Unloved
Ok, here goes. This is what I realized this morning: No man has ever pursued me. Which means that no man has ever truly known me. Which means that no man has ever truly loved me. Dang.
My marriage is ending and as I walk this road these unwanted thoughts keep running up to me. Just last night I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. It occurred to me that there is no one who cares what I look like. Now, don’t email me. I know I’m not supposed to care about my appearance and that God looks at the heart, et cetera, et cetera. I get all that. But I’m a girl. I care. It’s just that now I’m the only one who does.
I still can’t believe I’m the girl who uses words like “my marriage is ending”. Maybe that’s good that it still gets to me, that it still stings. I never expected to be here, but here I am, and right here with me is this realization that I’ve been married and I have children but I’ve never really been loved by a man.
(Remind again me why I write stuff like this? I write stuff like this because I know I’m not the only woman who has ever felt this way. And I know I’m not the only woman who feels this way right now. One of you reading this feels this same exact way, I’m just sure of it. And I don’t want you to feel alone.)
So what do we do with this?
Well, I start by acknowledging that it is my truth today. It’s a longing, it’s a deficit, and realistically, it just may remain unfulfilled for the long haul, married or not. On days when I’m not a total train wreck, I take it to Jesus instead of ten million other substitute devices that fill for a second and then drain me right back out again. This morning, I did take it to Jesus.
Here’s what I said to him… When will I learn to come to you, I mean really come to you? I am asking you, again, Jesus Christ, to fill my emptiness, to heal me and make me whole, again and again, to teach me to fully rely on you alone. I want to know you as my husband, my best friend, my one true love. Please do this in my heart and life. Please fix me and fill me.
I have asked Him for this before. I will ask Him for all this again. Maybe it will happen in the next week or so. Maybe it will happen in five minutes. It will probably continue for the rest of my life.
Do I think God not answering me? Or do I think I just keep banging my head against a wall? God already promises that He’s in me, that I have everything I need, that I am precious to Him. He pursued me before I knew Him. He’s especially close to those of us who are heart-broken. God is my peace and my joy. My Maker is my husband. God has answered once and for all, and He does answer again and again.
I know all of these things and I believe all of these things and I have experienced all of these things. But I’m human, I’m frail, I’m just a little girl (as a friend refers to herself during her vulnerable moments, even though she’s in her fifties). And I forget. I forget every single day what I’ve learned the day before.
Remembering God’s love
And, let’s face it…this realization, this knowledge that a man has never really loved me is a pretty big and painful thing to sit with and carry, a heavy thing to know about myself. How did I get to be forty-one without being loved? So, yes, it’s going to hurt and sting and make me walk slower on the days when it hits me again as if for the first time.
Do you struggle to feel loved completely, just for you who you are?
- You can ask the Spirit to let truth sink into you…truth like “you are precious and honored in my sight and I love you,” the Lord says in Isaiah 43.
- You can remind yourself that his grace is enough and it’s all you need according to II Corinthians 12.
- You can remind yourself that your maker is your husband according to Isaiah 54.
- You can remind yourself that Jesus is always with you as he tells us in Matthew 28.
I’m not going to run from this pain. There’s no point in running…it’ll be here when I come back anyway. This is just part of my story. It’s what makes me love my friends better and deeper. It’s what makes me pray for my children harder. It’s the thing that compels me again and again back to Jesus, who knows and sees and understands and heals, and when I’m open, fills me. This is journey of divorce is an unfamiliar and unwanted road, but I know that Jesus walks it with me and He will always be there to remind me, every time I forget.
Take the next step:
When your burden seems unbearable
Rebuilding your trust in God
Life gets complicated. Don’t go at it alone. Talk to our mentors
This is a sad story. But Elisabeth I’m sure someone will love you so much one day, it’s just a little bit of a road to get there. God wants to teach us patience, it’s hard I know, it’s the one thing I struggle with the most but I believe it’s for our own good. I know one thing for sure, I’m sure God and Jesus walk with you everyday. But you know this. You believe it and you feel it in your heart.
Amy, I’m so sorry for your pain. Take a look at my blog at http://elisabethcorcoran.blogspot.com/. If you’re interested in being in a private Facebook group for women in difficult marriages, let me know. It may be of help to you.
i know the pain of not being loved. everyday my husband of 10 years 20 year relationship walks passed me as if i’m not even there. not sure why i stay? I know i should leave but i still love him.i pray for strength.
