Unthinkable Loss: Miscarriage and Stillbirth
“We can’t find a heartbeat. I’m sorry, your baby is gone.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing – there obviously had been some crazy mistake. At first I thought they must be in the wrong room. I felt sorry for that poor woman next door – I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes right now. Or maybe it was the ultrasound. These machines malfunction all the time.
I could still feel my baby moving and we had listened to the heartbeat just that morning. Why did this stubborn doctor keep insisting that my child was dead. I was angry that he was upsetting my husband, who was already so worried. I had to make him understand.
“Check it again! Check it again!” I screamed.
The nurse wheeled the doppler machine over to the bed and squirted the cold jelly on my swollen belly. When we heard a faint thump-thump-thump I was so relieved – but the nurse shook her head. It was my own pulse we were hearing, not the rapid swishing sound I had come to love. There was only silence.
It finally hit me – my baby was dead.
All the hopes and dreams that I had for him were gone in that instant. I have no words to describe the pain, the utter despair I felt then. I had always told myself that bad things happen to good people and someday I would be put to the test. I guess I didn’t really believe it though, because I was so surprised. It had never occurred to me that I might lose this baby.
He was our first child. After four years of wise and slightly less-than-patient waiting on both our parts we were ready to build a family. When we saw that pink line on the test stick we danced around our basement apartment like a couple of idiots. We wrapped up one pink bootie and one blue bootie and sent them to each of our parents.
Waiting for baby
Then began the wait – it seemed interminable. Everyone kept saying how the time would fly by – but to me it slowed to a crawl. Before long I had far more maternity clothes than regular outfits. We even began to pack for our move into a new house.
I gave no more than a passing thought to the concerns my husband had about my defective left kidney. After all it hadn’t worked most of my life and the doctors assured us that it was not a problem. Even when my blood pressure climbed we were told to relax. My right kidney function was excellent and I was being closely monitored. This defective kidney was little more than a nuisance. In fact we learned that even in a kidney transplant doctors will leave the old kidneys in.
It was our last week in the basement suite and I had just entered my sixth month when I began passing blood. Remembering our panicked trip to the ER just 2 weeks earlier with severe abdominal pains I was embarrassed to return. I had felt so silly to be sent home with what was probably indigestion, but this seemed to be an awful lot of blood.
Here we go again! I couldn’t believe this is happening now. We are moving that week and I still had a lot of packing to do. This was going to be one of my busiest weeks at work. I hoped they wouldn’t keep me in the hospital long.”
I was admitted that evening and started on a course of antibiotics for what was most likely a kidney infection. The next day each doctor who examined me had a new theory. Perhaps it was kidney stones. Or maybe it was a clot wash – rare, but not unheard of.
After a few hours of agony in the night and a small blood transfusion I began to feel much better. In fact the doctors began to talk about sending me home. We called all our friends and family with the good news. That morning I listened to my baby’s heartbeat for the last time.
This isn’t the way it was suppose to be
The days that followed are a blur – pain, my mom’s voice on the phone, a nurse holding my hand, our pastor praying for us, the pain when I cried, my husband’s worried face . . . I still “felt” the baby move. It was most likely bladder spasms or the very common “phantom kicks” often associated with in utero death.
A Cat Scan revealed what the doctors had no way of knowing- my kidney was bleeding profusely. It was not draining properly – so while everything appeared to be clearing up, in fact the blood was pooling in my kidney. As it filled up it began to expand, putting pressure on all my organs and my womb.
I was scheduled for surgery immediately. Before being wheeled away I received my 7th unit of blood. The doctor took my husband aside and explained that the kidney was a ticking time bomb which could rupture at any time – it was already approximately the size of a basketball.
I wasn’t afraid, in fact I didn’t really think much of it – I just wanted it all to be over. Less than a week after surgery I was wheeled up to Labor and Delivery. The next morning at 9:10 a.m. I gave birth to my son Noah William Hoos – 1 lb. 6 oz. and perfectly formed. It was the most bittersweet moment as I held his tiny body close to mine!
