Four Slippery Steps to Adultery
Progressive choices that lead to destruction
At work and church, in our neighborhoods and during our daily activities we all encounter people of the opposite sex who are attractive. That’s not the problem. Our selfish choices after the attraction create the problem. Adultery has a progression and most people (even Christians) take these steps before they slide down the slippery slope.
I know, because I chose this path when I left my husband for a coworker named Jake. I know the lies I told myself, the selfish decisions that broke my husband’s heart and the sins I committed. I also know the healing and restoration that took place when I confessed, broke off the affair, and found forgiveness from my husband and God. Although I have healed, there are scars that remain, even 25 years later, so I pray you will learn from my mistakes as you consider these progressive elements of adultery.
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1. An Unguarded Mind
This is the “What if…” stage where your thoughts begin to grow unchecked. You find yourself asking questions like, “I wonder if he thinks I’m attractive? “, or thinking, ”I hope she sits near me during the meeting”.
Perhaps you try to manipulate your schedule or activities to create more opportunities for contact. Nothing inappropriate has happened yet, but you think about the possibilities. If you allow this to continue, your emotions will grow, the fantasies will take root, and you’ll think about the other person in romantic or sexual situations.
Solution: If an inappropriate thought pops into your head, do NOT allow it to linger. Quickly remove yourself from any tempting situations. Follow the advice in Proverbs 7: 25 “Don’t let your desires get out of hand: don’t let yourself think about her”. Look up Philippians 4:8 and learn how God want us to think.
2. An Unguarded Heart
This is the stage where your emotions run wild and you begin to lie to yourself. (In my case, I told myself I deserve to be happy.) You may start to build emotional bonds with the other person by creating excuses to spend time together. You may try to increase the positive contact and do things to please him or her. Example: If he mentions that he likes red, you may be tempted to wear a red dress or if she talks about a favorite flower, you may want to bring her one.
Solution: Ask the Lord to help you get control of your emotions and to give you a clean heart which seeks after Him. Be deliberate in your walk with God. “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” (James 4: 8)
Consider the negative consequences if this flirtation continues: your spouse’s pain, loss of respect from children, friends, and relatives, and financial losses. You may need to confess your temptation to your spouse or a trusted friend who will hold you accountable because dark secrets have less power when you bring them into the light.
3. An Unguarded Mouth
This step includes verbal flirtations and taking the relationship beyond theory into reality. Perhaps you begin by offering or responding to personal compliments such as, “You are the perfect match for me”, or “When I’m with you, the rest of my life fades away”.
Knowing that compliments are like magnets, you begin to form an attraction and create a verbal intimacy that includes whispers, code words, pet names, and intimate secrets. This can also include flirtatious or sensual/sexual email conversations and instant messages
The next verbal step is to talk about the “What if…”. For example, “If I weren’t married, you’d be my soul mate” , or “I wish I’d met you before I got married”. Jake and I used to play this fantasy game, “If we could run away together, where would we go?”
Then the negative words about your current mate begin:
“My husband treats me like a maid and never compliments me.”
“My wife just treats me like a paycheck and I’m not attracted to her anymore.”
“My wife/husband and I are just roommates and if it weren’t for the kids, I’d have left years ago.”
Solution: Focus on the good things in your marriage and try to compliment your mate at least once a day. Be aware that any emails or IMs you send are not really private. If you would be ashamed to have your pastor or mother read it, don’t type it. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Eph 4:29) Concentrate on building up your marriage with your words instead.
4. An Unguarded Body
This is the step where emotional adultery becomes physical. Some people think that only intercourse defines adultery, but I strongly disagree. If you have intimate, sensual contact with someone other than your spouse, it is a breach of your marriage vows. Ask yourself, “If my actions were photographed, would they condemn me?”
I know how exciting the forbidden kiss is and how electrifying the stolen, passionate caress is but I also know how costly they are because I almost lost everything including my marriage. I walked away from my relationship with Christ as I chose to follow my selfish heart into sin. But I, like the prodigal son, came to my senses as I ran back to the Lord and He welcomed me home. Then I begged my husband’s forgiveness, broke off all contact with Jake, and rebuilt my marriage. Ron and I now help couples see that no marriage is beyond God’s ability to heal.
