Struggling with Illness
For 15 years I’ve had the same prayer request, and for 15 years, God has said no.
A series of events as an infant caused me to have some physical problems, including immune deficiencies. I was very sick and my hair began to fall out. Doctors soon diagnosed me with a disease called alopecia areata. The only explanation of this disease that I was given was “male pattern baldness.” As I was approaching my teens, I really had a hard time accepting this diagnosis for two reasons.
- Most obviously, I am not a man.
- The only pattern it went in was the flower pattern on my pillowcase!
So, I started visiting with different doctors who all gave me different opinions and this continues to this day. But after 15 years and many doctors, tests and shots, we still know nothing.
Growing up bald
I’ll answer the question I’m sure you’re asking. Yes, I am bald, but do I wear a wig? I have not had hair since I was nine years old. I can remember being a small child and having a doctor give me shots in the head. One memory is of the shot itself. That thumping sound is one that you never forget. Even though I was probably like three or four, I can still hear that sound: THUMP! I don’t remember the shots hurting but the pressure of it hitting the top of my head and that sound; it haunts me to this day.
Later, I was afraid to go to school because either someone would pull off my wig or torment me. These were not just fears–they were my daily reality. There were a lot of nicknames for me, and I never really had a name. I was simply known as “that girl who wears a wig.”
Needless to say, I never had a boyfriend and my friends were few but very appreciated!
The fear and anguish of school went on until I eventually quit in the 10th grade. I had gotten sick and missed some days, and even though I made up all of my schoolwork, they were still going to fail me. It didn’t matter that I was in college classes and making straight A’s for the first time in years.
When the school principal made a sarcastic comment about Jesus Christ, I told him that where my God is not welcome, I will not be. I never set foot in that school as a student again. Within a month, I passed the GED with flying colors and received my high school diploma.
Understanding real faith
Being sick and seeing my faith maligned were part of why I left school. But honestly, the deciding factor was that I just wanted to escape from my miserable life. I couldn’t take anymore. After all, the year before I quit school, I was so sick that I did not even want to live. I went to bed every night thinking I would not wake up the next morning– that’s how sick I was. When I did wake up, I’d sit all day and pray, “God, take me home today.”
A troublesome piece of “advice” I received was, “If you’ll just have faith, God will heal you.” When I wasn’t healed, well then, I just didn’t have faith. My grandmother said it best when she would reply, “When Jesus wants her to have hair, He’ll give her hair.” It wasn’t theological, but people sure did hush after she said it. She was right. The thing that people forgot to tell me about faith was the simple promise of IN GOD’S TIME!
Before asking anybody personal questions, always stop to ask yourself, “Is satisfying my curiosity worth making another person question God?” That’s what people pointing, touching my hair, asking me point blank, “Is that a wig?” and even pulling my wig off, has done to me. It brought me to a point where I questioned God’s love and faithfulness.
Moving forward with life
Now, after facing fifteen years of public humiliation, crying myself to sleep and praying the same prayer for God to heal me, I’m here to tell you that God is good — He is faithful and has not forsaken me yet.
At the age of thirteen I was told that because of my condition that I would go through menopause in my teens and never be able to have children. My friends also warned me that most likely no man would ever want to be married to a bald woman, so I’d probably never get married. But I’ve been married now for three years, I have two beautiful children and two beautiful stepchildren. So hey, four kids by age 23 is not so bad. I’ll say it again– God is good, all the time.
I still pray for healing. But recently God’s answer has not been “no,” It’s been “GO.” God has called me into a ministry of simply telling people that it’s OK to be different. You see all of my life, I thought God had cursed me with this illness but in fact, He was seasoning me all along for His greatness.
What about you? Are struggling with an illness or other hardship? The apostle Paul did. He prayed that his “thorn in the flesh” would be removed. But Christ spoke to him, saying, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, God has given you His Holy Spirit to help you live life according to His perfect plan. He wants to turn your pain into something that can help you focus on Him. God wants to give you power so you can “GO” to others and share about His goodness in your life.
Why not pray this simple prayer and by faith invite God to fill you with His Spirit:
Dear Father, I need you. I acknowledge that I have sinned against you by directing my own life. I thank you that You have forgiven my sins through Christ’s death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as You commanded me to be filled, and as You promised in Your Word that You would do if I asked in faith. I pray this in the name of Jesus. As an expression of my faith, I thank You for directing my life and for filling me with the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Image credit: A Touch of Glass
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. :) Cheers! Sandra. R.
I understand the curiosity of others. While going through an illness, strangers’ comments, “You don’t look well, what’s wrong?” made me feel I was defining myself by my illness. “You are so skinny” made me feel I was wearing a big sign which read, “SICK PERSON”, or in some eyes “Anorexic,” which I am not. I, like you, want others to see my love of God and not form an opinion of me by how I look.
I pray I will always look past the obvious and see people with God’s eyes.
I am so grateful for my loving and encouraging family and close friends who help me to look upward and to continue to grow in His Word.