“I love you so much my precious boy! I can’t wait to meet you someday! I am so sorry this happened!”
Where do we go from here?
I find it difficult to explain what I am going through. Grief, for me, comes in waves. It appears unexpectedly and sweeps through my soul. There are times when I had a smile on my face, I may say that I am fine, I may even convince myself that it is true, but just around the corner lurks another wave of sadness.
I am tossed like the ocean – pounding waves and crashing surf, yet only a few miles below the surface the deep waters are still and calm. Beneath the turmoil I have an abiding peace. It is what the Bible calls “a peace that passes understanding.” It doesn’t make any human sense to feel that peace right now – but I do. I know that everything will be okay. I know that I am not alone.
As a child I made the decision to trust Jesus Christ with my whole life. I did not understand everything about Him and I still do not, but I knew that He loved me and I believed that only He could take care of me. It was not very eloquent, but I meant every word when I prayed:
“Dear Jesus, I want to go to heaven when I die. I know that I do lots of bad things and I am not good enough on my own. Please forgive me. Come into my heart and stay with me always. Thank you for dying in my place. Amen.”
Because of this simple prayer, said so many years ago, not only do I have a peace that could only come from God, but I have hope. I know that one day I will see my baby boy again and what is even more amazing – one day I will see God face to face. I do not need to worry about my future, because it does not depend on what I do. Jesus has earned my place in heaven – all I had to do was ask.
The Bible says “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed . . . Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” (2 Corinthians 4:8-9,16)
Epilogue
It has been more than 5 years since I wrote this article about my firstborn son. Many people would be surprised at how much I still miss him. There have been times of struggle, of anger and hurt. Especially when our son Simon was also stillborn. Yet again, there was God himself walking beside me.
Life is so unfair and I don’t understand the “whys” of it all. But I do know that God is faithful, no matter how I feel in the moment. I am convinced that He is the answer.
Since many people have asked, yes, we have had other children. Noah has 3 little sisters here on earth. They are a blessing and a gift. I wonder if hearts that grieve do not have an even greater capacity for joy.
21 Responses to “Unthinkable Loss: Miscarriage and Stillbirth”
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I have lost three children to miscarriage – one at 10 weeks, we named this baby “Baby Lu”, meaning Light, because it was too soon to see if boy or girl. The next at 19 weeks in a similar fashion to you, the previous ultrasound had been fine, and we were shocked to discover a few weeks later everything had drastically changed. The doctor had gone out of the room and kept reappearing, then disappearing – i assumed he was dreadfully rude taking personal calls while i was desperate to see again my little baby on the ultrasound! Then he told the shocking news. It left me speechless. I was permitted to go through a delivery so i could at least see if I had a little boy or girl. We named our little boy Joshua, meaning “Jesus.” The last baby was also born around 18 weeks. We named him Eden, because it was as though he had been seed planted in the garden of my womb.
Of course I cried heaps and of course I was mad, I assumed it was all part of the grieving process and eventually I thought it was all over. But I was getting increasingly angry at my family, especially my husband, over really insignificant things. I was slamming doors and yelling at the children… one day my husband had a go back at me and furious I marched out the front door and slammed it behind me. I would have run away in the car but I’d forgotten the keys inside and was far too proud to go in and get them! So I went and hid – for some time – very childishly – in the garden.
After a while I saw some pruning shears lying in the garden, and since I couldn’t humble myself to go back inside and apologise for the way I had acted, I thought I should channel my anger and take it out on an overgrown rose bush which climbs up a frame at the back of our home. So i was hacking away at it when I heard that still, quiet voice speak to my heart. I started to remember the verse where the vines are pruned in order to bring forth fruit. “Yes, Lord”I found myself praying, “but you took the fruit of my womb”. I was still hacking away at the vine and still extremely angry when i found myself almost challenging God, “You took my child, what would you know what it is like to lose a child?!”. It was then that the truth hit me like a rock. He knows what it is like to lose a son. He knows, because He has been there. For a moment I had a completely new perspective.