Solution: If you’ve already crossed the line, stop all contact with the other person, confess your sin, ask for God’s forgiveness, and follow the instruction in Romans 12:1 to “Present your bodies as a living sacrifice to God”. Then read and comply with 2 Corinthians 7:1 which says, “Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God”.
Bring it God
Oh Lord, purify my mind, my heart, my mouth, and my body, I want to be a clean vessel, always ready for Your use and available to serve Your purposes. Deliver me from evil as I flee temptation and run to the shelter of Your outstretched arms. I want to be holy and set apart for You Lord. Please fill me with Your Holy Spirit and empower me, by Your Spirit, to stand strong and bring honor to You and my family. Through the power of Jesus’ name, I ask these things, Amen.
For more information about Ron and Nancy’s story, go to their marriage blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com or read Nancy’s book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around your Marriage.
@Cindy
I understand the pain of being in an abusive, non loving relationship. One of the tragedies that often occurs in life is that we are a product of our childhood as an example if our parents don’t protect us or love us the child feels rejected. This has a devastating result when we get married as often we get married to someone who rejects us and is abusive as this is love for us. At least in our mind. The reason I know is because it occurred to me but CHRIST will free us.
Your ex-husband was cheating on you in a number of avenues. He did not provide the spiritual, emotional, and physical support that is commanded in the Bible. I am sure you would agree that the emotional support and spiritual support was not there but how can I state he was cheating? In Matthew 5: 28 But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
I am certain your husband who is addicted to porn was doing more than just lusting after the woman online! Even though he did not cheat with a physical body his mind was committing adultery with his actions he was doing this every time he watched porn.
You are wrong in believing that you have to live with guilt as this is contrary to the Bible’s teaching. If your having sex with your boyfriend and want to remove the guilt and become free then cease having sex with him. physical activity is something that belongs in marriage as you will always feel guilty and the guilt gets bigger the more you have sex with him. By asking Christ to forgive you for cheating on your husband he forgives you. Your allowing the devil to win your battle for your mind as God has promised in Psalm 32: 5 Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself,” I will confess my rebellion to the LORD” and you forgave me! All my sin is gone.
Christ will forgive you however if we continue to sin against him by having sex because it gives you a temporary healing from your pain then guilt only will get worse. I understand that to have someone to treat you like a human being is very strange but part of the problem with lust is that it wears off then the cycle repeats itself all over again.
Please don’t believe that you are not worthy of Christs love as Christ wants you to be free as you don’t have to live in the bondage you are living in now. God forgave King David who was a man after his one own heart and he will forgive you. You can be free and have the feeling of God’s love. When Christ was earth he told the woman at the well that he had eternal living water where she would never have to thirst again. She accepted his word and was the first missionary who went and brought others to Christ and Christ taught them salvation.
If you wish to sense Gods love then ask Christ to forgive you and no longer sin by having sex with your boyfriend and your guilt will ease. Pray that Christ will heal your hurt from when you were a child and seek him to reveal if you need to meet with a Christian counselor to discover where the pain is from. When we claim verses such as the Psalm I quoted your guilt will ease however their is no need to drink the same poison that makes the guilt return.
Lord Jesus,
You see Cindys heart and Lord you know her inner most thoughts hurts and pains and Lord I know she must feel devastated by her ex-husband who did not love her as you loved the Church. Lord I pray that she will have the courage to ask for your forgiveness and accept that you will forgive her as well as remove the guilt. Lord often in life when we are faced with pain we seek solace in the arms of another person as it has the feeling of temporarily healing the wounds in our hearts. Lord this is not true love that is from you and Lord I pray above all that she will have the courage to give this up so she can feel your joy and peace. Lord I pray that you will put Godly, non judgmental people in her path who will help her to see you in them. Lord Jesus I claim this verse for my dear friend Cindy in Romans 15: 13 I pray that “God the source of hope, will fill you (Cindy) completely with joy and peace because you (Cindy) trust in him. Then you (Cindy) will over with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
God Bless you are a child of Christ and he loves you!
