Five Ways to Improve Your Friendships
A few years ago my friend Tina told me that she might be moving to a new city. This news caused me to realize that I had taken our friendship for granted. For the first time I saw the blessing her friendship had been to me. I also took a look at my other friendships and realized I had some work to do! Here are five ways I found I could improve my friendships. You may find them helpful as well.
- Don’t expect one friend to meet all your needs. In their book What Every Mom Needs, Elisa Morgan and Carol Kuykendall write, “Just as no marriage can meet our every need for intimacy, neither can a single friendship”. It is essential to look to more than one friend to meet our special needs for intimacy. If we don’t, we run the risk of becoming overly dependent on that person, expecting more from her than she is capable or even willing to give. That’s when possessiveness sets in to suffocate the relationship. To have a lasting friendship, we must first be willing to let her go and give her room to be who she is. Also, including various friends in our lives will speak to the different aspects of our personality.
- Find value in yourself and in others. “Do not be awestruck with other people,” wrote the late Norman Vincent Peale in his book, The Power of Positive Thinking. “Most people despite their confident appearance and demeanor are often as scared as you are and as doubtful of themselves.” Realize that each person has something valuable to bring to the relationship. When each friend sees the other this way it brings a healthy balance to the friendship and neither person runs the risk of losing her identity.
- Allow friends room to grow. Tina once told me about one of her friends from high school. It was five years before she saw her friend after graduation, and then a couple more years passed before she was able to see her again. But during the time they were together she said, “It was like we’d never left. We could always pick up where we left off.” A good solid friendship picks up where it leaves off. We often wonder, “Don’t we have to see our friends or call them at least twice a day to be close?” The answer is “no”. Most women barely have time to talk heartily with their friends once or twice a week, let alone a day. A friendship should be built on trust. We have to trust that our friends do love us and care for us, even when they can’t see or call us as often as we would like. When a friend needs to take some time away to minister to others or to further develop, we should encourage her efforts and be sensitive to her need.
- Accept friends the way they are – don’t try to change them. Have you ever given a friend advice and then found out later that she didn’t follow through with what you told her? Were you hurt or upset? Did you feel betrayed, like maybe she didn’t trust you? It’s not our responsibility to change or fix our friends. Our purpose is simply to love them. Like us, our friends are “under construction”. If there are any changes to be made God will make them in His time.
- Pray for and with your friend. Prayer with a friend is like a tall glass of ice water on a hot summer day – it’s refreshing, it’s cleansing, and it revitalizes the spirit. When I pray with my friends it becomes evident to me that we share more than a friendship. We are sisters, and we share a loving Father.
A few weeks after receiving the news from Tina, I found out that she wasn’t leaving after all. She and her husband decided that where they were was home. Though initially she was happy, she seemed to breathe a huge sigh of relief when she found out she was staying. So did I.
As glad as I was that my friend didn’t leave, I was even more glad that she almost did. If she hadn’t presented me with the mere possibility of her moving, I would have missed an awesome opportunity for growth. Now I am privileged to know the real treasure I have in my friends and I am thankful.