I still have a lot of anger but I can take comfort in the peace that came from that moment. I was stunned to find the number of other women hurting from the same dreadful experience who only came forward once they knew what had happened to me. we do need to comfort one another
Katie Praise God, I just want to encourage you that dont give up on your faith which has a reward from God thank God for it could have been you who would have passed away, but now that you are alive what your eyes have not seen its what God has prpaired for u. God is faithful you have more babies in your womb than you can ever emmergine the deviel is lair take a stand and no to the works of the deviel.
I speke to you in the Name of Jesus that you womb shall bear fruit by the power in the blood of Jesus.
Please forgive your lovely hasband and also apologise that will be the begining of you victory
God bless you
Sorry i used katies, but the message is for my sister who lost her babies
Thank you for putting the peace and the great sadness into words. We too waited 4 years to have a baby. I’m the oldest of 6 & never thought I’d lose a baby. My placenta slipped and we lost our baby boy at 16 weeks. That was 22 years ago. We lost a total of 6 babies… they just seemed to fall out of me. We have been blessed with a daughter, soon to be 21 & a son, 18. I do know that God has used my lose and pain to reach out to so many others…
Thank you so much for sharing about your loss. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one with these thoughts and struggles. My husband and I lost our sweet Lillian Joy 11-13-09. I was 4 days past my due date, and went to the hospital for a scheduled induction.
I had gone to the doctor the day before and she was “fine”. The following morning, the morning I was due at the hospital, she woke me up at 3:30 kicking. By the time they took me to my room at 6, Lilly was gone.
It’s the worst thing I have ever been through in my life.
So sorry to hear about your loss and pain. Empty arms that ache forever.
Dear Katie, Robin and Desiree,
Thank you for taking the time to post a comment. You are not alone in your loss. I too lost two babies and three grandchildren all before fullterm…..We have mentors here on this site that would love to walk this journey with you. Why not click on the Talk to a Mentor link above? Losing a baby leaves a hole that is forever a part of the fabric of our lives and no matter how many other children we may or may not have, we are defined by those we lose….God sees your tears.
I too lost a baby at 34 weeks. I was only 18 years old. That was almost 6 years ago and I still miss my daughter deeply. There is an emptyness that doesn’t seem to ever get filled.
Nicole, I understand your pain. We have mentors on this site that would love to walk alongside with you. Just click on the ‘Talk to a Mentor’ button if you are interested in connecting.
to our dear Katie Morris am so sorry for what happen.
I lost my baby at 16 weeks two months ago, some days I feel peace that; knowing that all things work out for the good for those who love the Lord and other days I feel angry and sad, like today. I just feel lost and empty.
Hi, Lizie
I saw your comment on our article http://powertochange.com/experience/spiritual-growth/christyh/ and I was wondering if you would like to talk to a mentor? Mentors are trained volunteers with real world experience and can often help to offer a second opinion, a listening ear or other resources. These are big issues you’re dealing with and mentors are the best resource we have to help work through them.
If you decided to give it a try, the mentor would email you using our secure system, The Mentor Center (TMC). TMC ensures your privacy by protecting your information. If you want to keep talking, just hit reply. The conversation is confidential and non-judgmental. You can keep talking to your mentor as long as you like and there is never a fee.
If this sounds like something that might help, just reply to this email and I’ll set it up for you.
Sincerely,
Leah Kullman
TruthMedia
Hi Leah, I did talk to a mentor yesterday, but I can’t seem to find the right link that will connect me to an active chat page. Your assistance is greatly appreciated.
Thanks for your assistance.
