Beauty From Ashes
What transforms a broken heart of stone into a soft heart of compassion? Is it the mountaintop experiences of joy and laughter, or is it life’s dark valley times of pain and sorrow?
After reflecting on my life and studying the lives of people in the Bible, I would have to answer that compassion is formed in the dark valley times. Times when the physical or emotional pain is so great we cry out to God. In the midst of this pain, God answers our desperate cry with a perspective that will comfort us in our suffering. What is this perspective? To look outside of ourselves and see our pain benefiting others. This brings purpose and meaning to our suffering.
Now, a little of my personal history. I am the first grandchild in our family. As a child, my grandmother doted on me and my grandfather was the very special man in my life. Just he and I would go to the park to play on the slide and swings, to the movies, to the local university’s basketball games and to the grocery store. My favorite memory is when he took me for ice cream cones, which is still my way of treating or rewarding myself.
My grandfather was there when my dad wasn’t. My dad was in the military for 26 years and was gone most of my young life. Consequently, my relationship with my grandfather filled the void and was very important to me. Later, as an adult, I would be flooded with memories that my grandfather was my sexual abuser. It was during the times that I was alone with him that he forced sexual behavior on me.
When I lived with my grandparents, we attended church every Sunday. At the front of the church, behind the beautiful altar, was a huge statue of Jesus hanging on the cross. It was this statue that gave me hope in the midst of my secret pain and abuse. Throughout the entire service, I focused on this statue. I knew Jesus understood my suffering, even though His suffering was displayed for all to see. Unlike mine, which was done in darkness and hidden from the world.
Jesus became the only male figure in my life that I could trust. He alone was my confidant, my consoler, my everything. I told Him all my fears and dreams. I knew He always heard me, because the sermons and Sunday school lessons told me so. I believed it all.
Into my adult years, my relationship with God the Father was another story. In my mind, He was unapproachable. Distant. Judgmental. Punishing. Someone to be feared. I used to mentally beat up myself for not praying to Father God, for leaving Him out of my heart.
During a time in prayer, I sensed Jesus leading me to the Father. I sensed His love for me, but I didn’t trust it. Something inside me said, “I have been down this road before. Here is a father figure saying He loves me, but only to abuse and neglect me.”
As I continued to pray over the next year, Jesus remained beside me, silently watching over me. His presence gave me the courage to go through the process of learning that God the Father is trustworthy. That He loves me, too. That He won’t abandon or neglect me anymore than Jesus would. I came to know Father God as compassionate and full of mercy, not punishment. He became Someone that I respected, but didn’t have to fear. I learned that Jesus is the mirror image of the Father. Now I trust both of them equally.
My heart had been locked up due to the abuse I received as a child. But when the time was right, God unlocked my heart with His unconditional love, compassion and healing. I lived the first 40 years of my life keeping the secret silent. I didn’t begin my healing process until after my abuser’s death.
Since that time, my journey has been full of answers to the many questions I have carried inside myself. Yet, the answers did not come without pain and tears. For with the truth came the horrible images that at times filled my mind and broke my heart. There have been times when the emotional pain is so overwhelming, I wished I had never begun the process of healing. But I have to tell you, in looking back on this journey, the joys have outweighed the sorrows! The wounds of abuse are still there, but most of them are now only scars, thanks to the support of the compassionate God, my trustworthy husband John, my Christian therapist Dottie and my survivor friends. The joys include the knowledge that you are being positively impacted by my story.
There are times I feel alone in the dark abyss of my pain, but soon I’m reminded by God that He is there with me. Jesus felt the sting of rejection, of abuse, of unjust, violent actions in spite of His innocence, and of silence in the face of His accusers. He alone deeply understands and truly feels my pain. He comforts my aching heart as it breaks over every flashback and memory of the violence done to my little body and soul.
Leaning on God the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is now a daily way of life for me. I know that whatever I experience in this world, good or bad, they are right beside me. Holding me in their loving arms of compassion. Nothing can separate me from their love. Just as the Scripture says, “For neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39).
Are you secure in God’s love for you? Have you been able to see through your pain to experience God’s plan for your healing and your ministry to others who suffer?
God wants to be our leverage in living, empowering us to feel better about ourselves, more excited about our future, more grateful for those we love and more enthusiastic about our faith.
If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, God has given you His Holy Spirit to help you live life according to His perfect plan. Why not pray this simple prayer and by faith invite Him to fill you with His Spirit:
Dear Father, I need you. I acknowledge that I have sinned against you by directing my own life. I thank You that You have forgiven my sins through Christ’s death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as You commanded me to be filled, and as You promised in Your Word that You would do if I asked in faith. I pray this in the name of Jesus. As an expression of my faith, I thank You for directing my life and for filling me with the Holy Spirit. Amen.
