A Widow’s Journal
Ev’s husband passed away from cancer on Sunday, Novmber 24, 2002. This is her 9-part journal. She prays that it can help other people who are going through the grieving process.
Part 1 – A man after God’s heart
Occasionally I sent parts of my journal as emails to those who were praying for me. This is the first one I sent just days after his homegoing.
In his tribute at John’s memorial service, our son-in-law Braedan said that John was more than a child of God, he was a veteran soldier of the kingdom, and God did not want his veteran’s to go with a fizzle. It was anything but.
One of the last things God enabled John to do was a video interview taped less than two weeks before his homegoing. One of the questions he was asked by Dave Currie, who arranged it, was, “If you had your life to live over, what would you do differently or do more of?”
John’s response, “I’d spend more time in the Word, getting to know God better, and I’d witness more, taking the initiative to talk to individuals about Christ.”
This from a man who wore out bibles because he always had them in his pocket and in his own words, ‘never wanted to be more than twelve inches away from one’ so he could take it out at any time and read it. And I know how often he would look for opportunities to share Christ in all kinds of situations.
Why do I share all these things?
Because, though he was a leader, John was not an ‘upfront’ person. He did not have a prominent position, nor did he sway people with his eloquence, and many in that way are just like John.
But that didn’t stop him. Rather his leadership was accomplished by influence. He influenced people by his life, and by his prayers, and by his love for God and love for them.
He was in love with God
In the last few weeks as the affirmations came in, I kept thinking, ‘It really is true, what the Bible says, “Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you.”‘
Recently a friend asked if I had known what I was letting myself in for when I married John. (referring to a life in the ministry, etc). I said that as a teenager my goal had been to marry a man who loved God more than I did. I never really imagined what that might look like, nor did I add any more criteria than that one. I think I somehow knew that that would cover a lot of ‘territory.’ At the time I don’t think my devotion to God was that great, so it didn’t take much to match or exceed it.
We had the same priorities
In fact the first time I was alone with John (he took me home from an event about two days after a mutual friend had introduced us), he ended our time together by asking if we could read the Bible and pray together. I thought I was on to something, or as some would say that ‘I had a live one.’ I was barely nineteen, and that was not the usual way that dates ended for me.
On our third outing, he announced that he planned to be a missionary, and wanted to know what I thought of that. He also said he thought he would never own his own home. I began to think that I was getting more than I had bargained for, and some time later when he started encouraging me to share my faith, I knew I was in trouble.
And yet, how could I resist?
After seven years of marriage, and several difficult ministry experiences, we met Campus Crusade and received effective training on how to do ministry.
John just took off running
In a matter of a few days he had seen more people receive Christ than in all his previous life and he never looked back. I followed, but at a slower pace. Much slower. Although he was always my greatest cheerleader when I made progress, he never made me feel that I was not doing enough.
John was a very gracious partner
Although he claimed to have had a very vicious temper, which he said God was keeping in check, I never, in 41 years, even remotely saw that side of him. But I had to believe him because he told some stories that convinced me that it had been true. He always came to my side of the car to open the door, and complained when I did it myself.
He had a servant heart
In the last few weeks when he had very little strength he worried about me doing too much. One day when I was tidying the house because someone was coming, he suddenly said, “I feel terrible.” Immediately I was alert, and asked if he was in pain or feeling nauseous.
“No”, he said, “I feel terrible that I can’t help you.”
Coming from a family of seven boys and two girls, his mother had taught him how to press his pants and darn his socks. What she actually did, was say, “If you want a crease in your pants, you’ll have to put it there,” and he did, for the rest of his life.
Modern socks became stronger and more affordable, so he never darned any while we were married, but a few months ago, when I promised my mother I would fix the hole in the elbow of one of her favorite sweaters, it was John that had the expertise and finished the job.
He laughed at my jokes and I laughed at his
He wasn’t very good at telling ‘canned’ jokes, but when he found a one-liner that he liked, he used it over and over again. He always told waiters that the food “was good while it lasted,” and when people phoned late (or early) and apologized for waking him up, he’d say, “That’s OK, I had to get up to answer the phone anyway.”
He would surprise me with statements that seemed to come out of the blue. I was still going to the office for short periods of time, and John watching me go from his place on the couch, said, as he had so many times before… “You’re beautiful.”
During his last few weeks he was constantly saying “thank you.” For any little thing I did, he let me know he was thankful.
The last week of his life I never left him alone, but we didn’t talk very much. He was sleeping much of the time and near the end of that week, he suddenly said, “I feel like we’ve had such quality time together this week.” (Where did that come from?)
He just kept on blessing me
From the time he heard he had cancer until the very end, 47 months later, John repeated one statement over and over again. If he said it once, he said it a hundred times: “Cancer is not in charge, God is.” I took my cue from him. His apparently total absence of fear, seemed to transfer itself to me for much of that time as well.
After sending this email. I had no plans to send any more. I was immediately very busy looking afterall the things that need to be done at a time like that, and then it was Christmas. I put up a small tree for the sake of my grandchildren and wondered when or if I would fall apart.