JustAGuy, I was a little surprised to see you react so strongly to the verse from Isaiah 54. Don’t you think that the same principle would apply to you? Throughout much of scripture the pronouns are male and family relatives are all male. (For example the disciples often write “my brothers” and not “my brothers and sisters”.) As Christian women we are taught that the use of male pronouns was a cultural norm at the time and that each time these gender specific words are used we are included as well. (In fact some pastors will go as far as to read passages as “my brothers and sisters”.) Wouldn’t that same idea apply here? Surely God is not only interested in the martial status of women. If He promises to be a husband to the husband-less would He not also be like a wife to the wife-less?
I can understand the feeling of being unloved. No woman has ever truly loved me. So while I have never been married I can understand days when that feeling of “no woman has ever truly loved me” beats you down to where you can hardly breathe. However, I need to say this one more time. I am a man. The verse in Isaiah does NOTHING to comfort me as I am a man and do not want a husband. I want a wife. Since many people seem to have a hard time understanding these words, let me reiterate I am a man. I do not want a husband. I want a wife.
@Commentators in shock,
Having gone through a divorce it is a very painful experience as a person is rejecting you as a human being however often we forget that it is not us they are rejecting but Christ. If Christ is not at the center of marriage then marriage will begin to fracture and divorce will eventually happen. Looking back from my divorce it broke my spirit so God could put me back together with the comfort of the Holy Spirit as if we seek help from a mentor with Truth Media they will be able to as well guide you and walk along side you what to do.
I distinctively remember that following morning after I knew there was no hope and it was was over as I was looking in the mirror shaving a sense of relief because when you are broken and give up control and surrender to Christ he will use your life in ways you will have never imagined. It does not lessen the pain as we all have two choices either keep pushing towards saving something on our own that may keep you in bondage as Christ desire is to seek a relationship with you. The other choice is that we accept that our marriage has ended and surrender it to Christ and he will save your spirit even if he does not save your marriage.
I can not stress the importance of reaching out for a support group even if you don’t feel like it as if you don’t then your pain has to go some where. The road of trying to ease the pain for men often is getting involved in porn or trying to find a woman’s arms arms to fall into. We will then still be the same and not change as divorce breaks us and if we seek comfort in other things it will only make the pain deeper as the guilt of divorce is awful but the guilt of sex with someone to relive the pain is like sticking a dagger into ones hearts. For woman it could be other things as alcohol or another harmful habit which makes the agony worse.
It is important that you seek the help of Godly Christians people as one avenue is through the mentors with Truth Media. It is good to seek the support of a small group and most important to ask Christ to show you through his Holy Spirit what areas in your life do you need surrender to him. God Bless.
I’m a man on the same road as you. I relate so much with your thought…”can’t believe I’m using phrase, My marriage is ending”.
I think its all my ego but still so hard to relate to becasue my lack of ego and self confidence led to so much of where I stand today.
I’m praying for you.
If you find yourself in a difficult marriage or have gone through a painful divorce and you’re looking for a safe place to find encouragement and hope, you may email at Elisabeth at elisabethkcorcoran@gmail.com and request to be added to her private Facebook group for women like yourself.
Standingformarriagerestoration,
I appreciate your point out of view very much. I do want to just say though that some Christian marriages do end, and sometimes it’s not a mutual decision. For those people who are on the receiving end of an unwelcome divorce, DivorceCare is an excellent tool for healing.
Elisabeth
Either the Devil or GOD did you a favor ??? Pastor John Hagee says “He needs Jesus BEFORE he gets you !!! Why would you want an unholy man? and GOD loves you through Jesus !!! A bride of Christ, Leah Clare
I am going through the exact same thing. I have trouble sleeping. I have isolated myself because I am just so ashamed, still in a daze, taken by surprise that this is happening. One month we were seeking adoption. The next month, my spouse was asking for a divorce. Sometimes I am strong. Some times I am weak as thin paper. I am standing for marriage restoration that will come quickly and suddenly. I keep myself surrounded my ministry tapes. I try to pray every day, with intense prayers at least twice per week. I wake up in the middle of the night and pray. In the middle of the night I turn on the gospel station and listen to ministry tapes. I was good to my spouse, not perfect, but I was completely faithful, completely transparent with my spouse, but that was not good enough. I expressed that I could not be in marriage without God’s help. But my spouse chose satan’s way, not God’s way. I am praying that God is speaking loudly to my spouse. I pray the scriptures concerning my spouse. I put my spouse’s name in the scriptures. I will not date. I will wait for my spouse. I am continuing to trust God. When I feel weak, I will cry sometimes, but will also get on my knees and call out to God. I will not give up on my spouse who has gone to the far country. Read Luke 15. But with God all things are possible Mark 10:27.
