Three Safeguards Against Adultery

Written by Paula Friedrichsen

Staying strong in your marriage commitment – even through the fire!

I loved my new church! It was vibrant, exciting and on the cutting edge. The pastor was a talented and charismatic speaker and singer, the church was growing and impacting the community, and I felt so blessed to be a part of it all!

We had just relocated to this quaint little town in Northern California because my husband was starting a new job. Although my husband was not a Christian at that time, he was supportive of my desire to get involved in my new church. And it didn’t take long before I was participating in many different aspects of ministry, such as heading up the nursery program, planning retreats for the ladies and even preaching and teaching occasionally when called upon.

During this time I developed a close relationship with my pastor and his wife, among others in the church body. We would all get together after the Sunday night service and go to a local restaurant, enjoying lively conversation and Christian companionship. There were many times when I would call my husband just before we went, to see if he minded my going.

I could hear in his voice that he just wanted me home and was feeling left out, but I chose to do my own thing.

As time progressed I found that I received enormous pleasure and acceptance in my relationship with the pastor. He became a close friend and mentor and I found myself flattered by his attention and friendship, feeling a type of approval that I had never known. We began talking on the phone regularly, expanding our relationship beyond the usual get-togethers with our mutual friends.

There came a turning point one hot July afternoon. My little boy was napping and I was having my daily phone conversation with the pastor, when he stepped over the line. He revealed his interest in me as more then just a friend, and so began the worst season of our lives. This romantic involvement quickly progressed to an ugly, out-of-control situation, involving my husband and the entire church.

As you can imagine, my husband was furious, his only consolation being that nothing had happened sexually between the pastor and me. And believe it or not, it was around this time that my husband became my best friend! As blame, accusations and rumors were being tossed around town like hand grenades, my husband was a shelter for me, becoming a steady source of comfort and forgiveness.

Safeguards for Marriage

In hindsight I see three major safeguards that I bypassed. If you find yourself tempted by a too-close friendship with a man other then your husband – I believe the following safeguards may be helpful.

1. Trust your husband’s judgment

God intended that my husband would be so much more then “my other half.” He is my protector, many times seeing another man’s unrighteous intentions long before I do. He was never comfortable with my close friendship with the pastor, and while I felt it was OK because it was under the guise of “church,” he was always wary. Men know how other men operate, just like women know how other women operate. Trust your man!

2. In transparency there can be restoration

Restoration could only come when I became completely honest with my husband, bringing the whole, ugly situation out into the light. And now, if I ever find myself becoming secretive or evasive, I know it’s time to tell him all that’s going on in my life.

Make no mistake, however – the path of restoration was a long and difficult
one. It began as I sought out several mature Christian women (women who did not attend the same church as I had, and so had not been hurt personally by the whole affair) to pray for me and offer me their wise counsel. This prayer time, in conjunction with a determined effort to put my attention on my home and husband, began a healing process that eventually resulted in a restored and happy marriage.

3. There is safety in accountability

One of the greatest ploys of the devil is to divide and separate us from the rest of the body of Christ. As I entered into this romantic friendship with my pastor, I became more and more secretive and isolated, no longer making myself accountable to my close friends. Which is exactly why it is so important to keep a network of good Christian friends that are allowed access into our lives – trustworthy girlfriends that we can pray with and tell absolutely anything too.

Trust, transparency, and accountability – the safeguards for a happy marriage!