I was married for eight years it was a horrible relationship, towards the end everyday that I didn’t commit suicide was a gift. I tried it all the counseling, the reading, the praying, separation…I just didn’t know what else to try and everyday I needed someone with me because I couldn’t trust myself not to take my own life. I thought about divorce many, many times but couldn’t bring myself to the thought of being alone, I didn’t know what would be worse the living in this horrible marriage where I do nothing right and even saying I love you causes an attack towards me or being alone like I had always been since I could remember. Why couldn’t I be loved? Why didn’t my dad love me? Why didn’t my mom love me? What did I ever do so wrong? No love in my marriage either? I wanted to feel love, I thought I deserved to be loved I was always a good person giving and always trying to do the right thing no matter what that meant. I had many, many male friends especially because of my line of work and I was always being hit on. It didn’t matter to me I wanted my marriage to work with my husband no matter what the options looked like on the other side. But then it happened I met someone at a coffee shop the moment we spoke to each other something happened I wanted to fall and stay in his arms he seemed to know me from the inside out. I left my husband for him not that I wasn’t about to leave my husband anyway either through death or divorce it was just a matter of days really. Anyhow, the person I am with now is amazing, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life! Yet I feel so guilty, my ex husband would tell me that if I ever killed myself that would be my problem. That’s how much he loved me, he was a complete hypocrite of a Christian, an addict to porn, compulsive liar all around and we were physical and horrible with each other all around. How can God want me to stay in that? Eight years! I just couldn’t take it anymore! Still now I will pay forever, now I will always live with guilt, I will never truly be able to enjoy life. And i find myself asking again the same question, What did I do so wrong that I have to be the one to suffer the consequences? Why does it seem that God doesn’t want me to be happy? I don’t know, I am so confused and I miss God
For all of you out there struggling with guilt and pain, there is forgiveness and healing with God and Jesus Christ died for each of you. Even though God hates the sin, He loves the sinner which we are by nature but God made provision for us. We are all incline to sin. Rest in God and arise for your deliverance and quit the fight because from now on God will fight for you. Your responsibility is to protect yourself in prayer and by meditating on his word, the Bible. Just receive Christ in your heart and long for God with every fiber of your being because that is how He longs for you. He will judge everyone at the end but right now He wants to forgive everyone who comes to Him with a willing heart. Come to Him while there is still time. There are no condition to His love like people have when they love you. He loves you still and it does not matter if you sin or not….He still loves you the same forever and that is a long time.
Thank you for your testomeny. If only i would had read this a few years back. I could of seen myself. I didn’t do the physical adultery but according to the bible i fell into adultery. The pain and guilt is so hard to bear. And your relationship will never, never be the same. Run to GOD and hold on tight. If all else fails remember that GOD is worth fighting for! your Soul is worth the fight.
I too devasted my husband of 30 yrs and my children and family and church by this terrible sin. Please know that nothing is good or right outside of God’s will. The consequences of sin even when you are forgiven..the guilt and the shame is never ending and the pain of what you put your loved ones through is almost unbearable. If you have done this please pray for God to lead you back not only to repentence but to restitution.
A pain strikes my spirit reading this article…I remember the same sin I committed 2 years ago. The wound I made to my husband’s heart is what aching me the most. I’m forgiven, yes, but still am feeling the scar. God is merciful; he brings me back my husband whose acceptance of me makes me feel that God is awesomely pure and forgiving.
Do not ever try to go beyond the boundaries of your marriage, you can be healed if you come back but the guilt in the memory is always there. Preserve the beauty of your relationship.
COULD YOU PLEASE pray for my friend julie and her husband..they have been married for 23 years and have 4 children..he just admitted to having an affair and she is devestated but is leaning on the Lord…i just feel helpless and know that I can ask others to pray..thanks
As I read this I weep internally as I am going through the result of an unguarded mind and heart by my spouse. i wish i could say something different; that the pain would go away or that all will go back to what it was before but… its not possible. I have come to see that the pain is forever and the kind of trust that was there at the beginning can never be retrieved. IF you are doing this, please stop… it will only ruin the good things you have.
If you’re reading this and you are on the slippery slope, please, please turn back. My husband made all of these choices and although we are commited to staying in our marriage, we are scarred forever. I have been devastated, our marriage has been permanently altered, and trust is something that will be a long time coming. My husband has completely changed his behaviour, but is now desperately struggling with self-hate and guilt over his adultery. Please, if you are reading this … choose your vows, choose your spouse, choose REAL love, not fantasy, and save yourself from so much grief.
my dil did this several times and her and my son have been seperated over 16 monthes.i love her and it has been so hard on the family.
[...] to share them to all of you…God bless you all and may the God give you wisdom as you read this…SLIPPERY STEPS TO ADULTERY…prevention is better than [...]