God is not a man that he should lie, neither the son of man that he should repent. I will think of you all when I am having a bad day. God knows why we are in this place in life. At least it has drawn us closer to God. Pray for your spouse’s soul that they will not die in their sins. Ask God to soften your spouse’s heart. The heart of the king is in the Lord’s hand, he turns it wheresoever he will. Thank you Jesus! Halleluia! God’s will shall be done. Don’t give up. God can heal your marriage. Search for You Tube Marriage Restoration videos to get hope and inspiration. Stay away from singles groups. Even divorce recovery is not the answer. You want to restore your marriage, not get over a divorce. God hates divorce, not the divorced. Love yourself and keep pressing on! Seek God. Pray against generational curses in your families and your spouse’s family. Draw nigh to God, he will draw nigh to you. This is my prayer for you, your spouses, your families and yourselves.
I am a man of 50 who moved away from his kids and grandkids to marry a beautiful woman, just two years ago.
She entered the change, which it cerainly is, and became a completely different depressed person.
Three weeks ago she asked for seperation & divorce.
I am devestated but I pray, every day, that my unbelieving wife will see sense and ask to reconcile.
Everyday I pray for her salvation and that The Holy Spirit will speak to her.
I am going to stand for as long as I can and my marriage will be better than it has ever been as I am more than a Conquerer, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and above all LOVE NEVER FAILS!
Don’t give up, ask God to show what paths to take and remember that all things work together for good.
I had been backsliding very badly and this whole episode has drawn me back to the Lord.
Lauren, I am so sorry that you have been abandoned by your husband. It is a terrible pain to endure and can be such a hard blow to your self-worth. I am relieved to hear you speak of your trust in Jesus because in Him there is hope. Let me also say that your admission of being weak is a great place to start. You are in great company with that recognition. The Apostle Paul wrote, “Jesus said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2Corinthians 12:9-10) When we are weak we are more likely to look to Jesus for help and that is where He comes in and accomplishes more than we could ever ask or imagine. He will help you to raise your son to be a true, strong man of God. He will provide for all of your needs. He has already given you everything for life and godliness (2Peter 1:3) and He will continue to supply those things for you.
I love the words of Jesus when He said, “seek first God’s kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matthew 6:33) Don’t get caught up in worrying about the things you don’t have but focus your attention on God and what he wants for your life and He will provide for you and lead you into His perfect plan for your life.
I hope this doesn’t sound like I am just throwing out empty platitudes. I know what it is like to have nothing and feel like you are at the end of yourself. God does take those brutally hard circumstances in life and create something that is far better than what I could have imagined. Look to Him for your comfort. Depend on Him for your provision and strength. Surrender your expectations and trust in His purposes to bring you hope, peace, joy and love. You will not be disappointed.
Lord God I pray for Lauren and ask that You would comfort her. I pray that you would bring people around her that would be authentic in their love and care for her and who demonstrate that in their actions. I pray that she would find strength in her relationship with You. I pray that You would protect her son from the destructive thoughts and emotions that can come from being abandoned by his father. I pray that he would develop an ear that hears Your voice and is directed by Your Spirit. I pray for Lauren’s husband that You would convict him of his selfishness and create a new heart in him that is devoted to You and his family. Re-unite them and heal the hurt and pain. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Lauren, let me invite you to connect with one of our online mentors. They can be a helpful friend in difficult times that can give good ideas and comforting words. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor and one will get in touch with you by email.
I am here with Elizabeth, My husband has neglected me for years we finally had a son and he abandon us. Now I’m watching my dreams slip away, trying to pick myself up everyday and cry myself to sleep every night. I have a wonderful supportive family who I love but am a constant burden to. Some days it’s so hard to smile even for my precious son. I don’t know how to raise him to be a true man, a strong man of God. I don’t know how to tell him his father just walked away. I don’t want him to hate him or hate himself. I’m loosening hope.I could stand being lonely if I could just stand on my own two feet, have a safe, good home. Be able to support myself and my son, maybe enough to take care of my mom too. I just need hope, this rings very true to me, the only thing for me is that I will always want a husband on earth. I know Jesus is my husband and knows me better than I even know myself, but I am weak and I think I will always have loneliness in my heart. I will always want a godly husband here to.
So how are you coping with that BJ?
Thankyou for this insight. I am going through the same thing and I know exactly how you feel.
dear c prayer–father God i pray for c right now as her husband is divorcing her and her children protect them and i pray that this husband will open his eyes to see on what he is doing to his family be with them at this time and put your loving arms arund c and her children and let them feel your arms around thenm and birng other christians along their path to encourge them i am praying for you and your children i pray all of this in JESUS name amen God be with you at this time love sharon
Thank you for your honesty. I can also relate to what you’ve expressed and are feeling.
Thanks for reminding me, I’m not alone.
My husband has left me and my kids and is divorcing me. I definitely relate. Thanks for this post!
I found this post very touching, and it resonated with me deeply. Very honest and human!