You know what? I’m so angry at the society that it feels sympathy only for people; (especially those who lost their babies) only those who are married. Please don;t hear me wrong here, I’m not anti-marriage in anyway here, I’m a big marraige fan and believe that it’s God’s desire that we all conceive children only within a protected environment of marriage. But for people to ignore you just because you chose to be disobedient to God I find it not only inhmane, but cruel and anti-God. I’d like to believe that whether we suffer because of our bad choices or not, He cares nevertheless when we are hurting. I’d like to convince myself that God is not happy when we are hurting irrespective of how we incurred the pain, whether it was the result of our sin or not. I’m so angry at myself for being so naive, stupid and disobedient to God and that makes it difficult for me to express my pain to Him because I feel it’s self inflicted, but sometimes I have no choice but to talk to Him, because I have no one else to talk to, all the people I called friends have abandoned me. I hate people…but I want to be healed and I want to be allowed to moarn the untimely passing of my baby irrespective of how I conceived him. I’m so angry at life, but I still want to live life with love and compassion like Christ did.
Your are not even allowed to ope up and talk freely about your pain ONLY because you are not married, this is cruel, can someone bring me a sensible perspective here. I hate the way I feel and know that it is wrong. I want to to be happy again and love people again and feel compassion for them, especially those who do not know God.
Hi Lizie,
Here is the link to chat http://powertochange.com/discover/chat/room/?channel=cwt-forum&cal=9. The room is only for women and it is open 24/7.
I just wanted to say, grief is grief and if you are experiencing a miscarriage you have the right to grieve. God loves you and his heart is bleeding with yours right now.
Let me know if you need anymore assistance.
Blessings,
Leah
We lost our son Zachary to SIDS on February 15, 2008. Although it has been two years I miss him more now than ever. We now have a beautiful little boy named Kasen, but I watch him doing things and can’t help but be sad that I never got to see Zachary do the same things. I have peace that someday I will be reunited with my little boy as well as see Christ’s face. God bless all those parents who have lost children. Just know that the Lord knows your pain and cries with you.
Hi Teresa
I am sorry for your loss, I could not even imagine the pain and grief you are going through. If you would like to talk to a mentor, just comment back and let me and I will help you get set up with mentor.
Leah
wow, tears roll down my face unstopable! I am encouraged and saddened at the same time. I haven abortted a child (before I came to Christ) lost a child by miscarriage, and now seem to be barren after surgery and only one fallopian tube. Been trying for 8 years and it’s been a fight to not stay depressed. I’ve seen all of my friends get pregenate and all of the people who had my problem get blessed with a mirical baby. There was so much hope after my surgery in dec.2009, but nothing has come. My 16 year old son that I gave birth to (who i was considering abortting) has been in so much trouble and evil that my heart cries now that he has left me with an empty nest! I often feel like if I am not a mother then who am I? I desire to be a mother and not just to adobt but to carry my child in my stomach. i miss all of my children, and at 35 I still desire to be a nuturing mother. Each persons pains looks like something different but it has the same color. Thank you ladies for sharing.(I have signed up for a mentor)
Lisa
I would also like to add before I knew Christ, I killed my child. I often hurt because I refused a gift that God gave me inspite of my sin that I now long for but He has chosen not to give me again. REGRET=PAIN LOST=PAIN Unfulfilled Desires=Pain and REGRET + LOST + Unfulfilled Desires =DEPRESSION
Lisa,
Grief and guilt become inevitable in the face of pain and sorrow but one thing is certain either you call it self-inflicted or otherwise WE DO NOT HAVE A HIGH PRIEST WHO DO NOT SHARE IN OUR FEELINGS. Though we might have disobeyed Him, yet like the prodigal son, He will restore us back into His kingdom. How does it sound for a man to leave 99 in search of 1? God is at best in this. He is still on your side. The one called barrren can still born Seven. Rahab was a big time harlot yet became one of the women in the lineage of Jesus Christ. What of Bathseba? Lost a son to adultery but later had the wisest king in Israel. God has not yet concluded on your case. Believe me He is working on it. Soon you will be here again to share the testimony. Thank God you have openned up to Him. Good that you have a mentor working it out with you. Rely on God’s help even when the Devil come harrassing you on your past leave the room to avoid depression and take a walk but tell him IN His blood.