 30s .. my my my! I enjoyed reading the comments more than anything, thank you all for sharing. There are times when as a believer, you can begin to think you are the only person with these types of questions.. I agree with most of the comments here .. married couples feeling threatned, the poor single woman plaque, etc.. my congegration had a series regarding this very topic. How to live a life as a Victorious Single..
wow what a lovely article .i WOULD LIKE THIS WRITER TO WRITE ARTICLES FOR OUR MAGAZINE PLEASE GET IN TOUCH WITH ME
Thanks for the positive comments. It’s a joy to seek the Lord with you. Yes, this subject makes all of us think. The need for fellowship in each of our lives (different as they may be) is great. While we strive to get it right, let’s lean on the Counselor together. His unbroken fellowship brings peace & helps us overcome difficulty when people let us down & they are not there. John 14:26-27.
This is a wonderful and needed article. I was lamenting the lack of this ministry at my own Bible Study group. I am single and except for Bible study, I do indeed feel very alone.
There are small groups and I would be THE only single lady in any of them. So, I haven’t joined those. Just the Study.
I hope there are more articles on this in the future.
Octavia and everyone, thanks for posting your thoughts and experiences, you know for me….it has actually helped to know I am not alone with my thoughts on this church family stuff and how do i fit in here…..I don’t know how the spiritual church or family is meant to work….but guess there is a place for us all if people will accept difference and not be afraid of the diversity of our lives that fit into neat boxes….somehow and somewhere we are all broken……
I experience the same as you with people who are friends and not at church…they just seem to be more embracing and non judging and just accepting..and welcoming……i dont know how we can make it more like that in our churches……i have tried……but obviously failing……and i too seek friendships outsdie of church becasue we all need to be part of something…..i know its not the answer, but will keep trying….
It is a good article and I find as a single woman in her mid-thirties it is at times very difficult to fit in at church because people are catergorized according to their marital status and age. You are either seen a threat to married couples or someone to be pitied. And my experience has been that fellow christians are hesitant about building realtionships with you.
This a dangerous place to be. And my experience has been that non christians are more willing to befriend you than christians. This is sad and it lead to my backsliding, just simply because I was someone who gave up everything to commit my life to Christ and in doing so realised that Christianity and the church community can be very exclusive especially when you come broken into the church, hoping to find a sense of family that you haven’t had.
But through God’s grace and his kindness I’ve learned to keep my focus on Christ and not on human relationships and I trust that God will send God-fearing men and women who honour God not only with their mouths, but with their hearts and lives into my life. Through all of this God has also made my look at myself and examine where I fall short in my relating to others.
Isabella, It’s fantastic that you want to help! There is an article on Crosswalk that has some good ideas to start with. Rob Eager also has some really excellent resources. His book is the first book for Christian singles that didn’t make me want to scream with frustration. His site is Dating with Pure Passion He has a study kit with videos and also does quite a bit of speaking. I think there is a list of conferences on his site too. I hope this helps.
I have been having this on my heart for some time. I am the event coordinator at our church and it is really hard to find any events, conferences, workshops totally dedicated to singles. I’ve actually had a couple of single women and men come to me and ask me to PLEASE organize something for them but I can’t seem to find anything. Can anyone please help me or direct to a Christian site for singles where I can get some resources, information, ideas on what I should do? That would be greatly appreciated! Thank you and God bless!!!
This is talking about me too. It has a lot to do with prejudices, on both sides.
I am not married and I do not have kids. It’s hard sometimes to be happy for new moms. It’s not a nice thing to say but it is sometimes, it hurts. You have what I would have expected to have but don’t.
We may judge others or fear judgement like: oh, they will probably think this or that (fear judgement) about me since they are married and sooo perfect… (prejudice).
Let’s try and step out of our comfortzone and talk to someone. Invite someone to do something. Think of the community you want and CREATE it. My favourite is just renting a video and inviting all kinds of people.
If life does not give it to you, if you can, then Make it Happen. Give your prejudice to Him who loves us more than anything and share the Love!
I empathize with Shefalie. As a woman whose husband doesn’t attend church I too have felt the “left out” feelings. I know churches want to see families grow but we are all family. Family is not just 30 somethings, or 40 somethings, marrieds or singles . Family is inclusive not exclusive. the church is the family of God. We are His. Everyone has value. the young can learn from the older and the older from the younger. That is important.
Also single, but retired, I can enjoy the smaller, morning Bible studies, but our church offers an evening women’s Bible study, as well, which has a much larger attendance than the one in the morning. There is obviously a great need for affording spiritual growth opportunities during the week for those who work during the day. Churches may be surprised at the response if they don’t already offer this.
There is also the group of widows (much larger than the widowers) who feel alone. It takes a strong Christian to allow the Holy Spirit to meet those needs of wanting a companion or a human connection. That desire can be
extrememly prominent.
Good article. I was thinking though, what about us who go to church and try to fit in…but we are married….and yet our spouses do not beleive and do not come with us…we also are “single” in one way…..and can feel quite left out when amongst couples who dominate the groups and events in church…..there are specific needs to each of us……