Confessions of a Survivalist

Written by Sheila West

Life has a way of changing. After 18 years as a homemaker, I went into business with my husband. We opened an archery pro shop and began an adventure that we could never have imagined.

Our tiny shop grew by leaps and bounds. In 1984 we began an international wholesale division that twice made the list of America’s fastest-growing companies. Top that off with starting a marketing communication company that is now experiencing rapid growth and you find me with a very full plate.

I was the epitome of the American dream, but inside I was struggling to live up to the image I was expected to embody. Business crises, family conflicts and personal doubts took their toll and left me with a sense of failure despite my outward success.

I remember thinking one day, “If I work harder, I can hold it all together— the business, my family, my sanity. All I have to do is ride out the crisis and endure the conflicts as they run their course.” WRONG!

The reality of chaos

Chaos is here to stay. But even though it surrounds us, chaos doesn’t have to control us. We can do more than just survive the fear of uncertainty, the pressures of expectations and the panic of possible failure.

Coming to this realization was a process for me. Earlier in my life, I thought I had to make things happen. I didn’t believe anyone was aware of or had time for my needs. So I became a survivalist— someone whose determination to survive adverse circumstances makes them take measures to meet their own needs. My only sense of security lay in my being in control.

That was until a time in my life that I call my year of reckoning. In February of that year, my grandfather died. He was the only father I had ever known. Two months later, my mother passed away, and soon after that, my husband and I separated. I was so alone and desperate for someone I could depend upon. When I realized that I could not control others nor all the circumstances that affected my life, I had to face the stark reality that there is no security in trying to be in control.

I had searched in many ways to find security, peace, and happiness, but none had taken care of the chaos within me. As I reflected back over my life, all I could see was pain, frustration, and a cloud of resentment that seemed to hover over me.

It was at this time I received a letter from a very dear cousin, who wrote, “Sheila, God loves you and I’m praying for you. I only wish that I could give you the faith that I have in God to carry you through.” But she couldn’t do that. I had to have that faith for myself.

Finding peace

I believed in God and had been brought up in church. I knew the Bible said that Jesus Christ died for the sins of the world, that He was buried, and rose on the third day. If someone had asked me if I were a Christian, I would have said, “Yes.” Yet there was a storm raging within me.

In my search for solutions, I went back to the Bible. Upon reading a verse (Matthew 6:33a) that said, “Seek first the kingdom of God,” the reality hit me that I had sought God’s help all my life, but I had never sought God Himself. I realized that being born into a Christian home, going to church, or just believing was not enough. I not only had to believe but I had to personally—by faith— seek God. I prayed that night as I had never prayed before, asking for God’s forgiveness and for Him to take control of my life.

There was peace as I acknowledged the only things I could control are my choices. The raging storm within me subsided. The stillness told me that God was in control.

My spiritual awakening did not take me out of the chaos of being a single parent. I did not get a big raise that made life easier. Nor did my husband come running back to me. But when I feel lost and afraid in the midst of chaos, God is there.

I’m learning that when it seems I’ve reached the end of my strength and resources, the knowledge that I’m not alone in the midst of the chaos keeps me going when others would quit. It keeps me focused on doing the right things and letting God do the rest. Keeping this perspective allows me to step out from underneath the pressure— to look at the depth of my own needs and see how common they are to the needs of others.

It’s not easy to push back the voices that want me to conform to their perception of who I should be. It has required going against my old patterns of performing for others in order to win their approval.

Obtaining true confidence

Understanding who I am from God’s perspective gives me confidence in my identity and capabilities. It enables me to combat the unspoken inner doubts and fears. It enables me to overcome the guilt of not being who I think I am supposed to be. I use the word “enable” to indicate a process rather than a position, because confidence isn’t a point of arrival but a road of continual choices.

Greg Louganis, the Olympic gold medallist diver, when asked what thoughts were going through his mind just before he dove said, “I was thinking how confident I was that whether I make this dive or not, my mother will still love me.”

How reassuring! And it is reassuring to know that I can draw my confidence in performing my daily roles from knowing God loves me and has a purpose for me, no matter what the outcome may be. It motivates me to accept challenges. It prevents fear from paralyzing me when others doubt me, associates discourage me, and friends or family don’t understand me. It comes from a continual choice to believe that when I feel unsure and frightened about who I am and what I can do, God is there.

Staying on the “cutting edge” is the vernacular for being one up on the competition in the business world. Maintaining this position depends on having the right business expertise. But for me, my “completeness edge” is what keeps me one up on the challenges of a chaotic lifestyle. That “completeness edge” comes from knowing God through Jesus Christ. This edge is not the kind that the marketplace values as a catapult to the top of our profession, but it puts us in a very important position: chaos may surround us, but it doesn’t have to reign in us. God’s unconditional love is what gives us leverage in living.

What about you? Do you need a solution to the chaos of life? Are you tired of trying to do it all yourself? Ask God to be the leverage you need in being more confident in who you are, more in tune with those you love, and more effective in your marketplace. Why not pray this simple prayer and by faith invite Him to fill you with His Spirit:

“Dear Father, I need you. I acknowledge that I have sinned against you by directing my own life. I thank you that You have forgiven my sins through Christ’s death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as You commanded me to be filled, and as You promised in Your word that You would do if I asked in faith. I pray this in the name of Jesu. As an expression of my faith, I thank You for directing my life and for filling me with the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

If you prayed this prayer, we would love to hear about it!